What To Do If Your Ex Doesn't Contact You During No Contact- How To Make Him Talk

2,699 thoughts on “What If He Doesn’t Contact You During No Contact?”

Dumbfounded

May 12, 2014 at 1:31 am

Hi,

My ex and my LDR ex have been in contact for a few months now with only 1 brief face-to-face occurrence when I traveled to his city for a concert. He was unavailable due to his job but met me for dinner before I left for home. The next weekend he went to NYC to visit his sister and friends although he has never mentioned planning a trip to see me or followed through with any plans on us spending time together. I was shocked to hear this at first but accepted it and rolled on.

When he landed home (I assume), he sent me a picture of him driving, which I complimented, and at 10:30PM he sent me a picture of him at my local bar and asked if I was coming. I told him I was about to hit the hay but got dressed and met them.

When I arrived he stood to hugged me but didn’t offer to get me a drink and I felt an awkward silence had fallen over the table, it didn’t seem like anyone else knew I was coming. He has 2 friends that live in my same city and one that was visiting (going through a nasty divorce). The awkwardness got to me so I went inside and bought my own drink. I returned and just listened and smiled. A girl complimented me and expressed “approval” of me, told me what a good guy my ex is, then his visiting friend started joking about being gay lovers with my ex. They’re both 30yo men. My ex jokingly said that I probably thought they were a-holes. I continued to smile and watched, dumbfounded.

My ex then was convinced they needed to go to another bar, which the local 2 friends didn’t seem excited about (they had jobs the next day) but all agreed for the sake of the visiting friend (i assume). Every got up and I raced to finish my drink to see ex and his visiting friend in a long embrace. Me and another friend laughed at its weirdness and then he walked off. When the hug was over and the visiting friend left my ex looked at me and looked at me and said, “Oh, so you’re coming?” I asked, “Do you want me to come?” and he said, “Why wouldn’t i?” I spun around and said I’d meet them there but on the drive sent a text that “I was just going to bed and thanked him for the invite.”

What had just gone down?!? I was so confused: it felt like a booty call but he did invite me…

Later that night he sent me 3 texts that I ignored: (1st, 45 min later) “lame”, (2nd, 10 min after that) “no need to be mad”, (3rd, just before bars closing) “Ok. I’m heading back to my home town now”.

The next afternoon I sent him a text (probably should’ve gone into NC but thought I was stable) “Sucked you had to drive home so late. Did something happen to your place to stay?” He said that nothing happened and he could’ve stayed with his friend but wanted to be at home. I said I understood that and told him and I felt odd that night. I said it felt like I’d responded to a booty call, “lol”. He said that’s what he figured I’d think and was why he didn’t want to even tell me in the first place. I then asked why he even bothered telling me if he was there to see friends and he said because he thought I would come hang out, no worries.

Obviously there was a downward spiral at that point and I told him that I wasn’t trying to start a fight but was hoping he would say something to rectify the situation and that if he didn’t care about me he shouldn’t have wasted my time. He responded, “You always blow things out of proportion” and I said, “Maybe so but you can be insensitive sometimes”.

We haven’t spoken in 4-days.
(1) What do you think about his behavior that night, am I wrong to feel slighted?
(2) Do you think I was too emotional/dramatic?
(3) Do you think he’s done: The last time we had a fight he said he didn’t see the point in continuing because I kept overreacting?

admin

May 12, 2014 at 6:39 pm

Did you take a look at my long distance page?
Dumbfounded

May 12, 2014 at 8:33 pm

Yes I have, and it is reassuring to see that something specific for LDR is available. I am waiting for 30-NC to read the contact guide. We were texting each other often, every day or 2-days (while on his trip, 4 days had passed in silence before I got that picture of him driving).

I actually found this site a few months back and was following your light-hearted texting guides that seemed to be working from my “adjusted” perspective. Although not “exclusive”, we’d been texting frequently for about 6-months (texting-only).

As a side note, a week ago I sent him a picture of myself dressed nicely at a derby party and some random dude photo-bombed it in the background. My ex’s response: “who’s posing, you or that tool in the background?” Do you think that is positive to mean that he was starting to see me as something important to him?

I just fear that because of my reaction and since he seems to be “emotionally” disciplined, he will decide to close our case and move on?

Much thanks.
admin

May 13, 2014 at 4:41 pm

I think its positive yes.
Dumbfounded

May 28, 2014 at 4:19 pm

For the sake of this message thread I hope its ok that I post this to this “What to do if he doesn’t reach out” blog.

