One of the hardest parts of dealing with the Ex Boyfriend Recovery process is dealing with an ex who is distant. It’s hurtful – one day the two of you are sharing everything together and he is your best friend, and the next, it’s like he’s a total stranger.
There are a number of reasons why your exboyfriend may be acting distant, and we’re going to explore them in a minute, but first I wanted to remind you that in the immediate aftermath of a breakup, distance is a good thing. You both need it to reflect and try to process the new changes in your life, now that you are single again.
And if you know you want your ex boyfriend back, distance is absolutely necessary to reset the stage for the rest of the process of trying to get him back. No Contact lays the groundwork so that you can build upon it throughout the time you are building rapport and trying to secure your ex back as your boyfriend again.
So though it is hurtful to see your ex maintaining distance, there are upsides to it, too.
Reason 1: He’s Maintaining Distance So He Can Settle into a New Pattern of Not Being With You
People are habit forming. So when someone disappears from your life, it packs a huge punch, and (as has been mentioned before on this site) is akin to the feelings of an addict going through withdrawal. This is one of the things that makes No Contact so effective.
Men tend to process things more logically, rather than emotionally. They have a tendency to try and go through traumatic events looking at things through a logical lens, and try to push away emotional responses.
After our breakup, my ex immediately jumped into spending time with his friends. He kept himself so busy that he didn’t have time to think about, or be emotional about our breakup. He was doing something that a lot of guys do after a breakup, and that was to distance himself emotionally from me so that he could adjust and settle into a new pattern of not being with me. I was a part of his life every day for a long time, and all the sudden, he changed the terms of our relationship, and had to face the repercussions.
Guys hurt after breakups too, though in different ways, and they don’t always express it as openly. In fact, they rarely do.
Some signs this may be the reason for his distance may be: if it’s pretty close to the time when you broke up, if he seems to be struggling, or if he’s nice when you do interact, but tries to keep that to a minimum.
If this distance is occurring immediately or within a month or so after the breakup, it is normal and you yourself should mirror his actions, because you need some distance too. Embrace No Contact. Throw yourself into activities to focus on you. Take the time to regain some self-esteem that was lost over the course of your heartbreak.
Distance at an early stage is a good thing. I know seeing your ex pull away from you hurts when the two of you were so close before, but trust me that he needs this distance to see the value you brought to his life, and you need the distance to see your value again.
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Reason 2: He Cares and He Doesn’t Want to Let Himself Care
It’s very unlikely that your ex’s feelings for you evaporated overnight and that he just no longer cares about you. It’s more likely that he still cares about you on some level.
But maybe there are reasons the two of you broke up in his mind (valid or not) and he is being stubborn and sticking by his decision. He could be being distant because it hurts to not be distant.
Think of Buffy and Angel in season 3 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Their relationship in season 2 didn’t exactly work out for the best. They try to maintain a friendship, but they both still care deeply about one another. After some time of this grey area and back and forth, Buffy sets some boundaries in “Lover’s Walk” and they have this exchange:
Angel: Hey. I was wondering when you were coming.
Buffy: I’m not coming back. We’re not friends. We never were. And I can fool Giles, and I can fool my friends, but I can’t fool myself. Or Spike, for some reason. What I want from you I can never have. You don’t need me to take care of you anymore. So I’m gonna go.
Angel: I don’t accept that.
Buffy: You have to.
Angel: How can… There’s gotta be some way we can still see each other.
Buffy: There is: Tell me that you don’t love me.
(He is silent, looking at her painfully. She walks away).
Ouch. But do you see what I mean? There are very important reasons why they can’t be together (I could go on and on, but I won’t because – spoilers). They love each other very much, but at base, they are too different, and ultimately their lives are not compatible.
The same could be true for your ex (though I am positive it is not so life-and-death / end of the world). It may very well be that he still cares about you, but can’t reconcile the idea of trying again with the decision that he already made logically, so instead, he pulls away.
This could happen in the immediate aftermath of the breakup, but it could also happen as you are texting, meeting up, and developing general rapport.
As I’ve mentioned, men are logical, and so if he feels himself starting to care about you again, or maybe part of him is questioning if he made a mistake, he may try to shut down his emotions. And an easy way to do that is to act distant with you.
This is pretty typical of rubber banding (a theory you should definitely google as soon as you’ve finished with this article). When men feel themselves starting to get emotional or attached, it scares them, and so they pull back out of fear.
Give him the space. Don’t go crazy texting him and asking him why he’s ignoring you. Give him the time and space to process his emotions.
He’ll be back. They always snap back.
