What Does It Mean When My Ex Randomly Texts Me?- The Definitive Guide

242 thoughts on “What Does It Mean When My Ex Randomly Texts Me?”

Mo

June 20, 2016 at 8:47 pm

Hey Chris!
My boyfriend and I broke up mutually after 6 months of dating. We both made no contact after one month of the break up. I realized I wanted him back so I texted him a long letter pouring my heart out to him saying I wanted him back but if he didn’t feel the same way then I needed to know so that I can move on. He replied saying that he didn’t feel the same way and that I should get with someone else, specifically a guy he got jealous of during our relationship which was part of the reason we broke up. I replied explaining myself and that I’ll be praying for his happiness and that was that. I had seen him at a homeless feed a week later in which he had come up to me saying it was so nice to see me and that it has been so long. He continued with the small talk the whole time and would stay by me the whole time. After that he had never contacted me. But 2 weeks later I had seen him at a wedding in which he definitely saw me but didn’t say hi or anything. My family was also there. Still no contact from him but a week later he texts me out of the blue asking how I was. I didn’t reply till three days later and he tells me that he just wanted to apologize for everything. I ask him for what exactly and he says for how he reacted to my letter and that he’s sorry it didn’t work out and that if I ever needed anything I could ask him. I replied saying that I hearing this over and over again and that what’s done is done. Apologizing isn’t gonna fix anything. But I told him that I already forgave him and that he was pulling up old scars for no reason.. Bye. He replied saying I apologize, bye. I replied once again and told him that he had burned a place deep within my heart that will take time to heal and that him bringing up the past isn’t gonna help.. And he replied saying ” so you didn’t do nothing huh?” I replied a while later saying that I know I have hurt him and that I regret it completely. I told him that people make mistakes but he was never one of mine. And that he is and always will be in my prayers. And then I said goodbye. He read it but didn’t reply. But the next day I see him coincidently at the same restaurant I went to eat at. He said hi to my sister but didn’t say hi to me. I didn’t even look at him of course and I pretended he wasn’t even there even though he was sitting at the table next to us. He hasn’t contacted me since. I’m just wondering why after so long he apologized. Why did he have to bring ul everything all over again especially if he knows that I’m not over him? It just hurts so much and it doesn’t help that I’m so confused. Please help! Thank you:)

Mo

June 23, 2016 at 11:57 pm

How I reacted to what exactly? His apology text message? How should I have approached it instead?
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 22, 2016 at 6:07 am

Hi Mo,

I think he didn’t expect you to react thw way you did..

chris

June 20, 2016 at 8:10 pm

Hi, sorry a little more background. …was in 7 month relationship, both ~40 yrs old. Month 6, bf said he wasn’t sure about relationship in terms of where he felt he should be after that time (not really clear). Our conversation abruptly ended at that and I said I understood and he left. Two days later we talked and we agreed to try (we both cried). 1 month later broke up with me still vague reason – I’m guessing loss of attraction or maybe he feels we’re incompatible don’t know it was not clear I’m guessing. Met up 2 weeks after bu to try and get him to articulate why (yes a mistake) was still vague. A week later sent him text for bday and he replied enthusiastically. Since then did NC for 30 days since that text which was ~4 weeks after bu. Did 30 NC, sent text last week with positive reply. Now going to try and text him more. BUT he’s back on dating app and very active as of last week I was told by someone who’s on the app too. In your experience, does ex have any chance when he’s already pursuing other women? He doesn’t know that I know his dating profile is active again, by coincidence he reactivated when my NC was going to be finished. Any thoughts on whether the success is now considerably diminished? Thank you.

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 22, 2016 at 5:58 am

Hi Chris,

it depends on how much you improved and how he views you compared to the other girl.. the good thing is that you have memories and you already know what he wants, so use that.

chris

June 20, 2016 at 8:00 pm

Hi, was in 7 month relationship, both ~40 yrs old. Month 6, bf said he wasn’t sure about relationship but we continued to try. 1 month later broke up with me. Did 60 NC, sent text was positive reply. Now going to try and text him more but he’s back on dating app and very active. In your experience, does ex have any chance when he’s already pursuing other women? He doesn’t know that I know his dating profile is active again, by coincidence he reactivated when my NC was going to be finished.

