The No Contact Rule Will Not Work In These 3 Scenarios

120 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule May Not Work”

Paul Foster

September 11, 2020 at 8:56 am

Can I ask you a question? My situation I believe is unique

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

September 11, 2020 at 7:43 pm

You can post your question here and I can try to help you yes. If you are looking for one to one advice then consider coaching 🙂

Sarah

July 30, 2020 at 12:16 pm

Four days ago I broke up with my LDR bf of 3 yrs because covid was preventing us from seeing each other and I was becoming jealous and not myself. I immediately regretted my decision and reached out to him the next day to apologise and asked if we can be back together.

He said he loves me and wants to be with me more than anything but things can’t just go back to the way they were. He says he couldn’t sleep or eat after the break up and that I really hurt him and that we need time to work on ourselves. He says he will always love me but thinks we should be friends for now, and that it would be really difficult to just not talk to me so if we could please stay friends.

I agreed, and since then we’ve been talking with the same frequency as before, lots of banter and humor, just without the I love yous or other romantic expressions. Even though I’m going along, this is hard and I find myself feeling rejected while still wanting him and that hurts. I’m just holding my emotions in and trying to see him as a friend. But it’s really hard. Should I go no contact in this situation where I messed up? What should I do if I want there to be a chance for us to get back together? He honestly didn’t do anything wrong. I just let covid cabin fever and loneliness get to me and I regret it so much.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

August 2, 2020 at 9:32 am

Hi Sarah, you would need to go into a no contact and start following the program if you wanted this to work for you. Being his friend and talking to him all the time is not going to get him back

David

July 22, 2020 at 5:06 am

So I broke up with my girlfriend early july. I did immediately regret it. I noticedbthat I had become attached and obviously wanted it more than her. We had gotten to the point where she was pulling away from me so much that I didn’t know what to do. So after breaking it off, I sent her a marco polo explaining that I didn’t want this and the stress with covid and not being able to see her took a toll. Keep in mind she is a high risk. She responded saying we can get together and talk about things. I said I had done and said things that were not intended and that I need time to figure things out. That is when I started a no contact period. During this time I’ve worked on self growth and understanding relationships and what women want. I realized I had made a ton of classic mistakes duting our time together. It’s been almost 3 weeks. I feel it has been long enough for us and a good time to reestablish contact. Just wanted your thoughts on this. Thanks.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

July 25, 2020 at 12:26 pm

Hi David, I would suggest that you stick to the plan and reach your 30 day mark before reaching out to her for the first time, and also be sure that you use one of Chris reach out suggestions so that you can get a conversation going about something she is interested in and that will make your first reach out a positive one

Jennifer

July 14, 2020 at 11:43 am

I don’t know if no contact is the right choice for my situation. We were supposed to be a random hook up but really connected well. 3 months later- he has a toothbrush at my house, texting daily etc. Everything from communication to natural chemistry was ON POINT. Then his ex (the one that got away .. ugh) added him on Snap. We both knew he’d want to explore that and I declined to be a back up plan or option. It’s been 6 days since the break up. 4 days since our last communication which was me telling him that unless he knows he made a mistake to leave me alone. I miss him terribly and want him back ‍♀️

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

July 14, 2020 at 4:32 pm

Hi Jennifer, yes No Contact is definitely right for you as he has grass is greener syndrome. You need to follow a 45 day NC and then start the being there method

Sanje

April 28, 2020 at 5:00 pm

We were in a 3.5 months old relationship. Everything was going pretty great. Even the night before breakup he sent me goodnight and kisses and hearts on his own. Literally not a single argument. But because of Covid19 we were not able to meet for a month now. So he wakes up next day and says he wants to end things between us, on text message, which is weird because he hated texting and always told me that Calling is the mode everyone should use to discuss important matters. So I convince him to talk to me and ask him what happened so suddenly and he said it has nothing to do with me. It is just that he wants to be alone. And I have to believe it because there was literally nothing wrong between us two. No clingy behavior, jealousy or misunderstanding. I had learnt enough about break ups to know that the more I push for reason, the more closed he will become mentally. So I agreed for break up and I have been on absolute no contact from then. Today is 8th day of no contact and break up too. So do you think I can expect him to come back? This is not about his ex returning or anything because she is happily married. One night he was sending kisses and hearts. Next morning he wanted to break up. What is wrong with men these days?
N. C