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Reason 3: Trying to Protect Your Feelings
Your ex knows that he hurt you when he broke up with you. It is likely he has and will continue to experience a lot of guilt as a result.
There are always power dynamics at play in relationships, and that remains true, even after a breakup. When your ex ended things with you, he took the power. Good guys are aware of this shift in power dynamics and will try to give you both space – for both of you to heal.
In the Facebook support group, I see a lot of situations where men break up with their girlfriends and then try to get a friends with benefits situation off of the ground. This always infuriates me, and my advice is usually always to let that guy go.
These men don’t understand the shifted dynamics of power. Or worse, they don’t care.
If your ex is distant and you sense (or maybe he even told you) that it was for your emotional protection, he’s a good, sensitive guy who understands that he hurt you, and is keeping his distance for your sake.
Reason 4: He’s Seeing Someone Else
Ah yes, the dreaded “other woman” scenario.
Yes. It could be that your ex has moved on to someone new and that is why he is maintaining his distance.
It could be something he is choosing to do himself, out of respect for his new relationship, or maybe even out of respect to you (if he’s a good guy and doesn’t want to hurt you. See the point above).
Or, it could be that this distance is something his new girlfriend requested of him. Which means that she is threatened.
As I recommend with every Other Woman situation, utilize the Being There Method. Stay in his life if at all possible, and try to stay in a position where you a still a confidante – someone he feels comfortable being vulnerable around.
This is not the ideal situation, but assuming not a lot of time has passed since the breakup, take solace in the fact that your ex is very likely in a rebound relationship.
Reason 5: He’s Nervous About How Your Interactions Could Go
Maybe your breakup was messy. Most breakups are messy, but maybe yours involved a lot of yelling, arguing, and tears. Maybe cruel things were said.
If this is the case, it could absolutely be the reason for your ex’s distance. He may want to maintain contact with you (whether it be to get back together, or to try to have a friendship), but he may be nervous about how your interactions will go. He could be nervous that if he starts talking to you, you’ll want to re-hash the relationship, blow up emotionally, or give him a guilt trip.
If this is the case, you have some serious damage control to do. When you do interact with him, make those interactions as light and fun as possible. Do not, under any circumstances, bring up the relationship or any other emotionally charged topics.
This will be a slow moving process, but if you can keep your emotions in check and be patient, it will prove to him that you are safe to talk to, and that distance will lessen.
Reason 6: It Has Nothing to Do With You
I know this is hard to believe, but it’s very possible that the reason why your ex is being distant in your communications has absolutely nothing to do with you.
This is something I have to keep reminding myself as I re-enter the dating scene and talk to new guys, as well.
Reasons why your ex (or anyone, really) is note responding, or why they may seem distant include: They’re busy, they’re distracted, they’re hungry, they’re upset with something completely unrelated to you, or they’re having a bad day. And I’m sure I could think of one thousand more reasons.
People are busy. They have lives outside of their relationships with us. I myself am guilty of making assumptions about why people are short with me, and I’m usually way off base.
If you and your ex are developing rapport and things have been going well, take deep breaths and settle down. It’s likely he has other things going on. Or he could possibly be rubber banding, but even if that is the case, don’t worry, because he will absolutely be back.
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If your ex is being distant, the first step is to give him space. Constantly calling him and texting him is only going to drive him further away. Embrace your time on your own by focusing on self-improvement.
There could be a number of reasons why your ex is being distant, and I’m sure I didn’t even come close to covering them all here. But the main thing you have to keep in mind is that you can’t control your ex. You can only control you, and how you react to situations.
Keep a cool head as you try to maneuver this stressful area with your ex. Don’t let your emotions get the better of you. Engage in some push/pull theory. If your ex is being distant and pulling away, you do the same. I know that it is our impulse to push instead, but as men are logical, they also process things differently, and that often means processing things alone.
Remember: Distance doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It can absolutely be good thing if you remain calm and use it to your advantage.
