The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,801 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Short term

December 26, 2015 at 3:13 pm

Is NC still suggested if the relationship was only a couple of months?
Tiffany

December 22, 2015 at 3:35 pm

Hi Chris!

I’ve been reading your website for the last couple of weeks for advice, just like everybody else.

My ex boyfriend and I were together for 5 years. We were high school sweethearts, so on so forth. We fell in love hard and there was one breakup prior to this one. Long story short, we got back together and he said “something about me couldn’t let you go because no matter what happens I love you even if I tried to hide it, I couldn’t fight it.”

After high school, he joined the Army and of course I faithfully waited for him, then we got engaged!

I broke up with him in November 2015. For months, he had been complaining that we spent too much time together, so I told him that if you want more time to yourself then we’ll just take a break. Then I asked him “if you felt that we spent ‘too much’ time together, then why didn’t you want to take a break or break up with me?” and he replied “I don’t have it in me to leave you”

So we broke up, and within 24 hours of this happening… I regretted DEEPLY even mentioning this. Then I wanted him back. At first, I begged for him back. Then I stopped begging after that day. The day he moved out, we both said that we’ll always love each other and there’s no one else. Also, he didn’t take the idea of taking a break too well, he was immediately hurt and was shocked I was the one saying this.

Even though we broke up, we still had a college class together. He chose to sit next to me every time, and he was always smiling at me. Throughout the classes, he tried talking to me and even then, he would be somehow manage to touch me (i.e. *leans in, touching shoulder to shoulder* “hey can I borrow a pen?”) This went on for weeks. He even jumped in front of someone to sit next to me on the last day of class for the semester. Then he got me

My birthday is in the third week of November, and he still got me a birthday gift. He got me a hoodie and cotton candy. I know, cotton candy and a hoodie? That’s not romantic. Well, when I was a freshman in high school when we first got together, he used to surprise me from time to time, buying me cotton candy because I LOVED it! So perhaps he was trying to spring some nostalgia on me? Oh and I love hoodies, but… who doesn’t.

We hooked up 3 times after the break up, and I could tell he missed me but we never discussed it.
One time he texted me while he was really, really drunk and said some embarrassing things, including “show me the way home”.

Then as this last month progressed, he began partying and drinking just about every night. (“Oh look at me, I’m having a beer with everybody!”) He’s a binge drinker, by the way. This was painful to watch, so I stopped ‘following’ him on Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, etc. It seems like he’s having the time of his life around girls and his guy friends at the bars. Oh and we stopped hooking up, my guy friend told me to put an end to that because it would give him “power over me”.

People tell me that a guy goes out to party and drink to cover up his emotions so he doesn’t have to ‘deal with himself’. I almost recall reading something similar to that on this website. But is this true? Everyone knew I wanted him back, but after that one day I begged him back… I just stopped acting desperate all together to get him back. Internally though, I wanted to beg. But your website suggests to never EVER beg or plead or blow up his phone because that’s a no-no.

So I initiated the NC Rule a week 1/2 ago. I really came to grips and said if I wanted him back, I’m going to follow up on the NC Rule as told by Chris (you). I hope that it’s going to work. I’m working on myself and trying not to look for him at all, just cut him off cold turkey. People text me every now and then saying oh “I saw him at _______” And I live in a small town, so if he was actually dating someone, best believe someone would end up texting me asap.

Now that I’ve initiated NC, I actually have a 2 hour class with him next semester (Jan. 11)… and it would’ve been 1 whole month that I started the NC Rule. I don’t know how I’ll react when I see him in class for a whole semester, and I can’t believe its a 2 hour class to begin with. But should I continue to not contact him even if we have class together or since its been 1 whole month of NC (trust me, I won’t break NC) should I allow for some room of communication?

(Note: this class is a requirement for us both, and I don’t even think he remembers we have this class together)

And also, tell me what you think is going on here. More than anything, I want my ex back. I know I’m not saying “I’m dying without him”, but really, that’s how I feel.
Jessica

December 22, 2015 at 7:20 am

Hi Chris…I’m just very distraught over all of this, I don’t mean to be annoying and double posting but I posted a comment and now it’s gone…please help? Thanks.
Deborah

December 22, 2015 at 3:31 am

Hi Chris,
I think your site is awesome, and you have wonderful information! Just before lucking up on your site and the no contact rule, I’d just acted like a maniac with mt ex. We’d been together for over 15 years. Things have been bad with us for a while. He decided that he needed space, which I didn’t want but agreed to. We would still be in contact off and on. However, it was limited contact. He would say one thing and do another. We barely saw each other and I felt like he was avoiding me. I don’t know if someone else is involved or not. He says there isn’t but then would tell me things like “we need to talk,” or “I have something of importance to tell you.” However, he never did. When it came time to get together, or talk, there was always an “issue.” When, those “issues” surfaced, I would go ballistic – leaving countless text and voice messages. On this particular day, after my rant, I realized how crazy I was being, and decided to avoid all contact. That’s when I found out about the “no contact rule.” It gave me inspiration and a sense of empowerment. I felt much better. However, on the 25th day, I broke the rule, due to an “emergency” situation. I told myself it was okay, and I maintained diplomacy as I left a voice message. The problem is, he never responded – at all. Since, then I have been feeling like I did in the beginning – questioning, wondering, wanting answers. I’m feeling totally betrayed = he could’ve at least responded in a text (we’ve been friends for too long). The next problem, is that my “emergency” was actually resolved before I contacted him, so, I really didn’t need to go through with the contact, but of course, I did anyway. Now I feel like an idiot. What do I do now?
To be honest, I don’t know if I want him back. I miss him, but he took so much for granted. He has great characteristics, but I deserved better. Then, I’m concerned that there is a serious outside (of us) situation going on. I’m confused, but trying to remain committed to working on me.
The holidays and birthdays (both of ours) are coming up. Do I make any contact, start the no contact over, or just figure out how to work on me only? #confusedbutlovingmemore

