What It Takes To Make A Long Distance Relationship Work- The Ultimate How To Guide

142 thoughts on “What It Takes To Make A Long Distance Relationship Work”

M

January 26, 2015 at 1:44 pm

hey Chris! really thank you so much for your site! I’ve got him back! got him to ask me out to be his girl because he loves me! these were his words! we’re in a long distance relationship good luck ladies sometimes ex’s are worth fight for! I’ve decided that this time our relation would be different, we solved every small thing that could get us into an argument in the future, he has been even more sweet than before. well Chris has put for us the exact steps to follow but it’s so hard to do, and once I’ve done what he said exactly he started liking me again, not only him I’ve noticed that many guys did maybe I became the ungetable girl again lol. well but I tell you the secret is to move on without moving on, it’s the most important step I guess. I mean don’t let him know you’re romantically into him still, I don’t mean to be rude but I feel it more about being best friends for a while also the no contact works so good but play it by ear, I mean I was real busy I still could message to say but I just disappeared for 3 days he got so worried lol but I felt for the 3rd day he has to know I am good, so I just talked with him a little bit, he was so mad at me it’s true then I’ve even told him I won’t be there for one more week he got more mad but lol believe me it worked so good it made him realize he misses me so much. then after 2 more weeks he finally asked me out! really I hope every woman on this site gets her ex back if he’s worth fighting for, and again thanks Chris without your site I wouldn’t find someone to calm me down nor giving me good advices sorry for the long contact haha but was so excited to share 🙂 🙂

admin

January 26, 2015 at 4:31 pm

Thank YOU SO MUCH!!!

I really needed some good news today.

sera

January 25, 2015 at 3:02 pm

Hi chris,
I was in ldr for awhile, he broke up with me because I dont know what. I felt too anxaus in this relationship as well to be honest, though I loved him too much.. the distance affect I think. After breakup I was devastated and clingy, he was brutal and rude. I stopped making a fool of myself but I would still reply if he texted or whatsapped. He refused firmly to talk on the phone no matter how much I begged. He tried to engage me into sexual talks, then asked to be FWB. lol :D. Anyway that’s when I firmly applied nc and ignored him totally. And it worked, it made me more in control and ok, I even went out on dates and I liked it, and I worked tones on myself.
Now he has been trýing to put me on the phone for almost 20 days. Lol. I picked up his calls twice but I kept it very short almost 2 min each. Yesterday I finally replied and stayed on the phone of almost an hour. That’s the first since breakup since 3 months. I kept it casual and avoided any serious talks. He asked why wasn’t I speaking to him or replying to his texts..eetc. I was cool and funny and I was the one to hang up though he wanted to stay more.

Now chris im afraid I’d get attatched again. He is more than okay to talk the sweet talks on the phone but with no commitment.. and I know he’d go brutal and rude again if I got too attached with no commitment from his side. How to act here?

admin

January 26, 2015 at 3:50 pm

Could you be more specific for me when you say he’d go brutal and rude if you got too attached?
sera

January 27, 2015 at 5:05 am

That did already happen yesterday! When we were on the phone he asked me to call him the next day.. I said maybe sure, but I wasn’t going to. Then, yo kno, I was bored and ended up calling him.. he said he can’t talk so I said goodnight and hanged up. He used to do that a lot after the breakup, ask me to call and when I do he says he can’t talk.. not being busy but he just don’t want to. He’s a passive aggressive much. I should be like, if u wanna talk to me you can call and I’ll answer, right?
He seeks to get me attached to be rude towards me chris :(. After breakup when I used to get angry of this behaviour and call multi times, he would snap at me almost in a brutal way.
Do I go nc now for 3-4 weeks? Or play it cool?
admin

