The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0) - Ex Boyfriend Recovery

1,167 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0)”

Monica

November 2, 2015 at 5:41 pm

Hey Chris,

My boyfriend broke up with me about 2.5 weeks ago. I haven’t contacted him. What if he hasn’t contacted me, does that mean he’s coping as well? Is he playing by the same rules I am? I want him back so badly. He even dressed up as half of the Halloween costume we were going to be (not sure if that’s good or bad as in being a jerk) I’m following your advice…easier said than done. Please advise!!!
Lily

November 2, 2015 at 4:53 pm

Hi Chris,

My boyfriend of ~2 years broke up with me 3 days ago. We are both in medical school and have been doing long distance for the past 6 months. He is a semester ahead of me and in the process of applying for his next hospital rotation, and the plan had been for him to wait a couple of months until I was also ready to apply- so that we could apply for the same hospital/city together.

However, he ended up telling me the other day that his parents will absolutely not be okay with him delaying his next step and that he cannot wait for me. I felt deceived because he knew this, yet he let me go on for months thinking something else. We had a big argument over it before he finally admitted that he just didn’t want to tell me the truth. He says that he can’t stand to hurt me anymore, that he is a selfish person, that I will be better off without him and that this is whats best for me. He says that he has grown a lot as a person and has become better for me, but that its just not enough and that I deserve better.

We have still been talking but I can tell he is getting frustrated with me being clingy, desperate, and begging for him back. I know he still loves me (we were very happy and very much in love, were planning on getting married, etc) but I don’t know how to change his mind. He took the power away from me to decide whether or not to forgive him, he’s the one that did something wrong, so why am I the one being dumped? The worst part is that I have a plane ticket to go see him in 5 days. What do I do?!
Sarah

November 1, 2015 at 6:57 pm

So in my case my ex boyfriend and I still hang out and still talk on a relatively regular basis. He’s always the one that asks me to hang out and he still says he loves me and tries to act like my boyfriend but says he isn’t ready to commit right now and still wants to be able to do his own thing (aka date other people). If I do the 30 day no contact rule its going to be really out of nowhere. What happens if he asks me after why I didn’t talk to him for so long or what happened? Since its going to be a very abrupt change what reason am I supposed to give him?
Court

October 31, 2015 at 1:17 pm

Hi Chris,
I am in say 4 of no contact (so lame but I just pushed myself to start) and I just had 2 questions. 1 being that I can’t help but think NC is just training my ex to see he is ok without me. Is this possible? . And 2 he took off of work for my birthday (in a week) which he never does, so what should I do about that? Thanks so much.

Court

October 31, 2015 at 1:20 pm

Also I want to mention, he gets REALLY mad when he’s ignored. He tells me that me ignoring him is a big thing that makes him not like me anymore, and this is how he’s gotten me to cave in the past.
Court

October 31, 2015 at 1:17 pm

Day 4*

Amy

October 31, 2015 at 2:01 am

Do you think he might still change his mind if I stick to the no contact rule really well now, even if I did not do so for the initial 20 days after the breakup?
laura

October 30, 2015 at 2:43 am

I’m stuck on nc w/kids. I’m not sure what to do. I feel smothered. He is using the kids into manipulating me to talk to him. He asks about them I answer them boom I get interrogated about avoiding him. It’s only day 6 and this is my 2nd attempt at nc. I thought this time would be better but he just will not quit. Idk how many times I can redirect the questions about nc. I don’t know what to say. Idk if I want him back. I just want space to think.
Emma

October 29, 2015 at 8:36 pm

I love this updated version of this article. Everything you have written has helped me out tremendously during my break up. It has helped to remind me that I can be strong and that is my main focus during this period of NC. I did have a quick question though about how to approach a certain situation.

I “live” with my ex but have been staying with a girlfriend for the last week. Initally my ex was very sweet, letting me know I had as long as I needed to find a new place, could leave my stuff there as long as possible, but after our last conversation (after which I restsarted the NC rule because I felt I didn’t stick to my guns as well as I should have and approached him with a few questions as well) he seemed to be acting very cold and mean. It’s as if he can’t wait for me to have everything gone. Also come to find out he talked about our break up to some mutual friends at a party and seemed to feel as if he never cared about the relationship. I have read the articles you have that talk about this so I’m assuming it’s because he is playing victim. I will be able to move into a new place on Dec. 1st but have to leave my stuff there until then. I will continue to stay with this friend. I am dreading having to let him know. I just want to keep to the NC as much as possible. Should I only talk to him if he texts and asks when I’m moving out, or asks for an update and treat it as business as you have suggested? Or should I send him a text that says something like, “hey just wanted to let you know I can have everything out by the 1st.”
chris you are so smart , i need your help,

October 28, 2015 at 1:14 am

Please answer me chris
Chris i`m pregnant of my ex but he doesn’t know yet, so i`m doing the NC rule again this is my 2 time, and i don’t know if i should tell him i`m pregnant first then NC or NC and then give him the news , ?
he is traveling right now so i don’t think is a good idea the i`m pregnant text, so better wait and try the NC , right ?

