Today we’re going to do something a little bit different.
Traditionally this podcast has had two formats. The first format is pretty straight forward, I take listener questions from people going through breakups and give them advice about what they should be doing in their exact situation.
And the second format is just straight one on one interviews with either people who are going through breakups themselves to help them so that you can see a live coaching session or talking to experts in other fields, or relevant fields that I think will help you.
But I think it’s important to be able to also have educational episodes and while maybe that’s not something that you were interested in hearing for a long time, like 20 minutes or 30 minutes, I’m going to try to keep these relatively short to the point and simple.
And we’re going to be covering some of the most asked questions that I’m seeing from people who are a little bit afraid to call in because they’re afraid of being featured or they’re afraid of their ex picking up on their voice, which is a relevant fear that I can completely understand.
But when I only feature people here on the podcast who have called in, one of the biggest issues is the fact that we’re only getting a small subset of the overall questions that the collective whole have. That’s not necessarily a problem that we see in the comments section of our website, in our private Facebook support groups, and sometimes even on one on one coaching sessions. So I think it’s really going to be helpful for a lot of people listening to this podcast who have always wondered how to answer some of the more relevant questions.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizHow Long Should You Be Doing The No Contact Rule For?
One of the biggest questions that I get asked so many times is,
“Chris, how long should I be doing my no contact rule for?”
And it’s a really interesting question, I think, and there’s … it used to be a simple answer.
In fact, when I first started my website, Ex-boyfriend Recovery, I would just recommend a 30 day no contact rule but as we’ve learned more advanced and improved our techniques, we’ve complicated our answer.
And to make matters worse, oftentimes we find that most of the people who come into our space and are interested in either getting over an ex or getting an ex back will also go and seek other expert’s opinions to compare them to our opinions.
And every single expert has an idea of what they think the standard no contact period rule should be or how long it should be done for. I certainly have my own thoughts and when you add in my thoughts, other expert’s thoughts, oftentimes you’re left in this crazy situation where you’re trying to determine what’s best for you in your particular unique situation and you have four different timeframes that you should be following.
Now let me tell you a little bit about how I try to approach questions like these.
I try be very scientific.
See my use of the socratic method,
You see, I feel like the one big advantage that I have over my peers is data.
I have so many people that we’ve done one on one coaching sessions with, I communicate with my coaches all of the time, I’ve done many different one-on-one coaching sessions. We have so many people talking to us, telling us about their experiences with the no contact rule in our website comment section, in our simple contact form, but most importantly in our private Facebook support group with over 3,000 members.
We’re able to see what works, what doesn’t work, and report those data … report those data points back to you essentially.
Now I also like to look at the advice that we give as a living and breathing entity. Oftentimes you’ll hear … I’ll hear from someone who’s maybe gone through our program a couple of years ago. Maybe they didn’t get their ex back or maybe they did but they went through a breakup again and then two years later they come back, and say, “Chris, why has the advice changed?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThis is different from what you said.” Well it’s because, like I said, it’s a living, breathing thing.
So if we find something that we think works better than what we previously advised people to do, we will absolutely update our website and training materials to reflect to those changes.
And one of the things that we have noticed have changed a lot over the years, especially when you’re looking at effectiveness, is the length of time you should be using a no contact rule for. Now I thought I had written a post on the website about this but I haven’t.
This is one of the reasons why I wanted to record it in podcast form because I feel like I can better communicate some of the changes and why they’ve occurred.
The Three No Contact Timelines
So the one thing that we are known for at Ex-boyfriend Recovery is this idea or this concept of the three different timelines.
Most people you’re going to run into will tell you to do the no contact rule for a month. Now some people will say 90 days, some people will say 60 days.
I’ve certainly got an opinion on those timeframes but in my opinion there are three timeframes that we have experienced the best results with.
- A 21 day no contact rule
- A 30 day no contact rule
- And finally a 45 day no contact rule.
Now the rules for how they should be applied have changed, especially from when I first introduced this concept of the three different timelines, but before we get into how they should be applied I think it’s important to understand why we don’t recommend very, very long periods of no contact.
Now for some of you you may hear that 45 day period and think, “Wow, Chris, that is extremely long.
Do I need to be in a no contact rule for that long amount of time?”
Well, believe it or not, when you compare it to some of our peers that’s actually short. I can tell you for a fact, many of our peers will recommend going into a no contact rule, dead silence, for something like 60 days or 90 days.
