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Kiwi
June 5, 2016 at 3:56 am
Hi, I have a question and I hope you may be able to give a bit of insight. I’ve been dating a lovely sweet gent 6 years older than me. We met through friends and that story… Four months in we do our usual soccer outing to a local park and lunch. Today, he felt very different and distant. I knew something was off. After a few plays I asked if he was all right, no answer. I decided to let it go and go for a small hike, he followed. We sat in a neutral zone under the shade and I asked, really calmly, what is concerning you? He was hesitant to answer. Finally, he did. He asked if I thought our relationship was moving too quickly.
He mentioned his concern and I answered honestly and calmly. I believed we were just enjoying our time and relationship. My thoughts on marriage, kids, or anything serious was ways off. I did mention that my dream was to travel Europe and hoped he may join me. I apologized for my family’s (pushy) humor.
His next answer stung deeply, “I feel like I want the relationship to end yet keep going. I don’t see us more serious than this but I see us happy.” I asked him a truly pain question for myself, “do you love me or are you in love with me?” I explained one is like a sister or friend, the other is someone much more. His answer was I don’t know.
When I was about to leave, he cried, it was heart wrenching and still burns. I fought with myself not to cry and break down. I told him to breathe and to know himself is to know your heart. I returned his hug and soon left.
I drove a bit and couldn’t stop my tears. I truly love him, after all my harsh past has done. This is a kind and respectful man, and I don’t know what to do. I believe I love him. What can I do? I don’t want to give up and say that’s it. I want to fight for this relationship, I don’t know about him.
Thank you for your insight,
Kiwi
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 15, 2016 at 4:16 am
HI Kiwi,
if he says it’s too fast for him, then pushing to be with him will just annoy him and confirm that you are rushing your relationship with him.. Take it slow, give him space and when you see each other again just have fun.. don’t have another relationship talk until you have been built rapport again
Surprised
May 24, 2016 at 4:21 am
Hi Team, Thanks for the great info! I just completed no contact and my first text was responded to immediately. When I tried to end the conversation he asked when I could talk, and the good questions (interest in whats going on with me) started rolling in. I tried to weasel my way out of the conversation 2-3 times. I largely ignored his questions (including “why’d that make you think of me?” [I used one of his fav bands that we’ve seen in concert together]), and he proceeded to ask me for plans with getting dinner or drinks as a suggestion. I let drive him drive the conversation a little without losing control of it, and it was 2:1 ratio (him : me). I’m a little worried about going directly to seeing each other but things were never that bad between us, and I’m the one that ended things to begin with after a fight that had its roots in texting too much and not actually communicating. Any advice or suggestions? I wasn’t prepared for him to be so responsive/assertive and it caught me off guard – I feel the need to slow him down because the first attempt at getting back together (pre-no contact) moved too fast and ultimately blew up in my face. Thank you!
Surprised
June 2, 2016 at 2:59 am
Here’s where it all gets murky. Before NC, I committed every sin in the book. We had sex a few times, but also had dates where that didn’t happen and we just enjoyed each other. He definitely held the power. The last time we hooked up we were both drinking and he professed his love for me, told me he missed me, and wanted to be together. I brought it up sober and suggested we stop fighting it and get back together. He backtracked. I immediately went in to no contact. Since the first contact message, there was 1-2 short exchanges where I ducked out early. In setting up the date, he mentioned not being sure hanging out was a good idea because he “wasn’t sure he could give me what i wanted” (assuming relationship), and then hopped to it maybe being a bad idea because of the potential for hook up. I immediately told him I just wanted to be friends, and that I wasn’t thinking anything like that. Well – that changed everything. He went immediately to trying to convince me to sleep with him. A lot. Begging included at one point. I told him no, and that I didn’t think it was a good idea, but was really nice and kind of flirty about it. I just let him go, didn’t stop him but didn’t engage in the sex banter at all. Text ratio was roughly 3 (him) to 1 (me). We made plans to meet for a drink the following day, but ended up going for a run instead, which I think was the best idea because there was no chance for him to try anything. In person he gave me a little friend zone vibe, which is obviously a big change from the previous conversations but he’s always pretty reserved in person. He mentioned that one of his best friends is recently single, so that will likely fuel the “single guy” fire. I’m really just not 100% sure what my next move should be. I know I need to do the friend zone/mixed signals thing, but, any guidance beside keeping the conversation going?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 12, 2016 at 4:31 am
Hi Suprised,
sorry for the late reply.. You have to take the opportunity to maintain that attraction by maintaining yourself.. and if you are going to invite him, invite him to an activity that doesn’t involve drinking like that run..or other activities that involve friends and always look your best.
