The Guide To Becoming The Ungettable Girl- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

350 thoughts on “The Ungettable Girl”

J

October 30, 2019 at 3:32 pm

Hi,

I have completed the 30day no contact rule and worked on myself to be UG by working on myself and my mental health which included going therapy, working on my physical appearance and spent time studying. Me and my ex broke up for the 2nd time because he said he doesn’t trust me as I’ve hurt his feelings before the first breakup 6months ago. During NC I received 2 positive texts and the last one was putting the ball in my court to talk if I want to. Now NC is over should I wait for another message or not? I’m scared because of all the horrible and selfish things he said when we broke up – he knew I was going through a rough time mentally and didn’t care. I can’t tell if the message was a test or genuine care after stalking my Instagram story when I was on a night out I got a message soon after…

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 30, 2019 at 7:40 pm

Hi J, so your NC is over so you can reach out but I would do it with something asking for his advice on something you know he would be knowledgeable about (cars/movie suggestions/ tv series) something where you can send a message that would say “I need your help…” and wait for his reply. then going from there build up your friendship gradually over the weeks lessening the days you spend not texting

Your wandering soul

October 27, 2019 at 5:05 pm

Hey Chris, I don’t really get how to achieve the day dream quality. Is it just smth you have or smth you don’t have? Would lobe a bit more explanation 🙂 thank you!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 27, 2019 at 7:57 pm

Hey there, so to become a day dream quality you need to make sure you are striving to be the best version of yourself in all areas of your life and also doing things that you know he would be interested in doing. Be that a sport, a hobby or social group of sorts with mutual friends you need to make sure your life is cultivated in a way that your ex sees you as perfect for him, where you are talking often with a bit of flirting / friend zone / flirt again so that he questions if you are an option to him or not

Bajihie

September 23, 2019 at 9:02 pm

Hi Chris!
I’d like to thank you for the article. I broke up with my boyfriend about 4 months ago. He had moved to another city, and said that the stress of it all was too much. I understood, but he wanted to press on and then out of nowhere ended the relationship. My pride was hurt, obviously, but I sucked it up and moved on. He and I were close, including his parents and friends all loved me, but I was willing to move on and work on myself. Then after almost two weeks of no contact, we talked. He admitted to not being able to get me out of his head; even cried when he saw the same type of dog in his new apartment complex. He hasn’t even told his parents and it’s been a month. When I confronted him, he said he was worried too but would eventually. And then he said he needed to block me, to make things easier on himself. I wasn’t clingy, and we barely spoke. It seems as though the break-up has hurt him worse than myself.
I’m working on myself, and my graduate degree and entertaining hobbies and other dates. I just.. I want some clarity as to why he won’t just pull the plug completely?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

September 26, 2019 at 9:50 pm

Hi Bajihie, it’s a tough one to answer and its just an assumption that he may regret the break up or isn’t sure of what he wants himself. I would also assume if you wanted him back that you’re in a good position to do so.

Elektra

September 22, 2019 at 2:14 pm

So I’ve been dating this guy 2 months we’re both young we have undeniable chemistry, my kids loves him and that’s rare. He’s a gentleman he’s caring, so I was ready to have him to myself. But I admit, I’ve been entirely too clingy, and bitchy lately. Well on September 20th he told me “that he doesn’t wish to continue and that I do too fucking much” I didn’t protest, I just didn’t simply reply, I’ve started the no contact but how long should I do the no contact since he cut me off, and we haven’t been dating long? He thinks i’m irresponsible 🙁 When should I reactivate my Facebook? (I deactivated due to personal issues not because of him) he hasn’t deleted or blocked me which he has blocked me before. I want him back more than anything but this time the right way and I need to make him mine. My attitude turned him off, I need to reach my UG status.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

September 23, 2019 at 5:15 pm

Hi Elektra, you’ve actually answered your own questions. You need to be Ungettable, the UG is not clingy, or obsessive, or needy. She is in complete control of her emotions and she knows where boundaries are. As for your NC I would do 30 just because of how intense you made the relationship sound. And as for facebook, I would wait until you feel you are ready to deal with social media again.

