The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0) - Ex Boyfriend Recovery

1,166 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0)”

Noni

July 25, 2020 at 8:51 pm

2 year LDR with my unofficial boy (the entire 2 years he says he can’t commit due to distance as it’s too painful for him – he’s had a heartbreak LDR before). The 2 years we text and call every day morning to night – him initiating the entire thing. He freaked out 1 year in and told me his feelings had changed – came back within 3 weeks when using a broken NC rule (didn’t know about it at the time). We then were super in love (him saying I was his soulmate) until 2 months later he changed his mind again and said he couldn’t do the distance. Agreed to be best friends and immediately continued to talk for 5 months but I took his lead and finally he admitted his feelings, I was still his soulmate and he wanted to be with me one day when we were in the same place. We agreed I’d move in with him in September as I can work remotely and try it out. The week before we were going to see each other for the first time in 5 months (corona) he suddenly came out saying flying to see me would give me the wrong message and he didn’t feel the same way. Said he didn’t have feelings and didn’t have a response when I challenged him pulling me closer the past 5 months. Then blamed the distance for confusing his feelings and said his mind may change again in September, I said we were done and that was it. I cut contact and blocked and deleted everywhere. So technically I broke up but because he said he has no feelings. So not sure who counts as the dumper. But I’m 21 days NC and heard nothing and want him to come back and explain and tell me he panicked and we can try again. What should I expect in this scenario? Also I fear people can move on faster with LD as the physical distance is already there; so does my 21 days translate as something much bigger? Do I reach out, wait, or leave him for good?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

July 26, 2020 at 10:27 am

Hi Noni, we suggest a 30 day NC because you need that time apart. Once you have worked on your Holy Trinity and completed a full 30 days NC that is when you start to reach out to your ex using the information that Chris has provided in the texting articles

Cristina

June 16, 2020 at 3:26 pm

I’ve posted before about how I did a 34 day NC (But did talk to his/our mutual friends about him) and then he and I had a 5 hour FaceTime where we talked about a lot of things and was also emotional but his decision remained the same (and i worried that I only gave him more closure to help him move on).

Since then, I’ve restarted NC without talking to his friends about him, but by the time this NC ends, It will have been 66 days since the actual BU (and then j need to wait a few days to reach our, since it falls on the weekend!) So my question is… does the 66 days to break a habit also apply here, if we had that FaceTime in between? I’m so worried it will be too long by the time I can reach out!! (Especially with the weird interval we went through, 34 days nothing, huge emotional talk which or may not have helped him get over it, 30 days nothing?) Also, it might be helpful to know we’ve been temporary LDR for the last few months as well (total relationship = 4 yrs) I know to finish NC, and I will, I’m just hoping to either dispel these worries or better understand them/what I’m dealing with. Thank you!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

June 16, 2020 at 10:48 pm

Yes the fact you have been in touch between it does break the 66 day habit. That’s great work Cristina, keep going and I am here if you need advice!

Beth

May 12, 2020 at 2:39 pm

Does the NC rule work with a guy who is no-commital. I’ve been casually dating him for a year and he won’t commit. I would like to just cease contact with him and see if he lets me go or pursues me again and is maybe ready to commit.

But, if I just walk away and initiate NC, given we haven’t really had a break up, I’m not sure how that would play out or work.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

May 13, 2020 at 8:59 am

Hi Beth, yes you have to make it clear that you want a relationship – if he is not willing to do that then you walk away and go into NC and then you stay strong not replying to him for at least 30 days. Then you reach out starting the texting phase, but read and follow Chris’ advice about the texting style and learn about the value chain