Jennifer Seiter
May 27, 2016 at 3:31 am
It sounds like you have complete control and could have him back if you wanted. How did the first time blow up in your face? focus on not repeating that behavior.
melyssa
May 23, 2016 at 3:18 pm
Hi – I came across your article as I was looking for some advice and thought you might put things into prespective. I meet this man at Xmas (he was separated from his wife for about year and half) we hit it off immediately and could talk about everything – we had great dates with great follow up conversations, texts and emails and subsequent dates. The relationship was going in right direction – when he told me that he’d had a discussion with his wife who wanted to try and give it another chance and he felt he needed to comply as they had been together for the last 30 years (even if the last 5+ years had included separations) – I did not know what to say or react. So I did not react other than to say “fine”. He emailed me a letter afterwards detailing all the reasons why he should try again with his wife and why he felt a real connection with me both mentally and physically. I did not response to his email – as I did not think it really made a difference to tell him how I felt as it seemed clear to me that he had already decided to go back to his wife. He emailed again days later wanting to know if I was ok or hated him. I responded with a short one line note that I did not think he really expected a response from me. He responded back wanting to know if I was ok. I never responded to his email. To be frank I was upset – as I thought he was free to move on – as we had spent a great almost 2 months of really getting to know each, great conversations about pretty much everything (including past relationships) and some great kissing. His ongoing excitment in wanting to be with me and talk with me was what attracted me to him in the first place. and the fact that everything felt geniune. I have not reached out to him or talked with him since early Februay – I’ve gone out on numerous dates with other men to move on with my life – only to be disappointed after each date. Seems like it gets harder to find a true connection. And then I think about him – how he so easily captured my interest. I found out this week that things did not go well with his ex-wife and that he is once again is on his own (which is something that he had told me in his email back in late January by way of explanation and that the likely outcome would be that they would remain separated as he had tried in the past and failed). I am now debating with myself if I should reach out to him or just leave it be – considering I never responded to his last email where he wanted to know if I was ok. I guess I’m still wondering if we really had a great connection – as we seemed to be on the brink of being in a relationship?? Any words of advice?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 26, 2016 at 6:39 pm
Hi Melyssa,
are you frienda in any social media? Try to be active in posting, when he reacts, start from there
Em
May 20, 2016 at 8:50 pm
hey. me and my ex were no contact for three months (from the day we broke up until friday). he broke up with me. on the friday he messaged me after three months asking to meet for coffee. we met up a week later when i was free. it was good to see him before we had to meet in a group (we have mutual friends) but i’m abit confused. he told me about a date he had been on about 5 minutes in, then told me he wouldn’t wanna hear anything about me and other guys, after he told me about his dates without me even asking?? i responded cool and calmly but was upset inside. he was kind of flirting but then fact he told me about other girls suggested he didnt have feelings for me anymore. i text him after to say good to catch up and he has replied agreeing etc. but i didnt reply. i am seeing him next week in a group setting. advice??
Em
May 25, 2016 at 3:21 pm
Yes. But I’m more asking what his feelings are ? If he’s telling me
About dates but asked to meet.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 27, 2016 at 12:41 pm
Oh sorry! It’s a good sign that he’s asking for a meet. Don’t get too ahead. It’s just the start, if he’s meeting other girls too that means he’s still exploring other options.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 25, 2016 at 1:32 pm
Hi Em,
have you improved yourself in the last three months? if not, you should start now and aim to be the ungettable girl, so that you can spark attraction
Chels
May 19, 2016 at 12:54 pm
Hi,
I have been dating my ex for over a month and a half now. Sometimes he asks me out, sometimes I do. When we are together, it is like we are back dating. I was thinking of having the talk with him, but yesterday he was at a pub with another girl sitting on his lap (I know cuz a friend saw and told me). It was weird because the whole time he was out, he was snap chatting me (the girl was not in the pictures). I thought it was going well, but now I am not sure what to do. I was kinda thinking pulling back, what do you think?? Or should I ask him about it? He saw my friend there, and would have to know she would have told me.
Thanks
Chels
June 8, 2016 at 1:33 pm
As an update: he has been more flirty, in a sexual way. He suggested that I come over to his place tomorrow implying for sex. Obviously I’m not going to do it. But what should I do?
Chels
May 31, 2016 at 11:43 pm
Hi, I did what you said. We haven’t hung out for over 2 weeks and before that we were hanging out about twice a week. We still snap / text everyday and he sometimes suggests that we do stuff, but whenever I push for a definite date he is unavailable.
I don’t know what to do especially because I was going to have the talk with him before this happened
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 1, 2016 at 1:04 am
ok, if he suggests tell him to just update you if he has a definite date but don’t ask about it and then start to go out now with other group of friends to do a little jealousy move. Especially with the group of friends that are new to him and is a mixed of guys and girls.
Chels
May 25, 2016 at 12:41 am
I was kind of think about confronting him about it, and having “the talk” and using the reverse pyscology to say that I only wanted to be casual but not see other people. But I know that there is a good chance that I will lose him forever if I do.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 27, 2016 at 9:40 am
Try to remain being fun and then pull back.. and then when you talk again be fun and when you’re pulling back be active in posting in social media what you’ve been busy about
Chels
May 25, 2016 at 12:11 am
Hi,
We have not talked about it yet. I did not contact him first, but he still messaged me first the past couple days, though he seems withdrawn and less flirty. I kinda feel like he won’t ask me to do anything, but I’m not sure.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 24, 2016 at 8:20 pm
Hi Chels,
have you talked? If you’re going to ask, ask nicely as you can because he would likely see that you’re just confronting him.
