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Post categories
A
February 8, 2017 at 1:56 pm
Me and my ex broke up two weeks ago. He has gotten in some trouble and is facing time in jail (dui charges). He is beating himself up, rightfully so, however he has now pushed everyone away. On top of this episode in his life he is commitment phobic. I already read that article. I made the mistake of trying to get him back the first week we broke up but I’ve now started the no contact rule. My question is with him being in the certain situation that he is in should I just do the 30 days or longer? Or should I respond if he does text me just because of the low place he is in. Idk just want some advice.
Thanks!
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 8, 2017 at 5:30 pm
Hi A,
I’m sorry, I’m not sure I understood your situation.. He can text in jail? If he can, how often does he text you? Do you visit him in person? How long is his time there?
Bardcore
February 7, 2017 at 1:21 pm
Oh man, so I posted a similar thing on the “if your ex wants to remain friends” page but it makes way more sense here.
What if, during no contact, he wants to meet up to talk (in all likelihood about the relationship), whether it be talking about our former relationship, our current friend status, or the possibility of getting back together. How would I go about navigating those situations?
It’s worth noting that not even two days after the break-up, we were hanging out getting things ready for a game night with a bunch of mutual friends, before I left, he asked if I’d be ok with sex with him (which I politely refused because duh). I’m a little unsure how to proceed. What can I do now to give myself the best possible chance of succeeding in re-kindling a relationship with this guy?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 7, 2017 at 10:28 pm
Hi Bardcore,
talking about the relationship or being friends will more likely him asking to friendzoned you..and from what you said, it looks like he wants to be friends with benefits with you..which all the more reason that you shouldn’t reply..unless he says he wants to get back together
H
February 3, 2017 at 7:12 pm
Hi,
So great that this website exists at a time like this and that you can post a comment and get some sort of advice, so thank you for that.
I dated this guy for 3,5 years and we lived together for 2,5 of those years. We got engaged in August. On new years he said he has doubts about commitment like marriage and children (first time mentioning it) and the next day took it back, then raised the same issues and then again took at back. I then said you need to leave and some days later asked for a trial break up (because I also wanted to figure out who I am and what I wanted). He, after some days, wanted to come over saying I miss you and want to see you, and he came and just broke up with me. After that I did no contact for some days but stupidly ended up responding and then came across this site and I have now not talked to him for about a week (except for yesterday when he came by to get things which I left outside the door, but either way we had to coordinate by text). I said I need space and to him to not contact me. Have I messed everything up? And does it anyways sound like I have no chance? How many days do you recomment? Thanks.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 3, 2017 at 9:13 pm
Hi H,
at least 30 days.. I think there’s still a chance..check this one:
How Do I Get My Commitment Phobic Ex Boyfriend Back?
Gabbie
February 2, 2017 at 12:05 pm
My ex contacted me today because he said something about our credit card. But i overreacted and i asked him why did he had to contact me and he should’ve said it to my friend to tell me. He didn’t reply. Did i just lose my chance of winning him back????
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 2, 2017 at 8:32 pm
Hi Gabbie,
maybe not totally lose but it is lessened.. if you’re in nc, you have to restart the count, not because he contacted you but because of how you reacted to him..
Anny
January 24, 2017 at 6:27 pm
Hello,
Well long story short I broke up with him one week ago after 6 months together. He started to be distant and when I talked to him he said he cant give 100 in a relationship. Without drama I told him I couldnt stand that indecision anymore and that it is better if we both take time to think what we want. He wrote the first days saying he doesnt want to lose me but still not making any effort to get me back, I insisted him he should be alone for now and think what does he truly want and this time I said I had to do thw same because I am not sure anymore ( I am sure, I love him but I need him to decide something) so… Is the no contact a good idea to make him realize what does he feel and if yes, for how many days ??
