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Jessica
January 27, 2016 at 12:46 am
What if you are on speaking terms with this person, is it necessary to do the contact rule? And if you wait to do the contact rule (don’t start immediately after you break up) would it still work since your ex has already gotten used to you not being around? At this point should I start building rapport again or wait longer? I’m very confused on this, please help.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 27, 2016 at 2:53 pm
Hi Jessica,
It depends on the reason why you’re on speaking terms.
Ben
January 27, 2016 at 12:06 am
Hey,
I told my ex I didn’t think I could be in a relationship with her a few days after christmas because we were arguing about nonsense frequently for a week or so. A few hours later I immediately regretted saying that, tried to backtrack, but it was too late, the damage had been done and she wanted a break. I obliged and 3 days later asked her if we could talk and she said she didn’t think she wanted to be in a relationship at the time.
I no contacted her for 7 days when she then invited me to her apartment warming party (I moved her in a few weeks earlier), which I caved and texted her I couldn’t make it because I had plans already. She replied telling me she was having a tough time because her pet was sick and only had so much time to live, I caved again and tried to console her over text. A few days later she invited me over and we hung out all night, I stayed over, and we hooked up. We texted on and off for 2 days and she invited me over the night before the party to help set up. We ended up doing chores (painting, cleaning, cooking) all night long to set up for the party she had invited me over for the week before, and didn’t sleep at all. In the morning, there were a ton of errands that needed to be run, so I helped her out with them. I fronted her money for the errands (over $500) which she said she would pay back (have never had issues with her before on this so figured why not.) Didn’t get done ‘working’ til 5pm that day, party started at 7. By the time I got to the party it was 745pm, started to drink and around 10pm she told me her ex before me might come to the party. My heart sank, because I couldn’t figure out why she would invite me over twice, hook up with me, ask me to do all those chores, pay for the party, go out of her way to invite me to the party, and then invite her ex before me who she knew I wasn’t comfortable with. I acted like an asshole for a few hours, she didn’t like that and said thats why she couldn’t be with me because I’m “crazy”, later on I then apologized to her, and said she can invite whoever she wants its her party and shes right were not together. I then found out from her roommate her ex had been over while we were split up, but couldn’t confirm that they’d hooked up or anything.
The next day she pretty much ignored me throughout the day, I tried to ask for the money for the party and couldn’t get a concrete answer from her. The following day (2 days later) I went over to get the money and she hadn’t left it. Later that day I finally got the money and was livid, so I sent her a text message calling her selfish, saying I can’t understand how its okay to ask me to do all those things to help and then invite your ex over, saying she used me, saying I didn’t want anything to do with her, didn’t want to be friends, etc.. She replied saying she never asked me to help and it was my choice, said I was entitled, and the way I acted at the party was not okay. I was mad at her being unappreciative of what I did so I sent another text which I regret aimed to hurt her, saying she only thinks about herself and everyone sees it and I should have listened to everyone who told me she’s no good. She sent another text aimed to hurt me, said she could have her ex back anytime she wanted but she doesn’t, said she didn’t like how I ‘hovered’ and called me insecure, said she’s done wasting her breathe on me.
I didn’t respond. And have no contacted her for 9 days now. I thought I was undoubtedly done with her. I also thought she would surely apologize within the week for her actions. No text came like last time. And 9 days later, I can’t stop thinking about her, I am hurt by what she did, but I also miss her very much, and feel I let her go in a way. I don’t think there’s a question I want her back. Every text I get I pray its her.
Since we officially broken up, I’ve definitely made the most of the time apart to improve myself, I’ve added a lot of muscle to my frame, gone out with friends, just got a new F150 truck, been tanning, and got new clothes. I even have a date scheduled for tonight with another girl, which I have no interest in going to because I can’t stop thinking about my ex and a big part of the reason I agreed to the date was in hopes that my ex would find out and it would make her jealous. I know its not fair to this girl but I’m also hoping she can ‘save me’ from how I feel. Probably not but I figure it’s worth giving her a shot.
My ex’s birthday is coming up, and valentines day. I get depressed just thinking about not spending either with her. I have a text prepared to send that references a song she liked when we first met, that will hopefully elicit a response. I know I probably have to ease back into it, but I’m wondering if it’s too early to send her a text. Is 11-12 days of no contact not enough? I feel like if I could just get her to hang out with me, I could make her fall for me again, but a big part of me is scared to fail and feel like I did post breakup again. Any advice on my situation?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 27, 2016 at 2:52 pm
HI Ben,
I think the main thing you need to work on your relationship is proper communication about emotions. It gets bottled up and then explodes when triggered. Actually the shortest is 21 days, but if you’re sure that you’re emotions are stable enough, you can send a test text. Don’t be too forward with the text. It’s to see, if she’s going to respond positive, neutral or negative. So, no emotional texts. And besides if you’re first text is emotional then that means you’re not ready to talk yet.
