The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,801 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Courtney

December 8, 2015 at 7:44 pm

Hi I need so advice or help.
My ex broke up with me a week ago. He said that he does not want to be in a relationship with anyone. He also told me that he has not been happy but not because of me. I feel like we left things okay. I know that he has a lot on his mind right now about figuring out what he wants to do with his life and he also wants a job so he is a bit stressed out. I want to believe that he just could not handle a relationship on top of all of his other issues and that he will come back eventually. You should also know that he has OCD and he is bi polar. He has not tried to contact me at all. I heard from several people that he is very sad and it was very hard for him to let me go. He broke up with me over text because he would not have been able to let me go in person. I just do not know what to do other than give him space and hope that he comes back. What should I do? Will he come back?
Sarah

December 7, 2015 at 6:50 pm

Does the 30 day no contact rule and whole process apply to someone you were dating for several weeks and it got hot and heavy too fast and ended? I’d like to try again with him at a slower normal pace.
Missy

December 7, 2015 at 12:56 pm

So my ex broke up with me after two years because he said he heard some things about me which he did not like. I was fine with the break because I have been faithful as faithful could be. I than found out that he has a 5-7 month baby girl who was conceived before him and I got serious but neglected to tell me about. So that made me upset that he could trust me enough to talk to me about it. Now we had a big argument about my living arrangements; I moved in his friend in my apartment because I was struggling with rent. He is very upset and wants nothing to do or speak with me. I was wrong and acknowledge that I should of spoke with him first but I needed help were he was lacking at. I just started the NC rule but its difficult because there is serious issues we need to talk about. Should I continue with the NC rule?

Chris Seiter

December 7, 2015 at 3:36 pm

Definitely continue!

Jade

December 6, 2015 at 8:05 pm

My boyfriend and I had been together for almost two years. He broke up with me 2 weeks ago exactly. I have been implementing the no contact rule since 2 days after our breakup, with the exception of being short and friendly with him at school. The day after our breakup I did everything wrong. I texted him non stop and called him non stop until he agreed to talk to me. I told him I loved him and missed him and begged for him to give me another chance, because he had given into those tactics in the past. My problem is that on day 2 of the breakup I called him up and told him I was going to give him the space he needed, and that it was up to him to contact me when he felt he was ready to talk again. Did I essentially destroy the effect of the no contact rule by telling him I planned on not talking to him unless he talked to me first? Now, will the no contact rule not have any of the same effects on him because he is expecting it? Is there any way I can fix this? I don’t want my chances to be ruined because I ruined the no contact rule. He seems to be pursuing me in person, but has not tried to contact me outside of school yet.
Alyssa

December 6, 2015 at 2:02 am

Hello. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. We go to two different colleges, 5 and a half hours apart… That in itself is tricky. I met a guy friend up here at my school, who ended up kissing me. I broke things off with him, and of course told my boyfriend about it. Then after a few weeks, I saw this guy again and we sat down and talked and he apologized for what he did, and I tried to be the bigger person and forgive him. I told my boyfriend, but he was not okay with that. So I broke things off again. Then I was on Skype with my boyfriend the other night, and that boy just randomly walks into my room! I immediately hung up on my boyfriend out of complete panic. Now he feels hurt, lied to, and unimportant. He said I have lost his trust, which is reasonable. He has still kept a little bit of contact, but I don’t know what my boundaries are. If I don’t talk to him, does that mean I am not trying to earn his trust back, therefore giving up? But I also want to give him time and space to heal, and not annoy him. I do want to do anything I can to earn his trust back, but I don’t know if the NC rule will hurt or help in this case… What are your thoughts?
Laura

December 5, 2015 at 4:35 pm

Chris, what should I do if he never tried to reach me during the 30 days of NC ?

