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6,801 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

  1. Yali

    January 3, 2020 at 10:56 am

    Hi Chris ,

    My boyfriend just broke up with me a week ago. It was not a good breakup. We have been together for a little over a year. For the past couple of months we have been struggling and having many arguments and fighting. He is divorced with one child. He is 40 I’m 36. Throughout the relationship I was the one who would usually initiate contact or get together, he is very passive and would always joke and say “you’re the dominant person in this relationship”…
    We were doing amazing until a couple of months ago. I never thought he would be the one to initiate the break up, but he did. He was cold and nasty during the conversation, and it came after a stupid fight we had … I was begging and pleading for a few days but he went silent on me for a week. After that I asked him to talk, we met up he said it’s over and that was that (only gave me 45 minutes because he is emotionally incapable of dealing with these situations). I needed more closure, so i asked to end the conversation on a positive note and meet up again , which he said we would … we then texted a day later he promised we would meet the next evening but never reached out.
    I am disappointed and hurt and feel like my heart has been torn apart … moreover I feel like he completely disregarded me and doesn’t seem to care about me at all… he is a bit of a narcissistic so that is something important to consider while trying to understand our story …
    He really damaged me. I feel like he is emotionally abusing me , and there is nothing I can say or do to make him realize how big of a mistake this is … he always said that he would never leave me and that I was his best friend, his rock etc… so I’m not sure what made him completely change his mind. It’s like I don’t matter at all! Why does it seem like he has easily moved on, without even caring or wanting to be there with each other ? I miss him. I miss our good times. And all I really want is for him to show some sort of emotion, or care towards me. I need him to see me. I need to know he cares.
    I feel that no contact wouldn’t really make him contact me because normally he was not good at contacting … what do you suggest? Help!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 5, 2020 at 12:31 am

      Hey there, so no contact is not about making him reach out to you, its about giving the situation space time to calm and you time to cultivate an image of yourself that your ex does not see you as right now. At this point in time they do not want to be with you, but if you work on yourself and become the ungettable girl. Your ex is going to see this through social media and then start to question if they really knew you.

  2. Tina

    December 25, 2019 at 11:11 am

    Hi,
    My ex and I separated 4 weeks ago.
    Things were going well and we were together almost 6 months. He has severe trust issues from 2 previous relationships. The last time I saw him he was convinced I was looking at another man while were out together. I most certainly didn’t. He txt me later that day saying he was upset with me for flirting. I tried talking with him about it and then he blocked my phone number. I have since messaged him on messenger and got no reply. I haven’t technically tried no contact. I tried calling yesterday as it was his birthday and noticed I was unblocked so I left a happy birthday message. He called me back to my surprise. I wished him a happy birthday and we spoke briefly, but I was out and couldn’t really talk. I tried calling back today and I’m blocked again. I stupidly messaged again and now I’m regretting it.
    What should I do? Is it too late to try no contact? I really like him.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 29, 2019 at 7:01 pm

      Hi Tina, so you need to actually start your no contact and not reach out to him at all. Ideally you would have not reached out on his birthday so that he would wonder why you didnt call him. If he is insecure the only thing you need to remember is not to try and make him jealous through social media seeing you with other guys. You need to just work on yourself and spend time with friends while you are trying to get him back.

  3. Hanie

    December 21, 2019 at 8:31 am

    Goodday
    I need some advice
    We broke up we are in a long distance relationship.he initiate the break up it is because he wants me to grow.. I beg to fix our relationship but he refuse he said that he doesnt love me but its so confusing.. Everytime I asked him if he really want to end the relationship he doesnt answer directly. He s so angry and I dont know what his point he keep pushing me away. He keep telling he dont want to see me anaymore (weve never see each other) our relationship is 1 yr and 3 months. We decided to see each other this february but we broke up.. Is NC is the right thiNg to do? Im thinking about meeting him nxt year february to talk it personally

