The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,801 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

nala

October 22, 2015 at 7:26 pm

If a guy has not broken up with you, but after an initial period of strong interest he has pulled away, has become distant, lukewarm and uninterested, is refusing to commit to a real relationship and is taking you for granted, is it effective to end it with him, implement no contact, then try to reconnect? Or would you recommend just going distant on him as well?
Anne

October 22, 2015 at 1:39 pm

My ex and I broke up last week, but last spoke this past Monday. He told me he thinks we’re better as friends, although he was saying how much he was falling in love with me and talking about our future together. We had a couple weeks the end of sept/beginning of october where I was so busy with work and then he was busy with work that we didn’t see each other/talk on the phone but only a few min a day, but we still kept in contact and discussed seeing each other soon. Well, on Monday he said informed me he was interested in another woman. He said he still wants my friendship and his daughters (6 & 7) adore me. I told him “I can’t do this. I don’t know how to just be your friend”. He asked if that means I don’t want him to call/text or facebook me and I said yes.

My question is, does the NC Rule work if you told them not to call you and they said they respect that and if I change my mind to give him a call????
Isabel

October 22, 2015 at 4:52 am

Ok so I dated my ex for almost 2 years and during that time that I dated my ex and even after me and him broke up I stayed really close with his best friend. It was to a point where he treated me like family and he always protected me and he helped me through the time that I was heartbroken by my ex and when he and his girlfriend broke up I helped him too. But then when I went to go see him a couple months ago, I realized he would just stare at me and and like really look into my eyes and he would say things like “your so cute” (I’m pretty slow to tell when they like me, the only reason I started paying attention is because my friend told me I should of dated him instead of my ex because he is actually a gentleman) anyways as I was saying, we went to the movies to watch Jurassic park and then we went to his room and we started playing video games, and when I got up to leave, I opened the door and he just closed it not letting me leave and he just kissed me, he caught me off guard I didn’t know how to react so I left and he walked me out and I told him I will visit again. I kept thinking about that kiss all night and the next day so I messaged him and I asked him what happened the day before between me and him and he just said that he really wanted to kiss me when we were in the movie theater but he was afraid that I wouldn’t feel the same way, he apologized for kissing me and he said he normally doesn’t do that because he is shy type so I asked him how he feels and he said he likes me and I told him I slowly started to like him over time but that I always denied it to myself because I was scared to mess up and he said he felt the same so we started to go on dates but then his boss switched him to graveyard shifts so all he ended up doing was sleeping, then wake up eat shower then back to work, he would still invite me over and we would just fall asleep together and everything was so amazing but the last time I was with him we were still good and we agreed to have me come over the day after and when I texted him if it was still ok to go see him he said that he won’t be able to hang out because he had drama going on and that he needed to be alone to figure his life so I decided to give him his space and I told him that if he needed to talk I was there to help him in any way I can because I know how hard it is to open up about his problems but the problem is that we have about 2 months that we don’t talk and I’ve tried texting him and he just doesn’t reply.. Why is he ignoring me? This is kinda unfair to me because he made me realize and accept how I really feel about him and it hurts like hell.. I also feel a little guilty because he is my ex boyfriends best friend and I’ve been having the worst couple months ever since we stopped talking… I got my car stolen, then I went broke, then they stole my laptop weeks later after my car was stolen… Also my parents have been really tough with me and I feel really alone… Please help, any opinion is truly appreciated… I just need some sort of answer of what may be happening, doesn’t have to be true or not, I just need someone’s opinion, I’m sorry for the huge letter and I appreciate you taking your time to answer me, just know that I am extremely grateful
dassie

October 20, 2015 at 11:37 pm

Hi Chris，
I broke up with my EX for 8 days, and I read this website i decide that start 30 days no contacting rule. He left a message to me said want to me to find another man and get a new life without him, but he also said if we have something connection in our life, maybe in the future we can be together again. I really love him and I do not want to give up our love. The most important reason we broke up is his parents said we were not suited to each other in personality. But I think we both complement one another. When he broke up i spend all my 8 days to cry and sleep and also try to forget him but I can not do it. So I decide try your no contacting rule as my last chance. Could you give some encourage and some idea about this kind of situation.

Chris Seiter

October 22, 2015 at 1:41 am

He’s giving you hope that you will be together again in the future. Sounds like he will miss you just as much during those 30 days. I’d advise to write his phone number down and put it in your drawer or somewhere it wont be so easy to text him and delete his number for the 30 days. I think you are going to have a very difficult time not texting him back if he contacts you. On the 30th day you can put his number back in your phone and text him.

