The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,801 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Elia

February 27, 2020 at 10:22 am

Hi there, my ex and I were together for 1,5 years. We lived together the last 8 months of our relationship because I had some moving issues and didn’t have a place to live. We were deeply in love and I have never loved someone this much but we have gone through lots of fights lately. The day I moved into my own place she wanted space and we had a fight again. A week later she said she didn’t think the relationship could offer her what she needs. She felt that there was too much responsibillity on her end both practically and emotionally. I told her I believe things can be different now that I have my own place etc. and would fight for her/us. She told me she was still in love with me and would like a week to think. I was scared that if she wouldn’t let me try now she would distance herself emotionally and convince herself that she should go on alone.
I still gave her space and she kept on contacting me everyday. A week later again she told me she didn’t feel she has the energy now for it. I told her I wanted a chance to fight for us. We then ended up agreeing on seeing each other once a week and going back to our dating phase. I kept on giving her space and she initiated contact everyday. I didn’t get to see her during this week and then when we did meet up she told me she’s sure she can’t be in a relationship with me anymore and she just wants to stay friends. She said she feels an emotional distance (which I knew she would create) and does’t want to open up again only to be dissapointed again. She believes that we can’t change or that there’s hope for us now. I truly believe I can fulfill her needs but she told me I can still give her those things but in a platonic way only. She told me she felt a lot of pain but that this was the best way to do it. I want to do NC for myself to heal but I also hope that if we both heal we can get back into contact and maybe she will feel different about us. I want to take the NC time but I’m scared of her emotionally distancing herself further. I also owe her some money and want to let her know I will pay her back but don’t want to break NC. She told me she wanted to call or text next week and I feel bad for ignoring her. I’m not sure what to do…

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 12, 2020 at 10:34 pm

Hey Elia so when you need to speak to your ex about money owed that is allowed but as long as you stick to the limited no contact where you only speak of that and nothing else or even get emotional in any way that is fine. Other than those shared responsibilities you do not speak, for the 30 days.

Shannon

February 24, 2020 at 11:40 am

My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago and I’ve been in NC for 2 weeks. We were together for 8months and we were nothing but loving and happy together, best friends and always showed affection/appreciation up until the day he broke up with me. I’ve been blindsided and devastated. His reasons were nothing to do with me specifically, he said I ‘ticked all the boxes’ and he cried a lot. Is he sparing my feelings or should I have hope after 30days NC? Is 21 days OK too?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

February 27, 2020 at 10:39 pm

Hi Shannon you need to complete a 30 day no contact

Layla

February 21, 2020 at 9:52 pm

Hello, Hope this reply finds you well

So my ex broke up with me, and it was really hard for me to move on, but I did, and I did the no contact rule
well.. I tried talking to him after 1 month, I didn’t really feel like proceeding, so I stopped texting him

I haven’t been in contact with him for 6 months, then I talked to him again thinking that I already moved on
Well, I didn’t have any intentions of going back together, however, I found myself really into him again.

Things were fine, we talked.. it was fun
I hang out with him and went to cinemas, all was fun, he called me some other day and we talked

But then he somehow started to.. ignore my texts? he takes a really long time to respond and he does not respond like how he used to. So I stopped texting him, waiting for him to text me first, but that did not happen. I thought maybe he is waiting for me to text him? I did, well, he replied, but not as expected, second message, he read but ignored

So I don’t know what I am supposed to do now. He looked like he was into me, though
So Im not sure if I did something wrong, and if I did, I dont know how I can fix it

Thank you in advance

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

February 22, 2020 at 10:02 pm

Hi Layla by the sounds of things you are too available to him, so give him some space and allow him to reach out to you first a few times, and make sure that you end conversations first EVERY TIME

Tereza

February 18, 2020 at 6:46 pm

Dear Chris and Shauna,

My boyfriend and I were together for over a year and were very much in love but I broke it off three months ago because he has an avoidant attachment style that was causing me a lot of anguish. He has never said a mean or angry word to me ever but he would withdraw emotionally after we were particularly emotionally or physically, leaving me in a constant state of insecurity. I am not normally a needy person and at no point started acting desperate or chasing, but I did cry on a couple of occasions when feeling upset about the situation. We live in separate cities about two hours apart. When I ended it, he asked if I still wanted him in my life and I assured him that I did. We’ve continued to speak by phone and messages every day since then and I have kept it light and no-drama, but I feel him slipping away more and more and it’s quite painful to me. I feel I need a period of no contact in order to work on myself but I don’t understand if I should tell him that I need a break from communication or if I should just abruptly stop communicating with him. As we’ve been “friends” for three months and he’s done nothing wrong, it feels quite cruel and unreasonable to just stop contact without saying anything about needing space or time to myself. I would think the other person was passive-aggressive and totally undesirable if they did this to me without warning. So, is the idea that this only works if you break off contact without warning? The rest seems quite clear to me but this one aspect is ambiguous to me. Many thanks for your help and for the help you so generously give to the many people who are struggling following a break up.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