SoLow

August 21, 2019 at 1:34 am

Wow this is such BS… You say the most important thing is personality, as it’s the constant, but you wrote the whole article on looks…which decreases as time goes on. Yeah you left me wanting more… Like the subject… Maybe take a few moments and take about what personality traits men need and desire for the long haul.
PandoraF

June 7, 2019 at 6:36 am

Very enlightening site. Thx for the articles.

Me and my ex were together just 6 months, but it was amazing. Best relationship of my life, and I’ve been married before. We had so many things in common, and such a great rapport. We would talk on the phone for at least an hour every night. Never ran out of things to talk about. Just a deep connection.

The problem is my ex had a very bad, toxic relationship before me. It was traumatic. He is also emotionally immature but I’ve only realized this through the breakup. I think his fears, that go back to his mentally ill ex, caused him to sabotage us. Becuz after 6 months he got very cold and distant, to the point that I broke up with him. I regretted it right away and a cpl days later, asked him to meet me for coffee. Which he did. And we agreed to see each other weekly but to go slowly. See each other as friends “for now” (his words.) It was very positive. I was sooo happy.

Then we went out on our first post breakup date. Everything was great til the end, and he broke down in my car and cried. Told me how awful me breaking up with him was, and how I can never do that again. I promised i wouldn’t. I was truly truly sorry. He projected his ex again…I guess I kept triggering him. I felt so bad.

After that, he got cold again. Like..he was really apologetic for getting so emotional. Honestly I was not sure if he was really ready for a relationship as it seems he has stuff to work through. But I wanted him more than anything. I am so crazy in love with him like I haven’t been with anyone, in a long time. I asked if he thought we should move on or if I should wait for him to work some of these things out. He said it wouldn’t be fair of him to ask me to wait. He wanted to move on because he didn’t want to build something just to get over his past.

I was crushed.

FF to now, 2 mos later. I tried a cpl times to get him back..the first time he just fought with me. Most recently, I sent him a love ltr telling him all the things I miss about him and how great he is (I guess that is like begging, huh). I wanted to see him on my birthday, which was today.

Not only did he not see me but he told me straight out, I don’t want to be with you anymore. I wish you would just wish me the best and hope I find happiness. He sounded like he is over me. But at the same time refuses to talk about what happened between us because he said it will hurt him too much.

I told him he wouldn’t hear from me again.

But I am devastated.

I guess it is back to NC. But honestly I have no clue what to do from there. How long before I try to contact him again? SHOULD I contact him again? I feel lost. 🙁

Chris Seiter

June 8, 2019 at 1:52 am

Hi Pandora… it seems NC is the best medicine to apply here. Good for you and the space and time can help bring things to some balance.

Ella

April 15, 2019 at 3:32 am

Hi Chris. Kind of messed up. My ex told me he was fantasising about a threesome I had mentioned when we were dating as it really turned him on.

I was initially furious as he is in another relationship, then a couple of days later teased him eg inviting him on a holiday to Spain as we both had a thing for Spaniards, which he enjoyed, then felt emotional and texted that I wanted stability and what was point of us fantasising when we were building fresh lives. Also that I remembered feeling like a woman with him and his son (ouch, I know)… Then friend zoned him in an attempt to regain a tiny bit of pride after being pathetic.

Not sure if there is any way of restoring his sexual interest after showing I was affected by his words and being so needy…
Jenni

February 22, 2019 at 1:07 am

Hello. I dated my ex back in May, and we had been talking since January. He was head over heels for me, even seeing him breakdown(on his knees in tears)over me not being sure about my feelings for him at first in the early stages of our relationship. I decided to initiate a breakup with him in July because of my insecurities about how people view me, and he decided to tell me he understood and frankly was tired of me keeping the same problems. He always told me he would fight for me to stay, so it came a bit as an eye opener that I was making the wrong choice and losing an amazing guy. However, he said he didn’t want to go back on his word and said that he liked me, but didn’t want to get hurt anymore. At the beginning of senior year, we would flirt and he would be extremely hot and cold(trying to make me jealous, trying to be intimate but I rejected it, etc.) We stopped talking after I figured out he was flirting with another girl, and it’s been 5 months since then. They started dating, but the thing is that she’s is college and so they rarely talk.. and he’s always depressed about personal things. He covers it up with his cocky attitude, and is pretty mean to me. I have a strong poker face, and I’m having fun in my life. But I do miss him. I’m not sure if they’re dating anymore, but the issue lies more of me being unsure if I should talk to him and if he might be rude for whatever reason. What should I do?
Anonyma