This morning my LDR Ex messaged me at 3:30AM, day 21NC. I know you’d mentioned the serious battle that has to be going on for such a late reach-ou. He’d obviously been working into the early morning. The text was just the name of a band I’d told him I really wanted to see at a music fest going on in town this weekend.

I am happy to complete the 30-Day NC but given that he is an LDR Ex and could be making plans to come to my city for the fest/his friend’s bday do you think I should respond? I have a girlfriend staying with me for the fest this weekend so couldn’t offer him a bed but would be happy to meet up if he were to suggest. Do you think I’ve been friend-zoned?
admin

May 31, 2014 at 3:16 pm

Hmm…. I think it might be ok yes but only b/c 21 days have passed.
Dumbfounded

June 3, 2014 at 6:33 pm

Thanks! Two days after his “Vampire Weekend” text (day 23 of NC) I responded, “Are you seeing them this weekend?” but he hasn’t responded. Its been 4-days.

Do you think that because I took 2 days to respond he assumes I am not interested anymore and he has washed his hands of me? Does this silence have any significance?
Dumbfounded still

May 22, 2014 at 1:43 am

So today was day 14 of NC and still nothing. I want him to reach out to me but I don’t think he will and it doesnt seem likely that he’s thinking of me at all. Do you think my reaction when he was in town last time made him loose interest in me/see me as too much trouble? Do you think he will reach out to me at all after everything?

It’s so hard to imagine him going from sending me a selfie to the asshole he seemed to be at the bar. Over the course of out contact the last several months he evaded any meet-up attempts, but would send me selfies. He would tell me that he didnt have the time/effort to commit to a relationship with me right now but sent me a comical valentines day e-card.

I had high hopes for things with him and having already gone through your plan I don’t think giving it another attempt is appropriate?

Do you think he will reach out? If not, Do you think it’s worth another attempt or would he for sure see me as a loser?
Dumbfounded

May 18, 2014 at 7:03 am

Well today was the day 10 of NC and still no word. I know you’ve covered the different types of exes but this dude is definitely a nonchalant guy. He doesn’t seem to mind anything, you might classify him as being “agreeable”.

I don’t plan on reaching back out to him after our last occurrence because it was just too much for me to reach out after without disrespecting myself… but of course I’m still checking my phone so maybe that defeats the purpose.

WIth him being “agreeable” do you think its worth hoping he’ll reach out?

Ana

May 8, 2014 at 9:27 pm

Hello Chris!

Reposting hoping to get some help.

My ex broke up with me on 24th of March. I tried to talk to him a week later and it didn’t take me anywhere – he responded negatively.

I’m now on day 39 of no contact because people tell me I need to be in a state of mind where I don’t get too stressed about whether he responds or not and I’m not sure I’ve reached that point. I was wondering if 60 days would be better or just drive him away totally?

He left me crying, saying he still liked me and would miss me but he wasn’t able to give me what I needed/deserved from a relationship and had to be alone to figure out his life. He’s for sure a stubborn one and hasn’t reached out all this time.

I’m not sure how to proceed now… HELP

admin

May 9, 2014 at 3:32 pm

I think you have gone above and beyond already on NC. You can probably contact him now if you wanted.

Sweetiepie

May 8, 2014 at 12:16 pm

Hi Chris,

My bf had started to take me for granted so I just started the NC.
Day 2 – he realized I was not talking, he pinged me on gtalk for some professional matter, i replied very briefly and to the point. Then he asked me why I was so silent and I chose not to reply to this question.
Day 4- He whatsapped me asking why i was not talking to him, I ignored.
Day 6- he sent me a mail asking for the reason, I ignored.
Now since 2 days he has just not tried to contact me. What might he be thinking… Any idea ????

admin

May 8, 2014 at 4:38 pm

Ya but you are dating him still right?

NC can be dangerous in a relationship. Its supposed to be for breakups.
Sweetiepie

May 10, 2014 at 4:19 am

Thank you so much for the reply.. You are absolutely right… But I am soooo confused. How can i make him stop taking me for granted. I have talked to him how it hurts me and he just listens and changes the topic. And if i ignore him, he panics. I just dont know how to deal with this. I know he wont let me go. But he too needs to understand that we need to spend time together. He is like, he needs time for his family, friends, work, TV, youtube, games, sleep and all….after all this if he has time i might get lucky… Please help…I cant take it any more. I am stuck in a spiral.
admin

May 12, 2014 at 5:38 pm

Why don’t You just walk away for a while? Get out of the spiral?

