The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0) - Ex Boyfriend Recovery

1,165 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0)”

Lauren

February 21, 2016 at 6:22 pm

I’ve read them but I’m still not exactly sure on what to say. Why we broke up is basically over social media and him lying and doing things behind my back. Also do you think his new relationship is a rebound?

Lauren

February 23, 2016 at 8:20 pm

Well it’s been two days and nothing. I feel like there’s nothing left for me to do
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 24, 2016 at 10:40 am

if doesn’t reply this week.. send another last try next week.. of he doesn’t reply by that time..it means he’s not ready to talk yet
Lauren

February 22, 2016 at 3:20 pm

I sent him “I just got done watching the new fast and furious again (we saw it in theaters together) and it made me think of the time you took me out in the your car in did doughnuts in the field” and I got no response. I don’t want to text him again and seem like I’m one of his crazy exs.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 23, 2016 at 1:14 pm

ok don’t send a memory text next time… let’s see first of he will respond this coming days
Lauren

February 22, 2016 at 2:09 am

Well I followed the texting advice. I said “I just finished watching the new fast and furious again and it made me think about the time you took me out in your car and did doughnuts in the field”

He hasn’t responded. Was it too much? Not enough?
Lauren

February 21, 2016 at 9:33 pm

I’ve been thinking about the text to send and I thought something along the lines of “I just realized today is your birthday and I wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I hope all is well with you, the family and Molly. (That’s his dog) life’s been pretty busy but it’s been pretty good.” Is that too much or not enough? I really don’t want to mess it up. This is like a last ditch effort.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 22, 2016 at 11:44 am

There’s a chance the girl is rebound but focus on you.. The text is good but, add in another topic that is not answerable by yes, no, thank you nor fine… the kind that will engage into convo.. if he loves talking about his dog, then think of something about the dog

Lauren

February 21, 2016 at 7:43 am

His birthday is coming up and I was thinking about using that as a way to initiate the first text. But I don’t know what all to say. I don’t want to just say “happy birthday” I want it to have more to it but I don’t exactly know what I would add…. Sorry for all the posts I’m just at that point where I’m so confused.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 21, 2016 at 2:46 pm

hmmm have you chosen in one of Chris’ texting style suggestions And then mix that with the happy birthday text?

Thunder

February 21, 2016 at 3:33 am

So, I have a 4.5 month old baby with my ex.
Now, I just broke up with him not long ago. I broke up with him because honestly, he is not treating me well. His priorities are crap and he is used to me running back to him all the time and letting him get away with everything.
He says he is not in love with me but has love for me… whatever that means.
I am head over heels in love with him, BUT… I am fed up with how he treats me. I am an option, not a priority. He checks out other girls more than he checks out me. I have caught him flirting with his ex and other girls as well. But he always just comes up with a lame excuse and then waits for me to come running back. I always do.
But this time, I am not. This is not just someone saying they won’t and then a week later, they’ll go running back. This is someone who is completely fed up.
At this point, I am so fed up, that yes I am doing the 30-day no contact rule; but honestly… I don’t really care if we end up getting back together by the end of it. I mean, obviously I’d like to or I wouldn’t be here, but if he doesn’t start making an effort then I don’t NEED to be in a relationship with him.
This is my question though…
I NEED my daughter to be in a relationship with him…
I know you said the only excuse for breaking the no contact rule is if we need to talk about the baby. But he also needs to visit with her as well, I am a breastfeeding mom and it can be difficult for me to pump milk. Plus, our living situations are a bit murky.
How do I go about facilitating visits between them without breaking any NC rules?
Obviously, there will be times when I can drop her off with pumped milk and he can watch her for a few hours.
But what if I don’t have any pumped milk and I need to be around her to feed her? She can go an hour or two between feedings. I’m just not even sure how to word this question because there are some intimate details that I need to leave out for the sake of privacy in such a public forum.
But overall, how can I make this work?

Thunder

February 21, 2016 at 10:05 pm

Yes, one of us would need to go to the other’s house.
I’ve decided for now that he has to take the initiative to come to my house, or we can both be at a mutual friend’s house.
I’m just confused about what to do when he is here.
He texted me saying he will try to come see our daughter tomorrow, but what exactly do I do when he is here? I obviously can’t ignore him.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 22, 2016 at 1:39 pm

Well, you have to.. Be busy with something so, that it doesn’t seem too awkward.. If he sees you’re doing something and you can’t be interrupted, he’ll notice that and give you space..maybe talk to a friend, go to the neighbors, or run an errand in just enough time for you to comeback for baby’s milk
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 21, 2016 at 2:38 pm

Hi Thunder, it’s ok if you need to be there withe her.. I know it’s hard not to talk but I just want to ask, do you mean him coming to your house or you staying at his place?