January 27, 2015 at 3:07 pm

Play it cool!
sera

January 30, 2015 at 2:02 pm

Hey chris, I did I played it cool. We had that amazing phonecall which was blissful. Next morning he texted that he wants to shower me with kisses. Nothing I know. The next day I got really ill, at night I had a fever and was alone and needed somebody, he said hi on whatsappe so I asked to call, we stayed on the phone for about an hour and a half, the call was a lil dull, not bas ‘blissful’ as the other one, he wanted to stay on the phone everytime I wanted to hang up, we got a lil emotional like “I miss ur smell””I miss touching ur chin”..ect. I was applying nc before this like I told you. This phonecall feeled good but dull.. it was like the old times, the time just before we broke up. at this phonecall things got rushy and this was not wht I want, but I was ill and not feeling right.. I told him I love him, he did too and he wanted me. But yo kno chris, in ldr things are always virtual, alot of talk but no commitment. After we end the call he texted to ask if im gonna be alright, I said yes and “wish you was here”he texted this “Jumping from hate to absloute love? Way to go”. Because of the nc month i did. I texted “yea what about you” He replied immedially “I love u so much”. The next day he didn’t text or call to ask me if I was alright,not even a simple hi, so as the day after.
I decided to let it go and not contact him unless he contacts me. I kno I rushed through that phonecall but what can I say, I extremely ill and quite alone and needy.
two days passed since that call, and today my friends texted that they are hitting his town tomorrow for a book affair, it’s quite an event there, and me and him are pretty bookish. So I told him on whatsappe that I’ll be in histomorrows town and asked if he wanna meet. Though he saw the msg he didn’t answer untill after 3 hours. He said he made plans to go with a friend.
well Chris I’m extremely sad. I kno he has no plans. I told him I’ll be there anyway.
well chris give me some insight here 🙁 I put myself out there too soon, and my heart hurts like 1st time he broke up with me. Help please.
im still going with my friends tomorrow, but my heart is a lil broke, and he haven’t said anything.
I’m afraid it’ll always be like this with him Chris 🙁
admin

January 30, 2015 at 4:53 pm

Don’t feel bad.

This isn’t an overnight process.

I know it hurts now but keep make small progress.
sera

January 30, 2015 at 4:59 pm

Thanks for replying fast. But it’s been like that since breakup, I don’t know what to do
it’s a bad idea to call and ask if he’s gonna meet me tomorrow right?
admin

January 31, 2015 at 3:25 pm

Yes it is.
sera

February 9, 2015 at 5:55 am

hello chris, I did that trip to his town with my friends, I tried to enjoy, but I texted him multi times while there, he told me to stop embarrassing myself, he won’t see me.
so that is that, and I came back and applied nc, he sent me hi and stuff on wsp, sometimes called but I never responded. I didn’t get it, if he didn’t want to see me then what does he want?
after a week of no contact I told him on whatsappe that its over and he should stop sending me hi and call (he wasn’t doing it crazily but still once everyday) thats when he went into explaning with no stopping, maybe for the 1st time since I knew him
he said he couldn’t see me cuz he was panicked, emotionally and mentally in bad shape, and I put pressure on us by texting him to meet (but what could I do chris I was in his city!) He also said he can’t have an emotional bond with anyone until he figures himself out and what to do in life (we r both 26) he said he would do anything for me but just don’t stop talking to me and don’t distance me, and I worship u and u kno that….
I totally respected he explaned like that, but u think he was honest?
I told him to talk to me when he figure things out, because untill then he’ll has only his best interest in mind.
after a couple of hours he tried to be friendly and asked what I bought from his town while there, which I didn’t respond to. I felt like I need some time. He logged out of whatsappe and haven’t appeared since 3 days till now, which is strange and unusual for him, he’s always on wsp. And I haven’t heard from him since then.
some insight plz Chris!
And am I doing okay by not contacting and staying cool?
Les

February 10, 2015 at 6:02 am

I would advise you that u should stop contact him! He is not making happy at all. It´s not a good relationship if he makes u cry. for your mental hearth u must maintain your distance, not answering him since the person that really loves you would do the best to see u as soon he has the opportunity, not escaping from you. U r suffering enough. Its time think of u.

