The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0) - Ex Boyfriend Recovery

1,165 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0)”

Amelia

October 2, 2015 at 1:00 pm

Hey Chris.
So my story is so ridiculous that you couldn’t make it up.

I knew my ex boyfriend for about two years but as friends. I’m 26 and he is 30. I was in a serious relationship but I always knew he liked me as he would tell me so or try to start a conversation that linked in with finding out if I was single yet.

So when I finally became single, eventually after him asking me a million times, I agreed to go on date with him. He pursued me for 6 months with no sex just proper dates and I was always busy and made a point to keep my independence. I didn’t even let him into my home as I wanted him to respect me etc. He’s a good looking guy and a cage fighter so he gets inundated with girls all flocking to him so I made a point to be different. No offence to blondes but all his ex girlfriends looked like Barbie and were typical bimbo types whilst I on the other hand am a brunette, intelligent and more Jane Austin than Pamela Anderson I guess. I don’t mean to sound big headed but im quite an attractive girl myself as I take care of myself by going to the gym and shopping and making an effort but I go for the whole naturally pretty look and I get a lot of attention without trying.

He expressed that he had wanted to meet a girl like me for a long time and during the 6 months he would constantly ask me to be his girlfriend and ask me to spend more time with him and call him more and text him more. Obviously I’m a busy young women and I like to do my own thing and have my own life but I tried (probably not as hard as I should) to make time for him.
when we were together it was magic. They say opposites attract and I was determined to make him fall for me as I was always worried id be another notch on the bed post.

eventually after loads of proper dating I said yes to being his girlfriend and not too long after I slept with him for the first time. So far so good but I started a new job and became very busy and I also made maybe a bit too much time for my girlfriends and not him (I just didn’t want to be that girl who loses her friends when she gets a man)
He had a fight coming up and was training a lot so most of the time I was free he was busy with training. No big deal I thought at first and happily gave him his space.

I’ve never really been into contacting him 24/7 and made a point to appear offline or not available on things like Facebook or whatsapp. He would always give me a hard time about this and say “I want a girlfriend who texts me more and rings me more” which I ignored and put it down to the fact he’s just used to silly girls calling him and getting attention and im more of a loveable person in the flesh. However I did tell him lots that I loved him and I would try at times to be more loving and praise him through texts and calls but I found that when I would call him he would purposely ignore me and on his facebook.

I often thought when he post attention seeking pictures or videos of himself to get girls to comment to make me jealous… on one occasion it worked and I figured out he was doing this to see how id react thus proving to him that I loved him. Sounds very pathetic and childish I know.

the one occasion was a blonde bimbo type of girl who happened to be a pole dancer. Id noticed her before on a status he had posted and noticed he had like a picture of her (wrapped round a pole) but let it go and didn’t react.
Then after a busy weekend when I couldn’t see him he changed his profile pick to a picture I had said previously that I liked as he looked happy on it, It was just before his fight and he was all excited etc. I noticed how this girl amongst a million others
who I now refer to as “Bendy Barbie” put a load of love hearts. out of curiosity I looked on her profile and I noticed how he had been commenting on her posts putting some very flirty things. I was angry because I had been genuinely trying to show I cared more and then faced with this crap I furiously rang him a dozen times and left a very cross voicemail. He ignored me all day and then simply said ” I was just messing about hahaha” which only made me angrier. I said a bunch of horrible things and told him I never wanted to see him again.

In the whole time frame of dating this guy he had always come to me. H had always cracked first and chased me but for over a week I didn’t hear a thing and was worried I had over reacted and possibly pushed him away. I had time to think how I had probably made him feel like I didn’t want/need him. I got in touch with him via text and I apologised for the things I said and also how if we wanted to work it out I would put more effort into the relationship i.e. make more time for him and I told him I loved him. I genuinely meant it.

His response was very generic and I expected as much. he said “Ok…I would never hurt you”
I gave him time to cool off and process my words. I contacted him again adopting an easy breezy attitude and asked if he fancied getting together in the week and go for food. this was my way of coaxing him out and then on the actual meet I would try talking things through. He agreed but didn’t sound too excited. after an awkward conversation lacking in any enthusiasm from him we agreed on Sunday. I left it at that as I didn’t want to rock the boat and half expected him to text me in the meantime. When he didn’t I was mildly shocked. I got the feeling that maybe it was too late and he had given up on me.

Sunday came and I got ready for my reconciliation date regardless of his lack of contact. I knew it could go two ways. He’d either cancel last min or not turn up at all. He didn’t turn up at all. Not even a measly text. I refused to react and send him abuse. I was gutted but thankfully my big sister suggested The No contact rule” I read up on it and decided that instead of making a fool out of myself with emotional texts and angry voicemails I would just start the no contact rule.

I started to do everything the rules say your meant to and found it relatively easy and fun. However out of curiosity in week one I typed in his name on Facebook search. He had blocked me I discovered. I was shocked but followed my instincts and searched for “Bendy Barbie” …I found out that the weekend he was meant to see me he was with her as she had posted pictures of them together looking very coupley. In a way I felt relieved that my gut instincts were right and I knew
there must of been something going on between them so that made my angry voicemail and over reaction justified. So at least im not crazy or paranoid.

Again I didn’t react and simply blocked the girl. I would just carry on with my 30 day no contact and keep a dignified silence. I accepted the fact that he had possibly moved on and the best thing for me to do was move on too. My friends all said I would no doubt get a text of him sooner or later but I wouldn’t reply obviously. So after about two weeks since he stood me up I was surprised to get a text.

it said “.”
just a full stop. I figured this was a ploy to get me to text him and for him to gage whether I knew about “Bendy Barbie” and also he could put it down to an accidental text on his part. Obviously I’m not stupid and I didn’t reply.
the next day I got two more texts…the first saying “I knew you would let me down” and the second saying “your bad news”
again didn’t reply.

a few days later I noticed how he had unblocked me from facebook. I had prepared for this and made sure everything on my profile was perfect. New gorgeous classy pictures of nights out with friends and nothing at all showing im actually gutted.
clearly I figured that he was confused how I hadn’t responded and unblocked me to see what im up to being the egotistical
maniac he is he cant understand why for the first time in his life a woman is not chasing him.