Kate
January 26, 2016 at 10:33 pm
Hi, me and my partner broke up 4 weeks ago. He told me that he finds it hard to trust me as he feels I flirt on social media. I believe that he has brought his past relationship issues into our relationship. We have been together for 3 years and I have always believed our relationship was really strong and I have an amazing bond with his child.
We have always discussed our further, buying a home, having a child, getting married.
But he has really begun to not trust me going down my phone checking my social media.
4 weeks since we broke up we have remained in contact. Mainly from my side. We went to a concert on Sunday together and got along fantastic and it felt OK again but he has still stuck by his decision to not be with me. I wrote him a letter to express my feelings which he appreciated. But has told me he is still confused. He has expressed he does love me. Do you think I should follow the nc rule?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 27, 2016 at 1:35 pm
HI Kate,
You know in the middle of your comment, I was thinking that you can just talk to him calmly about this instead of going no contact right ahead but then at then end you already did that. So, yeah I think no contact will work, do it like you did after the break up. Take baby steps to reconnect and enjoy and once you’re in the right time and right place, talk personally about how you two could work together about his insecurities without you enabling it as well. You need to make it firm that you are not his exes but you understand what he’s going through but you need to meet halfway. I think nc can help him realize this after you sent the letter.
Blu
January 26, 2016 at 2:07 pm
Hi
What a helpful site… Thanks for a great read so far 🙂 I’ve recently split up with my boyfriend of nearly 5 years. I wanted to stay together and he wanted to split up, so after much discussions of him being angry and blaming me etc, I moved out five days ago. I hugged him when I left and I was upset, my belongings remain in his house but I do have enough items to keep going in the meantime! Since last Thursday we’ve had NC. It was so difficult and there have been many times were I just started to drive over to his to pronounce my love to him, then I’d call my best friend and she’d make me drive straight to hers! Anyway, this morning he’s messaged me for the first time saying “are you alright? Don’t really know what else to say”… I’m really not entirely sure if to respond with “I’m doing ok thanks, hope you are.” Or should I proceed with the NC rule? I do still love him etc and I don’t want him to think I’ve forgotten him but at the same time he never really bothered about me during the relationship. He was really stubborn and angry for a few months prior to the split so I can’t understand that has been vented from him yet? Other aspects of me think he’s contacting me just because he wants me to move all my belongings from his house? What do you recommend? It’s easy to read into these situations and I don’t want to get my hopes up.
Also, not sure how you end the NC rule? Do you text them?!
Thanks in advance.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 26, 2016 at 2:26 pm
Hi Blu,
Your best friend is a sweetheart! Well, NC means not talking to him for a period of time in any form, so I think that answers your question. Yes, you end NC by sending a test text.
john
January 26, 2016 at 11:55 am
Would No Contact work if you were in a relationship of 5 years an then she dumps you because she no longer loves you an cant see herself with you in the future? Could it be if she is side tracked with full attention on something else in her life (illness, family etc) That is the reason she no longer loves me or at least she thinks she doesn’t? Would these 30 days make her then relies she made a mistake an miss me and come back? By the way i did nothing wrong and she has said that..
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 26, 2016 at 1:28 pm
Hi John,
We can’t guarantee that no contact works for everybody 100% But if that’s the case, maybe everything is just overwhelming for her. Maybe she just needs space. There is really a point in life when emotionally everything seems to take a toll. Maybe do 2 weeks, then check on her. If you don’t get a response, do three weeks after. But honestly, if you can really talk or figure out how you can help her in some way other than nc then better.
Shina
January 26, 2016 at 10:34 am
found your blogs very interesting and inspiring. The reason I was reading them was, well, as you may have known, I am going through one myself.
I would really request you to keep my name anonymous. 🙂 and reply me via email.
So, I’m a 26 years old woman. It’s been sometime for me I had dated. I broke off with a guy after 2 years of relationship as it seemed he wasn’t ready to be married. Though I broke up myself, it took a lot out of me.. But I worked on myself and became a really better person over another 2 years of time. When I was about to find a guy (in an arranged set up by my family), I met this guy through one of my old friends.. we just started off so immediately… the connection was instant.. and wonderful. It took a week and only one date for us to decide we want to carry it on further. He broke the news to his parents as well.. For he wanted to make it formal.