Good luck.
sera

February 9, 2015 at 8:07 pm

What do u think?
admin

February 10, 2015 at 3:35 pm

Sorry lost context a bit here.

Help me out a bit.
sera

January 30, 2015 at 7:22 pm

I acted clingy and tried to call, no answer, on wtsappe he said he don’t think he’ll be ablt to see me, and I don’t hv to come all the way to see him.. and acted too rude. He was different a day ago! Chris how do I fix this?
can’t believe he dragged me to this once again.. happened before after breakup.
sera

January 30, 2015 at 2:48 pm

Im kinda waiting for him to say he’s gonna show up tomorrow but I don’t know what im doing here
sera

January 27, 2015 at 5:21 am

And after that rude call he texted my name, just my name like that “sera” both on wsp and msg. Chris can’t I just travel to him and slap him on the face? LDR can work like that 😀
admin

January 27, 2015 at 3:07 pm

Probably not the best idea to slap him in the face but you did make me laugh!

charice

January 24, 2015 at 6:17 am

Hi Chris, thank you for taking time to write these articles. I have been with my ex boyfriend for exactly a year. He is american,29 years old and I am chinese, 26 years old, we live 2000 miles away from one another and catch a plane to visit each other every 2 to 3 weeks. At times even every weekends if our work schedule permits. We skype with each other everyday, never did we have a big fight before either. Even if we have our differences, we talk it out and try to smooth out the differences by accommodating to one another.

On November 2014, he got a promotion at work. He started getting frustrated when he speak to me. I can see it in his expressions that he didn’t have the mood to skype to me. He knew that he was distancing himself, and he was very apologetic for his actions. But he said he couldn’t help himself as his new work scope have been giving him very little sleep and he is frustrated all the time. He said, he don’t know how to handle it and he feels so messed up inside. I told him I understand, and I try my best not to give him added stress by texting him all day long. When he doesn’t reply me, I left him alone until he is ready to reply my messages.

This lasted for a month, and I blew up when he turned silent on me for 3 days… I was angry, because he could have just told me that he didn’t have time to talk, and I would have left him be. But he didn’t say a thing and turned silent. That is what upsets me. So in my anger I send a him a text saying that “I’d rather you just have your own space and stop talking to me. Instead of me trying to figure out what is happening with you.I hate the feeling that you are treating me so hot and coldly. I will not text you anymore and give you your space.”

He replied “There is no good response to it. I am messed up. I’ve been feeling like this for the past few months and I thought I can absorb myself in you. It work initially, but as work keep piling up. I couldn’t sleep, and with little sleep the more frustrated I am. I am sorry I hurt you. You mean the world to me and it upsets me that I hurt you. I wish you live with me so we could work this out together. I can never win back your trust anymore. Let’s break up if you want space between us.”

After this we didn’t talk for a week, and I ask him to skype with me. He said, our relationship will not work anymore. He have shut me out of his heart, he cannot stand the idea of him hurting me. He said he have cried for days and he decided it is best that we do not see and talk to each other anymore. He started blaming himself, blaming my family saying that he feel out of place because he is not of the same culture as I am. Because of the breakup he decided to take a position in his career where he will be moving even further away from me. About 2500 miles away. He says its too far for me.

I am actually quitting my job to move to be with him this coming May. But now he have drop this bomb on me? We are in no contact for 3 weeks now, still friends on facebook but he have put me as an acquaintance so I can only see certain posts in his profile. 5 days ago, he had block me on his mobile phone. He did say he wants to remain friends with me and will contact me again at the end of January.

On my part, I know he loves me and I know we can make this work if he stop making decisions for me and allows me to work this out with him. But another tiny part of me is wondering whether he had stop loving me and just making excuses so that he can break up with me without hurting me too deeply. Do I fight for the man I love, or do I move on if he doesn’t contact me in the next 2 months?

Thank you.

admin

January 26, 2015 at 2:57 pm

Long distance can be tough.

I say you fight for him but why wouldn’t he contact you in the next two months?