So that brings us to the here and now. I have three days left of my no contact and I don’t intend to break it. What I do need to know is what do I do after no contact ends. personally I don’t think I should even think about responding unless I get a much nicer text as I want him to realise that being mean isn’t going to get him any attention.
Also he doesn’t know that I know about the fact he’s been seeing bendy Barbie during this time (and possibly behind my back)

Any advice or tactics would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you
Kristen Dopieralski

October 1, 2015 at 2:51 am

Hi Chris,

I really appreciate this site and ex boyfriend recovery PRO.

My boyfriend and I broke up a little over a month ago. Since that time I have tried no contact on and off. I kept failing each time he would send me positive messages about hanging out. We have hung out a couple of times. Both times we saw each other, it was great. We had a great time together. He would tell me all the things I wanted to hear and it sounded like he was a step away from recommitting to me. He was treating me like his girlfriend again. “I’ve missed you” “I’m so glad I have you in my life” “I’ve missed our silliness together” etc. The last time we hung out was a few days ago, and he made suggestions for seeing each other this week. But, I did make the mistake of sleeping with him that night. After we parted ways that day, I haven’t heard from him, and he hasn’t replied to the last message I sent him about our date this week. I know I screwed up with the sex part. Is it too late to try no contact again? How do I get him to speak to me again? I feel like I’m not in a position of value to him right now. Thank you!

Kristen

October 2, 2015 at 8:31 pm

Thank you, Chris. Sorry, for the constant questions…but it just got more complicated. He apologized for blowing me off today. Should I stop NC, accept his apology, and go back to no contact? Or should I just ignore his message and text him after no contact is over?

In one of your articles you talk about him going into no contact with a positive mindset. You said you should think about sending a classy text if you guys left things on bad terms. Should I send a classy text accepting his apology?

Thank you so much for all the help!
Kristen

October 1, 2015 at 9:23 pm

Thanks for the reply, Chris. Should I continue no contact and go from there? Or is no contact ineffective at this point?
Chris Seiter

October 2, 2015 at 4:17 pm

I would continue.
Chris Seiter

October 1, 2015 at 5:45 pm

Thanks Kristen.

I think you shouldn’t have slept with him.

I am getting an idea… Maybe I should write an article about how to get him back if you have slept with an ex.

Amanda

September 28, 2015 at 9:23 pm

Hi, Chris! My ex-boyfriend and I were together for almost 3 years before I moved to another country. We’ve been in LDR for 8 months now. We just broke up a week and a half ago. We broke up because of general reasons – distance. During our first discussion about the issue, he said we needed to talk when we see each other again and we should just keep the relationship and stay together until we see each other and be able to talk in person. He clarified that we are still together and he was sweet too. So I started being sweet to him and all reminding him how much I love him. But as days pass by, he started becoming cold and more distant. I think because for the past 5 days, I was the one who’s trying so hard to win him over and make everything okay. Suddenly, on the 5th day, he changed his Facebook status and finally told me we need to end this. He doesn’t want a relationship anymore because his priority is career and his family. I was so confused because 5 days ago he said he didn’t want to end things and we should just discuss and talk when we see each other. Then I was trying so hard within those days and he suddenly officially broke it off with me. I was confused and hurt but I don’t want to force him into anything. So after that day, I started NC – that was 3 days ago.

However, I am already scheduled to take a 4-week vacation on November. My 30-day NC will end a week before I get there. He knows I will go there on November. So I don’t understand why he chose to broke up with me when he knows I am coming to see him soon anyway. I don’t know if it’s okay to ask him to meet me when I get there because I know I have to take things slow and start building rapport and not force it. However, I feel like I will run out of time and won’t be able to talk things with him and maybe ask him to come back to me while I am still there.

– NC ends a week before my flight to see him
– Vacation is just 4 weeks

I am afraid I might run out of time. I want to be able to spend time with him while I am there too but our time is very limited. These past couple of days, he was so busy changing his life and moving on – changed his profile pic in Facebook, removed all our pictures, and post stuff like he’s happy and busy and doesn’t even think about me. I honestly don’t get it why he’s doing this while he knows I’m about to see him very soon. Why couldn’t he just wait for me to come home so we can talk about things. He chose to break up before I get there! Does this mean he doesn’t want to see me when I get back so he chose to break it off before I even go there? He has never broken things off with me since we started going out, he was always the one who is positive about the whole relationship. So I am losing hope now that he finally called it quits and maybe that’s it for us and he’s really done and fed up.

Hope you reply. Thanks a lot.

Amanda

October 19, 2015 at 9:47 pm

He first messaged me on Day 18, I mean. Not Day 19. LOL
Amanda

October 19, 2015 at 9:44 pm

Hi Chris! First of, I wanna say thanks because everything you said about No Contact Rule and the first contact text is just awesome! It worked! It is exactly what happened – just exactly what you wrote in your articles! I was worried my ex won’t contact me during No Contact period since he’s the one who broke up with me saying he doesn’t want a relationship anymore. I was devastated but I came upon your website and to be honest, I come here everyday especially during the first days of NC because your articles provide me comfort. I did NC, determined to focus on myself and every time I remember him and see his pictures partying with friends and some girls on Facebook, I would tell myself “I DO NOT CARE” over and over again. I kept myself busy. I went out by myself, with friends, and with family. I started to become happy with myself and I must admit, it brought back the confidence I had in me that I realized I kinda lost during the last few months in the relationship. I feel like myself again before I met my ex and I wanna thank you because you reminded me that it is important to live for myself and have my mojo back. It is true. You have to love yourself and be happy with yourself before you can start worrying if others can love you back. I am honestly happy on my own now.