Chris Seiter

December 7, 2015 at 6:04 pm

You contact him after NC.

lauren

December 4, 2015 at 11:55 pm

Hi chris I’m in a bit of an awfull situation.
I married my husband this year he was my sweetheart for 10 years,we have a gorgeous 6 month old baby together….however he once made a threat to kill and police were involved and took our baby saying I couldn’t protect her from him because I stayed in a relationship with my husband.
We broke up for a week,then he stalked me.waited for me called me 100 times a day ect….since police have been involved and issued him an harrassment order but told the police he loves me and wants to be with me,I know I’m selfish and silly but I really need him atm but I’m too proud to break the order.

Chris Seiter

December 7, 2015 at 6:07 pm

I am confused….

He threatened you?

Celine

December 4, 2015 at 2:33 pm

Hello Chris, first of all thank you for all your great advice!
We were together for few months and but he broke up. He told me “I wanted to date around and see who’s out there” but we had great chemistry and got along perfect so he ended up being with me. (Hes early 30’s I’m mid 20’s) He told me I have everything he’s looking for in a woman he’d marry and that he felt like if we cont. he’ll marry me but that wouldn’t be good because he first wants to date and see who is out there and if there’s someone better.. I’m on day 16 of NC.. I heard he keeps talking about me such as “I usually only tall women but she was perfect,gorgeous and nice and smart, I great chemistry so I made an exception but she wanted too much and I still wanna see who’s out there and also I’m tall(6’3) and she’s short (5’4)I don’t want to risk having short sons in the future, it’s my main reason for breaking up, but I respect her a lot that’s why I’m not over her yet but I don’t want her back” and etc!! .. Do you think NC will make him realize things and come back?
Thank you!!
aminise

December 4, 2015 at 2:23 pm

Can you use NC rule on someone you’re dating and have not yet been intimate with?

aminise

December 8, 2015 at 9:38 am

Thank you Chris
Chris Seiter

December 7, 2015 at 6:10 pm

Ya of course.

Natalie

December 4, 2015 at 9:12 am

Hi, does the no contact rule still apply if I messed up and hurt him? He left because hes hurt and angry and not sure if he can forgive me. He still loves me but is terrified I ll hurt him again. Im not sure the no contact rule is the best approach in this situation…wont this make him think I dont care?

Chris Seiter

December 7, 2015 at 6:10 pm

Yup it still applies.

Christie

December 4, 2015 at 5:08 am

Hey Chris. My relationship problems started a month ago. I thought everything was great until I noticed my boyfriend was being very distant. It turns out he said he needed to go on a break, for 2 weeks. Of course I failed miserably at giving him space. He refused to talk to me at all, no matter what. For about 2-3 weeks. Then he finally answered. He started mentioning a break up, and how he’s “Tired of the struggle”. The struggle is because we are long distance, I am willing to move this spring and I told him that. Still he wants to continue the break. He also mentioned how he doesn’t want to sit in front of his computer all the time to hang out with me. I told him that it’s only until I can move there (if he still wants) and that we would only have to hang out like once a week if he wanted to. Here is where it gets really messy. After he went into the 2nd break (because i messed up the first one) I started taking depression meds. I believe that is what caused me to start having these “suicidal thoughts”. It got really bad on Monday, and I called my boyfriend alot. When he finally answered I told him that I was just going to end it all, because I couldn’t take the pain anymore. This is NOT who I am. I have never entertained these thoughts before. I stopped taking the depression meds, and since then I haven’t had these thoughts. We talked again later that afternoon, he said he wants to break up because “there are too many problems”. But he also says he loves me, and that he knows I am without a doubt his soul mate. I told him that I have always given him second chances whenever he fucked up, so I deserve one too. I told him if I mess up my second chance, that he can walk away and I’ll never talk to him again. So he agreed to give me “one last chance”. He asked what that entailed. I said a second chance is to show him that this crazy girl is NOT me, that it’s just the events that happened over the last month (getting ignored completely) and the long distance. He agreed to retry “the break” of 2 weeks. He really hasn’t had a break from me I guess, since I have bombarded him with calls and texts whenever he’s tried it before. I asked him if he was comitted to making this work, and he said yes. At the same time, he seemed kind of hesitant, and still distant. I am determined to not say anything to him for 2 weeks (or more if he doesn’t contact me first), that’s not the problem. I’m just worried that my talk of “suicide” or my extreme acts of desperation has ruined things. Like, what if he thinks I’m crazy, and is only pretending like he’s going to try and make this work because he’s afraid i’m going to off myself? Or even worse, what if he thinks I am just trying to manipulate him into staying with me? I only said something about it to him because he’s my best friend. And I definitely wouldn’t kill myself… or manipulate him. I want to tell him these things, but I can’t because I can’t fuck up No Contact. Again, this is not the person I am, and I am facepalming so hard thinking about the things I said on Monday. Is there absolutely any way to come back from this? Or is he going to see me as a psycho forever? I am so ashamed… Please Chris, any advice would be appreciated…
Holly

