The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,801 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Sarah

April 13, 2021 at 7:23 am

Hey,
I really hope someone replies. Is it too late for me to go no contact?

I broke up with her last Wednesday after 3 great years and then a hard month of her pulling away suddenly, saying she doesn’t want us to break up, but treating me really badly. On the first night, I messaged her a few times being really upset and wanting her back.
I found out about attachment theories on Friday and stopped messaging, but then on Saturday I sent her a long email basically spelling out what happened as I saw it, what hurt when she changed, and saying that I was going to try to move on (but for a little while would be open to hearing from her if she actually wanted to work things out because our relationship was wonderful beforehand).

Didn’t contact until yesterday when I sent another part to the email, apologising for some of my anxious behaviours during and leading up to the breakup, and acknowledging that they may have been too much for her.

I’ve only just found this site and now I’m worried that by sending a whole email so soon after we broke up saying I was trying to move on, that the no contact will be ineffective now because I’ve told her I won’t message her again for a while. Does it still work if you’ve already let them know you won’t be initiating contact?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 21, 2021 at 9:00 pm

Hi Sarah, no it is not too late to go into a NC but it important that you stick to it! In that time you need to work on yourself and show that you are sticking with it, I would suggest that you complete a 45 day NC as you told your ex that you wouldn’t be reaching out

Jenny

March 20, 2021 at 6:12 am

He left me due to Low self esteem , he said he can’t give me what I want and won’t be able to make me happy as he lost his job and his current new job paycheck was only half of his original paycheck. We broke off .
I went no contact first attempt for 7 days and broke it off on day 7 as he text me so working urgent and I have to reply as it’s regards to some financial issues.

After we talk for 2 days ,he say he can’t think of anything as his job is too stressful. he ask if we could give each other some space and I agreed .

today , Day 17 of no contact second attempt , he text me again and say that
“ I just wanna tell you that I miss you so much and I dream about you, please do take care and I just wanna said I love you so much and I can’t forget you at all.”he end the text with sleep well ,take care and I love you a lot .

I did not reply because I am so afraid of falling in the same trap again and getting hurt and to start all over again. I don’t know why is he texting me this and what I am suppose to do .
Ellie

March 17, 2021 at 7:27 am

My ex just broke up with me because he didn’t see a future. We had temporarily been in a LDR because of graduation but he recently moved a lot closer to me. He seemed really intent on remaining friends or it being a positive end. Is there hope if I leave him alone and work on me?

We were best friends for many years before we got together. I think the fact we’ve both got lots of changes happening and that we were forced to be apart for so long was the perfect storm for him to not have the motivation to carry on. Has anyone got any advice?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 3, 2021 at 8:11 pm

Hey Ellie if he is feeling under pressure and that he is struggling to cope with the things going on with his life then it totally makes sense that he chooses to end a relationship. You need to start following the program step one being the no contact period, during which you need to be working on yourself.

Robin

March 12, 2021 at 5:28 am

Hi,
I really hope you would reply to me. I came to know about this program 3 days ago and after reading your articles I really have hopes to get my ex back. So i broke up with my bf a year ago and we were having a long distance relationship…so at that time i didn’t know about the no contact rule so…I messaged and called him thousands of times and he had to block me. For 6 months he blocked me and unblocked me when I pleaded. I think after few weeks after that I called him to tell some good things that were happening to me. He reacted in a positive way. And after few weeks after that I called him to give him my new number. For a month(in Oct 2020),we texted and I was the one initiating most of the time (but the bad thing is i always bring the break up thing and ask him if he wants to get back together and he would be pissed by that.). In Nov he deleted my contact out of the blue and again i called and messaged him thousands of times and in the end of Nov he started texting me again, he told me he was busy with all his assignment and exam (he was attending a 3 months coarse at that time). And again we started to text for 2 and half months and I was the one initiating the message most of the time. Now he started to ghost me again.
I have to admit that I had been clingy and taking things too fast. At the beginning he gave me positive replies and then slowly it became neutral responses and now ghosting.(at that point i didn’t know about the no contact rule or value ladder).
So should i do the no contact rule and start trying again with the value ladder strategy. I would also like to know the timeperiod of the NC rule i should be taking.
Jenny

February 19, 2021 at 7:26 pm

Can this work for some who was not in a relationship , but now catch feelings ? I just want to get over him. He gave me an idea he was into me but wasn’t serious enough to be with me. Now he in a long distance relationship with someone that I find out dew days ago. I’m hurt of course . I just need to heal myself because I feel so stupid. I feel like wasted my time especially being a 27 year old .