April 17, 2020 at 9:49 am

Hi,

I am not sure if my case is that relevant to this post but i would like to have an opinion on this. I am currently seeing a guy and we started of very well. But since we cannot see each other much during the COVID period, he starts to be a bit distance. I mentioned this to him a couple of times and he said he will work on it. But each time, it just gets more difficult. And end up with me trying to fix it and him saying he will try his best to improve. Until recently, there is an incident that helps me realise that he was on a Tinder and was actually talking to some girls. He admitted using tinder but not recently. He said he used it months ago but I received an anonymous texts that he was talking to someone as recent as a couple of weeks. I know we just started dating and we just agree to be exclusive but what I do not like is that he is lying to me. I seriously am ready to let things go if he would just admit to me that he used Tinder recently and apologize. So i sent him a text saying that all the things he is telling me does not make sense and if he could not tell me the truth then perhaps we should not talk for a while.

Now i have 2 thoughts in my head, am I overeacting since we are not in a relationship or shall i continue with this no contact rule and see if he really cares he will try to contact me back?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 21, 2020 at 9:44 pm

Hey there so as you are not in a relationship you cant really be annoyed you are not in contact, what you can do is take a step back and allow him to show you the amount of effort he is willing to put into talking to you during this time and you do the same. Do not chase him, and the more you gnat him to talk to you more the less he is going to want to talk to you

Jill

March 13, 2020 at 12:45 am

Thanks Shaunna, i am trying to work on myself, im just worried its coming up to the end of the no contact period and im not there yet with myself. Also i know theres gonna be no problem with getting him talking to me, that was never an issue, he wants to be friends, he was never annoyed with me or needed space, he wanted to continue talking to me as if nothing happened, he wants to be friends and chat but i just dont want that, i want more and i dont want him to get comfortable with the idea we can be just friends. I mean i feel like itll just end up with us as friends as soon as no contact finishes and i allow conversation again. do you know what i mean?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 18, 2020 at 3:34 am

Hi Jill I do but you definitely could do with the full NC before attempting to be friends let alone more

Jill

March 11, 2020 at 1:36 pm

Hey, ive written in the comments section in one or two of the other blogs but im just struggling. Ive been avoiding contact with ex who i work closely with, its hard but ive been doing ok with just short yes/no or essential work info, eventhough i feel he probably is more annoyed by it because me closing up and not talking was big reason for his decision to cease things qith me. Anyway, ive been doing no contact at work and outside of work but he keeps trying to be friendly and ask me about stuff we used to talk about like video games and stuff, im giving him short answers but i feel like im breaking no contact. I also dont qant him to think we can just be friends, because he thought we could me and i said no after break up. I dont know what to do, im tired and im trying to work on myself in the meantime but i feel like im just going wrong in every sense 🙁

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 12, 2020 at 2:08 pm

Hey Jill if you are working on yourself then you are not going wrong! When you complete No Contact it takes time to see what works to get your ex talking to you again and how you are going to rebuild your connection. Youre doing great and if you feel you need to take a step back from being tired then you do that. Self love is most important

Kay

December 30, 2019 at 7:15 pm

Hello!
I’ve been on and off with my boyfriend for about 3 months now. We stayed together for a year then he suddenly started being distant, then we would get back together for a week and then he’d start being distant again and call things off again.
Two months after the biggest breakup, out of the blue he came under my house and apologized and wanted to fix things so badly, only to lost interest again a week later. Not only that, while we were still talking, some friends posted a story of him sitting in a comfortable position with another girl he always had a crush on.
I blocked him and we had a fight and he refused to admit himself doing anything wrong because he insisted they were just friends. He did not bother fight for me.
Now, just a week later, I know from a common friend that he doesn’t care to fix things and he has completely moved on.

I know you’re going to tell me he is toxic and to move on as well, but the year we were together was nothing near this behavior he’s been adopting lately and I just don’t understand anymore why he has changed so much and how to bring back the person I fell for in the very beginning.

