The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,801 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Ellie

September 1, 2015 at 6:40 pm

after chasing him for a too long time, with a lot of complications, tried to move on , he pulled me back , fell in love again, he never acted like he wanted anything with me until I started avoiding him, and then I was all over him again and I got him for a very short time- he was all over me, we werent bf and gf but he acted like we were, and we had a great time together, I know he did too, and then he decided that he doesnt want me and I started chasing him again and he dumped me so bad and so brutally , you have no idea. I am planning on following your advice , but I think that there is no hope in this situation, cause it ended so bad that he should seriously feel very guilty, but he lacks empathy , so he won’t. Is it impossible to make him want him again?
Belle

August 31, 2015 at 8:55 am

Hi Chris, my ex broke it off with me two weeks ago because i was picking arguments with him and stressing him out. Since then hes been jealous of the fact i could be with another guy, admitted that he loves me still but just cant have a relationship, drunk texting me to then pull back again and say we need to move on etc. Ive done the usual begging and trying to convince him but he wont budge. In an argumentva week ago he said we could talk as i had been asking to speak to him, i stopped replying because i was angry and felt he would only say the same ‘this wont happen stuff’ after i stopped replying he sent a ?…..i managed 6 days until yesterday where i caved and messaged him apologising for not responding the other night and we can still talk if he wants. And nothing. Will no contact work now?

Belle

September 1, 2015 at 1:48 pm

Asked if he had really sent my things back to me too and got an angry response to which i didnt rise to….help please? :/

Jessica

August 31, 2015 at 1:18 am

Hey Chris!
It’s been almost a month since I broke up with my ex boyfriend. I only broke up with him because a few days before the breakup we were talking about our relationship and whether we want to continue it. I’m 18 and he’s 20. He just transferred to a new college that’s 2 and a half hours away so it would’ve been long distance. When he bought up the topic for the first time it seemed positive. There are issues like we have 2 different religions but that didn’t seem to pose like much of a problem for him. He then asked me if I was dating him for the heck of it or was it more than that. I said as a person I could see long term, but we have things to sort out in terms of religion,careers and just plain old growing up! I noticed that he seemed pleased with that response but was beating around the bush when it came to me. Then he said doing long distance wouldn’t be trouble for him and we could hang out when he comes home for winter break. He told me on my face “I really hope we can make this work” and I felt so good. Then a few days later on the phone he told me he “didn’t feel the same way I did” and “didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone”. When I asked him if he wanted to break up he couldn’t answer it so I got frustrated and ended it. At that time I knew nothing about no contact but we didn’t speak for almost 2 weeks. I then texted him on his move in day to wish him luck for the semester and we reconciled our differences. However, his second day there he contacted me through snapchat and had a short and sweet conversation with me. He even called me one of the little nicknames that we had for each other, which was more affectionate than romantic but still sweet. He then texted me a few days ago to wish me on my birthday and last night at like 1 AM he started a conversation with me on facebook which was our longest conversation since the breakup. He again called me that same nickname. In all of these conversations he’s been super caring and concerned about me but is being so….normal? I don’t get it because I even told him I don’t want to be friends with an ex. He’s starting to bounce back in my life. I feel like I’m acting like a doormat where he could just text me whenever he wants and I’m there! Maybe he’s texting me because he’s lonely? But I don’t even know if that’s his intention to make me feel like that and maybe he wants to get me back? I honestly don’t know. I really want to try no contact and see where this goes. I want him as my boyfriend back so badly!! We dated for 4 months but our feelings and relationship has gone on for 3 years! And he’s acted so much in a way where it’s like he’s serious about me and one day out of the blue he doesn’t want to be in a relationship?! Although ultimately it is my ex’s decision, do you think I have a shot in getting my ex back? And do you think no contact is the best strategy here?
Mary

August 31, 2015 at 1:18 am

Hello Chris,
Would you say it’s ever too late/futile to do No Contact?

Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago and sadly I didn’t know about NC, so I unwittingly played along with his hot and cold-ness, giving in and talking to him every time he came back around to talk to me, telling me he missed me or sending me a funny video.

The last time he did this was 2 weeks ago. He came into my life for 5 days, taking the initiative in texting me everyday, then gradually went cold and eventually disappeared again. I wished him a happy birthday, he said thank you and to say hi to my dog, I said I would and since then there’s been no contact.
I’ve decided not to talk to him since and stuck to it for 9 days.