That’s the equivalent of two or three months of not even contacting or acknowledging your ex in any way, shape or form.
The Habit Rule
Now, why is that a bad idea?
Well one thing that we’ve learned over the years is there such a thing called the habit rule. I don’t know if that’s a scientific or technological phrase but it’s something that I often talk about and have coined that phrase.
So Google is often pretty funny.
Sometimes when you can type in to Google they come up with these things called featured snippets.
Essentially it’s their way of trying to give you a quick answer. So when you type in, “How long does it take to make a habit or break a habit?”
What used to come up was 21 days but what was happening was if you actually clicked on the featured snippet and went into the article, the article was explaining that most people believe it only takes 21 days to break or make a habit but research has found that it’s actually much longer.
In order to make or break a habit it takes 66 days.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizNow why is this an important thing to remember?
Well the important thing to remember here is that if you look at our three timeframes, you’ll notice that none of our three timeframes even come up or close to exceeding that 66 day time limit. See, our thinking is that if you ignore your ex you’re essentially forcing a habit onto him or her, right?
And so if you understand the habit rule and the fact that it will take actually 66 days to get out of the habit of talking to you and so on and so forth, you can understand why a long no contact period can actually be detrimental to your success. It won’t help you in the long run.
That’s why the longest no contact period we recommend is 45 days.
And we have certain rules and regulations about when that 45 day rule should be applied.
Now I’m going to go into those in detail in this podcast but I think the first thing we need to understand is how all of the three timelines should be applied. Now everyone has a unique different situation, in fact, that’s the number one thing I hear all the time.
Oftentimes it’s, “Hey, how long should I be doing the no contact rule?” or, “Hey, Chris, do you think I have a chance?” \But usually I’ll also hear this phrase, “Chris, my situation is unique. You’ve never heard anything like this before.”
Well let me put this in perspective for you. Over the course since we’ve been in business, I think back in 2012, 30 million men and women have visited our website, Ex-boyfriend Recovery. Roughly around 150,000 of those people have left comments on our website and every … pretty much every situation we’ve seen. There are very, very unique situations and I mean extremely unique situations that we haven’t heard.
And let me give you an example of an extreme situation.
Extreme situation is something that we could never even guess would happen. We once had a woman who came to us in a coaching session who literally told us that her ex broke up with her because his mom or someone close to him convinced him that being with her would be like being with the devil. Very religious people, I’m guessing there.
So we’ve seen situations like that. So even though you think your situation is unique, we’ve had 30 million … technically 30 million.
I mean, I guess we haven’t communicated with 30 million people but we’ve communicated with over 150,000 people and that’s quite a bit if you really think about it.
Your situation is not unique as you think, but I’m getting off topic and went into the weeds. Let’s circle this back around so that we can actually talk about the three timelines.
So we have three ideal timelines in which you should be using the no contact rule, the 21 day rule, the 30 day rule and the 45 day rule.
Now like I’ve already said, how we have recommended our clients to actually implement these no contact rule periods have changed over time. So generally speaking you’re always going to … Well I think probably the best way to do this is to tell you a little bit about each one of these no contact rules.
Who Should Be Doing The 21 Day Rule
So who is the best candidate for a 21 day rule?
Well the 21 day rule is perfect for people who have not been together for a very long time.
Now when I say that, not together for a very long time, is usually a month or less, right? And the 21 day no contact rule is also perfect for people who are in a situation where the no contact rule is working too well.
Now I’m going to get into that in a moment but let’s … now that we understand the 21 day rule, let’s jump over to the 30 day rule.
Who Should Be Doing The 30 Day Rule?
Now the 30 day rule is pretty much going to be the standard no contact rule that 90% of our clients and probably 90% of the listeners of this podcast who are interested in getting an ex back are going to fall into.
It is pretty much the standard breakup no contact rule but what you need to learn to do is you need to learn to call audibles when you’re in the middle of a no contact rule that is 30 days long.
And again I’m going to get into the audible thing because that also hooks into what I was saying with the no contact working too well in that 21 day rule that we were just talking about.
Who Should Be Doing The 45 Day Rule?
Now let’s jump forward and talk about the 45 day rule.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWho is a perfect candidate for a 45 day rule?
Well the perfect candidate we’ve found … there are two for a 45 day rule no contact, is if your ex has moved on to someone new.
Now, why?
Why do you think that is?