Ew
May 4, 2016 at 10:10 pm
Hey Chris/Amor,
So I did meet up with my ex last night. It was after 5 months of not seeing each other and full 3 months of no contact. We have a very long history.. He first broke up with me 3 years ago, but we lived together and were in constant contact with each other. More than a year ago he was finally ready and wanted me back and then I broke up with him in a bad way. Realised on the next day it was totally not what I wanted and he said the only thing he could give me was to go on at least 3 months of no contact so he could try and recover. I did not give him that as I was panicked and missed him and we stayed in touch, with him regaining some hope, acting like a boyfriend (including sex) but only in private. Then last November, I started asking about us and got frustrated about him not being able to want me back, to which he reacted terribly. As a result he said he totally needed a break to try and forget the bad things i’d done, to forget me too and only then would we maybe try and give something a shot again. I did manage the 3 months of no contact, wanted to grant him that, and then reached out early in April. He did respond that he was thinking of meeting me at the end of April, which I took for a positive sign, in line with his earlier statements that he only needed some time and that he was approaching this differently than me, meaning he wanted the time apart to recover.. I did get panicked last week and reached out to him first to say I was going away for the weekend and so we wouldn’t be able to meet and was free Tuesday. He said ok, we could meet next week. So on Monday (2nd May) I reached out first again, again panicked. He replied he would prefer to meet Tue evening and would let me know the time and place. He did that yesterday morning and we did meet for a drink last night. He hugged me first, then we spent some 2 hrs together, I thought it was nice if awkward at first.. When we were parting he said just “take care”, hugged me again, kissed me on the cheek and grabbed my hand. That was it.
I know this isn’t exactly how I should be / have been handling all of it, but we did get to the point of the first date and I just don’t know how to act next. I said to myself that I should try and follow logic and reason consistently for a change instead of panicking at the last moment, and yet I do not trust myself. What should I do next? Did his behaviour mean anything in any direction? Does he care at all or was it just pity? For any second date, should I reach out first or do I wait for him and how long? He acts and reflects very slowly.. There is my b-day coming up in 10 days and am inviting some friends to a bar, thought I might try and invite him, but have no idea how that is gonna look + he will probably say no anyway as those would only be my friends that know him or have heard about us. Am at a total loss here. The one thing I know is I do care about him and want to act wisely to give us a best shot. What/when/how should I do now? Reach out again or wait for him to do that? If so, how long? It’s already been such a long while and then if he doesn’t want me, I’d rather he told me that upfront than act out of pity or anything.. Thanks for your help..
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 8, 2016 at 2:42 am
Hi Ew,
atually it’s not a date.. he just agreed to meet because that’s what was promised before.. there’s no rapport and attraction built before the meet and I don’t think he sees it as a date.. actually, if you’re still chasing him, that means the three months apart was not spent to improve yourself.. and also you should start with texting first after nc.. texting is meant to build enough rapport and attraction for calls that will build enough rapport and attraction for dates.. The dates should be mutual. You wanted to meet up because of the built up rapport and attraction, it’s like missing each other and texting and calling is not enough..
Right now, the truth is, he probably thinks you’re still so into him because you waited this long and you still met with him.. start active nc first.. start with yourself.. by the end of it.. the panic won’t be there.. there will be a little nervousness because that’s normal but you have already gained enough self esteem to take things slow and to accept if ever he’s not showing signs of going back.
Cathy
May 4, 2016 at 2:13 am
Hello,
It’s been over a month since a great man broke up with me. We haven’t been dating for too long but I really like this one! (haha) I tried the no-contact (but could not hold a month), then I texted him a little something to know how he was doing. He answered me then engaged a conversation, I cut it short but he made me feel like we could talk again.
About two weeks ago, (in a moment of weakness) out of the blue I asked him if he wanted to go have a drink or a coffee with me. He took a couple of days to answer, and at some point I felt a little ridiculous and thought that I wouldn’t get an answer ever (lol) but he finally accepted, I was surprised and happy he did! It was hard to schedule something because we are both quite busy, but we agreed last week for a drink yesterday. Then I didn’t contact him again. He texted me in the afternoon yesterday to ask me if we were still going out later, and we arranged the details.
The evening went incredibly well, much more than I expected! I thought that he didn’t want to talk to me anymore but yesterday, he gave me the impression that he just gave me space after the breakup because he didn’t want to hurt me. I was very nervous at first but then it was just if we had spoken last week. We talked a lot, and at some point, about what went wrong between us. He told me that everything was fine, that I was a great girl, that we were getting along quite well but he gave me the “I am not ready” explanation :-/ (I don’t think he is seeing anyone else, I am not even sure that he is dating at all) I changed the subject quickly to something more positive and funny. (I hope 🙂 )
I told myself that I would leave after 1 drink but we had a great time and he wanted to order a second one. So I stayed for a second one. Then he wanted to accompany me to my car (we parked at two different places). When we were both alone in the elevator, we had this “look”, I knew he wanted to kiss me but I just hugged him quickly and blushed (ooops). He kissed me on the cheek.