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 25, 2017 at 1:22 pm
Hi Anny
there’s no guarantee that the no contact rule will work but I think its the only option you haven’t tried. Try just 21 days
Maggie
January 20, 2017 at 10:31 pm
Hey there! Yesterday, my boyfriend and I agreed to break up for the time being. Thing is, I was feeling a bit suffocated. He is working only part time (and since he manages his own business, he can talk to me while working), I’m a grad student and am currently working on my PhD dissertation, and he used to text me all the time =@ When I pointed this out and asked for some space, he said he would miss me, and I didn’t know what to do, so I put up with his behavior for a while, but then started to feel resentful and insecure about him, and we always ended up talking about the relationship instead of having it. Finally, when I tried to claim some space for myself, he just told me that he felt he could not give me what I needed, and that he’d rather break up. I concurred, and so we split up, but the door was left open to try again once I was back on track with my dissertation after summer break. Should I try the 21 day rule or should I go for the 30 day rule? Given the way that things ended, I feel confident about my chances, so I would attempt a 21 day rule, but a hypothetical 30 day rule would end the day after I sit for a very important exam. So, summing up: I would do a 30 day rule in order to fully accomplish my personal goals during NC, but since the break-up was so good and we kinda talked about starting over (he said it would be great), I am afraid it will be a long time to be apart, and then I’d rather do the 21 day rule. What do you think?? =/
Maggie
January 24, 2017 at 3:00 pm
Oh, thank you so much!! I’m just finishing my first week of NC and fears start to pop up just like that =/ But it’s great to have someone positive to turn to =D
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 25, 2017 at 11:52 am
that’s normal! You’re welcome!
Maggie
January 23, 2017 at 3:35 pm
Thanks Amor!! Yeah, I guess that comes first =) One last question… Do you think my chances are high? I bet you read this a lot, but I’m terrified he’ll hook up with another woman ='(
I’ve asked some of my male friends, and they say it’s quite probable that he does, but Chris always says we should listen to specialists, so maybe you -one of the best- have a better insight on this. So: are my chances looking good? Is is probable (not just possible) that he hooks up with another girl? Thanks a lot in advance, you’re the sweetest! <3
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 24, 2017 at 12:12 pm
If he hooks up with another woman, she’s more likely a rebound. And yes, I do think you have a chance. I just don’t want to seem confusing to him that you started talking and then you didn’t suddenly because of your exams. And as long as you know that you’re continually improving yourself, don’t worry too much. What’s more important is that he will be attracted to you again. Even if a new girl comes along, you had a connection, and if he sees your far different and better than the girl he knew, then he would be curious. Thank you too! 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 22, 2017 at 9:37 am
Hi Maggie,
if you need to focus with your exams, do that first..
Anonymous
January 18, 2017 at 10:29 pm
Hi there,
What happens if you and your ex both decide to do the no contact rule mutually. He said that he will try to get and touch within a month but no promises and I should do the same. That if I should meet someone else who i feel is better than him and i feel like he is treating me well, then i should go for it and he will not hold it against me. That I should be happy.
We broke up because of things i had done and he had done which caused him to feel incredibly insecure. He also said that we can never go back to what we were, it’ll be very hard and that i will never be able to make him feel secure again which is why there will be no reason to get back together. That if we can get over our need and attachment for each other within the month, there will be no other reason to come back to one another – because love is not enough.
In the end he said that lets just take the break we need and we will see it from there, and i fully agreed. I think it’ll be a good chance for us both to reflect and detach and I guess find our way back to each other. So my question is what if we both mutually decided on the no contact rule, does this mean i have hope in getting him back? Is there a chance he may be able to feel secure again? Do you think he will miss me and find that one reason he seems to have lost, in order to come back? Does the no contact really help a time when one feels insecure?
Thank you
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 19, 2017 at 6:54 pm
Hi Anonymous,
when you do the no contact rule, that means you intentionally have the goal of rebuilding rapprt and attraction after a period of silence..but with your ex, it’s not like that.. He wants a break to see of things will either be better or worse.. so, leverage this time by sticking to no contact..because more likely, he will wonder how you are.. use this to improve yourself..
Jane
January 17, 2017 at 10:41 pm
My boyfriend broke up with me 9th December. He said we were fighting a lot and that he was not the same anymore. Prior to that (in October) he once told me he sometimes would think if he had entered too young in a very serious relationship (we’re both 24 and I’m his first serious relationship). We dated for 1 year and 2 months and I moved to his town to start a new life and also to be with him. I thought things wouldn’t be as hard and it was very rough year for me and I know I ended up becoming a little needy and when he wouldn’t live up to my expectations, I would get angry and fight with him. I had minor depression during that time and part of it was because of a medication that I was using that I quit once and for all. When he broke up with me I apologized for everything that I had done wrong to him and he said that he didn’t hold any grudges, but the way I treated him had also contributed to his decision. I cried a lot and he too. Before breaking up he had asked me for a week to think a little bit through and on that occasion he cried A LOT and asked what was wrong with himself, and that I was the best person he had ever met and that he didn’t want to lose me. He also told me he loved me and tried to kiss me, but I turned the cheek to him and didn’t answer him, because I was very sad and disappointed.