Aiofe

October 20, 2015 at 11:10 am

Hi Chris, I broke up with my ex 2 years ago and he begged me to be friends and I tried but we end ended up sleeping with each other and emotions are hot and I cant deal with it anymore as he is blowing hot and cold and 1 minute acting like I am his gf and next minute treating me like I don’t exist. I do think that we are a great fit. I just want things to progress. Can you advise me. I would appreciate it a whole lot.

x

Aiofe

October 22, 2015 at 3:56 am

Hi Chris, sorry that I wasn’t clear about my previous enquiry but I just have 1 more pressing issue that I need your recommendation with. Ever since we broke up, we have always kept in touch via text msgs and we meet up once a week where I normally sleep over till the next day. It has been an ongoing thing the last 2 years till now and we had meltdowns twice in each year about him treating me like his gf but I am not and that he said it was not right as he wanted to find his perfect wife. Recently about 2 and a half weeks ago I tried to ask him out like I would normally do and he would give me excuses that he was tired or he didn’t know what time work would end and what not. He “seemed” to be avoiding me but still kept texting everyday. I asked him again and he kept saying we can meet another day. I don’t know if this is from the fact that I have been sick the last 2 weeks or? I did ask him if he was avoiding me but he said no. I changed the story around and told him that he must be happy because this was what he always wanted but he kept saying no and that he doesn’t know what I was on about.
I didn’t know what else to do so I just went cold turkey no contact the last 3 days and he hasn’t texted me. What should I do next? From my understanding of being around him the last 5 years, I understand that his ex gf dumped him without saying a word and he didn’t fully recover from that and then I came into the picture. He seems to have low self esteem from my observation even though he is cocky and very very smart an charming with his words. H e used to have plenty of girls around him to pick from but now now he has changed physically from handsome irish dude to becoming fat and doesn’t take care of himself much. 1 girl actually said to him in his face that he was a jerk.
Sorry for such a long winded msg but I could really use your words of wisdom here.

x
Chris Seiter

October 22, 2015 at 1:31 am

Don’t sleep with him until you are official. You are making yourself FWB. Next time you see him make sure it’s somewhere in public so your not tempted.

San

October 18, 2015 at 7:44 pm

Hi Chris,
Recently ended a non-relationship relationship a week ago as he wanted a relationship but not with me. I noticed the distance n less effort On his part so I decided not to continue with him. We both agreed to not communicate but I’m sure he is expecting me to cave and contact him as I’ve done before. I felt this time was different as he was hurt when I told him that I was not looking for a relationship but is open along the line. He sprung the talk within the first two weeks of us hanging out and scared me and pretty much decided it will never progress. We had been seeing one another for 3 months until last week. I started the NC rule right after but is curious if I am wasting my time and if it will even work as I know he will not reach out to me. Chris please respond n advise as I’m confused how someone can have feelings for you then when your open to it he changes his mind but benefited from the GF without the label. Thank you!
heartbroken

October 18, 2015 at 5:30 am

Hey
Does no contact rule help me in getting commitment from my married boyfriend. He said he loves me but need sometime to tell about us to his wife . I don’t want to be the other women hence I decided to go on no contact. I have told him to first sort things out and till then I would appreciate if he doesn’t contact me .
Do u think no contact will make him come back and commit to me

Chris Seiter

October 18, 2015 at 6:31 pm

Ah I never condone cheating so I’m not much help here. Honestly find yourself a man that wont cheat. I know he probably says he will never do it to you, but if he’s doing it to his wife which he made vows to and invested a ton of time into he will def do the same thing to you. Great job with the no contact.

Victoria

October 16, 2015 at 4:21 am

Hi, Chris.
I broke up with my boyfriend 2 weeks ago. He told me the feelings changed when he went abroad. He said due to the homesick and all alone in the new environment. Then he stopped taking the initiative to contact me and I said give each other a week to figure out what he really want. Before the day came, I broke it off.
I started NC, and realized it was a mistake to break it off and didn’t give him space and time to think. What should I do now? Should I continue the NC?

Chris Seiter

October 17, 2015 at 5:46 am

Yes, continue the NC.

Manu

October 14, 2015 at 11:04 pm

Hi Chris!

