The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,801 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Vicky

January 5, 2019 at 11:47 pm

Hi Chris!
I was with my ex for 9years…he broke up with me and started a rebound,then i started following your methods and i did changes of things which were the reason for the breakup! So we got back together…but only for a few weeks…i was not able to forgive him his rebound relationship and we had fights over it…so we broke up again a few days ago.
Ive seen on facebook that he reached out to his rebound again…im so angry and disappointed! I dont know what to do!
Can no contact rule and your tips work a second time? Should i even bother with him after that he reached out for this girl again?

I love him and i want to be with him but i dont know what to do?

Please give me some advice!
Thank you!
Jami

January 4, 2019 at 8:04 pm

Hi Chris,

My ex and I were together for around 6 months, he broke up with me on December 10th. Just a little background…our relationship progressed very quickly, We work together and we discovered that we both liked each other for quite awhile before we started seeing each other. He told me he loved me first, he told me that he had feelings for me that he had never had for anyone else, he told me that he had been looking for me and that he was not going to let me go. He would tell me he was thinking about me, missing me every day. He would come and see me every day at lunch (we work different shifts). So after about 3 months the sweet things he would say kind of started dwindling, he wasn’t messaging me as much (messaging was our main means of communication because we worked different shifts), I was always the one to ask to do things, but he would always say yes to hang out when I asked. If we were hanging out together things were always great. Even through all of this, he told me he loved me every day. So a couple of weeks before the breakup I told him that I felt like I was more into him than he was to me. He said I hadn’t done anything wrong, but was just being “cautious” because of his long term ex (she was a horrible person and cheated on him multiple times and he does have a lot of damage from her) The next weekend I explained to him that I didn’t think it was fair for me to be “punished” so to speak for stuff that his ex did, especially since he said I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I told him that it had been hurting me. He refused to discuss it anymore, told me he loved me but didn’t want to talk about it and ignored me the rest of the weekend. The next day he apologized for ignoring me and then on Monday came into work, kissed me and told me he loved me. That same night I messaged him a long message just saying that I was all in for him and that I was in love with him and would never hurt him like she did. It was a lot longer than that, but I don’t want to type everything out. His response was “I don’t know what I want, this doesn’t feel right, I don’t want to hurt you”. I just replied with a wow, I didn’t see this coming and said that he broke my heart. I said you don’t want to at least try and he said “It doesn’t feel right, I have to trust my gut”. He said he would like to still be friends. I did ask him if there was someone else and he said No. So we work together as I stated earlier, we only actually work together in the same department for about 30 minutes a day. But ever since the breakup he has not said one word to me other than Hi a couple of times, he totally avoids me and the whole office. I have not tried to talk to him at work but I did message him twice after the breakup (before I learned No Contact)..it was once the weekend right after and then the next weekend, but I haven’t sent anything else since then for two weeks now. I guess I just don’t know what to think since he is ignoring me if I should just give up or what? He is the love of my life and I want him back so bad. I still feel like we are meant to be. I don’t know if you have any words of advice for me, but I do appreciate you reading this. Thank you so much!!
ap

January 3, 2019 at 9:03 am

hello Chris,
my ex bf and I have been together for 1 year, he left me after some “mini break ups”, saying he doesn’t love me anymore. I don’t know why, but I think it’s because of my behavior in some situations (e.g. I got angry many times for his behavior, like also stupid things). I begged and did everything you and the others say it’s not something to do. Now after one month and a half, it’s ten days I’m not contacting him anymore (and i broke the NC after other ten days of NC). I just want to have a chance, cause I really know what I did wrong, and I am sure, that if he loved me still, I could be way better in those situations, explaining things with less anger and in more functional way. What should i do?

Chris Seiter

January 3, 2019 at 11:20 pm

Hi Ap!

Don’t cast all the blame on yourself as breakups happen not on account of just on person’s behavior. But I agree NC is a good course of action. Pick up my eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” as it will help you throughout this whole process!

Bree

December 28, 2018 at 7:49 pm

I did the no contact rule on an ex after several months of post – breakup fighting. He was regularly getting really emotional and angry and having a go at me so after this had gone on for a while I just went quiet. We had plans to meet so I could get my stuff back from him soon after the 30 days so I knew I’d hear from him again.

