The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0) - Ex Boyfriend Recovery

1,165 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0)”

Jess

December 7, 2015 at 11:16 pm

I was dating my ex for a month, but I was more like three months smashed into one. He’d already invited me to meet his family, though I was unable to make the trip. One night after a lot of drinking, we got into a political argument at a nicer bar. It wasn’t pretty, but we made up. The next day he told me he wasn’t upset and that we should talk about our fighting styles to avoid a blowup in the future. Then he blew me off for the weekend, but gave little long excuses that seemed like he just didn’t want me to be mad. I didn’t think much of it. Then I didn’t hear from him for several days. I was sure he was trying to ghost me…just my instinct. I sent him a nice text saying I don’t understand the silent treatment, and he responded with something about reevaluating his priorities and not wanting to jump into a relationship “like that” (meaning the fight). I had no idea he was so upset. I told him I was sorry and hoped we’d talk. He said we could when he was back in town, but he never contacted me. I started my 30day NC plan by unfriending him on Facebook. I am in Day 7, and still can’t believe something so silly could ruin it all.

Jess

December 10, 2015 at 3:03 pm

Weakness moments over…delete option?
Jess

December 8, 2015 at 1:55 am

I’m starting to feel like I was too hasty in cutting him off. He was supposed to get with me on either Saturday or Sunday to talk, and I unfriended him on Monday evening. I felt like I couldn’t initiate another text, but I also had to take action because it’s not okay to ignore me. Now what?

Emily

December 7, 2015 at 6:11 am

Hi Chris. I’m already reading your book and following your articles. Believe me your words really helped me dealing with a bad break up. I need an advice from you.

My bf broke up a week ago because he was very sure his parents wouldn’t allow me to marry him. But I don’t think his parents are the only reason for his decision. He himself seemed distracted and less invested in the relationship, I felt like pushing him to be in this relationship. He also asked me if we could be friends or would I cut all forms of contact with him. I said I needed some time to think.

He texted me the next day after the break up and asked how I was. I replied casually. On Day 2 he texted me again but I didn’t reply because I didn’t feel like replying. When he saw no response he got worried and sent me another text to ensure if I was okay. I ignored him again. From that day we stopped all kind of contacts. I stopped being on Facebook completely because then I would have gotten the urge to stalk him or send him messages which I don’t want at all. I haven’t heard from him yet.
I needed time to heal and I don’t want to talk to him for a month. But I love him and want him back. Did I do right to ignore him? Will the NC work in this situation?
We are in long distance relationship BTW. Thanks in advance.

Chris Seiter

December 7, 2015 at 3:40 pm

Were his parents against your marriage because of religious reasons?

CONFUSED

December 2, 2015 at 3:02 pm

Hi Chris,
He broke up with me about a week ago. I was his first girlfriend btw. Before that, we seldom have any arguments in the relationship, everything seems to be going fine and normal. He knows that I will be going to other countries to pursue my degree next year and he wanted to go with me too. All of a sudden, he told me that he did not want to go with me anymore. I asked him why and he told me that he doesn’t see the point of furthering his studies overseas. I told him that no matter what I will still be going, and told him that if that is his choice, he could wait for me to be back after 2 years. Unexpectedly, he told me that he did not want to wait for me and wanted to break up with me. It was very sudden and unexpected. I asked him why? was it because he doesn’t want to go through LDR? Was it because he doesn’t trust me. He said, no, and said that he does not have much feelings more me like he did before. I was really hurt because I never expect him to answer like this. I cried in front of him but luckily I did not beg him to change his mind. I just cried and stay silent. After that, he even cried in front of me. I asked him the other day why he cried and he told me it was because he felt guilty.

The next day, he acted like nothing happened and still hugs me, gets very intimate with me and still call me pet names. I got really angry because I felt like he did not respect me. I am not his anymore but why is he still doing this? Is he playing with me? I confronted him and asked why and all he said was it was because he was used to it and not because he still have feelings for me. I read your article about mixed signals and I have a slight idea about the brutal reasons of why he did so. He even kept asking me when will I be going overseas to study for a few times. BTW, he also mentioned that he wants to get back with me after 2 years if I do come back and if both of us stand a chance to meet again after the 2 years, but I take it like a pinch of salt because I doubt if he really means it or he is just saying that to make me feel better.