Sha

May 4, 2020 at 5:30 am

Hey,
My ex and I, were together for 5 years. The past two years has been long distance – first year we made it work, but the past year has been more difficult because of his workload and my school. He was stressed out from work and I constantly complained about my school stress and took my anger out on him. However, we were fine, I came back home due to the pandemic and was looking forward to being in the same city to spend more time with him once everything cooled down. I felt like he was not giving me any attention so argument started so I asked if he wanted to break up without knowing how he actually felt. He admitted that his work was too demanding and that he can’t focus on a relationship right now. I did not expect him to say that. He said he needs space to focus on himself, and find out what he wants to do in life. He said that it hurt him knowing that he couldn’t be there for me when I needed him and wants to be able to do things without worrying about how i feel. I was truly heart broken, he also said that he loves and cares for me but feels like the feeling of being in love is gone. I know works been very stressful him, so i understand and want to be supportive to give him the space. Still, I don’t want to completely loose him as I am still in love with him and know that we can work it out. We’ve sent like messages back and forth to confirm if this was really happening for like 5 days and then I just completely stopped replying after he said he does not feel like he is in love with me anymore. We have a snapchat streak that is over 4 years long. He just sends black screens to keep the streak going, and i send one back. I want him back, and don’t want to break this streak because we’ve kept it on for so long, but it is also painful to see his snap pop up hoping it something more than a black screen. I started going on walks and reading books to keep my mind off him. Should I just completely go NC?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

May 12, 2020 at 12:48 pm

Hi Sha, I would suggest that you go into a longer NC so that you give your ex space and some time to work on yourself and your Holy Trinity during that time. Reach out with a text that Chris suggests after NC is over

Quinn

March 3, 2020 at 9:21 am

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 10 years, since we were teenagers. We lived together for 4 years, in 2017 we took a break and I moved states for school. We half stayed in touch and always had the goal of getting together again. I came home for a year in 2018 and we lived in separate houses but “dated” still. It’s 2020 and I just moved back to a different state for work, but we had agreed to try this long distance this time no breaks or half passing. Tonight he told me he needs time to think and isn’t sure if he wants to be single or not right now. That was such a blow to me because I am finally in a place of wanting to rebuild and trust and give it a real go. I took the first conversation gracefully but then was overcome by hurt and anger and called him to yell a little bit about his failure to Express things or communicate and asked him to come out and say it instead of hiding behind “needing to think” – this came off pretty chaotic and messy.
He said he didnt know and he was overwhelmed but wants to call me tomorrow to talk about it.

My question is do I take the phone call tomorrow to hear him out and break up coherently (again, I guess) or do I start NC now and hope he keeps interest instead of doubling down on not wanting to be with me?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 7, 2020 at 10:02 am

Hi Quinn, I would tell your ex that there is no need to speak as you understand that he wants the break up and you accept that. Then start your No Contact going forward

Piper Coolidge

January 17, 2020 at 6:38 pm

No contact is flipping amazing! Just finished 30 days solid nc, and I have accomplished so much in my own life because I stopped focusing on him when he clearly wasn’t ready to have the same type of relationship i was. He called and texted multiple times and it was hard not to respond but I like to think that I was giving him the gift of missing me, and giving myself the gift of recognizing my own needs, value and worth. On day 31 i invited him to like my new business on fb, and he did immediately. The next day, yesterday, he sent 6 texts, and I responded nicely, but kept it short. I feel like he appreciates me in a whole different light now, and what’s most important is that i am appreciating myself again. I really feel like it’s going to work out beautifully for him & i, and fast. But, only if it’s right for me, and it has to be on my terms meaning marriage ultimately. I’m not doing casual anything because that’s not gonna make me happy. If it doesn’t work our with him, then I feel very distinctively that it will be his loss. =) stay strong ladies, and above all, love yourself….. ♡

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

January 17, 2020 at 9:10 pm

This is awesome thanks Piper 🙂

Cindy

January 11, 2020 at 3:39 am

Hi EBR Team, my ex texted me after I went into 28 days of NC. He was sweet and kind, and apologized for being distant. The convo was light and funny. He suggested we meet up for a coffee or drink. I was so relieved to hear from him as I honestly didn’t think NC would work! But, haven’t heard from him again. It’s been 5 days. I don’t want to initiate contact as he was the one who ended the relationship. Should I go back into NC? Why isn’t he making more of an effort right now that the door is open??