December 25, 2018 at 8:09 pm

After reading most of your articles when i was in road to recovery i realised that the guys i was chasing after weren’t even worth the chase. It takes alot of courage to let go and move on and this website actually helped me know my own worth and what i shouldn’t tolerate.

Chris Seiter

December 25, 2018 at 11:25 pm

Good for you! Take yourself out on a date and keep your focus on your own self discovery, healing, and seeking to be the best “you”!

Ruth nsama

December 10, 2018 at 3:02 pm

I started knowing about you when I broke up with my boyfriend. I was so desperate that I starting in on the internet to see if there was anything that could give any ideas on how to get your ex back. That the term, the law of attraction and got inrested to know what it was. When I went through I got to know about the no contact rules and came to know about you.then I I continued reading your I found the boyfriend recovery. I apply the no contact, how to be unforgoteble girl and the law of attraction itself and it worked for me and my boyfriend came back and it’s a year now we are still in love. Thanks for helping a woman like me and others in the same condition.

Chris Seiter

December 10, 2018 at 11:24 pm

Glad to her things worked out for you so well. You should be proud of yourself…because it was ALL you.

Luna

October 18, 2018 at 1:04 am

Hey Chris and team, I’ve been very depressed after my breakup and although I did not beg or plead for my relationship and I immediately implemented NC with no slip ups, I’ve done almost nothing towards becoming an UG. I’m too down in the dumps and instead I’ve been sleeping a lot and just trying to get through life. I’m just now starting to feel better. Is it okay to extend NC until I make progress towards becoming an UG? I was with my ex for 5 years and we had a great relationship and a very strong bond and emotional connection. The breakup happened 3 weeks ago and I’m therefore in week 3 of NC.

Chris Seiter

October 18, 2018 at 11:20 pm

Hi Luna!

Sorry to hear you are feeling down, but you are doing a lot of the right thing and you should be proud of that! Feel free with extending

Help

March 5, 2018 at 2:09 pm

I meant to say he wants to * focus on him self

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 10, 2018 at 8:00 am

Yes, it’s right that you ignored because keeping on talking to him after he rejected you is chasing.. Tell him being friends is not workable for you right now, thank him for everything and then restart the count of 30 days nc…

Help

March 5, 2018 at 2:06 pm

So my problem is with this guy , he isn’t an ex . We met about 5 months ago and every since we first met he’s been asking me to be in a relationship with him , since the first day ! Which I thought was moving waaaay to fast and I was still dealing with my emotions from my ex which we just ended a year and half realtionship and month before (but I thought we were going to get back toghter ) so this new guy chased me and chased me until about to two weeks ago , he finally said he’s done. At first i didn’t care until I realized how great a guy he was and he’s the WHOLE package. I think I also liked him from the beginning but was just scared to get hurt again

So about a week ago I told him I was ready to be with him and he just completely changed he told me No ! And told me how I’m selfish and think everything works on my time and how he doesn’t think we’re a match anymore and kept saying the exact same stuff I was saying to him back to me. Like he wants to touch’s on himself & would tell me you don’t like how it feels huh?

It bothered me so for two days I was trying to get him to explain his decision and to see me in person but he wouldn’t always reply(but was watching my story’s I posted) and kept blowing me off with a cold attitude

So I finally was like ok I’ll try one more time since I know I was the one who pushed him away I called and he gave me a big attitude saying how he was asleep. But he had just watched my Snapchat story 10 minutes before . I decided to leave it alone but that night he texted me and said “lol you were in your feelings all night huh “ I Never replied because I felt like that was rude that was two days ago and he hasn’t reached out to me either

& I didn’t reply because that’s just how my ex acted and that relationship took a lot out of me and I really don’t want to end up in another toxic relationship.