How do I get him back, for good, to the way the relationship was before all this mess happened.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

January 3, 2020 at 4:53 am

Hi Kay, I would look up a local couples therapist and see if you could go speak with them when you are with him and sort through the issues that cause you to break up all the time. In the mean time I would follow a No Contact and work on yourself for some time, even if its just learning how to communicate in a relationship or how to improve factors in your life that you are not happy with at the moment

D

December 5, 2019 at 10:47 pm

Hello I need some advice please. Here’s the story: it’s been almost nine years since my ex and I started dating back in high school, we had a kind of co-dependant relationship in which I needed him for socialization and emotional support. At first I was rather cold and liked to be pursued by him, which he did passionately. I often ignored him or ridiculed him and started fights. Now I feel awful about that but the truth is I just didn’t love myself. As the years went by, he started to chase me less and less so I had to start to chase him a little instead. We “broke up” multiple times but he always came back to me. I often felt fed up with him and wished to be with other guys. In the last year or so I don’t really know what we were; we never officially broke up. We kept seeing each other but he demonstrated less interest every time. I was kinda ok with it. The other day I found out he’s going out with some girl and I LOST IT. Now I want him back so desperately that I feel my life would be over if I lose him. I texted him and told him that we should not speak for some time because it hurts and he told me to reach out if I needed to. What do I do??? I want him back again

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

December 6, 2019 at 10:31 pm

Hi D, so if you want your ex back then you are going to have to do some work during your no contact and become the best version of yourself and then reach out in a friendly way to get a positive yet short conversation started between you and your ex

Juan

November 30, 2019 at 7:09 pm

Hola Chris,

I met my girlfriend on Tinder, hit it off on first date, fell madly in love over just 5/6 weeks of dating, the feelings appeared mutual. In fact, she was using me as a rebound (very intense intimacy to the point of passing out!) and I ended up love bombing her, because she came out of a long term loveless relationship, I had separated from a long term marriage, working towards a divorce. Add to this, interracial and 20 year age gap, male being older. She introduced me to her work colleagues, even parents. But her bestie was always emotionally blackmailing her out of jealousy… that’s how well we matched in every way… and then one day she broke up, blocked me everywhere. 2 month no contact just completed. Does this stuff work? If she’s an emo-girl-to-empath with daddy issues, and me being an ambitious alpha male? One month relationship, two month no contact. Do you think it’s over for good? Her parting words were, everything was so perfect, but we rushed it… Well, being 20 years older, I certainly didn’t feel like I was rushing it, infact I was confident and she was being poisoned by her selfish bestie… still, what do you think?

Gracias, Juan

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

December 1, 2019 at 1:05 am

Hi Juan, so what you need to take into consideration here is if her “best friend” doesnt like you then she is going to have an effect of how your ex girlfriend views you. Its called Sphere of influence. Now there is not much you can do at the moment as you are blocked everywhere apart from move on without moving on. And if she does unblock you do not reach out straight away so it doesnt look like you are waiting for her to do this. You can even leave it a while to see if she reaches out to you first. And if you do find you are talking again slow things down, there is no need to rush things if she scares are fast you need to respect that to an extent

Charlotte

October 30, 2019 at 5:49 pm

Hey! i have a question about the No Contact Rule
You see my boyfriend broke up with me on friday 25 of October, we have been togheter for almost a year (today would have been a year). And he said he couldn`t deal with the distance, he goes to a school which is 4 hours away from me and we can only see eachother druing one weekend a month plus some breakes he has. I do understand his feelings, but he has only been there for 2 months and he didn`t expresse his feelings about it beeing hard ever, he just showed up at my door and broke up. Now i am heartbroken and confused as to why he did it because he said he loves me, but couldn`t handel seeing me one weekend a month.
We talked the day after and he told me he wants to stay friends, but that he needs time. He also said that we could keep in touch because he still cares for me and how im doing. So now a few days later we have not called eachother, but we send some Snapchats (not as often as before, and i only get dark pics or pics of his feet and i get that)
I want him back, really bad. He is the best person i have ever met and my best friend.