(Written By Rachel)
Confused
November 10, 2021 at 3:12 pm
My ex broke up with me a little over a month ago. If my understanding is right, there was a lot that played into it… but mostly he found himself starting to care about me on a deeper level and it scared him… so he did what, in his mind, was the best thing for him and he left. He shut off any emotion at all toward me. We work together and he completely acted as if I didn’t exist and like I never meant a thing to him. Granted I had a lot to do with our falling out as well. I had changed in the relationship and started to constantly worry that he was going to leave me like everyone else… or I always found SOMETHING to panic about. A couple weeks after he left me he started talking to this other girl he works at his second job with. I had started the moving on process and was actually feeling pretty good about myself and where I was headed as far as my future and my mental health. I would smile if I saw him in passing and talk to my coworkers as if nothing was wrong. Completely ignoring him or anything to do with him. I saw one of our mutual friends about a week later and we chatted and she told me he had cut off contact with the girl he was talking to. When I asked why, all our friend said was that “you were right and he still isn’t over you”. Which would explain why he’s avoiding me. Other than the fact I may have messed up and begged for him back initially. But never again after that one time. I am in strict no contact, but we do work together so I do see him sometimes. I’ll catch him looking at me and when I look up at him he looks away. Other than that… nothing. I’m severely confused on where I should go from here
Alisavana
September 7, 2020 at 5:26 am
Hi I recently broke up with my boyfriend because we had alot of issues with loving ourselves are family didnt like us together and it was weighing us down we tried to talk with the parents but they had no time a month ago my boyfriend went down south of nz to figure out what type of work he wanted before that he had been distant and done that behind my back it hurt and I got emotional and lashed he recently came back and he dumped me the he started missing me and we got back together couple days later we both dumped eachother I’ve been trying to love myself and occupy my time but we were together for years and it’s harder when you gave so many commitments yesterday after no contact i apologized to him about the things I done and I took full responsibility of my actions he apologized back and instantly admitted he was jealous to hear guys flirt with me I wanted him back and I just needed space as while he needed it to i thought that it would be a good time to let him know that i love him and want to try again but maybe later on this year to keep us focused on ourselves i asked him if we could stay in contact to help him get through it and talk as friends he was hesitant and said nothing the next thing we are saying goodbye and hes taking his insecuritys out on me and telling me to go flirt with boys even when I said I was only interested in him and we both just need time because we love eachother we have just been stressed and lost our way because im just turning 18 he is out of school 18 we have been together since we were 16 and only recently broke up , so to hear that I told him to stop and I made it clear to him I want him we just need time I told him to stop talking to me like that because it makes me feel ugly like a slut tap and gap just uncomfortable right after I said that he sent a message sorry just checking my emails I didnt respond and an hour later he said let’s just move on with our lives , the last time he done that it was to get my attention so I was a little confused but then I read this article it is right I need to give him time to remember himself and what we had I need to give him time and space to miss me , I said to him your right goodbye and I dont plan to text back atleast for a month and then go back and see if hes said anything if not then I’ll wait longer he wanted to date again start of next year so 3 months which surprised me its not that long and he had a specific date he wanted to try again but I winged it and said yeah cause right now we need to focus on ourselves and give us space and time well the point is how do I recover and move on , how can I better myself and let go of the pain and worrie that I have because I’m like an over protective mother when I dont know if hes fine I think about him and then feels like I need to be by his side how do I become stronger and not get to in my head that he will come back but also hold hope as he ticked all the things you listed for a good person who will come back how do I manage when I go out and do things jt dosent matter where even at home if I sit to long and I have nothing to think about I think of him and start crying and feeling pain and butterflies it’s clear I’m not over him but I cry cause I want to be looked after and treated fairly if I’m to go out with him again it seems I know what to do but at the same time I dont I try to know what to do I search up stuff like this to get guidance and influence for hope so how can I do it how can i be strong during these times and let him have space to miss me and fix his problems that affected the way he treated me , thank you
Andy
May 23, 2020 at 12:19 pm
Hi,
I’m currently into 14 days no contact. My ex and I broke up 40 days ago but we were still in contact and seeing each other 2 weeks after the breakup.
His reason for breaking up with me was because we had been dating officially for 3 months and he said he loved me he just wasn’t Inlove with me. We did rush into the relationship and a lot of things were done out of pace. But he always treated me so wonderfully and respected me, showed me he was invested emotionally and made plans for the future and I truly believed there was a future there if we just slowed things down a bit and worked on the romance. I wasn’t in the Inlove stage yet either but I did really like him.
Since no contact he’s been completely distant, only recently he’s started liking my Facebook posts and pictures but hasn’t reached out once to messages. The last messages I got from him he seemed very guilty and sad, and he was definitely trying to keep his emotional distance. Am I doing the right thing by maintaining no contact? It’s been 40 days since the breakup and I’m getting nervous the more distance he gets the more he’ll just move on.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 29, 2020 at 3:19 pm
Hi Andy, yes you are doing the right thing stick with your NC and prepare your first reach out text ready for when you are done
Shell
March 27, 2020 at 2:46 pm
Hiya
I done 3 months of no contact what so ever
He reached out to me said he was sorry and missed me since we have been speaking great have said about meeting up etc
However he then went withdrawn he disappeared out of nowhere. I left it 10 days before reaching out asking how he was he said stressed out and works bad. I said I’m sorry to hear that. I noticed he added me again on Instagram and he looks really tired, lost weight and doesn’t seem to be caring about his appearance it’s gone down hill.