We walked to my car, and then he kissed me. Then he told me that he took the initiative because he knew I wouldn’t have done it. I told him he was right… We stayed there a while, kissing like teenagers (lol). He came into my car, I drove him to his car, 2 blocks away. We kissed again and he asked me if I wanted to go to his place. Fortunately, I had a good excuse not too, but he was strongly testing my will! 🙂 I kicked him out of my car and drove home, alone!
He has been complimenting me a lot the whole evening and finding excuses to touch me all the time. I didn’t know how it will go but I was certainly not expecting that much!
My feeling for now is that he would really like a FWB thing, but I would rather just be friend with him than going this way. But in a perfect world, I would obviously want the whole thing!
I just don’t know what to do now. Should I just wait for him to contact me? is it okay if I ask him out again? How can I get closer to him without slipping into the FWB zone?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 4, 2016 at 1:11 pm
Hi Cathy,
take it slow.. text and call first before meeting up again so you won’t end up being fwb.. follow up that meet with a text about what you talked about there..
Mya
April 25, 2016 at 12:07 am
My ex has messaged me a couple of times now saying that the reason we broke up is because of my male best friend (who I knew for 10+yrs) and if it wasn’t for him we’d be happy together for the rest of our lives.
I no longer speak to my male best friend as he recently told me he has feelings for me, and he’s engaged. I knew that the best thing would be to break contact with him for now for the sake of his marriage. I don’t have any feelings towards him in that way and I don’t want to be responsible for their break up.
However, I doubt my ex would believe me if I told him that I no longer speak to him. He sent me the message about my best friend (he’s sent similar texts before) while I was holiday and I replied saying that I understand where he’s coming from and I know how he feels. I hope that he can forgive me for the mistakes I made for not seeing it sooner but the reason I broke up with him was because he was secretive, there was no trust, he was cold towards me yet warm towards all of his female friends (who he met in secret, and lied to my face about). I no longer felt loved within the relationship etc. and that I hope he can try to be more honest with me so we can work towards having the future together we both wanted.
But now I’m concerned I was in the wrong to be so honest via text. It was exactly how I felt and I said that I still care for him but I don’t want to make the same mistakes that we made in the past. That I still want a future with him, but only if he’s willing to try to be more honest and open with me. I’m just a little tired of him making flat conversations with me, not wanting to meet up, yet other times telling me he cares about me still and sees a future with me (it’s been 5 months since the break up, and we’ve only meet once about a month ago).
Was I in the wrong to send that text? It’s been a few days now and he hasn’t replied. Should I just wait for him to reply?
Mya
April 26, 2016 at 11:53 pm
Is there anything i can do? Or do I simply have to let him come to accept it all on his own?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 27, 2016 at 9:05 am
actually you’re doing what you should be doing, but you need to set your expectations.. he has to realize it on his own, because if you keep pushing, it’s like you’re just going to feed his insecurity
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 26, 2016 at 6:31 pm
Hi Mya,
You are right with most of your actions.. staying away from your best friend and being honest with your ex.. The problem is actually your ex’s insecurity.. It’s just that it’s hard for you that even if he’s wrong, he’s still not realizing it.
Lisa
April 23, 2016 at 7:01 pm
Hi!
So my ex and I work together sometimes and these days (we split up nearly a year ago), we’re friendly. We’ve even been to the movies twice now in the past couple of weeks. We stay up til the early hours after just talking literally til the sun goes up. Whilst this is obviously positive, my question is how do I take this further? I want more than just seeing him once (out of work) every few weeks… how do we go to the ‘next step’ kinda thing. Do I not contact him at all until he texts me? Do I flirt with him when I see him? Arrgggh – confused haha! Thanks 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 25, 2016 at 8:26 pm
Hi Lisa,
Try a little jealousy move. Not too forward, something that will just make him think that you’re not waiting on him..
JELLYBEAN
April 22, 2016 at 11:39 am
Hi EBR’ers! Bought your books, read this site like a bible, it’s helping me so much. Boyfriend of a year broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. Went into NC on the fourth day and LAST WEEK he popped up and messaged me to go on a dinner date/catch up. It was really good and nothing crazy was brought up. I did my part and looked my best. He mentioned I’m beautiful a couple of times. He saw me off at the bus stop and even messaged me after to make sure I was home safe – dare I say just like old times? Then I went back to NC again because I didn’t want to pester him and give him his space. BUT here’s the kicker. It’s been 6 days since that last dinner and he hasn’t messaged me at all. What’s going on in his head? I’m pretty good with sticking to the NC but I’m just excited to know. Keep up with the NC? What’s going through a guy’s head when he initiated first date with the ex-girlfriend but then disappears? Meanwhile I’ve been focusing on myself and trust me, you guys are really helping – A LOT. And I appreciate the memes and the humor. You guys are funny. Thanks for everything.