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

February 19, 2021 at 8:27 pm

Hi Jenny, you need to start following the program that starts with a no contact period of 45 days and then follow the being there method.

Hannah

February 18, 2021 at 2:22 pm

Hi. This guy wasn’t my ex, but we were dating for 5 months so a dating person thingy. He ended it in a really loving way saying he’s just not ready, wants to take a step back from all dating aspects but wants to stay as friends. He then proceeded to text me constantly for the next 24 hours asking if I was ok, and I eventually responded with one single message that said I needed time to get over him first, before becoming friends. He replied saying “speak soon”. A day later I received a bunch of flowers from him. I said a simple thank you and began the no contact. Its now been 9 days, where we’ve not spoken. I’ve not stalked him, deleted his number and bought a journal to write all the things I wish I could say to him.
I do want him as a friend, eventually, when I’m over him. He was so awesome and I’ve never met anyone who shares the same amount of interests as me. Will the no contact rule be damaging to his offer of friendship?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

February 19, 2021 at 2:06 pm

Hi Hannah taking a short NC will be fine as you have told him you need some space to get adjusted to no longer dating, in that time if you work to become ungettable he may realise he made a mistake letting you go rather than taking things seirously.

Broken Hearted

February 17, 2021 at 2:34 pm

I was with my ex for almost 4 years. We knew each other and were very close friends for nearly 20 years before we started dating. We talked about marriage, kids, and our future a lot. We lived together and were about to move together to a different state. I believe he got cold feet because he couldn’t give me a real reason for ending things. Just that I deserved more, and he had “a feeling” and he wasn’t ready for marriage and didn’t know if he’d ever be. We stayed in touch for 5 months post breakup and I just started NC. Do I have a chance? I still very much want to be with him. He still says he loves me and cares about me.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

February 17, 2021 at 4:44 pm

Hey there, yes there is a chance but you need to be sure that you use this time to work towards being Ungettable and showing your ex that he has made a mistake. At times when you feel things are getting more serious, often people start to question themselves and if there is better out there, this is grass is greener syndrome. Check this article about the grass is greener syndrome – https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/the-grass-is-greener-syndrome-for-ex-boyfriends/

Emma Johnson

February 7, 2021 at 4:53 pm

Hi. Its has been 37 days since I reached out to my ex. I sent him a friendly text him one time on the week of January and received no response from him. I have not fully contact my ex after sending him one time text on January 2021. The question is how long is too long to stay in no contact rule? In the past, During no contact, I have always work on myself. Of course, he would respond back to my texts in a month. Right now, he does not seems responsive and open like he was in the past. The truth is I know what I want. I want a healthy reconciliation with my ex. I am very interested and willing to reconnect and rekindle a healthy relationship and friendship with my ex but I am not sure if my ex is interested in reconnecting and rekindling with me for a healthy relationship and friendship.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

February 7, 2021 at 9:15 pm

Hi Emma, we suggest that you do not go over the 66 day of solid NC

Love

January 17, 2021 at 5:33 pm

I am currently in the texting phase after no contact with my ex BF. We broke up over the Holidays over something very petty. He didn’t like how I approached a situation and I didn’t like his response and it all blew out of proportion. I went no contact for just over 30 days after he told me to never contact him again. I sent an email of something I knew that I Interest him and he replied with Thanks. 5 days later I asked for his advice. He replied with a lengthy response with helping me. Than I sent another email days later with some good news about what’s happening in my life and he replied with saying how great it was and that he will support my project. So I decided to text him this time a day later from the email to ask him for help again. He didn’t reply until 5 hours later and in the reply he said he was sorry for missing my call. Than he corrected himself and said text for getting back to me so late and told me he was working. I kind of took that message as it would have been ok to call him. But instead, I sent a cute message in response. No reply. Than I sent a memory text of our last time having fun together with a picture of just him that I took. He loved it and replied with being happy about that I took the photo. I asked him if he wanted other photos I took of him like it. He said, “Sure.” I sent them and he was very happy about it. Than he told me that he was about to get some work done and his phone would be off for the next couple of hours. Now I’m feeling stuck as to what to do next. I really want to talk to him but I have not figured out how to do that just yet. I would really like for him to initiate a text or suggest a call with me 1st. Any suggestions.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

January 18, 2021 at 9:36 pm

Hi L it sounds as if you are doing the right things, but I think your interactions are too invested on your part. You need to attempt to match his word count or lower. And as for him reaching out or asking to call you, then look at the advice texts that Chris suggests you send so that he can call you to explain something to you.

