The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,801 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Elizabeth

June 15, 2019 at 3:44 am

Hi Chris,
My boyfriend and I broke up six days ago and I haven’t contacted him since then. We dated for four months and our breakup was relatively mutual. We have broken up before where I wanted to breakup that time. This time he had been upset that the week prior I had been busy moving in my family to a new house and I didn’t have much time or energy to call him during those days or nights which were apparently really rough for him at work. He said he felt like I wasn’t there for him at a very low point. I didn’t know this because he never told me and we got heated about it. This triggered our breakup conversation on the phone (He is in another state) but during it he was very remorseful and sympathetic saying things like “I’m just not sure what to do” and “You know I care about you, this just isn’t the right relationship”. He also revealed that while he was really upset from me not responding, he had been feeling this way for a while. I was upset but I agreed that we seemed to be wanting different things. He said he wanted to be friends and he will probably call me sometime the next week. These past few days have been really upsetting for me. I feel like I could have done more to continue the conversation and make things work but he was somehow beyond that point. His mind was made up but he was hesitant in using the word breakup. We ended on good terms. Even though I was crying on the phone we were still laughing and trying to make light of the situation, but I still hold a lot of regret for the situation. We are really close friends and considering our circumstances I was curious if NC is the way to go? I want to reach out and work things out to try and make the relationship right again, but he also assumed I was going to cut off contact with him because I did that the last breakup time to heal. I’m confused on what to do and I could really use your advice.

Thank you!
Chris Seiter

June 10, 2019 at 1:12 pm

If you still feel lost, then it seems to me you need some more time for healing. Just let him know that
Michelle

June 8, 2019 at 7:10 pm

Hi Chris.. i broke up with him two months ago .. the first two weeks I contacted him 3 times because i regret it .. didn’t beg .. but i was angry because he never replied.. i ended up saying things i didn’t want to.. i stop contacting him.. two weeks later he called me drunk but the next day he regretted it and two weeks later the same thing.. i asked him to meet me and talk about the relationship but he was angry with me ‍♀️ so i started no contact its been 30 days… no word from him..i only know i am in his whatsapp contacts again jaja i don’t know what to do or expect
Mariah Harkin

June 4, 2019 at 3:40 pm

I am at a complete loss. The situation is very complicated and a long story. Basically we dated in 10th grade and I left him because well I was 15 and he never told me how much he loved me nor did he fight for me. We reconnected last year like nothing ever happened except during that time I was in a long term relationship and had a child and ended up leaving my abusive relationship. We dated for 11 months and he battled addiction and was literally alone the entire time. Most of that time we had been apart he had his own issues but he quit everything when we re connected and he’s been battling depression and I believe some sort of bipolar disorder. Everything was perfect, we moved in together with my son, he loved him we were inseparable, what seemed to be perfect until about February I’d say, he was up and down and very flip floppy and moody. Than it got worse and worse and he threatened break ups and he was VERY jealous the entire relationship, I blocked every guy that tried to text me and had location services on. I was fine with all of it, I wanted to make him feel secure and loved, than he just out of the blue told me to leave and it was on and off for a few months because he’d change his mind and tell me different excuses of why he needed to break up with me, it was never my fault he said but he pushed me away multiple times. Than finally he became very serious about needing to break up and agreed to go see a counselor to work on himself and us. I left monday the 20th of May after he convinced me to turn down a job to stay at home and helped me get a vehicle even. We hung out and talked everyday than suddenly Thursday changed his mind, he blocked me on social media. I went to his house and we made up and things were great, he had his second counseling session that evening and I helped around his house while he did it (he had been drinking when I got there). Around a few hours later he blew up and told me to leave after planning our weekend and blocked me again and I have not heard from him since. He said he’s devistated because my old landlord snapped me and he literally made it sound like I cheated on him and I was disgusting and he couldn’t handle the stress of guys wanting me. The only thing I could do was leave him voice messages everyday letting him know I am here for him and I showed up at the house which didn’t go well. I’ve started the no contact rule as of 2 days ago. And let me tell you, this guy was obsessed with me, loved me for years, never had a relationship between us for 10 years and now he has completely pushed me away to the point I can’t even contact him. I’m worried about doing the no contact rule because of his racing thoughts, jealousy, stubbornness and of course his depression and illnesses. Will it push him further away? Part of me convinces myself that it’s the illness but another part of me believes that he is doing this to possibly get back at me for leaving him 10 years ago and he’s still living in the past. Or possibly just he needs space and time to work on himself before seeing me again. I don’t know but the blocking is completely childish and is going to destroy us and he won’t listen to me. I leave him multiple voicemails a day and try to go to our old house to talk but from experience I know every time he sees me he falls in love with me again and regrets breaking up than gets sad all over again. I pray he continues to get help and maybe we can be together again but is there hope? Should I just leave him alone altogether even though I know he doesn’t truly want me to? Or should I stop until he reaches out to me? I am literally going insane over this.