Lauren

February 20, 2016 at 6:45 am

My would always tell me how he wished he met me 5 years from now so we could get married. Gave me a ring at one point too. And claimed I was the girl he was going to eventually marry. We were also childhood friends and grew up two houses apart. My ex and I haven’t spoken since the Monday before Christmas last year. He reached out to me saying merry Christmas and that he was thinking back to our time together when he went Christmas shopping at the mall we always took my daughter too. I asked if he kept randomly texting me was because he missed me. He said no then said well yeah I miss you. I’ll always miss you. I knew once we broke up there would be no missing each other. He destroyed my heart when we split. He got in some trouble and I bent over backwards to support him and help him every way I could while raising my daughter as a single mother (ex isn’t her father). The last thing I told him was “I’m going to forgive you and forget you. Even though you never once apologized or asked for forgiveness. Goodbye” he responded by saying “okay. Take care.” We haven’t spoken since then. About a little less than a month ago I got on Facebook and saw he liked a picture I posted the beginning of last year (we aren’t friends and he had to scroll a long way to like the picture) my question is what do I do to get him back/want me back. I feel like my response blew every chance out of the water. Every time we wouldn’t communicate it was him reaching out to me. In the past he would blow my phone up when he wouldn’t hear from me. Do you think he’ll contact me again?

Lauren

February 21, 2016 at 6:29 am

Well my mom just broke the news to me that he already has a new girlfriend. And it feels like my heart just broke all over again. I truly am at a loss. Please help
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 21, 2016 at 2:27 pm

It’s still ok to initiate contact but now you to be careful not to come across as being pushy.. So, you won’t appear like a threat to them and he won’t avoid you
Lauren

February 20, 2016 at 11:19 pm

I have really bad anxiety over the thought of contacting him because I have no clue on what to say or how he will react. I’ve taken the time to better myself but no matter what I do it constantly feels like something is missing. I’m at a real loss on what to do but I know what I want. I just don’t know what to do.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 21, 2016 at 11:58 am

Base on your previous comment, I think he’ll reply.. And yoh can use Chros’ tips on texting style..just think of an interesting topic for him and then use that for that style but you didn’t mention why broke up, may I know why? But if not it’s ok.. no worries! hehe..
Here’s the link to the texting rules
Texting An Ex Boyfriend (The New Rules)
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 20, 2016 at 10:55 am

Hi Lauren,

Honestly, I don’ know.. But you can initiate.. and see how he reacts.. but the thing is, even though you didn’t talk to each other.. have you used that time to heal? Can you handle talking to him?

connie

February 18, 2016 at 4:20 am

Hi Chris, i have been relationship with my ex for 3 years and i found he is cheating, flirting girls and dating girls behind me. We broke up for 2 and a half month till now. After 1 week of break up and he beg me for going back to him and i didnt reply and it last for 1 week. and then i started to talk to him emotionally and want him back …but pushed him away and he dont want to get back to me now and i asked him …he told me he has new target and possible will in relationship soon. After a deep thought and i really want him back. So i stop contact him even he talk to me somethings about my medical insurance….. i would like to ask ..some school of throught saying that its okay to send a “goodbye” msg after few days after breakup to let him know we are moving on (but indeed we didnt and still want him back) … so it is really okay to do that during the no contact period?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 18, 2016 at 2:54 pm

Hi Connie,

If it’s before nc it’s okay, because if you do it during nc, it might spark a conversation

Rue

February 16, 2016 at 3:28 pm

So I’m on day 14 of no contact. He’s snapchatted me a few times. I’ve not replied. I work at a store where he has came in once since I started. I was friendly. Smiley. He could barely look me in the eye. (We’ve always had great eye contact and I always had to look away first – but not this time, he did). If I see him and he asks why I’m not replying what do I say? Clearly I can’t point him to your website! LOL! I also don’t like lying so I’d like a solid answer. I’m glad I’ve done this so far, because if nothing else I’m learning to be more dependent on me. And weeping myself away from him which is good because I never could resist him right from the start. But boy! Is this hard! 16 days to go….

Rue

February 17, 2016 at 2:42 pm

BC? I’m assuming you don’t mean booty call! LOL!
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 17, 2016 at 3:09 pm

No, I mean busy! hahahaha! Sorry!
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 17, 2016 at 8:46 am

Congrats Rue! Just tell him you took time off for yourself and you had been bc
Rue

February 16, 2016 at 3:29 pm

Weaning, not weeping.