February 27, 2020 at 9:30 pm

Hi Tereza, so the idea is that you stop replying or reaching out to your ex so that they feel that you are taking the break up seriously and taking the space. Allowing them to miss you and fear that they have lost you. They are not going to like the fact that you took their freedom to speak to you when they wanted away – this is where you get an angry or upset reaction. However when you reach out the Ungettable version of yourself they are going to be happy to hear from you and want to talk to you again giving you the clean slate to start rebuilding attraction.

Not following a No Contact rule and keeping in touch with your ex on a regular basis you help your ex get over the break up and you by being friendly and allowing that fix of speaking to you when they want to feel better.

Shay

February 13, 2020 at 10:23 pm

I’ve read through all of the blogs; all of the comments & answers; so here goes our issue:
we have been together for 10 years/ engaged now for 3 (he also has a daughter who i have raised as my own) –
I have been very successful; own my own home, have a great job, paid off my car- he has always struggled with bills/ has a pay check to pay check job.
In deciding to move to our new home; it basically sent him into a spiral of self doubt, and depression because nothing was still in his name.
He wrote me a heart felt letter about how he needs a break to figure what he is doing with his life. He feels like he should be more financially stable, further along in his career, & be more of a provider. He feels he is unable to grow with me because I have always taken care of everything, and he doesn’t have any motivation- he is currently staying with a friend. And is actively taking steps to better himself.
With that said we have had issues in the past where he has cheated/ no been completely faithful – but i always seem to forgive & let him come back with little consequences.
I have taken this “break” very hard even though he continues to say it has nothing to do with me/ he loves me/ knows what he have is good-
My question is now that i have poured my heart out do i try to do the no contact rule – to work on both of our issues// or tell him to come and get the rest of his stuff & force more of a shock to him.
Thank you for listening & hopefully helping!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

February 21, 2020 at 11:23 pm

Hi Shay, so I think his ego is coming into play here where you are stable and secure financially it sounds as if you living together he is going to be reliant on you rather than him being the main provider. Sadly that affects many male egos. I think if he wants to improve himself career and financially then it is going to have to be him to do it you can not make him. As you stated he has not shown motivation at this point. I do suggest you keep working on you and focus on getting over the break up so to be happy again!

Barbara Derby

February 11, 2020 at 6:03 pm

Is it too late to start NC after 6 months of being just friends?
Also should you tell someone you’re doing NC or just go cold turkey (when you’ve said you wouldn’t go that)? And if so how do you tell them

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

February 12, 2020 at 9:47 pm

Hey Barbara, so you are supposed to just go into silence and not reply to any messages you may get from your ex. Even though you told them that you would not do this, it is part of following this program and many others to complete a period of No contact when you want an ex back. Assure that you read all the information you can regarding your situation while doing no contact

Bella

February 4, 2020 at 3:04 pm

Hi,
My ex and I started talking sometime in December after I did the no contact rule. He initiated the breakup and when we started talking he told me how much he missed me and he’s sorry.Anyways,anytime I don’t reply him fast or I ignore him he tends to call lots of times or feel like he offended me. So I struck a deal on the 25th of January that we shouldn’t talk till we see(We’re going on a trip together by the end of this month) and whoever text first gives a certain amount of money lol. I did that because I didn’t want to get too attached and I needed some space to think about how exactly I feel about him. So both of us haven’t reached out to the other and I really miss him. Do you think he feels the same way? I’m keeping to the no contact deal I struck although I’m tempted to text. Hope to get your reply,xx

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

February 8, 2020 at 7:51 pm

Hey Bella so the fact you told him not to contact you until the 25th defeats the point of No contact, but if you want to get him back I do suggest you work on the Ungettable work and then start texting phase to start reattracting him

Crystal Ryan

February 4, 2020 at 3:33 am

I left my ex boyfriend house yesterday and I would like to start the no contact rule but I’m currently pregnant and my ex wants to help me move into an apartment sometime soon when he gets the money.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