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 22, 2016 at 5:58 am

Hi Chris,

it depends on how much you improved and how he views you compared to the other girl.. the good thing is that you have memories and you already know what he wants, so use that.

Jf

June 20, 2016 at 11:59 am

Hi,
So we have been texting for nearly a week after NC .. He text me twice in once night and I ignored him so he text the next day saying telling him to go away would have been more polite then ignoring him. I replied I wasn’t ignoring him I had just been unwell.. He wished me well and we carried on texting. I know he was off work to watch the World Cup the next day so had been drinking pretty early, he hasn’t how I was feeling I said fine and was going out with friends. He carried on texting and because I was out I was taking my time replying. Long story short he said sorry for everything ( but not that he wanted to see me or wanted me back ) I replied he didn’t need to be as no one should be in a relationship they don’t want, he said he really missed me but by this time I guess he was really drunk. Anyway we have text everyday, on Saturday I made a effort not to message him but he messages me later on in the evening. I’m stuck where to take things from here. I don’t want to scare him off by asking to meet up but at the same time I want him to still know I’m interested?

Jf

June 23, 2016 at 7:56 pm

I’m really confused how do I seem aloof and build attraction at the same time?
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 27, 2016 at 10:21 am

If you’re busy with activities, that means you won’t always be available.. and when you are available to talk to him keep it short and fun.
Jf

June 22, 2016 at 9:06 pm

Since I wrote this original comment there have been a couple of days where no text have been sent by either of us, I tend to wait for him to contact me first. He has no social media so the only way he knows what I’m doing ect is if I tell him, he might ask how I am or how my weekend was but obviously that doesn’t mean he gets to see me ( in photos or whatever ) we didn’t really call each other much so I don’t think phone calls will happen, more likely to arrange a date and meet up rather then chat on the phone. I feel we are kinda going backwards. I know he’s subon so if I ignore him or wait too long to reply he will just huff and I won’t get a reply at all?
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 21, 2016 at 7:55 pm

Hi JF,

he has to be the one that should be interested in you.. NOt just him knowing you’re interested.. You have to build attraction through text, so that you can proceed to calls and then you build more rapport and attraction before asking to meet up.

ConfusingTexts

June 19, 2016 at 1:41 am

Hi Amor,
My ex seems to be sending me flirty boredom texts. As Chris suggested I use to them to keep the conversation interesting. End it early etc. But here is the thing with his boredom texts. He flirts and uses sexual innuendos a lot but then he says “oh I’m just keeping you entertained until you find a new man”. Is this somehow saying he is doing this because he feels bad for me? I did do NC and started building rapport. At first he used to be angry for no reason at my text but now the texts have become much more friendlier and he initiates them a lot. So I am not quite sure why he was text me and keep making it seem like he is doing me a favour to help me move on. Is this a bad sign?
ConfusingTexts

Confusing texts

June 21, 2016 at 11:16 am

Hi Amor,
Thanks a lot for your reply. Appreciate it! Yes you are right. I am getting sloppy about working out. I should do it more. Perhaps I did not heal as well and need more time for myself. Most of the exchanges have been positive and fun these days between me and my ex. We did meet a few times n they were fun and flirty but casual meet ups.

I actually have some questions about dating others that I will just ask here and deviate from the topic a bit. I am finding it extremely difficult to date again. I am actually seeing someone from another department of the organization I work in for the last 2 months (broke up with my ex four months ago) but ofcourse I keep it more light and casual with my colleague. Now I have been very hesitant to tell my ex directly that I am seeing someone. I did hint it as “oh I have plans today to go to the zoo with my colleague” etc. but I ended up denying they are dates when he asked if they were in the fear of losing him. He said he was taking partner dance lessons hoping to meet other girls but couldn’t meet anyone.

