The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,801 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Ashley

November 26, 2015 at 1:17 pm

We were together about six months. He cheated on me because he stated he was tired of us always arguing. I tried to hang on for two weeks….doing everything you shouldn’t. Saying how awful she was, how good we could be. Begging. Pleading. Texting. He kept trying to set up for us to meet and talk because I said I needed closure and he would just cancel. With canceling, we would fight. Eventually, two weeks we had the final blow out. Ending with, I’ll be okay I don’t need you, etc. The last thing, he said was that he would miss me and the fun we had. I started no contact to keep sane. Also to keep sane, I would check his snapchat total to see if he was still alive. Well, he deleted me from there and hasn’t reached out. And I’m going on week three and I want to reach out. I feel like he’s forgetting about me. I was doing this, to try to save this. Not to push him away. I’ve seen where constant contact didn’t work in the past and I thought this would work. I miss him. Why doesn’t he miss me? I just need something positive here, I don’t want to reach out but I really want to at the same time. Help.
Stephanie

November 24, 2015 at 8:11 pm

Chris-

How do you suggest I approach the no contact rule when there is a child involved. My ex of 5.5 years decided to leave because he wasn’t happy and said he doesn’t think he will ever be happy in our relationship. I can’t avoid all contact with him because we have an 18 month old son and he is still very much in his life. I love my ex, and while I admit we had problems I have been willing and trying to work on them so that we can be happy and so that we can be together as a family. I just bought the complete package, but I need advice badly!!

Chris Seiter

December 2, 2015 at 6:44 am

What kind of problems are you having? Write down all of the issues and then make sure when you get back together they don’t reoccur. Start with limited contact since you have a child together. Keep your contact limited only to the child. Be super nice but aloof when you see him. Work on yourself during your no contact. Anything that you’ve wanted to change or do, do it. You may need to use a little jealously in this situation.

Emma

November 23, 2015 at 3:16 pm

Can 30 days be to short an amount of time for him to be ready? Not just to talk, but to be ready to get back together for good.
He broke up because he needed to see what it would feel like to be alone. We are just 21, so he says he need to try other things before he can commit but we have already been together for more than 5 years.
So even if I start to text him and try to build acttration after 30 days of no contact (I’m on day 9) couldn’t it be too soon to try? What should I do in a situation like this after I end the no contact period?
He haven’t contacted me at all since the break up.

Chris Seiter

December 3, 2015 at 6:07 am

It takes longer then 30 days to get back together that is just the first step. You need to rebuild attraction slowly. It can take up to 6 months to get him back.

30 days should be sufficient, don’t go longer.

Heart broken

November 23, 2015 at 11:36 am

My boyfriend an i have been together for 6years. we were in a happy place and had plans for our future. we were going to get our own place then he was made redundant. he has spent all his money and now finding it hard to get a job. we had a fight like normal over something minor and he told me he no longer can be in a relationship with me as he needs to be selfish with his time and thoughts. i could not understand why and kept on at him with the WHY’s. we have always been a team and done everything together -good and bad. he said some really horrible things to me which was so weird as its so out of character.

A few days later of me nagging him he said he no longer feels the same way about me as he did. which i do not believe, we recently got back from an amazing holiday and had brought stuff for our “new house” we planned to get. how do you feel so cold just a week after that.

is he in pain due to not having a job? there are so many questions i want answers to but im afraid of calling as it may make things worst. what do i do? i dont want to give up the best 6 years of my life
Jessica

November 23, 2015 at 1:53 am

Hi Chris,

My boyfriend of 7 months has recently started becoming distant. We had a conversation about it and he said he didn’t know why he was acting this way but he feels terrible and he assured me that i havent done anything wrong. He said he doesnt want to break up yet but would like some time apart (guess you can call it a “break”) to think about things and i agreed to it. I’m just wondering if i should use the no contact rule in this case even though we are technically not broken up? I am hoping that going NC might make him realize what he’d be losing and make him come back to me sooner. What do you think?
Thanks!
Fiona Fitzpatrick

November 21, 2015 at 7:46 pm

I blocked my ex on facebook last week because I seen he was in a new relationship less than 2 months after we broke up, was this wrong?