After 30 days I contacted him to ask how he had been. No response. I contacted him again to ask about getting my stuff back. He started giving brief responses and I was shocked how unemotional they were.

He told me he was going to meet me for 5 minutes, give my stuff back and leave.

When we met though, things seemed ok, we had a chat and things were civil and reasonably friendly and he actually hung around for about 45 minutes, much longer than he had said. So I was hopeful.

He was very sick when we met up so I messaged him later on to ask if he was feeling ok. He replied. And then he just blocked me. There was no fighting, no explanation, no emotional conversations, no ignoring of my message. I was just blocked.

I’m in shock. I don’t know what to do. I feel like no contact put distance between us that wasn’t there before, like it has allowed him to get over me. At least before i did it he was getting emotional, and after no contact suddenly no emotion at all. This was now a few weeks ago and im still not unblocked, though he did check my profile once.

The only place I still have contact with him now is in a public chatroom we are both in, he has blocked all my ways of contacting him in private. I’m shocked and i have no idea what I can still do.

Chris Seiter

December 29, 2018 at 2:15 am

Hi Bree!

Looks like you have tried different approaches. Some of his behaviors are not matching up with his earlier behavior when you met up with him for a chat. Not sure why. Pressing more probably not the way to go. Focus on your own self for now.

Britney

December 25, 2018 at 4:14 am

I need help. I did the no contact back in July to Aug. Then I found out I was pregnant at the of Aug with his child. My ex fiancé contacted me out of the blues after the 30 day no contact so we started texting here and there. He started giving me mixed signals and telling he wants to get back together, then the following week he would tell me he never wants to get back together. He did this to me twice, first was a text and second was a call. I did tell him how I felt, which I simply regret. Also, I just found out yesterday that he has a new girlfriend. What do I do to get him back? Our breakup was mutual and we’ve been together for 4 years, engaged for 3 years. I’m due in May. All I want is to be with him (marry him) and raise this child together.

Chris Seiter

December 25, 2018 at 11:45 pm

Hi Britney!

Right now you focus should be on your emotional and physical health. I think resuming no contact helps in both areas of your healing and recover and also potentially creating the space that may lead your ex to regret his decision and see your value to him and his life.

Deja Booker

December 23, 2018 at 9:57 am

I’m on day 7 of NC from my ex fiancé of 3 years. Last week he stood me up, we were to attend an office Christmas party. I confronted him about ghosting me (no call, no show), he basically text me and said that I deserve better and that he wanted to be left alone. I have not been in contact with him since. The last 8 months of our relationship, I’ve gone through infidelity, loss of our son (still birth in October 2018), lies, living separate (due to the cheating), lack of emotional and financial support with my ex. My ex has been calling me and texting me throughout there’s no contact period. I have not responded however he is starting to say things that I want to hear. He basically texted me saying that he was ready to move back home and is willing to meet my requirements of him. I feel like it’s just a ploy to get me to answer the phone. Should I continue on with the 30 day no contact? Should I look into 45 days of no contact? To be clear I still want to be with him, I still see a future with him . I just need to know that he is willing to change. As far as self-care and recovery, I am active in therapy as well as the grief counseling.

Chris Seiter

December 23, 2018 at 8:06 pm

Hi Deja!

So in this case you should probably explore things with him. Think little steps, just build on some conversation and see how things unfold.

San

December 10, 2018 at 1:15 pm

Hi, please during the no contact am I allowed to let my ex view my Status or I should exclude him from viewing my status until I end the no contact . Thanks

Chris Seiter

December 10, 2018 at 11:25 pm

I kinda like keeping the social media lines of communication open in most circumstances as you can leverage that to your advantage in some ways.