FYI, When we were still together, he gets really insecure when I talk to other guys in a friendly manner and gets jealous of my past relationships. He even cried and got really emotional because of these factors. It’s so unbelievable that he can go from being so afraid of losing me to having no feelings for me anymore.

What should I do? I want him back, but I will be leaving overseas after 2 to 3 months from now.

CONFUSED

December 4, 2015 at 4:21 pm

I am still going to study overseas as my priority. My plan is hopefully to influence him to come over and further his studies too because I know it is good for him and his future. Because when he made the decision not to go and when he decision to break up, it is when both of us are having our finals and major projects, so I think he made these decision when he is under stress and doubt if he really think logically. ONE QUESTION, why do you think that he still wants me back / have feelings for me?
Chris Seiter

December 3, 2015 at 4:49 am

LDR can be really challenging. What do you plan on doing about that? If he wanted you back so bad I’m sure he still does but men have egos.
CONFUSED

December 2, 2015 at 3:06 pm

And yes, I started the NC rule a 2 days ago after reading this.
CONFUSED

December 2, 2015 at 3:04 pm

TYPO.
I mean
*much feelings for me

Anne

December 1, 2015 at 8:01 pm

So we have been best friends since high school and us and all our shared friends always get together for Christmas, i don’t want to not go just because of him, but it will be around day 20 of no contact, what should i do? (i bought the book but can’t find an answer there)

Anne

December 2, 2015 at 6:50 pm

the party will be on day 26 of NC…by the way… and thanks again chris!
Anne

December 2, 2015 at 5:58 pm

Hi! thanks for answering! So we’ve known each other for 10 years and we were actually best friends, we dated for 6 moths but he kept saying he was afraid to mess our friendship up, until finally he decided to end it. After that we kept talking like friends, i wanted him back, became kind of a gnat, and our friendship broke down anyway, then about a month later we had a group hang and he wouldnt go because he had started dating someone and didn’t want her to meet me….so that’s when i decided to start no contact, so far im on day 9 and he hasn’t contacted me directly, we do have a group chat with our friends, one of this days he sent a message and i’m usually the one to reply first to his text in the group chat, but didn’t reply at all, that was hard. Other than that he hasn’t contacted me yet.
Chris Seiter

December 2, 2015 at 12:07 am

Hi Anne sorry it took me some time to get back to this message. I have about 900 messages to answer today. Has he contacted you during the no contact period? How long were you together before you broke up?

Milly

November 27, 2015 at 6:58 am

Not sure what to do in this situation, can you please help Chris and if anyone else has a suggestion/experience please let me know.

Its been 1 week of NC and before this we had bought some xmas presents together and we said we’d both buy stuff and split the cost. So he text today asking how i was doing and that he got his dad a xmas present and he liked it so he got himself one too. He then asked if i had bought any other presents. So should i reply about the xmas presents and i wont chat about anything else? It seems kind of important to let him know about the presents so that we dont buy the same thing or buy for someone the other person has bought for. Also he didnt put a kiss at the end of the text so should i not put one either? What do you think? Please help! Thanks x

Milly

December 3, 2015 at 9:31 am

Thank you. I didn’t know if I would get a reply or not so I couldn’t wait around. I knew you’d end up saying the opposite of what I did :(. However, I replied and kept it casual and straight to the point about xmas presents and that was it. I asked no questions and didn’t put a kiss at the end either.
Chris Seiter

December 2, 2015 at 5:01 am

Definitely do not put a kiss after either. I would recommend sticking to no contact.
Milly

November 27, 2015 at 10:55 am

I really need help with this :/. I feel like its one of those times where its acceptabke to reply but i dont want to if i’m wrong. I dont want to ruin anything.

Kate

November 24, 2015 at 8:36 am

Hello Chris,

Thank you so much for your kind support here. I want some answer from you about no contact rule. I been working on NC with my ex until on day 17, I found out that my ex meet up with his ex and I thou that he getting back with her (our first broke up its because he got back with her and then he broke up with her and be with me again) so I sent a msg to him like i thou you got over her etc etc. He answered me the next day and said they just hanging out as friend as she having a bf now. I didn’t answer his reply thou. 2 days after that he sent me a song and said he think of me immediately after listen to this song. I answered him and we talked on skype, he said he glad to hear back from me again. We had a long conversation the next day and he asked if I with anyone. As I broke the NC period. Shall I continuing doing it?