Deborah

December 22, 2015 at 2:36 pm

Interesting…early this morning I get a text from him asking what I want for Christmas. It also says to text back bc he”s having problems receiving calls. What should I do now? I have not responded.

Sad and Confused

December 20, 2015 at 3:53 pm

I’m having a difficult time with accepting what happened between me and a guy, and I’m not even sure if it’s possible to get him back. We only dated for a few weeks, but we instantly clicked from day one. We were really into each other and have so much in common just like two peas in a pod. I would hear from him every single day. He said things such as he needed me, wanted to see me more, wanted me in his bed and to stay over so he could take me to breakfast, always wished me good morning and asked about my day every evening. And then all of a sudden, it stopped. He got busy with work and taking care of his kid, so he told me we had to take a step back because he was too overwhelmed to date anyone and doesn’t want an exclusive relationship. I believed him, but then I saw he joined a new dating site and said openly in his profile that he has time for a relationship and wants something that leads to a commitment. I made the mistake of pressing the issue and even begging him for another chance which really upset him. I don’t understand this. What happened? Before me, he divorced after a 15-year marriage and also ended a three-year relationship one year before we met. His 3-year girlfriend had a bad temper and also cheated on him. What are your thoughts? Is he afraid to settle down? Did I push him too hard for a commitment too soon in our relationship? Do I have a chance of getting him back so we can start fresh? I know a few weeks doesn’t sound like a long time to become attached to someone, but I’ve never hit it off so well and felt a connection and as comfortable with any man as I have with him. And the feelings were mutual on our very first date.
Celine

December 19, 2015 at 2:04 am

Hi Chris! Should we deactivate social media during NC?
Christine

December 19, 2015 at 1:16 am

Hi Chris, I just met this guy 2 weeks ago. The night that we met we flirted and he asked for my number. He took me and my sister to get a puppy with 2 of his friends. My sister knew one of his friends, thats how me and this guy met. Well when he dropped me and my sister off, not long after he texted and wanted to hang out but I couldn’t. We talked everyday and after 3 days passed he asked if I wanted to hang out and I said yes. We ended up just sitting in his car and talking. He even showed me where he worked. He seemed very sweet, he didn’t even push sex… But…. we did kiss a lot and hugged.. Cuddled. He told me to be more open and of course I did. It was going great. He did drink that night I didn’t, he just left a friends house when he picked me up. He said that he liked me and that he thought I was nice, a sweetheart, and beautiful. Well it started getting awkward when we were talking about our ex’s. He said his keeps contacting him and that he still loves her, but won’t leave him alone. That maybe it’ll take awhile to get over her. I asked him if I was just a rebound and he said no, then I asked if i was just there and he said yes but he didn’t want me to be. Well I told him that it sounded like he needed more time to think about things and that maybe he should talk to her and see where they go. I asked him to take me home so he could talk to her. When we get back to my house I start to get out of the car and he pulled me back in. He asked if he could have a kiss one last time. I gave him one and he grabbed my hair tie and said he was going to keep it so he didn’t forget me and kept telling me over and over that I was sweet and wasn’t like the other girls. He kept kissing me on the forehead and I got out of the car and haven’t seen him since. He seemed real interested in me. After that night I would text him almost everyday just to say hey what’s up just to see how he was and only texted me back once and ignored me the rest. I don’t get what’s going on? He’s still not back with his ex… I’m afraid I may have been clingy because I did get mad a few times for not answering me. Should I give him some time and see what happens or should I forget him completely and never talk to him again? Very confused???? Please Help!!!
Kate

December 18, 2015 at 3:46 pm

I’m having a difficult time figuring out which category I fall into for breakups. I’m not sure if it’s possible to get my guy back based on our situation. Is there any help I can get with this before deciding to move forward with XE Pro?
hawraa

December 18, 2015 at 6:33 am

Should i text him after 30 days and what shall i say ?or wait for him to text??
Lilian

December 18, 2015 at 6:06 am

Hi Chris, i love your site and station! I’ve comment before but didnt get a response from you. When 5 months ago my ex(33) and i (27)met, he just moved here and said he wanted to date around and see whos out there and didnt want a relationship but we were so happy together and had great connection/chemistry that we ended up being together. but not being able to date around here like he wanted was bothering him. So he broke up saying if we cont. he will marry me but then he’ll be unhappy for not dating like he wanted so he broke up saying he isnt ready..(he always says i have everything in a woman hed marry and always talks about babies) i did NC once for 2 weeks but broke it and text to see him, he told me how much he missed me and told me how much he cares and trusts and respects me. but said we cant cont.. i was persistent and cried bcuz i love him but hes stubborn about dating around.. i const. hear from several ppl that he const. talks about me such as how gorgeous, amazing, caring and strong i am,how much he cares and adores and respects me and etc. it doesnt make sense. im on NC again for a week and def. will keep going this time! Id appreciate it so much if you can help me!
Ju

December 17, 2015 at 11:56 pm

I slept with my ex during the no contact.