Then on Day 19 of NC, my ex messaged me asking when do I plan to get my stuff back. I didn’t expect him to message me at all. Some of my things are with him and since I moved to a different country, I am scheduled to visit him 10 days from now. But since he broke up with me, I changed all my plans. I cannot cancel my flight but I have friends there too (it’s my home country) so I decided to meet up with them instead and spend my vacation days with them. He messaged me about my stuff, of course I ignored him. Just like in your article, he did the exact same thing you predicted he would. He messaged me the next day in Facebook asking if I got his text message. I ignored him. He messaged me again the next day asking why am I ignoring him. He’s upset now – that’s Day 20 of NC. I still ignored him. I am focused to complete at least 21 days of NC. I was too close, I don’t wanna fail at it. He went as far as posting pictures of him with another girl and make sure I see it (he deleted the pictures after I go offline), and he even hacked my Facebook and Instagram accounts (I get email notifications when someone logs in and it includes the IP Address for FB). I know he knows that I will find out and he was expecting to get a reaction from him. But I am headstrong and focused to complete NC. I know at this point that he just really wants to talk to me. On Day 23, I decided to send the first contact text because he was quiet for 2 days (didn’t do anything stupid like hacking my account or posting pictures) so I decided it’s time. And guess what? Just like what you said, he was so happy to hear from me, he forgot he was mad at me for ignoring him. My first contact text was, “OH MY GOD. I cannot believe with what happened!” He replied within 10 minutes, I waited for 45 minutes before I replied. He replied very positively and even joked that maybe it happened because I missed him. I ignored that and said I needed to go. He even replied and said take care. He totally forgot he was mad at me.

The second day was today, I sent another first contact type of text. I used the “I have a confession to make” text and he was so curious he even tried calling me. But I didn’t pick it up. I don’t think I’m ready to talk to him on the phone too. He was sending me 3-4 messages asking me what it is about but I waited for 30 minutes before I replied. He replied positively about it again at first but he became emotional and said he misses me and is about to cry. So I tried to end the conversation. But he asked me if we can meet up when I get there. I said I think we can since I need to get my stuff back too. I’ll let him know next time because I have a tight schedule since I’m meeting up with friends when I get there. And he got really upset. He was mad and said he doesn’t need to adjust to my schedule and that I should be the one to adjust to his availability. He started text gnatting me! I limited my reply and I told him, “Ok. We’ll figure it out. I know you’re busy, I’m busy too. But since you wanna have dinner, we can compromise.” And he was really mad! He was bombarding me with messages. I told him this doesn’t have to be an issue and I need to go and said bye. He sent me like 4-5 more messages saying I am so annoying, etc. I didn’t reply anymore. I was expecting it to be just like a quick short chat too just like yesterday. Instead, he went on beast mode with me.

I don’t understand what happened, Chris. Did I do anything wrong? He is still very emotional, which I didn’t expect at all. I am planning to go back to NC for a week. I still want to be able to meet up with him and catch up but not if he’s mad at me. Do you think I should go back to NC?

Thanks a lot for this, Chris. You don’t know how much you’ve helped me get my mojo back. The most important thing NC did to me was to help me find myself again and be a better version of myself. I don’t know what will happen to me and my ex, Chris. I don’t know if we will get back together or not. But I think the best part of this journey is, I found my way back to myself again. Thanks so much for everything, Chris. Amazing how you can help people and comfort them in their loneliest days even without meeting them in person.
Amanda

October 9, 2015 at 10:49 pm

Hi, Chris. I forgot to ask you if you recommend the 21-day NC instead of the 30 days since you mentioned to shorten the NC? However, I honestly feel that 21 days is ending too soon (I actually only have a week left until Day 21) and I am not ready yet to reconnect. Can I have the NC between 25-28 days instead? Or there are studies that support only 21 / 30 / 45 days NC are effective and nothing in between those digits? Thanks so much for this!
Amanda

October 2, 2015 at 4:37 am

Hi, Chris. Thanks for the reply. When we broke up, I stayed quiet in social media for a couple of days. I was so sad so I just disappeared in social media, but we are still friends in Facebook. When I was quiet in FB, he was quiet too. Then the other day, I got tired of being sad already and decided to go out there and feel alive. This was 5th day of NC. So I changed my profile picture (I was smiling and tried to look pretty lol). After that, he started posting stuff that pertains to our breakup like “to find someone blah blah”. But I ignored it. Then yesterday he posted a picture of him and a girl. I still ignored it and shared an article about computers instead. Then after a while, he deleted the picture. I don’t know what’s going on his mind but it looks like he’s pushing my buttons cause he definitely knows the picture with a girl will get me mad. He hasn’t contacted me even once since we broke up, today is 7th day of NC. But I noticed he’s so busy showing the world how happy he is that he got rid of me. Why is he being a jerk? If I remember correctly, he was the one who broke up with me but he acts like he’s the one who’s so hurt and I was the one who wronged him.
Chris Seiter

October 1, 2015 at 6:06 pm

I would shorten your NC period.

Fast track it a bit since you are in such a strange situation BUT know that doing so will decrease your chances.

Amanda

September 28, 2015 at 7:07 pm

Hi, Chris! My boyfriend for 3 years before I moved to another country. We have been in LDR for 8 months now. We just broke up a week and a half ago but the first 5days after the break up, I tried to beg for him to come back. We broke up because of general reasons – distance. At first he said we needed to talk when we see each other again and we should keep the relationship until that day. I started being sweet to him and all reminding him how much I love him. But as days pass by, he started becoming more distant. On the 5th day after our “break up”, he changed his Facebook status and finally told me we need to end this. He doesn’t want a relationship anymore because his priority is career and his family. So after that day, I started NC – that was 3 days ago.

However, I am already scheduled to take a 4-week vacation on November. My 30-day NC will end a week before I get there. He knows I will go there on November. So I don’t understand why he chose to broke up with me when he knows I am coming to see him soon anyway. I don’t know if it’s okay to ask him to meet me when I get there because I know I have to take things slow and start building rapport and now force it. However, I feel like I will run out of time and won’t be able to talk things with him and maybe ask him to come back to me while I am still there.