December 4, 2015 at 1:12 am

Chris,

I began no contact 3 months after the break up and I’m wondering if I waited way too long and how to proceed.

We had been together for two years (in our mid-30s) and were discussing getting engaged. I was getting tired of waiting and while he acted like engagement was inevitable, I was getting nervous that there seemed to be a lot of foot dragging. Things got tense and we were arguing all the time. We saw that we were stuck and breaking up was intended to have us move forward together or separately. He said he needed to figure out what was holding him back from wanting to propose, and I needed to stop being part of the back and forth where I felt like I was pressuring him rather than feeling wanted.

We decided to stay friendly during the process. We ended up getting along great. We spoke every 1-2 weeks. When he asked me how I felt about us, I told him I was trying not to think about us too much, but instead had been focusing on what I want in a partner and who I want to be in a relationship. After about 2 months, we had a deep conversation and made out and it was great (I stopped it before it went too far). A week later he left me a thoughtful card with a note and a little surprise. The next two times we saw each other after that, we had a really great time and he would kiss me goodnight like it was no big deal. After the second goodnight kissI finally asked him if I should be paying attention to what he stated one month ago (he did not want to date others, but he was not looking to get back together with me) or should I respond to the closeness I had felt over the past three times we were together. We had a talk where he was kind and sensitive and then said he felt ready to date others.

A few days later, I formally cut off contact. I personally dropped off a letter, gave him a warm hug and kiss on the cheek and walked away. The letter stated essentially that I had really enjoyed exploring what things were like between us after we had each made positive changes and that I care about him very much, but that I will absolutely not be the girl he can kiss and then talk about wanting to date other girls with. I was clear that if we were to continue exploring, I would not be okay with him dating others. I told him I could not be his friend if I am going to move on to other men and wished him well. I was very calm, kind, and respectable through the whole thing and let him know that I didn’t expect the letter to change his behavior and that he should do whatever is best for him. Rather, I highlighted the personal work I had been doing, including trying to let go of acting out of fear. I let him know that if I was going to lose him, I prefer losing him being brave, not because I couldn’t be.

Since then, I’ve been following no contact, keeping busy, talking to other guys, and going on dates. I’m just not sure whether or not I should leave a window in my heart open for this guy. 3 weeks with no response seems pretty definitive to me. I would really value your thoughts, especially since NC was so late-coming.
Cara

December 3, 2015 at 7:52 pm

Met him over the summer. He adamantly pursued me despite my protestations that I was “not ready” for a relationship. Would come over, build my furniture, walk my dog and the like. After two months of this we wound up boyfriend and girlfriend and I fell for him too. I was one year out of a four year relationship. He told me he was as well. Three weeks ago he told me that though they ended a year ago, they didn’t stop sleeping exclusively with each other until about two months before he met me. He told me “I am scared if I continue to date you that you will be the last person I ever date and I broke up with my ex to date around.” He then said he loved me but needed to date more before committing, he reiterated over and over that he “loves me, and doesn’t expect me to wait around, but is not ready.” On the one hand I feel like I should just give the guy some space and have faith that maybe after NC he will miss me. On the other, is this some kind of mind game that I should run away from? Its been 10 days of NC minus a “Happy Thanksgiving” text from him and I feel like a psycho to the point of having to comment to a guy on a random website.
Gladriel

