The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

Melissa

November 2, 2015 at 2:00 pm

Hi Chris,
I dated someone for almost three years and we were engaged to be married and broke up 10 days before our wedding. I was very unhappy with him because I felt that he was not supportive emotionally because I was going through a very hard time with my family and begged him if we could postpone the wedding. He said we were either going to get married or break up. His family was coming from another country and I believe he was too afraid to tell them so close to the date it would be cancelled. We broke up and shortly after we decided to try to fix things. He became a different person, very disrespectful, rude, degrading me, cruel, cold and so much more. He said it was because of me and how I treated him before the break up. I apologized many times and explained to him my reasons. After the break up he also told me things that were the total opposite of who he was during our relationship. We have had no contact now for two months and now during this time I realized that even though we went through a rough time, I still want him in my life. How can I get the man I used to know to hear me out?

Gertruda

November 2, 2015 at 10:59 am

Ok so what do you do if you have messed up?

After a brief no contact period a guy I used to be involved with started messaging me and seemed like maybe he was warming up to me…. a little… i think. After a few weeks of talking I asked to meet. He said he doesn’t want to at the moment because he is recovering from an injury and since it’s long distance, meeting would mean I’d be staying at his house for a few days while he’s injured and it’d be too much trouble for him.

His injury is not that severe, he’s still meeting up with friends and doing things. His reason sounded like an excuse so I asked for the real reason and he admitted he has doubts about seeing me because of our rocky difficult history and “what he has been through” with me, but said the injury was also a reason.

I’m geographically closeish only for another 2 months, after that I wont be able to see him for 7 months. I really want to see him while I’m still here, so I unfortunately began to push the issue and he got pissed off and went cold again. He said I sounded “almost desperate” and not to push him. He has said “maybe” and that he will think about it but he has not messaged me since.

Would going no contact properly for a month or more have a chance of fixing this? Do I even have a chance of getting a guy who knows that im nearby for several months when I’m usually really far away, knows my time here is limited, and still shows no interest in seeing me, but is happy to flirt heavily and talk to me often? Is there a way I can get him to see me while im still here without being pushy? What do I do about the fact that I have a huge huge need to talk to him in person about our history and what went wrong and get some closure and answers? I feel like I can’t wait for 9 months for a proper in person convo about what happened. Is there a way I can explain this to him without freaking him out or do I have to wait another 9 months before I can see him

mariah

November 2, 2015 at 7:32 am

what if my ex was my classmate and my groupmate and my seatmate? how do i follow the no contact rule? i mean we have to talk eventually for the projects

Sandy

November 1, 2015 at 8:26 pm

Hi Chris
I have been dating my boyfriend for 16 months and everything was great. I broke up with him 10 days ago due to trust issue, I was overeating, didn’t give him a chance to explain. I blocked his contact for 3 days and unblocked again and sent break up messages. He didn’t respond. Few days after I found out he started seeing a girl and goes out with her almost everyday. I want to start no contact rule but wondering if he has move on.
Thanks Chris!

Anne

October 31, 2015 at 11:44 pm

We broke up this past Sunday. The breakup feeling came to me the previous Thursday. He told me he hadn’t been “feeling that spark” for a month and a half. But tbh, everything appeared to be COMPLETELY fine. In my opinion, I believe that “loss of spark” was due to his busy and stressful schedule, and my commitment to school. But even then, we tried to maintain as regular contact as possible.

Recently, he had been super introverted because he’s going through a type of midlife crisis. When I found out about it, and when he told me that the relationship was feeling not right, he told me that he has always cared for me but, as of now, doesn’t love me on the same level as I love him. He told me he needed space, but I was unsure exactly of how much space he needed, be it either amount of intimacy or just taking a break from the relationship overall.

I did the absolutely wrong thing and kept trying to maintain some working relationship the following few days. I even asked him where we stood in our relationship. He was being as gentle as he could be, saying he wasn’t looking to be in a relationship right now. I still couldn’t process what was going on, I was panicking, still trying to make it work.

This recent Sunday, I finally went to him, face-to-face, and said that I would give him his space to figure out his life crisis. But after all that, would he come back to the relationship? And he said no. Everything was bitter and angry right after that, I unfriended him, he blocked me in response…

But I still care for him. To a degree, I want to be there for him, even if he will never look at me in a romantic way again. I’ve been wanting to try and get one final talk with him to see if we could make it as amicable of a break as possible. He said that the constant communication was still too painful, which I don’t blame him for feeling, but he agreed to it. I honestly feel that his “No” was a mixture of awkward feelings and stress from his life crisis.

