The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

J

November 12, 2015 at 5:18 pm

Hello Chris,
My ex bf and I dated for 8 months. Most of which was very good. The last month we had a very big fight, and it led to numerous breakups and reconciliation’s. After our last fight (which was over jealousy issues/ which we never struggled with prior to the series of breakups) he ended the relationship, and told me to figure things out with myself and call him in a month. He had not contacted me in 3 weeks, I broke no contact once and called him in this time. He did not return my call. It is breaking my heart bc I feel as though he isn’t missing me, and am afraid he possibly moved on. In our breakups prior to this he has reached out to me within in a week or less. Does this sound like something I should remain hopeful will work out? Also did breaking no contact with that phone call eliminate chances of reconciliation?

Abby

November 12, 2015 at 10:40 am

I tell ya, this no contact rule is sooo much more harder than it sounds. W broke up 9 days ago and I’ve only been in NC for 5 days and it’s killing me. Mostly because I’m still so mad at him. He was really disrespectful to me when we broke up and he said some really horrible things, it was like a completely different person was standing in front of me, he has never spoken to me like that, in fact, no one has ever spoken to me the way he did in my entire life. I’m mad at myself for staying so calm when he spoke to me the way he did. When I read our msgs and what he said to me when we broke up all I think is “you should not have let him speak to you that way, you should have defended yourself”. I keep getting the urge to send him msgs telling him off for the way he spoke to me! But every time I get that urge I try to remind myself that he was extremely angry and heart broken at the time and that’s probably why he said the things he said.

vaibhav

November 12, 2015 at 7:58 am

hey chris

My gf brokeup relationship of 1.5 year due to her parent.her parent reject mi due to family problem. she brokeup on april 2015 after that i was trying begging for relationship for 6 month but now i started NC rule from today.she also love mi lots but due to parent she refuse mi…..she brokeup on april so now NC RULE will be effective???

Ken

November 10, 2015 at 4:19 am

Hello! I am gay and have been with my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years. I cheated on him over the course of 3 years. He left approximately 1 month ago and began staying with a female co-worker of his. He came back and “tried” to work on things including staying the night with me, and doing dinner, massages, etc…on and off again for more than a week. This past Saturday, he approached me and told me that he has spent a lot of time thinking and that he loves me but he doesn’t believe he can ever trust me again. He made it official that we were ending our relationship. He further went on to tell me that he would be moving in with his co-worker friend and in January he would probably be able to move out. I have been staying at our home alone and have been absolutely emotional. Katy Perry’s song: you’re hot and cold, you’re up and you’re down..that was him for weeks…and now he is so “final”. He told me on text message today that he is 100% positive that we are done. He is sorry he said.

I know he loves me, because he told me numerous times that he still loves me Including today!

I have a counselling appointment on Thursday to begin counselling.

How do I go about getting my ex back?

Thank you so much!!!

July

November 10, 2015 at 1:24 am

Hi Chris

My bf of 4 years broke up with me.. said that he no longer loves me and that we are just not working. That he is doing what’s best for us so we dont end up hating each other (if we stay together).

He keeps checking up on me through mutual friends etc.

I have started the NC, but we lived together and a lot of my stuff is still there (furniture) which I dont really need at the moment. Do you think it’s better for me to take everything that’s mine and start the NC rule, or do the NC and then get my stuff back after that?

Thanks 🙂

Anon

November 9, 2015 at 11:30 am

This really works, I used it on my ex 2 years ago and today we are married for 1 month, this is the best advise I ever received 🙂

Melissa

November 9, 2015 at 3:35 am

I’m on day 25 of no contact, tomorrow would have been our one year anniversary. Is it okay to send 1st text a few days early to emphasize/reminisce an important day, or is it absolutely necessary to wait the full 30 days.

Sarah

November 9, 2015 at 12:00 am

Hi Chris
My boyfriend broke up with me saying he felt the relationship wasn’t working out and he didn’t feel like it was worth it anymore. I started NC straight away and didn’t contact him at all. He messaged me 2 months after our break up asking to meet up and talk. We talked and got back together. Now he broke up with me again saying the exact same things as before. Will NC work again to make him realise what he’s lost and bring him back to me again?