Cindy

May 8, 2014 at 7:38 am

I had deleted his number . So, would an email work ? :/

admin

May 8, 2014 at 4:35 pm

It can… or a Facebook message.

Kelly

May 6, 2014 at 6:18 pm

Hello! So I am just starting out the NC period, however, his Birthday falls right in the middle of it. I am afraid if I don’t acknowledge his special day, it will hurt him deeply, possibly hurting my chances of a reconciliation. Thoughts??

admin

May 7, 2014 at 3:26 pm

I don’t think it will hurt your chances at all.

Penelope

May 6, 2014 at 3:43 pm

Hey Chris,
I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for three years now. I’ve taken steps towards moving to his area by taking on some clients there, which requires me to travel there twice a month. I thought this was something we both wanted, but have realized that it was probably a mistake because he has been taking me for granted and I seem to be doing all the traveling and work in the relationship. 2 weeks ago I was there and he yelled at me in front of his friends. This is something he has also done in the past. The next day I left, and we haven’t spoken since. I just returned from going to his area for work, but this time I stayed at a hotel and didn’t inform him that I was there. He is extremely stubborn and I’m wondering what I should do if in another two weeks when it will be a month of no contact he hasn’t made any effort to contact me. Please help!
abri

May 6, 2014 at 3:16 pm

me and my ex dated for a year and we would always have little arguments. but nothing to serious we were very serious though and one day we just had a bad fight and i said something very mean to him but i didn’t mean it and he broke up with me and said he lost feelings for me and told me to move on because he already did we haven’t spoke in 12 days because i’m using the nc rule. but since we’ve broke up he still contacts my brother but he says ill just have to deal with this. what should i do? i really love him and i don’t want to just give up. do you think he means the stuff he said or he is just trying to get back at me? someone please help.
Ana

May 6, 2014 at 10:57 am

Hello!

My ex broke up with me on 24th of March. I tried to talk to him a week later and it didn’t take me anywhere – he responded negatively.

I’m now on day 37 of no contact because people tell I need to be in a state of mind where I don’t get too stressed about whether he responds or not and I’m not sure I’ve reached that point. I was wondering if 60 days would be better or just drive him away totally?

He left me crying, saying he still liked me and would miss me but he wasn’t able to give me what I needed/deserved from a relationship and had to be alone to figure out his life. He’s for sure a stubborn one and hasn’t reached out all this time.

I’m not sure how to proceed now… HELP!
Soon to grad

May 2, 2014 at 10:27 pm

So i have been in no contact with my ex for the third time because i messed up the first two time.. Messing up and talking to him or contacting him first but it all end in arguing. And so its been a bit over a week since ive last talk to him. And I was wondering if i can talk to him in one more week because i want to talk to him possibly get back with him before we both graduate and not see each other as much.
Red

April 30, 2014 at 12:39 pm

Hi Chris! My boyfriend and I dated for the past 5 years and he broke up with me 4 days ago, by not knowing the NC rule I got desperate and texted him like a crazy person so he could come back. He broke up with me, his reasons were that he said he didn´t miss me anymore, he was bored and he even told me he didn´t even care to see me with another man, that he is not enough for me because he couldn´t love me as much as I loved him. I want him back 100% , he never told me his worries during the relationship ( which was a big mistake from him ), and by knowing them now I think we could find some way to fix the problem, but he said no, he didn´t want to.
My main question is, is it worth trying to get him back after everything he told me? Or should I just wait?

right now I am scared and confused.. I need help.
I just can´t belive that after 5 years he just didn´t care anymore and dumped me.

Thanks.
Wendy

April 29, 2014 at 1:41 pm

My boyfriend broke up with me two times. The first time, his hormones made him realize he missed me so we got back. But this time is more difficult. I tried no contact for two weeks only to break it. When he told me the next day that hes sorry for being harsh.Then he asked me why I was talking to him when i ignored him two weeks ago. Then I tried talking to him again after I got jealous of this girl that he asked to senior prom. Then he basically said many hurtful things, which made me start no contact for the second time. Even in the first time of Nc he never contacted me.I dont know if the NC rule can work again. I feel like now his mind is filled of negative memories of me being desperate and fights. But he always checks my snapchat stories neveetheless does that mean anything? Can NC work again for me?