Chris Seiter

December 2, 2015 at 6:52 am

Yes can you unblock him?

Kia

November 21, 2015 at 1:53 pm

Hey Chris,

My daughters father and I broke up Friday Oct 30, 2014 because I went through his phone again because I have insecurities after him cheating on me 4 times. Well we decided to break up and focus on ourselves because the relationship has not gone anywhere. We both have admit our faults to each and now trying to change everything. Meanwhile, we still see each other and have relations. It is complicated because it feels like we together but we know we are not. He still tells me he love me. He said he wanted to be with me but so much… So much has happen between us that this break makes me think about the good times instead of the bad times. I tried the MC. It has helped. He has reached out and initiate every text. He checks on his daughter and I. He still calls me baby, bae, & tell me all the things he used to tell me. He does not want to move on and he constantly tell me he does not want me to move on. He wants me to wait on him and he knows I will. He said I’m loyal and he will always love me and come back to me no matter what. && so much crazy stuff has happened in our relationship and we always seem to reconnect always. This is actually our first real break up.

Kia

November 21, 2015 at 2:01 pm

What should I do? Should I wait on him? Is this all false hope. I’m moving soon and he’s financially going to help w/ everything . He wants a key too but he won’t be there every night he says. He has always taken care of his daughter and I. Our relationship had some bumps that involve infidelity on his end, trust and communication. The three opponents that we needed. Lately, I have not been getting any of those feeling from him. It is crazy! We are communicating better. I try to trust his words. I’m so confused about this break up and what is going on. I feel we complicated everything. What should I do? Is this good for us to reconnect? I want him back as a boyfriend and wish he could stay this way and I feel this way instead of insecure, depressed and questioning every mood. I find my mind thinking otherwise still but I pray and not try to overthink because I know that is NOT healthy.

Zz

November 20, 2015 at 1:10 pm

We have not had any communication in 7 days.The 8 th day he texted that he will call me this weekend to talk. What to do? CONTINUE NO CONTACT.
Amy

November 19, 2015 at 10:57 pm

What about watching his snapchat “my story” (he gets notified). We didn’t really have a “breakup”, I just said no to his downgraded definition of the relationship when I asked. He is very prideful and would never make any move back. I do think he will miss me and won’t know what to do (not very communicative). He has sent a little promising hint to me in his snapchat stories before. Cut them off, watch them intermittantly?
Sarah

November 18, 2015 at 8:11 pm

Should you block your boyfriend on the phone and also facebook.

Chris Seiter

November 18, 2015 at 9:37 pm

No

Patty

November 18, 2015 at 2:28 pm

Hey Chris ……
Need help regarding this ex boyfriend recovery.
Zz

November 18, 2015 at 1:04 pm

He says he does not know what he wants. He says give him time. What is he really saying? We have had no contact in 6 days. Advice?
LC

November 17, 2015 at 8:23 pm

Hi,
My ex was going through a divorce with a psychopath (he actually still is), and we broke up so that he could work on getting his head straight, but still spoke every day, saw each other once a week at least (he lives about an hour away), told each other we loved her, hung out with his family and friends, and up to 6 weeks ago, we were talking about going on vacation, and he told me that outside of his child, I was the most important person in his life. 2 weeks after that, he dissappeared. When I asked him if he was seeing someone, he said yes, she lived in town, but he was still seeing other people. 2 weeks later I saw pictures of them while creeping on instagram, and it looked more than casual, so I asked him about it, and he said he was not seeing anyone besides her, but his ex wife was already trying to ruin it. I asked him why not me, and he told me there was no good reason, and coming to the city was hard, and that this was easy right now. Our conversation continued via text and progressed into him volunteering to help me redecorate my apartment several times, sending me photos of what he was going to wear for the holidays, and bringing up stories of concerts we went to, people we met on our travels, and his crazy soon to be ex wife, and he kept telling me what a good person I am. I know he sounds like a mess, (and is) but we are great together. I haven’t done no contact for more than 5 days, but am starting fresh now. I realize that I was an initial rebound, but is this second person also (who also has a very complicated ex relationship with the father of her child)? Do I have a shot here or am i dead in the water?
Judy

