The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,801 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Via

March 21, 2019 at 6:44 am

Hi Chris,
I knew the no contact rule for a while. Your breakdown allows me to understand it more thoroughly.
But I never tried to not contact anyone, friend or ex. I feel if I stop contacting or ignoring anyone, they might stop contacting me forever instead of trying hard to talk to me. And if I value anyone, I don’t want them to leave my life permanently.
That’s why after all my breakups, I keep talking with my exes and let them stay in my life as friends, even I want more, well at least when we just broke up.
What if during NC period, the other person never talks to me, or breaks his habits of contacting me very fast, or deletes me completely to move on?
I guess I can never really do NC without solving these concerns. Is there any example of those situations from you?
Thank you for your help
A

March 3, 2019 at 12:43 pm

Hi guys

I’ve been in no contact for nearly a month now and it’s coming to an end soon but I am strongly considering doing an indefinite no contact as I have just been so hurt by my ex. He really seems insensitive to everything, I feel that he has no feelings anymore and I feel that no contact is making very little difference. I know I’m a good person and we all have our flaws but I don’t feel like I need to prove anything anymore. This is our third breakup and I can’t understand an ex coming back when he had no intentions on staying together or working on things. I know my ex took me for granted. I had initially intended to reach out after the 30 days, but I really don’t think it’s worth it. It has appeared that he has already moved on after a month of our breakup and I feel that all hope is really lost.. I think if someone can’t see your value or worth you shouldn’t chase them.. I have been active in improving myself and some days are better then others, I’ve just recently starting using a dating app (not expecting anything from it lol) & I am trying to move forward and your website has been a great place for helping me do that – I purchased the no contact rule book & found it a great help. The comfort I can find is the fact that it gets easier as time goes on. And it’s really his loss at the end of the day.

Chris Seiter

March 3, 2019 at 6:04 pm

Hi A…I am glad you are finding a better emotional balance. You are right….some guys just don’t get it. Glad we are able to help. If you need any 1 x 1 coaching, just let us know! Yep, you are right..it’s his loss if he doesn’t see the wonderful opportunity in you right in front of him.

Erin

March 3, 2019 at 3:04 am

Hi Chris. I recently started dating someone long distance (4 months) but we broke up by his choice because I caught him in a lie. We first went on a break in January because I called him out for following a girl on Instagram and liking one of her bikini pictures, obviously flirting, and he got angry and told me he wanted to go on a break. I fought it a little but ultimately let him have his space and when the time came he said he wanted to keep doing long distance and make it work. Well, fast forward to now a month later I found out that he was still talking to this girl and cheated on me even the SAME day that I was visiting him but I didn’t find any of this out until this past weekend. I confronted him and he straight up lied to my face about everything until I texted him later telling him that I knew everything and he FINALLY admitted that it was true but wouldn’t talk about it past that to tell me why or what was happening that made him do this and broke up with me. I feel as if he wouldn’t have broken up with me if I hadn’t confronted him about all of the lying and what was going on. Can you tell me what might have been going through his mind and why it seems like I’m the one in the wrong here?
Shreya

March 2, 2019 at 5:37 am

Hi Chris,

I was waiting for your answer, seems like I have no chance with my bf and that is the reason you did not answer to my question. It seems like he is out of love with me as I irritated him with marriage topic and also lately started complaining and blaming him regarding our relationship and my saddness. I shoudnt hve done that.

Chris Seiter

March 3, 2019 at 5:55 am

Hi Shreya….I just get so so busy, I am not able to respond to every comment. You may want to consider implementing No Contact just the way I teach it in my Program. I have written books and recorded videos and podcasts on the subject. My epic eBook (485 pages) is probably the best way to get a deep dive into all of the strategies you may want to consider. So, yes, you have a chance. But there is a lot to do in the personal healing/recovery department for any of us who are going thru a breakup and that should be one’s focal point and at the same time one should have an ex recovery plan.

Shay

March 1, 2019 at 10:10 pm

Does it count as breaking no contact if I accidentally looked at his Instagram story? I was clicking through automatically and then he popped up. Obviously I didn’t send a message or “like” any of his photos, but if he looks at the viewer list, he’s going to see I looked.

Chris Seiter

March 1, 2019 at 10:42 pm

Hi Shay…so don’t think you need to worry about this. If you are looking for a deep dive into the subject of the no contact rule and every way you can adapt and modify it to fit your needs, check out my 245 page eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”!