December 3, 2015 at 7:52 pm

Hi,
I was in this amazing relationship for past 6 months. However, due to stress and lack of time we would gradually end up spending less and less time with each other although we are in the same university. I felt there was lack of effort from the man’s side to shell out time for me…and I was not at all ready for so fast a deterioration in the quality of time spent with each other. I mean, had this scenario developed a year later or so, I would have understood. But it’s been only 6 months ! Romance WAS supposed to be at its peak !
I started feeling less appreciated and taken for granted and used to get angry at small things, which gave him a platform to say that we both lacked compatibility. First time he let me know of this feeling, I broke down, did the usual begging and crying to give it a second shot. We did. But as expected, it didn’t go pretty well and eventually we parted ways one day.

This time, honestly, I did not feel THAT sad the day we parted. However, it has still not been easy. Nostalgia creeps in every now and then, I miss his touch, I miss planning weekends with him…nevertheless I keep myself busy. However, a part of my heart still wishes we could reunite. I had visualized a future with him. I know what I need to change about myself to keep the relation healthy, I know I can communicate to him what HE needs to work on…I really, truly, want to give it another shot.

I have maintained NC strictly this time, since the day he dumped me finally. I strictly avoided eye-contact with him to let him know that I didn’t wish to stay in touch with him, at all, at least as of now. I have been going out with friends…enjoying…and he has SEEN me enjoying too. I was hoping he could see me moving on and staying busy.

However, I have had TWO MAJOR GOOF-UPs in my NC !!

1) One day I was feeling really, REALLY sad and just needed to be alone and vent it out. SO I sat alone in the park where we often used to hangout. It was a different feeling altogether. I was bringing myself to peace.
But just then som of our common friends spotted me and came over to cheer me up by playing music on mobile etc. Sure, their intention was sweet, but I’m also sure that they might have gone back and told him “we saw her sitting alone and teary-eyed”

2) I went to a party with some friends and was all nicely dressed up. I wished he could see me when I was back. But…guess what? I had been happy and roaming around with friends all this while. Suddenly I again started feeling the pang of sorrow and asked a friend to take me out of the crowd as i needed to vent out a bit. And THAT was when he saw me…all dressed, looking nice, sure, but…..crying over the shoulder of a guy-friend, with that guy comforting me. SHIT ! the last thing i wanted him to see me as was a wreck like that !
I indeed put on a happy face thereafter soon and mingled with the crowd, but i guess the damage had been done.

Later that night i learnt from a close friend ( a girl) that my ex had contacted her a day ago , and enquired about me…asking if I was fine, how i was doing, and that he was intimidated to contact me as i was showing clear reluctance to talk. He even told her that he didnt WANT to breakup and it happened as the circumstances led to it (dafuq was that?? even i dont know !!)
So main point : he even told her…that I’m the kind of girl who would put up a strong face before everyone, show that I’m happy, but within I’m a very emotional and sentimental person who is probably hurting every moment. He asked that girl to “take care” of me as a friend. The girl however was smart enough to tell him i was ACTUALLY doing fine, and wasnt the weak person he was thinking me to be. She indeed did me a favour.

But….now i feel …i’ve lost my upperhand. He has heard and witnessed my real sadness twice !. So now he knows I haven’t really moved on….although I’m surrounded by friends. Is it a total goof-up? Had i known he had had this conversation with that girl…I would have taken care NOT to cry outside my room at all…so that he stayed under the impression that I was actually not affected by the breakup. But now, I have lost the chance. He KNOWs it has affected me.