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

January 11, 2020 at 4:50 am

Cindy, I would reconsider reaching out yourself if you want to get back with your ex. He has broken the ice for conversation so now all you have to do is follow the texting process to try to reach a point where you actually are getting a coffee together

Cat

January 7, 2020 at 10:29 am

Hey Chris,

I notice when you talk about NC you sometimes mention the word “ignore”. Does this mean that NC should be a spontaneous sort of thing. For instance, can you kick off NC with a disclaimer that you need them to step back and leave you alone/give you space so that you can move on? Or would you suggest just springing it on them so they are none the wiser why the contact has stopped?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

January 7, 2020 at 10:41 pm

Hey Cat, so what normally happens after a break up people either beg for their ex to come back for a few days and then come here, so we tell them to just STOP and not reach out, even if their ex asks if they are okay. As for ignoring, it is when your ex reaches out during your No Contact you need to ignore all attempts of conversation unless your ex says the words “I Want to get back together” everything else is met with silence. Ideally we do not want you tell your ex that you wont be in touch, we want you to just walk away. That will make them worried about why you are not chasing them anymore

Malva

December 12, 2019 at 12:09 am

Hi guys,

My ex boyfriend and I have been dating for the last 8 months and together for the last 3, but a few days ago he told me he doesn’t love me and needs to heal from previous relationships and can’t be in one to do that. But in every way he acts and talks it’s like he does love me. He’s been diagnosed with depression recently and is only acknowledging his problems now. He says I’m the best thing in his life and he doesn’t want to lose me, but I love him too much to just be friends so I walked away.

Am I wasting my time waiting for him to realise he loves me or is it a lost cause? And because of the situation would it be a 30 or 45 day NC?

Thank you guys

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

December 15, 2019 at 7:01 pm

Hey Malva, so you need to understand if he is working through depression he is not going to be sure what he wants in his life and it is going to take time for him to feel like he is ready to be with someone and for that relationship to be healthy too he needs to be in a better mental place. If you are going to attempt to get him back I would do 30 days no contact and make sure when you reach out you do so as a friend talking about something you know he is interested in and try to get him invested in talking to you again. Even though you want to be more than friends you need to follow the program which for the start of the texting phase all you are doing is trying ot get a conversation started where he starts to want to talk to you more each time.

Jess

November 30, 2019 at 2:38 am

Hi,

My boyfriend broke up with me with no clear indication why. I have had some life troubles, so that did effect our relationship. He said he felt he was on a rollercoaster. I wrote a note apologizing when he picked up his things(I wasn’t home) and we talked a few days later(I did initiate). He has liked my posts on Instagram, but sadly he is liking every girls again. Our no contact would end on Christmas Day….I’m not sure when I should message him?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

December 1, 2019 at 12:56 am

Hi Jess so you do not reach out on Christams day, I would wait until midweek between Christams and New Years, or after New Years all together.

Nana

November 18, 2019 at 4:54 pm

Hi Chris and Team,

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for slightly more than 5 years (2 years of army and 3 years of long distance). We were about 50 odd days to the end of long distance where he is due to return permanently next month and he asked to break up. One week before the break up, he actually paid for my ticket to fly over next month for a proper holiday together.

After he snapped and asked for break up, I fled over for the weekend and did a lot of begging and tried to address the issues. He however, said that he is very firm about things. I fled back after and tried to communicate with him for the following week but did not work. When we just broke up, he mentioned that he is very happy that he ended things and would mail my belongings back to me.

He has blocked me everywhere, except for calls and Telegram where we usually communicate at. We also have private group chats (for administrative and future housing plans purposes) which he did not leave yet.

I have purchased the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro package. So far I have adopted the NC rule on 1st Nov and accidentally called him on 7th.