Shreya

February 27, 2019 at 5:53 pm

We were in a year and half relationship, we belong to indian orthodox family. My parents started off with marriage topic, even though he was not ready for the marriage he ended talking to his parents about us. His parents did not agree and he beoke up with me. Though he still loves me he is not ready to continue the relationship further and to take the responsibility
I started no contact rule but ended up calling him after 4 days. And then 2 days and also fought with him for giving up on us.it is very hard to stop talking to a person when you know he still loves you. But if i try to talk to him about my feeling and try to convince he asks not to manipulate him. What should I do in this situation. He is very stuborn and will never call me first. Will no contact rule work since families are involved. And what are the other thing which will help for him take a stand for us
Shreya

February 26, 2019 at 9:04 pm

We were in a year and half relationship, we belong to indian orthodox family. My parents started off with marriage topic, even though he was not ready for the marriage he ended talking to his parents about us. His parents did not agree and he beoke up with me. Though he still loves me he is not ready to continue the relationship further and to take the responsibility
I started no contact rule but ended up calling him after 4 days. And then 2 days and also fought with him for giving up on us.
It is very hard to stop talking to a person when you know he still loves you. But if i try to talk to him about my feeling and try to convince he asks not to manipulate him. What should I do in this situation. He is very stuborn and will never call me first. Will no contact rule work since families are involved. And what are the other thing which will help for him take a stand for us
Tare

February 26, 2019 at 8:28 am

My boyfriend of 8 months broke up with me a month ago, he promised me we were gonna get married and that we were soul mates.
All of a sudden he gave me stupid reasons why it can’t work out anymore and that distance was a barrier and he can’t ever date me again.
I still miss him so much but everyone says I should move on since he broke my heart after so many promises.
What should I do?
I’m so hurt and I’ve been trying to move on but I can’t, I’ve started the no contact rule and it has lasted for a week but he hasn’t contacted me at all since, do you think he has moved on or he’s just trying to get his head together?

Chris Seiter

February 26, 2019 at 10:34 pm

Hi Tare…the NC process can do so much for you in the healing/recovery department as well as potentially increasing your chances of getting back with your ex.. So be sure you are up to speed on how to properly implement NC. I have tons of information about it on my site and of course in my Program Resources.

Anyee

February 21, 2019 at 5:06 am

Hi Chris,

Me and my boyfriend were together for 2 years and 4 months. We had some trust issue problem since we met, because we both cheated to get to each other .My boyfriend always think I will once again cheated on him. We broke up a week ago , it’s all because I hide I join a gym plan and engaged in a personal training session , I didn’t tell him that my personal trainer is a guy. And he found out one day , he was so mad and keep saying I cheated on him ,which I never

.After he blocked from all social media , he will find d me say some venomous stuff, saying that he hate me , asking why I cheated on him . I keep telling him i didn’t do anything to cheat and I tell him I love him as always and everyone know I am loyal. He doesnt listen to me at all, and saying I will never able to prove I didn’t cheat .

And now ,I am so afraid ,if he that mad and keep telling himself I cheated ,and the fact I didn’t at all. what will he tHink during the NC rule, will he able to think deeper and know I am loyal and answer me after the NC. He is so extreme right now that k could not communicate at the moment .
Thanks.

Chris Seiter

February 21, 2019 at 10:39 pm

Hi there Anyee!

Just give him some time to emotionally “settle” and if you feel its necessary, give him a heads up that you are going to give him some space and take time and space for yourself to work on things. I hope you are making use of my Program eBooks as they will help you through out this process.

Maya Houch

February 18, 2019 at 8:08 pm

Hi, my ex I’ve known for the past year (since December 2017) has broken if off, saying he feels differently, that he is young (as he is much younger than me) and still wants to explore dating and he doesn’t know what he wants in a relationship still and to grow as an adult. He said he was still in love with me and loves/cares for me but doesn’t love me as much as in the beginning but was sure of his decision and it didn’t feel right to be with me anymore. We were in a long-distance relationship, he have never met but I was planning to go meet him during the summer and later move closer to him for my studies (so not just for him). Our problems were mostly communication but we had a great friendship, we would fight a lot though. Also, I recently lost both my parents so I was putting a lot of frustration at him. A week after the breakup, I send a clean slate text with help of another coach saying that I respect his decision, that I apology for my behaviour (as I did many mistakes and also the day of the breakup I said bad things) during the relationship (giving him some moments that I realized where I was wrong) and ended it with a cute little inside joke telling him that I hope we can get back to these good times and that I will continue giving him space until he is ready (it was a tad long but it was sincere). He answered saying that it’s not because of my behaviours that he broke up but repeated that it was because he was young and needed to grow up and explore dating more. He said I have the tendency to blame myself for most things and that I shouldn’t this time around, that it wasn’t my fault. He also said and I quote : “I would love to still be your caring friend and have a good time with you whenever we have the chance to speak. I’m glad to hear that you have been taking time for yourself, cause I do care about you, and always want you to succeed.” I didn’t answer to that as I wanted to start the no-contact from there. This was a week ago. But yesterday night, he messaged me saying and I quote: “Is this how it will be now on? We won’t speak any longer? It breaks my heart to see us not even being friends after all is said and done”. What does that mean? Should I answer him?
Maya