Wendy

May 1, 2014 at 7:02 pm

Well sorry the hormones part possibly confused you. But he told me realized he missed and and got bak with me but when he broke up with me the second time he said that his hormones made him want to be bak with me which i believe isnt true. He still always checks my snapchat stories. And he never apologized for the harsh things hes told me. I feel less desperate for him right now to be honest but i still miss him. Will no contact the second time work when i think he only thinks about me im a negative way when i was so desperate with him for a month?

Robin

April 29, 2014 at 2:24 am

What a great guide!!! It’s nice to finally read why they don’t text you during NC. I’m nearing the end of my NC (28 days now), we split up 29days ago. No contact has been made. My question is how long do I wait to contact after the 30days? I go want it to look like right it’s been 30days, let’s contact!

admin

April 30, 2014 at 1:12 am

Glad you got something out of this!

You should contact on day 31!
Robin

April 29, 2014 at 2:43 pm

My situation… My ex split with me about a month ago… He’s unhappy at work, grieving for close relative and said he couldn’t make me happy. I know I became insecure, available and needy and not the ungettable girl. He became distant with me, in the break up he said he loved me but not in love and couldn’t see a future with me. He said he worshipped the ground I walked on, still wants me in his life. He said I can contact anything but I haven’t and neither has he. I’m sure I’ve missed loads of information out but have I got any chance of getting this guy back? Any advise?

Sasha

April 28, 2014 at 11:13 pm

So I finished my NC period and I sent my ex a compliment/memory text. He responded back neutral (Lol, Good!) That was his reply. Now I’m not sure where the hell to go from there or what to say next time I contact him. I don’t want to constantly send compliment and memory texts or he will probably think I’m losing my mind. I need help.
P.s. I have the book as well, but I do need some guidance so I don’t blow it.

admin

April 30, 2014 at 1:05 am

What was the text specifically?
Sasha Jackson

April 30, 2014 at 1:22 am

I said to him.
“I came across a picture of Prince Charming from the Shrek movie and it made me think of you and how I called you that. It made me smile.”
admin

April 30, 2014 at 1:43 pm

Not bad… just one issue. Prince charming in those movies was the villain…
Sasha

April 30, 2014 at 5:08 pm

Lol. I know, but he looked like him, but didn’t act like him.
Now I just wonder should I keep the conversation going by talking about hobbies of his and things I’m doing? On top of including compliments and good memories.

Klara Thomas

April 26, 2014 at 4:53 am

hi, so me and my boyfriend broke up a few weeks ago. at first he was making contact to see how i was doing and for small talk. i never initiated contact with him, however, the last time we spoke i told him to stop contacting me so i could start healing, unless he all of a sudden realizes he cant live without me, than he could call. he has not contacted me for a week. my question is, have i “ruined” the NC rule because i told him not to contact me?

admin

April 28, 2014 at 4:08 pm

No… it can still be effective.

Christine

April 25, 2014 at 10:16 am

Hey Chris,

Recently, I started a NC period with my ex after a few days of trying to be “friends” after the break up. I told him that I couldn’t handle talking to him anymore because it felt like nothing had changed. He was upset, and asked how long I would need. I told him it wasn’t permanent, and that it might take a few days or more. He then said, “Ok, we’ll talk in a few days.” I’m assuming that after a few days he will text me, and I will ignore it.

But more importantly – He sent me a snapchat after I initiated NC. I’m really torn on what to do with it. I have no intention of sending one back (NC after all), but I was wondering if I should open it or not. Opening it would allow him to see that I opened it, and then obviously he would know that I was ignoring him if I didn’t respond. So basically, open it or no?

admin

April 28, 2014 at 4:00 pm

Well, don’t respond to it.

Belle Pires

April 25, 2014 at 12:42 am

What if he doesn’t say happy birthday to you during the no contact? I have a lot of ppl telling me my ex doesn’t care about and just wants to move on. I’ve been on no contact for over a week and I’m having a really hard time with it.

admin

April 26, 2014 at 1:34 am

No big deal. Just shake it off.