– NC ends a week before my flight to see him
– Vacation is just 4 weeks

I am afraid I might run out of time. I want to be able to spend time with him while I am there too but our time is very limited. These past couple of days, he was so busy changing his life and moving on – changed his profile pic in Facebook, removed all our pictures, and post stuff like he’s happy and busy and doesn’t even think about me. I honestly don’t get it why he’s doing this while he knows I’m about to see him very soon. Why couldn’t he just wait for me to come home so we can talk about things. He chose to break up before I get there! Does this mean he doesn’t want to see me when I get back so he chose to break it off before I even go there? Hope you reply. Thanks a lot.
Anon

September 28, 2015 at 12:27 pm

I’ve been on and off with my boyfriend for more than 2 years now. We last broke up in early May and I did NC for Abt 6 weeks and we started talking again. This time is different, he tried to keep a distant, although I know he want to remain as friend because he still misses me. After talking as friends for about 2 months, I left. I told him we shouldn’t talk anymore if we want to get over each other and he agreed. It’s been another month of NC and now I miss him and want him back. What should I do ?

Anon

September 28, 2015 at 2:34 pm

Ex*

Kayla

September 27, 2015 at 5:15 pm

I’m starting NC today with my ex who broke up with me almost three weeks ago. I will admit I indeed have broken almost every rule. And became a gnat.

He ended things saying he needs space and doesn’t want to do this anymore or ever again. We blended our families he has two kids and I have one. It’s more difficult with the kids involved. But this is a person I really want to be with and genuinely care for beyond beliefs.

I’m worried that NC isn’t going to work, I doubt he will even send me a message or bat an eye that I am no longer speaking to him.
Megan

September 27, 2015 at 6:04 am

I did my first conact text message and got a positive response, for which I’m glad. However, we delved into a slightly deeper conversation and I realized that jealousy tactics don’t work on him. He’s talking to me like a friend, and even when he asked about guys I went on dates with and met while out, he doesn’t seem bothered and seems like he’s HAPPY for me that I’m seeing other people. He recently started seeing a girl two weeks ago and he says he likes spending time with her, but he doesn’t want a relationship right now and neither does she. It feels like it’s going really fast, as he said that they’ve spent time at each other’s places and hung out, but it seemed really casual.

How can I turn around his “talking to me like a friend” attitude?

Chris Seiter

October 1, 2015 at 6:16 pm

You should really check out the texting bible!

Umm… tell me, how quick did you advance to the jealousy tacitc?

Sarah

September 26, 2015 at 7:25 pm

Hi Chris,

I think I’m too late for your NC rule and was wondering what you thought. I’m Sarah, 33. My ex is Lee 32. We were together 4.5 years and did break up one or two times before, but only for about a week each time.

We are very different people with different interest and hobbies but we got on so well. He was my best friend but due to our differences we did argue often.

My problem, and I only realise this now, is I’m not tolerant of others. I would moan at him for not wearing a shirt to a restaurant, having different music tastes, not voting the same political party, and generally just compare him to other men, for example. I would never praise him for his qualities, of which there are plenty. In essence I alienated him from me. He feels I will always resent him for his flaws because he cannot be this perfect man I want. Now I realise he is my perfect man and I have blown it. I should have accepted the rough with the smooth, because he has so many great qualities and I need to stop wanting perfection.

I fear, however, I am too late to do the NC rule and will never get to show him how different things could be in the future.

June 28th – Lee broke up with me. I give him space for a week. This usually happens and we usually get back together.

July 5th – He says it’s really over this time. I break down and go into panic. I begin begging him. Solidly over text messages for three days, and I write him a letter.

July 8th – I decide to go silent. I tell him to forget it and forget me. I last 17 days and break down and contact him.

July 25th – I beg him again over texts. I ask him to meet me the following day. He does.

July 26th – We meet. Almost a month since we split. He says he still loves me but doesn’t see a way we can fix things. We talk for three hours and he says he needs time to think. We exchange belongings and I hug him and leave. 30mins later he texts to say it that was tough and he doesn’t want to say goodbye forever and can we be friends. I tell him no I couldn’t bear it and go silent for another week.

August 3rd – My birthday is two days away and I start feeling anxious. So I contact him and spend all day trying to persuade him. We exchange texts all day with him saying no he has made up his mind, but then he surprises me and says that after my holiday to LA in September we can go on a date, but right now he needs his space. Immediately, I feel better and happier and I back off. I decide to let him have his space.

August 5th – He texts to wish me a happy birthday. I reply with a simple, thank you.

August 16th – I said him a text saying I miss him. He ignores it.

August 30th – He contacts me! Oh my god he has made initial contact for the first time in TWO months. We text for a couple of hours. About life and nothing to do with the relationship. He’s just moved into a house with two friends (I am gutted by this but don’t show it). He asks me sheepishly “do you still want to meet up for a date? I would like to”. I say yes and that I’m looking forward to it.

He starts liking my photos on Instagram.

September 1st – He contacts me again and we exchange a few texts. He is telling me about his house and asking me advice about his tenancy agreement. I help him.

September 4th – He initiates contact again and texts me to tell me he’s finished the 1000-word novel that he started before the summer. We exchange a bit of communication. I’m feeling ok because I know the date is coming up in a few weeks. He says “don’t be a stranger.”

September 6th – My friend tells me she saw him chatting a girl up in a bar the night before. So I text him and ask him if he’s dating. And basically anger him. He says this is ridiculous and I shouldn’t be asking him this stuff. I apologise and tell him I shouldn’t have listened to my friend because it’s all hearsay. He said he was chatting to a girl but nothing happened with her. I believe him, but fear I have pissed him off and pushed him away but accusing him of dating/sleeping with someone.

September 11th – I fly to LA. I don’t plan on texting him before I take off but right as I get on the plane he texts me. We talk about my trip, and again about the date and say that I’ll see him when I get back. I tell him I love him and think about him every day. I immediately apologise for saying that, but he says he understands my emotions are running high. (I am getting on a plane and am a nervous flyer so tell people I love him in case I crash and die.) I text him 8 hours later to tell him I have landed he ignores me.

He likes a few of my Instagram pics of me in LA.

September 17th – I get back from LA. He doesn’t contact me. I wait.