Chris Seiter

January 16, 2016 at 10:44 pm

Well, it’s not really no contact then…

A

December 16, 2015 at 9:48 pm

Chris,

I bought your book & have followed through with 30 days of no contact. He didn’t make any attempt to contact me at all during those 30 days. Today (day 31), I did the “I have a confession” text. He asked, “you do? What’s that?” Per instructions, I told him something light-hearted & cutesy, about how I had a particular food for dinner recently & it reminded me of him bc I had it for the first time with him. He didn’t respond… Should I do another week of no contact? Should I give up since he didn’t try to contact me at all during the 30 days & he isn’t responding after the confession text?
Lo

December 16, 2015 at 1:50 am

No comment
Melissa

December 15, 2015 at 4:59 pm

Hi,

I recently just broke up with my boyfriend. He said that he would like some time to work on his career and focus on the problems in his life. I begged and pleaded and told him that we could work on it together. He told me that he doesn’t want to work on it together especially because we are in a long distance relationship. About 2000 miles apart. He told me he loves me and that when everything is figured out, he’ll come back to me. Of course, I don’t believe this and right now I am in full blown panic. However, I told him my feelings–the good and the bad–and then told him he had his freedom.

I’m having a full blown breakdown right now considering that this all happened this morning. What I want to know is, will the no contact rule work for this? Let’s say I work on myself for two months: A full blown spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional makeover with zero contact and then go visit him after a month of talking. Will that work?

Thanks!
Lo

December 14, 2015 at 3:52 am

Would it work if he cheated on you?
Ashley

December 14, 2015 at 12:27 am

It’s day 27, can I contact him now?
I just want my baby to come home

December 13, 2015 at 9:14 pm

My boyfriend and I had an extremely honest and communicative relationship throughout the 2 1/2 years we dated. We told each other anything and everything. We went on a break starting 12/8. I’ve waited a couple days to see if he was going to do a quick rebound and come home to me but he hasn’t yet (it’s currently 12/13) so I’ve decided to try out your techniques. My #1 fear with the NC rule is that he will ask why I didn’t talk to him for 30 days and why I ignored his attempts to reach out to me. I fear once I start talking to him again he will be mad and upset that I left him out of my life. This 30 day break is going to be inclusive of the end of his first semester of his freshman year at college, his trip to Africa, my birthday, Christmas, New Years, and the start of his second semester at college. With so many big events, I fear he will be angry that I have ignored him throughout it all. After all, he DID want to stay friends, and I told him I’d always be there for him. So my question is, will implementing the NC rule have a risk of losing him completely? Or do you think it’s worth it?

Thanks
Nakita

December 12, 2015 at 2:40 pm

My ex boyfriend is my daughters father. We have broken up for a month. I really want to be a couple again. He still comes over to cuddle. He has told me he loves me. He does want me. I will always have him. He will always be by my side. We broken up because a cycle of events have taken place. He told me our relationship was stressful. He wanted us to mature more and break this ongoing problem cycle. He has cheated on me. I believe that’s why it is hard for me to believe that he is not seeing any other girls. He told me I was the only one. I really want my family. What do I do? The no contact is hard. He texted me sometimes & most time I initiate things. He is helping me with my apartment. He has a key as well. He told me he love coming home to us. How do I get him back.
Marie

December 11, 2015 at 2:49 pm

I quit seeing my ex 5 weeks ago and have only politely responded since. I felt bad ignoring him, so I texted him back and answered the phone when he called (two responses total). When he called I told him that we couldn’t be friends, and now he’s stopped. I’m worried I’ll go too long on NC, since we’ve been barely talking. Waiting a full 30 days will put me at 50 days since we broke up, is that too long?

Chris Seiter

December 11, 2015 at 7:00 pm

You shouldn’t be talking to him at all, you will have to start over with no contact and that means ignoring him completely. Do not tell him your doing it.

No I’ve had people do this after months and still have success.

Gem

December 11, 2015 at 11:45 am

Does this also work on a guy I have been dating which recently dropped the “let’s take it bit slower”? I’m giving him space, and last week I applied NC for 3 days and he contacted me, and he keeps contacting me.

For some kind of reason it gave me a bit of a powerfeeling when he contacted me first after a few days of NC….

Hope to hear from you Chris!

Chris Seiter

December 11, 2015 at 7:11 pm

If you are still dating just take a step back and act like you don’t care as much. Don’t go full no contact unless your broken up.

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6,801 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”