Anyway, so one week after we broke up he seemed very confused, called me to talk about his week, sent me videos of a party that he went to and told me he missed me. I replied not very happy but not uninterested as well. I told him I missed him to and on that day he said that he was rethinking our relationship. After that I tried talking a little with him and he just didn’t seem as much into it, so I went into NO CONTACT for 21 days (26 december until yesterday) because during NO CONTACT he was clearly trying to get my attention for the things he was posting on Instagram. So yesterday I broke no contact by telling him that I was at a party that weekend and had remembered about a concert that we went together, which I know was one of the best experiences he ever had. He told me “that was the best show wasn’t it” and told me he also went to a party that weekend. We talked a little bit about the party and I noticed he was taking more and more time to reply (he seemed to be “happy but cautious”). So I told him I wanted to give myself the freedom to say that I missed him, that people would say that it is humiliating but I thought that was a very shallow thing to say and that I wanted to tell him what I felt was right. He told me that I had that freedom to what regarded him. I also reminded him of two other times where we had just connected in a very romantic way (he is very romantic and sensitive and I’m pretty sure he broke up with me because I was hard to please and he started to think that he wasn’t enough for me, and that was making him suffer). He told me that he was so proud and had a lot of affection for all those memories and that he didn’t think that the break up invalidated them. Afterwards I told him that I had written a letter a few days ago and asked him if he wanted to read it. He said “yes, I would really love to”. In that text I told him how much I regretted the bad things that had happened and I told him that I knew I couldn’t change the past, so I wanted to be better once and for all. I told him how I was developing my relationship with my family, how I started to go to a psychologist and how the medication that I was taking made me more agressive and depressed, which was now getting better. He told me that he didn’t have bad feelings about our relationship and that he still thought I was this wonderful person with this beautiful smile and that nothing or anything should take it away from me. He told me he would always love me as a person and as a friend, that I could count on him if I ever needed anything and that he would always have a friend in him, he also sent me a video of the movie “Her”. I took two hours to reply to that and told him that I took a walk a little in the city to get my mind and my feelings rights. I told him he knew he could always count on me as a friend too and that I would always be his friend too. I told him he had this beautiful soul and that he should be happy, ’cause he deserved it.
My question is: have I broken NO CONTACT too soon? I don’t feel the same urge that I had to talk to him as before and I’m on that state of mind that if I don’t get him back, I know I will manage to live my life to the fullest until someone else that is special appears. I felt REALLY better after sending him the text, it was like getting closure. I don’t plan on starting a conversation with him ever again, not because I’m angry or anything, but because I don’t want to appear to be needy and I don’t only want his friendship. He seems to be going out with one of his ex’s and he totally doesn’t look happy in the pictures and I know I’m more intelligent, sexy, attractive and a better match than this other person. He even told me that a few times.
Is it still possible to get him back? Or should I move on? I’m a very rational person and I can see things clearly. To me it seems like he didn’t want to commit so early in his life and that he is having a lot of trouble to get over me, but he insists in doing so. We had this amazing connection and for more than one year we talked from “good morning” to “good night” and we had very happy moments together even though we started fighting maybe twice a month from september on.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 18, 2017 at 4:45 pm
Hi Jane,
I think you can try just not this soon because you’re right, you’ll probably appear as a chaser after that, so treat it as closure..rest for a week or two and then start rebuilding rapport
jblossom
January 9, 2017 at 3:33 pm
Hi amor
I would like some advice
My ex boyfriend broke up with me 6 months ago, the reason behind it was because he felt like i relied on him too much, that he needed space and their were times i would give up easily . We both were going through stress…and it endded.
I did everything you could think of
Begging, fighting, Guilt Tripping, saying i love you and we even endded up sleeping together a couple of times.
At this moment his trying his best to use a other girl to get over me like doing everything in his power to hang out with her and be with her. Ontop of that this is a girl hr knows very well i don’t get along with this girl so i feel like his doing this to just upset me .