What we found that … We use to recommend a 21 day rule in those particular circumstances, our thinking was probably much … very much in line with the public’s thinking which is, “Hey, if your ex has moved on to someone new, you don’t want to give them a lot of time together because if you give them a lot of time together they’re going to forget you.”
But we found the opposite is actually true. If you move in too fast when your ex has moved on to someone new it can actually harm your overall chances because they look at you as a threat and it actually bonds the two of them together.
And if you really think about it, it can make sense because during a 45 day rule you’re giving your ex and his new girlfriend some time to fight a little bit, to come down off that honeymoon period of a new relationship. And remember in one of the last videos that I did on our YouTube channel, we found that the average rebound relationship length is 5.2 months.
So you need to mentally prepare yourself for … that’s going to be at least how long it takes probably for their relationship to last before a breakup occurs.
But there’s also one other circumstance in which we recommend a 45 day no contact rule.
That’s a situation where you’ve GNATTED your ex.
Now GNAT is an acronym we came up with that is basically G going, N nuts, A at, T texting.
If you went nuts at texting, and you know who you are, you’ve blown up his phone after the breakup, you cannot bear to imagine him with someone new. So you’ve blown up his phone, you’re worried, you’re freaking out. You’re having one of those moments, you’re GNATTING him like those annoying gnats that fly around your head that you can’t ever get rid of.
Even when you sprint, they seem to follow you. He just wants to get away from you.
We find in these particular circumstances, the 45 day rule is ideal.
But the new little wrinkle I’m going to add in here is this idea of calling audibles.
Don’t Be Afraid To Call An Audible During No Contact
Now what is an audible?
Well I realize I’m talking to an audience full of women who aren’t probably football savvy but in America there’s a sport called football, because I know we have a lot of audience members from Canada or from the UK or Australia where football is not very popular.
But in America it’s the most popular sport. A
nd so you get basically two teams, they line up on the line of scrimmage and then the quarterback at the last minute is allowed to call an audible. If he can look at the defense and determine, “Hey, the play we were going to run to try to advance the ball up the field isn’t going to work.
Let’s change the play at the last minute.
Maybe that will work.” So they change it at the last moment. So it’s an in the moment decision that a great leader needs to make in order to help his team win.
We found that people who tend to call audibles during the no contact rule, especially when it relates to the length of the no contact rule, tend to have better success after they come out of their no contact rule.
So what do I mean by that?
Well if you really think about it, what you really want to do is determine if you should be … The average person who’s starting a breakup should always … almost always start in a 30 day no contact rule. But you need to learn to call audibles along the way.
So how do you do that?
Well the one question that you need to ask … and think of it like one of those decision tree charts where you’re asking yes or no and you go on a different path based on if you answered yes or no. So think of it like that.
You’re starting your standard 30 day no contact rule, right? But let’s say you’re a little worried that it’s too long. Is there a way that you can shorten your no contact rule?
Well actually yes there is.
So the first question you needed to asked during the midst of the 30 day no contact rule … And remember let’s say you’re on day seven or day eight of the no contact rule, this is about when you need to start asking yourself, “Is my ex excessively reaching out to me?”
If he isn’t then you basically stay in that 30 day no contact rule. If he is you have another question that you need to answer and that is, have they contacted you with at least seven positive reach-outs?
Now this is an important thing and an important distinction to make, not all attempts to contact you are created equally.
There’s a difference between him saying, “Well, you know what? I never wanted to talk to you anyway” in the midst of a no contact rule, he’s throwing a tantrum, versus him saying, “I miss you so much. I want you back so badly,” right?
That’s a different thing. So if you’re having seven positive reach-outs and the fact that they’re saying things like, “I miss you,” or, “I want to talk to you so badly,” and you’ve had at least seven in one day alone, then you may call an audible, and shift your 30 day rule into a 21 day rule because it just shows us that the no contact rule is working too well. The 30 day rule is going to probably be a little excessive, right?
I’m a big believer in momentum, especially when it comes to the no contact rule and getting an ex back. Oftentimes if you ride that momentum you’ll find that your opportunities to get back together are much grander.
But I also like to have very strong constraints so that people aren’t abusing this audible rule because next thing I know everyone who’s doing a 30 day no contact rule will change or shift their no contact rule into 21 day no contact rule when they have no business doing it. That’s why understanding the seven positive reach-outs part of this is an important thing.