Chris Seiter

January 16, 2016 at 9:27 pm

Did you read my article on pregnancy?

Dena

October 26, 2015 at 6:55 pm

Hi Chris, I hope you’ve been really well 🙂 Just a quick note to follow up on my post on Oct 20. What should I do to rectify the situation re my ex not initiating ( calls, texts etc.)? This is leaving me very uninspired and I’m getting over the situation – fast! What do you think? Many thanks for your help (as always 🙂

Chris Seiter

December 4, 2015 at 5:48 am

Hi Dena! The only thing you can do is no contact but you don’t want to over use it.

Kelsielala

October 25, 2015 at 1:38 pm

Hi Chris, I’ve followed all of your posts and must say great advice, but I have yet to come across something that resembles my situation so hopefully you will see this and can offer some advice!

My ex broke up with me in August. We had been dating for 8/9 months but I had recently lost my job and become very insecure as he was the only solid thing in my life and become a bit reliant upon him and somewhat clingy and needy – something I had never ever been before. He said he wasn’t in the place to be in a relationship and needed to concentrate on himself and what he wanted it. (He has suffered with depression before meeting me) Anyway, we had a holiday booked for early October so had to stay in contact to sort out what would happen. We saw each other a few times before the holiday and was affectionate and intimate. We had a few arguments about the holiday and whether I could go on it as I thought it would be too hard… Against my better judgment I went and sure enough, everything was as I expected – couply and affectionate. He had always said that he doesn’t see us getting back together yet he goes through phases where he will contact me by ringing and texting me as if we are together. I know that he is insecure and hasn’t got many people he can depend on so I wrote him a letter saying how he special he made me feel and how he taught me love and that even when he feels lonely, just know that I am out there and think he’s perfect but can’t keep in contact as my heart is broken. He said he appreciated it but still needs to concentrate on himself. We still have contact but I sense it’s getting a little tense and forced. Is it too late to start the NC rule?

He is very insecure deep down and I’m afraid that if I NC then he could react very badly, see me as being bitter and unfriendly and then cut me off because of this. Is it a bad idea to tell him that I need to concentrate on myself and will speak to him when I’m ready or just implement the rule without telling him anything?

Thank you 🙂
Louisa

October 25, 2015 at 11:17 am

HI Chris,

This week is started the NC period, after I had diner with my ex boyfriend to talk. He said he didn’t want me anymore, because he is afraid our relation will be drama again. But he also told me he still loves me and misses me. I ended the relation a month ago, so it’s my fault it’s over. I really miss him and found out that he is still the one I love. It is my birthday in a couple of days and I know he is going to call or send me a text message to wish me a happy birthday. Should i ignore him? Or just be friendly and sound “happy”?

Another question I have: should i delete him from my snapchat? I am not sending him personal snapchats, but I know he watches my story. I don’t want him to think I am uploading my story just for him..

I really hope you can help met out here..
Sanitta

October 24, 2015 at 11:15 am

Hi Chris,
After my ex and I broke up for about a month, we kept contact but whenever we talked we got into a fight and he would leave the conversation and ignore me for days or until I reached out to him. When we talked he was kind of hot and cold to me. We dated for over a year and broke up because we fought a lot and he started shutting me out. I had implemented NC rules and disappeared for about a week and he tried to reach out to me saying he wants to share the moment he’s been through before he moves away from his hometown to another state. At first he begged to talk as a friend, of course I ignored him and he got really upset. He said if I could ignore him when he needed me most then I’ll never hear from him ever again and he blocked me. Now he’s on his way to his new destination. Is there any chance he’ll unblock me or try to reach out to me again? Will he respond after I finished my NC? It’s my 13th day of NC today.
Isla