So my question: do i start the No Contact rule and break off our snapchat “contact” or do i keep the “contact” and hope for the best ?And in january i am actually going to his school for a soccer tornament (this was decided before our break up) so what do i do then if i do the NC?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 30, 2019 at 6:28 pm

Hi Charlotte yes you go into No Contact everywhere even Snapchat, it means for 30 days NO CONTACT at all. By the time January comes you’ll be done with NC and hopefully texting as normal again and building rapport etc

Mac

August 20, 2019 at 7:49 am

Hey Chris,

I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years a week ago. I am in love with her and knew that when I broke up. You may wonder why I did that. Well we were in a long distance relationship, but it was only a temporary thing as she was planning to move to the country I am living in for work. The reason I broke it off was because she kept telling me she wasnt in love with me and that she didnt miss me at all, but did not want to leave me, I couldn’t understand this mind set. Not loving me is one thing and I could be ok with that as I understand it sometimes takes longer for a woman to fall in love and I could accept that in time that may change. What I couldn’t accept is that she didnt even miss me, that was the problem for me. I did not want to be in a relationship where my partner didnt even miss me after being apart for 3 weeks, so I left her. I do want her back desperately and I am going through the no contact phase currently from day 1. I did not beg for her back I just hung up the phone and have not spoken to her since. I want her to realise what its like without me. I fear that she didnt miss me during our time apart why would she start missing me now even with the no contact? I fear losing her for good.
Jordan

August 9, 2019 at 4:30 pm

Hey my ex works at a bar and I want her back but going through the no contact steps. It’s been about 2 weeks of no contact and 3 weeks of breaking up. But it’s only bar in town and my buddy wants to grab a drink and go shoot some pool there. Is it ok just to have a drink there and shoot pool and not try to talk to her or could I just say hey you look great and leave it at that
Leigh

June 19, 2019 at 8:23 pm

Hi Chris,
I’ve implemented the no contact rule for the last week but am a bit confused. I initiated the break up but it was because he wanted space and has a lot of personal/family stuff going on right now so his head wasn’t in our relationship. He said he had lost feelings but I truly think it was because of everything else he had going on, and we had gone from seeing each other (in the company of friends mostly) everyday to moving far apart. So, I’m not sure whether I fall into the category of I broke up with him and shouldn’t use the no contact, or really the break up was because of how he felt (he just didn’t tell me until I questioned him) and so I should follow through with the no contact. We were long distance when we broke up.

Chris Seiter

June 19, 2019 at 10:54 pm

I think No Contact would be the right path for you. You should take a look at picking up my comprehensive Program – EBR PRO Bundle as it can help you throughout this post breakup period.

Jacob

May 29, 2019 at 5:48 am

We got pregnant in August, happiest time of my life her life and I was so ready to be a father. As time went on something changed with me. It was all my fault. I lost my job and as a man I’m sure you know that it’s imbedded in our minds that we are supposed to be dominant and be able to provide for our families. I didn’t feel like that. I had to move back with my mom, I was scared of my step dad due to trauma from a younger age. I started missing appointments because I was working for him to have a place to live and was scared to stand up to him and be there for my family. I only saw my gf maybe once a week because I was so tired all the time. I started shutting down there. Then thanksgiving came around and I didn’t even invite her to thanksgiving because I hadn’t told my family that she was pregnant yet because I was scared what they would think because I lived with them and also didn’t have a job. We starting fighting more until one day I snapped broke up with her and completely shut down. I laid in bed for 2 weeks straight and didn’t do anything, until one day I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize who I was. I fell into a pit of depression, I left my gf pregnant and alone. I finally got the courage to get help. I tried to go back to her and she denied she says we can never get back together and she would rather keep going through this alone. She says she’s ready to move on and it’s all my fault. I was crushed by this and broke all the rules. I pushed to hard I tried to hard and it has just pushed her further away. I just want my family back. I thought at the time it was the best thing for both of us because I didn’t want to drag her down with me, I needed help and finally got the courage to help myself and now it sucks because I’m ready for everything, but it’s just reoccurring with her that I left her during pregnancy: alone, scared, and hopeless. It sucks because I have to see couples with kids or dads doing stuff with there newborns that I never get to do. I just don’t what to do anymore I just want my family back.
Kelly