Now here’s what I’m going to do for you. Now I realized that was a lot to swallow, especially if you’re on the go, you’re listening to this on a bus, you’re listening to this on the treadmill while you’re working out or you’re doing dishes. If you’re anything like me you’re probably listening to podcasts all the time in those places. Or maybe you’re in the midst of school and just blowing it off, and listening to this.
In that case, “Hey, good for you.” But what I’m going to do for you is I realize that was a lot to take in so I’m actually going to put this little decision tree chart in the podcast show notes on our website.
So all you’ll have to do is basically go to our website, go to the podcast section on our website and find this podcast, which is basically going to be titled or sound something along the lines of, “Hey, how long should you be doing the no contact rule for?”
And then you’ll be able to actually see that decision tree chart. And then you can actually take a screenshot on your phone so that you can actually always go back and look and make a decision if you need to call an audible or not.
But I’m just going to warn you, 90% of the people who are doing a 30 day no contact rule are not going to be in a situation where they should be calling an audible. But for those of you who are, Hey that just probably means that this process will work for you a little bit better than the average person. Good job.
Stephanie
July 29, 2022 at 2:38 pm
Hello!
I initiated the break up in my situation. My ex and I have been together for 9 months now, and love each other, have amazing chemistry, similar beliefs, etc, which we both mentioned during the breakup. He used to live in the same state as me, but recently moved for his job. He’s a pilot and will based in this new state. I’ve tried communicating my needs to him, but he has not been receptive and takes it as criticism instead. Which ultimately led to the breakup since my needs weren’t being met. I still love him, and would love for things to work out between us. I know he is devastated by the breakup, but he thinks he could not provide me the attention I needed (he could, he just needs to listen to me). I’m guessing I hope the breakup will give him time to evaluate whether he’s willing to put in effort to make this work. There are lots of successful pilot relationships out there. Am I spinning my wheels here? Should I stick to the 30 days NC?
Thanks!
Coach Shaunna Nicol
August 5, 2022 at 5:54 pm
Hi Stephanie, yes continue with your NC for 30 days, your break up was valid as you wanted to have changes in the relationship that he was not willing to make.
Phaz
June 7, 2022 at 2:53 am
My girlfriend and I have been broken up for 6 months but we lived together, we went about life like we were still in a relationship but without the sex. Before taking a job in a different state that pays really well. She stated that she doesn’t trust me and doesn’t want to do long distance relationship and was focusing on herself and don’t won’t to be in any relationship with me nor anyone. I respected her wishes and relocated, now she’s calling and texting me non stop blaming me for her breaking up with me. Will the 30 days no contact work. I blocked her and I’m currently on day 7
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 20, 2022 at 7:51 pm
Hey Phaz, it seems as if she is going through the grieving process of the breakup – even though it was her decision not to be in a long-distance relationship she needs to process her own emotions. While I get that you are also going through this and it was her decision, yes NC is needed and blocking her if you cannot deal with the anger, she has it is understandable that you have blocked her for the time being. You do not mention your intentions, do you want her back or are you trying to move on too?
Tony
November 24, 2021 at 11:30 pm
Hi,
My gf of 4 years broke up with me 2.5months ago for the first month or so I tried to win her back messaging calling etc. She said we needed distance and that she wouldn’t be contacting me and she said she wanted me to move on, it’s been almost 30days no contact, however she did start dating her coworker a few weeks after the breakup. Does the 45day NC apply here or should I avoid reaching out at all?
Thanks
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 26, 2021 at 1:07 pm
Hey Tony, yes 45 day NC if you want to get her back and the being there method needs to be implemented too. Be sure to do plenty of reading and watching the videos before your first reach out.
Dave
September 12, 2021 at 4:18 pm
I have a issue with the No contact rule.
My Ex is a coworker. We work at a big plant. I can avoid seeing her but it really takes an effort on my part….
Still I find myself checking in on her by doing a drive by(walking past her work area). I know no contact means no contact but my situation is a tough one.
Any thoughts?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 16, 2021 at 7:17 pm
You would need to avoid seeing her if and when you can, if you happen to bump into her NON intentional then this would warrant a Limited no contact where you speak of business only and that is only if you must. Stop your “drive by” habit for the time being too.