Chris Seiter

June 4, 2019 at 3:58 pm

Hi Mariah…that is quite some story and I can see that you have been thru a lot. Sometimes the best solution is for both parties to have some considerable space and time. And you are right, blocking is often an immature move. So yes, there is hope and its best to have a solid ex recovery plan. Take a look at my Program as I talk about how to utilize No Contact to help yourself on the recovery end as well as give both parties a chance to start again in the future.

CS

May 31, 2019 at 11:49 am

Dear Chris,
Thanks a lot for your guidance, but WHY? why do we have to do this? tell me, Why we work hard to get some inconsiderate jerk, who doesn’t care! What is our fault that we get left and the guy doesn’t bother, doesn’t for once show that we mean something, no matter how many mistakes, no matter how much distance exist?? we get asked for space, or break, breakup or time-out, and no consideration at all. I am tired, I am so tired, or trying to fix things, why do we have to take steps, what are they doing? Just having some thought about why I have messaged in a while? What are they doing? It is just about having thoughts or feelings, it is about your actions, what you do if you love someone. Why do we have to try to work by this stupid 30 day NC? I have done a lot, and I am tired of everything. If they do not love, no matter what you do, force them, beg them, even do NC, they will not come. I am tired of hoping every day and praying. BTW I am on my 22nd NC day, and I have no result yet. Sure he would be wondering right, or angry, or pissed and sad. But is he doing something about me? He’s not. I am tired. This can’t work, why should I put efforts for anyone? I have got no efforts whatsoever ever, and it’s just me putting efforts, to talk, to patch, to fix things. He is so stubborn he will not ever even talk after NC and even if I message after NC. This is not working and I hate myself for putting efforts even after being told that he doesn’t have feeling for me.

Chris Seiter

May 31, 2019 at 11:58 pm

Hi CS…..I do think you should employ No Contact, but make it about “you”…your healing…your recovery in all ways….your personal growth.

Erin

May 20, 2019 at 8:12 pm

Hi,

I’ve been reading your page trying to find out how to use the no contact rule for my situation. Here is a little about it. My ex and myself split up a week ago (he ended it), after being together about 7 months. We work together on the same floor but not in the same office. It is a fairly small group though.
Anyway, I saw him 2 days after we split very briefly, and then again 4 days after that as I had his birthday present so I dropped it round to him.
I went in for a coffee and a chat, and he bought up why we shouldn’t be together, such as he’s not really a relationship person, he’s jaded and he’s fended for himself for many years. He said he still loves me more than a friend, and also said, as I quote, the sex was good no the sex is good (i’m confused)

Anyway I didn’t hear anything from him on his birthday but I wasn’t expecting to because his ex girlfriend died on his birthday about 5 years ago (they weren’t together, she went back to her ex husband) and I believe he’s still grieving for her.
Today he came into work, said thank you for the gift, I love it and i’m wearing it now (its a leather bracelet) but that I shouldn’t have spent so much.
I went on to saying its no problem I got it ages ago and i’m glad you like it.
Now for the rest of the day I have been doing no contact, as i’m finding it hard to get over the heartbreak. I answered hello if he said it to me as that’s polite, however as the day went on, he seemed to be getting angry, like he was in a mood. He held the door open for a male colleague of mine, and then let the door go just as I was going through. He stayed away from me and my colleague when we went for a cigarette and doesn’t even look at me now. This is only day 1.