Would you say I’ve left it too late and he already sees me as someone who’s there at his demand no matter what?
Is there any point in NC after 3 months of allowing him to come and go because I didn’t know better?

Chris Seiter

September 2, 2015 at 3:44 am

There is definitely a point that it’s too late to use the NC but I don’t think it’s too late for you.

Jen

August 30, 2015 at 11:12 pm

Hey Chris,
Ironically that is my ex’s name. I’m sorry if this gets too long.
My ex and I had been together for 4 months. The first 2 months were perfect. During the third month, things got strained. He got a new job so it was hard for use to see each other. His schedule made him tired so we didn’t get to talk as much because he was always asleep. Around the end of July is when things started to change. One of his friends committed suicide. Then his phone broke for about 2 weeks. On Aug 8th, he got his new phone and told me that he would see me the following Friday on his next day off. We talked everyday before he went to work that week. Friday came and he disappears. No call or text to tell me and no response to my texts or calls. He finally texted me the next day. He called me to tell me that he thought we should take a break. “I’m really stressed out and I feel like my life is falling apart. I don’t want to see other people, I just need time to get my life together.” From Aug 16 to 21 (my bday), we spoke 3 times. He initiated the first. During that week, I discovered through social media that he wasn’t able to go to school this semester and it seems like he lost his job. I’d tried to offer my support to him but if I asked what was wrong, he would only say “My life is just messed up.” and stop replying. However, he’s been out with his friends almost everyday so he doesn’t seem to be trying to fix anything. I broke up with him a week ago because I couldn’t emotionally deal with a “break” (I was always anxious wondering if he’d text me) and I felt he hadnt been putting any effort in for a while. Since he never wanted to see me and he kept ignoring my calls, I did it thru text. He never responded to it and we haven’t spoken since.
He has always told me he loves me and was the first to say “love” and “IN love”. He’s told me he wants to marry me one day and have a family. He even said that he wanted to make love and not just have meaningless sex before we were intimate. I love him very much and am starting to regret my decision to break up because of all the stress he was already under. But in the same breath, he didn’t try to stop me.
It has only been a week but I’m not sure if I should be the one to break the NC or if I should wait for him to. Or if I should even do NC at all. I really need your help!
Anna

August 30, 2015 at 7:01 pm

hi my ex broke up with me recently and i was not on social media for couple weeks. However, when I get back on, my ex started texting me. I thought everything was going okay. We had casual conversations for like 2 weeks, but then we stopped talking again. I had plan to hang out, but i didn’t hear from him at all. Yeah so he didn’t text me for one week. Should I follow your No contact rule? Um the problem is his birthday is coming pretty soon. Is it better to say happy birthday! or should I wait and say happy birthday much later on. Idk what to do. I still like him, but i don’t want to break friendship either. I’d like to start slow if it happens.
NC sort of making things worse?

August 30, 2015 at 12:57 pm

So I’ve been trying NC but my ex is in my friend group. I’ll stop talking to him for a week and a half but then I just have to text him asking him a bunch of questions like “are you moving on?” etc. Basically I break down. And he said when I text him it bothers him because hes so annoyed with me he just doesnt want to even look at my face. It seems as if the NC (that’s not the actual 30 full days, but more like week and a half spurts) is actually making him move on from me. He said it himself he is. And I feel like NC is not the solution since while we were broken up I was seeing multiple guys (which is in my past, I dont talk to any others anymore). He always brings these guys up and how he has no trust in me, doesnt care about my feelings anymore, doesnt want to risk getting hurt by me again, and doesnt think we can ever be back together. So I feel like I need to use the time to stick around and prove so much to him. It’s hard to believe 30 full days NC is the solution. I’m scared itll make him fully over me 🙁

NC sort of making things worse?

August 30, 2015 at 1:09 pm

Also, the reason why I’m hesitant for NC for 30 days is because school (university) is about to start. The guys I were seeing go to our school and he’s going to think I’m not speaking to him because I’m seeing them (which is not the case!!!). This is such a sticky situation and I really don’t want to make the wrong move. Things suck when trust is gone 🙁

Rachelle

August 29, 2015 at 3:30 pm

My recent boyfriend of 3 years ended things because of the “distance”. We only live 2 hours by train from one another, so I believe the relationship is doable. He told me he had been feeling a certain way for 6 months and said he wanted someone closer, but also admitted he didn’t want to be in a relationship at all.