I think we started the wrong doing with this. The family never accepted me open-heartedly and they have always made me get over me. While all this was running, I started behaving insecure myself and wanted to come out of the relationship at times. In fact then it would have been easier for me at that time, considering I wasn’t that heads over heel at that moment. We almost everyday started having a fight and won’t talk for 2/3 days again he would come back and convince me and we started talking.
In between all this, he had a situation at home, very family-oriented, hence can’t disclose in details but something medical of one his family members. Before this happened, we had a small tiff.. in fact this was bigger than any we had before.. so it was past 3/4 days and he never called me.. that made me worry about him.. and I called him up to know the situation.. he sounded really cold.. making me concerned… and I started smothering him with constant calls and messages over whats’app. I know, I know.. I was acting a fool. but that wasn’t the only time I did so.. Any how, he told with the current situation it was even tougher for him to convince his family and he thinks we can’t make the relationship work like this. But I insisted we try some more. after that the situation even deteriorated at his family circle .. but we kept in touch.. and I was being stupidly over-loving towards him.. which he hated.. and in sometime after 2/3 months while I was busy with my job and didn’t get much scope to talk.. one fine day, we fought… and as always, I texted him “I don’t think it will ever work..” .. he never responded. I called him.. he picked and said it’s over. I cried a lot.. he seemed cold. and be angry with me.
Sometimes he was too calm too. and He would try to explain. But there were so many things running on his mind, probably he lost words. He refused talking to me and calling me..or meeting me. I tried to take control and acted without demands. that helped for few days and he kind of started being normal. But we reached the state to fight and completely break up.
I waited for a no-contact period and send him a letter and some stuff back. He never came back. So, after some time.. I called him up.. we were again in talking terms..But with the time-gap, I felt he was even over with me. Though he does like talking, he would never like to talk about relationships. And as if I was like any other girl to him.Yet I added him back in Facebook.
we had fights and stopped talking and again it was me who would call him back. But he never called me by himself. then after 2 months of this… I was really sick and tired so I stopped contacting him at all. He thought I was acting weird by this time and he had no repent to break up with me as he had the first time.
I just texted him once in new year’s and he texted a lovely but formal message back. He even wished me on my birthday but it was a very formal message again. I proposed we could not give up on the friendship. He said he hadn’t.
But I deeply still feel empty without him.I really love him. And I want to be back with him to see the possibilities. He dreads if the situation eventually can’t end up in a marriage but what if it does?
Please advise me. Please help me.
Shina
March 9, 2016 at 12:04 pm
I blocked him.. in place possible.. I think I want to just disappear for a while.. even though gave him a terrible news about my family he never asked me back about how things are although he was available all the time and chatting with other people.. I never found him so insensitive. In his case his feelings may be are same for me but he is determined not to make it known to me so whatever I do I fail. May be some things are to be left for time and God. It pains a lot.. he knows how much he hurts me with his behavior but he is not ready to fix it or do anything about it then I am just fighting all by myself for nothing.
Thank you for your guidance. I am just not the lucky case to take an advantage of it.
Shina
March 6, 2016 at 5:18 pm
The problem is f payment.. I dont have paypal account. I would like to pay by card or cash. I am not sure if they are delivered here.
Initially they were n’t that long. But for the last few days we ended up with in 3/4.. as he stopped replying. when I would ask him (in a friendly tone) his replies are just that he is busy and stuff… but he never got back when he was free. So, today I kind of cracked it.. I said perhaps he doesn’t want to have a conversation at all.. I am just enforcing.. I will just stop pushing things around. And he never replied yet… and I am thinking I will just unfriend him from FB. He did not like everytime I did that.. but I dont see any other way to get his attention back. If he is such a weak person to leave me.. How longer can I wait I don’t know!
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 8, 2016 at 9:26 am
I think card will do.. I’ll double check.. if that’s the case you don’t have to unfriend him..just stop contacting..do one last no contact before re trying
Shina
March 2, 2016 at 9:12 am
Hi Amor, Chris, I really need your help. I tried a lot.. I started with texting and it was going good (about 60:80) but suddenly there was family matter due to which he became busy, So, I waited another 15 days and started off.. it has been 4 days, and we were having normal talks.. his reply were good but he stopped replying all of a sudden. and wont ping back for the last two days.
I already have a feeling I am losing control. it’s been more than 6 months, Everytime I try to contact he talks for few days and then stops responding. I wanted to buy your books but I dont think they are available in India.
Please help.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 3, 2016 at 5:46 pm
Hi Shina,
are the books not available, do they don’t appear, or there are problems with how to pay?
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 2, 2016 at 4:39 pm
Hi Shina,
I’ll check on Chris about the books..but maybe the talks were too long and it dragged to boredom? was it like that?