February 4, 2020 at 9:56 pm

When you share a child with an ex you can do something called limited no contact

Maria

January 31, 2020 at 8:38 pm

Hi Shauna,
My ex broke up with me two months ago. We were in a long distance relationship for a year and 2 months. Everything was fine until he started uni again. He got really stressed because it was a hard year (his last year). Also he was.having trouble with money and so did I , which is not good for LDR. He broke up with me saying he couldn’t do it anymore, that he was not happy with the situation, it brought him too much anxiety, but that I was the best person he’s ever met, his best friend and that he loved me. He said he didn’t want to break up with me but that he didn’t see us moving closer to each other in the near future, so he thought it was too hard.
He’s had a history of depression. Also, we live in different continents, and he does not want to move to my country (he said he didn’t like it when he visited and that it was too far away from his parents. He said he didn’t want to leave them because they’re getting old). But the thing is I can’t move yet because I’m not done with university.
I was willing to try anyway because I loved him and we were so compatible and great together. He was willing too, and then he slowly started seeing everything black and ended up breaking up with me. While he was drifting away he started not giving me attention, and then he regretted it by apologising and saying I deserved more because I was great and sweet and just the best but that he couldn’t find it in him to be the man I needed.
He kept saying he wanted me to be happy above all else, and they I will find a man to be happy with that was better than him. I said I wanted him to be that man, and he said he wanted that too, but he couldn’t see it happening in the near future as the situation was so complicated (short on money, different continents, me stuck in my country due to my degree and him not wanting to move too far away from his parents).
It’s been two months since we broke up and he hasn’t contacted me at all. I haven’t either, except for one time when I messaged him to tell him I was going to block him on Facebook because seeing him active hurt too much. He said he understood and that he wanted me to be happy so I ought to do whatever I needed to achieve that. He said he was sorry for not being able to commit to the relationship as much as I did, because I really deserve that.
I can’t seem to forget him. He’s great, truly, and we work amazing as a couple. I’ve never been so happy, comfortable and fulfilled in my entire life. He was my best friend, lover, partner, and we could do just about anything and have lots of fun always.
What should I do? Please help, I can’t afford the ebooks 🙁

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

February 4, 2020 at 10:20 pm

Hey Maria, so you start with a No contact and work on yourself during that time, make sure you read the information on this website if you are wanting more information. Learn about the term Ungettable and learn about the texting phase using the articles and videos

K

January 31, 2020 at 1:02 pm

Hi
We broke up 3 weeks ago and until 10 days ago i kept contacting him and we had some friendly conversations.
But i realized that every time i contacted him, i felt miserable as the day we broke up and I didn’t contact him again.
I thought he would never contact me again but today he texted me telling me about how he is and how i am.
Do i let him know i decided to do NC or i could just ignore him?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

January 31, 2020 at 11:41 pm

Hey K you do need to go into a No Contact and ignore him if you want your ex back

Jen

January 29, 2020 at 7:43 pm

In a time period of needing a week to “think about the relationship”, my ex still texted me regarding intimate things about our relationship (our fave show winning Golden Globes, auditions he had, etc.) We broke up a week later, and after breaking up with me, he proceeds to text me 3 separate times within 13 days of the breakup – not just checking in texts, conversations he went out of his way to tell me (like something crazy that happened at the bar he worked at one night). I suggested we meet up (expecting him to say no) to talk about our feelings, get clarity, and/or set boundaries. Last night, this happened (it will be 3 weeks officially broken up Thursday). He said he missed me, but he didn’t mean for me to get the wrong message from him talking to me. He said he needed to work on things himself, and (as my therapist predicted) going home over Christmas (his family sent him back to NYC with gifts for me) made him get in his own head. He said something hurtful with our goodbyes, and I ended up just walking away. I regretted that, so I sent him a text just being honest with him. Just one text, laying it out there honestly but maturely. He never responded. Him and I aren’t ones to date seriously without taking it…seriously. And I know that, compared to other relationships I’ve watched not work out for me in the past, that this one can work. Looking back, we really had a great relationship and I let some of my own anxieties get in the way as well. We spent 75% of our time together, equally initiating…and I truly believe you can’t force someone to act or want something in a particular way. I know that in the scope of things, I’ll be fine with someone else. But, I don’t want to walk away from this because this one feels like the one I should stand up for. Point of the question is, if he couldn’t even do no contact himself (he initiated ALL contact except me suggesting we talk)…how do I proceed? I don’t think he’s a totally selfish sociopath that reached out to me to hurt me, I truly feel he genuinely missed me as an intimate partner in his life. We had a whole thanksgiving dinner together for 10 people, had a christmas party, and did so much all the time because we both wanted to. He acted very intimately towards me in public and was never afraid of commitment. Knowing that and truly believing that what he felt was real and honest when we were together, he’s just in an unhappy place in his own head right now, I don’t know how to a) move on myself but b) still be honest with myself that yes, I want this man and c) be there for him.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