Miri

February 4, 2016 at 5:04 am

Hey Chris. I had been in NC with my ex for 15 days (since I broke up with him). Its my birthday today and he contacted me for the first time since the NC period began. He texted me “Happy Birthday. Have a great time. I’m sorry for not taking the iniciative in talking to you these days, but I figured it’s best if we mourn separately. I love you a lot.” and then another one saying “and that’s it. Sorry for swallowing it up and not asking you how you were”. I gave after a few hours and replied “thanks! and you dont need to apologize, it’s only logical”.
Anyways do you think it was really bad what I did? Does this count as breaking the NC? I figured that if I waited to finish the NC (two weeks) to reply, then that would be kind of weirder.
Is it a good sign that he reached out and talked to me? I feel like it sucks what he said about mourning. Should I expect the worse?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 5, 2016 at 4:52 am

Hi Miri,

Don’t be so down. It’s food that he contacted you. It’s not bad that you replied as long as you didn’t have a chat

KF

January 30, 2016 at 4:07 am

Okay so today marked the end of the no contact rule for me and it just so happened to be my ex boyfriend’s birthday. I was really apprehensive about reaching out to him because I was scared of what his reaction would be but I followed your instructions and I sent a simple happy birthday text. As much as I reread this article and every other article on your site regarding getting my ex back I honestly had doubts it would work but it REALLY worked! The no contact rule is perfect (if you can last) and it gave me time to work on myself and think about everything that went wrong in our relationship. He kept the conversation up and he showed his interest in me. It was like how he was when first trying to impress me. We had a great conversation and no we’re planning on spending Valentine’s Day together. I’m in shock but so happy because I’ve cried so much wanting just to talk to him now I feel like we have a fresh start. Thank you so much for your insight!! Please don’t doubt this yall it really does work!

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 30, 2016 at 3:27 pm

Hi KF,

That’s great!! Thank you for sharing that it worked for you 🙂 More love and happiness to you!

Catherine

January 30, 2016 at 2:48 am

Hi Chris, firstly thanks a million for the site, for your hard work and the advice. I’ll try and keep this short. Together 5 years, a small bit of on/off stuff. But haven’t been apart for longer that 2 weeks. He is a complete workaholic. Probably works 15 hours shifts most days. Its his own business so quite stressed. A good few months ago he start to have small freak outs about being in a relationship, that he wasn’t sure he could be in one. That he “doesn’t understand love”. That he doesn’t understand himself and how we aren’t compatible. I would talk to him about it calmy with no neediness and give him space. Twice he came back. (Not that we broke up, but he would choose not to leave) I would try to implement a plan to get him back in love with me again but when someone has very little time and is addictive to work it became very hard. Though saying that we were a lot better recently than we had been in months. But the we both ended up have a hugely stressful start to the year. Where I think it got to much for us and he broke up with me. His break up conversation was very short and didn’t make much sense at the time (10 days ago), but I didn’t get needy I just moved out straight away. I moved my stuff a few days later. We had very little contact, it was only ever about me moving my stuff. Then I asked to meet him today, not on the bases of getting him back but to full understand why he broke up with me. I felt that I deserved a proper explanation so I can understand myself. His reasons – we didn’t work well together under pressure, He doesn’t think he knows himself well enough to be a relationship or is capable to have a relationship, he doesn’t understand love and has fallen out of love for me, he thinks we are not compatible. Saying all that he has been or trying to be as helpful as possible, trying to keep providing for me. He also got a lot more upset than me while talking today. I feel like that work has gotten to much for him and can’t see the wood through the trees. I don’t believe that he needs a proper and real wake up call to possibly shake himself out of this.

I have started the no contact rule from today, but I’m wondering how long should I do it for? As he is completely stubborn and also because he seems to be in a right emotional or non emotional mess. I’m thinking more along the lines of 45 but I just don’t know. Hope you can help!