Chris Seiter

December 3, 2015 at 5:57 am

It sounds like he likes you more since he broke up with her for you before or he’s having a hard time deciding who he likes better. If he broke up with her it’s likely he will do it again. He will go back and forth between you two as long as you let him.

Since you broke no contact, I’d say stick with this conversation. Tell him your not with anyone but there is a guy that is pursuing you. If he pushes about it change the subject. Do not talk to him about his gf. Act like you don’t care and she doesn’t exist.

Judy

November 19, 2015 at 7:01 am

Hey Chris!
I’m on Day 22 of NC and heard via a mutual male friend that my ex plans to text me soon (my friend said to my ex that I still have feelings – which I didn’t expect). If my ex does make contact, how do I respond? Do I wait a day to respond, or respond casually and see where the conversation goes, or ignore it until 30 days NC is complete? Some background: We broke up a month ago – it wasn’t very amicable – I didn’t feel valued – we talked about it, my ex felt backed in a corner and said he didn’t know what he wanted. This surprised me – I assumed we’d work through the issues – and so I made the break-up official the next day because I figured he can’t be that into me if he doesn’t know what he wants. But maybe I “pushed’ a bit much too soon at only 5 months together? My expectations are high, maybe too much so at times. I compared our relationship/him to an ex-fiancé who really did set an ‘above average’ benchmark when it comes to dating and romancing. Maybe it’s also worth mentioning that my ex and I both went through bad breakups last year, and finding each other has totally helped both of us move on from those breakups. I really like this guy, but I am scared to get into another long-term relationship that doesn’t go anywhere. I’ve started a diary for my 30-day NC challenge – in some ways, I’d hoped for NC to help me move on, but then secretly wishing we might get back together at the same time (talk about confused, but I figured I’d know whether I should contact him or not after 30 days is up!). After 3 weeks of NC and loads of socializing and meeting new people, I still hold out for him. The post-breakup hit me harder than I thought. Mmmm…
Jessy

November 16, 2015 at 8:22 pm

Hi Chris, The guy I was seeing recently broke things off with me. We were together for only 4.5 months, however, I would sleep at his house almost every night. When we met the spark and connection was intense and insane. We both couldn’t get enough of each other. Unfortunately, I feel we moved too fast. He was single for 3 years before he met me. He was so excited at first about us and spoke frequently about a relationship, however, he slowly started withdrawing. Then two weeks ago he called me to break things off. He claimed I was getting too emotionally attached and he wasn’t ready yet and didn’t want to break my heart. A week later he all of a sudden started messaging me, asking about my Saturday night plans, getting jealous, saying the reason he broke things off had nothing to do with how he felt about me….So we hung out Sunday night and Monday night. Then we took a few days apart. I stupidly sent him a message being needy. So he distanced himself for a couple days. Yesterday, I said if we are going to be friends I need some time away from him to get over him. He didn’t seem to like that and asked me over. Last night I saw him again. He said he likes me, is attracted to me, enjoys spending time with me and we’d still be seeing each other if I wasn’t so “Emo”., but he doesn’t feel we should be in a relationship. He wants me to stay in his life though. He also said there are personality traits I have that he doesn’t think would mesh well with his, in terms of a relationship. He wouldn’t elaborate though. Do you think I have a chance at this 30 day NC working? I feel like he’ll miss me…but we weren’t together that long….Any advice would be much appreciated. Jessy

Christina

November 19, 2015 at 9:36 pm

Hi Jessy

I couldn’t help myself! I wanted so badly to reply on your post. I go through something similar (You can read my new unread blog if you like) I think this guy really like you, and I think you know that too, otherwise you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t think there was a hope of you two getting back together in a serious relationship.