Due to COVID-19 now we can’t meet up and he is even more distant. I asked him is everything was ok and if I had done something to upset him and he said I can’t keep doing this every 5 minutes, it’s extremely annoying. I’m not sure what he meant as I haven’t even sent loads of messages. I obviously apologized said I’m so sorry I had annoyed you it’s stressful times right now and think everyone’s feeling it.
I’m extremely saddened by this and not sure if now to go no contact again let him calm down. Have I maybe messed things up completely?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 30, 2020 at 11:27 pm
Hi Shell yes another NC as you are appearing insecure and needy. You need to work the Holy Trinity this time to become more secure and confident in yourself. Yes with C19 going on it is difficult to live socially but you can still do things to appear that you are putting yourself first.
Mabel Lyons
December 20, 2019 at 7:49 pm
Love this article! My man and I had been together for around a month, before he went on vacation with some friends. Before his trip, he promised me that he cared about me, and really wanted to see where it was going to go. We used to spend every day together, laughing, keeping each other on track, and engaging in deep conversation. Sadly, when he returned from his trip he appeared to be lost. He was sad about leaving the people he met on the trip, and was intentionally pulling away from all his friends here; including me. Over the next week I continued to question him as to why he was feeling confused and such, until I finally told him i’d give him space. I gave him about one day of space before my family made me realize that me waiting on his decision was not right. So I told him I had enough of waiting on his “decision”, and was going to make it for the both of us myself. His response to that was that he “didn’t want to be with anyone anymore.”. I somewhat believed that, but at the same time didn’t. I was suspicious because he was still in contact with a girl he’d met on his trip who lives in another state. However I left the situation alone after his answer, and since then our contact has slowly been dying down. We now talk once a day. It’s been a week or so since this all happened, and i’m scared that if I implement the “no contact rule” he’ll leave me forever. The goal is to make him miss me. I am a college student, and we are on Christmas break right now, so I will not see him until we come back from break. What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 23, 2019 at 2:35 pm
Hey Mabel doing the no contact rule is not going to make your ex leave you forever – he already broke up with you that’s pretty must left as it goes. So during the Christmas break work on yourself so that you are the best version of yourself, when you see him again he is taken back by how happy confident and secure you are around him and not phased by the break up. Giving the situation a no contact gives him time to forget the negatives he has been feeling and start to miss talking to you and focus on the positives about you.
Mia
December 5, 2019 at 4:49 pm
Greetings, Chris and EBR team!
My ex boyfriend broke up with me last year because I was going through a rough time (no job, away from family and friends) and had started complaining a lot, and acting negative and needy. I insisted we try it again and we did but because it was my idea and not in his heart, he broke it off and said he just wasn’t feeling it anymore. I moved to a different city this year and didn’t contact him during 4 months until he reached out again. But, I had started dating someone else and told him that I couldn’t communicate with him out of respect to my new partner. He respected my decision. Things didn’t work out with the other guy and, later on, I contacted my ex and let him know I was no longer dating. We rekindled our friendship and he sent me a message saying how he’d been missing me and been sad that things didn’t work out between him and I but that he knew he wasn’t the man that is supposed to marry me. I told him I was thinking about moving back to his city in a couple months and he told me that that’s okay but that there would be some ground rules set that we cannot talk about “us”. He said we can talk and hang out but that I need to understand that we will only be friends. He says he doesn’t want me to move back with hopes of getting back together and getting hurt because of my hopes and expectations. I (stupidly) accepted to not mention us anymore but my heart is aching on a daily basis. I want to know if he’s willing to give us another chance in the future. He started texting me and sending me pictures and videos of what he’s been up to but now he’s stopped and when I message him (not often) he reads my messages but doesn’t respond until hours/days later, if even. I don’t know what to do. Should I not initiate contact until he decides to reach out or should I tell him to only reach out if he decides he wants to be with me? I haven’t acted desperate but, deep down inside, I’m scared that I lost him forever. Any advice?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 6, 2019 at 10:19 pm
Hi Mia so have you done enough work so that you have cultivated a life that you are happy with? That means you will not be negative and be needy if you were in a relationship with someone again? Has it been over 30 days since you last spoke? If no then you need to do those things first, if yes then you can reach out with a friendly text that would start a short but positive conversation so that you re introduce yourself to his life again and then end the conversation quite short (dont let it get boring) and leave it a few days, then reach out again and build up the amount of time you spend talking but it is so important that you are the one who is ending conversations first.