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 30, 2016 at 3:12 pm

HI Catherine,

Wow! 15 hours a day? I would freak out about everything if I’m him. Yeah, if he’s a workaholic he probably won’t notice 21 days has gone by. For me yeah go with 45

Lauren

January 30, 2016 at 2:15 am

Hello!
So my ex boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago completely out of the blue. Like NO signs whatsoever. He was talking about marriage the night before. He said we will never get back together and that we just aren’t the right people for eachother. We’ve talked on the phone every few days and sometimes it’s really nice like normal times (but he keeps reminding me we won’t get back together) but the next day he’ll be super rude. He talks about being really good friends and hanging out when he gets home (long distance college). But he said he’s still in love with me so he can’t hang out until he no longer has feelings for me. I’m so confused, if we’re still in love then what’s the problem? I’m thinking about no contact but the last conversation we had wasn’t that good as he was pretty rude, so I want the last one to be a happy one for him to remember. I’ve initiated all contact except once when he randomly texted me about something his friend said.. What should I do? No contact even though it’s already been two weeks with contact? Or no contact after we have another nicer conversation?

Lauren

January 31, 2016 at 2:12 am

I feel like it may give me more power over the situation. We dated for two years btw.
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 31, 2016 at 5:16 am

Okay.. If that’s the case go ahead. It doesn’t matter if you had two weeks of conversation before.
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 30, 2016 at 3:06 pm

Hi Lauren,

If you initiated no contact after a good conversation and then he texted you wondering why you suddenly went MIA, what would you do?

Meg

January 24, 2016 at 9:26 pm

Chris… this nc is the biggest god$*&# f#(/&^# challenge ive had in my life. Im sure for other girls as well. Though i do agree that the craziness from the frist days start fading away and things get more clear in my mind. But sometimes i miss him much and my nervous fingers just wanna text and call and drive to his place etc. Its so difficult to be civilized when u have so many mixed emotions. In one moment i wanna bite his face kick his ba@)*$&$ next i just wanna cuddle and fix all this stuff. Anyways. Thanks. You are amazingly helpfull. Maybe write some insightful and inspiring articles for women going on nc so we can have different perspectives instead of frying our brains out during these endless merciless hours days weeks??? Xxx

Rue

February 16, 2016 at 3:33 pm

Right there with you! 1/2 way….
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 25, 2016 at 1:11 pm

Thanks Meg! Hmm, why not take it as a signal to do something happy or productive? Usually our minds wander when we’re not doing something.

Karla

January 14, 2016 at 9:59 pm

Hi Chris,

I have an interesting one for you. My fiance (boyfriend of 7 years, fiance of 6 months) is in law school and was going through a really tough stressful time. In the midst of it, he decided that he didn’t think he could “make me happy” and give me what I wanted out of life (i.e., children, time, etc.). I was always on board with his demanding career and we had always made these big decisions with each other in mind. He called things off about a month ago, but there was back and forth between us trying to figure out if this was “real” or just something that he was going through as a result of the stresses he was under. I am living in our apartment while he has been living at a friends house since he thinks its best if we do not see each other. He says he will never do better than me and knows I will find someone better than him, which makes me crazy because all I want is him. I started NC a couple of days ago and he acknowledged that I was no longer talking to him. I love him so much and want nothing more than for him to realize that we can make this work and that a demanding career does not prevent him from having a happy marriage and family. I was willing to call off the wedding and take a step back but he didn’t see that as an option. My question is, do I continue NC? I worry that NC will just validate his “idea” that I will be happier without him and that he will be better able to focus on his school without me in the picture. Please help!

Karla

January 19, 2016 at 5:22 pm

Yes, I told him everything. But I also told him that I needed the security of possibly having a family in the future. Although now, going through the breakup, I have had second thoughts about whether that is worth it. I don’t think that me saying “i definitely don’t want kids” would just automatically resolve the issue, however. I am living in our apartment while he has been staying at a friends house. I love him terribly and want to give him space (he is seeing a psychiatrist to work through his own personal issues), but am not sure if that will only validate his reasoning.
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 16, 2016 at 9:41 am

HI Karla,

Before NC, have you told him everything you said here but he still thinks the same way?

Shannon

January 12, 2016 at 11:39 pm

I am three weeks in to no contact and my ex hasn’t contacted me. But my problem is am that I have been replying to our mutual friend group chat. Does this mean that I have been in contact with him? I never respond when they are having a conversation. I only reply if he hasn’t yet. So I guess we aren’t directly communicating…. I’m worried I might have just ruined my no contact without even realizing it….. What do you think?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 16, 2016 at 10:49 am

Hi Shannon,
Is there a chance that when you’re talking to your mutual friend, he’s also right there by his/her side? It’s better if you just talked to your mutual friend privately and avoid the group chat for a while. It’s like you’re updating him there but not talking to him directly.