Has this reduced the chances of my attracting him back?
I know you have told in many places that what attracts a guy is the happy, confident and cheerful personality of a lady….which even I know. That was what actually drew him to me initially.
Now that he has seen me weak, is it a big damage?
Although later on he saw me having fun with others…singing and dancing, slightly high on rum. He observed me for a long time.I maintained no-eye-contact strictly.But does it negate the earlier impression?

I feel so sorry that all my effort to make him feel that I give absolutely no darn about the breakup, went down the drain in just one evening.
Can i still do some damage control?
Please help.
Beth

December 2, 2015 at 10:40 pm

Hello,
I have a very specific question (It´s not about one particular relationship, I think this could help all of us, and it wasn´t covered on the article, which I quite enjoyed)

When it comes to No Contact, I understand clearly the part where I shouldn´t call or text him, like his FB status, etc. If I do so, the 30 day count starts over. Here´s my question regarding No Contact:
1.- If I don´t contact him, but sent some sort of “indirect message” through social network, should the count start over as well? you know, for example, if he cheated, and you couldn´t refrain yourself from sharing an image with a quote like “Cheating is easy, try something challenging like being faithful”, or if he couldn´t commit, and you post an article about how men can´t commit to independent women because they are intimidated, etc. I mean, you don´t write his name on it at all, it´s just on your wall, but he will know it´s about him, right? does that count as contact? Because I´m sure it carries the possibility of making you appear as hurt and all, How bad is it? If it does, indeed count as breaking no contact, maybe could you mention that on the article? If we fail at this, should we restart No Contact all over? Or is there a smaller penalty?
I just read your article on how 30-45 days is okay, but 66 is too much. So If i am on let´s say, day 25, and I just can´t hold it in, and make one of those posts, should I start over? That would make 55 days, 🙁 what if it happens again, and the 66 days pass, and he maybe didn´t even read the post?

I hope it doesn´t sound too stupid. I mean, are there any women out here that maybe have done this? how bad is it?

Thankyou!
Maybe Im Blind

December 2, 2015 at 10:30 pm

Hi Chris,
So my bf of 3 years broke up with me 2 days ago. We had been arguing more over the past few months and just gone downhill. He had been having trouble sleeping for a few months. He had told me he couldn’t be in a relationship right now due to stress, anxiety, and the sleeping problems. He said he thought he was depressed. He teared up when he came over to pick up his stuff. He asked if we can be friends and I said we couldnt. but then he walked in again and said screw that, that I can reach out to him if I want. He left and we have had no contact ever since. I plan on doing the 30 day NC. But im confused because I saw (i know I shouldnt have) that he messaged his friend saying “free man” the day after. his friend replied “party time” to which my ex said “more like going to the doctor”(for his health issues). It’s mixed signals bc he breaks up with me yet cried, hugged me, and wanted to be friends with me but then on the other handhe texts that to his friend….Also, i know i shouldnt delete him off facebook if theres hope for us, but I should definitely our pictures together right?

Thanks so much. Your articles are so helpful
Car

December 1, 2015 at 4:57 pm

Hi Chris,
My boyfriend of 8.5 months broke things off with me 9 days ago with reasons that did not make any sense. We had a very happy relationship – no arguments – got along very well – enjoyed each others company etc. He was the one to always initiate contact with me – EVERYDAY and we mainly saw each other 2-3 times a week. We are both single parents… And his ex hurt him very bad (so did mine, but I have had years to heal where as his is still fairly fresh). I contacted him three days after he broke up with me – just to wish him a happy birthday, and left his reply unanswered. We have now been NC 6 days. I hope the NC works as he and I were so compatible and we did have a good relationship… It’s just strange to me that someone could be happy with someone else and end things. Any thoughts?