Jellybean
May 17, 2016 at 5:28 pm
Dear Amor, I am happy to tell you that I got my ex back! We are back together again and the magic sure enough happened when I backed off and did NC diligently. I wanted to thank you and of course the genius behind this site – I’m so glad u got your ebooks, they truly truly helped me and will be great brush up material just to keep me in check. Thank you for everything, my BF and I are very happy this second time around, better than ever!
Jennifer Seiter
May 21, 2016 at 1:57 am
THAT IS GREAT NEWS!!! I’m so happy to hear that YOU GOT YOUR EX BACK. I will let Chris know that you that you loved the Ebooks. I will also let Amor know your grateful for her reply.
JELLYBEAN
April 24, 2016 at 10:48 am
Thanks Amor, I take your reply as a positive sign! 😉 I’ll keep up with the NC. Thanks a lot for this. I’ll update you. 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 23, 2016 at 11:00 am
Hi Jellybean,
I think he’s testing the waters too.. maybe he’s not sure how to cintact you again and waits for you to initiate.. finish nc first.. with your date, it looks like he would reply positively
J
April 21, 2016 at 12:05 pm
Hi, my bf and I are on/off all the time, always him running cold for no obvious reason. At the moment we are “on” had a great date on Tuesday, he ended up staying over, I had work for a couple of hours on the Wednesday morning so just left him in my bed, I got in mid morning and throughout the day he was getting more and more distant with me, playing on his phone, not wanting to cuddle up ect. He has been complaining of feeling unwell, I got him painkillers, made him drinks. I don’t know if that’s why he didn’t see himself. I asked if he wanted to do something on Sunday night to which he replied “no I’ve got work early on Monday” and that was it, no lets do it another day or anything? We are meant to be away the weekend after so I said well looks like we won’t see each other till then, he said yeah probably? I don’t even know what the plans are for it. He when he left he said I’ll text you later I’ll be home in half an hour, he didn’t text for hours and all he said was how sick he was feeling, I said take some pain killers and try to get a early night. He didn’t reply despite being online hours later, I text “night” he replied goodnight sexy so doesn’t seem like he was off with me but why not be intouch? He’s only sent one message today even though he’s off work. Do I just let him come to me or do I keep texting? Don’t want to come across needy or desperate but at the same time I don’t want it to get to where neither of us are texting? Also do you think I should tell him I’m busy if he asks to do something? I feel like it’s always on his terms when we do see each other.. Thanks
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 23, 2016 at 4:51 am
Hi J,
how are things now? Whenever he’s like that just let him be at that moment and do something.. if it’s days that he’s like that then it’s different. Maybe he’s just not in the mood.
Chloe
April 17, 2016 at 9:54 pm
Long story short, I completed NC with no problem (he didn’t contact me). We went on our first coffee date but it was just okay and ended with a hug, texted me after saying it was lovely to see me.
Now we’re talking a couple of times a week but he always ends the convo after his first text, before I have a chance to reply. Then when I do message him he takes days to reply…. I’m extremely frustrated and don’t feel as though there’s any progress (it’s been 1 month since our first date and he hasn’t asked me out).
Is there anything I can do? Or should I walk away?
Chloe
April 18, 2016 at 9:06 pm
It’s always been like this. He said he missed me etc in the past but now it’s boring convo that he simply starts and doesn’t want an entertaining and fun convo no matter how I start it. He even hid his last online status as soon as he started talking to me again after NC, yet he’s not like that with his female friends…
The conversation from my side is always entertaining and funny, I tell jokes, I send videos, I flirt lightly etc. But he just doesn’t seem to want to have a convo with me :/
I was thinking of maybe sending him a message that I’m no longer willing to accept being treated in such a way. We’re in a weird situation where he doesn’t treat me like a friend or a lover. But maybe the best thing is to just cut all contact?
What do you think I should do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 20, 2016 at 11:02 am
actually, it’s better if you just cut contact..if you weren’t active in the last nc, be active now or be more active and focus more on improving yourself and healing
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 18, 2016 at 1:59 pm
Hi Chloe,
yeah, that doesn’t sound good.. it’s okay if you were the one to initiate a meet but with that kind of convo, I don’t think it will happen.. did it get boring?
Ruby
April 16, 2016 at 1:24 pm
Ive been on what i thought were 2 dates with my ex bf. First time we arranged dinner where we only kissed then went to his and watched a movie. I felt just like when we were together. Second time we baked cupcakes at his and again just kissed. That evening when i got home during a text conversation i said oh you obviously like me more than a friend but just dont want that commitment. He was like no i only like you as a friend -just being with you is different. When were together i feel like his gf. He said he isnt seeing any other girl. I said i dont think you like me as just a friend cos friends dont kiss each other. I said well then this should end if thats what it is. He hasnt replied yet.
Im so confused and sad. I honestly didnt think i was a friend cos we flirt and talk 24/7. We met up once a week. Should i just move on?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 18, 2016 at 6:25 am
Hi Ruby,
I think saying it to his face turned him off.. But if he really likes you, he should be the one to say it, and if he’s not saying it then yes, it’s better to move on.