My friends been telling me they think he’s just getting back at me because I upset him from denying him for months but I don’t know.

I really want to try to make things work with him . I just don’t want to come off as chasing him and being needy because that’s what I did with my ex and he then started taking advantage of my feeelings .

I’ve been posting a lot on Snapchat and Instagram and he’s always one of the first to watch it.
How do I find out if there’s still a chance without chasing him ? Should I just wait until he rechases out? Did I do the right thing by ignoring his text ?
Jasmijn

February 27, 2018 at 9:25 am

My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago by deciding to go on a break because he said he needed space and time to think. We were together for almost 7 months and everything was great until he sat me down and told me that. I tried giving him space (even though we live together in student housing). After a week we spoke again and he said he made a mistake and if we could just forget everything. He wanted sex and I said ok but only if he wasn’t going to change his mind again and he said he wouldn’t. The next day he told me he wasn’t sure anymore. A few days later the exact same thing happened.

I told him we should just break up for real and not date or anything in the meantime and he agreed wholeheartedly which broke my heart. He told me he is not having the same feelings for me he had in the beginning. Tune in to a few days ago when we had sex again a few times as in just sex (I knew what I was getting into). He spend the night in my room and in the morning we had sex again. Later that day (yesterday) he told me he wanted to wait with having sex again for a few days because it felt a lot like getting into another relationship again and he is saying that’s not what he wants (not with me or with anyone because he has adhd and depression and feels like he doesn’t have the space in his head/heart for it). I felt very rejected even though I acted like it didn’t matter to me.

Next monday I am moving out. Should I just implement NC now or start when I moved out. The way he is acting now it just feels like he won’t miss me at all if I go NC and he probably won’t text me since he isn’t a texter. But then again he is used to seeing me everyday since we live in the same house and me being gone is going to be a big difference for both of us. I want to take the time to work on myself and I need the NC period to do that. It just feels like he doesn’t care at all.

What is your take in all of this? I would love some more insight than just fragments of my imagination.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 27, 2018 at 12:14 pm

Hi Jasmijn,

Staying in contact is worse.. Do nc for yourself, not for him and don’t sleep with him again. check this one:
How To Get An Ex Boyfriend Back If You Slept With Him

Jen

January 12, 2018 at 1:02 pm

Thank you. And sorry it was suppose to say blocked him. Yes he is stringing me along and I understand why he is doing it. It’s because I allowed it. Every time I get him out of my life and start to get over him he comes back. Go figure. The last time he came back he spoke about marriage. Who does that when they don’t mean it? I don’t get it. Thank you

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 14, 2018 at 10:24 pm

That’s actually common.. that’s why we move on without totally moving on because in that way, you’ve already started moving on and the decision of whether to get back with the ex or not is more rational than emotional.. When the ex senses that you are moving on, they tend to hook you again enough to keep you around, that’s why it’s important to be rational so that you’ll know when to let go if needed.

Jen

January 8, 2018 at 12:06 am

So you’re saying i should just let him go? I forgot about him completely and he came back into my life and started talking about us getting back together. Then he switched I‎t up again. Im not chasing him. I just want to know why does he come back to say these things to me then leaves again? Thank you

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 9, 2018 at 9:49 pm

I’m so sorry.. I reread your post. I misunderstood it. Yeah, you’re not chasing him but he is stringing you along. And what do you mean that you booked him?

Allison

January 6, 2018 at 2:15 pm

Chris,
Is it still possible to become an ungettable girl when you’ve known your ex for 5 years? He’s seen everything about me for the last 3 because we lived together. I am overweight and he says that is a huge part of our issues because he is not as attracted to me as hr would like to be, but do I still have a shot being the ungettable girl or is it too late?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 9, 2018 at 5:28 pm

Hi Allison,

Of course you have.. Growth and improving in life depends on you being active on it.. You can do that..