I think this NC rule is perfect for you! As this guy have been single for so long, he might be scared of letting go of his freedom, specially because you started out with a very romantic beginning almost like “Twilight” (For what I understood.) now you can show him that you actually have a life beside him, he is a lot to you, but not everything! You don’t need him, you just want him. He need to see that being in a relationship with you doesn’t mean to give up his hobby’s or anything like you don’t give up on yours!
You can do it! Go for it!
Regards
Christina

Rachael

November 16, 2015 at 6:43 pm

My boyfriend of 5 and a half years broke up with me two weeks ago. We were living together and I have moved out. I’m in no contact phase for the last two weeks. He has sent texts asking “when will I get the rest of my stuff, not trying to rush you just wondered” when i didnt respond to the text and instead just went and got more things from the house while he was at work. He then sent me the say text again. I did not respond and he called and left a message the next day. Now two days later He sends me a text to please come get my stuff in the next 48 hours. I’m not sure what to even respond to it.
Look in for answers

November 16, 2015 at 5:47 am

Hi Chris,
So me and this guy fell in love like serious deal for a year but due to cultural reasons we couldnt be together we told eachother we would always be friends and be there for eachother no matter what and we valued eachother so much we didn’t want to lose eachother … So we tried to be friends for a few days obviously hard
… His lease expired so he found a new place … Turns out there is a single girl living there with other roommates as well 6 days after they move in together he tells me he likes her … So I was confused but decided to just have some space cuz he was getting weird and mean …. Within the 3 1/2 weeks I did NC he kept reaching out to me I did answer I didn’t no about NC yet… But then I relIzed how hurt I was because it wasn’t fair to me … About a Month after living in his new place…I went to congratulate him on a huge promotion he was waiting for and we kind of talked about things and then he said he told the roommate he loved me and we wanted to get married and I said I was happy he was honest with her and then he said that she is his girlfriend now… I was in shock I couldn’t believe he could just move on so fast and I was trying to say congrats and I was trying to keep my cool …I walked away very hurt because we never hated eachother, or had problems we didn’t even do physical because of cultural reasons but our love was so strong it was unbelievable he said I was the one for him and I thought the same … I’ve implemented the NC rule since he told me he has a girlfriend it’s almost hitting 30 days I just want us to be friends and move foward but I also want him to say he’s sorry for being so mean and pushing me away … He’s texted my friends randomly who he hardly speaks too and is super nice and friendly but I think it’s cuz he’s trying to get the scoop on me .. Neither of us have any social media so it’s not like we can stalk I just want to forgive and be friends … I have forgiven but I want an acknowledgement
maggie

November 13, 2015 at 7:40 pm

Hi chris. I dated a guy for 5 months. he was reluctant to make it official. it seemed like he was stringing me along. I did the no contact for 70 days. and he still acts jealous as if we’re together but he won’t be with me so I’m confused. why do guys do that? I’m about ready to walk away because he won’t keep it real with me. what do I do?
Che

November 12, 2015 at 3:26 pm

Hi Chris! I’m new to your site and wondering if you could give me some advice.
I’m 23 years old. I broke up with my bf of 3 years 5 days ago. He was actually my first boyfriend so I am really having a hard time accepting the break up. I’m sure that I love him very much. I really don’t know what happened to our relationship but he told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore. Our relationship was on the rocks and we decided to go on a trip together to “rekindle the fire” in our relationship. However, the trip didn’t help at all.

I still love him but I am not sure if I want him back. I sometimes noticed that (unconsciously) he kept comparing me with his exes. Then recently, he always wear this uninterested and bored look on his face whenever he’s with me.
Jenn

November 12, 2015 at 1:18 am

Hey Chris!
I just wanted to start off by saying how much I appreciate everything you do. My boyfriend and I took a break two weeks ago to try and start over because he said he did not feel a connection to me anymore, and basically he fell out of love with me and lost all his romantic feelings. We talked about our relationship recently and he broke up with me saying he can’t keep trying because he still does not have any romantic feelings towards me, and he said that he just wants to be alone and knows he should not be in a relationship right now, and he thinks it may take longer than a month for him to come around if he ever does. He still considers me his best friend, but I love him, and I see him in my future so I do not want to just be his friend. With the no contact rule here, do you think it will it still work on my ex considering he specified that he wants to be alone? And how do I keep from being friend-zoned? Thank you.
Bella No Contact Rule November 9, 2015

