The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,801 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

maria oliva

June 1, 2016 at 9:05 pm

My boyfriend broke up with me on may 1st after and argument where I was very emotional and just pushed and pushed, said alot of things that i didnt mean until he finally broke up with me. I begged him to make it work I asked him for a month to show him that i truly cared and I could be exactly what he was looking for. that time didnt go well he told me he was doing it for my sake that he had already made a decision and that he dint love me and there was nothing I could do. The ironic part is we have been together for 3 years and each year around the same time he dumps me has his fun and then we get back together but it seems like the pattern repeats. I love him I do and I want him back but i dont want the pattern to keep repeating. I have initiated the no contact rule, never done that before, always stuck around. we really were great together, our biggest problem was that i felt he was cold at times and when i tried to explain to him he thought i was “bitching” what is your advice do you think there is a chance??

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 12, 2016 at 3:33 am

Hi Maria oliva,

what’s with the same time every year? What’s the event? That’s good that you started nc this time.. And this time focus on having your own routine and improving yourself. This time, try to have your own life.. I’m not saying you don’t but of course you don’t have the activities that you will make you improve this time and will make you busy.. when you keep improving in your own life, that’s when you become interesting for others.

Rosa

June 1, 2016 at 7:42 pm

Hey
I broke up with my ex of five months five days ago. From reading the website I think he is ‘punishing’ me as he has not been in contact. I need to make clear though that he broke up with me three times before, the last time when I was very unwell. He has always been distant in the relationship – and we live about 60 miles apart. I had to text him about some things I’d left at his and asking that he send them to me. He was short and curt in his reply and didn’t even mention the break up text I sent him. BTW it was a really nice text wishing him well and saying that we’d had a good time. He’d always stated that he never saw a future for us so I did put that in the text. We remain friends on facebook. I want to do the NC – but is it worth it? Or should I just remove him from facebook?

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 12, 2016 at 2:42 am

Hi Rosa,

I just want to check. You said he has always been distant and he’s doing this to punish you? It sounds to me that you’re being emotionally neglected and that you’re chasing him.. are you sure you want to get back with him?

Jena

June 1, 2016 at 2:35 am

Hello! My BF is going through a divorce and dealing with depression as well. He would text and call me once a day, but it wasn’t enough for me, I wanted to see each other more than once a week if even that. 3 days ago we had an argument, more him than me in this instance… anyway, he made the comment in text that he’s not capable of anything and needs to be alone. I have not contacted him and he’s made no attempt to contact me. Will No Contact work here in light of the situation? Or will he just move Ina’s he’s dealing with his divorce? I’m very distraught and upset as heads ethics distancing thing before, and it usually blows over after 1-2 days but this seems different this time. Appreciate some insight here. Thanks!

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 11, 2016 at 7:46 am

Hi Jena,

he’s dealing with a lot of things at once.. I don’t want to sound like I’m attacking you, but in his situation now, your demands will sound like another responsibity.. give him space for now and let him deal with his problems and his self healing first

Bella

May 31, 2016 at 8:26 pm

Hi,

My ex broke up with me about 20 or so days ago, I have contacted him twice since we ended, very short 2-3 line conversations. He hasn’t blocked me on anything yet, neither have I. Is there still chance? Do I have to re-start the no contact rule?

Bella

June 1, 2016 at 2:28 am

I love him more than he loved me, i allowed him to have full control of the relationship. It mainly ended because I acted needy
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 1, 2016 at 1:40 am

Hi Bella,

Yeah, I think there is still a chance. WHy did you break up? And yes, you have to restart count.

m

May 31, 2016 at 3:02 pm

My girlfriend broke up with me a month ago. We agreed to implement no contact for 2 months. Though difficult, it has had a very positive effect on me in terms of allowing me to reflect, gain perspective and get my own life plan in order. I still miss her of course but also feel the need to continue on my own path and be true to myself in terms of career, being happy as an independent person, etc. Is it prudent to reach out and send her an update as to where I am heading and how the breakup/relationship has allowed me to gain perspective.