I started the NC rule today but im worried if I dont reply my ex whenever he calls or texts me he’ll think I’m being rude or childish
and i love him so much Im also worried he’ll end up not caring and move on
please please reply i’m super worried !

Manu

October 26, 2015 at 8:00 pm

he called me once yesterday and twice today but i didnt pick up. Is that a good sign?
Manu

October 25, 2015 at 10:48 pm

Hi Chris I’m scared he won’t care if I don’t speak to him i started the NC rule two days ago. The situation is that we wouldnt speak for some days and then he’d come back and say hey and that he misses me and loves me and i would say it back then a few days afterwards he’d be a bit distant and the conversation will always be a bit boring and lukewarm oh and about 3 weeks ago he was the one who told me he didn’t want to continue whatever it is we had and i said that was fine but he always tells me he loves me and misses me but sometimes I would ask him what i am to him and he would tell me im his friend. I started the NC rule two days ago because i asked him if we had ever been on a proper date when we were dating and he said he didn’t know and i got frustrated and told him he never knows when it comes to us and he said i should ask one of “my guys” to take me on a date ( bear in mind i have never in my life cheated on him) and then i told him i didnt have any guys and asked him if he didnt trust me and he told me i can do what i want and that he doesnt know what that question has to do with him. It really hurt my feelings and i told him “ok im done” and he asked “you’re done asking me silly questions?” which i didnt reply and thats when i started the no contact rule. Do you think it could work?? because i dont understand why he would tell me he loves me and then act this way.
Chris Seiter

October 16, 2015 at 3:02 am

What is your biggest fear?

To be honest I don’t see a powerful alternative to the no contact rule.

Sam

October 12, 2015 at 10:38 pm

Hi Chris! My boyfriend and I broke up 3 days ago. This is how things have gone since –

1. The night of the break up – basically told me he couldn’t get over the past (I emotionally cheated months before) and that he didn’t think he felt as much for me anymore
2. The next morning – I was heartbroken. I let my emotions get the best of me and I did the whole pleading with him (I know – I’m embarrassed)
3. 2 days later..didn’t say anything
4. 3 days later…I sent him a message “Any chance you’d want to get together and talk on Saturday?” and his response, “I’ll be in Ann Arbor Saturday but if you want to pick a different day….”

He didn’t shoot me down right away…which is what I thought he would do. And to be honest – I don’t even know what we’d talk about, I just want us to apologize and make up, ha. Where do you think I should go with it? Does it mean that he still cares if he’s willing to meet up? And lets just say he sticks to his guns and wants to move on. Do you think that the NC rule would be for me or should I just let it go at that point?

Thank you!!
Unknown

October 9, 2015 at 4:04 pm

Hey Chris , I read a lot of your articles and I really liked them . Thank you so much.
I have a question about the no contact rule . Now that my boyfriend pushed me away from him because he had a serious illness and didn’t want to hurt me . He didn’t tell me about it. He kept the truth hidden until I digged to know the truth. He told me everything 5 days ago. Should I go with the no contact rule to get him back to me or I must stick with him until things go better ? Will the no contact rule work in my situation? Because I feel like it could be mean to him instead of being there for him.
Confused

October 9, 2015 at 10:53 am

Hi Chris. My ex boyfriend and I broke up 2 weeks ago. All come so suddenly. On 14/9, we just celebrated for our 3.5 years anniversary. After that day, he treated me so cold for a week. I asked what our relationship is, he said is couple. From 22/9 he suddenly did not reply any of my messages. Two days after, he said he doesn’t love me anymore. He said his love was fading completely.
We did have a big argument in late August but we became fine after talking to each other and everything was fine in Sep. Everything happens so suddenly! I can’t bear it. We had contact for just 3 time after the break up. He just contacted me actively once to apologise for not giving me enough signals. The last contact we had was this Monday. He blessed me to find a better guy. I thought he may be tired of handling new life (because we both get into university this year), but he said he had considered the decision for a long while (that week he treated my so cold?).
Actually, we experienced 2 break up before. We got back together very soon.
I admitted that I had so much negative emotion in the recent 2 months because I could not get into the first choice of the university. Yes I had low self-esteem and little bit clingy.
Overall, I think our relationship is fit that we have the similar goal and I am his first love.
Is my case unique? Does NC work on me? Because it seems that he doesn’t care about me anymore as he showed no sign of sadness after that. I think he didn’t cheat because he didn’t delete our photos on ig and Facebook.

Confused

October 16, 2015 at 5:33 am

Oh he deleted all of our photos yesterday.