Eden

April 24, 2014 at 7:50 am

Hey, Chris,

I’ve been on an on and off again long-distance relationship with the same guy for 8 years. In the recent months, he’s been distant to me. When I’d drive the 4 hours to his place, he would just hang out on the computer, and when we go to sleep, I find that he’d move to the couch away from me in the middle of the night. He also always says he’s busy, and in the past month, he hadn’t contacted me at all. When I finally exploded, he got angry with me because he says that he’s been busy with his studies (It’s his last semester of college.). I’m not stupid. I know he’s lost interest in me, but when I tell him that, he gets angry about how one month of not talking immediately cancels the 8 years we’ve had together in my mind and how that doesn’t make sense at all. But I don’t understand how you just stop talking to someone like a girlfriend for a month. Am I being over-sensitive here? Is there a part of me that’s misunderstanding him? I’ve tried talking to him, but he either doesn’t respond or just gets angry, and I feel terrible because I’m being treated like a pest. Help me out please.

-E

admin

April 24, 2014 at 4:11 pm

I think the problem is the fact that you two have been LDR for so long.

Jess

April 23, 2014 at 2:52 am

Hi Chris,

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2.5 years. I’m 21 and he’s 22. Officially, he broke up with me a week ago. Before that we had a month-long “break” (it was a rollercoaster, and we saw eachother throughout the break and texted). He told me that he wasn’t sure if he had the same feelings anymore, you know, the I LOVE YOU but not IN LOVE WITH YOU stuff. He’s been having a horrible year with school and he is also on a school sports team. He doesn’t have much free time, and after a while his teammates became the priority, not me. He stopped wanted to go out with me, was always with the guys.

So basically, at the end he said he wanted to focus on himself becuase he was doing badly in the other aspects of his life. He said that if it was meant to be with us, it will be. And that maybe we can figure it out in a few months, but right now, there needs to be a drastic change because nothing will be good in our relationship if we just “agree” with each other and stay together. Sounds like “the hook”. We ended it on good terms, at least.

He bought me a bracelet some time during the break, gave it to me at the end and said that he was just thinking of me, that’s all. He said he bought one for himself and figured he would order me one too.

Anyways, I haven’t contacted him for a week, and 2 days ago he recruited a friend of his to fb message me asking for my number, which I ignored. I know it was probably his idea because there is a photo on fb of them hanging out together that day. In the same time frame he also texted me asking how I was, which I ignored.

I am going to do the NC – but why does he do things like buy me presents and spy on me? Is it possible to get someone back if they lost the “in love” feeling for you?
Ellie

April 22, 2014 at 10:41 am

I’ve been on No Contact for about 35 days now. Not a single word from my ex (we dated for 6 months) I would’ve talked to him but right now he’s dealing with exams and academic stuff so he’s probably stressed out because he takes this pretty seriously and wouldn’t give me a good response. I also heard from mutual friends that he’s already interested in other people. Might even be in a relationship. I really wanna talk to him but afraid it’ll come off desperate because tbh I feel very helpless and it might reflect. Do I wait til he talks? Or when he’s done with exams? Or what? Help!
meg

April 22, 2014 at 1:43 am

Hi Chris,

My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with me several months ago. He showed up of the blue stating that he did not see a future with me and cried solidly for two hours. I did NC, then I visited him once after the break up( approximately 2 weeks later) to see ask why he had broken up with and letter wishing him happiness if his feelings had no changed. During this encounter he told me that our love “had plataued” and he wasnt sure that our relationship had any “oomph” and that he should have known we wouldn’t work since i said i loved him first. He also said he was “feeling my more introverted social tendencies”. Lastly, he told me the breakup was on a “whim”, as it occurred to him driving home that fateful day that he had never had the “shes the one thought” so he turned his car around to break up with me.

We have been NC since then. Also, within a month of our breakup his 2 best friends (that he moved in with the week before our breakup) broke up with their girlfriends (of 4 and 6 years). We were great during our relationship, however he often chose his buddies/drinking/smoking at the expense of seeing me.

Is he the type to come back? should i contact him? I am close to the point that i feel if he still cared at all i would have heard something from him. (literally the last thing i heard from him via social media or phone was an hour before our breakup)

HELP. i know my mistakes (i made my whole world him), but do we have a chance? (fyi – he just graduated college and i just finished my masters degree)

admin

April 22, 2014 at 4:50 pm

How long total have you bene in NC?
meg

April 22, 2014 at 4:52 pm

3 months exactly (with the exception of the visit at the 2 week marker). I even blocked him on Facebook.

I have not heard anything from him in those 3 months.
meg

April 29, 2014 at 4:07 pm

hi Chris,

Super curious to hear your thoughts!

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2,699 thoughts on “What If He Doesn’t Contact You During No Contact?”