Lauren

November 8, 2015 at 2:03 pm

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. Two months ago he moved to college 2 hours away and I worry a lot which causes him to think they are all fights. This past Monday everything was fine and we had breakfast before he left for school. That night I was talking about how concerned I was about how I can’t see him for 3 weeks and asked him when we could make plans and why can’t he come home. The convo went on and he began getting mad and later called me clingy and demanding. I was very upset so said goodnight. The next day I ignored him all day and at the end of the night responded that I don’t wanna talk and he said we need to figure these things out and change together because he can’t deal with these things. I said no and it went on and he said it’s over. I was upset at the time but it really hit me the next morning. I texted him I’m sorry and stuff like that all day and all he kept saying was no its done you won’t change. The last time we texted was two days ago. We are meeting up in 3 weeks to talk about this but he said he doesn’t think I’ll like the outcome I get. What should I do?

Liezl

November 8, 2015 at 10:26 am

hi Chris,
I got back with my ex bf after I initiated the first NC rule but its was for 21 days only, he proposed after that but he continued to upset me ( betrayal of trust is the issue ) 2 weeks ago , I told him to get enough time and get himself together and until he is FULLY and TOTALLY committed to me, we do what we’ ld like to do, and that when he is ready for me, just CALL me. On the 12th day of NC he messaged me. i screwed up , actually got a bit confused so i replied after he sent 6 messages. then now i am on day 2 of NC again. My question is…..i initiated the space ( for him not because i want to break up but for him to know i am not ok with what he is doing) so am i suppose to follow the NC EVEN when i clearly told him JUST call me when/if he is ready to be fully committed to me? sorry got so mixed up with the info so i don’t know which place am I in now.
Thanks in advance.

The Optimist

November 7, 2015 at 10:07 pm

Hi. I would like to get your oppionon on my story.
My ex and I were best friends and it naturally grew to what seemed as endless love. We never had a single fight nor problem, always telling eachother everything and understanding eachother was always a priorety. After 10 mounts of relationship 4mounts ago one girl wowed him so much he felt as if she turn his whole world upside down (she is really talented in many area, much better looking then myself tbh) and in all fairness thowards me he told me how he felt and I as always wished him luck and suported his decision to try to win her over. We ofc staied besties although we didn’t see eachother for a mount. First two times I felt empty as if someone sucked the life out of me but then unexpected happened. He called me to come over for gamenight two days in a row and as I was there as our eyes crossed paths he kissed me. After that day a mistake has been made and we became FWB.. it’s true this is the closest we ever been but I do love him so it doesn’t feel right. I talked to him and he said nothing happened with that girl, even more I knew from the start that she was quite a fake person and I was feeling bad that someone like that hurt him. He said he knows he needs to let her go but that every day she flashes in his mind and now it made me wonder what if I were gone as well.. would be he thinking of me just as much? I started working on selfimprovement and over week ago started the NCrule. First two days were the hardest cause we usually talk all day every day but I got pretty used to it now. I’m planning to keep it going for at least 3 more weeks maybe even more. I know he misses me, he usually does when we’re not hanging for a week but I hope this NC rule will mostly give him time to think about me, about us. I don’t mind if he doesn’t change his mind about our relation cause I know we will always be there for eachother and nothing makes me as happy as seeing him smile but still this should be an interesting experiment indeed. Who knows, maybe in the end he doesn’t have will power to let go of us as well. What do you think on all this? I’d like to hear an opinion from male perspective.

Kate

November 7, 2015 at 9:24 am

Hello Chris,

I am on the NC phase. What about if he send me a msg asking question for help? And I answered him (i answer him only what he ask and I didn’t continuing talking even he asked me after that how am I) and he sent me some file on website and I accepted it (he will got an email notification from the website that I accepted his sending file) but I didn’t talk to him. This is mean I am breaking the NC rule?

Samantha

November 7, 2015 at 5:00 am

Hi Chris!!! Broke up with boyfriend 1 week ago he contacted me two days later and I replied… I Broke up with him because he didn’t trust me and in some ways didnt respect me.. Since I answered his phone call 2 days after .. Is he going to contact me? I’m starting the NC rule starting today 🙂 I’m hoping he’ll feel guilty and try to change because I really was the only one that showed him true love.