NC is only supposed to last for a month.
charice

January 25, 2015 at 1:17 pm

Hi Chris, recently I have been seeing him with pictures of him and another girl on facebook. I know him, so I do know how his courtship is like. The way he holds his conversation with her, and how close they are holding each other in pictures. That’s how he behaved when he first courted me. I don’t know what to do. Maybe that’s the reason why he broke off with me and is just using moving to another country for work as an excuse. Maybe he isn’t moving to another country at all, and just lying to me.

I feel so lost.
admin

January 26, 2015 at 3:48 pm

Another girl huh, that really hurts.

How long did you date him for total?

Anonymous

January 24, 2015 at 5:25 am

Hey Chris ,

PLEASE HELP ME OUT !! 🙁

I had been in a LDR for 1 year and 4 months but my bf broke up with me 2 days ago because he said he couldn’t tolerate the distance he also told me that he didn’t want our relationship to be visual , he wanted it in real life ( and do things like normal couples would do ) because being in a relationship and not being able to see your partner is like living in an illusion for him. For the past 6 months we would always fight because of that distance ( It’s worthy to mention that we are 111 miles away ) Yet , We’ve never met before and our way of communicating depended only on texts and phone calls ( no video calling )He wanted to see me at least once every month but I couldn’t do this because I have over-protective parents who NEVER let me hang out with anyone ( even though I am 18 ) I always stay at home and never go anywehre else but school. They didn’t also know about him so meeting him without their knowledge was really stressful for me. I tried everything but every time we tried to plan for our first meeting , things become messed up later ( I gotta admit , usually because of my conditions that my bf tried to tolerate but couldn’t) To meet him once every month is a thing that I won’t be able to do before at least 2 years from now but he said that he couldn’t take this situation anymore 🙁
and what made things worse , is that he’s always busy with his studies because at university they got ENDLESS exams so we’d RARELY text if we have time … He has a very stressful time at his college so he felt that everything is just getting nothing but worse and worse.
We were supposed to meet 1 week from now but he told me that meeting just once a year is never enough and that it is not the same as getting to see me daily.

we both love each other so much. I know he still loves me and cares about me even when he broke up with me he said ( I thought I’d be the first man to keep his word but I let you down … what a shame !! I’ve said this before and I am repeating this again , anyone who does what I’ve done doesn’t deserve to stay alive ) and when I asked him why done what? , he told me ( I’ve hurt the most girl I’ve ever and still love.I don’t even deserve a girl like you but I want to you to know that if are ever meant to be together , I swear I’ll be the happiest man on Earth ) I hate the fate that made us meet like that. He wants us now to be friends but to be honest I DON’T. So how can I get him back ? Does the NC rule apply to this too ? If so , how can I do it in my ldr and what excuse I can make ? We talked today ( as friends ) for about ( 5-10 mins ) but everything sounded so fake. None of us can treat the other as a friend but we’re forced to. Besides , the thought of him being with another girl kills me !
I know I have been so talkative and I am really sorry but I need your help !! How to get that fixed 🙁

admin

January 26, 2015 at 2:54 pm

Well, you two are at an awkward stage right now where you are post breakup and its just weird. YOu really haven’t done anything to rebuild the relationship yet.
NC does apply here.

Ella

January 20, 2015 at 6:12 pm

This is more grass is greener but it wouldnt let me post there…Hi, me and my boyfriend were highschool sweet hearts and dated for 6 years until he sudden
He broke up with me while I’m on an internship for 5 months overseas. He literally told me it was the grass is greener on the other side situation and couldn’t see himself marrying me. I’m currently 5 days into NC and was wondering should I contact him after 30 days because I’ll still be overseas and won’t be back until a month after 30 days of NC. How should I go about this?

admin

January 21, 2015 at 2:59 pm

Sorry, I have just corrected the posting issues. I have gotten rid of the captcha.
Ella

January 26, 2015 at 12:59 pm

I’ve reposted under grash is greener
admin

January 26, 2015 at 4:31 pm

Gotaha!