Do I restart the NC rule on 7th? May I also know if I should continue the NC rule or give up and block him back? I feel pretty exhausted with the mixed signals and soft block situation. Hope to get your advice, thank you!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

November 23, 2019 at 12:47 pm

The phone call on the 7th did you speak with him? IF not then you can continue your NC from the first, but if you spoken then yes you restart. If you have purchased the Pro did you also purchase access to the Private Facebook Group? If so there is many many members there who can help you and support you, along with a strong moderator team who can advise you 24/7 if you have issues during the process.

Airi

November 1, 2019 at 4:30 pm

Hey Chris

I have a challenge. My guy left me after falling for another girl (no cheating, he said he didn’t even talk to her about his feelings yet but that she was an old friend) after only a couple months of dating me… I told him I’d like to try to be friends and we agreed we would talk again in January. But I told him he could text me after a month if he needed something and I wouldn’t be mad anymore. January 1st is exactly 66 days after our last interaction. I don’t want to break our agreement OR seem super desperate by texting right on January 1st. And we live in a huge city so I cant exactly bump into him.

I honestly think we had something really good and that he just made a rash decision when faced with a couple of challenges…he said he only had those feelings for a week or two before he decided to end it with me. But have I doomed myself here with these time agreements?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

November 2, 2019 at 9:41 pm

Hi Airi, so you could reach out to him as a friend if you havent spoken in about 30 days and make it look like you need advice on something to create a conversation with him so you can build on that

Sally

October 17, 2019 at 9:56 pm

During the no contact can I open up his message to me on Snapchat to see what he said ? But not text back / reply can I look at his post but not like it or anything

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 20, 2019 at 8:52 am

Try not to open snaps or anything that leaves a “read” notification during NC I know its tough.

Naf

August 28, 2019 at 7:11 pm

Hello
I was invited by a guy in another country after a year of texing from distance and stayed with his mum and he for 3days in his house.He told me he wants to know me more and we should be still just friends (no sex).
After coming back,i thanked him and he replied me after a month(on the day of my birthday )and then after a week i sent him a message since he didnt say to me happy birthday “How is it going? And i mentioned to him that i had a good time with my family on my birthday ” then after a week he said sorry that he forgot and he said happy belated b’day although it can be everyday birthday like “Alice in wonder land”then we started to texing 2days about foods and the second day when i asked him if he likes a kind of food.He doesnt reply me and it has been 3weeks that he saw my message but without reply.
I knew before that when we meet a guy in his country,it takes 1month for starting texing by him.But i dont know the rest of the rule of this game.Please tell me !
Talia

July 30, 2019 at 3:29 pm

Hi there! Need some help and feel little stuck. Boyfriend and I broke up about 2 weeks ago and we lived together. I moved to another state to be with him. I guess our arguments just got worst and worst and it became toxic. I cant stop thinking how sudden it feels when in the midst of everything he broke up with me. I left to be with friends and family to give us time and space but uncertain of what to do having to move the rest of my things out. I understand right now he is completely done. Ive sent an email apologizing for my part although i do not feel as its all my fault and he does and i decided to start the NC from there. Now other people are childishly getting involved on both of our ends causing a lot of frustration to now he has my blocked on almost everything over something out of my control. Now that I am blocked and should remain in NC what do as far as moving out rest of my things (or not worry about it until he reaches out a out it?) and starting somewhere new? It isnt as easy to just uproot my life to another state again while hoping we can save the relationship. Feeling some lost and guidance doing my best for NC but I have broke it before.
Amanda

July 16, 2019 at 3:56 am

I broke up with my boyfriend of one year about 3 weeks ago and started doing NC right away. We left with no fights, no hard feelings, love each other and want the best for each other, etc. We have incredible chemistry but the timing isn’t right. He was content to just talk on the phone for months–our conversations are always amazing but they ended up just being heartbreaking for me because he never made time to actually go out with me. Anyway, I broke up with him and told him I was going to do NC for a “long time” which means until he’s inspired to change… if ever. He agreed, but I really think he didn’t believe I would be able to do it. We go to the same church and I’ve been doing really well avoiding him. Anyway, my mom (who is 25 years older than us, but still beautiful in her 60s) also goes to our church. For the last 2 weeks, he and she have both gotten there before me and he approaches her and flirts with her! Tells her she’s stunning, carries on a conversation, etc. Of course she loves the flattery and thinks “he just can’t help talking to pretty ladies”. He does have a habit of flirting with older ladies, which never bothered me before. But my mom?! Really?! I wanted SO badly to text him and call him out on it today but I didn’t do it. Why does he think this is appropriate? Should I make an exception and ask him to leave her alone, or just ignore his ridiculousness?
Amber