I am finding it especially hard to date or really build any kind of rapport with other potential guys especially after reinitiating contact with my ex after a month of NC. He sends very frequent and flirty texts about an imaginary future together or a reference of something from the past or of some imaginar sexual escapade etc. and then says like I said before its to keep me entertained. Before my colleague I briefly dated two other guys (one for a month who even came to a holiday with me and my friends during the first NC and asked me to be his girlfriend and I felt awful turning him down but I just didn’t connect) and another for just a few dates. Should I just directly tell my ex I am seeing someone else and not to send me flirty texts with such content? I don’t want to push him away completely and I still do want my ex back. I don’t really want or need to build rapport with anyone else but I just feel concerned that I am unable to let in or connect with any other potential guys and keep comparing them to my ex in my mind. I also feel a little bitchy stringing along other guys and never connecting with them on any level. Should I do a NC again with my ex just to let myself heal ?
Eagerly awaiting your response
Confusing texts
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 21, 2016 at 9:58 pm

if you’re done with nc. just continue connecting with your ex.. and then just go out with your friends instead of doing one on one dates so, you’re not confused.
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 21, 2016 at 6:35 am

Hi Confusing texts,

hmm.. could be just an excuse.. have you continued the activities you started nc to improve yourself? Are there more positive exhchanges between you? I think you should start dating others as a jealousy move too

Rachel

June 18, 2016 at 6:09 pm

Hey Chris and Amor,
I’ve posted on this site before. To recap- my ex and I were together for 5 years. He got a case of GIGS and broke up with me. He is now seeing his coworker and has admitted to me recently that the two of them have nothing in common and they always fight (apparently she’s extremely jealous of me and the fact that he still keeps in contact with me). My ex sends a lot of mixed signals, texting me one day about how he misses me then the next day boasting about his new girl (who he refuses to post pictures of or make “Facebook official”)… I get the sincere impression that he is confused. My question is how do I handle his mixed emotions? Him and I have had sincere conversations but still he doesn’t know what he wants.
Thanks,
Rachel

Rachel

June 21, 2016 at 1:37 pm

Amor,
Unfortunately, I have used jealousy in the past and it completely backfired. It’s been 5 months since the breakup and I’ve feel like I’ve tried every option. Now I keep thinking that my hands are somewhat tied because I’be tried everything. It also comes down to the fact that if he breaks things off with this girl it will 1. Get awkward at work and 2. He will lose a whole group of “friends.” I don’t think he’s willing to make the sacrifice. Maybe this situation is a little helpless lol.
Thanks again,
Rachel
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 19, 2016 at 12:32 am

maybe he’s trying to make you jealous.. try to go out in dates but don’t post too forward pictures of the date..

Meagan

June 18, 2016 at 7:48 am

Hi, I done NC rule twice and both times he went crazy and I just start talking to him again… My mistake, but after second time I told him that I don’t want him as a friend and now I won’t talk to him like… ever. Since then there is no attempt of communication with me…
I had to break NC rule after two week as I found out about illness which could affect him to,, but U kept talk just about this and didn’t contact him since (not sure if to start counting again NC rule or keep it going, but soon will be 30 days and still no sign of him…)
Not sure what to do, gonna read your book but I feel like I totally blow my chances by the first couple times and that I told him I wont walk to him…
I know he got tinder etc, he probably became a player but he doesn’t fit to your description as he never ever pushed me to having sex with me and actually It was me most of the time trying to get any.
Maybe that is what scared him off…
Anyway, is there anything I can do?
I am still thinking I probably should keep NC rule up to 45 days and then try my luck?
Or its a time to move on as I blow my chances…?

Meagan

June 19, 2016 at 8:53 am

Hi, no te 2nd NC I broke after a week and then We met he said he wants to be just friends and then I just said that its not enough for me and I have to get over him and I told him that I won’t talk to him ever.
We spoke about my illness after two weeks from the day I told him I won’t talk to him but we just spoke about that and that is it. He doesn’t try to get in touch with me… In couple days will be 30 days since then, his birthday is coming and I am not sure what to do.
To be honest I have feeling like I won’t have any chances to get him back. The first two times of NC rules were going perfect but I wasn’t strong enough. Maybe by now we could be together.
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 21, 2016 at 3:45 pm

don’t rush it.. if his birthday is after nc, then it’s ok to greet him.. continue the activities you started during nc and then slowly build rapport with him.
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 19, 2016 at 12:05 am

Hi Maegan,

sorry I don’t understand.. you said you broke the 2nd bc too after two weeks right? what happenend after?