Natalie
April 9, 2016 at 3:08 am
To summarize, my ex and I broke up last year but my anxiety was bad at the time and I wasn’t ready to try to get him back. I spent time working on myself and started the strategies on this website again earlier this year.
Since then my ex and I have had positive text conversations with the 1:1 texting ratio. Also, I notice my ex trusts me a lot more than he initially did (he invited me out one time with friends and our conversations are more personal and we can bug each other again).
Now, I am trying to get ungettable girl status by using the techniques in that article and the one about how to make your ex chase you. I’ve been doing mini no contact periods, the push-pull theory, and have been working on my physical appearance as well (eating healthier, etc.). However, I’m not sure how to get a date with my ex. I feel like waited too long since we went out that one time and now it will be unnatural to ask. When my ex asked me to hang out with him before, he asked because my plans had fallen through and he asked me to tag along with him that day instead. So, today I hinted at wanting to go out this weekend but no one was free (to see if he would ask me out), but he didn’t. I’m not sure how to ask him to go out and what to suggest we do. We’re both going to be around campus this summer, so I was thinking of suggesting we hang out one evening when we’re both there, but I’m not sure what to suggest we do.
Natalie
April 11, 2016 at 6:11 am
Now my ex has started replying with one word responses… things were going well and I’m not sure what to do now.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 11, 2016 at 1:32 pm
maybe he’s just busy today.. take a day rest again..if he’s like that for a week, then that’s dofferent
Natalie
April 9, 2016 at 4:53 pm
Hi Amor,
Thanks for your advice! I think I will try doing that as it seems most natural!
So, I’m a little surprised with how my ex has been acting since I did another no contact period.
The other day he joked about us becoming friends with benefits (which was purely a joke because it is something neither of us would ever do with anyone). Normally he likes joking about others, not himself, so I thought this was interesting.
Also, when I tried to see if I could get him to invite me out, my ex started saying that everyone is busy this weekend because it’s our last week of classes. I tried keeping the conversation light and fun, and he replied teasingly. I decided not to reply to this last text right away, but a few hours later when I checked my phone my ex had texted again (2 texts within a 5 hour period) suggesting that “maybe nobody wants to go with [me]” aka hang out with me this weekend.
It’s not unusual for my ex to make mean-ish jokes like this to people, but I’m not really sure what it means. I can’t figure out if he really thinks I am boring or if I should make a huge joke out of this text somehow to get him to laugh (I used to be uptight when he would text me these jokes in our relationship because I was really self-conscious). Also, the whole friends with benefits joke threw me off guard because he NEVER makes jokes like that. I’m just really confused!
PS right now I’m just waiting to see what happens and have not replied to the similar-meanish texts because I don’t know how to turn this conversation around
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 9, 2016 at 2:59 pm
Hi Nataloe,
that’s a good idea, once you’re in campus, check the area if there’s anywhere you can invite him.. an ice cream while walking by an ice cream parlor, or sitting in the bleachers while there’s a game
Fiona
April 8, 2016 at 2:50 pm
I went on my first date with my ex (I suggested it) about a couple of weeks ago. I noticed that he was really stressed and seemed really down in himself. I actually felt guilty telling him anything that was going really well in my life, in fact he seemed agitated and restless throughout most of the date, and simply wanted to bitch about others. There was a few times he showed his gentle side and was sweet with me, but overall I was a bit shocked at how different he was.
Since then he’s not initiated any messages, and the conversation has died between us. We send each other one text a week (usually takes days for him to reply, and I’ve started doing the same because I’m losing interest and forget about the conversation. I used to reply within the same day but he didn’t reciprocate), but I’m actually quite concerned about how he’s acting, for his sake. It’s not him as he’s normally quite a big softie, yet on the date he was cynical and harsh.
Should I pick up the slack for a while and message him each day (with a funny video, or something to cheer him up)?
Fiona
April 12, 2016 at 2:54 pm
Hi Amor,
Thanks for your help and quick reply! I tried inviting him out but he didn’t even acknowledge the question. Simply stated that he was feeling a bit down and that he can’t wait until he’s finished the next couple of weeks with deadlines. He asked when I was returning (I’m going on holiday with a few friends next week, for 5 days) and how I was (I didn’t answer because things are going really well in my life, I don’t want to make him feel any more upset, I know that he would take me enjoying myself as not caring about him and he would distance himself out of stubborness). I replied and asked him if he wanted to talk about what was bothering him a couple of days ago, but he hasn’t replied. He just keeps letting the conversation die…
Should I just let him have his space and let him come to me when/if he wants to? Or should I continue to send him a message every couple of days with something funny and unrelated to his stresses?