September 18th – I contact him to tell him I’m back. He ignores me.

September 19th – I start going into panic mode and ask him why he’s ignoring me and what I’ve done. He eventually sends me a blunt text to say: “Hi. Sorry I’ve not replied. Glad you had fun in LA. Looks like you had a great time” Instantly I feel something is wrong. I can tell his feelings have changed, his message is so curt. I ask him to call me so we can talk. He does.

We speak on the phone about my trip for about 30 minutes, ignoring the elephant in the room. I then come out and ask him about the date. He says he would still like to meet up but only as friends now. He’s decided he wants to remain single and doesn’t want a relationship. I go into panic mode and spend the next 30 minutes trying to persuade him to give me another chance. Telling him I’m different now and that I have learnt from my mistakes and that I want to try. I say that I’m owed the date he promised. Etc etc. You get the idea! He says he’s confused and messed up and needs to think. He cuts the call saying “Sarah, I need to think. Bye.” and hangs up. I send him a few texts saying I really hope he changes his mind etc. I tell him I bought him a gift in LA and would like to still give him it. He ignores my texts. I don’t sleep at all that night.

September 20th – The next day I want to see him so I send him loads of texts. He replies but says he won’t meet me. He says he is too tired and hungover as went out the night before and hadn’t been to bed yet. He says he doesn’t see how we can fix things and that we are too damaged. We exchange texts for about an hour and he says he doesn’t have faith in us anymore and that we are too broken. I ask him again if he’s met someone, and he says he hasn’t. He says he just wants to be single now.

September 21st – I spend the next day begging again and trying to convince him to try again.

September 24th – Three days later, I text all afternoon again persuading him and he says the same rejection to me over and over. I am trying to persuade him and convince him. He says we are too different and we need to find people who are more like us and that I will always resent him for the things I don’t think he is good enough for. He won’t speak to me on the phone. He won’t meet me. He says this has been the hardest decision of his life but he has to move on and so do I. He says he cannot see a way if fixing it. He says I will always resent him for the same things I did before, that we are too different, that I will never forgive him for how he’s treated me the last three months. He says he will always regret leading me on and asking me on a date. He says he shouldn’t have promised the date. I basically turned into a psycho on this day, Chris, and sent him loads of photos of us together and wrote epic long texts. He ignores most of it. His last words were “Just stop. You’re hurting yourself and you’re hurting me”. So I did stop. Only an hour later, when I knew he’d be in bed asleep, I rang and left a goodbye voice message. Saying I was sorry for acting desperate and for texting him so much that day. That I was devastated, will always love him and hope that one day we can find a way to be friends. And that I wish him every happiness in the world and that he meets someone special. I finish the voice message with a simple Goodbye Lee.

September 26th – Is today. I went all day yesterday without contact.

I’ve gone one whole day, though I feel like I’m back to how I felt when he first ended it. I feel like the promise of a date allowed him the time he needed to move on. It placated me and stopped me begging him for two months. What hurts is that on the lead up to my trip to LA he initiated contacted every time we talked. I was lead to believe we had a future. I think the conversation I had with him the weekend before I went to LA, asking him about whether he’d met someone pissed him off so much that he changed his mind about me. It is then that I think ruined my chances. I was accosting him and should have been minding my own business. It looked like I was spying because my friend had fed back to me that she saw him with someone.

Now I don’t know, three months down the line, if doing your NC plan will help, and if it will how many days should I do it? 90?

I am cutting contact as I would like to win him back. I know we had such a good relationship and he knows it too, but it was not good in the last year. I was stressed about my job and our living situation. 10 months before we split we had been forced to move out of our house. The landlord wanted to live in it himself. So we had to move out and went back to our individual families. It was meant to be only temporary as we were going to buy a house, but I ended up getting a contracting job for a year which meant no bank would lend us any money. So we said we would hang on for the year until I got a permanent job. My job also meant I was working late and long hours so we didn’t see each other much due to living separately. The sex diminished and we became unattached to each other. The connection left us. We drifted and then he dumped me.

I still think we have a future, I can just feel it in my bones that he is the one for me and that we should be together, I just want to be given the chance to show him how different how relationship could be. My plan now is to concentrate on me. Buy the house in the area we were planning to. I hope I will be in a house by January. Hopefully this will show I am committed.

He can have his fun in his single bachelor house for now, going out every weekend. Which is essentially what he has chosen. He says a relationship would not work whilst he lives in this house with his two friends. I just think he wants to be a bachelor and enjoy going out. The novelty will wear thin and then off completely. I want to be a better version of myself so I am ready for that.

Is your NC rule going to help? Or should I just totally forget him now and move on and find someone else?

Thanks for your help.
Sarah
kaye

September 25, 2015 at 10:25 am

Hey chris,
Just when everything was going perfect with me & my partner of 3 years we had a big fight & he broke up with me. I offered to work it out out he said he’d have to think about it, then I said “well I have to think about it too so can we not talk for a few days” (i lied, but I wasn’t going to be like “hey, I’m not gonna talk to you for a few weeks!”) now I’m thinking is a few weeks too long to let him think about it or am I doing the right thing? he was the one initiating conversation until I asked for space …
Marianne

September 25, 2015 at 7:33 am

Hi Chris!
I love to the NCR. My ex-boyfriend left me last 2012. After three years of not seeing each other, we suddenly found each other’s account on Facebook. We chatted and everything went well. Later on, we got too close for comfort and started being together again. He said he’d love to start all over again, but he wants a stronger friendship first. Last week his son by another woman got very sick and he lost all contact with me. I felt devastated and told him I cant handle the fact that he keeps ignoring me whenever his son gets sick. He asked me to understand him and my friends were also helping us get together.
We agreed to stay friends, but still I am very disappointed. He hasn’t spoken to me since I know he is very busy with his sick son. I feel so left out. A text or call wouldn’t hurt, but he keeps on ignoring me.
I want a big change and I plan to do the NCR. I know there are no sure answers, but I just want to breathe. Is it too late to the NCR when he has his own problems to deal with? I hope to survive the whole process, Chris. Help me on this one. Thanks!
Confused