Anyway on dec 27 is when i cut off all contact from talking to him seeing he had told me ” his living his life and hanging out with people and feels like he doesn’t need to see me now seeing its too soon”
So i have not contacted him or planning on too.
When no contact is over i do want to contact him seeing that in feb we might be running into each other at a event.
Im just worried that his going to keep actting like ” i can care less ‘ if i contact him or not .
Any tips or advice
jblossom
January 9, 2017 at 9:24 pm
He never did seeing he started to talk to her now. His friend use to date her and my ex and her never talked to one a other, hell he never liked her .
His friend ask my ex to go on a date with her to use her to push me away seeing at that time i was trying to get him back so much…that i wasn’t giving space .
But i know he never liked her
I know he kinda does now but only because he knows it bothers me. His even told me ‘ i find it funny that your jealous of her
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 10, 2017 at 3:43 pm
ah.. but if he used her to push you away, then staying with her means he still thinks you’re not going away. Or if he says he finds it funny that you’re jealous, then than can mean he enjoys the attention he gets from you or in other words the chase. If he acts like he doesn’t care after a number of attempts then you have to move on.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 9, 2017 at 7:06 pm
Hi Jblossom,
what did he do that made you feel he’s just doing that to make you jealous and that he’s not serious with the other girl? because if you hated the other girl before because they were close then that means he has long fancied her
Kay
January 6, 2017 at 1:20 pm
My ex keeps sending me snapchats. Am I breaking no contact if I open them? I’m not sending anything back to him.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 6, 2017 at 7:16 pm
Hi Kay
not really but it would be better if you dont open them
Tina
January 5, 2017 at 6:33 pm
Hi,
Im currently on the day 28 of NC..My intention was to do regular 30 days, but right now I don’t feel ready to reach out, at all! Is it ok to extend to 45 days in this case? The thing is that I wanted to get back with him but I’m not sure if I still want it … I went through a lot, and I’m simply considering if makes sense to allow that person back in my life. The reason for our break up was that he wouldn’t commit because he wasn’t sure. He’s been contacting me every single day since my NC started.
Thanks a lot!
Tina
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 7, 2017 at 5:18 am
Hi Tina,
Yeah, it’s ok.
Trinity
December 29, 2016 at 11:47 pm
so would this nc rule still work when my ex and me are both in the same classes? i dont talk or doing any other communications but we still face each others sometimes.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 30, 2016 at 2:41 pm
Hi Trinity,
there’s no guarantee that it will no matter what situation you are in..
Crystal
December 27, 2016 at 5:13 pm
My ex and I broke up about a month ago. It was a year and a half, long distance. He said it was the timing. I have contacted him three times since we last saw each other. The last conversation I had yesterday with him was that he was just tired of everything and that I was pushing him away because I keep trying to analyze the breakup. Will the NC rule be effective anymore ? If so, 30 or 45 days?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 29, 2016 at 1:56 pm
Hi Crystal,
there’s no guarantee that it will work, no matter what the situation is.. but it’s still better choice instead of chasing..
Crystal
December 27, 2016 at 5:12 pm
My ex and I broke up about a month ago. It was a year and a half, long distance. He said it was the timing. I have contacted him three times since we last saw each other. The last conversation I had yesterday with him was that he was just tired of everything and that I was pushing him away because I keep trying to analyze the breakup. Will the NC rule be effective anymore ? If so, 30 or 45 days ?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 28, 2016 at 3:32 am
Hi Crystal,
there’s no guarantee that the nc rule will work, but the more you restart it, the less it can help you.. it’s good that he’s still viewing your stories.. use it as an indirect way of showing your improvements and you’ve accepted the situation..and I think you should do 45 days..
crystal
December 23, 2016 at 9:41 pm
So it’s been about 3 weeks since the initial break up, 1 week since we talked in person for the closure (we are long distance). I called him three days after our meeting for further clarification, and he stated he was more upset and that I was “pushing him away”. I have then signed up for therapy to help me through this process, and the therapist stated that he thinks that there is someone else in the picture and that I should call for complete closure. I called asking, and he immediately stated “no, there was no one”. I attempted to start NC today but failed because I had a happy memory and I ended up texting him. Will NC rule be effective now? Should I do 45 days? Backstory is that we were dating 1.5 years long distance, and he stated the breakup was due to timing, and that we are different and were never on the same page. He has consistently checked my snapchat stories. A part of me feels that he is completely over it because I have always been the one contacting and he is viewing my snapchat to show that he is really over it and that it is OK to do so (that’s just what I think). What are your thoughts?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 28, 2016 at 3:32 am
Hi Crystal,
there’s no guarantee that the nc rule will work, but the more you restart it, the less it can help you.. it’s good that he’s still viewing your stories.. use it as an indirect way of showing your improvements and you’ve accepted the situation..and I think you should do 45 days..