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 31, 2016 at 9:20 pm

Hi M,

nope. Actually when both of you agreed to do no contact, it lessened the chance for her to miss you because she knows you will be gone for two months.. so, don’t message her, to make her wonder what you’ve been up to lately.

Robin

May 31, 2016 at 2:12 pm

I messed up and I’m wondering if i can recover from it. So I have to explain fully sorry if it will be too long.

I was in a the relationship for almost two years, my relationship started becoming a drain to me as many small arguments were blowing into big ones. While he was unaffected by it and going strong i started to see all the negatives in the relationship because it was frustrating.

I took sometime for myself ‘break” and I also went out with friends and had fun including a male friend that liked me, unknown to him. I was not unfaithful (physically) but he found out I went out and was broken hearted. He said I couldn’t be trusted and was furious and all the drama just led to me feeling flustered once again “I’m not even interested in the guy u are overreacting” were my thoughts at the time and i felt like here we are again facing more negativity.

This didn’t make us better it made things worse. While i knew how much i loved him and refused to let go thinking we could always fix things sometime, i was basically emotionally absent in my relationship for the past three months. I left him hanging, while i was focusing on my friends and my career and my life.

WELLLL GUESS WHAT? I pushed him straight into the arms of another woman, he said I was not around when he needed me the most there were nights he even cried but things have changed. He is moving on now with someone else who he has really grown to like because they were there for him. He said we can be friends and he’d always care and love me there is no hate in his heart.

It hit me, i had been taking his love for granted and was so selfish that I was about to pay by losing my best friend to another woman. Since i had been so absent, I immediately started trying so hard, and putting in the efforts that he needed all along, I messaged all the time, cook for him everything, but he said I should have been doing it all along it was too late. He said that has already led her on, he is not a player and I had a fair chance and now she’s getting one and that is the girl he is with. He spends all his time with her now and i feel helpless. I’m not sure if trying so hard has pushed him more to her but I’m swimming in regret.

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 31, 2016 at 9:07 pm

Hi Robin,

Oh regret, it’s one of the hardest feelings to feel.. The good thing I see is that at least you showed him you can change and then maybe when they get to the point after the honey moon period, he might think of you and think of the last efforts you’ve done, but the reality is, that would take time. I think what you did is just enough to plant the seed but if you do it more, he would be protective of his current relationship. So, that means you have to distance yourself from them for now out of respect.

kayla

May 30, 2016 at 3:00 am

Hi,
after talking to my ex one night last week for the first time since the “final” parting (3 weeks before) he text me a few days later with a random question. I replied i did not know and that was it.
After finding this website and purchasing the guide i initiated no contact for myself.
My question is will he contact me durring this time? The guide and this post state the importance of not replying etc but how do we know if he will contact me? He expresses that he is there if i need to talk etc but says hes “happy” (having fun with little responsibility) and that he doesnt want to be together.

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 31, 2016 at 1:11 pm

Hi Kayla,

we can’t know for sure.. YOu can base it with how your break up went and how you were before doing no contact. If you were texting before it, it’s likely that he will message you.

Mr. Lonel

May 29, 2016 at 7:37 am

Dear EBR team,

My BF left me for another guy, I begged , but i found this No Contact Rule on your site, and decided to follow it , i really want him back. Shall I continue?

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 31, 2016 at 7:20 am

Hi Mr. Lonel,

No contact’s purpose is to help you heal and be more emotionally stable and for you to have time to start improving yourself.. so, it’s better if you continue.