September 25, 2015 at 6:12 am

Hi Chris, So I’m pretty frustrated.. I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year and a half, I was gone for a few months during that time for a volunteer opportunity so we kept contact through emails and Skype and he flew all the way to South America for a week just to see me!! When I’m back, we continue to go out and see each other and it was pure bliss, on our one year mark he told me he loved me and that I was the first person he ever felt that way about and how for him I was his first real relationship and how I was his best friend.I met his family and friends and everyone would tell him how happy he looked with me. During the last two months of our relationship I started getting depressed and had some issues to deal with, I know I wasn’t the easiest person to be around but I never once stopped loving him or respecting him or doing anything I could to show him I cared and supported him and his family. I admit to my faults and shortcomings but I know overall I was a really good girlfriend. Even during this time he would tell me how he had never thought about marriage or kids until he met me, and how he saw a future with me and how much of a blessing I was to him and how he would be there for me through thick and thin. It wasn’t until his birthday where I noticed things started going downhill, on his 27th birthday he just got depressed and started mentioning even more how he’s not doing enough with his life and he desperately wants to leave his job. I told him I would support him in any way I can. Eventually, his anger problems just got worse, having insane temper tantrums over little things and accusing me of not helping him enough. We had a discussion the week before the breakup about where he saw me in his future because I felt like I wasn’t really a part of it anymore. He then told me how he said he wasn’t sure about marriage and kids and all these things anymore and if that’s what he really wants. After this discussion, he started getting more clingy to me, wanting more time , telling me how much he enjoyed my company and how hes so lucky to have me. Then just 2 days later broke it off, saying “maybe the grass is greener on the other side, I need someone who can be a better support to me” I gave him all the examples how I tried my best to be there for him he then told me I was right and I’ve been perfect but he can’t drag me along and maybe we could be friends eventually and that he still loves me and wishes me the best but he just can’t commit right now. We we’re both crying and said we loved each other and hugged and kissed goodbye. I texted him the next day saying I’m going to miss him a lot and I wish him well and hope that someday we can try again when we’re both in better places in our lives and if he ever wants to call or text to never hesitate to. He responded with a lengthy text saying how sorry he was for hurting me and that I deserve the best and he also wishes we could talk again eventually but for us to heal we should both just say goodbye for now. I just don’t get how he could go from telling me how much he loves me one day and just breaking it off the next. I haven’t contacted him since that last text but still hold on to this hope that he’ll change his mind. It’s been one week with NO CONTACT, am I wrong to hold on to this hope ? Or is it pretty clear he’s never coming back ? I’m obviously working on improving myself but should I just give up on the idea that we can have another chance ? It just ended so abruptly and I’m left feeling so hurt and confused.
Sandy

September 24, 2015 at 10:49 pm

Hi!
I read the info on the site. I don’t know how to apply the NC rule, because my ex and I work togheter and share friends from work. We can’t stop talking because the work we have to do involves us both. Decisions, planning, work meetings, a lot of things require us to interact, and do it in a way that the rest of people in the office doesn’t have to be unconfortable. The space is a collaborative place, with no individual cubicles, so, it is hard to pretend that you don’t see or hear the other person when everyone is there and proffessional ideas are built in a collective way. We don’t call or text, we are not speaking, but we have to at work, and sometimes during coffee break, or if we find each other at meetings with mutual friends.
We were togheter for a year. He left me about a month ago. He said he never could tell me that he loved me and I did, so that was killing him, and it wasn’t fair for us to be in a relationship if we weren’t on the same place (I was in love, he was not). He said he cared for me a lot, he liked me, we shared a connection, but it wasn’t love for him.
The weird thing is he did told me that he loved me when he was drunk. Several times. When he drinked (he didn’t do it often, but sometimes at a birthday or a party), he started saying that he hated me because I knew him too well. When I told him to stop because he obviously didn’t hate me (in a sweet light tone, because we were on social events and there was no need for drama), he said he didn’t hate me, instead, he loved me in every possible way a person could be loved. But he never repeated it sober. He never remembered anything the next morning, and I never confronted him about it, to avoid scaring him and hoping he would say it eventually. I said “I love you” a few times when we were alone, and I never drink.
Phisically, we did great at first, but the last few months he was distant, like afraid of being intimate. I don’t think there was another person in the way, since we worked togheter we spent a lot of time togheter, and I don’t think there was any one else on the free time. I don’t know what was he afraid of.
I want him back, but the whole thing is really confusing.
What do you think? How should I do the NC thing?
Veronica

September 24, 2015 at 8:46 pm

You mention that he should be the one asking to meet up, but when we were breaking up he said he wanted to “stay friends” to which I replied no, and told him it was the last time we were ever going to hang out together. I didn’t say it in a vengeful way, I just implied that for me it would be too hard to be “just friends”. Is it then all right of me to ask him to meet up or no? Doing the NC now, by the way, so it won’t be for another few weeks anyway (if I still want him by that time, that is).

Chris Seiter

October 1, 2015 at 6:24 pm

Sometimes you have to adapt and be the one to ask for the meet up.
Veronica

September 24, 2015 at 9:43 pm

Oh, and by the way, I recently found him on Tinder, and am not sure whether it’s a good or a bad thing. He is NOT the type of person to use apps like Tinder, neither am I, and I only downloaded it right after the breakup to find a quick rebound, which I think he did as well (never seen Tinder on his phone prior to that), but I can’t be sure of course. What do you think?

sara

September 24, 2015 at 7:04 pm

Hi Chris,
Thanks for your website. It is very genuine and to the point.
I have a sticky situation and I really dont know what to do. I have a child with my ex and we are in long distance (different continents!).

He recently came to stay with us for a month. And by the time he left, we were in a better place emotionally. Although he still doesn’t want to get back together, we could get along a lot better. And he admitted that he wanted me sexually, which he didn’t feel before.

He just left 4 days ago, and it is already hard to bear. I want him to relocate to the US, and he is also considering the possibility. He loves our son very much. He will need to make that decision in the next 1-2 months, otherwise it will another year before he could come (it is related to his job situation).