February 18, 2019 at 8:00 pm

Hi, my ex I’ve known for the past year (since December 2017) has broken if off two weeks ago, saying he feels differently, that he is young (he is much younger than me) and still wants to explore dating and he doesn’t know what he wants in a relationship still and wants to grow as an adult. He said he was still in love with me and loves/cares for me but doesn’t love me as much as in the beginning but is sure of his decision and it didn’t feel right to be with me anymore. He said he wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment. Our problems were also mostly communication. It was also a long-distance relationship, we have never met but I had plans to go meet him in the summer and then move there to continue my studies and be near him. I send a clean slate text after a week with help of another coach saying that I respect his decision, that I apology for my behaviour during the relationship (giving him some moments that I realized where I was wrong as I did many mistakes) and ended it with a cute little inside joke telling him that I hope we can get back to these good times and that I will continue giving him space until he is ready (it was a tad long but it was sincere). He answered saying that it’s not because of my behaviours that he broke up but repeated that it was because he was young and needed to grow up and explore dating more. He said I have the tendency to blame myself for most things and that I shouldn’t this time around, that it wasn’t my fault. He also said and I quote : “I would love to still be your caring friend and have a good time with you whenever we have the chance to speak. I’m glad to hear that you have been taking time for yourself, cause I do care about you, and always want you to succeed.” This was now a week ago and I haven’t answered wanting to do the no-contact rule. But yesterday night while I was asleep he messages me saying and I quote: “Is this how it will be now on? We won’t speak any longer? It breaks my heart to see us not even being friends after all is said and done”. What does that mean? Should I answer him?
Holly

February 18, 2019 at 6:21 pm

Short and sweet question Chris,
My BF and I split up, mutually, after 5 1/2 years. I immediately regretted and tried the whole begging to come back thing twice to no avail. Found your book and went NC. After 8 days he called me up and wanted to meet, which I did. The meet up ended badly (basically he ditched me at the bar to go meet up with one of his friends after spending 4 hours with me and having a good time). I was livid and told him. Didn’t seem to bother him. So then I texted him the next day and said I needed to get over him and for i was leaving him alone to heal myself. But, of course, I still do want him back. Do I even try to do another 30 days and start over or should I just give up the fight?
Gelmy Amor

February 15, 2019 at 4:06 pm

Hi! Actually I just begged my ex for 3 times now and he kept on rejecting me. We were together for 2 years and 3 months and we broke up around 1 month ago. Our relationship grew unhealthy and toxic to the point where we hurted each other (not physically) that’s why we broke up. After the break up, we still communicate and sometimes he’s giving me false hopes and if I’ll ask him about it, he’ll deny it. I am so confused on what should I do. I still love him so much but lately he told me that it’s over and I should date someone else. I asked him why and he said “I don’t want us to hurt each other and I’m tire”. What should I do?

Chris Seiter

February 16, 2019 at 12:40 am

Hi Gelmy!

Right…I know you no realize that begging is a slippery slope that seldom works out for you. But if things were toxic, then a breakup was needed. Just continue with your No Contact efforts and remember, NC is mostly about “you” and your recovery/healing and focus on self growth.

Ms You

February 10, 2019 at 4:48 pm

Dear Chris,

My ex is giving the hot and cold vibe… He’s telling me how he misses me and wants to call me but pulls back because of emotions and doesn’t want to lead me on…. yet we talk well, even made out like twice but still gives the cold vibe too. He won’t reachout but he responds well when I do.
Though, the major part of our issue was him thinking he wasn’t enough for me and suddenly wondering why I show much concern to him now.
Lately, I’ve been reaching out a lot more because he was going through a financial tough time. He even admitted I’ve been a better friend to him and he has to me.
Anyway, What do you suggest I do??

Chris Seiter

February 10, 2019 at 10:29 pm

Hi Ms You!

Sometimes when guys get confused about what they want, you get this hot and cold vibe. Part of them is pulled into your orbit….another part is seeking autonomy and independence. And if there is uncertainty about how this have been going in the past, that makes things choppy. So just go it slow. Leave some gaps in there to encourage him to reach out first, but don’t shut down communications.