October 22, 2015 at 10:30 pm

Hi there,

Ive been exclusively dating a guy for 5 months, we have had an amazing time together really into each other, do stuff together talk daily we are like a couple but without the ‘label’ Unfortunately he suffers from depression and anxiety and has yet to seek help for those. But he get overwhelmed with everything and can’t cope with pressure. Ive been very laid back over the time we have been dating, he does lots of initiating and I do some. Then when he get overwhelmed he withdrawals from everything we had an argument about it twice over the last few weeks and kept starting conversations and never finishing them about where we stand with each other etc and if we want to keep this going. I felt really unimportant after that and knew we were going to break up, we had a few more weeks together after that which was lovely but I still felt so unsure about things as we never finished the conversations of where we stood and if we were keeping this going ( note after these ‘half’ conversations we would go back into it like nothing had been said) he came over last night and broke up with me saying he wasn’t 100% sure about breaking up but he thinks its the right thing to do. I agreed with him but said i would have loved to keep it going if we could have established where this was going. He stayed and we had a normal night after that, saying how much we will miss each other and it will be really weird.

I plan on doing the no contact rule, do you think that will work? Im very independent and have already organised nights out and other dates to keep distracted so I won’t have a major problem doing no contact but not sure if this is even a salvageable relationship?
Megan

October 22, 2015 at 8:38 pm

What if during the NC period, you accidentally bump into your ex, do you have to start all over again? How should one act in this situation?
Sarah

October 22, 2015 at 7:54 pm

Hello, I wanted some advice on my situation on how I should go with the No Contact. My boyfriend and I broke up about two days ago, and he told me that he no longer had any feelings for me, and he was also worried about me graduating college before him. I tried to ask for him back, but he said that he wanted me as a close friend instead. I want to try the no contact rule to see if I can get him back, but we both have a class together in school and we also work together during the weekends. My ex is also a very stubborn person who doesn’t like to admit things, so I’m also afraid that he will not want to get back together with me even though he might want to. Should I still try the no contact method, and how would I go about doing that since I have to see him every weekend anyway because of work?

Please reply,
Sarah
victoria

October 22, 2015 at 6:21 pm

hi chris – I’ve read a few of your posts [even though they’ve been really long] haha but I’ve appreciated every one of them that I’ve read. thanks for putting ur time n efforts into this entire site – the energy to do all of this is insane!

my situation is as such – he wasn’t an actual boyfriend, we’ve been frisky when he was so sure about me but not yet calling me his gf. then he got confused and was steered towards being uncommitted and bad things happened, arguments, i showed signs of neediness/anxiety, GNATTiness, and naturally he withdrew himself from me… and told me he jus wanted to be friends and later on said that he don’t think it’ll ever work out.

I’ve become really angry with him because of the hurt that he has caused me, mixed with the hurt that i have caused myself. but doing a search on “should i go to his birthday” brought me to your site[s] and i read the stuff about NEVER wishing him during NC. which is fine. i got invited to his birthday thing [paintballing which i hate – don’t think I’m going].

anyway the point of my comment here is i think i have come to a point where I’ve felt i absolute despise him, resentment, bitterness, anger, sadness, pain of the deepest, immobilising kind… n when i found THIS page, i realised I’ve already started the NC 2 days ago [and honestly i could go the whole 30 days with no sweat]. call me a bit cynical but i wanted to do it to rustle feathers. but the thing is i don’t really know what I’m supposed to do after 30 days… cos my heart doesn’t want to be involved with someone who will treat me the way he has [which i haven’t entirely explicitly said here], and I’m just not into having any relationship right now.

so i guess my question is more of ‘what do i do once the 30 days are done?’ – in terms of responding/interactions with him – as you said NC isn’t forever. should i just continue to use more time to heal n move on without him? since I’ve pretty much done the stuff in the “what to do during the 30 days of NC” before i found this out of my own realisations to better myself lol i feel exhausted even explaining this to you.

i read the “how to make him miss you after the break up” also. i guess i might be doing this to just cynically torture him hahah… sighs…. lol if it even has any affect… yeh i feel a bit of revenge happening lol i don’t know what you think of this post right now but I’m looking forward to your response lol haha
Erin

October 21, 2015 at 10:08 pm

Hi Chris,

I commented on a post before but I don’t think it posted. My ex broke up with me just one week ago. It was very sudden and out of nowhere. He worked very hard for my attention and was the perfect gentleman every time we were together. We shared a lot of laughs and always had a great time. We were official for a month, together for two, and already went on a road trip, and he took me to a family wedding. 4 days after the family wedding he came over and broke up with me. I was shocked. He told me he “didn’t feel a spark” and that was all I left him time for. I promptly asked him to leave.