Georgina

January 5, 2016 at 12:25 pm

Hi,
My ex boyfriend broke up with me saying he isn’t in love with me and never wanted to live together but agreed to because he thought it would make me happy. I have done NC for 3 weeks and I then had to contact him regarding furniture sorting out etc because I have had to give notice on the house, but kept it very friendly. He cried to me on the phone for 45 minutes saying he wants to say something but doesn’t know if I should, asking if i have been with anyone else and saying that at new year he wanted to call but didn’t feel he could (he text me at Christmas but i ignored it). He is coming tomorrow to sort out furniture which he was really keen to do, he was literally like I am free whenever. When he comes I know to be the ungettable girl, push pull and be great and happy etc, but if he starts to talk about the relationship or getting back together (our joint friends have messaged me saying that is what he is thinking) should I allow it or is it too soon? also if he doesn’t talk about that, how long until I should do my first contact message?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 17, 2016 at 9:26 am

Hi Georgina,

If the guy is serous be serius with him too. Listen to him. If ever you get back together, maintain the push pull method, it’s just to say havung your own life for the health of the relationship

Irina

December 24, 2015 at 3:01 pm

Hi Christ,
Im in NC and on day 26 NC he sent me a funny video clip without saying anything, I didnt text back but I want to ask you what I should say when finished NC ? Something about that funny video clip that he had sent me or anything else?
Sanni

December 19, 2015 at 9:03 pm

Hi Chris, I love your site but I think I made a big mistake, I don’t know: me and my boyfriend broke up 5 months ago but we talked and we became Friends with benefits for one month after the break up… Then I found out how stupid i’ve been!! I stopped sleeping with him..He started seeing a new girl and after some weeks, some friends said to me that he cheated on me in the past, so i decided to stop texting him and being a gnat. Well, i was very depressed about it but during the no contact rule he didn’t even text me!! 3 months have passed and I don’t know what to do.. Please ,help me.
Ellie

December 19, 2015 at 6:55 pm

Hi Chris,
I’m currently on day 7 of NC.
My ex-boyfriend and I have been broken up for about 2 months. I broke up with him, later realized it wasn’t what I had wanted, told him I wanted to be with him still. He wanted time and space to think. Ultimately, he decided he’d rather see other people.
Since our breakup, we’ve slept together and even had “dates”, and it seems to be turning into a “friends with benefits” situation. Obviously, this is not what I want. After our last “date,” I told him that it was the last time. He seemed pretty skeptical.
He has much more self-control than I. I always initiate after a night of drinking (he knows this). I’d text him to call or FaceTime me at a later time, which he does, and then I’d ask him to come over the following week.
Trying out this NC rule to if anything will change. I am pretty skeptical of this experiment, as I feel I don’t have a chance of getting him back. But what have I got to lose?
Anyway, I got him a Christmas present after he told me he had gotten me a gift. He said he’d send me mine. So, should I send his gift around Christmas or after NC?
Rachael

December 14, 2015 at 9:40 pm

Hi Chris, I left a message on the other page but I just read this one. So my ex thought I have blocked and deleted him personally from social media and blocked his number (I have turned my phone off and using my old one for now, and just deactivated my social media). My mum told him I did this for space and did not say how long for. So since he literally cant contact me until the NC is over (ill turn my phone back on then), is this a bad thing?
Sophia

December 11, 2015 at 4:27 pm

Hi Chris,

First off thank you so much for creating this website and for curating your advisement in a helpful and funny way. Five days ago today, my boyfriend of five years had an argument about his depression/mood swings and how he treated me that resulted in him terminating our relationship. I sent him an email the next morning, begging for him to seek help so we could be happy together again. I did not try to contact him again after the one email. Yesterday, (day four) he sent me an email reply stating that there isn’t much left to say but he’s sorry and doesn’t want to hurt me anymore. He asked me not to contact him again. I did not respond. Five years together ending in essentially no closure and him asking me not to contact him was gut wrenching. Does it matter that he has asked me not to contact him? Will NC still work – i’m basically giving him want he wants. I realize he is probably expecting me to contact him because a few sentences in an email doesn’t feel like closure at all. Not to mention after the history we had.

Thanks for all your help!
ANNE

December 8, 2015 at 3:32 am

Hey chris, just wanted to thank you, and tell you i didn’t get my ex back in the way i thought i would, but he’s always being my best friend and we are now in a complete new amazing level of friendship, which somehow your book helped to get! Sometimes our happy ending isn’t exactly what we thought would be, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t amazing and your book helped a lot, friendship relationships, real ones, are as hard to maintain as love relationships, they are kind of a love relationship after all! thanks!

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1,165 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0)”