November 10, 2015 at 1:49 am

Hi Chris.
While my boyfriend and I took a break from a tennis tournament, he told me that he needed time out from our relationship. That he thought he was falling in love with me and it became overwhelming to him. Besides his job and all the other things he was active in, it’s too much for him. He also stated that he didn’t want to date for some time to come. He send me a text about 1 hour later to apologize for not using a more appropriate time to tell me. I didn’t answer his text. This all happened 3 days ago. I have not been in contact with him whatsoever.
Needless to say I am crushed. I also have to tell you that he has been in NA for nearly 21 years. And that he goes to the meetings 4-5 times a week. He is 53.
Single, divorced for 12 years, no children. I am 62. Attractive and a widow. We had been dating for 6 month. What should I do to get him back.
Kait

November 6, 2015 at 9:48 pm

Hi Chris, I know you get thousands of messages like this, but I really need some advice. I think I’ve completely blown my chances of ever getting my ex back, even if I do follow your guides/advice. Basically we’ve been on and off for over a year now and we argue a lot, he never apologises after arguments and will just ignore me for the rest of the day or even for a day+ where as I’ll apologise most of the time regardless and I hate being ignored, especially by him, and then when he does speak to me he just acts normal again or sometimes he’ll say things like ‘going to be a normal gf or still an angry troll’ I admit when we argue at times I can say some really horrible and unforgivable things, but so has he. He’s said many times over the past months that he doesn’t love me and hasnt wanted to be with me for months now. It’s mostly him who breaks up with me, I’ve only ever broken up with him I’ve but I didn’t mean it. He’s also said that he’s only taken me back because I made him or wouldn’t leave him alone. Now last week we had a huge fight on Sunday and things got so bad and again he said were over and that he doesn’t love me anymore and that once I leave his house I won’t be setting foot in there ever again. Things got broken and he got angry and pushed me but I replaced the broken things and got them sent to his house. He text me after the break up saying he got the items but he can’t accept them knowing how he feels about us and that he sees no future for us and doesn’t see us ever working. I tried to do no contact but failed on day 3 🙁 and text him back saying ‘Hey, I was just thinking about the first time we went to the cinema together to see Jurassic World, it was so good. I am glad we did that.’ But because he didn’t reply I turned into a text gnat and then said ‘could we talk please? I don’t like how things were left.’ He replied ‘I enjoyed the good times we had too but things arent the same and we argue too much, please send me your address so i can return the items as it doesnt feel right’ I responded ‘I don’t want to lose you, so will you please work with me to make our relationship work again, I know I don’t deserve it but I care for you deeply and I love you..I want you to keep the them, I’m sorry.’ And again he didn’t respond so I text him again saying ‘Please just talk with me, even if you hate me, please hear me out.’ He responded saying ‘it’s over I sorry, there’s nothing else I can say’ I continued to keep begging him to take me back and him not replying and when he I asked him if he loved me he said no sorry and he also said he won’t be contacting me anymore and i really dont want to upset you more and talking is doing that, you are more than welcome to let me send the items back, other than that good bye. I continued to bombard him with messages and calls, he replied no my minds made up..I continued to message and call him the next day too but no reply. It’s not been almost 3 days I haven’t heard from him and I’m absolutely terrified of losing him. I didn’t text him today so this is the first day I haven’t contacted him for..I want to try the no contact but I always end up caving in. Do you think the Nc rule will get him to speak to me or even give us a chance of ever getting back together? Please help.
Mary

November 6, 2015 at 2:23 pm

Okay I’m in a little bit of a emergency situation. I’m getting ready to leave tomorrow for a week with my family to go on vacation and I’m on day 19 of no contact with my ex. I have a family member that lives with us because he is paralyzed. The family member that was going to look after him while we are gone is in the hospital as of this morning. The only person we can think of to help is my ex boyfriend. My love one cannot take care of themselves at all, its either call him to help us out or my mother’s going to stay home from the vacation. He highly admires my parents, so I believe that he would do it? What should i do please help?
Lizzy

November 3, 2015 at 2:06 pm

Me and my ex are in the same class…will no contact be effective??