We’re working up to that. The conversation will happen soon, because I just want one last chance to see what happened through our relationship to end up where we are. Saying that I’m not looking to get together again would be a lie, but more than anything, I want to be there for him, because he told me he’s not used to someone caring for him as much as I have.

We both still care for each other, that much is clearly evident. If I propose this No Contact deal, and we both work on ourselves and leave it alone for a while, would there still be a chance at this point to make the relationship work?

I guess what I’m asking is: if I started this No Contact Rule a bit late after the breakup, and we’ve decided to give it a chance, is there a possibility of it working?

Hannah

October 31, 2015 at 10:40 am

Amazing blog!
My ex and I broke up not long ago, but we are still living together until one of us find a place to move. How can the no contact rule be implemented if he can just knock on your door and see if you are ok ? Or shall this only be started after one of us moves out, while at the meantime try to be friends ?

Jen

October 29, 2015 at 11:01 pm

Hi Chris! I have successfully completed No Contact and have successfully texted him the first day with an interesting text, received a response, and kept it short ending the text first since I was at the gym. Then today Day 2 of me messaging him I said “you know whats crazy…” and he said “yea…” and continued to confront me about ignoring him for several weeks and then just casually texting him about a tv show we liked. Even though i wanted to yell at him that about what does he expect when he dumped me and then was stringing me along for a couple weeks… I didn’t I just replied “no this weather- its going to be warm again after the weekend” but that I hoped he’d be keeping warm on his delivery runs today when its cold. Then he responded “yes i hope you do too. Maybe we can watch the show together when it comes out”. How should I have responded when he confronted me and sent that angry text? And I am assuming he is still somewhat upset that I “ignored” him… any advice?

Jessica hollar

October 28, 2015 at 12:47 am

Hi Chris,
My ex and I just recently got into a heated argument. We don’talways see eye to eye but I think it’s small things we can work through as to where he would just rather call it quits. We only dated for about 2 months, so I’m wondering if no contact would even matter in a short term relationship. I can be very sarcastic at times and have a smart mouth. He said he can’t deal with that. He suggested being friends and not rushing and we’ll see if we can be i a relationship depending on if things get better or not.I just think maybe I need to move on completely. It’s not fair to be on hold until he decides. We all have flaws. I was looking past his but apparently he can’t do the same.

Karen

October 28, 2015 at 12:38 am

I highly enjoyed your article. A month ago, the guy I’m dating dumped me (via Facebook, may I just add) because he’s not yet ready for a commitment. He said he has a lot of plans (travelling, going back to school, etc) and that he is unsure whether he can do all of those while in a relationship. He indicated he still wanted to be friends with me. A couple of weeks after that, I decided to do the 60-day No Contact. However, on the 22nd day, he contacted me to say hi and chatted with me for a bit about a recent hiking trip I went to. In short, I broke the rule.

Now I’m back on Day 1. The conversation itself was pretty awkward as I was the only one talking and he just kept saying “Haha” or “That’s good” and all of those generic responses like he was totally disinterested. I ended the conversation with this message:

“I won’t be able to sleep unless i get this off my chest so hear me out… Maybe we jumped on this whole friendship thing a bit too soon. You feel awkward for a reason and you’re the only one who knows the reason why. Whatever that is, you obviously need more time to think things through. Maybe I’m overanalyzing things, I don’t know. I don’t want to impose myself on you so this will be my last message to you until such time that you figure out what you want. The ball is in your court, (name). Good luck and I hope things turn out good for you.”

He also mentioned that he’s talking to some girls too though it’s nothing serious. I feel like it is pointless for me to still hope for a reconciliation. I would appreciate your thoughts on this. Thank you.

Nicole

October 27, 2015 at 9:57 am

This is a shot in the dark for a reply, but I understand if you don’t.

I really, truly, messed up, and I hope it isn’t too late. I separated from my boyfriend of 3.5 years after becoming selfish and obsessed with grass is greener/soul searching – I became very “me, me, me”, and wanted the best of both worlds – to still date him but to live separately. I caved after a day and moved back in – I realized that he’s the only one for me, and I should be able to soul search with him.

However, because of his anger of me leaving the 1st time, it became a very hostile environment, and I was still too self-absorbed and waiting for an answer that I really didn’t give him time to heal. I pressed the issue, he said some really nasty things, and I ended it and moved out again a week ago. I regret it every second of every day, I’ve gone NC (which is tough because we have dogs), and there is no reason we should even be separated. I was stupid and am full of remorse – even though I am working on myself during this time, I just feel like there’s no coming back. He knows that I don’t want it to be over, but I’ve hurt him so badly – not once, but twice.