Melanie

November 30, 2018 at 10:50 am

Hi Chris,

My ex and I only dated for about 2 months so it was not very long. We got into an a small argument and he decided that he didn’t want to be in a relationship. That was 3 months ago. After the breakup we kept in contact as he wanted to stay and would bump into each other often at the gym and things seem to be ok for a while. However about a month ago things got a bit strained between us and he started to pull away. He longer tries to initiate conversion or prolong conversion anymore and is very distant. I’m trying to use the non contact rule but it is difficult because we still bump into each other at time gym (its a small town where I’m living currently). Does this mean no contact will be unsuccessful? Any suggestions on what I can do? I’m afraid because our relationship wasn’t very long I might be wasting my time on trying to get him back.
Many thanks

Chris Seiter

December 1, 2018 at 12:25 am

Hi Melanie!

I am sorry your ex used a small argument to blow things up. You can still do NC and navigate around the Gym contacts. Indeed, you can potentially use the Gym unplanned contacts to your advantage. Go pick up my eBook so you have a big picture view of how all this fits together!

Doreen Wee

November 29, 2018 at 9:28 am

Hi Chris,

I am currently on my 22 days of NC but he didn’t contact me at all. I’m now kinda lost what should i do the next step. Could you please advise me? Thanks

Chris Seiter

November 30, 2018 at 3:00 am

Hi Doreen…have you taken a look at my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book” as it can really help in the self healing department!

Ashley

November 26, 2018 at 6:48 am

Hello Chris,
me and my boyfriend broke up on Wednesday.. it was pretty immature really. He went on thanksgiving break with his friends and I got very upset that he would not message me back or anything the entire night. His friends that were with him would talk to me and stuff but my boyfriend didn’t seem to care to talk to me, his excuse was “let me have fun with my friends”. I eventually got so heated and hurt that I said something very immature and regretful, I said “have fun being single” and I stopped sharing my location and he texted “stop” but ended up stopping sharing his location too. we texted in the morning and he said “you upset me really much, every time you get mad when I don’t call or text you” I then apologized and said I loved him and that I did not mean it at all, I just wanted a reaction tbh.. because when I sent that text about being single , he responded in seconds
he then stopped talking to me the entire day.. (Thanksgiving). I texted him that day at night and said “baby I love you I’m sorry for what I said and I didn’t mean it” and then I said “if you don’t text me back I’m just gonna move on” and he texted me the next morning and just said “I just slept for 16 hours..”. after that I stopped talking to him and it has been about 4 days now (I didn’t even know that we were broken up because I got no closure, he told my friends that we broke up and thats it) and he just texted me saying ” Hey Ashley, I was just talking to my friend and I heard you miss dexter (our dog that we raised together. you are welcome to see him any time you want. I know he is your friend too.” It really made me mad because we still haven’t talked about our relationship, he just randomly brings up the dog. what does this mean? Im staying strong and holding on to the No Contact Rule but I was wondering if there was a meaning about this. is he just being stubborn or is he ready to already move on? We have dated for a year and a half and he cheated on my three months into our relationship but I took him back and we have had a great relationship with just minor bickering because we technically lived together. Thank you so much for your time. I appreciate it so much.

Chris Seiter

November 26, 2018 at 11:10 pm

Hi Ashley! Some guys can be notoriously pig headed and say and do stupid things. Lots of reasons for it. So yes, stay strong with NC and be sure you are implementing it the way I teach it.

Brianna

November 25, 2018 at 6:44 pm

Do you think it is wise to tell them you are going into No contact? It has been a month since the breakup and there have been a lot of extenuating circumstances and back and forth with crazy families and between the two of us. We finally sat down and had a good conversation, there are things I need to fix and he and I have agreed we both don’t know what will happen in the future. We go to school together and have the same friends so I asked if we could remain friends and he said yes, as he knows I really don’t have anyone else. But I realize I need a no contact period to know I can do this alone. I told him that’s what I’m doing and he told me originally I can’t have 30 days without him in my life cause that’s shitty, but then after I told him why I needed it he agreed. Is this okay?

Chris Seiter

November 25, 2018 at 7:21 pm

Yes, sometimes that is a good idea Brianna. I talk about that in my eBook, The No Contact Rule Book (247 pages). Its really a function of many things to consider, but largely if the relationship history has been relatively positive, and communications has been good, then it may be the way to go.