I gave him a weeks space, I was so distraught and shocked that this had come out of no where and I believed it wasn’t fair at all. I told him my feelings and how I thought we could start again fresh. We had great plans ahead of us and I was looking forward to doing all of them. He told me how he could understand everything on every level, but was adamant he didn’t want to be together.

He turned nasty and I feel like he doesn’t truly care, like he says he does and he admitted he obviously still loved me. He told me I had been the longest relationship he had had and that made me even more upset than I previously was.

I’ve been reading up on the 30 day no contact rule and I am prepared to give it a go. Do you think it is possible that we could get back together? I asked him the other night and he said “I don’t know” then the next day, told me “I don’t think we will”. I’m scared that in these 30 days, he’s going to forget about me and the good times we had completely. I’m scared that he’s already ready to move onto someone else and ended things between us because he knew he could get this other girl who lives in his area…
Michael

August 29, 2015 at 2:20 pm

Great article, man! Very helpful.
My girlfriend and I decided to take a break after a year of being together. We had problems recently and both hurt each other.
I know that both of us want to fix things, open a new page, and hope we would recover. However, I think that I should use the no-contact time to try and be okay with the option of breakup.
That being said, we have around a month apart, after that we had decided to live together. The plans had been made in advance and I don’t wish to change them, especially since there is a good possibility we’d get back together.
Do you think meeting and talking again would bring the emotions all back and we’d have to make the decision immediately? I feel the tension would be too great otherwise.

Chris Seiter

August 30, 2015 at 4:33 pm

I have a site for men it’s called Ex Girlfriend Recovery. It has articles specifically for men to follow.

You will have to take things very slowly and rebuild attraction.

Lisa B

August 29, 2015 at 12:22 am

Hi, I’ve been dating someone for a very short while and recently he has been ignoring me for a couple days then messaging me again to just ask how I am/how my day was/etc and we could continue to talk all night. It continued like this for about two weeks, until he finally told me that he’s been dating someone else and want to keep it that way (his words). His actions have me confused but I feel like he’s worth getting back, if possible. I’m trying out NC, but I’m not quite sure how to proceed with messaging him afterwards.

Chris Seiter

August 30, 2015 at 4:36 pm

Check out the post on Using Text Messages To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back.

Veronica

August 28, 2015 at 9:21 pm

Hey Chris,
First of all: thank you for this great website! I would really appreciate your advice for my situation. I did no contact for 15 days and I just got a message from my boyfriend wishing me happy birthday. I ended up not thinking about it and replying “Thanks”. I am a bit mad with myself for breaking the no contact rule … I was so ready to make it through the end. Should I start from day one now?
Best,
Veronica

Chris Seiter

September 12, 2015 at 1:10 am

I hate to say it but ya…

sujaina

August 28, 2015 at 9:34 am

My biy friend broke last year .
I started applying NC rule but every 21 days once he will call and text me .From 1 year this is the case i only apply NC rule for 21 days wat to do
Camila

August 27, 2015 at 8:29 pm

Me and my boyfriend have just broken up his reason was that he was having doubts and if he stayed he wouldn’t be completely there and that was not fair to me. We have been dating for 4 years now and in those four years this is our third serious break up. The last one he initiated with the same excuse I used NC but gave in less than a week in but it worked because he wanted to be back together. He is a college athlete so I know that this popularity and social life is getting to him since in high school his parents were so strict that they never let him go out. He went through the same thing the last break up where he started changing into his douche, different woman every night friends. Though he swear he has never done anything with anyone through the course of the relationship I am sure he has thought about it. When he broke up with me he was crying and I was mentally prepared for it so I did not shed a tear though I was dying inside. When I told him it was ok and that he could leave my apartment he seemed to think of any reason to stay, but then he finally left. Chris I am not sure how to handle it, we go to the same college and sometimes i find myself walking around campus just to run into him. I was to do NC for the full 30 days but his birthday is next month and I would really at least like a chance to see him that day and I had already saved up for his present. I just need advice on how to handle the NC and if I shorten it.