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 17, 2016 at 11:10 am

the nc wouldn’t have the same effect if it’s done always.. take advantage of the time that he always replies and then avoid texting him in the evenings.. it’s ok to take a rest every now and then but a full nc depends in the situation
ch

June 17, 2016 at 2:50 am

So my ex broke up with me three months ago and recently have been texting me saying things like ” how are you doing?” and “youre beautiful” I haven’t answer any of his text nor do I plan to. After the last text I blocked him because I don’t want him in my life at all. My question is why do you think he’s texting me when he broke my heart months back?

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 18, 2016 at 3:03 pm

Hi Ch,.
it looks like he’s interested in you

J

June 16, 2016 at 6:25 am

My ex of two years, texted me, asked for my email address, and said he found something of mine and wanted to send it to me.
It was a three year old resume?????
I asked if he was just trying to stay in contact with me and his reply was that he was just being nice.
This is the guy who abruptly ended a 10 year marriage and wanted nothing to do with me.
Huh????
Alexandra

June 15, 2016 at 2:36 pm

Hi, I had a 1 year and a half relation and my boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago because he feels there’s no connection between us, that I don’t understand him, that he feels we’re on different state of minds, he is jewish and i’m from romania and he wants to marry a israelian girl that lived in his country and shares the same values and customs and she understand the life here, he wants the grandparents of his children to be in the same country, he doesn’t want to wait me 5 years till I finish my conversion to marry me because he wants children in 2-3 years (jewish are not allowed to have children before marriage and he wants jewish children), and he sad he’s in peace with his decision, with our breaking up, and he asks me to understand him because I’m not for him and he can’t lie to himself anymore, that he gave all he could in this relation… He told me this very calm and rational…

This is the second time he breaks up with me, first time it happened last year after 4 months of relation. We’re still living in the same house, how can I deal with the test messages that he sends me during day? If I don’t answer he asks me in the evening why I didn’t answer, why should I tell him?

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 17, 2016 at 7:16 pm

Hi Alexandra,

I think the real reason is the first reason you said in your first comment, when he said the problem is communication and that he thinks you don’t understand him because if it’s really religion, it doesn’t match up with what you said that you’ve always said you were open to converting. So, it looks like he’s just using that as an excuse..

Do nc first.. Improve yourself emotionally, physically, socially and when you get to talking again, don’t bring up past issues. Just concentrate on building rapport again with him.

Gina

June 15, 2016 at 12:12 am

I broke up with my boyfrnd bcoz he was not making any commitment even after 3 years. I felt kind of used even though I loved him and he loved me. I tried to make him understand that I want his commiment, and although he wanted me in his life he did not want to commit. So ultimately I put an end to it and moved on. Altho I did not love anyone else and cud not date anyone else. I was single and was not emotionally prepared for any other relationship. However, my ex wud check up on me and send a mail each month or wud msg me, to which i wud never reply. After almost an year of break-up last night he sent me 4 mails, He wrote to me that he missed me and that it is painful for him, and that he loves me still and respects me a lot. He wrote down each and every memory we had and a pic from our past. Pls tell me his motivation and why is he sending me such a mail, even tho he humiliated me once in front of my frnd when my frnd asked him, “what are his motivations for me”.

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 17, 2016 at 8:35 pm

Hi Gina,

do you want to move on from him or do you want to give him a chance? because if you want to move on from him, just ignore him. If you’re really curious, ask him why he’s doing what he’s doing.

Gene

June 14, 2016 at 10:00 am

I am currently on NC now for almost 3 weeks and my ex has been texting me but not everyday, text msgs such as Hey and my name. However in that span of NC he’s also posting a girl on FB. And he seems inlove.he also posts song lyrics but i doubt it was for me. We were together for 2 years and those were a majority of happy memories. It was just this year we had a rough one. He also likes my fb posts, tweets, pictures and views my snapchat stories. I really want us to be together again but it seems like he doesnt pay respect towards me because it was only a month since our break up but he already has a new girl but im not really sure if they’re official already. But if ever he’s happy with her, why does he keep on contacting me? Just yesterday he texted me to reply him and he also called once. Do u think he still has feelings for me? What should i do?