Ebony

May 27, 2016 at 11:15 pm

I meet my now ex at Wrk he is my manager.We started texting in the beginning it was causual an I held back on sex for the first month or two being that I wanted to understand/get to know him.He wasn’t seeing anyway at the time so eventually he was coming over everyday/night even if it was just to give me a kiss.At Wrk constantly checking on me making sure I was OK an everythig .One night he ended up staying over an we had sex.I was nervous because he initiated it but I allowed due to reasonable circumstances n time frame we where talking he initiated a relationship right after .Everything was good he still was texting day n an out n coming over than I noticed a female coworker was constantly around him so I asked him about he said it was nothing Wrk related so I brushed it off.but still notices they where always around each other .so being that i actually talk to her I flat out told her like hey you know me an Brian are dating she said no we where on the verge of going out till I had a car accident .I confronted him while she was there an he pretty much had nothing to say but he was sry …we stop taking for like a day..n I textd him saying i still want this .I only seen light at the end because it was nothing sexual…so we cont. To talk one day while picking him up I seen a female come out the house which later turned out to b his ex of four years n they have a house together that’s y she is still there now I wanted to meet her to ensure they didn’t have nothing still going on so I told him to tell her about me n than set something up for us to meet. He stated he told her I didn’t believe him so I messages her .she stated he did tell her n she didn’t care to meet n they had nothing going on she was just because she saw us kissing n knew they relationship was official over on the terms of trying to make it Wrk later.I left it alone.But still question it in the back of my mind later I hacked his fb to see her meaaageing him sexual videos of her I was hysterical not only that he was message a few other s whom is from his past n one he never meet but known for years .I confronted him he say the message was old ….n that he was on the verge of getting rid of them …n that he already cut of tons of others since we been talking ….so I was mad let it go n had suspioaon the final straw I hacked his fb …n seen another video of him actual fuxking the ex whom he stay with he said it was old …I saw a female of his past he known for years who was actual was at the house while the ex wasn’t there now the message didn’t state anything sexual he admit he invited her back with the intentions of having sex he had one LST one whom he been known n stated to her he miss her n her lips n her mouth …..he say it was entertainment for him on y he did at the point I threatens to damage the house I messaged all the chicks n told them about me n that point wen we where talking about it I attempted to hit him n shoved me away …I guess he was done at that point I explained to him that he caused it n I was reacting out of anger n fuatration an I still wanted to work on it he said no n stood firm we talk for a good hr or so…..so after telling him I love him n tries to get him to c his wrong doing he still said no give him space n at the end of July we probably can try again ….I left him alone n I noticed he post some it on Feb n lied n said it was wen the whole thing first started but it was actually this mornign….he was mad someone told me n block me but I blocked him to this time n wen I unblocked him I notice he had unblock me ….I still want him I want us to Wrk I love him but I just don’t know at this point n on top of it all I can’t avoid 45 days of not saying nothing to him because he is my manager…

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 30, 2016 at 7:27 am

Hi Ebony,

move on from him.. Be civil at work, if you can transfer do so.. but you have to open your eyes.. he’s not serious with you and he’s a player..

Mila

May 27, 2016 at 10:33 am

Hi EBR team,

I wrote few days back, but did not get a reply. Please help
kimia

May 26, 2016 at 1:43 pm

hi 🙂
so i’m kinda confused about one thing,and that is if ex boyfriend texted during NC am i allowed to answer him? or i just have to ignore him for 30 days?especialy in my case that my birthday is coming and i wonder what to do if he text or contact me.thank u <3

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 29, 2016 at 12:46 pm

Hi Kimia,

sorry for the late reply. I have to make some things clear because I’m not sure I understand. He broke up with you but you suggested to go to therapy? Have you started going to therapy but you started no contact?
And I”m sorry, for now, credit card is the only option for payment.

Star

May 26, 2016 at 12:09 pm

Hi,

I am currently using the No Contact Rule on my ex boyfriend. I told him that I did not want to be friends, that we should go our separate ways so ee could really move on. Less than a week now from last Friday. He called and messaged me last Sunday. To which I didn’t respond or contact him back, but read the message.

He called me and messaged again yesterday afternoon, Wednesday the 25th. I read the message late.

This morning, he messages again and says, “I see you read the message and guess you don’t want to reply. Guess its really over then. Goodbye and take good care of yourself. ”

I’m assuming he didn’t know that I read his first message.

What should I do now?

I want him back and to make it work. Should I wait to see what he does, or contact him?

Making him sweat or fear losing me and wanting to get back together is the goal, but what if it does the opposite?

Fyi..He is not one to play games or ignore me. Will this freeze him out?

Any insights?

Thanks,

Star.