July 16, 2019 at 3:47 am

I broke up with my boyfriend of one year about 3 weeks ago and started doing NC right away. We left with no fights, no hard feelings, love each other and want the best for each other, etc. We have incredible chemistry but the timing isn’t right. He was content to just talk on the phone–our conversations are always amazing but they ended up being heartbreaking for me because he never made time to actually go out with me. He owns his own company and puts a lot of demands on himself. So I broke up with him and told him I was going to do NC for “a long time” which pretty means until things will be different… if ever. He agreed, but I really think he didn’t believe I would be able to do it. We go to the same church and I have been doing really well avoiding him. Anyway, my mom (who is beautiful for being 62 and often gets hit on by guys closer to her age) also goes to our church. For the last 2 weeks, he and she have both gotten there before me and he approaches her and flirts with her! Tells her she looks beautiful, carries on a conversation, etc. Of course she loves the flattery and thinks “he just can’t help talking to pretty ladies”. He does have a habit of flirting with older ladies, which never bothered me before and I have never been a jealous person. But my mom?! Really?! I wanted SO badly to text him and call him out on it today but I didn’t do it. Should I not think anything of it? Why does he think such a thing is appropriate?
Amber Gabel

July 4, 2019 at 12:21 am

Hi Chris
My boyfriend of 2 years is a pilot for a private jet company. He flies all the time and he’s in school for his bachelors. We’re both 20-21, it’s been hard getting to have down time and being with one another since his schedule is sporadic and his on call all day every day. He called me saying he wanted to be alone. He needed time to focus on work and school. For whatever reason he couldn’t do that whilst dating me. He said to give him some time for him to do what he needs to do before he decides where we’re at…
I haven’t talked to him for 3 days, and implementing the 30 day NC. We used to talk about our future together and loved sharing about our day. We both travel a lot, I’ve been posting stuff on my social media every now of my trips I’ve been on and he almost always sees them within the first 30 mins of posting. Is that a good sign that he’s still interested in me?
Do I reach out to him after the 30 days?

Chris Seiter

July 4, 2019 at 3:05 pm

HI Amber….that is what my Program calls for…reaching out after the NC period. I discuss that at length in my Program – EBR Pro Bundle. It is a good sign he is paying attention to your Social Media

Kathy

July 3, 2019 at 5:31 am

Hi, I really need some help…
My ex and I dated for 3 months, we always got into small arguments and it were usually me nagging him about how I wanted him to put more effort and time for us but another side of me understood that he is also very busy with his family and other responsibilities. We argued nearly every week until one day he told me he lost feelings and he sees no future between us as if we keep continue, things will get worse… I really want him back as I know it is my fault and I am willing to try to change my insecurity. However, he was really determined with his decision, doesn’t matter how much I convinced him…
karen

June 14, 2019 at 2:13 pm

hi chris, love your podcast, i have binged it all week, and completely understand/agree with the NC rule. one question, what if your ex does not contact during the NC 30/45 days? is it ok to reach out to them after the initial 30/45 days? and if so, what do you say?even if they do contact you during NC, and you dont respond, until the NC is over, what should your first text to them be?

Chris Seiter

June 14, 2019 at 3:37 pm

Yep Karen…that is what I teach. There is a method I advocate in how to do it. I would advise you to pick up my comprehensive Program – EBR Pro Bundle – to get up to speed on the whole ex recovery process

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1,166 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0)”