Why is he in such a mood? Should I keep on with the no contact? How does the no contact work when you have to work with someone?
I used to spend a fair amount of my work time in his office chatting, and would only see him outside of work one night and the following day at the weekends. He claimed that this worked for him and was enough time together as he likes his own space.

I don’t know what to think now, i’m very confused.

Hope you can help 🙂 x

Chris Seiter

May 21, 2019 at 3:54 pm

So No contact is very adaptable and in a work situation you would use it in a limited fashion. My advice is to pick up my Program (EBR PRO Bundle) as it is very comprehensive and will dive into a lot of these things you are wondering about and help you optimize our chances of getting him back.

Justine holt

May 1, 2019 at 10:11 pm

My ex girlfriend and I was together for 3 years 6 months later she broke up with me she said I’m like her best friend she began to cry and she said we would never get back together or we could try maybe in the future. This is the 2nd time she’s done this. Well I found out as to why she broke up with me she wanted to try something different meaning she wanted to date men yes I am a lesbian. I went to her house one night and it got so bad where I pushed in the door and found a guy standing there I was arrested because she called 911. After that I went to jail and when I got out the next day. I reached out to her she was very dry towards me which I understand why. Long story short I been buying gifts to get her back but her mind is made up she wanted to explore different things and date. I went to go see last Thursday to have closure me sat down and watched a movie drink a little and smoked after that she walked me to my car gave me a long hug and she kissed me. She told me in order for me to heal she would block my number so that I wouldn’t reach out. She told me she love me but she’s not in love with me and she still care. Chris do you think it’s too late for the NC rule or is there still hope. I haven’t talked to her for almost a week now. I love her so much we were engaged. What should I do?

Chris Seiter

May 2, 2019 at 1:10 am

Always hope Justine and if you have no employed NC, then you should consider doing it for a lot of reasons which I discuss in my Program!

Emily

April 29, 2019 at 10:53 pm

Hey Chris,
Mine is a lil complicated story. In relationship for 1 and half year
He broke up with me when his parents did not agree for marriage and he was very cold for 2 months and then i was in NC and verge of moving on and he knew one of my best friend asked me for marriage. One day he was drunk and ended up near office and was asking for marriage, I was overwhelmed and we ended up having sex twice. Now again he is into same ild self that we cnt get married but i will not be able to live without contacting you and same with me i hve made fool of myslef more than thrice now saying i ll not comtact him or ll not take his calls.
I have ended attending his calls or calling him when i miss him a lot.
What should I do? I want to marry this guy cause for the fact i know he loves me, but he is not courageous enough to take a stand.

I am confused, will he ever take stand for us and should i follow NC or should I just follow my heart and talk to him
And also will NC work for second time? He said that he wants me to move on and not get hurt because of him.

Chris Seiter

April 30, 2019 at 2:44 am

Hi Emily…perhaps giving each other some space and time will do you both well. It does not have to be a formal No Contact period at this time. Keep your options open if he should reach out. Just allow for some time to go by so you both can get a bit more centered. You can reassess in a few weeks and decide how to proceed. If you elect to do NC a second time, it should be longer and be sure to follow my Program where I describe how it can be best optimized.

Winnie

April 23, 2019 at 3:55 am

Hi Chris,

I and Mr.K had a rough break up. I did something wrong and hurt him and our friendship was broken. I asked his forgiveness last year. He said he forgave me if I was truly sorry. After a year, he sent an email to me to ask me did I harass his friends? I replied him say no, it was not me. However, these few days I did not feel good. I really want to send an email to him again to ask did he really forgive me? Did he still hate or mad at me? Should I send it to ask him again?
Leilani