Robin
March 31, 2021 at 2:06 am
Hi,
I really hope you would reply to me. I came to know about this program 3 weeks ago and after reading your articles I really have hopes to get my ex back. So i broke up with my bf a year ago and we were having a long distance relationship for 8 months …so at that time i didn’t know about the no contact rule so…I messaged and called him thousands of times and he had to block me. For 4 months he blocked me and unblocked me when I pleaded. I think after 2 months after that I called him to tell some good things that were happening to me. He reacted in a positive way. And after few weeks after that I called him to give him my new number. For a month(in Oct 2020),we texted and I was the one initiating most of the time (but the bad thing is i always bring the break up thing and ask him if he wants to get back together and he would be pissed by that.). In Nov he deleted my contact out of the blue and again i called and messaged him a lot of times and in the end of Nov he started texting me again, he told me he was busy with all his assignment and exam (he was attending a 3 months coarse at that time). And again we started to text for 2 and half months and I was the one initiating the message most of the time. Now he started to ghost me again.
I have to admit that I had been clingy and taking things too fast. At the beginning he gave me positive replies and then slowly it became neutral responses and now ghosting.(at that point i didn’t know about the no contact rule or value ladder).
So should i do the no contact rule and start trying again with the value ladder strategy. I would also like to know the timeperiod of the NC rule i should be taking. I think he has a new girlfriend now.
Robin
March 30, 2021 at 3:21 am
Hi,
I really hope you would reply to me. I came to know about this program 2 weeks ago and after reading your articles I really have hopes to get my ex back. So i broke up with my bf a year ago and we were having a long distance relationship…so at that time i didn’t know about the no contact rule so…I messaged and called him thousands of times and he had to block me. For 4 months he blocked me and unblocked me when I pleaded. I think after 2 montha after that I called him to tell some good things that were happening to me. He reacted in a positive way. And after few weeks after that I called him to give him my new number. For a month(in Oct 2020),we texted and I was the one initiating most of the time (but the bad thing is i always bring the break up thing and ask him if he wants to get back together and he would be pissed by that.). In Nov he deleted my contact out of the blue and again i called and messaged him thousands of times and in the end of Nov he started texting me again, he told me he was busy with all his assignment and exam (he was attending a 3 months coarse at that time). And again we started to text for 2 and half months and I was the one initiating the message most of the time. Now he started to ghost me again.
I have to admit that I had been clingy and taking things too fast. At the beginning he gave me positive replies and then slowly it became neutral responses and now ghosting.(at that point i didn’t know about the no contact rule or value ladder).
So should i do the no contact rule and start trying again with the value ladder strategy. I would also like to know the timeperiod of the NC rule i should be taking. Is there still chance for me if he has started to date somebody else..
Kim Geyer
December 22, 2020 at 5:47 pm
Hi, my boyfriend and I were together for two and a half years. Of the relationship, we lived together for two years. Just before we got together, he had come out of an 18 year marriage. We met and were just friends for two months prior to deciding to be in a relationship with one another. Things began falling apart when discussing marriage as he began asking to marry me after about a year and a half into our relationship. At that time, I said I wanted to marry him, but I couldn’t say yes yet as I explained that I needed him to have greater emotional connection to me and I needed him to get over his ex wife leaving as she always seemed to be the ideal. It always felt that I was the back-up. We went to therapy which didn’t help. I then got really sick and had a ton of job stress, my doctor told me I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and that I needed to get away from my boyfriend and work on focusing on me and not helping him piece together his life after divorce. When I left in May it was really painful on us both and we tried to stay friends, that didn’t last long (about a month) and then we were back into therapy working on our relationship together, this lasted 4.5 months. I thought we were making progress, but he decided to end it during the height of our therapy at a time when I thought I was pregnant. The whole weekend he talked about marrying me and being so happy to have a baby with me. The next morning, he broke up with me. Less than two weeks after this break-up, he had a new girlfriend and has been with her almost two months. Over the two weeks between our break up and meeting this new woman, he was hot and cold towards me. Then after getting my negative pregnancy results, I let him know and went no contact. He’d been dating the new girl for about 4-days at that time. He keeps randomly emailing me and when I dropped stuff at his house, I see my picture and our relationship books are still all over the place. Sadly, I’ve been weak to the emails he sends as I respond. Since breaking up 72 days ago, he has sent me four emails. The last one asking if I thought taking a trip in 2020 together would have helped save our relationship. It’s been 12 days since this last email exchange. Should I wait 30 days before contacting him or 45 since that last contact? Or do I hold out the 5.2 months of his rebound before trying to reconnect? In the meantime, I keep working on myself and improving those areas about myself that I need to. I do worry however, that he isn’t working on himself as he jumped into a rebound so fast. Thoughts appreciated.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 19, 2021 at 10:35 pm
Hey Kim, your No Contact needs to be 45 days from the last time you reached out or responded to him.