Is there any hope at all?

Thank you,
Nicole

Amy

October 27, 2015 at 6:52 am

We’ve been together for 3 years. We broke up kinda since the last Saturday we fought. I didn’t answer him for 2 days and I answered he’s call today. He asked me if I’m dating anyone? and I accidentally answered him saying no. I’m going to change my style from head to toe. Is it okay to keep friend on Facebook? Give me some advice please. Thank you.

Sasha

October 26, 2015 at 11:38 pm

How do I do no contact? He comes to see his son on the weekends, I have to be there the whole time for when he gets hungry because he is still breastfed.

Kayla

October 26, 2015 at 11:25 pm

Hi Chris,

I just wanted to say, first off, your website has helped me feel at ease before I go to sleep at night, so thank you for taking time to do this for women. But I need some advice.

My boyfriend and I were together for three years, and broke up around the 11th of this month. In September we had stopped being intimate; I assumed it was all the stress he was under. But as the weeks went on, he grew distant, and I noticed him talking to a “female friend” more and more often. When I called him out on it, he INSISTED she was ONLY a friend.

But now he’s started dating her. I pray to god that it’s a rebound, because he truly made me the happiest I have ever been in my life – he saved me from suicidal thoughts and actions taking place before we got together. He has helped me grow into the person I am today, and I want him back.

My gut tells me it is a rebound, but I suffer from an anxiety disorder, which always tends to make me second guess my gut feelings. what do you think? Should I trust him if he does come back around?

I’ve been hitting the gym and have lost 15 pounds over this whole ordeal from stress, and fully intend to continue improving myself. I guess I just want to look at this from a guy’s perspective, and what better than to have someone like you look at, right?

Thanks for your time!

– Kayla

Kerri

October 26, 2015 at 1:46 am

Hey Chris,
I’ve been seeing this guy for a year! And he won’t commit to even a relationship… I’ve heard every excuse in the book, yet he still pawns for me and we spent all of our free time together. But I deserve some commitment.. It’s been 2 weeks I’ve done the no contact before but never made it past 17 days..

Louisa

October 25, 2015 at 11:00 am

HI Chris,

This week is started the NC period, after I had diner with my ex boyfriend to talk. He said he didn’t want me anymore, because he is afraid our relation will be drama again. But he also told me he still loves me and misses me. I ended the relation a month ago, so it’s my fault it’s over. I really miss him and found out that he is still the one I love. It is my birthday in a couple of days and I know he is going to call or send me a text message to wish me a happy birthday. Should i ignore him? Or just be friendly and sound “happy”?

Another question I have: should i delete him from my snapchat? I am not sending him personal snapchats, but I know he watches my story. I don’t want him to think I am uploading my story just for him..

I really hope you can help met out here..

Natasha

October 25, 2015 at 12:04 am

Hi Chris,

My ex and I were together for about 9 months. About a month ago now, he suddenly decided he wanted to break up with me. He said he didn’t see a positive future anymore and everytime he thought about our relationship, he would only get stressed and think negatively. We have always had conflicts once in a while but he’s never been the person to deal with them well. In fact, everytime something negative happens he just backs off and just can’t seem to understand the importance of communication. So I feel this is a result of so much ‘stress’ having built up from the past for him and he no longer knows how to move forward from that.
We went on a break for a couple of weeks, and when I contacted him again he didn’t seem to have changed his mind at all. I told him during a NC break, I felt hurt about what happened but I still remember what we used to have (before we started going out, we were incredibly close friends and never kept anything from eachother. Which is why I find it difficult to accept that once we did enter into a relationship he has gradually stopped communicating with me) and I find it difficult to just let go and give up of that connection. We have decided to end this once and for all, but I just can’t really get my head around why everything happened so suddenly, and I feel he hasn’t been honest about what made up his mind. What do you suggest I should do at this point?

Thanks.