Jacques

October 28, 2018 at 7:24 am

My ex and I have been good friends for over 5 years, but only entered into an LDR a couple of months ago, when she told me she wanted me to be her boyfriend. I have already visited her and met her parents in the past, as just friends. I just spent a week visiting her, I met her extended family, we got physically intimate (which she initiated every step of the way), and had a wonderful time overall. The only real difference between this and our previous friendship was the physical intimacy and the underlying feelings of commitment and partnership. I’ve been in love with her for a long time, but I always tried to hold myself back until she opened up to me. At the end of the week, first thing in the morning, she told me she didn’t love me. That it was all forced. That all the physical contact felt ‘wrong’. That there was no hope in hell of me being her lover. But that she still wanted to be friends. I cried and screamed, I almost had a panic attack. She hugged me and told me she can’t lose me as a friend, as her best friend, but that she will never love me. Something just doesn’t add up. She was so forthcoming and showed me so much spontaneous physical affection. She looked so very happy. And then the very next morning she is crying and saying these things. Her mother seemed rather confused by her actions too. I have made it clear that staying friends will be incredibly hard, if not impossible for me, and her only hope is to take the time to formulate her feelings and tell me what repulsed her as explicitly as possible. Even then, I fear I am just hoping to make this work and don’t think we can ever stay friends. I truly wish we could, but I feel too committed to her as a life partner. Now I have told her she can take all the time she needs, and I await her message. Should I wait until we’ve talked these feelings over before commencing NCR or just go for it from the last message I sent her, which boiled down to “if you want any hope of us staying friends, take all the time you need to try and give me an explanation for this.”?

Chris Seiter

October 28, 2018 at 5:10 pm

Hi Jacques!

It is an odd reaction from your ex….pushing you away in one respect, then pulling you in. Yes, I think you should wait to hear from her before implementing no contact. If you go the NC route later, consider picking up one of my eBooks to help you through this process. I have a lot of resources on my site, so please take advantage!

Mia

October 27, 2018 at 3:31 pm

Me and my ex were in a long distance relationship for a year and a half, he lives in California I live in Germany. When we started dating he was amazing but lately due to his job, stress and moving back home made him distant. I went to visit him in June and I spent two months with him. I would love to say that I enjoyed my time there 100% but it’s not the case. When he took vacation days and we spent 10 days together without him obsessing over work or being tired we were having a great time. But once he started working again it just went downhill. I was spending a lot of time alone, he was working from 7am-7pm, and of course he was tired. I was desperate to try to get him to do something, he wasn’t interested in anything, he wasn’t talking to me about how he feels. After I went home we still decided to keep the relationship going, because we had a plan for the future. Now, when we talked about a month ago it has changed. I kept on hoping he will change his mind but he didn’t. He told me that he doesn’t know how long will he be able to keep this long distance going, and that he feels that our efforts are not moving us anywhere, and that he started seeing calling me as a task. I was desperate. When we talked about it we were both crying and after couple of days I had a meltdown and I started calling him like crazy for two days. Since then we haven’t been talking, and I can’t get over the fact that he didn’t send one single message. I do want to get back together with him.

Chris Seiter

October 28, 2018 at 4:35 am

Hi Mia!

I know it hurts when your ex doesn’t reach out. Have you come up with your ex recovery plan. Go to my website’s Home Page and there you will see lots of resources, tools, books, etc that will help you immensely!

Charlotte

October 16, 2018 at 5:32 pm

Hi,

I have been on and off with my guy for over 2 years. We argue over the same thing all the time, he doesn’t feel the need to contact me all day everyday and I agree, however he is happy to not talk to me for days at a time and wonders why I get upset.
I feel like I’ve been constantly walking around on eggshells and every time I try to tell him that my feelings are hurt and I feel rejected. We live far apart but work together and don’t get to spend huge amounts of time together.
Recently he has been under pressure at work, moving flat and travelling for business. I spoke to him about feeling a bit neglected as it had been 4 weeks since we’d seen each other for more than an hour.
He told me I was selfish and inconsiderate and ended things. I’m gutted.
I don’t even know if the no contact rule will help. I did pretty much borderline beg for him to not end things.I feel very lost and confused about what to do. Please help

Chris Seiter

October 17, 2018 at 12:58 am

Hi Charlotte!