I don’t want him to mistake my concern for him, and take it as though I’m being clingy and desperate to be together with him again, when I’m not.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 13, 2016 at 9:30 pm
Actually you should focus more on light things.. Let’s say if you have a problem, you would want someone you can talk to about it but other than that person, you want someone who is not related to your problem to take your mind off it. In your case, because of your past, you don’t want to associate yourself with problems.. He has to see you as a source of lightness.. If he asks for advice for his problems, of course you can answer but if he’s not, don’t open it up.. Help him take his mind off it.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 9, 2016 at 7:53 am
Hi Fiona,
Try to invite him out to take his mind off his problems..then listen and agree with his rants, propose a solution but do’t fight if he argues..just agree if he disagrees with yoir solution because a stressed person most likely will disagree wih everything.. Just let your solution marinate in his mind
Mia
April 6, 2016 at 1:56 am
My ex broke up with about a month ago. Said that we should not be together because he wasn’t sure about us. Reminder, we have broken up before more than twice and also got back. About two week ago he texted me, saying he said he was sorry for being harsh and that his grandfather says hi to me (the only member in his family that likes me). I didn’t respond back cause I didn’t want to talk to him until I got really drunk last week and I texted him that I loved him. the next day I apologized and told him I texted everyone because I was drunk. He answered me the following day saying it was okay, that he texted me too when he was drunk except that he only texted me. I didn’t text him back after that. But I feel like I probably messed up my chances or that he probably lied to me about being drunk to be swallowed. I don’t want to text him or talk to him because I don’t want him to think that I will always give in, plus I feel he will never learn to value me as a person until I become unreachable. Am I right or what should I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 8, 2016 at 11:30 am
Hi Mia,
that’s okay people makes mistakes.. you can restart nc, i think he understands what you did so don’t overthink
Nicki
April 5, 2016 at 6:48 pm
My boyfriend and I were together for 10 months. I ended up telling him I needed to take a little break to get myself together because I was fighting my depression and anxiety. I told him that I loved him and that it was for both of us. I called to check in after a week then, long story short, we broke up. 2 weeks later he txts and calls me often to say he loves me, misses me, asks about my day, and we actually stayed on the phone at bedtime for 2 hours until he went to sleep one night (which normally I’d have to beg him to go to sleep otp with me if I miss him a ton). We both agree that we’re doing the right thing by remaining broken up for some time, but I’m confused about his intentions for contacting me when he was the one who said he wanted to break up. It’s only been 2/3 weeks and he’s already contacted me plenty times. I was doing great when we weren’t talking. Now all I keep thinking about is how much I miss him and want him back in retrospect. I want us to get back together when we’re ready, maybe after I finish this semester. I’m just scared that we won’t. I don’t know what I’m asking!! Lol maybe what are our chances?? Should I stop responding to him? Or should I just let our relationship rework itself into us getting back together??? The last time we talked was this past Saturday night into early Sunday morning. He was supposed to come to my school to hang out (I knew he wouldnt come so I said he could) and he never showed and I haven’t heard anything about it or from him since.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 8, 2016 at 9:51 am
Hi Nicki,
if it goes well let it, if he’s not responding then take that time to focus on yourself.. Give yourself a time on when you would contact him if he really doesn’t contact you anymore.
Sally
April 5, 2016 at 4:00 am
Hi!
I complete the NC and added two weeks, then my ex called me to give me back a money and books, so we met and everything was ok, he seems to want to touch me hug me an things…and then we started talking about the break up…and things got tense: he told me that he was ok (alone) he was going great, and he don’t want anything and ask me what i want, to come back? he said and i said that no, that i don’t know that i’m in a process…but things got really tense, and he tells me that he doesn’t wants that i cry for him. In some point, i told him that is difficult to us to be friends, cause we always had been more than friends, thing that he agreeds, so he said that we should meet to give it back our things, and laugh around…but just that, anyway he hugged me and was realy close to me…and he accompanied me to take a bus, we talk about other stuff, laugh and he hugged me again. Then i leave.
When i was in home, i send him amessage “¿You now? I it was nice to see you today and know that we can laugh again :)” And he just answered me with a “:)”
What should i do?….
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 5, 2016 at 10:38 am
That’s good.. Continue to talk to him.. send him a text after a day and then end the convo at high point.
Sobbing
April 4, 2016 at 5:29 am
I’ve gotten my ex back before by following the advice from this website a while back, but we ended up breaking again and I’m trying the NC rule right now. However, I’m not sure what would happen this time. How effective is NC on an ex the second time around?
Background info: we are long distance, dated for 7 months in total, broke up once already, him instigating breakup, broke up due to distance and lots of arguments
Did NC immediately after break up, had to change it to 21 days because ex began to blow up my phone with texts and phone calls, didn’t take long for us to get back together (2 weeks) since he was literally choking with joy when I responded to him via phone call, didn’t have to word-by-word follow the guide.
Second time break up: I instigated break up but after he agreed begged for him back- reason due to me being unhappy, still lots of arguments, his phone broke and we talked less, I grew angry and frustrated, he said he didn’t want to see me being unhappy, distance was still a problem, he said he didn’t like the fact that I’m so emotionally invested in him, said he wasn’t ready for a relationship right now due to just getting out of college and having no idea what to do with his life + trying to get enlisted in the military/travel overseas.