Mai

January 14, 2021 at 6:04 pm

Hi,

Does no contact work for a long distance thing where you never officially dated, but they led you on for 4-5 months and then told you they still have feelings for their ”ex” and only see you as a good friend and doesn’t think meeting in person will change anything? I told him someone else asked me on a date and he seemed to not care but sounded annoyed.

He never met his ex in person and it sounded like he is just idolising a fantasy, she has a kid with someone else now and lives in another country, and his friend told me that she was never interested in him, just the only girl who ever gave him any time or attention except for me. It is extremely unlikely they will get back together.

He was super romantic and keen in the beginning, posted me jewellery, wanted to drive 8 hours to me (but couldn’t because of covid) and always wanted to spend time with me playing online games, spent the holidays doing that, etc. He would always come to me/invite me to games and voice chat if I didn’t speak to him for 4-5 days, even after his romantic interest seemed to dwindle. He stopped flirting but would go along when I tried to flirt or plan to visit him instead.

I was willing to travel to meet him, but can’t due to covid. I decided to delete him from everything except Facebook which I have stopped posting on and he never posts on. I am extremely heartbroken as I sent him a Christmas gift that contained a letter asking him to wait for me, and he probably received this a day after our fight. I hope he feels terrible and I hope that if I disappear, he will realize what he has lost. He seemed to want all the benefits of companionship and emotional support without commitment, and now I am taking that away. Appearing offline too so he will have no trace of me and has no idea what I am doing.

Am I doing the right thing? I am hoping with NC he will either wake up eventually and maybe we can meet when covid has calmed down, or I will just forget he exists.
Kathleen

January 12, 2021 at 5:26 pm

Clarification please about breaking no contact to get my stuff back – the things of mine that are at his house are important to me, however I can live without them for a while. Should I initiate contact to ask for them back, or wait until the no-contact period is up?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

January 13, 2021 at 7:45 pm

If you can live without them, wait until your NC period is over.

Amy

December 16, 2020 at 1:55 pm

Hi all. So,this guy and I have been seeing each other and texting for a year long (long distance). We have had our issues and each time have worked through things and came back to each other. I have met his family and friends. Out of the blue I get the message that he has met someone who he wants to give a chance. Its a friend of his. But he also said that he does love me and cares a lot for me and doesnt want me out of his life. He enjoys physical touch and doing things together. Obviously its a bit difficult for me with the long distance.
Im so confused on what to do. I do love him and when we do spend time together,its great.
Would you recommend the 30 day no contact? Do you tell him you need space and start the no contact? What do you do if he responds to your social media posts? What if he sends you Christmas/New year messages? Do you respond?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

December 28, 2020 at 8:04 pm

Hi Amy, yes go into a no contact, but you need to do so for 45 days. I would not explain yourself you just need to go into a NC and work on yourself and through the articles on this website to help you. Ignore all messages and contact if you are in your 45 days NC

Jen

December 5, 2020 at 11:25 am

My ex and I broke up a month ago. I started the no contact rule, after two weeks he sent me photos, songs that meant a lot to us. I ignored it all. Then he started messaging me telling me I was cold and have no emotion. Called me a bunch of times. In the end I answered. He asked me to come over because he missed me. I refused unless he gave me something substantial to work with. Told me he loves me misses me. I told him not to contact me again because he couldn’t say he was going to fix it. After all. He broke up with me. He made brief contact about my son. And that was it. What do I do? I haven’t physically contacted him myself for a month. But I have responded when I felt a need to. Do I start the 30 no contact now ?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

December 14, 2020 at 9:30 pm

Hi Jen, yes you need to start your No Contact again, his reaction is normal and it shows he is panicking about losing you. He lost the power since he broke up with you and you chose to ignore him. Start again and be sure to stay strong with your 30 days NC this time around.