February 12, 2020 at 8:36 pm

Hey Jen, so if you want to get your ex back, then there is a process here that we follow starting with a No Contact, which means that even if your ex reaches out to you, you do not reply because you need to give you both space. All he is doing while reaching out to you is making himself feel better after ending the relationship when you are civil and friendly with him it assures him that he does not need to feel guilty. Even though you want to remain civil and in contact, you do need to complete a No Contact to give your ex a chance to worry that he is going to lose you, and also respect that you are going to need space to get over the break up. Even if things are hard for him, you do not “be there for him” for a while as you need to set the boundaries if you want him in a relationship you can not be his friend right now.

Em

January 25, 2020 at 11:42 am

Hi Chris and Peeps, I sent you guys a couple of emails about my situation as I truly need some advice coz I feel like I’m breaking apart. Could you please respond to me? We broke up a month ago and I started NC two days ago (it’s a long story I’ve explained in my email). Please please help me as I can’t afford the packages you guys have

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

January 25, 2020 at 10:46 pm

Hey Em Kay, can you post your situation here and I will reply to it. Keep it as short as you can and brief and I will reply to you.

Amy

January 24, 2020 at 4:38 pm

Hi! I’m on day 20 for a 45 day NC. Last night I accidentally viewed my ex’s Instagram story (was watching other stories and his popped up after an ad). He has posted stories through all of NC but I have not viewed any of them. This was a complete accident. I have not broken NC in any other way since the BU. Does this require me to start over NC? I’m concerned that starting a 45 day NC now would mean that I’ll be in NC for a total of 65 days (minus this one mess up in the middle). Any guidance you could provide would be very appreciated! P.S. I have since muted my ex on Instagram (we are still following each other) so that I don’t accidentally do it again.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

January 25, 2020 at 10:32 pm

Hi Amy, so giving that it was an accident and you do not view anything else going forward you will be fine.

Galilea

January 23, 2020 at 1:03 am

Hi, I need help please, I was in a long distance relationship for 3 years, during those 3 years we only broke up once, and after that we fell so hard in love we were freaking best friends we shared so much!!! It was like we were freaking soulmates!!!! then last year around October he told me he didn’t feel the same way anymore, i was broken and told him i needed time i told him to give me a month, but after 3 weeks he contacted me and told me he missed me, i fell for it and broke the 30 day no contact, we talked again all normal but he started detaching himself again, then on December 25th he told me he was seeing someone else and that it was getting serious (he told me this through FaceTime) when he said that all i told him was “have a good life” and i hanged up on him i didnt let him say more then, hours later i sent him a “goodbye” text and he never replied to it and it seems hes dating this girl already, i miss him so much i havent contacted him at all! It’s gonna be a month without talking to each other this Saturday the 25th….i want to talk to him and earn him back go back to how we were, i still havent accepted hes moved on! So i have been doing this 30 day no contact rule again, but im worried he’s not going to reach out this time what do you guys think??

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

January 23, 2020 at 10:09 am

Hey Galilea so with the no contact rule you are supposed to be working on yourself so that you become “ungettable” as we call it here, so you can look up this on this website about what work you need to be doing on yourself during that time. At the end of your no contact you can reach out to your ex as we have said it is not important who starts the conversation it is important that you END the conversations to keep the interested and not outstay your welcome

Yaqin Tang

January 21, 2020 at 5:14 am

Me and my ex dated for three years. We had a strong foundation of love and attachment, but also all kinds of problems in this relationship. We overcame a lot to be together, such as family objection, distance(we are interracial), cultural gaps, etc, which seem to be all overcame.