Shina
January 29, 2016 at 10:39 am
Also, please tell me how I should portray in social networking sites. I saw him travelling places and he seems happy. Though he is very irregular in social networking. And it wasn’t through his profile, I saw through mutual friends. I badly miss him. Sometimes I just feel hopeless that it’s over already.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 30, 2016 at 7:32 am
I don’t think he will be angry if you reach out. don’t forget, take things slow. I get the feeling you think he’ll get angry because you’ll jump into the relationship conversation once you get a hold of him. You have to provide value first because you have to be somebody he’ll want to talk to. You’re like starting from the beginning here.
You should be productive in real life and that’s just what you’ll post in your accounts. Remember, he doesn’t want to get back right now. If you appear to want that, he’ll pull back again.
Shina
January 29, 2016 at 5:08 am
Hi Amor,
I am kind of giving it up… not in a way to move on.. but I am scared to contact him.. what if he ridiculed me with sarcasm again. I read that after 66 days he will anyway come out of the habit.. it seems so effective already. He hasn’t contacted me since the last time he wished me that’s about 27/28 days now. Should I rather wait for him to come back and talk to me than I initiate it. I am really anxious. Please let me know.
Shina
January 26, 2016 at 6:02 pm
Hi Amor, Thanks. I really have no idea.. how I can connect with him again? He won’t call me by himself.. it’s only when I do.. and he doesn’t seem interested to take the first 2/3 calls.. it’s only after 4/5 th time he picks up.. and now looking at the weirdness created after 2 months not being in touch.. I have no idea how to start again! can you please advise.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 27, 2016 at 2:36 pm
actually you need to keep in mind to take things slow and follow the steps of no contact. Don’t talk to him for a specific period of time even if he starts to contact you during nc period, unless it’s really urgent. LIke if he wants to get his things during no contact, give it to him but don’t talk about the relationship. Once no contact is done, start first contact texts and so on so forth. Don’t talk about the status of the relationship unless you’re at the stage where both of you are comfortable with each other talking about it.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 26, 2016 at 2:05 pm
Hi Shina,
Take things slow. Work on getting the connection back first, and while doing that, try to think about ways how his family can accept you if ever you get back together. So, once he’s attracted to you again, and he talks about that, at least you already have solutions in mind.
Maria
January 26, 2016 at 4:34 am
I’m not strong enough to keep the no contact rule during 30 days. What can I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 26, 2016 at 6:53 am
Hi Maria,
It depends if we really should implement no contact. But most of the time,those who implement no contact can’t have a proper communication with their ex.. It hurts so much that going silent is healthier emotionally and mentally. If you think you’re not strong enough, the only thing I can say is try what you feel or think you need to do, until it comes to a point that you can see that no contact will be the best option
MK
January 25, 2016 at 5:36 pm
Hi..
Me and my fience had a relation for 6 years.. it started with love. But the past 3 years he started changing gradualy and his treatment became worse through time. Till we reached a point where he made fights about very silly things and wanted to break up. Finaly since a week ago, again a silly issue happened and he made a fight then he sent me message whatsapp yesterday breaking up with me. I reproached by a long message and that was it.
What do u advice me to do ?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 26, 2016 at 9:50 am
Hi Mk,
If the relationship has gone toxic, it’s best of you distance yourselves with each other for the mean time. That means you can do no contact
Neena
January 25, 2016 at 5:08 pm
Hi I need help . My ex got diagnosed with cancer and then I contacted him we met once just chatted and then I came back . We always had very strong relationship in terms of being very possessive for each other which I feel he is still but he is just quite all the time and ignoring most of my texts . I still feel for him and wants to be in contact but my ego says he should be the one to contact first but he blocked me on watsapp but we are still on FB . He was the one who used to contact me first and now ignoring me . What should I do
No contact or contact
Please help
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 26, 2016 at 9:49 am
Hi Neena,
I’m sorrt about what happened with your ex, but when was he diagnosed and when did you knew, before or after the breakup?
Rose
January 25, 2016 at 9:56 am
Hi Chris,
In your e-mails you talk about how people think about “unfinished” tasks. My bf an I love each other very much. When he chose to leave me last week I don’t think we left it unfinished. We talked and cried and cuddled and made love for 3 days. We tried to enjoy every moment together before we seperated. The last thing we said to each other was “I love you”. So we really did have a proper goodbye. He asked me if I wanted to see him, he did want me in his life. I said I didn’t know because it might feel too hard right now. Do you think I should still do the no contact right now? He’s kind of expecting it anyway and I don’t think he views it as “unfinished”. Or should I stay in touch for a little while longer so that it feels unexpected to him? I genuinely want to do the right thing so as to maximize my chances of getting him back. We haven’t had any contact for 3.5 days now. I really hope you can answer my question!