Vi

June 2, 2016 at 9:22 am

Hi,
I am in the same situation and what should I do?
She was the one who broke up with me because she said she is not in love with me anymore, that I better give myself chances to find someone else… I really love her and want her back. Please help me. Thanks..
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 12, 2016 at 5:02 am

Hi VI,

sorry for the late reply, have you started nc?
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 27, 2016 at 12:32 pm

Hi Star,

you said he’s the one that broke up with you? Why did you break up and did you try to talk it out before doing no contact?

Petula

May 26, 2016 at 12:08 pm

Hello EBR team!

My ex broke up with me about a month ago (after 4 years of being together in a very happy relationship) and before I found this website I did all the wrong things (begged for him to come back, called him in the middle of the night crying etc…) Then I discovered this website and I must say its amazing! I started to do NC immediately. After 8 days of NC he sent me a long text asking how I am doing and telling me how things are with him. I didnt reply. Today he called me and I did pick up (stupid, I know) because I was curious what he has to say. He asked if we can meet up before I leave the country (Im going for a long trip backpacking through Asia for 4 months, leaving in 5 days). He sugested we could go to a trip to my favorite chocolate bar located on a beach. I told him I have to think about it and will let him know. Can you please advise if I should meet with him? I really want to because I feel emotionaly stable now and want to show him that Im doing fine and I want to erase his memories of me crying on the phone in the middle of the night which happened right after the breakup. Please advise 🙂 Thank you!

Petula

June 2, 2016 at 9:57 am

We are not back together as I left the country for my backpacking trip through Asia. When he told me he cheated I was relieved because before this information I thought the breakup was my fault. I saw how messed up he is now because cheating is out of his moral rules and he hates himself for doing something like that. He told me he cannot forgive himself for this and he asked if we could remain friends. He simply does not want to have a romantic relationship with me because he would keep feeling guilty for what he did. I’m out of the country now and will stay abroad at least for 4 months. Are there any steps I should do? Should I do NC again? Or text him from time to time? I’m not worried he would forget me (we had an amazing relationship for 4 years) but I am worried he will see me as a friend and not like somebody he wants to date again. Is there anything I can do to make him want me as his girlfriend?
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 12, 2016 at 5:14 am

He has to take time to heal first and while he is doing that just maintain yourself and keep growing so you’re still interesting for him.. and then start slowly to be friends again and don’t always be too available so you don’t end up being friendzoned
Petula

May 30, 2016 at 9:14 pm

Thank you Amor for the advice! I met him for a short trip to the beach and it was fun! Until the moment we sat next to each other eating the delicious chocolate ice cream on the beach, he looked at me and he started crying! I had no idea what to do so I hugged him and told him he can talk to me about anything like we used to do. He said he really misses me. And then he finally told me the reason why he broke up with me: he had a stupid one-night stand and could not bear the thought of keeping this a secret and lying to me as we used to be really open in our relationship. I am very grateful I know the truth now about why he ended things but I’m sad such a stupid mistake ruined what we had together.
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 31, 2016 at 6:13 pm

Soooooo, hmm, how did you react? are you back together?
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 29, 2016 at 2:01 pm

Hi Petula,

Go Ahead. Leave a fun memory with him before you leave.

Freddy N.

May 25, 2016 at 1:22 pm

Hi, my girlfriend and I dated for a year and a month and it was shaky at times but we loved eachother so much. What ended up happening, we had a big fight, said our sorrys, then the following day I got annoyed that she didn’t try to make it up to me, so I ignored her for the night, then the following afternoon I told her I loved her and that I was sorry. She accepted it, but ended up at my house in the middle of the night to say she can’t do it anymore. I’ve begged and pleaded, written countless notes, got her flowers, balloons, cards, to try to win her back (Her mother told me to fight for her), but she is dead set on spending her summer with her friends. My concern is I want to go to her graduation and congratulate her, what should I do? She did the same for me when I graduated, I just want to return that.

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 27, 2016 at 12:21 pm

Hi Freddy N,

if you want just text her.. at least that way you didn’t forget her graduation.