Mary

February 1, 2019 at 6:29 pm

Hi Chris,

So i’ve been kind of off and on with me ex. He has a lot of trust issues. Last time I saw him and everything was “normal” was with new years eve. We broke up two weeks later, cause we were fighting for those whole two weeks on whatsapp and didnt see each other. A new trend in the relationship was fighting for weeks and not seeing each other. I must say its not only fighting, but he keeps bringing up stuff that leads to a fight even if were kinda okay with each other. So i was sick of the arguments and the not seeing. And sent him a message that i was coming and we had two choices. Either we act normal or i got his stuff and we ending this. He didnt want me to come at first, but i just did cause i was over it. I came there and he was barely talking . I tried real hard to try to stay respectfull and talk things out, but he didnt want to talk things out. So i said okay and said i DID NOT want him to contact me then after the breakup. And like i expected he texted me that night and some days later also. Only with negative things about me and accusing me of cheating etc. I didnt respond. It got a little awkward when his mom started texting me saying she hopes to see me soon (at that time she wasnt aware yet we broke up). She texted me also after she found at and told me it was a shame and she still hopes we make up. In the meanwhile he texted me again with more crap. And in his last texts he was saying hpw i havent proved i didnt cheat and stuff. But the fact is I didnt cheat and got nothing to proof to him. Ive been doing NO for 21 days. Should i go on or send him a text. Apparantly he doesnt get that i wont respond if he send hatefull stuff and he wants me to proof i didnt cheat. And the NO rule is making him thinkbi didnt care about the relationship and already am fucking around. He also says he wil start datong too and so on. Help please
Alaa

January 30, 2019 at 6:41 pm

Hello Chris,
Thank you a lot for being here to help me out
And sorry for asking a lot of questions

I think I made a mistake right after my ex gave his answer and rejected me, by taking all of my anger out at him

I called him immature and mentioned that I hated how he has always been chasing me confessing to me over and over again until I finally loved him back and then he didn’t like it and left me

So in that case, would it still be fine if I reach out to him a week later? Im afraid I hurt him by what I said.. or should I wait more?
I already did the NC for 30 days before him giving me his answer.. or is it necessary to redo the 30 days NC from the very beginning?

Thank you!
Alaa

January 28, 2019 at 8:06 pm

Hello again,

I know I did post a reply earlier
But I have been wondering…
Since my ex already rejected me right after the no contact finished, because he was expected to give his answer anyway, it would be wrong to contact him immediately right?

How long do I have to wait until I can contact him again?
He didn’t even give me a chance to see if I changed my behavior or anything

And I am hurt and keep wondering, did he never even slightly miss me during this whole month..? Did he forget about all the good times we have spent together and never thought of them?
I can’t understand how he rejected me immediately without saying anything before it

I want to get the spark of love that died in him back, I want to make him fall for me again
I don’t want to live my life without him around

Thanks again

Chris Seiter

January 28, 2019 at 11:29 pm

Hi Alaa! After NC, you don’t really want your ex to give a definitive answer as to the course of the relationship. The idea is after NC, you want to take little baby steps to try to create a path for some positive communication. Might be best to pull back for a week or so , then try again just as I teach in my Program. Remember, its about little steps…with no pressure on him having to make any decisions about the relationship.

Alaa

January 28, 2019 at 5:26 am

Hi Chris,
It’s me again

As I mentioned before, I told my ex that I’d give him a month to think about his decision
And before yesterday was the last day of contact, I waited all day and he yet hasnt contacted me

Then right before midnight he messaged me just saying “I think the one month is over” then after some while he sent “This is awkward, I wrote an essay but I can’t send it”
That was through sms. And he disappeared

I messaged him saying that we can talk somewhere else, next day, nothing from him at all… the day after, which is today, I messaged him again on social media aski g him of he’s give his answer

He was so immediate to the point and said he thinks it is better for us to go on separate ways and move on

I asked the reason, he said that the relationship woth me was so awesome, but he felt the spark in him has died, and he even started thinking if we’d be able to get married
And reached to the conclusion that we can’t possibly get married

I asked him why he thinks it is not possible to get married.. he said 1. We dont have an acceptable story on how we met (we met on facebook but apparently he was at my school) 2. He doesn’t know what will happen in his life and doesn’t want to live a lie 3. He can’t afford it

And that he fails to see any further for us in at least the 5 next years, and that he wanted to end the relationship because he didn’t want to live a lie and don’t want to give himself false hopes

So I gave a solution for each point of those 3 and explained we can still make it if we really wanted to and it is possible

Then I asked if he really loved me for those past 6 years and about the previous relationships with him, he said he did care for me and enjoyed talking but it wasn’t so serious like this one