Rose
January 27, 2016 at 1:45 pm
Hi Amor,
Actually I don’t think we’re all that different. Yes we have some different hobbies and there’s a difference in some people we like but there’s also a lot of things we like to do together and people we both like. Main point for me is that our core values (what’s the right and wrong thing to do, ideas about marriage and children, career visions etc) are the same. Day 6 of no contact now, I haven’t heard from him.
Rose
January 25, 2016 at 4:38 pm
Hi Amor! He said he wanted some peace and quiet in his mind instead of all these emotions he was feeling with me. He felt I was happier in the relationship than he was and he felt he should at least be as happy to stay with me. He said that even though he loved me very much we were too different and he wasn’t sure how we could fit that into a future together. We’re both almost 30 and have been together for a year and a half so talk about the future is very real with us. I know he still loves me very much, he was in so much pain having to leave me. He cried so mcuh. At one point he said it felt as though someone was dying. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get him back. I don’t know how to be his friend nor do I want to be. Right now the no contact rule almost seems easier because I won’t see him taking steps away from me and I’ll know he left with these amazing last days still in his mind. I did say to him it might feel too hard right now to see each other but maybe in a little while. Does no contact only work if it’s very out of the blue? I just keep going back and forth because if we stay in touch now he’ll see what a friendship with me looks like and he might not miss me as much. I need to get this right, he’s really the one for me. Thanks for your help!
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 26, 2016 at 9:42 am
Hmmm.. I see.. how different are you two.. Is it to the point that you don’t like he’s interests and he doesn’t like yours? No contact can’t guarantee 100% that you’ll get him back, but for me, since you didn’t really end in bad terms, in some way but not directly, inform him you’re going to be busy or productive and then go with no contact because you’re right. He has to miss you and he won’t of you’re just there
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 25, 2016 at 1:59 pm
Hi Rose,
I don’t know if this too personal, but if it is, just don’t answer it. Why did he choose to leave?
If you can’t answer that and if you want the no contact to be unexpected for him, then stay in touch for a little while.
julia
January 25, 2016 at 1:04 am
hello there
i dated a guy for 1 month. our problem was that he was always busy and he couldn’t change that (as he said), and i kept nagging all the time that i am not satisfied and i am unhappy etc. i drove his nuts nuts crazy through nagging. i tried to break up with him 2-3 times but we always ended up loving each other. yesterday i sent him a text that i want to see him and we need to fix those small things or it will end badly for bot of us.. and until he sees me let him take a break and think what does he want from me and from us. he texted me and told “i don’t want anything from you” we started arguing and he sent me a long paragraph “i promise you that its over forever and we are not going to get back together and i love u so much but its better for me to get hurt than seeing you dying every day, i can’t handle all those fights and u can’t neither its better for us to separate” i begged him not to leave but he ended up blocking me on whatsapp,fiber and unfriended me on fb. i texted him on fb that i love him and lets just fix things but i got no respond will no contact rule be beneficial? he is a capricorn and i read a lot though the internet,that capricorn man never look back at their ex relationships
he told me while they break up “when i will be in town i will drop you a call and we will meet and i will end it face to face but nothing will change,so wait my call”
how should i act when he calls me?
julia
January 31, 2016 at 7:11 pm
he didn’t call me and today after i posted a picture of myself where i am with full make up,he unfollowed me on instagram immediately
instagram was the only place on social media which he kept
until today…
why did he do so??
was it because he felt that i gave up on him and moved on?:S
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 1, 2016 at 10:07 am
If that’s the reason, then he’s still hurting,meaning he still has even a small amount of feelings.
Julia
January 25, 2016 at 1:45 pm
Thank you for your reply
But I want to clarify things
Should I go and see him? Or I should apply nc rule immediately?
It’s ve been 2 days I didn’t text him
Thank u so much for ur help
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 25, 2016 at 2:50 pm
For me no, since he said nothing will change his decision and that’s it’s just to formalize it but if you decide to see him, take that chance to say what I said earlier. Be civil with him. Don’t get angry. Don’t beg for him to go back. So, the decision is up to you. If you decide to not see him, don’t answer his call and start no contact
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 25, 2016 at 5:00 am
Hi Julia,
It’s not that I’m condemining you for your beliefs but I like horoscopes but I don’t believe in it. Especially if it’s not good news, For example, my ex is a capricorn and he’s the one who kept coming back to ask for another chance until he understood that we really can’t work.