Chris Seiter

September 2, 2015 at 3:10 am

I always recommend not seeing the ex on his bday unless you are back together.
Camila

August 27, 2015 at 8:32 pm

Also why would he initiate a break up if he was hurting so bad when he was going through with it. Is that a guy thing, were those fake tears? Im confused and really holding on to the hope that he did not really want this and he just took the easy way out. Also his mom is super protective and does not like that Im taking his only child away so she would on the daily talk negatively about our relationship which i also think contributed to the break up

Emmygirl2343

August 27, 2015 at 2:10 am

I have tired, I am 16 and last night I was on here about 20 minutes after I was done he called me saying he wanted me back but I was hurt when he told me he was lying when he said he loved me.. I told him to never call me again but I said that the other night but he called me still…. What do I do if he calls me tonight. I want to talk to him so bad but I want him to go though the pain I didn’t when he told me he didn’t really love me… I’m heartbroken and my best friend is trying to date him. (which I still like him) I need help please anyone?
Setzer

August 26, 2015 at 8:46 am

Hi Chris. I am a bi-sexual male and I found your website after my boyfriend broke up with me. This was an online only relationship, but we talk on the phone and video Skype and it lasted 18 months. Anyway it has been nearly 2 months since she broke up with me and I took your advice and used the no contact rule. Just for a little longer since I thought her birthday would be the perfect time to contact her (He’s transsexual and prefers that pronoun and i’m use to it now).

During the no contact she made no attempt to talk to me, unfortunately. But lucky cause I doubt I would have resisted.

Anyway Yesterday I simply texted her a happy birthday and showed her a picture of one of her favourite anime, that I found in the video library, that in the first 3 months we had fantasized about watching it together with her head on my lap and all that mushy stuff.

The responded with simply ‘Thank you, That’s cool :).’ and I just left it at that. My plan was just to wait until a week after her birthday to bother her with talk of getting back together. But he asked 4 hours later ‘How am I doing?’ and I simply told her about my day and we chatted and chatted by text all day, must have been like 8 hours straight.

The other thing that confuses me is that she still calls me ‘daddy’ which I thought was just what she was liked calling me as her boyfriend. She was using it after we broke up for the breif time I kept talking to her and out of anger told her to stop calling me ‘daddy’ if we arn’t partners anymore.

But now during our long catch up chat she is and I’m not telling her to stop.

So now at this point I’m wondering if you have advice on where to go from here? Is there another article for part 2 after no contact has us talking again? and why is she still using her pet name for me?
Megan

August 26, 2015 at 3:22 am

Hi Chris,

I’ve been implementing the no contact rule for 13 days so far, and I feel like I’ve been doing really well. I’ve been working out, doing things I like, going out and generally just trying to be happy in my own skin again. Today my ex messaged me and was asking about the name of an aquaintence we met, and he even referenced a time we went out together. I didn’t respond for a long time, but he was aggressive about it, so I simply told him I was out and that I would get back to him about his question. Two hours later, I told him I didn’t know the name of the aquaintences, and he opened up with a big conversation about how she added him to Facebook and how he thought her name was something else, and I simply said, “Well, there you go! Have a good night!”

He said he was trying to talk like normal people, but let me go, and then proceeded to compliment me on my weight loss journey (he’s been following me on Facebook). I simply said, “Thanks!” He then tried making a joke, and was worried it didn’t make sense, so I finished off with, “I got it ;P haha”. All of my interactions were light and friendly and I didn’t reply to any messages too soon.

Should I restart my NC period? I feel like I don’t need to, as I feel fairly good about myself and messaging him hasn’t been a thought and I’ve been focused on myself and overall just getting better. I’m wondering if I can do only 21 days as opposed to the full 30, as well.

So far, I feel very positive in my Get My Ex back campaign. Thanks for your guidance.
Jen

August 26, 2015 at 2:41 am

I can definitely not contact him. But I have a unique situation. He is a bartender at the bar my friends and I frequent. I have gone there every weekend for years. While I do have plans for the next couple weekends to keep me away, this upcoming weekend, my friends are all going out to the same bar. Is it possible to maintain the no contact rule while going to his bar? He keeps busy, so I know I will not be talking to him. I just don’t want to sit at home all weekend.

Chris Seiter

August 26, 2015 at 2:53 pm

You can do what you want but it’s best not to go to the bar he works at.