Leanne
November 22, 2020 at 8:43 pm
Hi, my boyfriend broke up with me due to his depression worsening and it not being fair on me. We were only together 3 months but we left it on good terms (called me amazing etc). I am on day 10 of NC, should I be doing 21 or 30 day? Thank you for your help
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 24, 2020 at 9:21 pm
Hi Leanne, I would follow 30 days NC as he needs space and time to work on himself. The most important thing is that you understand that this was not about your relationship, just about how he is mentally feeling right now.
Arissa
October 3, 2020 at 1:47 am
My ex and I have been dating for 7.5 months. He suddenly told me that he has no more feelings for me. He said he wanted to try again with his ex, who he was with for approx 7 years and has kids together, before me and him started seeing each other. They are currently living together. Everything was fine before this and I did not see this coming at all. We are working at the same place and he said he still wants to be friends. Will a 30 day Limited contact be enough or should I go for 45 day Limited contact?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 7, 2020 at 6:34 pm
Hey Arissa, so you need to be very limited and avoid speaking to him as much as you can in work and stick to the NC. You need to do 45 NC as he is with someone else now. However You would need to watch a video and question if you were the rebound from the ex he has gone back to, as they have children together and a long term relationship. How quickly was he with you from their break up?
Sonia
May 3, 2020 at 8:47 pm
Good afternoon! My ex who I was with for a bit over 2 years was moving on to another person and got with her soon after breaking up with me. When I tried to suggest at least being friends and expressed that after the breakup he wasn’t even properly treating me like a friend or even an acquaintance to be polite with, he didn’t even read my (long) message and blocked me on everything when I sent it to him; it is currently the 36th day since he blocked me. I know I’ve at least not gone out of my way to message him through alternative accounts or numbers, but I’m afraid that because I’m blocked I don’t have control over how long this period of no contact will be. How much time should I give it for him to reach out to me? And if he doesn’t reach out in that time, what should I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 12, 2020 at 1:04 pm
Hi Sonia, so if you remain blocked through your planned NC then you need to attempt contact through a different platform. If you get a negative response then it shows you need to give your ex more time before they are ready to speak with you, and would need to do another 45 day No Contact
laura flores
January 29, 2020 at 9:02 pm
I bumped into a friend i went to high school with on 9/30/17 we started having lunches together and after sometime starting having sex alot of sex in May till today. Our problem was my drinking and drama followed. We broke up last June and I entered rehab. I cut all contact with him for 45 days. When I reached out we meet for dinner he was sooo happy to see me and was super nervous. Well I was sober for 90 days then relapsed ugh then came the drama. I finally called in last week, but it was too late he told me he didn’t feel the same after the last fight and he is not missing me like he should. BUT he wants to be friends and cars for me which I believe
Marie
January 26, 2020 at 1:32 pm
Hi EBR team !
I started dating a man 4 months ago. We’ve know each other for more than 10 years from high school but never were so close. During these 4 months, he showed me affection, said he was really happy to see me, we went on multiples dates… I even met his friends and his co-wokers and he introduced me as his girlfriend, even if we didn’t have “the talk”.
Then, I felt like he was distant and, as I knew he had some issues at work, I gave him space. He eventually texted me but never proposed to go out and didn’t always reply. But after about a month, I freaked out a little and we had a face to face discussion. He said he was confused, that he didn’t know what to do, what he feel. That he still liked to see me and talk for hours but he was scared to lose his freedom. He also said that he didn’t have anything bad to say about me, that he appreciated my patience and all my personality, but somehow, he might not be ready. But he still wanted to stay in contact and he didn’t want to lose our moments. I let him express what he was feeling without crying nor screaming nor begging.