Natasha

October 24, 2015 at 12:09 am

Hey Chris,
My ex-boyfriend just broke up with about 5 days ago, he said his feeling have changed for me, we’ve been together for 3 years, we were in engaged, we lived with each other for about 8 months…. He and I were very upset after the beak, I cried and he cried as well. I was completely heartbroken I thought I lost the capability to breath, I thought it was the end of the world. He is the love my life and and he is the one I wanted to marry and grow old with. That day I begged and pleaded and told him I can change…but it just didn’t do know good. I called and texted him a few times the first two days. But then I found your website and read about the no contact rule, so I’m trying it right now, I haven’t spoken to him in 3 days. Well the first time I came to our apartment to pick up my stuff I gave back the love letters he wrote to me in the beginning of or relationship, picture of us, I gave back 2 Valentine’s Day cards he gave me. The roses he gave me that I dried on our 2nd year being together on his night stand. The second time I came back to the apartment to get the rest of my stuff, to my suprise the only thing he threw away was the roses, everything else he still kept in his closet, including his promise ring, what also got me suprised was the neclace he had given me was still on his night stand. Do you think he may still have feelings for me? Should I continue the NC? Thank You

Alisha

October 23, 2015 at 5:29 am

Firstly, top marks on your site – well done! Here’s my story….a week ago I suggested to my boyfriend we take a break, over a phone call. I was fed up and felt he was not making enough effort in our 5-month relationship. Examples: Disregard in general, self-centered, doesn’t plan dates, even small things such as getting some food in the fridge when I come visit (lives like a bachelor). We then got together and talked, he believed we were going to patch things up, however my voiced concerns about making more effort to include me in his life, rather than just me feeling like an ‘add-on’ that fits into his routine, made him think. And then ‘out of the blue’, he agreed that my concerns were legitimate and that he doesn’t know what he wants! And then he left my place even though I wanted him to stay – said he needed to think about things. I was so emotional and after a few too many drinks, I sent some nasty texts (i.e.: that I was stupid to believe in him, that he is everything people warned me about, that he is a sad person etc.). So, after waking up the next morning and feel totally embarrassed, I decide to apologise immediately. And so, I go to his house and apologise face-to-face, but then also decided to ask for my house keys and give his back, tell him its for the best we split, and then I left! I wanted the control over how things ended! Now I am backtracking, wondering whether I was expecting too much too soon and surely there was a better way to communicate my concerns? I like this man (God knows why sometimes!!), and he does have good core values, when you get to know him deep down. We’d still be together had I not initiated this break. I have seen him since, just in passing when I was with a girlfriend a couple nights ago…we were amicable. I sent a text to say I’d like to talk to him about something and hoped he would agree, however his response is ‘Another time’. I assume that’s a ‘no’ and so I am backing off. Our friends believe he truly feels strongly for me – his best mate says he felt backed in a corner by me. Do you think its too late to salvage anything – he is a very proud person and believes not to let people in on how he really feels/thinks. He is also very clever and has an ‘off the wall’ IQ. I don’t think he will entertain a talk, and assume that the nasty messages are something he probably would not forgive, knowing the type of person he is. We live in the same community and have mutual friends, so no contact is going to be a tough challenge. Its his birthday next week – I feel compelled to at least wish him via text (otherwise wouldn’t it be rude not to wish him?). With all this said, is the NC rule applicable here, or should I just be letting this one go? Did I take this too far too go back?

Rosa

October 23, 2015 at 5:19 am

Hi Chris,

My boyfriend (26) of 5 months (known him for 2 years before) broke up with me(23) and said he was too busy in life and that he didn’t want to leave me hanging..he’s emotionally unavailable..he thinks I need to spend some time working on myself etc etc. I told him that I was working on myself regardless in terms of my career and I don’t need him to tell me this. He only broke up with me once we became even more closer. He said it would be sad for him to say bye to me but he has to. I begged him to stay via email but no response; 2 days after that I felt stupid for sending that email so I sent a new email stating in the future we could be friends but in the meanwhile wishing him all the best just to regain control. That’s the last email I ever intend to send to him until the 30 days are over. Its now been 3 days of no contact. Hanging in there!. Will no contact work in this situation? Can I start using my social media again and post pictures and tweets? would that be going against the no contact rule if he sees what I am up to? I don’t want him to get comfortable stalking me online lol and have all these assumptions that delays him getting into contact again if you know what I mean. Thank you for reading = ]

Alexis

October 22, 2015 at 10:14 pm

Hi Chris, I was with my boyfriend for 18 months and he broke up with me 2 months ago because we were arguing a lot and he finds that we are very different in personalities. In the initial 1.5 months, I did everything wrong by begging and pestering.

I started no contact 17 days ago, and bumped into him yesterday. He treated me like he used to, hugging me and stroke my waist and we had a good 1 hour chat. He said he wanted to watch a show together some time in the next couple of weeks. Then when we were home, he put up a wall again and was distant and I made the mistake of asking him why he was being cold, and asked to stay in touch and couldn’t stop being a text gnat for 2 days. Now he’s cold and has stopped replying me.

I wanted to get your advice..Wondering if it is too late to restart the NC? Should I still do 30 days? Or is there no hope to get him back already?

Thank you!

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