Bri

December 4, 2015 at 5:57 am

My bf said things weren’t working out because he feels like he cant give me the time that I want. He even said that he thinks i should be with someone that can give me the time i want. He said that he still wants to be friends so we agreed on that. A day after he texted me saying that he hopes we can be friends and that he wanted to say goodnight before he went to bed. Its been two weeks and we’ve been in somewhat constant contact. He just texted me again. i think i still want to be with him. i going to start the no contact rule maybe for a week just see. Any thoughts? (we were together since august’15
Dianne Greene

December 2, 2015 at 2:52 am

Hi Chris,

My BF broke up with me 2.5 months ago. We stayed in touch and discussed our relationship for a month before I got sick of it and started NC. We were NC for 7 days and he tried to call and text. Then on the 15th day of NC I caved and asked him how he was doing…and got no response. I’ve tried texting on and off for the past month and he hasn’t responded to a single message. Not even messages asking to get my things back and give him his stuff. Whats going on? 🙁
Chris Seiter

December 2, 2015 at 12:10 am

Ah rebound relationships are tough. He probably is still hurt and needs time to heal from the first relationship. It’s definitely possible you will get back together. You have to make him regret losing you by doing no contact and then remind him with text messages subtly how great your relationship was.

Kendra Vasquez

November 30, 2015 at 10:32 pm

Hey, So my boyfriend wants nothing to do with me and before i new this i messaged him as many as 3 times and i miss him so much but know he has a girlfriend and i just cant stand to watch them together

Chris Seiter

December 2, 2015 at 12:26 am

Start no contact. You will have to accept that he has a gf right now. Sometimes it comes down to patience.

Carol

November 27, 2015 at 5:11 am

Hi Chris,
My boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me through text 2 days ago because of a big fight we had. We’ve impulsively broken up before but only for a few days (2 weeks the most) and we’d eventually get back together. I am planning to talk to him in person tomorrow because I think breaking up through text is improper especially since we’ve been together for so long. Do you think I should talk to him in persons first and see how it turns out before I do the no contact rule or should I just do the no contact rule immediately? I feel like i have to talk to him first since I haven’t really tried to do anything yet (not even a text message) since he broke up with me the other day. I really need your opinion on this. Thank you!
Rose

November 27, 2015 at 3:24 am

Hi Chris,Hi Eric,
My ex and I broke up 4 days ago, we have 8 years of age gap, I am older. We started hanging out earlier this year and after 2 months of hanging out, I forced him to do something and he was not happy about it so I left his place in rush after that
he said he wants a break his reasoning was that it feels like relationship when it’s not and he really can’t have a woman in his life at the moment so I let him go, he came back after nearly 2 months and then things stared from just where we left it. It was more than casual hook up this time, we admitted that we were seeing each other. I met his family once and his mom twice. Things were great and all of a sudden we broke up just 4 days ago, he feels that he is not good enough for me, he thinks I deserve way more that what he can give me. Since we have age gap, he thinks that I will be ready for a serious relationship way ahead than he will be and when that happens I will not wait for him and I will leave him leaving him heart broken and hurt. He said that the more he sees me the more he likes me and now that he loves me it’s even more hard, so he pulled the plug saying the more we spend time together the harder it is going to be, and it’s already hard because he loves me. He said he doesn’t want to wake up one day and find himself lost without me in his life. We admitted that we love each other. I told him that I want to be with him and he said he wants that too but at the same time we have to be real.
I told him if he really wants to go I will let me go but he needs to tell me that he really wants to go he replied saying he doesn’t want to go but we can’t keep on doing this as it is going to be harder. So I let him go and told him that, this is his decision which he made for both of us. The whole time we were hugging each other and crying, we just couldn’t stop crying.I have realised that I really love him. I don’t know what to do. I have decided to give him space for now, because it didn’t feel like that was the goodbye, I could be wrong but my guts and my intuition says it’s not the good bye. I need your guidance and help.

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6,801 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”