Honestly,if you’re going to meet, don’t beg or ask him to be back. Avoid being emotional or fighting with him because that will only prove to him that he made the right decision on breaking up with you. Be civil, agree with him and politely say to him that he doesn’t need to block you and you won’t bother him but that it’s nice if you remain friends after all right?(so he can your posts while in nc) Just remember, don’t fight with him.
Worried
January 24, 2016 at 10:58 pm
Hi,
he broke up with me on new years via email after 2 days of ignoring me and moved out last monday. He just emailed me regarding wanting his stuff back (he took most of it but some was left in a small storage unit due to space limitations) from storage and wanting me to pay him 90% of what he payed for the leased car back because I am keeping it. What do I do? It is no contact so that I can heal (he is already over it for ages) and just getting that email scared me. Won’t he get really angry if I do not reply for another 3 weeks? He has quite a temper….
Georgina
January 25, 2016 at 4:42 pm
Hi,
My ex-boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago because we had moved in together and he said he wasn’t ready for it but had done it because he wanted to make me happy. A week after I did NC for a month, at which point I saw him accidentally as we are still in the same village, and he cried and was really emotionally but not sure if getting back together was the right thing to do as he was worried we may break up again in 2 weeks. I then did the I have a confession textto start the process, tried to leave it for a hour, but he called and text me manically really upset because he thought I was going to say I had slept with someone else. after this I did not continue the process outline in ex recovery pro but we have been talking lots but just about sorting the house and getting rid of stuff. the house will be gone as of sunday and I was going to do no contact again before starting again. can I ask how long you think I should do no contact for again, a whole month or just like 2 weeks?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 26, 2016 at 9:46 am
Hi Georgina,
hmmm..why no go between and do 3 weeks?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 25, 2016 at 5:06 am
Hi worried,
those are instances that you have to talk to him. The important thing is, you don’t talk about the relationship when you meet for his stuff.
Alee
January 24, 2016 at 5:04 pm
My husband of 4 years, relationship of 15 years, cheated on me for the past year and lied to me about it. I caught him when I looked at his phone, and read the text messages between them. I felt justified in betraying his trust by looking at his phone because he was being suspicious with it and hiding the screen from me and being shady/lying when I asked who it was who was texting him.
The day I found out I told him it was over and that he had to move out. He stayed for a week while he sorted out a living arraignment elsewhere. During this time we talked about what happened, and he stated had sex in our home several times but wasn’t sure exactly how many. I feel extremely hurt and betrayed. Though our marriage was far from perfect I thought he loved and valued me. However he also has mental health issues such as anxiety, low self worth including being a recovering drug addict. He was jealous of my outgoingness, kindness and ability to gain and keep friendships. He became very lazy in bed so I became uninterested in sex with him and began to withdraw myself and become distant. I fought with him about going to get help about his problems when he was resistant to gentle suggestions. I know now he felt guilty about what he was doing with her because he would always tell me I was too good for him and acted like he was worthless, he was angry and sad a lot. He acted when we were married as if he was a burden to me. He was upset with himself, he had no ambition, interests or self love.
Since the break up 4 weeks ago he has been seeing a therapist, he is working through his mental health issues and reading workbooks to get better. We had been talking about once a day since the break up because though I asked him to leave and give me space I stated I wanted to remain friends. He told me he made an extreme mistake, had poor judgement, wants to make things better, wants me to take him back and has the goal of getting better so I will want that. I don’t know if I want that, I am very confused. I felt he was clinging to me, being emotionally needy and using me as support through our break up. He would tell me he wanted to have sex with me and thought about it often, this hurt me badly as well. So 1 week ago I asked that we have no contact for a few weeks at your suggestion.
I am having a very hard time convincing him not to contact me, he has done so 3 times in the past week, I set the no contact rule for 30 days, I am not sure this is even long enough. I am very confused and hurt, knowing they had sex in our house still really bothers me 3 weeks later but I also have this feeling like I really want to try to make things work even though my closest friends think I am better off without him because they know most details of our relationship and the breakup from my side.
I cannot make myself feel like I can do any relationship right now with anyone but especially him, but I hate being without him, I do love and miss him, he was my best friend even with all the issues we had. I I feel like I should be alone forever because I am so messed up from this. I think that no one needs what we put each other through and I think unless I can change, and I do want to change but I have no idea if either of us can get there to make it work.
So yea instead of just ending it when we both knew we hated each other at times we both hung on because we are best friends, do love each other and care for each other, we do enjoy each other. So we weren’t the worst marriage ever for a recovering addict and a single mom(I know no one wants to date single moms). Most times we were we really good for each other, as messed up as we are but we both don’t want to be those people anymore so I have no idea if us trying again will happen or work because we are not who we are meant to be yet, those two future people will have to see. He just wants me back in his life in some way, any way I will have him, I need more time.