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 21, 2019 at 11:08 pm

      Hi Hanie yes no contact is the right thing to do

  4. Lily Mate

    December 16, 2019 at 4:20 am

    Hello! I really need your help. My boyfriend for 4 years broke up with me. We argued about something, then we didn’t talk or see each other for a week. Then i called him and said he wanted some space and gave him that. After some time, we talked and agreed to take care of ourselves muna. He said that asking for space doesn’t mean na he doesn’t love me anymore, he loves me he said but he just needs this time alone. He even said that he’ll come back and court me again. He said that he loves me so much but we just need to settle independently. 2 days after we talked, i checked his instagram saw that our pictures were gone, he said that the pictures will still be back, until i become a drama queen and he started to be irritated. When i ask again if he still loves me, he said, “i don’t know”. Until that “i don’t know” became “i feel nothing”. Should i implement the no contact rule? Will he miss me? Because i can feel his hatred and anger towards me. He’s so cold when i talked to him. Does he really don’t love me anymore?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 19, 2019 at 9:48 pm

      Hi Lily if you feel that he is angry with you then you most definitely need to go into a no contact and work on yourself for a minimum of 30 days

  5. Anonymous

    December 13, 2019 at 11:51 am

    Hi Chris and Shaunna!

    I broke up with my boyfriend after 1,5 years of dating long distance. I was an exchange student and we met during that time, and a month before I left we started dating. We were very happy in our relationship and have shared so many good times. We have visited each other about every three months and during the times we have been away from each other we facetime regurarly and text everyday. We fight quite a bit though, and for about a year all these fights have been about me feeling like he does not give me as much as i give him. I text him and call him way more than he does, I give him more thoughtful gifts, shares things that makes me think of him, has given him “open when” letters that i spent months making, sends him videos, memes, articles and pictures. He replies to all of this and is sweet always, but he just doesnt give anything back. I express my love way more, and this has been an issue for so long, I have tried to make him do these things for me, I have given him examples of what to do, sent him articles with advice on how to express love, we have figured out our love languages and I have begged him to just buy me flowers. But he wont. Even though he says he wishes he could and that he loves me very much. So I gave up, I broke up with him, even though all I want is to be with him, I just cant be the only one to show love. And i have said and tried everything. When we were talking about breaking up it was practically me begging him to beg me to stay. Now I told him that we shouldnt talk until a week or two before I have a booked trip to come out there and we will see how things are then. Its two months away today. So we are doing the no contact rule, the problem is that he is too so he probably wont contact me. How do I make him miss me and want to do everything to get me back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 15, 2019 at 10:17 pm

      Hi there, so starting with no contact and allowing there to be some time to miss each other and allow that space to take the time to cultivate a different image to your ex

  6. Tonia

    December 13, 2019 at 6:19 am

    Hey there! Sorry this will be a long post but I could really use some help now please please bear with me!

    I have been seeing this guy for 2 years on and off, he said he doesn’t want a serious relationship about 2 months in cause I was quite intense with expectations

    We still remained exclusive just never put a title on it, we were still going out doing couple things, we had fights here and there then broke up in December

    We remained contact from December till March and all of the sudden he blocked me in March after dropping off my stuff at the gate. I figured he started seeing other people.

    I sticked to the 60 NC rule and sent his stuff to his work after with a note says call me

    We then got back into contact and got back together, started getting super close spending every weekend together etc. after 3 months of getting back in contact

    I asked him if we were dating and he said he just loves how things are right now we shouldn’t title it.

    I wasn’t impressed but I thought give it another few months this will change because of how close we were getting (this was only 2 months after we reconnected the exclusive partnership officially)

    Things started going downhill not even 2 weeks after i asked him the above, when he found out I still have an active dating profile, he said we were getting too close and things like this started hurting him this isn’t what he needs in life. We agreed on taking a step back I know he also got a dating profile. We stopped hanging out over weekends he was keep saying he s busy or tired. In 2 month we only saw each other 3 times he was keep on canceling plans.

    He was gonna come see me on Wednesday last week and canceled last minute, I had a few words with him. We then only spoke on Saturday I asked to see him.