Ilesha Meynard
August 22, 2019 at 2:37 pm
Hi!
My now ex and I first met a year ago when working for a kids club in the summer. We hung out together and we both had a little crush on the other, but didn’t really say anything about it. We were just friends and I wasn’t ready to take things further and neither was he. This summer we worked together again and we started building up our friendship again since the last time we saw each other then started to flirt and ended up dating.
We dated for a month. The day before our breakup he seemed fine and was cuddling, kissing and flirting with me, saying he wanted me to visit him at his 2 hour away university. Even telling me to text him so he knows I got home safely that night.
Then the next day he texted me saying “I know I should do this in person, but I want to go back as friends and hope we can still be friends. I just don’t see it going anywhere with you and I just don’t feel anything.” I was hurt by the text, asked him to call me so we can talk and he basically said the same thing (except for his stuttering because he was nervous) I was upset and hurt, but didn’t lash out. He asked if the next time I see him if I would be mad at him (since at times we do hang out with mutual friends together) and I told him that I didn’t know at the moment. He didn’t sound too happy about that answer. I hung up.
Throughout the whole week I blamed myself, thinking maybe I did a mistake somewhere or I was too boring as a girlfriend and that’s when I started looking up videos. I stumbled across yours about the no contact rule and how to get your ex back.
After I calmed down and after a week I asked him to call me again, to which he quickly did and I told him that I agreed to the breakup but if he changed his mind he can call or text me, but I wasn’t waiting around. He started to explain himself more telling me that he just didn’t want to lead me on more in the long run. I wanted to say something, but I just let it go so I didn’t make it worse. We both said our goodbyes and I did cry after, but it wasn’t as bad as the week before.
We have mutual friends, and last week we did have a dinner with our friends because he was going to go back to his college. He was a little distant with me, but we had a few conversations and we both drank a little too much that night. When we were saying our goodbyes I hugged him and he kept staring at my lips, but I just kissed his cheek instead and told him to drive safe. I think I messed up there. We didn’t talk for about half a week after that.
Yesterday he came back to visit the school I work in to see the kids and I believe to see all of us. Except me probably. He did glance at me a few times, but he didn’t say anything to me at all. He laughed with our other friends at a couple of funny things I said and did, but otherwise kept his distance. It just confused me, but I was doing my best to be normal.
His brother was there too, and I hugged his brother goodbye because he was going back to school as well. I wasn’t really planning on hugging my ex goodbye even though I wanted to, but almost everyone knew about our breakup and I didn’t want to seem messed up, so I went in for a hug and the whole hug was awkward. I really do not know if I messed things up more.
I just read this article and I feel like I just messed it up more but I’m not sure. And if I did I don’t know what the chances are to getting him back now.
Perry
August 4, 2019 at 12:12 am
It’s been a year since he broke up with me. We had a relationship of 2 years. I really motivated him at every step in his career. He became very successful in top government job and then a celebrity. After that he went to another city and immediately broke up with me saying that his family won’t accept me and now he also doesn’t love me anymore. I lashed out at him because he cheated on me several times but I always forgave him. It was really hard for me because of my career and family issues at that time. He remained really busy in his wor and traveled with his friends. I’m doing no contact since 10 months but he hasn’t reached out to me. He didn’t even wish me birthday. What should I do please help me I still love him. He has so many girls around him. Girls are going crazy for him. Here I’m dumped by him trying so hard to build career. I’ve lost hopes and don’t have the courage to talk to him. He made me feel so bad and hurt that I don’t match his standards.
Emily
July 30, 2019 at 5:45 pm
Hi Chris.
Me and my ex split up on the 7th June, however he ghosted me at first. As time went on I got the point we were over. I text him after doing 30 days no contact and he text back saying he’s sorry he hasn’t been in touch, he doesn’t love me anymore or sees a future for us and that we can’t ever be friends. I made the mistake of begging and I am now blocked on everything.
I emailed him more than I should have but he told me I need to stop emailing him to which I have done now.
Is there a chance for us or do I just have to left it go? :/
Laura
July 8, 2019 at 11:47 pm
Myself and my ex are childhood sweethearts, over the past 16 years we have broken up and got back together several times, the last time he ended it by moving away feom our city and getting back together with another ex for just over a year, without even telling me how he was feeling, etc or that he was leaving, which of course meant I ended up lacking that foundation of trust and I put up my barriers.