Courtney Evans

November 29, 2020 at 9:56 am

Hello,

My bf of 1.5yrs broke up with me 3 days ago. When he broke up with me he said he didn’t think that we were right together and that he didn’t trust me. I can honestly say I never did anything for him to not trust me.. maybe it’s his on insecurities I’m not sure? After the break up he messaged my mum and told her that we had broken up and that I would need her support.

The reason for the break up is that he was sick of bickering and arguing. We were but it was always over the same thing – I wanted to spend time with him and he wanted to hang with his friends. He told me that I didn’t respect his space to be with his friends.

When he broke up I was crying and begged him not to go. He cried too and told me he still cared about me. Then he left. I haven’t messaged or called since then. I still have him on social media but I’ve deleted the app so I’m not going online anymore. His mentioned that he broke up with an ex before and after a few weeks came back to her. So I’m hoping the same thing happens with me.

I’m so confused because the night before he invited me to have dinner. He greeted me on the day of the break up with a kiss and bought me food. There were no signs leading up to it. I’m so so confused I want him back. I love him.
Anna

November 24, 2020 at 11:32 am

I was dating a guy for 3-4 months, due to no progress and him saying he was unsure about me, I ended it with him. We did not have contact for 3 months. He then contacts me and says he misses me, and wants to try again. We meet up and talks about it, and I ask him if he is sure about me, and really likes me, and he says yes. He then says as we have not seen each other for 3 months, that it would be nice/best to just see each other again for a month before being boyfriend/girlfriend and so. So we continue from where we left. Then a month goes by and I find out he is on tinder, and getting matches. I confront him about it and confront him about the status of our relation, and he says that he will be happy to delete his tinder and invest more in the realtionsship, but he is a bit unsure about me and not ready to be official. I then end it with him, says that he should please let me move on and deletes him on Facebook. It has now been two weeks with no contact… Will the no contact work, and make him want to be official? And how long would I do no contact for?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

January 6, 2021 at 10:18 pm

Hi Anna, I would suggest that you follow the 30 day no contact plan for now and see if you can work on yourself in that time and follow the articles to understand the program enough to reach out at the end of your 30 days, if not then go to 45.

Mary

October 27, 2020 at 1:43 am

Hi. My boyfriend and I dated for 2.5 years. We broke up a month ago.

The break up During the quarentine he leaved in my apt for 3 months. In june 2020 he got really depressed, started medication and counseling. Two months after that he was in better shape. But then I started questioning him why he had moved back into his apt after quarentine. It was like we were moving backwards, I felt reject, and said i wanted sometime to think. He agreed and one week after he broke up with me.

When he was breaking up, He said he was too depressed to be in a relationahip, that i was perfect, but he had to break uo to recover, he said it was too much pressure.

When he was breaking up, I sort of begged him not to. After that, I engaged in very little contact with him (Just item exchange; wishing him happy birthday). He is always polite on replying, but he never engages in Conversation.

Now I have been doing total NC for 10 days.

How long should my total NC last?
The fact that he is going through a depression crisis change anything? Thanks!!!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 28, 2020 at 5:33 am

Hey Mary, I would suggest that you follow it for minimum 30 days, but maybe 45 if he is going to need some more time working on himself. You need to spend your NC working on yourself so that you are the best version of yourself when it is time to reach out to your ex.

Cassie

October 20, 2020 at 9:43 pm

My boyfriend (who i also lived with) broke up with me for real about 5 weeks ago. (The first time was in july but he cried and said that same day that “it doesn’t feel right to do this, i don’t want to leave you, so we gave it another go and tried to work on it, tho everything was fine between us, no fighting or stuff like that, just love, adventures and laughter between us. 2 weeks prior to that “breakup” he told me that he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me.) Anyway, now about 5 weeks ago he told me that he was no longer in love with me. We were together for 1,5 years and was really starting to plan the future, talking about buying a house and stuff like that. He now wants us to stay friends and quote “i don’t wanna lose you, i want you in my life”… Should i do the NC on him and if that’s the case, for how long?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 22, 2020 at 9:15 pm

Hi Cassie, yes follow the rules of no contact, I would suggest that you follow it for 30 and assess if you want to extend to 45 at that time, work on yourself in the mean time to become the best version of yourself. Read the articles that apply to your situation so that you can understand what you need to do in each step.