At this point, i almost want to do NC rule, which i have never done since we broke up. We broke up two weeks after I got pregnant, but we didn’t find out about it two weeks after we broke up. And our son is 8 months old now. During this whole time, i have been keeping close contact with him, and he has tried to be supportive. But still, because of the situation, we had a lot of arguments. Because of all the arguments and we are both very strong headed people, he insists that him and I are not compatible and that’s why he wouldn’t be back together with me.

Now I don’t know what to do. Honestly I feel very hard to accept that we just relapse back to the routine we had before, which is me trying to talk to him every day. He said he wanted me to talk to him every day, but most of the time I talk to him, he felt very much being forced to talk back to him, because he doesn’t share much feelings, even information about his life. I guess he wants to talk to me so he can stay in touch with what’s going on with our son. I know this is an extremely difficult situation and I don’t mean to impose on you (you said you had a newborn as well – congratulations~ I understand how that felt). But at this point, i really need some help, because I have been holding on all by myself for too long. I really don’t know what to do anymore.

The night before last night, he reached out to me and said he had a bad day, so we talked. I sent him music and pictures of our son, he laughed. But last night, he seemed indifferent again, at least that’s how it started. I suspect he was talking to another woman over the chat, but he said he was talking to his father.

I dont know at this point, I should be talking to him so we can continue the rapport we built while living together the past month so he feel he could open up to me, or i should do the NC rule as he insist not to get back together. I made it very clear that I love him and want him back, more than once.

I feel like I am losing value in his eyes, at the same time, also make him feel that he cannot open up to me. Because i only want him to reallocate to the US and be with me, which is true. But I cannot pretend no care, and he can do whatever. I cannot endure that. It is critical time, because of the impending decision he has to make about reallocation. I don’t want to do the wrong thing. But at the same time, I also feel that I am out of ways to push things forward. If I keep talking to him like I was before, he will eventually lose the interest built during the time he was here. He is kind of popular among certain girls. There is a girl is trying to see him and he agreed to see her…i am freaking out at the same time feel deeply hurt and cannot control.

What should I do?

Sara

Sara

October 6, 2015 at 11:18 pm

Hi Chris, could you share your thoughts please?

Amina

September 24, 2015 at 10:36 am

Hey Chris!

Me and my ex have been in no contact for the past 3 months, my birthday was a week ago and strangely enough I got a birthday text from him, saying Happy birthday, hope your well and wishing you all the best this year.
I must admit I was a bit shocked to get a text from him, having not spoken or heard from him since we broke up. Plus during no contact it was his birthday but I did not reach out to him nor did I wish him happy birthday, so I didnt expect him to reach out to me either, is this normal for a guy to reach out and say happy birthday, even when you havent contacted him in months. does this mean anything? or is he just being friendly?
Jess

September 24, 2015 at 7:09 am

Hi Chris,

have a question around the NC rule. We just broke up amicably after 5+ years, but despite still having strong love for each other, he wanted to leave the relationship because he needs to ‘find himself’ – we’re in our mid 20s and I understand that people sometimes need to do that. I would like to give him that time to discover himself, and maybe in 6 months/1 year, if my circumstances haven’t changed, see if a) he’s made headway in his own journey and b) if we’re ready to rekindle our relationship. I guess in short, this will be a slow burn.

He also said he hopes to find a friend in me, and I too. But I can’t help but hope we can rekindle.

We discussed a weekly phone call to check in with each other, which goes against the NC rule of course. However, I’m less inclined to do the NC for 30 days because in 60 days, he is going overseas for 4 months. I have no intention of getting back with him before his trip but would like to see where he’s at in 6-12 months time. My question to you is, would you advise NC30 for a long term BFR plan, seeing as he’ll be away for a considerable amount of time? I guess this is a little different because I’m trying to set up the best scenario in case we want to be together in the future, rather than trying to rekindle the relationship within 2-3 months.

Thanks for your opinion Chris 🙂

Chris Seiter

October 1, 2015 at 6:26 pm

I would kill that phone call idea haha.

Natalie Bergman

September 24, 2015 at 3:40 am

I’m only on day 3 of no contact. He broke up with me on on Sunday over a week ago, so in total it’s been 11 days since the breakup. He said that I “exhausted” him and that he was “worn out” because I had a lot of changes in my life and my anxieties were dragging him down. I also think that I was too needy in the last few months of our relationship, and I think he missed having his life back, whereas to me, he WAS my life. So for these 30 days I’m hoping that by not contacting him and therefor being independent, it’ll make me look strong and more attractive to him. However, I do fear that in these 30 days he will just further move on from his feelings from me, rather than miss me. Out of sight out of mind, ya know? Night of the breakup, I cried at my house for hours and then made the terrible mistake of driving to his house at 12AM (he lives an hour away, mind you). He let me in because I was obviously distraught and in denial. We ended up having sex and in the morning he even accidentally called me by my pet name (I think it slipped out of habit), however, he told me I needed to go home because nothing had changed. I put on my clothes feeling disgusted with myself and drove the hour back to my house in tears. For the following week we texted casually every other day, just updating each other on life stuff. At first I got excited thinking he was texting me because he missed me already, but then it dawned on me that he’s a really good guy and he was probably just checking in to make sure I was doing alright, since he knows how much the breakup devastated me. I told him he can come by any time to pick up his stuff from my house, but sincec it’s an hour away he still hasn’t gotten it. Our texts were friendly and I made sure to sound like I was OK. It’s been 3 days since I found your book and decided to do the no contact rule. So far in counting its been 10 days since the breakup (counting monday morning when I woke up naked and ashamed), 7 days of friendly texting, and 3 days of no contact. I’m afraid that I’ll never heard from him again, and instead of missing me, he will use this time to get over me. He did tell me that “the connection isnt there anymore” when he brokeup with me, however, we still had sex that night when I showed up at his doorstep upset, and the next morning he accidentally called me by my pet name. There HAS to still be a connection, right? I mean, he’s not the kind of guy who will sleep with a vulnerable girl, he’s not a “dog” when it comes to sex. Yet he still chose to sleep with me the night of the breakup. I dont know. I guess I’m just asking if you think there is hope. I can’t believe that the connection would be totally GONE and he doesn’t love me anymore at all. I think he’s planning a new life for himself and wants to eventually move to the city, and having me an hour away who was nagging him to visit more was not working out for him anymore. I’m hoping that I can rekindle the connection and maybe be invited in his new little life plan and move to the city with him in the near future. What do you think about all this? I’m afraid that the no contact period will further allow him to separate himself from me and move on entirely. Maybe he already has, and that’s why he brokeup with me. He did say so, I just refuse to believe it….
Megan