It seems to me that the one that initiates a breakup and accuses their partner of being inconsiderate and selfish have many lessons to learn. NC would be the right move because its main purpose is for you to focus on your own healing and recovery and secondarily on getting your ex back. The two efforts actually work hand in hand. Go pick up one of my eBooks and dive into your ex recovery plan!

Soma

October 16, 2018 at 1:36 pm

Update
Im in my 10 days of no contact.4days ago i ask afriend to bring my stuff back from him and belive me they are very important( golds, clothes and 4000$) i told my friend that he kicked me out his place like i was nothing after 4 years together. It did hurt with all the bad things he said so i shouldn’t go to his place because he kicked me and should someone else bring my stuff. he refused to give them my stuff and early morning next day he text me on whatsapp that i dont need to ask someone to get my things and its fine to ask him and he wrote that me deleting him from snapchat was not necessary but its up to me and i need just to take my things back from him directly and its going to be over and he will not going to give it to anyone else.
I didn’t reply at all so I didn’t break my no contact. Now what should i do?! When i talk to him to get my things back.

And i want to ask about the Facebook private group how i get into it i need link. What to do to be a member in it

Chris Seiter

October 17, 2018 at 1:10 am

Hi Soma!

Thanks for the update. To join my Private Facebook Support Group you have to become a member. You can get access to the Group for free (normally $97) if you attend one of my webinars and then purchase my “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro Premium Package”. Or you can purchase access to the Group separately. Just go to my Home page on this site and you will see the resources I offer.

Carriza

October 12, 2018 at 12:57 am

Hi! My ex boyfriend and I have been together for more than two years. So there’s this girl that I have been ever-so jealous about for more than a year already before we broke up. I was jealous of her because at one point in our relationship, my ex was interested at her. But he ended up still choosing to be with me and like agreeing to all my conditions (like blocking the girl on Facebook and never ever talking to her again). Fast forward to our breakup which was just less than a month ago, three weeks to be exact, I was the one who broke up with him at first because we fought and normally he would just reach out to me and we would make up. But this time, it’s different, when I reached out to him to make up, he refused. So there have been the usual breakup drama (begging, bargaining, and stuff) as well as the (one) calm conversation we had. We agreed that we would give each other space, but just two days after I noticed he is already hitting on the girl I’ve been jealous of all this time.

I started no contact after that since he became so mad at me when I asked him about this girl. He even said he does not love me anymore.

I am only through my 12th day of no contact and although he has not reached out to me through Facebook messages, we bumped into each other twice already and he was so nice to me. Like asking me how I am and being the cool and happy guy he is. I basically am cold to him when he tries to start a talk and I noticed that he became sad about it. But there’s also the question of whether he is sad about our breakup or he is sad about the new woman. My friends adviced me to talk to him already because he is vulnerable but I refuse because I feel like I am not ready yet. Am I doing the right thing? I am planning to go for the 30 day Rule since he is not reaching out to me via messages. Help me out please. Thank you

Chris Seiter

October 12, 2018 at 3:02 am

Hi Carriza!

Usually its better to complete NC, but there are some exceptions. And it depends on several factors. It get into all this in my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”. Its a special section in the book that goes over 6 key factors and what I call the golden factor which impacts whether you should cut short your NC

Lara Jean

October 9, 2018 at 4:47 pm

Chris,

Me ex boyfriend and I were together for 5 years. We broke up a week and a half ago. I immediately implemented NC and have not broken it. But I’m still mourning. I think I need to grieve more before trying to become an ungettable girl. Is it okay to extend No Contact so that I can take time to just heal and feel okay again?

Chris Seiter

October 10, 2018 at 2:12 am

Hi Lara Jean!

I know its hard. Yes, extending NC until you feel your are ready is fine. It is a highly adaptable principle. Consider picking up my ebook, “The No Contact Rule Book” as I have a great deal of information in there that deals with the healing and recovery process.

Sam

October 8, 2018 at 8:31 pm

I am currently in my second week of no contact after a month long horrible breakup with a lot of back and forth, sadness, and anger. I’m not sure I’m going to get him back, but I am hopeful that I’m taking the right steps to do so. My ex has a baby picture of me that my family gave him as a joke, but I want it back because it’s sentimental. Would I be breaking no contact to ask if he still has it and if I can get it back? Or should I wait until NC ends?