I will take a look at that.

Haley

November 25, 2014 at 3:16 am

Hi Chris so I am in serious need of some help, I feel like I can’t make a right decision with my situation.
Here’s my situation in the shortest version possible.
We dated for 2 and a half years.
Have now been broken up for 5 months.
He lives in Oregon and I live in Washington and we did the long distance for over a year.
We broke up because the distance got hard but we both still loved each other. I broke up with him and for the first couple months we were broken up I did see other people and he didn’t. He is still not very happy with this. Still we have continued to talk the entire time.
Finally, when I wanted to get back together he did not because he felt that he needed to do his own thing. Now he still says he loves me and still comes to visit me.
I did the 30 day no contact rule because he said he was going on dates. He constantly tried to get ahold of me the last week of it. Sent many texts and called many times. We have talked a lot since then and 2 weeks ago he came in town to visit. I wanted to be the ungettable girl by not kissing him or showing any kind of girlfriend-like affection but he didn’t like that. He said he missed me so much and wanted to sleep over and act like we used to when we were together. When we got into an argument one day he did bring up another girl at his work who has liked him for some time. Apparently she is VERY interested in being extremely affectionate with him (if you know what I mean). He says that she is not his type in any way and wouldn’t ever want to pursue a relationship with her. He said that he has hung out with her quite a few times (I’m sure kissed her as well but didn’t ask) but that he has not slept with her because he knows it would mean me never wanting to see him again. He went on to say that if we are going to argue though then maybe he should just do his own thing and be young and have fun with her just for the hell of it. However, later it seemed as if he was only saying that to provoke me. I believe this because later I asked him if he finds a girl he is going to be interested in to let me know right away. He went on to say that I am the girl he is interested in and he is not doing things with other girls.
I still feel as if I may be doing the wrong thing. My problem is that I dont know how to be the ungettable girl when we are living in different states. He is only here for short periods of time so if I reject him when he is here then yes he may want to chase me even more but by the time he’s done pouting about it he’s going to be back in Oregon. It’s hard to use this method when I don’t have very much time with him.
I really have no idea whats going through his mind right now and how I should act when I am with him. Any advice would be extremely helpful!!!!

admin

November 25, 2014 at 3:07 pm

Hmm… Well, usually youd have to set up a date but the problem is that you are long distance so I think you should get back on romantic terms with him first and then try to visit each other eventually.
Haley

November 25, 2014 at 5:20 pm

So it’s okay to be romantic with him then? In your book it said that doing a friends with benefits situation is not a good idea. I guess we aren’t exactly doing friends with benefits but instead as he puts it we are acting as boyfriend and girlfriend but without actually having the titles. Do you think this means that he does see us getting back together eventually but just not at this moment in time?
admin

November 26, 2014 at 2:54 pm

Oh by no means am I saying FWB is a good idea. Call me old fashioned but I think that you should wait for a guy to commit before you giv ehim the goods.

I think any time a guy makes an excuse it is lame. If megan fox wanted to date him do you think he’d think twice or make an excuse? Use that logic.
Haley

November 27, 2014 at 2:19 am

Well I didn’t mean sex. I have told him that’s not happening but we still do other things. So is that still okay?
admin

November 28, 2014 at 3:16 pm

Nope, make him work for it.
Haley

December 6, 2014 at 9:14 pm

How exactly do I make him work for it? Also what if I told him that I understand if he’s not ready to commit to a relationship right now but I will only do that stuff if we are both monogamous.
admin

December 8, 2014 at 12:46 pm

Don’t say that understanding line. It makes you look weak.
Haley

December 6, 2014 at 5:59 pm

Make him work for it how? Won’t he just go elsewhere if I’m not being affectionate with him?
admin

December 8, 2014 at 12:45 pm

Hahaha… let me teach you a fun little trick about men.