Gene

June 20, 2016 at 5:27 am

I just found out that they’re official. And i think while we were still together he has been dating her. Honestly it hurts but acceptance is a must. If he really loves me, he’ll fight for me and for us but he never did. I had enough this time. I dont trust him anymore. Any advice Amor/Chris? 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 21, 2016 at 7:08 pm

If I was in your case. I would move on.. What’s your decision?
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 17, 2016 at 2:58 pm

Hi Gene,

don’t reply.. the girl might be a rebound but rught now, he might be wondering why you’re not replyig..that’s good.. that lets him miss you

Danielle

June 13, 2016 at 7:55 pm

Hi, Chris!
So, here’s my dilemma:
My ex and I broke up last year, like in late May. We both unintentionally did the “No-contact” rule. We still go to same school, mind you, so we saw each other often (read: saw and not actually talking) and after about twelve months, he found a new girl. Of course , hit me like a ton of bricks, because I love him, and he knows that. My ex told me he doesn’t love me anymore (hence why HE broke up with me) and he just proved his statement by moving on. The thing is, he and I started texting each other recently, and his girlfriend doesn’t know that. So, while we text all friendly, I on the other hand are getting false hope. I was warned not to delve in too deep but….I would say he and I started to text each other daily, and teasingly flirt with each other. I don’t know if it’s mind games, or if that’s just the way he is…but I know his gf won’t be happy about it, I’m not since I truly love him and yet he continues.
Any advice?
Thanks!

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 17, 2016 at 12:51 pm

Hi Danielle,

if yo can’t handle the game, don’t play it.. If you still want to try, aim to be the ungettable girl while you’re talking to him

ash

June 12, 2016 at 1:21 pm

Hey guys ,
Your advices helped me go through my last breakup and I’ve been doing no contact for a month right after the breakup.
During the no contact , he liked my pictures on facebook and sent me an invitation to use badoo… And recently ( after a month ) he was trying to get my atention by sending me pictures and watching my snaps everyday. I kept ignoring him until he sent me another picture on snapchat with a comment “me with your face” ( he used a snapchat filter to change his face with a picture of mine) . I responded the day after with just a laughing smiley and since he saw it, he disappeared.
I think he wanted to check if I was mad at him. Do you think I should talk to him or ignore him until he decides to send me an actual text ?
Thank you again for your advices here !

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 17, 2016 at 9:57 am

Hi Ash,

it’s ok to initiate a text if you want to

A

June 12, 2016 at 8:29 am

Hi Chris,

I’ve been doing the NC rule and am into my 23rd day. My ex and I were only tgt for less than a month and the cause of our breakup was an argument. My ex kept apologising during our argument but I was adamant and so stubborn and kept going. When I sent him a Long text explaining myself, he told me he was confused and wanted to be single and alone first. He didn’t want a relationship anymore right now. His exact words. I asked if we could remain friends, to which is replied of course. We spoke normally after that and he kept calling me babe and had sent emojis like he did before.
Basically our arguments were always about him being to busy to meet me. Do you think I still have a shot in getting him back?

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 17, 2016 at 9:30 am

Hi A,

I think so, if you can build up rapport slowly ovwr time

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 12, 2016 at 3:03 am

Hi Jojo,

sorry for the late reply.. Basically it looks like you’re good at what texts to send but you have to work on how you end the convos. You can pre-empt him at what you were doing at the start of the text, like what you did in one of your texts, and then say good bye right after the last high point text you end before he replies.
And about jealousy, it’s felt when you’re about to lose someone you like.. Of course I know you know that, I just want to assure you that he’s human, he will feel that. Especially if you’ve been maintaining yourself and you kept improving even after nc.. start to go out more with your other friends and be active in posting it.

when he talks about himself all the time, as in all the time and it’s always all about his feelings not just about what he’s doing, then he is using you as emotional support. But humans always like talking about himself, so use that to your advantage.. be his go to girl to one of his interest, so that he would be interested in you or be interested in it so that he would be willing to share
Nkuli

June 11, 2016 at 11:42 pm

I Forget to ask, my ex bf believes strongly in commitment… This bothers me because I am afraid by the time I am done with NC he would have fallen in love with this girl. He goes in deep into a relationship and believe me, this is no excuse for me wanting to end

NC but do you think NC might limit my chances of getting him back? This is our first break up… I feel like I should act quickly.