Lizzy

November 3, 2015 at 2:10 pm

I commented earlier but I got no reply. I was going through an emotional breakdown and that caused me say things like I’m gonna leave you. He was really really hurt that night and tried so much to calm me down. I came back to my senses the next morning and apologized but he just moved on. I begged him for over a month and I started NC a week back. He’s been ignoring me completely since then and blames me for ending the relationship. Will I get him back? Are there any chances

Mich

November 3, 2015 at 3:42 am

I’d sure like your opinion about my situation.

In a nutshell: met my ex in January 2014. He had a girlfriend of 5 years; not going well (confirmed from friends), they lived together 4 months of the year when he wasn’t working, in another town far away. We went on a few dates and then he told me about her. I broke up with him but took him back after he said he broke up with her. I’d ask him if they were in contact and he always said no, that it was over long before he broke it off.

June same year, he made up a huge lie and had to go back for an emergency. Left for 5 days, came back with some belongings, but not nearly all of them. In the back of my mind I knew he was lying, but guess I chose to ignore it – duh.

Fast forward.. We’ve had a lot of trust issues because of his lying. He always said he was just scared to make me mad so he lied instead. So after being together (there were a lot of “offs”) for almost 2 years, I caught him texting a girl I didn’t know. Turned out to be his ex’s friend. He then fessed up to a lot, not sure everything. Told me the emergency trip was to see if he had any chance left with the ex. And during that trip he was a gnat with me, telling me how much he loved me. Found out he would text her once and a while “to keep the peace” because his belongings were still there. I’m not dumb, I know he was keeping ties by not getting his stuff. I immediately moved out.

So he fessed up, said he fell in love with me, went and got his stuff, set up couples counselling, offered for me to take his phone for as long as I want to see who texts him. I told him I needed the time to process, but he was a psycho gnat. I couldn’t handle the smothering. And knowing I was the rebound and they don’t usually work out was always in my mind. So I responded in anger to most of his texts, and then ignored him. After relentless texting about how much he loved and missed me, it took a matter of three hours from “give me a chance” text to something “clicked” and he didn’t need me, he’d be ok. That we need to move on. Then silence for a week.

Yes, I am in strict NC.

Then I get this a day ago:
“To bad this happened, it had to. We were both at a dead ends. We can both move forward and embrace the future what ever it is. You are very special and we will both grow from this. We never got to the point of true friendship but hope that we can one day. Take care of yourself and have a great day.”

Is that a goodbye or he found another rebound? Very out of his gnat character. How would you view this?

I haven’t and will not respond. I have my moments, but I’m really not sure if he’s worth my time to peruse. And need to make sure my feeling aren’t those of the “cocaine-like” addiction.

Your thoughts would be appreciated Chris!
Monica

November 2, 2015 at 5:41 pm

Hey Chris,

My boyfriend broke up with me about 2.5 weeks ago. I haven’t contacted him. What if he hasn’t contacted me, does that mean he’s coping as well? Is he playing by the same rules I am? I want him back so badly. He even dressed up as half of the Halloween costume we were going to be (not sure if that’s good or bad as in being a jerk) I’m following your advice…easier said than done. Please advise!!!
Lily

November 2, 2015 at 4:53 pm

Hi Chris,

My boyfriend of ~2 years broke up with me 3 days ago. We are both in medical school and have been doing long distance for the past 6 months. He is a semester ahead of me and in the process of applying for his next hospital rotation, and the plan had been for him to wait a couple of months until I was also ready to apply- so that we could apply for the same hospital/city together.

However, he ended up telling me the other day that his parents will absolutely not be okay with him delaying his next step and that he cannot wait for me. I felt deceived because he knew this, yet he let me go on for months thinking something else. We had a big argument over it before he finally admitted that he just didn’t want to tell me the truth. He says that he can’t stand to hurt me anymore, that he is a selfish person, that I will be better off without him and that this is whats best for me. He says that he has grown a lot as a person and has become better for me, but that its just not enough and that I deserve better.

We have still been talking but I can tell he is getting frustrated with me being clingy, desperate, and begging for him back. I know he still loves me (we were very happy and very much in love, were planning on getting married, etc) but I don’t know how to change his mind. He took the power away from me to decide whether or not to forgive him, he’s the one that did something wrong, so why am I the one being dumped? The worst part is that I have a plane ticket to go see him in 5 days. What do I do?!

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1,165 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0)”