Mila

May 25, 2016 at 10:08 am

Hi EBR team,

I need help badly, but I have the very opposite problem, in fact I have to deal with an ex trying to take my boyfriend back (it may be that she does not really want him but is still acting like she does). He had a relationship with a girl for 7 years, almost 5 of which it was mainly a long distance relationship. He admits that he is nostalgic as they were both young people, he was a student and partied all the time. She flew in around 4 times a year to see him and it was very good. Problems started when he moved in with her (relocated to her home country), they had regular fights over small things and eventually after taking time out he broke up with her, during the time out she slept with somebody else which she also informed him about, guess it hurt his ego, cause he resisted the urge to cheat on her till the break up. Anyhow they remained friends, no kisses or hugs for about 2 years.By that time me and him were working together for one year and were hanging out as friends regularly. So, 2 years after they broke up we started dating, I knew they kept contact, I found her blog read about “lost love” every now and then but I never suspected him of cheating. In April my mother died and I was quite unstable emotionally, so I had this sudden idea about checking his phone (my doubts were mainly that he pretends she is no threat, while I had this gut feeling that she was THE THREAT). So I found messages where she wrote to him how I am too into him, how he does not like me, how boring I am, and how similar she is to his mother and how busy she is taking up classes in surfing, playing piano etc. sent pics of her toned stomach (I am quite plump which she may know, along with his strong preference of the slim girls). She offered casual sex with him, without telling me, apparently it never happened…then kept writing how slim and sexy she was how men showed interest, how yoga reminded her of sex with him and how good he was, I understand most men would feel too flattered to cut this short. They met, but only talked about the new men in her life. He wrote a few times how he missed the good old times, she wrote if they did not come to her home country they could still be together. Every time she wrote about me trying to figure out what he thinks he just diverted saying that he thinks its boring to talk about these things, she kept complaining about how lonely she was. She wrote that, he should help her how she helped him when he was depressed and how sad it was that he could not make time for her…accused him of being rude and looking at the phone while talking to her. also how she does not understand how can he spend weekends with me if he has to see me at work every day. I told him I saw all this, we had a fight, he is very particular about privacy and we only made up after 2 days. I tried to talk about what he really wants and if he can tell me what can be improved, he said that he just has good memories about that time, nostalgia like have about my home place since I don’t have any good relationship in the past that I could miss, said that it does not mean he is not happy with me now and that I need to stop being negative and trying to devalue what we have, said he wants to visit my home country and meet my father. When he is with me and I hint on some things I read there like how I am boring or so, he looks like he cares and feels sorry tries to encourage me to change my life in different ways (I have been depressed for some time as I lost job and due to mother’s illness).I believe him, that he understand that there is no going back, that he loves me in some way but as I understood and read she will always be a part of his life, he openly tells me that its not easy to erase someone who was with you for years from one’s life. Basically I am clueless, I definitely want to spend my life with him, have family but i DON’T WANT THIS THING TO DRAG FOREVER.

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 27, 2016 at 11:27 am

Hi Mila,

don’t be the jealous gf for him. Since you already talked, show him you’re not going to nag about it and be more focused on improving yourself. If even you talk about it again, talk about it calmly and address what you feel in a way of trying to make him understand but not in a way that you’re blaming him, so that he would listen.

Michelle Lewis

May 24, 2016 at 1:40 pm

Hey End. I wrote my situation but haven’t had an answer yet.

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 25, 2016 at 1:48 pm

Hi Me Rodriguez,

I’m not sure about what she really thinks right now but her checking your messages from time to time is good.. have you talked again?

george

May 24, 2016 at 12:18 am

Does no contact work for someone who is in a long distance relationship?

She started to feel as if the distance was too much. We live with about 7 hours time difference between us. Everything was great, I spent about a month with her overseas and when I finally had to leave in Janruary, it was absolutely devastating. We spent a lot of time on skype, we spoke every single day and always said good morning and good night. She eventually started to cave about a month ago. She felt as if she was finding herself really lonely even when she was going out. Finally today, after a lot of thought we both came to conclude that maybe the best thing to do was to take a step back. We didnt fight, we don’t hate each other – in fact we truly love each other. She maybe coming to the states for a semester abroad in fall if she gets her visa. I’m just at a loss and not quite sure what to do. I feel like NC is the last thing that will work for us… if anything we need to continue comforting each other. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 27, 2016 at 3:30 am

Hi George,

Yeah, maybe you just need to take a breather.. after a few days of rest from talking to each other, maybe she would miss you.