Jen

January 5, 2018 at 5:34 pm

So it’s been over a year. My ex has a new girlfriend for a couple of months now. About a month ago he found out i booked him and went crazy. Talking about how he thought about getting a ring to come back to me how he never forgot me. How he is going to break up with his girlfriend. Fast forward a month i feel like an idiot he is still with his girlfriend and he is saying he is confused and not ready he gives such mixed signals i don’t know what to do anymore. I definitely chased him when we first broke up. I don’t understand if he feels the way he feels why hasn’t he come back to me yet. Is it because he knows im around. I feel like im getting to the point where i just want to forget about him all together. What do i do?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 7, 2018 at 11:46 pm

Hi Jen,

If you’re still talking to him a year after the break up, that means you’re still chasing and it looks like he’s stringing you along…

Catherine

October 25, 2017 at 2:12 am

Chris,
I am not one to typically comment on public posts, especially of this type; however, I would like to suggest you take a second look at the way you have approached the description of an “ungettable” girl’s body.
My initial reaction to this post was to nod and agree with what you had to say until it came to a woman’s weight. I found the remarks and opinions here disrespectful, and potentially (if not definitely) damaging to women, especially those who are in an emotional state already with lowered defenses and self esteem.
The facts are this. Women should never be taught that their worth lies anywhere in their physical appearance any more than men should. Their physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual is more important than any idea of perfect someone else may hold. A woman who has lost touch with her health in one of these places should be figuring out WHY for herself, because that’s the mindset that drew the man she loved to her in the first place, and whether he comes back or not it’s healthier for her in the long term. Women are not in competition with each other and they shouldn’t be.
Not only that, but in case anyone hasn’t noticed, there are two things here to note. The first being that eating disorders are a real thing. They may be present before a relationship, women and men may be predisposed towards developing them, and they may be triggered by life events or suggestions of imperfections and the need to improve or focus on something “better.”
The other is that just as no two men are born with the same body types and designed the same genetically, neither are any two women. “Real women” are born tall, average height, short, curvy, skinny, bottom heavy, top heavy, every size and shape you can imagine. Some are prone to stretch marks, some freckle, some grey early, and every single one of them is normal and wonderful the way they are as long as they are healthy and taking care of themselves.
The same woman pictured above whom you say you would never date because of how skinny she is represents a portion of the female population who either works to maintain that weight for their occupation (by choice, and does not hurt for male company I’m sure) and also women born thin with high metabolisms and small bone structures incapable of meeting your ideal middle zone. Grace Kelly, world renowned actress and former Princess of Monaco was about 5’7 and weighed 118 pounds. By those standards she would have been too thin. I’d know, I’m 5’7 and 115 with a 25 inch waist. I also represent that select population who is thin by birth, and has no control over my size. I accept it, wouldn’t change it, and celebrate women of every body type. EVEN when I’ve been called a skinny (you can fill in this blank) and insulted under the insinuation that I starve myself or I’m on drugs.
I’ve also never hurt for male company, and I’m a girl whose gotten away for several of my exes.
In my experience, you’re right when you say personality is key. Taking care of yourself is key. But so is authenticity, passion, loving yourself (not to be mistaken for selfishness, but having an appreciation for who you are, knowing who YOU are, and what you have to offer), confidence, empathy, kindness, intelligence, respect for yourself and others, a sense of humor, being playful, and being a little hardy. Being able to tough it out, stick it out, encourage, know when to step back and let a man be a man, and when to step forward and pick up some of the weight because they won’t ask, but sometimes they NEED it.

And frankly, any guy who lets plays games and let’s you go, isn’t ready for a real relationship. Walk. Let him go. Hurt now. Heal now. Let him grow up, and if he comes back, make him earn it back. If he doesn’t, he did you a favor. Someone wise once said: there are far better things ahead than any we leave behind.
Jane

October 5, 2017 at 7:59 pm

Please send me an email to narrate my story via email not in a comment
& I will be thankful a lot

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 6, 2017 at 10:34 pm

Hi Jane,

you can email at [email protected]

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350 thoughts on “The Ungettable Girl”