Berna

August 25, 2015 at 11:23 am

Hi Chris. I’ve read the whole No Contact Rule and I really need your help. Well this past week had been hell. My ex and I broke up just 2 days ago because of me having trust issues. That didn’t come out of nowhere though. My ex and I have been together for 4 years now and it was a very serious relationship. In the 2nd year of our relationship, we broke up because he cheated on me, emotionally. He said he did it because I was very controlling and he wanted his freedom. He flirted with “that” girl and told me he liked the feeling of being free. After 2 days, he went back to me because he said that he realized he wasn’t happy without having me in his life. So we got back together, and our relationship and our bond became stronger. He never did anything unfaithful but I was the one who would nag him about another girl because of my insecurities.We were really planning our future out and that breaking up wasn’t supposed to be an option for quick fix when we came across an obstacle. We were always running into obstacles and always overcome them all. But the past week, had been very emotional for me. 6 days ago, I insisted on breaking up with him because I didn’t feel comfortable with him hanging out with another girl (not only 2 of them though, but with a friend) because of him cheating on me before that I could not let go of. He claimed that she replaced one of their guy friends because the friend wasn’t making time for them to hangout anymore, but I was still afraid. This was the first time again seeing him cry ever since he had to leave for basic training, so I knew he was very devastated. That same night we got back together because I knew I made a mistake and was not ready to let him out of my life. I told him that I would try to be comfortable with the girl him and his friend added to the group, but after just 2 days I gave up. I told him that I wasn’t comfortable with it no matter what he said. It was as if he was trying to again convince me there was nothing between them but I was the stupid one and kept insisting that I didn’t like the idea. He then gave up on me and told me that he didn’t wanna continue anymore because I will never change me being jealous and will never be comfortable with it. I regret it so much now that I think of all of it. I feel like the stupidest person ever. This break up all happened through text because I wasn’t in town. I started begging him and crying to him to make it work again but he said he’s made up his mind already. He told me that he still loves me but he can’t continue anymore with the trust issues. He told me that we needed to look at this breakup/relationship as a learning experience and that he didn’t have tears left to cry anymore. Before we ended the call he told me that he was sorry I wasn’t the one…This breaks my heart every time I remember him saying this… We haven’t talked since we broke up. I blocked him from my social media acct. and my phone. He has my sister’s phone but he hasn’t reached out to her as well. What I really want is for him to come over to my house and ask me to take him back again or at least come over to want to talk to me again… That was the whole reason why I blocked him and told my sister and friends to not reply to his message if it’s about me. I didn’t want him to just text me. It was bad enough he broke up with me through the phone. I’m thinking of trying this 30 day of NC… Do you think he’ll come back?

Megan

August 29, 2015 at 1:24 pm

I feel like if you do NC and work on yourself, he will; work on your trust issues, work on your confidence, work on being happy in your own skin and be that girl he fell in love with again. I would give it time. It’s only been a few days, and I know a few days after my break up, I was just as devastated. Use the tactics outlined on this site and if you can, get the book. There’s actually a lot of good info on there.
The 30 day contact period if for you to heal. And under NO circumstances can you talk to him at all. Even if he reaches out to you. If you have an iPhone, go into your settings, click on your Message options, and turn off the “Send Read Receipts”. As soon as you look at their message, it will tell you what time you read it. So if he does message you during no contact, and you are able to read it, he won’t know. And whatever you do, DON’T reply. Not for 30 days.
Chris Seiter

August 30, 2015 at 3:42 pm

Great advice Megan!

Nae

August 25, 2015 at 7:11 am

Last August 18, I received a message from my BF that He want to break up with me. By August 19, I decide to visit to his place and talk what happened, that day I convince him to give it a try. August 20, he just send me 2 messages, so I felt hurt because he change, that night I decide to end everything because I don’t want to be unfair to him. August 21 we didn’t send msgs to each other. August 22 No msgs again, that night I visit him to his place, when he saw me he pushing me away but I didn’t leave that night, we have chances to talk, he really want to let me go. He told me that He don’t love me anymore. Early morning of August 23, I left him. He didn’t send me home, He just send me msg to move on and just wait until He come to my place, but He are not sure if that they will come. August 24, He didn’t reply to any of my msgs, I try to contact him but cannot be reach. A NC rule is it possible to make it right now? Please help me..

Chris Seiter

August 25, 2015 at 4:23 pm

Yes No contact for 30 days.

Lora

August 25, 2015 at 6:04 am

Hey Chris, I’ve been wondering about the no cantact rule . What if he insists on texting because he’s worried or he wanted to see me ? The thing is I’m being through a rough time and he knows that. He tries his best to act as friend to me to help through but it hurts me that he cares a lot but keeps saying that his heart is broken because of me . When I started the no contact rule in the next day he texted me . I didn’t reply. I thought if I asked him out to figure things between us he might respond to me as he did actually ask me out to work things out between us but we were busy a lot . What do you think should I ask him out or wait until I finish the no contact?

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6,801 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”