April 22, 2019 at 7:48 pm

Hi Chris,
My boyfriend and I were together for about 6 months and we had great communication, got along really well and didn’t argue about anything. We pretty much had a great relationship. About 2 weeks ago we broke up cause he said he was dealing with some personal issues and stresses and didn’t want to waste my time in dealing with whatever he had to deal with. He told me that right now he can’t be in a romantic relationship with anyone due to the personal issues he’s dealing with. He said he doesn’t know how long it’ll take for these issues to deal with, but he doesn’t want to never have time for me in the midst of it all. He knows I’m a great woman to be with, I’m rare to find, and he said he’ll probably regret it after a week. I admit I was a bit confused so I spent some time analyzing the situation cause it didn’t make sense why he’d do this to me out of nowhere. We had a wonderful relationship and he told me 2 days prior the breakup that he was really happy being with me and he’d want to marry me.
We get along too well so I didn’t think I’d be able to do the NC rule. But After clarity on your site I’ve decided to try it. I’ve been recovering well and dealing with the healing while improving myself. He’s pretty stubborn but I’ve been giving him his space and using this time to improve myself and I’m on day 19 so far. What’s your insight on this?

Chris Seiter

April 22, 2019 at 8:23 pm

Hi Leilani! It sounds like you are progressing forward with your NC period (19 days in). Keep the focus on your healing/recovery as that ties back into everything. I know these things don’t make a lot of sense. Sometimes guys can do foolish things. Just stick with your plan and feel free to tap into my Progra (EBR PRO) to help you thru all this!

Kelly

April 14, 2019 at 5:45 am

Hello. My ex and I dated for 8 months and he was talking often about us getting married. We were happy, but I went on several trips for 3 out of the last 4 months we dated and we grew apart. I became exhausted with my busy travel schedule and we both stopped working on our relationship. I became unhappy and told him I was unhappy, which ignited his drive to try and work on us. 1 week later I broke up with him because I didn’t think we were right for each other and I regretted it the next day. That started a week of him texting me, then me texting him, and coming to a resolution to try again. One day later he changed his mind and said he just wanted to be friends. I saw him after church the following day and gave him back his beats headphones I had borrowed and now I am on day 6 of NC. My question is, did that 8ish days of back and forth after the initial breakup sabotage the Program? Or should I continue with it?
Natasha

April 12, 2019 at 8:03 am

Hey Chris,
I need an urgent advice, please help.

So I have been talking to this guy since 2016. We like each other, but we have only talked on and off, never continued for long. This time it’s been 5 months we talking, longest ever and hopefully stay like this.

He is studying Masters which is a tough course, but in March, we had some arguments a bit regularly. Almost 2-3 times in March third week and fourth week, March end, we had an argument again, it wasn’t anything big, we were trying to talk on call, but I was working too so he got irritated that we are’nt able to talk and I got angry that I just wanted few minutes to talk and be with me. Then he said we talk later as he had mid term coming so he couldn’t study. I asked if he meant to talk after the test, for which he said yes. The test was after 6 days, in that week which was last week, he didn’t even reply me to my messages and even stopped seeing my msgs. Then on the test day I messaged him and he didn’t even respond to my texts or calls, totally ignored me. He was online, even then he didn’t respond. Then last Sunday I got frantic, and started calling and messaging non stop. To which he didn’t respond at all, didn’t even see my msgs. Then from Sunday itself I started to follow the no contact rule, I haven’t messaged or called him yet. He still can be seen online, he hasn’t responded to me yet. And I just want to ask. Should I be doing the no contact? We didn’t breakup.. He didn’t ask to stop talking forever. And even if I follow for how long should I follow the rule?

Please help.
Corina

April 9, 2019 at 1:17 am

Hi Chris,
Me and my ex have been together for 8 months. At the beginning of our relationship he broke up with me because I followed another guy on Instagram and liked his picture. When he did this I expressed to him that it was a simple follow and a like and I have no interest in him and no contact with him at all. I even told him how I was actually trying to set him up with a friend of mine. Eventually he admitted to being wrong and we moved past it, 8 months down the line to last week, I found messages on his social media to another woman. I told him how I felt about it and he made his point very clear that it was simply a simple conversation with no emotion attached to it. (I should let you know that we both work together and the woman was another coworker of ours). I expressed to him that I needed him to block her in order for me to move forward, which he did, but he is now following her again which bothers me so much because he doesn’t even have me on Instagram. All in all we have been fighting constantly and he has expressed to me multiple times that we should end our relationship and I’m the one who keeps begging him to stay. I’ve finally come to terms with no longer begging and giving him the space he needs and the space I need to heal. My worst fear is usuing the no contact rule and not getting any response at all from him. What is your recommendation.
Thank you,
Corina
Victoria

April 6, 2019 at 3:05 pm

Our relationship lasted about two months but we’ve know each other for a few years. When he broke up with me he told me he needed space. Will the no contact rule still work?