Kait

November 6, 2015 at 7:33 pm

Hi Chris, I know you get thousands of messages like this, but I really need some advice. I think I’ve completely blown my chances of ever getting my ex back, even if I do follow your guides/advice. Basically we’ve been on and off for over a year now and we argue a lot, he never apologises after arguments and will just ignore me for the rest of the day or even for a day+ where as I’ll apologise most of the time regardless and I hate being ignored, especially by him, and then when he does speak to me he just acts normal again or sometimes he’ll say things like ‘going to be a normal gf or still an angry troll’ I admit when we argue at times I can say some really horrible and unforgivable things, but so has he. He’s said many times over the past months that he doesn’t love me and hasnt wanted to be with me for months now. It’s mostly him who breaks up with me, I’ve only ever broken up with him I’ve but I didn’t mean it. He’s also said that he’s only taken me back because I made him or wouldn’t leave him alone. Now last week we had a huge fight on Sunday and things got so bad and again he said were over and that he doesn’t love me anymore and that once I leave his house I won’t be setting foot in there ever again. Things got broken and he got angry and pushed me but I replaced the broken things and got them sent to his house. He text me after the break up saying he got the items but he can’t accept them knowing how he feels about us and that he sees no future for us and doesn’t see us ever working. I tried to do no contact but failed on day 3 🙁 and text him back saying ‘Hey, I was just thinking about the first time we went to the cinema together to see Jurassic World, it was so good. I am glad we did that.’ But because he didn’t reply I turned into a text gnat and then said ‘could we talk please? I don’t like how things were left.’ He replied ‘I enjoyed the good times we had too but things arent the same and we argue too much, please send me your address so i can return the items as it doesnt feel right’ I responded ‘I don’t want to lose you, so will you please work with me to make our relationship work again, I know I don’t deserve it but I care for you deeply and I love you..I want you to keep the them, I’m sorry.’ And again he didn’t respond so I text him again saying ‘Please just talk with me, even if you hate me, please hear me out.’ He responded saying ‘it’s over I sorry, there’s nothing else I can say’ I continued to keep begging him to take me back and him not replying and when he I asked him if he loved me he said no sorry and he also said he won’t be contacting me anymore and i really dont want to upset you more and talking is doing that, you are more than welcome to let me send the items back, other than that good bye. I continued to bombard him with messages and calls, he replied no my minds made up..I continued to message and call him the next day too but no reply. It’s not been almost 3 days I haven’t heard from him and I’m absolutely terrified of losing him. I didn’t text him today so this is the first day I haven’t contacted him for..I want to try the no contact but I always end up caving in. Do you think the Nc rule will get him to speak to me or even give us a chance of ever getting back together? Please help.

Mary Jane

November 6, 2015 at 2:16 pm

Hi, Chris!

It’s been a week now since my guy and I broke up. He broke up with me 2 days after we had an argument about me trying to place a label on our relationship status and expectations. I just needed a clarification. We’ve been dating for 14 months.

He told me he wanted to solve his problems (he didn’t say what those are) and that I cannot do anything about it. He doesn’t even want to be friends but he has not yet deleted me or blocked me on Facebook.

Since we’ve dated, I’ve noticed that he’s got a lot of hangups and has a negative outlook in life due to life not being good to him in the past (i.e. his business went bankrupt, previous relationships gone bad, jobs not suitable to him because of too much stress or lack of it). Because of that, it drew me more to him because I wanted to be his friend and confidante at that stage in his life. He appreciated me being always there for him. We were like a regular couple until that night that we had an argument.

So here’s my question. Do I really have shot at reconciliation? I’ve applied NC on the day he told me we can’t even be friends anymore. This is my first time to go NC this serious. He used to have episodes of being depressed and not talking to me for days but I would always be the first one to reach out.

What’s next for me, Chris?

Brittany

November 6, 2015 at 9:47 am

Hi Chris, kinda long but hopefully I can get some insight. My boyfriend and I were great. Amazing connection, in love, etc. He even got on one knee and proposed, only to call it off the next day and tell me he wasnt sure his feelings were real. This continued on and off for three weeks. He would say one day that he knew his feelings were real, then get confused again. This morning he broke up with me via text. We ended up talking tonight and one of the first things he said was that he had love for me but he wasnt in love with me. Then he proceeded to tell me it was all infatuation and he thinks it was just all the emotions at once that made him want to up the intensity of the relationship and propose. I got confused with that because just a couple of days ago, his best friends were telling me how he said he knew he loved me, that i made him a better and happier person and he told me that tonight talking too. That I calmed him and made him happy when we talked but that he had made his decision and his feelings just weren’t there. So with all that being said, will the NC rule still work? I kind of feel hopeless now hearing that from him, like there isnt a chance in the future for us.