JD

May 23, 2016 at 10:02 pm

Looking for advice. Relationship of 5 years, married less than a year – long distance (I’m in Europe and he’s not). Been long distance since year 4 of our relationship, but it was unavoidable. Out of nowhere he said he wasn’t feeling the relationship anymore, made up excuses – feelings changed, long distance sucks, it’s not me but everything in his life stressing him out. He wanted to end it then changed it to a break, saying he needed it. He’s blocked me on social media (except snapchat) and has deleted all images of us on his instagram. The first couple of days he did say he loved me as we briefly talked but then the last two days I decided to not bother messaging him at all and implement NC, as he’s my husband and I love him dearly and don’t want to lose him. I’ve been purposely posting snapchat stories of me being productive in life – going to the gym, changing my hair, getting back into university, volunteering and travelling. Just to make sure he knows i”m not sitting at home crying my eyes out (I’m not anymore). Occassionally he sends me snapchat stories – random things really and he sees my public story ones. We haven’t officially broken up, but we’re on a break (even though he’s deleted every trace of me he can). So, my question is should I continue to not speak to him. If he sends me snapchats should I open them or ignore them? Also, should I continue to post my own snapchat stories where he can see them, but not directly to him or should I ghost completely and not post anything for awhile?

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 27, 2016 at 3:06 am

Hi JD,

you should continue to be active and don’t open his messages..

Dawn

May 23, 2016 at 6:20 pm

So my boyfriend and I broke up just under a month ago. We were supposed to move in together and honestly, I think he got scared. He told me he didn’t start second guessing until after he asked me to move in. We were together for a year and a half and it was a great relationship. The breakup came out of the blue to me and the only reasons he could come up with kept changing every time we spoke…none of them were really that great. I got answers like “you get tired when we go out” or “we couldn’t get chores done at our own homes when we were together.”….wasn’t that why we were moving in together? I know he didn’t cheat. He’s not that kind of a person. So I’ve ruled that out. Anyway, the last time we spoke was a week ago yesterday. I finally decided if he couldn’t come up with a better reason to break up…then why am I fighting so hard? Well last Thursday I went to a baseball game and posted a picture. Not even two hours later he attempted to text me about how he went to one the night before and I didn’t reply (so I guess I started the NC a week ago without even knowing it – ha). We had decided being friends right now wouldn’t be a good idea. So I was frustrated. A lot of people go to games. Why was he telling me about it? But what i’m getting at is I want to start the no contact rule now. I think he misses me since the last time we spoke he said he wasn’t doing well. But he did think he made the right choice. I’m just curious if it’s too late since the break up was a month ago or if I still have a chance since we talked so recently and he reached out to me only a few days ago? Just in case that got a little confusing…last time we spoke was last Sunday…he reached out to me that following Thursday. So only 4 days later. I, however haven’t spoken to him since that Sunday. I know that was lengthy. I just want him back so I wanted to give you all of the details I can. Thanks for all you do!!

-Dawn

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 25, 2016 at 1:21 pm

Hi Dawn,

nope it’s not too late but what’s more important is that you start to improve yourself..

Kristine

May 23, 2016 at 3:20 pm

Hello EBR team,

I have a question about no contact. My ex wanted to remain friends after the breakup because we were really good friends to begin with, and said that if there were still mutual feelings of love down the road, he would consider getting back together. The biggest issue right now is that we have season tickets to games that I really want to go to, is it a bad thing to say friends for a while and then cut off contact? Would this hurt my chances?

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 26, 2016 at 6:41 pm

Hi Kristine,

when is the game? if you want, you can tell him you tried to be friendly but you realized you needed space to heal before being friends

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6,801 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”