My question is about the no contact rule, how long is long enough or should I let him back into my life in 3 weeks?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 25, 2016 at 11:57 am
Hi Alee,
First, you need to work on views in life. Maybe it’s because of the constant negativity but it’s not true that nobody dates a single mom. And you have to be strong. If you’re doing no contact and you already told him you need time, if he’s still contacting you just let him be.
If you want change in your life, you have to start with yourself.
rachel
January 24, 2016 at 12:31 pm
I was doing the no contact rule. Saw him at a party on Friday and we spoke just normal how’s work etc. The topic of our relationship came up and he said he blocked me cos he thought it was best and said I became slightly annoying. What should I do now? Start the no contact again or just finish the days I have left then text him?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 24, 2016 at 12:51 pm
Hi Rachel,
you should start no contact again. Especially since he thinks you’re annoying
Violet
January 24, 2016 at 8:03 am
hello Chris, Amor
I am Violey, living inTaiwan, my bf is Syrian, living in Jordan. we have been long distance for 2 years, and I’d visited him once in last oct. he always be the one to encourage me and told me think in positive way ,I was totally count on him and feel confident about our love, we had plan to be togetger and get marry. after our first met, we found that we are matched in everything, increased our desire to be togetger. I had applied for him to study in Taiwan, but the applicantion has been rejected. He consoled me and told me don’t lose hope, there must be another way to come to Taiwan.
But from Dec. he has getting speachless and cold, less text me, late reply my messages, I got sad and feel like we will be over, he told me he is tired of waiting and the embassy officer told him Taiwan only issue Visa for businessmen, it’s impossible to het Visa. since then, he always says he’s suffering from our relationship, he says he love me very much but can’t reach me, even very difficult to accept other woman in the future. but he really don’t know how to do next. I’d tried to cheer him up and search on line to find another way to make him come, but he seems doesn’t want to work out with me. recently he told me that he accepted to date a girl in Jordan but he delt feeling less and no emotion toward that girl because I’m still inside his heart.
Chris, plz help me, i really love him and want him back, we have been happy togetherw years,I don’t want to give up, but now he is trying to avoid talking with me, today is the second day without any contact. should I begin the NC rules? or you feel there is no hope for us ??plz help me, I am so dad, I feel my world fell apart and like I lost everything.
I appreciate your suggestions!T_T
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 24, 2016 at 12:37 pm
Hi Violet,
Have you tried finding an employer for him in Taiwan? Or maybe you can start a business in Taiwan? But if that is not possible, maybe you can go to Jordan? If he’s not contacting you, after 5 days, start your own no contact.
phyllis stevens
January 24, 2016 at 3:26 am
My boyfriend broke up with me right before the holidays in Dec. He said he needed time and space to think. We had been together for over 14 years and every day like clockwork we’d email and talk to each other. I finally got the courage 16 days ago to initiate the “No Contact” Rule, and intend to keep it for at least 30 days. I had heard that the # of days you stay in “No Contact” mode depends on how long you had been together. Does that mean I should be ignoring him for at least a year? When he broke up with me, he said he should know if he made the right decision after 3 months.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 24, 2016 at 12:40 pm
Hi Phyllis,
No contact doesn’t mean it has to equate with the length of your relationship. If he says he needs 3 months, then don’t contact him for 3 months. Use that 3 months for yourself, improve yourself and find happiness aside from him but make sure you post that on your social media accounts but don’t make it too obvious that it is for him. In short, make him miss you.
Tilly
January 23, 2016 at 10:07 am
I have a question my ex and I had a break up. He has baby mama issues and it affected us and he saw it was bothering me. He dumped me until he had stuff handled. Then break up was bad and I acted like a high schooler. One day he started talking to me again but he was very cold and distant and said he wanted to work things out and get back to what we had. Things went down hill and he changed his mind. Pretty much said he doesn’t see us being exclusive in the cards right now but he never will say never about us. When trying work things out I saw the old him come out when he came to see me. We were best friend and very close until the break up and he completely pushed me away. We fought the last time we talked I was so upset. He stopped talked to me cause I told him I couldn’t handle staying friends and if he wanted me to move on to disappear from my life. I sent an email apologizing for our fight and the mean things I said and wished him good luck with his stuff. So my question is does the no contact work on situations like mine. Where he has already cut me off? This is a guy who proved everyday how much I meant to him and how he never wanted a life without me. We had an amazing connection. Just could use some good advice on this no contact rule and if my situation still fits into it. I have done anything since the email
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 23, 2016 at 2:49 pm
Hi Tilly,
We can’t guarantee that No contact will work 100% but if you can’t communicate properly, it will help to subside the emotions until you can talk logically with each other.