Chris Seiter

October 9, 2018 at 12:36 am

Hi Sam!

Great job getting to the 2nd week. The picture should be fine, right? So just wait until after NC. You might want to use that as a lead in to resuming contact when its time.

Soma

October 7, 2018 at 2:23 pm

Hi
My 4 years bf broke up with me 5 days ago. He said he have enough of me and i cant control him. The problem is he stated to be out of radar one night in each week for 3 months the rest of the day he was normal with me. I told him that its not a good thing to ignor my text and call one night every week. I was always texting and calling at this night.he told me theres nothing to worry about. I didnt believe him. One night before the break up he did the same.i called and text and he he responded after long time because he was telling me that he was busy with his family but this night i knew his family was out of the twon. I was with his brother gf. She called him and surprise he answerd because there work between them and I heard songs guys talking and girls.i decided to go over his place he wasnt there but he found out and get angry.next day he try to make me say the truth and i said it wasnt me.at night I decided to tell him the truth and i did .then he broke up with me because i did that but i know him it wasnot The only reason he is a leo it was also cause i i found out in a tricky way thats his way when i found him doing wrong he roar like a lion and try to breaking up with me. In the first two days i try to contact him and sent a lot of text and explaining why i did it with apologies he ignored me.then i pulled away and it was only gd morning text he ignore me.yesterday he send an angry texts and said at the end its over and i need to move on. I start no contacts today but my qestion is he few monthes ago had fight with me and said lets have a break.i didnt care and went out to parties.he got made at me and then he ask me to turn on my location on at snapchat for him.i did to get his trust and now should i turn it off or not?!. We have been alot of problems this years with my family and his. He said he will give me my stuff back but he didn’t till now. So should i wait for this move since he didnt do anything but ignoring cause maybe he will calm and contact me again or I should do it ?! And if I shouldn’t should i wait for him or I contact him first.. he’s a leo has a huge ego and pride

Chris Seiter

October 7, 2018 at 9:51 pm

Hi Soma!

4 years together is a good thing. That creates traction and that can help you in the future. I think its usually better to keep the social media lines of communication open. You can leverage that going forward to re-attract. Don’t worry about your stuff, unless there is something significant you need. You really should pick up my eBook (Pro) considering the questions you have so that you understand the entire program I teach and how to best implement no contact and all the other things.

Maria Evelyn Rosique

September 22, 2018 at 9:29 am

Chris
From December until june 2, 2018 was our solid romantic relationship.We lived together. We shared finances. After those months he changed. He abruptly changed. He worked 3 hours from me if we travelled. He regularly went home in his day off every first 15 days and 2nd 15 days of each month. Therefore he regularly spent with me solid every month for 9 months…as I said he changed started june 2018. I sensed he started pulling away. He seldom calls and texts…if i called he got angry..if i texted he rarely reply. If he said he will call me back , he didnt….until i started questioning. Overtexting….overcalling…i didnt nagged or yelled in phone. Then everything turns to worst. Starting in middle of august till september 2018 he started to went home but only in the first15 days every month. askined him if theres someone new. I kept reading in the internet about signs of cheating and i saw it in him. But he denied and freakout. Until recently , i started stalking of his hidden account cause i was suspicious that its their common account. I started to talked and all questions in my mind before were answered. I saw the woman while we video chat and when i asked her if whats her relation to my boyfriend by only telling her his name she answered was her boyfrthed and they are living together in a boarding house. I asked her where her boyfriend work she cant answer because she dont know..I then concluded my boyfriend cheated on me….i didnt informed my boyfriend anymore about what i discovered . i started immediately the no contact. My questions are do I made a right decision to do no contact? Is that woman now a rebound relationship based on the timeline I shared to you? Thank you for answering

Chris Seiter

September 23, 2018 at 4:50 pm

Hi Maria!

I am glad you started NC. Focus on your healing and recovery activities that will make you feel better. You can pick up my eBook, “Pro” or “The No Contact Rule Book” and it will walk you through my program!

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6,801 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”