He told me that if I wanted to talk about it later, we could. So I chose to call him the following day and all he told me was our personalities didn’t mesh, and he knew it wasn’t going anywhere. It all just seems so surprising to me because we were truly laughing all the time and always having fun. We are both career oriented hard working people, I was not clingy or needy. I am a pretty independent, self sufficient woman. The only thing I can really think of, is maybe things moved too fast for him? I’m far more separated from my ex than he is. I don’t know.

I haven’t spoken to him in 6 days and deleted him off all social media. He hasn’t reached out to me either. Do you really think this whole “no contact” thing will work… Him breaking up with me felt so bizarre and out of the blue. There were no indications that he wasn’t having a blast with me and he never shared any negative feelings with me. I wasn’t pushy nor did I pressure him into anything. I’m very lost and confused and I really miss him. I just want him to miss me too and give me another shot. I am 21 and he is 25 if that has any affect on things.

Erin

October 27, 2015 at 3:38 am

I’ve been waiting almost a week for a response… please answer /:
Chris Seiter

December 4, 2015 at 2:17 pm

Hi Erin can you repost your question, I don’t see it. It may have gotten lost in the comments (there’s about 1000 currently.) Just write “This is the repost you asked for” so I will know it’s you. Thanks.
Erin

October 22, 2015 at 2:38 am

I think he’s over her in the sense that he doesn’t want to be with her, but I don’t think he’s moved past issues that they’ve had. I haven’t been in a significant relationship in years. He got out of that relationship 6 months before we got together. I don’t know much about her (because truthfully, I never cared), but I do know she was incredibly needy, controlling, and that they fought often. When we were together, issues that they had would sometimes creep into our relationship. He always thought I would get mad at him over little things, he was constantly apologizing, and checking in with me all the time. I trusted him and I’m a busy person, I don’t need to know his whereabouts 24/7 and I’m certainly not the type to fight over insignificant things. It bothered me because I felt like he was afraid I was going to suddenly turn into her. I don’t like being compared to other women. I can stand on my own two feet.

Do you think that if he has this 30 day time of space, and I carefully pick up communication, he will be in a better place for a relationship? He really was so good to me up until the very last day and I know we had something special. It would make me so sad to think that this is really over forever.
Chris Seiter

October 22, 2015 at 12:26 am

Do you think he’s not over his ex yet?

Cam

October 21, 2015 at 12:24 am

Chris,

I have done the no contact I am on day 40 and I am hesitant about contacting my ex because I feel that I have not improved myself enough in the last month. What do i do since the 45 day mark is coming up?

Chris Seiter

October 22, 2015 at 1:43 am

What else would you like to do to improve yourself?

Dena

October 20, 2015 at 10:54 pm

Hi Chris, No, it’s not weird – some people are naturally night owls and others are early birds 🙂 Your natural inclination is perfect when you have a little one. Have I always been the initiator? In the beginning of our relationship, it was fairly even. However, I would say that I am a much more action-oriented person than him (actions speak louder than words, right?) and I would be organising times to talk and catch up – he would follow through, but I’d say 70% of the time, I would be the one making the suggestion. I stated very clearly that I need to see more effort from him and that I currently feel taken for granted. I am willing to allow some time and space for this to happen, but if nothing changes, I am prepared to walk away. I deserve better. Thanks again for your help. You’re a star!
Julie

October 20, 2015 at 2:44 pm

Hello Chris,

Your website and articles helped me a lot. My ex-boyfriend broke up with me because he said he was so stressed with our two year LDR relationship. He said he wanted to sort his self and figure out his life. It was really hard, I know. I tried to understand. But the ugly thing is I figured he is in a new relationship already like 4 days after the break-up. It was so bad. I will admit I became a GNAT. I tried to do the NC Rule for 30 days, I am on the 14th day now. Honestly, I dont want him back. But I break the NC Rule because he owes me some money and I needed it back. But this guy is just making it difficult. He blocks me and won’t reply. I am thinking to just let it go. Am I doing the right thing for own sake?

Thank you.

Yusa

October 29, 2015 at 2:01 am

My situation looks like yours (money pary).. The difference is my ex is, for what I know :’).., still single and he’s f##king stubborn. But he became angry with me and cut off the contact (ctrl F and read my story below if you want). I still have 2 weeks to go, but I also don’t know how to react and what to say.. I’m also in a dilemma, I want him back but on the other hand.. I don’t want to get hurt again or getting dissapointed. And it irritates me that he still owes me money and still didn’t gave a cent..

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1,167 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0)”