    He said he doesn’t know what to do to make it work, we ve tried everything but he just really doesn’t want a relationship with me. if opportunity comes he will still go for other people so he doesn’t want me to wait for him. He said he is talking to someone and see where it goes.

    Christmas is around the corner then immediately is his birthday. Do I follow the no contact rule again? Last time was 2 whole months and this time I don’t even know if it can work again. Help!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 15, 2019 at 10:01 pm

      Hi Tonia, so you need to follow the no contact again but you do not need to go over 30 days and when that is over you need to reach out with a text that is going to get him interested in talking to you like Chris suggests. Not mentioning the past or the relationship. Also making sure that the conversation is short, friendly, positive and you end the conversation first not him

  7. Causeup

    December 11, 2019 at 5:07 am

    This is a refreshing information for us who are doing NC… but i have a concern regarding my situation. I am on 12th day NC (yep, i kinda attempted reconciling and pleading before i decided NC after a break up a month ago)
    I just learned my ex is even angrier at me cause my mom secretly contacted him to ask what caused our break up. Worse, she told him he only added to my problems in life for breaking up with me. She did this like a week ago without my knowledge and i just learned about it the other night through a friend whom my ex recently talked to. My question is, should i reach him to apologize for what my mom did? Thank you so much for your reply 🙂

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 14, 2019 at 11:28 pm

      Hey there, do not reach out to him regarding this stick with your no contact and do not reach out. Also avoid talking to friends about him too just so that you are not getting information back to him that you are talking about him. Tell your friends how amazing you are doing, do fun things with them show you are happy and doing well. Let that information get back to him

  8. Samantha

    December 8, 2019 at 11:18 pm

    Hi so me and my ex Dated for almost 2 years (we are both 18) and have been broken up for a month and I’ve begged for him back a lot, we’ve had casual conversations, and I’ve slept with him twice. He says he still wants to be friends because he says it’s hard to let go, but he broke up with me because he doesn’t want to commit, he got bored, and he wants to be intimate with other girls to face his fears with social anxiety. He cheated on me with a girl he knew for one week and he said he liked the rush, but the girl dumped him and now he feels like a loser and says he wants to work on himself first and that he might get back with me or not. I told him that I will only be around if he wants to build up on the relationship but he said he’s not gonna change his mind. I just want to know if the no contact rule will work on him or not. Is it too late?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 9, 2019 at 5:58 pm

      Hi Samantha, so as much as I know you want him back you need to make it very clear you are not willing to sit on the sidelines waiting for him to decide if he wants you or not! No Contact him, and make sure you are being social with your friends and having fun. Do not answer any messages from him or try to make him feel better while he is feeling like a loser. He needs to work on himself which is far, but his excuse of wanting to be with other girls because of his social anxiety is B.S!

      You need to casually go on dates and I do suggest widening your circle so that you are meeting with other guys who are not mutual friends or from your school/area. You need to date casually so that you can see how different guys treat you! As the way he is treating you is immature, selfish and disrespectful.

  9. Emily

    December 8, 2019 at 8:09 pm

    Hi Chris!

    Thank you for the advice. But I am not sure if this will work in my situation because it’s kind of complicated. We broke up 3 months ago on good terms. We both loved each other at the time. We were friends after breaking up and we continued to talk. I became very depressed and would often call and text him. He became worried about me and was willing to talk to me for a while. But soon, he started to get annoyed and started to push me away. I stopped calling him since then. We’d still talk on a regular basis because it was inevitable for us to not see each other but we grew distant. About a week ago, he told me that he has a new thing with another girl. And he told me that he no longer loved me anymore because I changed into a completely different person. I was a confident and independent person but turned into a sad and depressed person after breaking up. I took this criticism and decided to change myself because I realized that he was right. It’s been a week since I stopped texting, calling, or initiating a conversation with him. And it’s been a week since I started showing my positive self again. I put on a healthy mindset and ever since then I’ve been enjoying life. But this occurred after 3 months of breaking up and he already moved on to a new girl. I want him to come back to me because I still love him. Will these strategies work even in my circumstances?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 8, 2019 at 11:27 pm