He is an isolated and anxious person who had some childhood traumas. The feeling I provided him all the time was mostly attachment and security. He always told me how secure he feels with me. And we have tons of things to talk about which means there is also a strong connection. However, we are kind of not so happy and satisfied with our life in general. We had a lot of quarrels. Although they were all small quarrels, they affected our lives a lot. A few days ago we had a small quarrel but he chose to break up with me, he said our relationship is too unstable and he doesn’t want it anymore. The breakups of us are draining to him. I accepted it and told him we will never meet again. Before I left, he seemed to be really painful and he cried much harder than I did.
I still want him back and I believe if we grow into better person, things might work for us, but he doesn’t believe in us anymore. I’m not sure if there are any other hidden reasons for the breakup that I didn’t know, but if he’s just exhausted, is there any possibility that he comes back? (we really broke up many times but we still love each other)

Except for the 20% earthquakes we had, I was really extremely happy with him. I want to improve everything with him together, and I really want him back.
Confused

January 11, 2020 at 2:49 pm

Question: dated 4 months, broke up right before holidays because he said he thought he should be in love already, we get back together a week later, holidays pass and a week ago he tells me the same. he is still very scarred from a past relationship. we had things planned through the summer to do together.
I started no contact that evening, after messaging to make sure a bracelet and watch were not at his place. He has no social media except linked in, and peruses Twitter (no account) and we really have no mutual friends, I plan to utilize the 30 day no contact rule but how do I get him to notice me?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

January 17, 2020 at 7:53 pm

Working the Ungettable girl information into your life, where you work on yourself showing through social media how much you are doing for yourself and the amazing times you are having and he is going to end up feeling like he has missed out on some interesting experiences because he left

Lo

January 10, 2020 at 10:13 pm

My ex owes me some money. It’s not super important to me that I get it back before no contact is over, but would it be best if I asked for it now so I can keep things positive after no contact? It’s been about a week of no contact so far.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

January 13, 2020 at 11:44 pm

Hey Lo, yes getting awkward conversations like that is best before you try to re attract them. So asking your ex for the total and then politely ending the conversation when he has replied continue into your No Contact, do not speak about anything other than the money, polite small talk is not needed.

Yali

January 10, 2020 at 12:15 pm

Hi Shaunna

Yali here …

I just saw him on a dating app… I am about to explode … holding it together still through no contact after his email a few days ago which I shared with you … but now? I feel like his words are worthless and that him being on a dating app means he’s already so over me and there’s no chance in hell he will come back or cares or will reach out… I’m lost and confused and hurt .,, what can I do?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

January 13, 2020 at 11:50 pm

Hey Yali, him being on an app doesnt prove anything he is doing it more than anything to distract himself, besides you are using the app for a similar reason right? There is nothing you can do about it, if he wants to date or chat he is allowed to as he is single. Keep to your NC and follow the program

Yali

January 7, 2020 at 2:19 pm

Hi Shauna
Yali here again 🙂
So, my ex just sent me an email. He wrote that he thinks I’m amazing, that he never had a woman live and care for him as I did, and that he hated himself for the way he treated me. But, that is is stronger than him and he simply can’t contain my goodness and the good things I brought into his life. He went on and said that he was used to women being mean to him and maybe that’s what he needs … (??)
Then he said that he Loved me and still loves me , and Thinks of me every day and his heart aches. Then said that he thinks of the good times and reminded me of some of them… ended the letter with “I will never forget you, you’re the best woman I ever met”….

I don’t know what this means , and I don’t know what to do! I started no contact last Wednesday after he refused to talk face to face….
please help me …
Thank you!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

January 7, 2020 at 11:08 pm

Keep to your No Contact, this is him trying to get rid of his guilt for the situation. So ignoring this email is best anyway as what he expects is for you to reply saying “oh its okay” NO, let him have tough time with his thoughts and emotions that is how he is going to learn to actually appreciate you and start to miss you for the good qualities he will start to focus on and the positive memories

Yali

January 5, 2020 at 9:24 pm

Hi Shaunna
Thank you for replying. Is it possible for you to give me more insight to me story? I understand that I need to become the ungettable girl to him etc. however – my ex is not at all active on social media He doesn’t even have a fb account … therefore that is for sure not going to be the way to get him to notice me …
Would really appreciate advice here as to what to do next. Obviously like you said I understand the does not want to be with me NOW – which is why I came to you for advice in the first place 🙂

Thank you!
Yali

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

January 5, 2020 at 11:00 pm

Hi Yali so if he is not on social media, do you have mutual friends who would be likely to see him and you have them on social media? Time is the key in this where you allow No Contact to do it’s work and you are prepared to reach out with your first few texts in 30 days time. So read about the texting phase in this program while you’re in No Contact so that you are prepared for all possible responses from your ex

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6,801 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”