Aroma

October 7, 2015 at 9:41 am

Hi Christ, hi everyone.

First of all please ignore my grammar & typo mistakes. English is not my 1st language.
I am so happy that I found this website, could not even ask for more. My boyfriend & I broke up about 2 weeks ago. No cheating, no arguing, no yelling, nothing bad we did to each other. He said he wants to focus on his career, he might not be the right one for me bla bla. To be honest, I fully understand his decision, I did beg him to stay while he saying to break up but when I realize he really wanted to leave my house (he came to my house that night), I let him go. Since then we have not spoken to each other at all. I miss him to death, I really want to check out how he is doing right now but I did not do anything. We are still friends on facebook. In the 1st week he did not change his profile picture which was our picture, his fb status was still in relationship with me. I did not delete any picture, I left them as they were because I did not dare to look at them. However I found out after 2 weeks, he is no longer in relationship with me on fb, I guess he hided it as only him can see. His profile picture was changed into the scene photo which I took during our last vacation together.
We used to chat/message each other through the application like Viber ( this is something very common in my country), I know that he is still using our pictures as his profile pic & cover pic. Does it mean he is still in love with me?
Anyway, deep inside me, I know he is worth fighting for, he is the one for me. I will follow your no contact rule which is I am quite good at. I have never sent him a text/called him since then. It’s been 2 weeks now, will see how it goes.
Sometimes I post my pictures on facebook or check in while going to the cinema/hang out with friends. Should I stop doing these things to disappear 100%. You know we are still friends on facebook so he knows what am doing anyway. Should I completely disappear from his sight and come back in the next few weeks?
Thank you so much for reading my post. I am sorry for my English.

Chris Seiter

October 11, 2015 at 7:16 am

Definitely don’t stop doing those things.

In fact, you can use facebook to your advantage sometimes.

Tasha

October 6, 2015 at 2:06 pm

Hey Chris,

Do you have anything for gay male relationships?

Chris Seiter

October 11, 2015 at 7:03 am

Can you be more specific for me?

Lola

October 5, 2015 at 7:06 am

Hey Chris, me and my boyfriend went long distance for 9 months. I left him he was devastated. We were seeing each other once a month but I didn’t want to listen to his negative approach towards the distance and his pain. 6 months after the distance we started having first real problems as he said I was fading. We talked and I kinda talked him into staying. Two months later the problems reemerged – at the beginning I told him I would never come back and was giving him the pressure to move after me but then I felt tired from being far and I wanted to be back. He didn’t believe I could be happy back and he didn’t want the responsibility – the future was uncertain so he resigned. He resigned being closed to entire world, unhappy about all the surrounding, move to another job and turned into workaholic. We had another argument he broke up the next day I arrived and made hm stay. I lost myself on the way and I became needy and clingy. He told me I wasn’t giving him space to put effort. Couple of days ago he broke up with me. He said he didn’t deserve me and he hoped I would find sb that will, he said that I always tried to make things good for us and he tried to break it each and every time. He said he was feeling unhappy towards everything and partially me as well. The day of the breakup he had huge mood swings. He wanted to see me, buy flight tickets for me in two weeks, go on holidays, plan a start-up together and on the same phone call once we started talking about our living somewhere together ( we couldn’t come up with a good plan, as he didn’t believe I wanted to go back ) he changed around and demanded silent days and then the break up on the same day. I haven’t contacted him since then as I read your no contact rule. He said to his best friend that it wasn’t that he stopped loving me and he simply felt really tired and without power and that we both should recover as we were not happy. My legit reason to bring him back is that I know that I was unhappy because I moved and I felt the guilt and he was unhappy coz I chose leaving still. I pushed myself into leaving because I was terrified to put sb else first in front of me due to my prior experience. Now I have a question for you. Should I stop deluding myself or I should apply no contact rule and grow stronger and be more myself and maybe there is a chance he will show around when he saw that I am still the same person? As you imagine as most of the heartbroken ones I am confused so any word of wisdom will be appreciated 🙂

Chris Seiter

October 6, 2015 at 3:59 am

Definitely apply NC.