      Hi Emily, so you have got the right idea, however one week is not long enough to prove changes you need to stick to it for 30 days where you show how you’re happy and living your life through posts on social media but doing a no contact of 45 days to your ex as you need to let him and the new person pass the honeymoon phase and gives you enough time to work through the depression emotions you are feeling right now

  10. Lucy

    December 7, 2019 at 10:57 pm

    Hi Chris,
    If my ex blocked me, where is the starting point set?… If I’m not mistaken, this situation is not considered to be of ‘no contact rule’, right?. Without this ’30 or so’ days step, I see it quite impossible to have a chance and also
    to know if he will ever unblock me…

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 8, 2019 at 10:58 pm

      Hi Lucy, exes tend to unblock you eventually, but are you blocked everywhere? If you are only having a soft block then you can reach out using a different method of communication

  11. Ivy

    November 28, 2019 at 7:11 am

    Hi Chris!
    My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months. 2 months ago he suddenly told me he wanted to break up by texts, because he was really tired and believed that we’re not compatible. He felt like both of us have been trying too hard in the relationship and recently he thought that it’s not a good idea to continue anymore. He said that he didn’t love me that much now and it’s impossible to improve our relationship. However, I didn’t think we’re incompatible and I was enjoying every moment since we started dating. It’s my first time to know that he’s upset with me. Throughout the months we have never had a fight or so, just a week before he told me he wanted some time to deal with his schoolwork as it’s his final year in college. He insisted the breakup and said he no longer wanna see me again. I begged him for giving us a cooling off period for a month. He agreed but saying that he didn’t want to hurt me again a month later. We stopped communicating for a month, and he started ghosting me after the cooling off period while showing sadness through Instagram. He would respond to a few texts unrelated to the relationship, but not responding any of my questions whether or not he still needs some time to think. I asked his friend last week to see if he knew what my boyfriend was thinking, and my boyfriend texted me and said he didn’t want to be my boyfriend anymore. He also said that he even didn’t want to see me again and begged me not to contact him and his friend anymore. I then agreed with the breakup, apologised, thanked him and wished him all the best. He just replied thank you.
    It’s the 8th day since the official breakup and we didn’t communicate since that. He didn’t even say happy birthday to me a few days ago. I am curious whether the no contact can be worked as we haven’t been talking in the one-month cooling off period, though after that I sent him some long paragraphs. It will be his birthday 30 days after the breakup. I’m no longer emotional to the breakup and ready to talk to him, but seems like he’s not quite ready for it now. What should I do?
    Thank you.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 1, 2019 at 9:17 pm

      Hi Ivy, so I think you need to give it some more time (45 days) just because of the length of time you were asking him about how he was feeling about you both and almost begging him to get back with you. You need to give him some real space and silence from you where you do not speak at all, do not reach out to each other. You do not reach out on his birthday either. You need to shock him by not reaching out as he will be surprised you did not wish him a happy birthday. And in that time you need to be doing the work that comes into doing a No Contact, that involves the Holy Trinity and Ungettable Girl all the information is on this website so make sure you are reading all the information to help yourself become the best version of you

  12. Nelly

    November 27, 2019 at 6:43 pm

    I started dating a guy, things were going really well except occasionally he wouldn’t respond to my texts for hours or sometimes half a day. One night I got drunk and got in my feelings and told him all the things he did that I didn’t like. I came off super needy and insecure. But I wanted to let him know how I was feeling and show my vulnerable side. I think I just screwed up because I was drunk and a turn off to him. The next morning we had plans to see each other but he didn’t answer my phone calls or any of my texts. That day I was super sad and stayed in bed all day calling and texting him. I ended up sending him a message thanking him for being a motivating force helping me leave the previous toxic relationship I was in with a heart emoji. He finally text me back that eve so o called him and we spoke. It was an awkward conversation but he mentioned us going out/hanging out again and for me to text him. Three days have gone by and neither one of us have reached out. I broke down this morning and called him and he didn’t answer. I need advice! I miss him! It’s only been maybe two months but I was totally smitten. He lives super close to my job and I actually think he’s considering moving into the same building that I work out of. Help!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 30, 2019 at 10:56 pm