May 28, 2019 at 8:30 pm

My ex and I just broke up on Friday after 9 months of dating-I moved into his apartment. He explained he didn’t feel the love for me as he used to and said he see’s me as more of a friend and maybe things had moved too quickly although he stated I was the best thing that has ever happened to him (BS) and he can’t imagine me not in his life. Long story short the morning after we broke up I flew to my parents to get away. We have been speaking on the phone once a day on friendly terms but I have to go back now and move out of the apartment Wednesday and Thursday this week. I want to implement the NC but I think I need to get through this hard move out portion first. I do have my next plan of where to stay, etc. mapped out. I purchased your plan but feel my next steps may be crucial since I will still have to see him and he may still be questioning himself. I love him with all my heart and feel I may screw it all up if I get too emotional and he runs further..
Essie

May 19, 2019 at 6:31 am

My ex and I broke up, we had an Long distance and everything went well but we started fighting and disagreeing and it’s been 3 months and he wanted to be friends but things went downhill because we both misunderstood – I broke up with him but I realised it was wrong, now he says he’s tired and knowing him the more I leave him be the more he wouldn’t really message. We have been dating for a year, we visited each other too. I messaged him to apologise but he didn’t wanna listen after, I still wanna work things out with him as I love him but he’s told my Friend he’s moved on but not to me.
Soha

May 18, 2019 at 8:38 am

Hey. Me and my ex dated for almost 2 years. I dumped him but it was due to some family pressures. I had no intentions of cheating on him. Though I discussed a guy infront of him saying that he’s my crush but I was doing that to convince myself that I’m over him. It was the time of 3 months before I came back to him. But I explained him everything that whatever I did was never my intention. It was just the trauma that was making me do all that stupid things. He said that give me 3 months ( the equal time you were ot there) and I’ll commit to you. In those 3 months he was sending me mix signals. One day that we’ll end up together and one day that there’s no chance. We’ve kissed multiple times during this no contact. But when the time of 3 months was over he said that I fon’t want to commit. I am focused on my career and no hindrance is accepted. He understands that whatever I did was due to family trauma but he’s not ready to give our relationship another chance. I begged in front of him for almost 3 months and he says that this relationship thing and my drama is hurting him mentally so the last message that I sent him was ” I’ll never talk to you about relationship again because you don’t like it and whatever makes you happy, makes me happy and I respect your decision” since then we’re talking casually on a daily basis. He is absolutely focused on his career and don’t want to get into a relationship but he wants to be friends with me. And he text me on a regular basis asking me “hey whats up?” should I apply the no contact rule on my situation? Should I reply to his texts in no contact period? Also, what if he stops texting me back? Are there any signs of me getting him back?
Soha

May 18, 2019 at 8:30 am

I dumped him but it was due to some family pressures. I had no intentions of cheating on him. Though I discussed a guy infront of him saying that he’s my crush but I was doing that to convince myself that I’m over him. But I explained him everything that whatever I did was never my intention. It was just the trauma that was making me do all that stupid things. He said that give me 3 months and I’ll commit to you. In those 3 months he was sending me mix signals. One day that we’ll end up together and one day that there’s no chance. We’ve kissed multiple times during this no contact. But when the time of 3 months was over he said that I fon’t want to commit. I am focused on my career and no hindrance is accepted. He understands that whatever I did was due to family trauma but he’s not ready to give our relationship another chance. I begged in front of him for almost 3 months and he says that this relationship thing and my drama is hurting him mentally so the last message that I sent him was ” I’ll never talk to you about relationship again because you don’t like it and whatever makes you happy, makes me happy and I respect your decision” since then we’re talking casually on a daily basis. He is absolutely focused on his career and don’t want to get into a relationship but he wants to be friends with me. And he text me on a regular basis asking me “hey whats up?” should I apply the no contact rule on my situation? Should I reply to his texts in no contact period? Also, what if he stops texting me back? Are there any signs of me getting him back?

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120 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule May Not Work”