PLEASE HELP

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 17, 2016 at 7:15 am

Hi Nkuli,

if you react to that, his tactics worked and it got you to chase him.. so stay strong in nc because the onmy reason that you could break it is if he says he’s breaking up with her because he wants to fix things with you

Nkuli

June 11, 2016 at 11:36 pm

I Forget to ask, my ex bf believes strongly in commitment… This bothers me because I am afraid by the time I am done with NC he would have fallen in love with this girl. He goes in deep into a relationship and believe me, this is no excuse foe me to end NC but do you think NC might limit my chances of getting him back? This is our first break up…

3 questions
1. Is this a rebound relationship?
2. does that text mean I’ve lost him for good?
3. Do I have to act quickly by ending NC before he falls in love with the new girl?7
Nkuli

June 11, 2016 at 11:13 pm

Hi Chris,

My bf of almost a year broke up with me… well I ended things, called him the next day telling him I made a mistake, I apologize and would like us to get back together. uhmmm he suddenly was unsure about us getting back together and was avoiding this matter by being cold, not answering some of my calls and texts for a good week. Then he came to my place asking for his house keys and it hit me that this person is clearly not giving us a chance. I begged and pleaded and it just didn’t seem to work. I just could not how someone could change so drastically overnight, until he told me that on the night I broke up with him he was so HURT… in his vulnerable state, he called an ex he dated 8 years ago, off loaded and well the ex happened to be there to comfort him and she happened to be single and they left together on the night, slept together and they’ve been seeing eachother a lot on that week.

You can imagine how my heart sank. lol…it still feels like a dream. I don’t know if this is a rebound or not as it’s been 3 weeks since our break up and they’re still seeing each other. On the 2 week she posted a picture of their sneakers on fb with the caption “Love has paid me a visit, thank you love” -feeling in love. This was a shock as my ex told me that he hasn’t even told her he loves her but they seem to be moving too fast. Could this be a rebound relationship?

So my ex and I were constantly chatting after our breakup. uhmm the first few days he was basically trying to rub it in that he’s happy and has moved on then the last few days he suddenly the one calling and initiating conversations. Telling me he misses me and thinks about me a lot but can’t have two gfs. To me that showed that he might be a bit confused. He went on by saying we can be really good friends, call, text and go out. I did not really warm up to the friendship idea and told him I need some space and time to accept that he has moved on, so I would like to do the same without him standing in my way. He wasn’t pleased to her this, I asked him to bring a few items that I left at his house he dragged the process (I think he wanted us to be in contact) I finally decided to let him keep them and began NC immediately. I’m currently on Day 6 and this is such a difficult process.

on Day 2 he called me 3 times (twice in the morning and I received another call in the evening) because we did not block each other on social media, he obviously saw I’m ignoring him. (he hasn’t posted any picture of this girl either, I find it weird as she has already posted) Anyway, he called me again on Day 4, it ran for a few sec, almost like he had anticipated that I might not answer. Day 5 he sends a message which was based on a conversation we once had after our break up, he has two beautiful kids and I had a really good relationship with them. So he had promised to bring them over so I can say goodbye to them. This was he’s text “You haven’t answered you cellphone for a number of days now. Wanted to grant you an opportunity you asked for, to say goodbye to the kids. Anyway it’s all good”.

In the types of texts you mentioned I could not identify one that could be similar to this. I am very much confused. It is very formal, can’t really get his mood and feeling from it. if anything It makes me feel like I’ve lost him FOR GOOD. Is this a good or bad sign? should I give up? what should I do? Please help *sigh*

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