Chris Seiter

April 7, 2019 at 12:40 am

Hi Victoria…NC has many benefits…in the personal development area as well as allowing for some space and time to make a mark. Check out my Program if you wish to learn more!

Steph

April 6, 2019 at 9:28 am

Hi Chris,

Just over 3 weeks ago my husband told me he didn’t love me like a husband should love a wife and that our marriage was over for good. We have only been married for 9 months and together for 11 years! There were absolutely no indications that anything was wrong, our house was such a happy one. Everyone has said that our relationship was one to be admired as we were not only partners but best friends. This is a total shock to me as well as all of our family and friends who are also not coping well. He’s moved back with his parents who have encouraged us both to see a counsellor (individually) which we are doing, however he states that he’s only doing it for me to come to terms with the break up. I want to save our marriage and address any of the problems that led him to fee like this so I started no contact last week but I just want to know if it is even worth doing? I’m feeling so lost and confused about the whole situation. I’m not sure what to do anymore? Any help you can offer would be greatly appreciated.
Ja

April 2, 2019 at 9:27 am

Hi Chris,

My ex broke up with me two weeks ago. We’ve dated 1 year and 3mos(10mos together then 7mos long distance relationship). I was very very supportive and affectionate. We were happy even in the long distance. Always considered his feelings cause he’s so stressed and pressured with his life and career. Though in the last three months he was always tired(physically, mentally and emotionally). We seldom do video call but chat consistently. He broke up with me cause I called him out for being not so sweet/caring. He said he felt like he can’t ever be sweet or caring enough in my standards. He said I have my standards and he can’t keep up with them no matter what and not knowing when he can visit me again is making it more difficult. I thought he was just frustrated and pressured. Or maybe I was being too much with my expectations or didn’t communicate my concern better. Initially I panicked and got angry, messaged him it was his loss not mine. He didn’t reply. Two days later, I admitted my mistakes and asked if we can start over, got NO reply. 5 days later, sent him a video to sincerely say goodbye and told him if this what it takes to show him my support for his career, I’m letting him go. He just “seen” it and still got no reply. I’ve been doing NC for 8days now. He still hasn’t deleted or blocked me on FB. Do you think we still have a chance?

Chris Seiter

April 2, 2019 at 9:46 pm

Hi Ja! Always a chance, particularly if you are implementing No Contact and doing all the things I discuss in my Program!

Candace Wilson

March 31, 2019 at 7:58 pm

My Ex moved out three weeks ago now (we were together 3.5 years), I wasn’t good at the no contact rule at first, but we have a house, all assets together and two young step kids (mine from a first marriage who he hasn’t talked to at all) and I absolutely was so mad that the fight we had is what ended us. On last Sunday he came by to get some stuff, we ended up in an hour of basically silent conversation and tears and he took nothing with him. This past Friday we had to talk finances and paying bills (we are still joint everything), I asked him if I was crazy to hold onto hope (I know now, bad idea) and he said not crazy but he’s not coming home. I’m an absolutely amazing woman and he didn’t always treat me well but he’s not coming home. I have now implemented the no contact rule until we have to divide the assets, there is nothing to discuss other than ensuring the bills are paid. I really have no reason to contact him otherwise. I’m just so confused if he is really done? He is contacting me a couple of times per week to say “I hope you are doing well!” Why???? He took some of his stuff three weeks ago but only enough for a couple of weeks. I have asked him for a few hours or days notice before coming to the house in case the kids are here (they haven’t seen or talked to him at all and they are struggling as he was a second dad to them and did everything for them). He seems to be just burying himself in work, seems super happy at work (I know some of his co-workers), is ignoring his sister who he lives with, his best friend, etc. He has literally only told 2 people this has happened (his sister and one mutual friend at his work who I am close to). I am so confused, what is he doing? I have moved well past our fight, am seeing a counselor, moved all of his stuff out of our bedroom into the basement so I can sleep there and stay sane, but I just want him to come home. We can absolutely fix this but he becomes adamant he is done. All I have heard is how amazing I am but he is done and not coming home. How is he just flipping this switch? Of course I am moving forward, I have to for the kids and I, but I don’t get it.