We aren’t together now but I am expecting a child with him due in September, he told me I should just do what will make me happy with regards to my ex husband whom I married almost 8 years ago. I have said whilst I am pregnant and hormonal I do not wish to make any hasty decisions but that I also don’t expect him to wait for me to choose between him and my ex husband either. I’m not with either of them at the moment, nor am I in a physical relationship with either of them as I don’t think that is fair to either of them.
Now my ex has stopped asking about our baby everyday, he messages me very sporadically and then once I reply he disappears for hours before coming back to me with a very vague or brisk response, almost like he is just replying to be polite or he is replying quickly because he is too busy.
We have agreed that we want to co-parent our child and I have every faith in him being a good father but his behaviour towards me has confused me.
One minute he is chatting away about all sorts and asking to meet me, the next minute he is cancelling on me and basically avoiding me.
He said he wasn’t happy with my decision to end things but before I found out I was pregnant he wasn’t interested in anything other than a casual relationship so I believed that he was trying to do the right thing by our child rather than wanting to get back together because of his feelings for me.
We have grown up together (both 32 years old) and have always remained friends no matter what but now I feel that we aren’t even really friends yet we are going to have a child together in a few months.
He knows I still love and care about him and I always will, he was my first love and we have such a complex relationship and history that it is hard to let go.
I can’t really practice the no contact rule because of our baby as he does come to all medical appointments but I also can’t stop checking to see if he has read my messages or if he is online.
I don’t know if he is genuinely confused or hurt because his feelings are actually true and genuine (He does say he loves and cares about me and wants to be with me) or if he is wanting us to be a couple again purely because of the baby (something he has denied when I asked).
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Anon
April 12, 2019 at 11:42 am
Hi,
I broke up with my bf of 2 years. I later regret the decision so i tried speaking but he said breaking up was for the best. After this he wanted to stay in contact as friends. I told him multiple times i can’t be friends because i love him. So he cut contact a few times, only to call me back after. We hung out a couple of times even.
After the last time i told him i can’t be just friends i started NC, but he contacted me 10 days later and even asked me out. We were supposed to go out in saturday, but he came to my house on friday, so that night i asked to see him casually. But after we saw eachother that night he said it was a mistake, that he noticed i was different and we should not meet anymore. I didn’t understand what had happened so i called him after, where he was mean to me during the call. This hurt me but i couldn’t understand what happened, so i called him again and then he was even meaner than before. After this he told me to never call him again because he will never be in a relationship with me. BUT HE IS THE ONE WHO CONTACTED ME! Do u have any idea why he acted this way?
Kristen M.
December 8, 2018 at 9:47 pm
Hello,
My boyfriend of 71/2 years broke up with me. I never begged him to stay with me instead just got my stuff wished him the best and left. I started the no contact method and on day 20 he text me. He had said he hoped all is well and that he was thinking of me and then began talking about something he saw me doing while looking at my social media (cousins 1st birthday). I responded within the hour being friendly and casual. The conversation didn’t go too far as he didn’t want to continue much convo. I let it go and then I initiated contact three days later again he answered right away but was pretty vague and boring to be honest it was just feeling like a forced one way convo. I ended the conversation nicely and never showed his coldness bothered me. I am going to back off for at least a week and a half. Giving space for at least 10 days good? Not sure what to do ? I really want to get him back and hope he contacts me before I have to
Chris Seiter
December 9, 2018 at 2:15 am
Hi Kristen…yes, I like your chances given the long relationship history. Giving him space and doing those things I talk about to leverage that time to your advantage would be best. Pick up my guide, “The No Contact Rule Book” or “PRO” as it will help guide you through this.
Natalie
August 6, 2018 at 9:48 pm
I came out of contact just under a week ago and took the plunge to contact my ex. I sent a simple message asking for his advice on something and hoped hope all was well with him – and he replied within 2hrs with a positive response as well as asking how I was. I replied, then ended the conversation. I left it 2 days, then initiated a conversation regarding something amazing which had just happened. This got a reply in half an hour and we carried on a conversation (every hour or two) until I ended the conversation again.
I initiated another conversation (after leaving it 2 days again) this afternoon that had a small positive memory attached. He hasn’t read the message yet, but I have seen that he has been ‘active’ on messenger which leads me to believe he has seen that I’ve sent him a message. I haven’t once brought up the break-up or brought up anything regarding getting back together, even though this is still what I want – but i’m smart enough to know that I should never mention that until he is ready. I’ve also made sure my messages are not reflecting neediness too.