November 17, 2015 at 5:48 am

Hey Chris!
I’m on Day 22 of NC and heard via a mutual male friend that my ex plans to text me soon (my friend said to my ex that I still have feelings – which I didn’t expect). If my ex does make contact, how do I respond? Do I wait a day to respond, or respond casually and see where the conversation goes, or ignore it until 30 days NC is complete? Some background: We broke up a month ago – it wasn’t very amicable – I didn’t feel valued – we talked about it, my ex felt backed in a corner and said he didn’t know what he wanted. This surprised me – I assumed we’d work through the issues – and so I made the break-up official the next day because I figured he can’t be that into me if he doesn’t know what he wants. But maybe I “pushed’ a bit much too soon at only 5 months together? My expectations are high, maybe too much so at times. I compared our relationship/him to an ex-fiancé who really did set an ‘above average’ benchmark when it comes to dating and romancing. Maybe it’s also worth mentioning that my ex and I both went through bad breakups last year, and finding each other has totally helped both of us move on from those breakups. I really like this guy, but I am scared to get into another long-term relationship that doesn’t go anywhere. I’ve started a diary for my 30-day NC challenge – in some ways, I’d hoped for NC to help me move on, but then secretly wishing we might get back together at the same time (talk about confused, but I figured I’d know whether I should contact him or not after 30 days is up!). After 3 weeks of NC and loads of socializing and meeting new people, I still hold out for him. The post-breakup hit me harder than I thought. Mmmm…
Halee

November 16, 2015 at 6:05 pm

It has been 2 weeks since my ex broke up with me. We lived together for 2 years before we started dating, and have been dating for 2 years. He recently lost his job and moved back home which is 4 hours away. We recently got in a fight and he broke up with me before we could talk about the fight. My big delem is that when he moved he he took everything that we both owned and put it in storage 4 hours away. I need to get my things back from him, it will be a Uhaul worth of items, and his items and my items are packed together. So there is a few hours of sorting through our things. We had planned for me to move there once he found a job. Should I finish the no contact (2 more weeks) or should I contact him to pick up my things.
Katherine

November 16, 2015 at 4:22 am

I was only seeing my guy for about six weeks. We had a great connection – different than the usual connection and, because we’re older (50ish), these kinds of connections are rarer. He seemed to really like me and I really liked him. He stopped talking to me because of a health issue I told him about (literally was talking daily and then disappeared within days of finding out about it, eventually giving me the ‘I’m just not ready to move forward’ speech). I’ve adhered to the 30 day NC rule (not on purpose – it’s just my MO). At day 28, he left me a Happy Birthday on FB. I didn’t reply. I didn’t ‘like’ it either. Was that just a ‘I’m trying to be nice’ kind of thing or is he interested again? It’s day 33 and I still haven’t reached out to him. Because we didn’t date long, I’m not sure if he’d ever be interested again and I don’t know if that FB thing meant anything. Should I start the rest of the process you suggest after NC or, because it was so short lived (six weeks) and because of the reason he stopped talking to me, it’s not going to work?
Ann

November 14, 2015 at 7:43 pm

Hi Chris,

I enjoy your website and advice! I broke up with my ex about a month ago because we started things really strong for the first month or so and he began to act weird after we had a big fight (which was my fault) and initiated plans less and such. I thought that I wanted to end it, but after realize that I do want to continue to give us a chance. He was adamant that we should still be friends, but I was hesitant. Somehow I ended up still being friends with him and we still talk all-day, everyday as we did when we were dating. We also still have sex with only each other, with him now imposing some arbitrary rules like “no sleepovers” or holding hands. He seems to very much care about me still and contacts me all of the time, complaining and making comments when I don’t respond for even a few hours. If I want to be exclusive and date romantically again, do I tell him that and say that I cannot be friends or have sex if that is not the case, or do I start “no contact” by simply randomly cutting off ties, hoping he will read the tealeaves and come to the realization?