Roberta Solange
January 23, 2016 at 6:52 am
Hi Chris, what if during the NC period, he textes mean and accusing messages? Seriously, I wanted to react and defend myself but I want to stick to the 30 days. Honestly I think we need 60 days…he is still heated about things i took that we bought together while we lived together (that he didn’t even really care about anyway.) Anyway I’m asking because FB sent out a bunch of friend requests that I didn’t send and one happened to be his ex wife….obviously I didn’t know that happened until I received a mean text from saying I’m crazy and leave his family alone… My first gut reaction was to either call and tell him off or…to text him that he’s stupid for thinking that I would actually friend request his ex!! But I took a deep breath. .. I can text and defend and THINK I’ll better OR…do I stick to the NC rule??
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 23, 2016 at 1:21 pm
Hi Roberta,
if you need c to v cancel the requests, if they haven’t yet, cancel them. For your peace of mind, you can text that you never sent any invite and you don’t know how that happened. than that’s it. continue on NV
Jessica
January 23, 2016 at 2:13 am
Hi! My situation is a little bit complicated because I broke up with my boyfriend due to a long distance relationship. I currently live in New York and he lives in London. However, I’m moving back to London in 4 months and I feel that I might have made a wrong decision. I spent the last two months picking up fights and saying that the relationship wasn’t going to work because we weren’t going to see each other, and because of that, he became very distant… he was so distant that he was avoiding calls and replying to my texts in a colder manner. He told me it was because he was very overwhelmed with work and didn’t have time. At some point, I got so angry I called and broke up, told him that he clearly needed to focus on himself and I was tired of waiting around. He did cry and say that he didn’t want to break up and that he loved me, but he also sort of accepted the break up. A couple days later I told him I missed him, but he said that I shouldn’t be sad, that I made the right decision, that it made sense because of distance and the fact that he did need some time to focus on himself and his work. He told me to move on and that if we are meant to be together sometime in the future, we will. But he also said he needed to move on too and that he didn’t want to talk to me. I feel bad now, especially because I am so close to finally being back in London. I don’t know if I should try the NC rule and then try to talk to him so that I can ask to meet when I’m back or what I should do. Any advice?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 23, 2016 at 2:58 pm
Hi Jessica,
How many has it been since you last talked?
Maggie
January 22, 2016 at 6:28 pm
Hi. So I did NC with my ex for a month in Oct/Nov. We ended up getting in contact and eventually basically became friends with benefits. I discovered this site after we were talking again. I’m so confused because he went and bought me Christmas presents. He initiates at least half of our texts and recently, it became him initiating phone calls to me 5-6 days a week! It seemed good but I was making the mistake of sleeping with him. He regularly wants to go do other things together besides sex. And he does little things that SEEM sweet and thoughtful like bring me pillow mist after I mentioned trouble sleeping. He even made plans to go to my mother’s office and requested to be her patient (he hasn’t met her before). He claimed it was only out of convenience but he seemed really interested in meeting her. We had a conversation recently where he said something along the lines of “I’m not ready to be back in a relationship” and “I’ve been through tough breakups with relationships these last few years and I don’t want to repeat it.” To make it more confusing he told me he has accepted the fact that I may or may not choose to be with him in the future. That was during a very rare moment of sensitivity and openness.
I’ve said a couple of times my clear intentions. I have told him I see my life with him and that I want to take care of him like he used to take care of me too. All this stuff. He has certainly seen some of the changes I’ve made. Some directly relating to why we broke up. I didn’t beg. I just tried to be open about everything. Regardless, he still evidently wasn’t ready. So I told him I cant be his friend anymore and began another NC period. It’s been two weeks and last night he contacted me. He wants to have dinner tomorrow. I can also tell by his tone and slight innuendos sex is on his brain too. He claims that’s not why he called. Sure…
So my question is, how do I handle this? Do I make an excuse like I’m busy, etc, and cancel? Or should I go and play it cool and just go have a good time, be friendly, flirty, but keep appropriate distance? I suspect he still isn’t ready to commit so the dinner to me is sounding…. questionable. I definitely don’t want to bring it up but I don’t want to push away too much. Which of these two options seems the most appropriate? I don’t want to blow this.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 23, 2016 at 3:26 pm
Why not have brunch instead? Shorter and you keep to have the chance for a fun chat? If not viable, make sure you don’t have sex with him.