Kay

November 5, 2015 at 8:51 pm

I just made a huge mistake I would love to hear your opinion! I am on day 18 of no contact. But I will admit I’ve drove past my ex’s house a couple times just to see if he’s home, because I miss him and it’s kind of my way of seeing if he’s okay I guess. But I just drove past and I am 90% sure that he saw me because I saw him walking out. what does this mean? How much did I just royally screw up? when we broke up he said that he needed time and that I shouldn’t come to his house or text and call him while he was taking his time. If he saw me do you think that would come off as totally creepy? it happened like 10 minutes ago and I haven’t heard any text from him (haven’t heard anything in 18 days though), perhaps he didn’t see me. I’m totally freaking out I can’t stop shaking. I screwed up, what should i do please help.

Holly

November 5, 2015 at 3:26 am

Hi Chris,

I discovered last Friday that my live-in ex was cheating on me so I kicked him out. I felt really bad for doing so and texted him over the weekend to see if we could meet up on Monday. We met up on Monday and he said he cheated because I was giving him a lot of pressure and he wanted to take a break. I promised I would changed and we got back that night. However, on Wednesday, we fought again because I asked him what he was going to do to rebuild trust and he said this is too hard. It’s easier to just be my friend rather than trying to rebuild trust, which he doesn’t think is possible. We therefore decided to call it quits and he returned me my apt keys.
He didn’t remove or block me on WhatsApp or Skype so does this mean there is still some hope if I implement the NC rule? Thanks.

Amanda

November 4, 2015 at 1:09 am

What if he contacts me during the NC Rule, I do not respond and few days later when it is time for me to contact him, he asks why I was silent? What do you say to that?
Also my ex said he did not love me anymore the way he used to when he broke up with me. Is that a red flag? I mean should I even try to get him back?

Lisa

November 3, 2015 at 3:15 pm

Hi Chris, Hopefully this comment gets to you! So on October 21st my ex boyfriend and i broke up. He ended things because we were continuously fighting and he felt that things will not change between us. I decided to start the NC rule because i had once begged him for a second chance and that didn’t turn out well. So i was into a week of NC doing just fine (not really) but was getting better at improving myself when he called me at 3am in the morning (slightly drunk). I answered the phone, i know i was telling myself i would not answer whenever he tried contacting me but i couldn’t help i needed to hear his voice one last time and what he had to tell me. Our convo lasted about 10 mins he kept ask me how things were going; school, work and life in general. Then he mentioned “i miss you” i pretended i didn’t hear that and he kept repeating until he asked if i didn’t hear what he said. I said i heard him but i don’t know what else to say that you need to prove this. So he said he’s coming by to see me i told him not to that it’s too late and hung up. He still came and i had to go out because he was going to cause a scene. I went into his car and just sat there and then he grabbed me and started kissing me on my forehead. I felt i was in heaven again because i was in his arms again. He started telling me he was wrong and that he’s an asshole and he didn’t mean to put me through all that he did. He kept saying how much he missed me and wanted to feel me again. I continuously kept telling him NO that when he’s in a right state of mind then we can talk about all this. He did not give into that and he reached over and started kissing me. I told him i had to go and that he should go home and for him to let me know when he’s home. I got out the car and he got mad and left. He texted me when he was home. Later that day he texted me like he would normally do when we were together, it made my entire day. So the day after he did the same as well. Until later in the night, i decide to ask him for us to meet tomorrow. Thats when he hit me again straight to the heart; ” i think we should just be friends, i have a lot going on right now” “we were fighting too much and i just need this time to work on myself” he also said “i promise theres no one else just that i have a lot going on” “i shouldn’t have contacted you that morning, my fault”.
Please i Know i messed up because i answered him, can you give me honesty advices, anyone? i still feel that he will come back to me but i don’t know i might be wrong.

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