Kelly

November 25, 2015 at 6:57 pm

He no longer wants a romantic relationship with you. He wants a Friends With Benefits relationship with you. And so far, he’s gotten it. You need to decide if that’s what you’re willing to continue giving him.

I’ve been in a FWB relationship for 9 years now. It works for us, but it’s difficult at times and requires open and honest communication.

Betty

November 14, 2015 at 10:36 am

I need some advice. Me and this guy , we never really started. We had mutual feelings for each other .. But things did not work out as I had accidentally stepped on his ego and did not want to be intimate. He had recently moved on and we had not been contacting for a yr plus.. His birthday is coming , should I say happy birthday and could you share some advice with me?
Help :(

November 13, 2015 at 10:08 pm

Hi Chris. I need your advise..please..
So I have been dating my boyfriend more than a year and I visited him last week when it was a school break (He paid the flight ticket). We met at the same college but he graduated already and working. Since i’m still a student, I am here studying and since we had a long distance relationship, we met each other 3 times (including last week). I arrived back to school on Monday and received a phone call(facetime) from him and he said he wanted to end our relationship for long-run..He said our relationship was not stable and even we tried for a year…it did not work out. I know my problems like I went to next level over something really small or silly arguments and he also did not have a good reaction to him. I was very shocked because this was my longest, deepest, and deep love for me. And even we have been talking about marriage for the future. And even we talked about this when I was just there. I know when I visited him, at the end, I kinda felt he was not as sweet as before but I thought we would be fine. In addition, when he said he wanted to end this relationship, beside I cried whole day and days, I begged him or let’s have a time off then we can talk after a month but he said it would be best decision for us for long-run and he will not change his final decision..This happened on Monday and today is Friday..and until last night, I have been texting him A LOT and calling him….but after I did these many things, I found out your website and realized I should not contact him..Last night, i even told him if he wants to go on a date with me on new years eve or spring break (march 2016). He answered as “i will think about it but..” and I cutted off because i did not want to hear after. Also when I talked with him on Tuesday, i asked him “do you miss me?” and “do you love me?” and he said yes to both answers and he was crying too…but I don’t understand why he said to me “you will be happy with another guy who understand you better than me. It is best foruss to end this relationship now instead of having a divorce in the marriage in the future. But, if you are single in the future, and I’m single in the future, we can try it again..” Why did he say like this? Chris, I don’t know what to do. I really want him back and I want us back together. What do I need to do? please advise me….
Meriam

November 13, 2015 at 6:58 pm

Hi Chris,

Thank you for the post and help. I am on day 8 of no contact. He broke up with me due to constant fighting and we are in an LDR. we were supposed to see each other in less than 2 months and he had his ticket and everything. He did this to me last month and I refused to accept it. So I gave him few minutes to reconsider his decision and he said ” ok can we forget about this day”. Now it feels different, he was so mean and I was actually sick just left the hospital when he broke things off. We were on face time and all he kept saying i am done i am done I cant take the fighting anymore. He contacted me 3 days after the break up to check on me since I was sick, after day 3 i gave in and said “im fine thanks for asking”, later that day he deleted my 2 pix of his IG and unfollowed me so I was furious and contacted him via txt. He basically said the same thing, and I was so crushed. We had one last conversation via phone the 4th day after he broke up with me and I said since we are in an LDR and we were so close to seeing each other, I asked him not to give up on us, and he said ” let sometimes pass, let me cool down, and if it’s meant to be it will be” I was crushed. But decided that was it, after I read your posts, since last friday today is 8 days of NC. He did email me twice asking how I am feeling in the first email, and the second saying “I asked you how you feel so please just answer me” and called once I think ( the number was unknow, and sometimes his call comes unknow) so I didn’t answer but I think it was him because when I didn’t answer he emailed right after. So far I did not respond. I am really hurt that he walked on me and out relationship when we said we’d never give up, and especially when we have less than 2 months to see each other after waiting 5 months. I am in pain day in and day out, but i feel like it’s really over, and him contacting me is not to necessarily get back together, I am so lost. any advice? Thank you

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6,801 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”