      Hey Nelly so you need to reign it in a little where you are coming off as desperate and “full on” as its only been two months you are still so new and you need to show him you are not going to throw yourself at him. Coming out of a toxic relationship is going to be hard and emotionally you are going to be craving the good feelings someone new is going to give you. But the more reserved you are and the more chance you give him to come to you (allowing him to chase you) the better the outcome. If he moves into your building then it does mean you may see him more but, you need to appear professional and not behave like this when you are working.

  13. Linn

    November 24, 2019 at 12:12 am

    Thank you for the reply. Just a follow-up question….
    What to do, when 30 or 45 og even longer time has passed, and even though all you want is to get back together, but not quite yet? What I`m asking is; what to do if you`re not ready to reach out, even though the period of NC is basically over, he hasn`t reached out and you know you “should” (you just, still, aren`t ready emotionally/not strong enough yet)….? What then…? I`ve heard stories about expanded NC, and still working for the good…

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 24, 2019 at 12:19 am

      You can extend NC but do not pass the 66 day mark if you can help it

  14. Linn

    November 18, 2019 at 5:47 pm

    Hey, it`s been 4 weeks since we broke up. He was the one initiating the break up, but cried his heart out when doing so, telling me he was hoping we would reconnect in the future.
    But time passes, I started NC at once, never broke it, have even stayed away and aware of places we`d might see eachother, so I haven`t even seen him. (We live close to eachother).
    I`m SO curios of what he might be thinking/feeling.
    What if he just doesn`t contact me again? Maybe he just wont reach out?
    I really don`t want to be the one reaching out to him….is that a bad thing? Do I have to?
    I hope he`ll reach out, but I think he feels embarrased and guilty beacuse of breaking up with be (he couldn`t have done it at a worse period of time in my life….Going through a crisis, and he breaks up as well??! Idiot ;))
    What to do if he doesn`t reach out?Is it all over, then….? I know he still loves me (dating 2 years).

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 23, 2019 at 1:19 pm

      Hi Linn, so well done you on completing the No Contact and consciously avoiding seeing him around. Now the fact you want him back and he isnt reaching out to you, it is your change to reach out to him. Even though you dont want to be the one to reach out first this can be a simple text to break the ice in starting a conversation again and opening up the window to re attract him. IF you do not reach out then he may be waiting for you to do the same. The process follows a system that means you have control through out the steps so that you are prepared for each stage. Read up on what Chris suggests as a first text after NC is completed and tailor it to your ex. Good Luck

  15. Erica

    October 26, 2019 at 4:06 pm

    Hi guys, It’s been 1 week since we stopped talking each other. We had a lot of fights and arguments (I’m the one who picked fights all the time) because he was texting and seeing me less and less, I was the one initiate contacts all the time and was tired of it. I didn’t feel loved, wanted or appreciated. He was still affectionate when he came to see me but I wanted him to text and make time for me more like he used to but he didn’t even I’ve told him many times to do so. His behavior killed me slowly. Finally It reached my limits, and I was breaking up with him on the phone and could tell he somehow didn’t want to break up but I kept saying we’re done because you never change, never make time for me, I’ll find someone nice etc.. and he said ok and hang up the phone. Right after he hang up, I called, messaged, WhatsApp him many times but he totally ignored me since then. I stopped all the contact since the day we broke up. I haven’t hear from him at all since this call.
    Honestly I didn’t wanna break up with him but didn’t know what to do. I was stupid to break up with him to change his mind and behavior towards me but failed. Maybe he was ok with losing me and he was mad at me and didn’t wanna talk or see me anymore.