Chris Seiter

March 31, 2019 at 9:03 pm

Hi Candace…I know what you are going thru is hard and I am glad you are seeing a counselor for support. If everybody did this, it would be a much better world. It seems to me he is experiencing pangs of guilt and perhaps some degree of uncertainty which could be the reason why he is checking in with you. I do think No Contact is the right medicine for numerous reasons…your healing/recovery/growth…as well as allowing for some time and space apart so he can come to potentially appreciate more you value and what he is leaving behind. I realize there will be exceptions to the NC rule given the kids and finances, etc. And you can work around that. But making this NC period about “you” and finding a peaceful center is important. If he ultimately chooses not to return and work on making the relationship even better, then it will be his loss – not yours. You have many paths available to you. If you have not already done so, take a look at my Program (EBR PRO) as it will help guide you thru this process.

Suchi

March 31, 2019 at 6:26 pm

We talked and the breakup was ambiguous at first (a conversation about what has been going on, why he has been so distant – gist of it he doesn’t know what happened but doesnt feel the same, was trying to see if it got better w/ time), so he basically initiated the break up. apologized for making me feel insecure or bad the end of our relationship. I didn’t beg, was not desperate, when we broke up I vowed to start 30 days No Contact the very next day. Before I started NC, I told him due to being upset I wanted to exchange our stuff through my doorman so we didn’t have to see each other in person. He resisted but ultimately said we would figure it out. 7 days later, he sent me a text saying he dropped of a few bags of my stuff with my doorman. it was a lot so he didn’t want to burden me with them, and that he would. bring the rest on Monday, after his weekend away with his family. 3 hours after that text, he sent it again via another messaging app. 3 hours after that he realized I was ignoring him and he texted saying any type of response would be appreciated. I ignored all of these, the following day his text became more angry, accusing me of telling his friends and family before he said anything (not true, it was just the grapevine), etc… and I got sucked in to responding so that I could defend myself. so I broke NC 7 days in. He was angry – he said he hoped we could be adults and exchange our stuff in person and maybe have a goodbye hug. but then just said – well i guess we will just carry on…etc.. then he apologized for carrying on w/ the tone and that he was just sad and if i need anything I know how to contact him and finally “I’m sorry.” I wonder if I made a mistake pushing the breakup forward and going against his hopes of seeing each other in person to say “goodbye.” However my gut reaction is while I do want him back, I want to do it right – after some time knowing he’s not just going through initial withdrawal. I want to know he really wants me back, that it will be the same as it was before… this is coming from someone who told me something changed about how he felt about me and that we were like friends vs. lovers. Did I do the right thing? I am going to re-start NC all over again…
Kelli

March 21, 2019 at 10:31 pm

Hi Chris,
A guy I’ve been seeing on and off for many years and I had a fight. He ignored my apologies so I stopped trying. 6 months later I reached out and his response was a snarky “here’s my schedule, I’d love to hang out…oh I forgot, you’re not talking to me”. I attempted to reconnect and he is once again ignoring me. What do I do? What does he want? Will NC work?

Chris Seiter

March 22, 2019 at 12:32 am

Hi Kelli….NC has worked in many ways for lots of people. I spend 485 pages describing how my Program works and NC is a big, big piece of it.

T

March 21, 2019 at 7:05 am

I was dating my ex for 9months he broke up with me saying that he still loves me but he doesn’t know if he wants to be in a relationship with me so he didn’t want to put me through that, I’ve been trying NC for 30days, he hasn’t contacted me, but then I saw a really bad hurricane swept through the area where his mom and family stay I wanted to check if they where alright so on the 20th day of NC I sent him a message basically like “this is out of the nowhere but is your family okay, hope you are having a good day” and he replied with a passive message I ended the chat right after but I don’t know there feels like there’s been a shift and I don’t know if I even have a chance anymore. We are in a LDR btw

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