In fact, I did the opposite. I said it was ok, that he probably needed time alone to be ready and that the most important thing was that we were both happy in our lives. And in order to be happy, I couldn’t continue casually see him for now and wait for him to be ready. He seemed sad but agreed, saying he was hoping to see me after a certain amont of time. Then I left. I sent a last text saying I was happy we could have this mature talk and that I wishing him the best. Then I went to full no contact. It’s been 21 days now and I don’t know if I should continue or not. He didn’t reach, except a like on facebook. I learnt by a friend that he created a profile on dating app few days ago and I’m scared that he just doesn’t care. What should I do now ?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 31, 2020 at 11:08 pm
Hey Marie, make sure you read the materials here and spend some time following the No Contact Rule while working on yourself in that time
ds
December 11, 2019 at 1:39 pm
Hello,
My bf broke up with me two weeks ago and I waited a week before reaching out to him. I called him and asked if we can meet cause I had to say things that I couldn’t while he was breaking up with me, he didn’t want to meet because he said “I was just started to feel good” but I insisted and after a short argument he accepted. We met but he was so distant and annoyed which made me feel very sad and ignored. After 3,5 years of relationship he said he doesn’t have feelings for me and we have nothing in common, he said he gave me signes and he was thinking of it for a month. He said he wished he wasn’t so honest with me but he was not thinking of getting back together. And since I didn’t call him, however last Sunday we saw each other on the street and we nodded our heads as we were walking. I am not sure if I should contact him again cause he already said he doesn’t want to get back together and he deleted our photos on instagram after that day.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 15, 2019 at 6:02 pm
Hi DS, so what the meet up did was caused him to see you as needy and not over him. You need to complete a full 45 days no contact where you are working on yourself and becoming a social butterfly showing how over him you are how much fun you are having living your life. Then mutual friends and when he views your social media (which in time he will) show how great you are doing and not sat around crying over him anymore.
Shareon
December 10, 2019 at 5:31 pm
Hi EBR Team
We’ve been together for 5 years and a lot of ups and downs all these years.we had a plan to get married talking about it the last 2 years but it was postponed because his mom does not want his son to get married in this age(we are both 24 years).He is in a very stressful era of his life as we planned to move abroad for studying and he is waiting for responses.as he did not care to me and spend time like before, we’ve been to counselor and she told me whether the change in his behavior and not stepping forward for marriage is because of his mom or he does not like you anymore, he should solve his problem himself and I should not go into begging phase.she recommended me to break up and I did it.it was kind of mutual break up as my boyfriend said he would not do anything to change my mind about break up, cause he knows all his feelings will be back after a period and we had a lot of fighting about why he is not satisfying me.
I did a NC after break up,since he sent me a msg after a week asking if me and my family feel OK. Then it was my birthday in 15 days after break up and he just sent me a video of a lovely moments of ours and posted a sad video on his Instagram.
in these 2 messages he sent, I just replied so cold with one sentence and he did not say anything more than his first msg.
I would like to know should I count 30 days from the last time he reached?or should it be counted from the first day of break up.
I know we are both missing each other so bad but he is a stubborn type an I don’t know if I have to take a step or just wait
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 15, 2019 at 12:10 am
Hi Shareon so No contact will start from the last time you spoke to him, even if it was in response to his message. That would be the day you started No Contact. During no contact you need to work on becoming Ungettable so make sure you read the articles about how to do this. You need to not reply to any messages that you get from him for a minimum of 30 days
Jess
December 9, 2019 at 3:39 am
Hi,
So I had a chat with Anna, but I am left even more confused by some of my exes actions this past week. She told me 21 day would be best since we were together 3 months and he was very loving towards me and it was kind of out of the blue for him to break up with me. But he is liking every girls picture on instagram, including all of his ex girlfriend’s posts. He is also posting stories within a day or so if I post a story. I’m not sure if he is trying to show me he is moving on, or trying to make me jealous, or if I’m not even in his thoughts anymore. He has liked the pictures I have posted and usually watches my stories within 30 minutes or so. But I don’t feel special since he is obviously doing that with every girl right now. It just seems like he has changed….
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 9, 2019 at 6:13 pm
Hey Jess, so make sure you stick to advice that Anna has given to you and this No contact includes not watching his stories for now. It is a good thing he is watching your posts even if he is looking at other girls. You’re the one who he has some history with so he is going to be taking note of who is in your photos and what you’re up to. So keep posting and read up about what it takes to be Ungettable as this is what is going to make you stand out even more than the other girls he is distracting himself with at the moment
Lucy
December 8, 2019 at 11:14 am
Hi Chris,
My ex blocked me and 31 days have passed since that.. and till now he hasn’t unblocked me. I went GNAT and that’s why he pushed me away with the block. I’m even kind of afraid that he will forget he has me blocked and I think that if I text from another number I will show myself as nuts.
Right now, I see it as if he will NEVER unblock me, even if I wait till the 45 days rule.