    This is not first time we became like this and he broke up with me last time and I did NC and he messaged me on day6 but I’m the one who breaking up with him this time.. I’m doing NC since then and didn’t wanna contact him myself because I want him to treat me like he used to and I don’t want same things to happen anymore.
    But I don’t know whether I should stick to NC or not even I was the one who breaking up but he ignore me since then and I want him to chase me again..I’ve been crying and regret what I did and said to him…

    sorry for my English and appreciate if you could advice me

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 27, 2019 at 7:31 pm

      Hi Erica, it is needed to do a No Contact because you need some space from the negative feelings you’ve both got going on right now you can rebuild your connection with him and work up the value chain to get to a point where you’re dating again

  16. Bianca

    October 21, 2019 at 8:58 pm

    I was dating a guy for 4 months and he broke up out of the blue. He has depression and takes drugs sometimes (that’s what he says). He broke up with me 3 months ago and last week he messaged me saying he misses me and was thinking a lot about me. We had a dinner and I ended up sleeping with him and after two days he got cold when I asked him about his feelings or if he wanted to get back. He said he would think and I haven’t heard from him since then. I know he’s in dating apps and probably going on dates. Is there any chance that I can get him back considering that it was a short-term relationship? Would the no-contact work in this case?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 21, 2019 at 9:00 pm

      Hi Bianca, yes 30 day NC and make sure you post to social media showing youre beingsocial with friends and living your life

  17. Rudra

    October 14, 2019 at 3:13 am

    I did NC for 45 days and then tried to reach out to my ex, basically mailing her that I have worked on myself and that I hope to hear from her. But she still isn’t responding to my texts and leaves me on seen. I feel like I embarrased again by contacting her. I don’t know what to do? Should I start NC again or give up on her? I really want this to work.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 15, 2019 at 7:44 pm

      Hi Rudra, so if you want your ex back then YES start your NC

  18. Shy

    October 7, 2019 at 9:30 pm

    My boyfriend and I dated for a year and we instantly hung out EVERYDAY. We have an amazing bond and great memories yet, about 2 months ago we fought a lot and he seemed distant. Yet he said he wanted me and loved me. 2 weeks ago we broke up, he said he was confused. His friends get in his head and he’s been very hot and cold. I did the NC rule for 3 days he texted me day 3 saying he missed me and wanted to see me. We had lunch and I slept over and next day he was back to confused but missed me and wanted things to work. I became a FULL ON GNAT. I embarrassed myself so bad… Will the NC rule work again for me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 9, 2019 at 10:21 pm

      Hi Shy, yes as long as you stick with it fully this time and work on your emotional control

  19. G. Miracle

    October 1, 2019 at 11:42 am

    Hi,
    I initiated the break up on the 21st of July, which was around 2 months plus ago. I gave the reason because we’ll be going into long distance and I didn’t want to have a huge fight and break up during our LDR, so we can still be friends if we broke up now (I was insecure and thought too much). I’ve regretted it ever since and tried all ways to get him back but he rejected me through text, calls and even face to face in real life, saying “I don’t see us being together anymore. Don’t do this anymore. When you broke up with me, I was hurt and I’ve lost all my feelings for you.” I’m now in the NC for the 9th day. What should I do? Do I still stand a chance? We broke up once last year, but it was caused by a small fight. We’ve been together for 1.5years.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 1, 2019 at 8:17 pm

      Hi G, complete a 30 day NC and then when you’re done DO NOT ASK HIM BACK! This is skipping the value chain completely and also why you’re failing to get him back. Read through some of Chris’ articles and even his YouTube channel its full of information about how to reach out to your ex after a breakup and No Contact

  20. Louise

    September 19, 2019 at 7:41 pm

    Hi,

    I know your stand is to make contact if he hasn’t contact you during NC…Is this still the case if you have usually been the one to initiate contact after disagreements etc in the past? Almost three weeks into NC and dealing with a very stubborn guy!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 21, 2019 at 2:48 pm

      Hey Louise, yes still reach out but you need to make sure your first text has great hook, get him curious enough to reply and then make sure its on topic to his interests. Good Luck

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