Also, check out the updated version,

https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/the-no-contact-rule-version-2-0/

Dana

October 2, 2015 at 10:55 pm

My boyfriend broke up with me a little over a month ago. We dated for a year and 3 months and 10 months of it was long distance. The distance would be ending in a few months but out of nowhere he breaks up with me saying he’s confused about life and wants to be alone to figure it out. He was telling me for over a year that I’m the one and he can’t wait to live with me and marry me one day. When he broke up with me (over Skype) I immediately started the no contact period. His birthday is coming up and I was wondering if I should text him or not. I do still care and love him and a big part of me wants to be with him again.
Meredith

October 1, 2015 at 10:14 am

So I was curious about your advice for men who want to get back with their ex gfs and found your ex gf recovery guide. While reading it, I realized that he (le ex) was doing some of the female things that show he is still interested. E.g asking his best mate to contact me/keep tabs on how I’m going. Checking all my social media’s.
Let’s call him Ross.
Ross has left some very expensive and valuable items at the house we lived in together which now only I reside at. Day 3 of being broken up he comes around to get some of his stuff but can’t find it all. He gives me a big hug at the beginning and ending of our little meet up, one of this lasting hugs you’ve mentioned in an article. And tells me to message if I find any of his stuff. (Some which he really needs)
Fast forward a few days, I find your guide and decide to start a 21 NC as we broke up over good terms (or well goodish). Day 2 of NC I get drunk and spill my heart out to Ross’ friend about how I’ve pushed my friends away and been a miserable shit.
It’s now Day 4/5 of NC and I can predict Ross messaging me asking if I’ve found any of his stuff he left behind (including his favourite shirt) in the next week or so. I also know if I am to ignore him, his “spy” will likely message me asking why I haven’t replied to Ross yet. If this situation arises, what is the best course of action?
I’ll also take the time to add in here that Ross showed very little emotion in our relationship but it was obvious he cared.
Although I know the 30 NC rule is very strict, he does kinda need his car keys…
savvy

September 29, 2015 at 7:42 pm

Hi chris, my story may sound regular but here it goes; i cheated on my boyfriend of almost 3yrs and he broke up with me two days ago but he still sends texts to me and acts so nice, you wouldn’t believe that I hurt him. He said he still loves me and lawd, i do love him more than ever. We decided to be friends and see how things go from there but each time i have a chat with him, i feel the want that lets me know that i really do want more. I want him back. Now, due to his niceness, i don’t want to seem like an asshole if I suddenly stop replying his texts or getting in touch with him in any way. I just want an advise on what to really do. Should i just go on with the ncr or get to talk to him about it before i go on the journey?
Lorraine

September 27, 2015 at 1:55 pm

My ex and I dated for 4 years. We got into a slump for a few weeks. We both stopped trying & inevitably ended things mutually. We both cried together as we ended things, etc. After a week (we had been texting one another, checking in to make sure one another was ok), I wanted to reconcile & give us another shot. We never really tried to fix our problems, we just gave up, and I know we could make it work. We were so happy up until the last month. When we sat down to talk, I told him I wanted to get back together, and he told me he needed to think because he liked being single & the freedom he had, but he still cared and missed me. After a couple days, he texted me saying “he didn’t want to lose me forever and he’ll probably regret saying it…he didn’t want to get back together for fear of regretting the opportunity to see what he is missing out there.”
So I was devastated, but told him if that was what made him happy then I would have to understand. (He started hanging with a guy who is a jerk, and I think he had a lot to do with his decision) I have not spoken to him, nor looked at any of his social media, and plan on doing the NC Rule.
I have two questions for you…
1. I am attending a party for a mutual friend soon and he will probably be there. It will only be 2 weeks that we haven’t spoke, so do I ignore him at the party, or if he comes up to me do I talk to him?
2. I do believe we are meant to be and I want to fight for this, but I have a feeling he is already rebounding with someone else, or is just totally done. I’ve read all of your articles, but how will I know if he is completely done or wants me back too? I don’t want to be negative, but how do I know when to give up?
Giselle

September 25, 2015 at 12:19 am

Hi Chris,

I am in the 8th day of NC period. However, i can’t stop myself from missing.

Last night at 1.03am, i fb msg him by saying : the night is still young 🙂

He replied me by saying: Go and have your fun. Enjoy.

I realized that i should not contact him hence, i immediately finished the conversation by saying: actually just come back frkm outside 🙂 bye.

Am i doing the right thing? Do i need to restart the NC period? What if he thinks that I’m doing good without him? He seems like doesn’t miss me at all nor showing any interest to get back with me.

The reason that he want to break up it’s because i overcontrol he felt very stressed. How and what can i do?

Please help me,Chris.

Thank you.

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6,801 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”