He hasn’t initiated any of the conversations over the past week, but he has replied well and positively to our conversations once they’re initiated. I’m just very confused with his current behaviour, as he’s replied every other time. I don’t know if I need to give him more time or if he’s now just ignoring me
I have been reading some articles (a bad idea when my anxiety is so high!) that have said that the reason he’s gone distant/cold is because he’s found another girl. I’d like to think that after nearly 3 and a half years together and just over 5 weeks since we broke up that he wouldn’t move on this soon – he even told me when he was breaking up with me that he really disliked like the idea of me finding another guy that would be my boyfriend!
I’m not going to reply to his message until he does, but until then any help on this matter will help to tame my anxiety right now.
Help me please
April 8, 2018 at 11:53 pm
Hi,
I know this may seem out of the norm, but I’m struggling to find peace at the moment. My ex who I’m still living with broke up with me about a month ago, and he recently told me he’s slowly falling for one of his close friends/housemate. I’m also her friend as well but they knew each other longer. She’s also his confidant when me and him argued. She told me she was shocked when he confessed to her because she always saw him as a little brother. But she’s now conflicted so she doesn’t know what to do. I just wanna know if this may still be a rebound. 🙁 I don’t want her to get hurt if she wants to give it a shot, but everything seems too fast, despite him telling me that he was slowly losing feelings for me a few months before he broke it off. He told me we were just incompatible, but he wouldn’t describe how. I guess when you already have feelings for someone else, there would always be a reason things wouldn’t work out between us. Anyways, I do hope to hear from you soon, I just need some clarity while I’m going to the process. Thank you!
Chris Seiter
April 11, 2018 at 1:24 am
Hello! Yep, that can get complicated if you are still living with your ex. Right now, focus on your needs. Take some time to process it all and decide if you still want him part of your life.
Isabel
January 12, 2018 at 9:11 am
Thank you for publishing this article as am also experiencing the same situation. My ex and I have been separated for about two years and each time he would try to Communicate with me I would tell him off.So just this year he messaged me asking to cone visit me and my family because he missed me and I agreed.He pulled through and we actually enjoyed ourselves as my family were also happy to see him.Then he told me he stl had feelings fr me and what can he do to get me back?and I being stupid also poured out my heart to him told him ddn have a boyfriend and also filled him in on how I was hurt about everything.Everything remained cool until recently.We were supposed to go out togethr but he didn’t pull through and I left it like that. Only messaged to ask him if we were on for tonight and he should tell me so that I make a plan..he never replied.Just yesterday I and my friend pranked him and he immediate lt knew it was me and he asked if we could meet up and we did but we didn’t talk much as I was rushing home.But I feel he’s being very distant he doesn’t app me as much and we only just started communicating two weeks ago .Yesterday we were supposed to meet again he never called me he just went quiet..but I also remained silient..I honestly don’t know what’s wrong is it because of how I poured my heart out to him that got him scared again because we both were being honest with each other and he’s the one that initated that he wants us to try.Your advice would be greatly appreciated because I honestly believe nagging him or apping him won’t work because that will push him further away and I really don’t wnt to seem desperate even though am confused and hurt.I love this guy so much and maybe it’s partly why I easily got irritated or felt no spark with most guys ..
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 14, 2018 at 10:19 pm
Hi Isabel,
if he really wanted to get back with you, let him do the work. Set a limit on until when you would observe.. If after that period he doesn’t make effort or he doesn’t make it official, move on.
arya
January 8, 2018 at 8:45 am
my ex bf being distant. we broke up and not seeing each other in 2 months. after no contact, we start communicate and meet each other again. but suddenly he being distant, and i know that i shouldnt asking, begging, or pushing over him to know why he acting differently, so i did the same thing… i gave him space. and after 2 weeks no contact, i found out that he start dating another girl. so i kind of blame myself because im not there when he needed me, so he choose another girl that maybe give him attention rather than me. but it just really fast. i dont know if she is a rebound or not.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 9, 2018 at 10:06 pm
Hi Arya,
She probably is…
Struggling
December 26, 2017 at 4:35 pm
Hi! I am hoping you can help! I have been following the NCR for 7 days. I cut him off because he was treating me more like an option than a priority. I know he cares, but has serious personal issues going on that he chose not to open up to me about. We are also co-workers. I think during the first couple of days of N.C. he thought he could smooth things over and we could move on like normal. He realized that was not the case and was texting me more, calling office phone, needing help in his office, then last Thursday he sent a final text that said “Please…” It is now the following Tuesday (he didn’t show up for work on Friday) and he is flat out ignoring me. So of course I am wondering, did he ever actually want me or was I only ever an option? It seems like he is going through great effort to ignore me, but I could be reading into it. Here are the other details: i deleted him from facebook (I didn’t read until afterwards that, that was a bad move) well when he noticed I deleted him, he blocked me now. Also, his cell phone has been broken (long before we took a break) that he won’t get any messages unless he messaged that person first… almost like it is in contany do not disturb and it won’t come off. So my concern is when I end NC, how do I contact him?!?!