If this happens, what do you think I should do?. Txs!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 8, 2019 at 10:54 pm
Hi Lucy so when you are blocked, does this mean you are hard blocked or soft blocked? If it is a soft block you can reach out using a different method of communication with a friendly short conversation.
EJ
December 6, 2019 at 9:55 pm
Hi! I’m now 4 days into NC (not very long I know) – what should I do if my ex messages me on Facebook Messenger? Should I open or not open the message, as it lets him know when I opened it? I won’t be replying I feel quite confident I can do this, I just want to know if I’m allowed to open the message. Thank you! P.S. this website has helped me a lot, going to go buy the texting bible now
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 6, 2019 at 10:56 pm
Hi EJ dont open then just ignore it for the rest of your No contact, that’s awesome I hope you enjoy the texting bible 🙂
Base
December 4, 2019 at 5:35 am
May I know, what to do if the guy still haven’t contact you after NC 45 days? Should I initiate contact with him? He has contacted once during the NC period asking about where I’m up to. And I haven’t responded back since then. What shod I do after NC for 45 days? Stay UG or initiate contact by responding to his messages regarding weeks Ago? Or Will he make contact on his own again?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 6, 2019 at 8:42 pm
Hi Base, so yes you reach out with an interesting text to break the pattern, catch his interest with a sense of mystery, have a short friendly conversation and you need to end the conversation first. There is plenty of articles about this and also YouTube videos on Chris channel for you to prepare for this text. Also do not bring up a message from the past, this is you re building your connection and getting to know each other again on a positive note
Anon
November 30, 2019 at 7:19 am
hi i broke up with my bf and we have a child together i kicked him out of my apartment because he wasnt respecting my decison of celebrating holiday with his familly a another day because one of his family disrespected me and didnt support me and wasnt on my side and i let him go i havent contacted him since tuesday until i visited his other side of family that invited me granted he doesnt get along with them and he ended up showing and thank me for letting him see the baby and that we should talk another time and he texted me again that if we can talk on friday when should i start no contact
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 1, 2019 at 12:58 am
You need to start limited no contact now, where you would only speak with each other about the shared child. Giving your reason for ending things I dont see him seeing your point of view straight away so stick with it for the time being. As for the disrespectful family member, be mindful not to speak ill of them as this will only make you appear as the bad person in the situation. Deal with it all as gracefully as possible
Anna
November 29, 2019 at 8:18 am
Hey! My girlfriend left me two weeks ago after 2 years and 2 months together. I was doing the no contact and I was already a week in this monday. Up to that point, she had texted me and I managed to ignore her. But on monday she decided to call me and I didn’t even think about the consequences so I picked up the phone. She said that she was missing our dog and she wanted to see her. And she also mentioned she wanted to talk to me about a letter I gave her when starting no contact (which said that I hoped it was for the best and that I was okay). I told her I needed time and we could see each other later on. But she insisted and finally we agreed to get in touch this weekend so we could arrange a day for her to meet me and the dog.
Up to that point, I was feeling better everyday and was improving myself, but after her call I couldn’t stop thinking about her and on thursday I sent her a message saying that it was okay to meet because the dog missed her too.
Right after texting her I regreted what I had done. And now I don’t know what to do, because I’ve started no contact again and don’t want her to think I’m an ass for saying we should get in touch and now not doing so and ignoring her.
I came up with the idea of simply not picking up the phone and having the internet switched off (and it wouldn’t be too weird because actually I’m waiting for a new phone and I was expecting to change it this weekend).
Also, I am confused because she’s still in the whatsapp group of my family and everytime I post a Story on Instagram she watches it. Even a week before the breakup she gave me a present, a sexual toy, and we made the dog a collar with both our phone numbers…
I love her, I really do… And even tho these coupke weeks I’ve been thinking about our relationship and noticed the ‘bad’ part that lead her to leave me I’m sure that if we ever get back together it would be a totally different story because I’ve learnt from my mistakes
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 1, 2019 at 10:29 pm
Hi Anna, so overall it does not sound that bad if I am honest it sounds like she may be open to getting back but you do need to give it some time where you are doing a proper no contact and giving that space between you so that the “bad” times can be forgotten about and gives her a chance to miss you, not just the dog. You can do what we call a limited no contact, where you can speak about the dog and make arrangements for her to have the dog and you leave her to it, and then collect the dog later time. This isnt breaking no contact as long as you do not speak about anything else in the mean time, especially relationships emotions and the break up