Theen… he said what he hated about the relationship was “immaturity”

So I wonder if there is still a chance to get him back, and what I should do regarding the no contact, Im not sure what I should do next

Thank you
A

January 17, 2019 at 4:09 am

Hi Chris,
I had a vulnerable moment and ended up texting my ex after 17 days of NC. However, I ended up deleting them before they got delivered, but, he’ll know I messaged him and then deleted those texts.
I feel very stupid for wasting my progress and don’t know what to do next.
Please help 🙁

Chris Seiter

January 17, 2019 at 4:57 am

Hey there! Don’t feel stupid. Look we all make mistakes and this one is not going to be the end all….and I am not so sure this was a mistake. If anything, what you did may trigger a little tingle of interest and curiosity in his mind. Just stay on course. And if you don’t have my eBook, go get it as it will help with all the moves down the road.

A

January 15, 2019 at 5:42 pm

My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me this November after many miscommunication and misunderstandings between us. It crushed me to my core because he’d asked me to marry him 4 months ago and I’d said yes.
We were in an LDR throughout, he moved abroad for work after 6 months of dating/knowing each other. We’d met via a dating app.
He wasn’t a very hands on boyfriend as He has a demanding work situation with crazy work hours. I was very understanding, mostly.
He even worked on dates or till late in nights on weekends. I didn’t feel like this would have a future because of the distance and unavailibility so I Tried ending things in between for a while.
However, after a whole lot of hot and cold dynamics, and a very long on and off relationship, things were really good between us this past one year. And, he asked me to marry him this summer, right before I was moving back home to live with my parents.
And, i said yes.
However, things between us fell apart once families got involved, which happened at a very weird time because I lost 2 close family members in an accident. I couldn’t handle my family and let it not affect our emotional health. I became needy and very recluse. After a Cold War of about 3 weeks, he gave up on me and started ghosting me. In the meantime I lost a third family member it was the worst of times for me. I panicked and became desperate to want to talk to him. He kept asking for sometime off, and continued ignoring my calls and texts. I couldn’t handle it.
After a whole lot of nagging, he finally spoke to me over the phone and said that he wasn’t happy, we are both very similar (introverts and walled up about our feelings) and it won’t workout in the long run. He’s fallen out of love but, still really likes me.
Now that I think of it, he’d never really verbally expressed his love for me. But, that’s how he is. Never too expressive about his feelings. We are both very similar.
Once he ended things, over the phone, since we are in a LDR, I kept nagging him for a meeting in person one last time, I was an emotional wreck, very needy and desperate, he agreed to meet me and met me after a month, in this whole time, he kept watching all my stories on my social media.
However, in that meeting he told me, he wanted to marry me because he thought I was the best he could do, but, life is long and it won’t workout in the long run.
I think I wrecked it because I was very needy and angry and presumptious these past couple months. So, I begged for forgiveness, but, he told me he doesn’t want me to blame myself for wrecking it. And that I need to move on and i will find someone better in life.
I didn’t say much then, parted ways cordially but became desperate again after few days, kept begging and pleading with him to take me back and give it another try. If I wasn’t deranged earlier, I became deranged then.
We met for the last time on 9th December and I kept texting him till 1st January.
He stopped reading my texts sometime after Christmas, he never replied to any of them anyway. Or took any of my calls.
I know I pushed him away by being too desperate and needy and clingy, and by not talking to him over the phone and only continuing chatting over texts. Because I was in the middle of mourning for one straight month after all the deaths in the family.
Now, o haven’t reached out to him since after 1st of jan. I really don’t know if this NC thing will work in my case since it mainly got wrecked because of texting and not talking like regular people do.
But, I think he’s the one for me, I want him back in my life, because I’ve never met another man more patient and calm than him.
The idea is to reach out to him after after 40 days, on the day of his parents’ anniversary.
I feel that he still loves me but is only worried because of how I behaved, I’ve done this in the past too. Overreacted about a certain situation/thing, but apologised later once I realised my mistake.
The way we communicate has always been flawed, and I know that. We only text because of the distance, he was also abroad and away for a significant amount of time and therefore whatsapp was our only means of communication throughout. Plus neither of us likes talking over the phone. But, we have a strong emotional bond, a great physical chemistry and never ever cheated on each other.
I don’t know what to do, but I want him back in my life. I want to give us another try.
I don’t know if NC will work in my case, since we were always LDR and have no mutual friends of acquaintances et cetera.

Chris Seiter

January 15, 2019 at 11:03 pm

Hi there A!

Miscommunications and misunderstandings can create problems for relationships. I think NC is worth a try given the other tactics did not improve matters.

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6,801 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”