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 28, 2017 at 1:21 am
Check this one:
EBR 002: What To Do If You Have No Way Of Talking To Your Ex
AH
December 19, 2017 at 10:12 pm
My ex of 2 years broke up with me a month ago. We were living together. I was blindsided by the breakup, happened a few days after we got back from our first holiday trip together. I tried to convince him the first few weeks after the breakup, but he just kept telling he’s broken and doesn’t trust himself fixing things with me. He doesn’t want to hurt me. The night he left, He was crying so hard, when he was telling me all these things. All I could do was weep and was shocked and clueless. He would say things like he can’t see himself getting any better. He has a lot of trust, responsibility issues- he was self-loathing. Me trying to smother him with positivity didn’t help at all.
I’ve been on NC for 29 days when he messaged me to ask if he could get some of his stuff back. He’ll pick them up, leave him a key and he’ll just leave it at the lobby. Sounded like he had plans of getting them when I’m not home. I didn’t reply. Then he sent me follow up texts borderlining upset, that if I didn’t want him to have them, to just let him know and he’d leave me be. Have a safe flight and enjoy Family time.” I didn’t reply until 4 days after which was yesterday. I texted him “what stuff? You can pick them up once I’m back from holiday okay? Take care going home and Merry Christmas to you and your family.” He responded “Clothes, thought I’d get them over with before the year ends so you’d have a fresh start. Have a safe flight. Merry Christmas.” I didn’t reply. Then he texted again “ or you could just box them up, and leave at the lobby so it won’t be a hassle for you” I didn’t reply. He then texted at night “just let me know if you’ll box em up or what. Thanks for your response.” I didn’t reply after a few hours “I’ll give hand them all to you when I get back. Good night.” He then replied “I don’t get it. Just box em up and leave them. Thanks”
Now, by HIS STUFF or the clothes that he’s referring to- were all given and bought by me, that does not make any sense. Why would you want more stuff to remember of me with, if you don’t want anything to do with me? 5 pcs of Shirts and Boxers that were left in the laundry when he left. All given by me. And he sounds upset or cold with his texts. I have no plans of messaging him until I’m back from my trip- that will be 15 days after.
He changed his profile pic on Instagram, took my initials out on his bio, took all photos with me in it- but left the ones with stuff I gave or made.
Not sure how to take this. Is he trying to get a reaction from me? Upset that I’m not chasing him as expected, like the way I was doing the first week after he left? Is he doind stuff on purpose, trying to get under my skin – to make me weak? I don’t understand why I feel like I’m still being punished despite he already broke my heart and left? Like I’m the one at fault why the relationship crumbled. I love him so much, and would like to be given another chance. I feel like I’m the only one fighting for it though. Will appreciate your thoughts on this please. Thank you.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 20, 2017 at 9:26 pm
Hi Ah,
yes, ah, he’s probably trying to see if you would react and chase.. so, just keep improving yourself and doing posts that don’t disappear after 24 hours.
Charlotte
November 16, 2017 at 2:37 pm
So I am starting the no contact rule today. My ex and I broke up 4 days ago. I want to get him back. However it’s been hard at work to keep it up. I haven’t texted him since the second day of our break up. After our break up he told me if I was still around we could try again
We broke up because he was dealing with a lot and couldn’t handle and relation ship and say I got to attached. That he cared about me and didn’t want to hurt me.
Then we saw each other at work and he won’t look at me or talk me. I don’t understand why.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 17, 2017 at 7:55 pm
Hi Charlotte,
check this one:
EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend
Ntokozo
November 3, 2017 at 12:19 am
I did full NC and finally reached out. Everything went well but as time went on he would ignore me mid conversation. Today he initiated contact for the second time but when I replied he ignored me again so I got mad and confronted him about it politely. he got mad and started talking to me rudely and I got mad and became rude as well. I regretted it then apologised to him but he went to sleep so he hasn’t seen my apology. did I ruin my chances?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 4, 2017 at 12:50 am
Honestly it did because now, it’s obvious that you want him… You need to restart nc for the last time and do 30 days..