September 23, 2015 at 2:15 pm

I’m coming up on the end of my No Contact period, and while I feel like I’ve done very well, I’m starting to feel really nervous about contacting my ex. I have what I want to say planned out for my first text, and I feel pretty good about myself and my changes, how I look, but I’m still really nervous.

Is it possible not to feel ready? Do you EVER feel ready? If you don’t feel ready, should you continue No Contact until you do, or does that make it go on for too long?
Sally W

September 23, 2015 at 1:44 am

Hi Chris,

This is a complicated one – my ex and I broke up two months ago. He’s had a rough time of it – coming to terms with the death of a close family member recently and very guarded about entering into new relationships after a handful of really bad experiences and breakups in the past. He’s moving to a different state next year and has been utterly fixated on that as he’s been very unhappy living here, and he warned me right away that previous bad experiences of moving with an ex-girlfriend had left him very reluctant to do it again. But he gave me enough hope that there was a chance, so we took it slow and we had a wonderful relationship of over eight months. We got on fantastically well, were incredibly attracted to each other, had great conversations, lots in common, never fought, etc. but ultimately he ended it because he saw that I was far more serious about him than he was about me and he was still determined to move and follow his own life plan alone. The breakup was amicable, and we’ve seen each other since as we’re both fairly heavily involved in the same sports club and we have a lot of friends in common. We’re still friendly, and we still talk and have a nice time, and he’ll reminisce about what good times we had. I got in the best shape of my life since we broke up and he’s told me I look great several times. He said it’s entirely possible we’ll get back together later down the line when we’re at a different point in life, and while I realize that may have been an attempt not to hurt my feelings, I like to think there’s a chance. However, he just told me he’s dating his ex from before me again. From everything I’ve heard about her from him, they’re utterly incompatible, but he said she’d changed and wasn’t trying to force him into anything serious, which he’s averse to right now, but is just spending time with him with no pressure and no expectations and accepting full well that he’s going to end things and move away soon. I don’t buy it, I think she probably wants something more serious with him but isn’t letting on for fear of scaring him away. Obviously, I want him back, I think we had too much of a good thing going to just give up on it, but as you can see it’s…complicated. Oh, and I didn’t do myself any favours by telling him I missed him and going on about how important it was to me that we could still be friends even if we couldn’t be together last time we spoke, and I realize that was a bad move. Should I even bother to pursue this, given his plans and his insistence that he doesn’t want anything serious right now? Should I do NC, given that we’ve already seen each other a handful of times since we broke up? Should I attempt to follow your program or do you think this one is a lost cause?
Jen

September 22, 2015 at 11:33 pm

Hi Chris

I’ve read a lot of your guides and I must say they are amazing! I would love to hear back from you.
My ex and I were together for 4 months. During the 4 th month, he began to go thru a lot and started becoming distant and depressed (he worked 9hr-12hr shifts, his friend committed suicide). I guess I became a gnat and a week before my bday, after standing me up on plans to finally meet after over a month, he tells me he wants a break. This did nothing but make me an emotional wreck because we already hadn’t seen each other and we barely spoke. During the next week, we spoke 3 times (he did not wish me a happy bday until I txted him). It was at this time that I discovered he would not be able to go to school this semester, more stress for him. He did not tell me this and would ghost out of the conversation when I tried to get him to tell me what was wrong. The night before his bday (his is 3 days after mine) the things my friends were saying started to make me paranoid (they said “he wants to break up. He’s just being nice about it by ignoring u and taking a “break”.) and I made the mistake of flooding his phone with txts saying the break was pointless because not seeing each other and barely speaking was already a break in my eyes and as his gf I should be able to support him thru whatever he was going thru and I felt like he was trying to slowly break up. Eventually, after being ignored, I gave him an ultimatum saying that if I didn’t hear from him at a certain time, I’d take that as him breaking up. Obviously, I heard nothing from him so when the time came, I sent a txt confirming his decision (not angry. I basically said that I love him and that hopefully he’ll see that he has to put in effort with things now that I’m gone. I’d tried calling first but he ignored it) and started NC immediately after.
During NC, I worked on becoming more confident and positive. I’ve even generated a lot of attention from other guys both online and at school. Most importantly, more patient because now I see that was one of the big causes of our break up (that and his lack of communication). I have been posting about my outings with friends and selfies on social media (he still follows me). 3 days before the end of my NC, he liked a picture Id posted of myself at the beach. Other than that, he has not tried to contact me at all and I attributed this to him being quite stubborn and maybe even a bit scared. I’ve glanced at his Twitter twice and it seems like he’s posting things about me (like “I miss u” and song lyrics that apply to our break up). He also seems to be turning to weed a wholeeee lot more to “cope” with his stresses.
Today, my NC ended and I was excited to take the next step in the ExBfRec process. I sent the first text saying “omg the craziest thing just happened that made me think of u. Ull never guess lol” to which I have received no reply. It has been almost 7 hrs. This is kind of confusing considering he claimed to truly be in love with me for the majority of our short relationship and he never actually told me he felt any different. Weve even gone as far as to plan a future together. So this long response time is concerning.
Do you think I am just being impatient, since it is something I am still working on? In your experience, how long does it normally take for a ex to respond to the initial txt?
And this is another topic but after communication has been reestablished with an ex, when does the “how have you been?” conversation come up? If ever.
Thank you for your help!

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