Jamie
December 22, 2016 at 2:30 pm
My ex boyfriend moved out. I did everything wrong that you could have possibly done after a breakup- I called and begged, I called him 24 times in one night, I lied to try to see him and I embarrassed him in public. He blocked me from everything including social media and his phone. We still go to the same crossfit gym and he told me not to come back to the gym. He told me he hates me and he will treat me like he hates me. Can I use the no contact rule in this situation or should I just give up now?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 27, 2016 at 11:47 am
Hi Jamie,
there’s no guarantee that the no contact rule will work but if I say you should give up, you won’t right? so, instead of chasing him, its better to do no contact before fully giving up
subha
December 21, 2016 at 4:36 am
Dear Chris
I was friends with this guy for 5 years. Last year we started dating. When he told me that he liked me I thought he was talking about another girl. So I told him that even though I liked him that we could still be friends. He ran out crying.
We bumped into each other in September this year and asked me if I was seeing anyone. But didnt follow it up. A couple of days ago he blocked me on Facebook. I can still contact him via whatsapp and phone. Should I do a further no contact? If so how long should it be?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 24, 2016 at 7:19 am
how old are you both? and was that conversation just between the two of you?
Eva
December 15, 2016 at 7:32 pm
Hi,
if we dated 2months short distance, 2months long distance which is better 21 or 30 days?
I left him because his ex resurfaced, he said that he doesn’t see future with her but I thought it’s better to take me out of equation. We were getting along great and break up was quite civil.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 16, 2016 at 8:04 pm
Hi Eva,
given that it’s quite a better break up than others, and you didn’t chase..it think you should just do 21 days
Anonymous
December 10, 2016 at 4:17 am
My fiancé broke off our engagement because … maybe wedding jitters? Do you recommend 30 days NC?
Anonymous
December 28, 2016 at 5:17 am
Well! Tomorrow marks 30 days of NC!
However, his next door neighbor asked to hang out yesterday and I thought he was away for Christmas so I agreed. (We used to live together so I am friends with her) Turns out he wasn’t! I guess she mentioned it to him and he said it was better that we don’t see each other.
Why is he avoiding me? He is the one who broke up w/ me and I left him alone.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 30, 2016 at 3:53 am
I think for him it’s too soon to meet in person.. but that doesn’t mean he’s not open to texting
Anonymous
December 15, 2016 at 8:00 am
We have officially broken up twice before, for the same reason.
The first time was 5 months in and we were apart for 2 weeks. We had contact each week — it was very hard on both of us.
This time, we were a little over a year in and it’s been 3 weeks. On day 15 of NC now.
Mini breaks in between of 6-12 hours here and there. Clearly there’s a cycle here I need to break.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 15, 2016 at 12:15 pm
He has to think you’re really done and not waiting anymore
Anonymous
December 14, 2016 at 5:54 am
Hi, Amor! We were together for a little over a year and he broke up with me about three weeks ago. It was a really good relationship and we set the bar very high for each other. He broke up saying that it didn’t feel 100% right, all the time and that he needs to see if there’s a relationship out there where his heart says YES, all the time. Sounds like GIGS or some unresolved fear-based attachment style.
We haven’t talked in two weeks
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 15, 2016 at 2:07 am
If this is the first time he did it, yes 30 days of nc. If not, how many times have you broken up?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 12, 2016 at 11:32 pm
Hi Anonymous,
when did he break it? How long was the relationship? Other than there were no other problems?
S.
December 6, 2016 at 3:20 pm
Hi!
I’ve been on the NC for 22 days now. A couple of weeks ago my ex texted me (we had a pregnancy scare and he wanted to know the results of my medical examinations). It wasn’t a dramatic breakup. I am thinking of slowly beginning to text him again. Would that be a good idea?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 10, 2016 at 11:48 am
Hi S,
it’s ok to initiate, what’s more important is that you’re the one to end the conversation at high point. Try to end in cliffhanger, for a higher chance of him initiating..