We ended our relationship on a very good note, we said it was best to separate permanently without further, but 3 weeks passed and I began to heavily miss him, I texted him, we restarted daily contact, tried to be friends, but our arguments from the past were still there, I was being very bratty and complaining about he wasn’t talking to me enough or paying enough attention to me, they were so bad to the point he cut contact from me after a month, I cried and begged for him back and he said we could talk, but he strictly said I need to stop my behavior and that he wasn’t ready for any kind of long term commitment right now.
My goals right now are not necessarily to be his girlfriend, but rather to 1) influence him to be open again to long term commitment 2) convince him to let me pay for a visit in September (the nearest time for us to visit)
I guess I just have a few questions.
1. I recently started NC, but as I’ve said before, we’ve broken up once and I’ve done NC before on him. How effective would it be this time around?
2. How can I influence him to be open to a long term commitment?
3. We’ve brought up visiting numerous times now, and I’ve offered to pay for his trip to me. At first he said he would think about it, but he’s always been adamant in not going saying that he doesn’t want me to waste the little money I have, and as the arguments had become more frequent, he’s been leaning more towards no. How can I convince him to let me pay for this trip?
Sobbing
April 6, 2016 at 1:42 am
So I should not bring up visiting and should just play out the strategies on this site after NC is over normally?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 8, 2016 at 11:28 am
yes, don’t pay for him.. let him do that..because even if it ends up that he really doesn’ want to go, atleast you still have your self respect
Sobbing
April 4, 2016 at 10:18 pm
I’m doing NC right now. It has happened for about 5 days. So I’m still starting with it.
I want to do it to get myself together but I also really want it to have an impact again. The problem is I’ve done NC before on our last breakup for 21 days, and this time I don’t know how effective it would be. How effective do you think it would be?
The problem is that I’m the only one available to be visited and have the finances to be able to. He just got out of college, is currently unemployed, and is working on trying to get in the military, and since I’m in school he HAS to be the one who visits me, we are on the opposite end of the country. I’m really not trying to be desperate but this is the only choice I have, and because we’re long distance I feel as though if we never meet we can never get together with it being something more stable and permanent as opposed to being it on and off like this. I really wish and want to know how to prime him into accepting my offer and make my offer look as though I’m not clingy or desperate or anything.
Do you have any advice on how to gain emotional independence? I do have to admit I’m pretty obsessed with him. I fell madly in love with him on our encounter one year and four months ago, and I haven’t felt any difference since, even after borderline traumatic experience I’ve been through with him.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 5, 2016 at 8:32 am
oh, it’s because you’re young.. it will be harder but emotional independence is being able to walk away from someone when the relationship is not healthy anymore.. That you know what makes you happy with or without him.. It doesn’t mean it won’t hurt, it will but you will choose what’s right.. if he really wants to come he’ll make a way..
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 4, 2016 at 2:34 pm
Hi Sobbing,
don’t do it.. with all the begging thay happened, you paying for him sounds desperate.. If you try to do no contact, do it to have balance woth yourself and to gain emotional independence before trying to get back or get involved in a new relationship
May
April 4, 2016 at 4:56 am
Hi,
My ex and I were together for 8 months, and have been broken up for two. He broke up with me because he “lost all romantic” feeling. We tried to work it out for a few weeks, then had a big fight and ended it.
After a week of NC, we accidentally ended up going to dinner together (we had plans to gather with our mutual friends for dinna but they all backed out by the time we were both at the restaurant) and began hanging out again.
He kept saying stuff weeks after about how he was attracted to me, wanted to hold me and kiss me etc. whenever he drank and I would blow him off on it. We ended up getting in a big fight over it about two weeks ago and both decided to not talk or see each other for a while. It’s been two weeks NC. He hasn’t seen me since.
Part of me thinks attraction was lost when I went from long hair to a pixie cut last fall. It’s at least part of it for him. I’m currently growing it out, and I can’t afford extensions. Should I do anything else? I exercise and am in a great physical shape and am clearing up my acne. Maybe eyelash extensions since I get them for nearly free at my current job?
Also, am I at a disadvantage if we both had an agreement to do NC? He also unfollowed me on Instagram and I deleted my own social media because I decided it’s unhealthy for me to Facebook.
May
April 5, 2016 at 6:01 am
Thank you for responding! We rarely fought in the relationship, but have had three big fight/talks since the breakup. He’s stressed at the end of each one how much he cares for me, and holds me for a long time and kisses me on the cheek. We both avoid confrontation, but have had only two significant fights/incidents when we were together, and maybe four or so stressful talks that never escalated into fighting. We got along very well other than those things, but he repressed a lot of things. Communication is an issue we are both aware we need to work on.
Should I do NC for over a month at this point? I am trying to accomplish and identify as an UG.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 5, 2016 at 10:50 am
Oh, so maybe that’s it. I think the communication can be more of the reason. Yes, you should do nc..
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 4, 2016 at 2:30 pm
Hi May,
I think it may more than just physical.. what about the time spent together, was it enough, did you alwayd fight? If both you agreed for nc, as long as he doesn’t know how long you will do it, that’s okay