Anonymous

October 20, 2020 at 4:12 am

My boyfriend of 4 years told me he needs time to be alone and doesn’t know how long. He said he felt pressured. My mother showed him an engagement ring and he took it. He had it for a month the last week of that month he started acting distant. All of a sudden he was confused and needed time to be alone. Feels pressure. He has not initiated any contact in three weeks. I reached out to him twice about belongings. I’m not sure what to do in this scenario. We spoke about marriage and children and were very happy before the ring came in to play. At least I thought so. Any advice would be great.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 24, 2020 at 11:05 pm

Hi there, it is not uncommon for people to get scared and back out at these times, the best thign you can do is not apply more pressure. Take a step back and let them decide for themselves what they want, follow the rules of NC if you are not living together and how you just go about your own life with your friends and family, make sure that you follow the rules of no contact for 30 days before you attempt to speak with your ex again.

c

October 8, 2020 at 1:26 am

Hello,
my ex and I recently broke up. We have been dating almost 2 years. We both came from toxic relationships and I don’t think hes over how they treated him. We got into a huge fight since we are both stressed. He needs to figure out his financial situation and school and money and he keeps pushing me away. We haven’t spoken much in a couple weeks the only one I did was asking for my stuff back. We did talk a bit before that and I said I was sorry but then he said we were done because we were fighting so much but I know it’s mostly from his side since he tends to take stuff out on me. I don’t want anyone else but him, I love him immensley but I don’t know if we just both need space but I am scared that he will move on without me and with someone else.
Steph

October 1, 2020 at 9:40 pm

My boyfriend of 3½ (almost 4) years broke up with me because he said I was controlling, toxic and manipulative. I never was to be honest, he only said that because I used to tell him to be careful with any girls in college (since there are some people who don’t care about other’s relationships and will try meddling into it and take him from me), to always try to contact me(texting, calling, videochat, etc.), to please let me see his phone whenever he was starting to act a bit off(he changed his behavior once he began College) and when he found out about some of my securities.

But he makes up this scenarios where he believes I used to tell him to not talk to girls, to avoid them, and to not be their friend. I never told him that. He also believes that I told him to never go to any college events and activities (because he thinks I wouldn’t like that). He also believes that I didn’t trust him(I really do trusted him, but my insecurities made him think I didn’t). I also have this fear of abandonment so, whenever he wanted to leave me (and this was a behavior I changed and stopped doing because I knew it was wrong), I used to threaten him with suicide and tell him that I will hurt myself.

I only did that because I wanted to see that he cares about me and because I was afraid of being abandoned since I have a lot of trauma from my past. I completely stopped doing this on time because it was wrong and because I wanted to be a better person. So, in my part, I changed.

On the other hand, I felt as if I was putting in most of the effort and he wasn’t. That’s one of the reasons why I was getting emotionally and mentally drained, and I felt like he didn’t care about me enough.

He has this chinese friend who was a little too too friendly with him. She was sending him selfies and texting him so much. Every time I used to tell him that I was starting to see her intentions, he got defensive and said that her behavior was “normal” as a friend. Then when I talk to the girl, she told me she had an interest in him because he was very studious (and he could help her get good grades, so it wasn’t a romantic interest (?)). Either way, I felt threatened by her.

I personally believe she should have known the boundaries in the relationship. If a guy who has a girlfriend has a female friend, the female friend should know the difference between being a friend with a single guy and a friend with a taken guy. You can’t be all huggy and touchy with a taken guy because obviously the guy’s girlfriend won’t like that. She can do that with a single guy if she wanted to but she wasn’t willing to respect my relationship…and my ex was very naive to see her intentions.

He wanted me to trust him and I finally did but he never believed I did. I actually always trusted him but I was finally able to trust him completely the way it should have been and the way he wanted me to.

I believe we’ve been in no contact since the end of August (August 28th maybe) (to around September 1st Maybe…or September 9th)…all I know is that it hasn’t been too long since NC(maybe three weeks or three and a half). He contacted me on September 17th asking if I’m doing okay. I didn’t respond. He still texts me and now calls me, but I just don’t respond.

We were really committed in this relationship but he changed a lot. He doesn’t like it when anyone tells him what to do, he’s self-centered, he always thinks he’s right, and he was mentally and emotionally abusive. He just doesn’t want to admit that he was abusive and showed a few narcissistic behaviors.

We both had problems in the relationship but I was willing to change and he wasn’t.
I forgave him because I cared about him…and now I don’t know what to do.

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6,801 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”