We do best when we get affection and then its suddenly taken away from us and then it comes back and then its taken away.
Haley

December 16, 2014 at 5:49 am

Okay so he’s in town a lot over the next month and we are making a lot of plans. He told me he’s not seeing anyone else and he still loves me very much but he’s still hurt that I dated someone else for a little while right after we broke up. Once he leaves town again should I be contacting him. Or should I always let him contact me first? Should I do another NC period?

Leslie

October 28, 2014 at 3:04 am

Chris,
Hey Chris! I talked to you awhile back and still read you book when I can! You said my relationship is worth fighting for and that the only thing hurting our relationship is distance. Well I ended up moving to. For a paid intern and will be with my family for awhile. I will get a paid internship and graduate with a masters 2016. I would be willing to move but it will be awhile and I could be with him in the summer. We recently texted. He told me he missed me and missed where we used to live but we both said we are happily being with family. He then said he was happy for me, that he wanted to see how I was and that he would keep in better touch. He knows I would move. Do you think he is interested and that I have a chance? I am not quite sure what my next step should be. Thanks for the help!

admin

October 28, 2014 at 4:32 pm

Hi Leslie!

I think he would if the attraction and connection was strong enough.
Leslie

October 28, 2014 at 10:04 pm

Ok so what should me next step be then? Do you think I have a chance even though I wouldn’t be able to move until 2016? Your advice in this page was helpful on how to make it work. I have three months off in the summer to where I can be with him.
Thanks
Aislynn

Diana

October 10, 2014 at 10:23 pm

Will NC serve as a benefit when trying to get ex boyfriend back if he is now living in another country, but will visit every now and then?

admin

October 13, 2014 at 6:05 pm

I think so.

Kosy

October 6, 2014 at 6:04 pm

Hi Chris,so my boyfriend and I broke up a month ago after he hacked into my achives and found out there was another guy I was seeing.weve been in long distance for a yr and every year I spemd my summer with him.this is my last year of school so I will move entirely back to where he is.after he found out he begged me to choose between them and I chose him.after I moved back to school.things became hard for him because he said he didn’t trust me again.i pleaded and we worked things out.we came back and he broke up again and for the 3rd broke up again.i understand it was hard for him considering the guy I cheated on him with was in my school.i applied the no contact for a weak and I felt prey to contact him.he was still in pain and said he had moved on and he is hurt and he is Alwaz looking over his shoulder and wants to be free of that.later he said he wants to be alone to clear his head.i love him and I want to work on getting him back.m afraid if I don’t talk to him,he might totally move on although he admitted he still loves me but not inlove with me anymore.do I still apply the no contact list nd this time go through with.m confused and are there chances of us getting back,together.

admin

October 7, 2014 at 1:38 pm

If you talk to him you may come off as needy though….

You cheated so he is probably very scared about getting back with you. You are going to have to find a way to guarantee that it will never happen again.
Kosy

October 12, 2014 at 4:33 pm

I did.cut the other guy completely and was there more with him chatting everyday till late but his mind still didn’t rest.he says he will be wondering wat m doing when I say good nite and he can’t trsut me.
Kosy

October 12, 2014 at 4:38 pm

He is talking to me now a lot nd chatting but still insist he can’t be in a long distance relationship with me.yet he calls and sounds like we cool,then later he reminds himself of what happened and pulls back.today he said we trying to work things after saying he likes where we r which is talking nd video chatting.cant still tell if he is in or out or coming around

Taryn

October 3, 2014 at 8:10 pm

Thank you Chris so much for caring and for your support. Your website has truly helped me, and still can. I’ve learned so much and will keep using the tips and advice.

And now I wait patiently, for Ryan to come up with the time and money to see me. Till then, I will do my best to make the long distance work. We are now only separated by 1 hour.

Ryan told me over the phone that he has 2 more years of school left. And that he is planning on transferring schools either next semester or the semester after that. He’ll be transferring to a school here in Buffalo. There’s no doubt in my mind that He been making a lot of his choices based on me. I mean, I could be wrong lol. But he moved home to Rochester. And now he’s saying he will move to Buffalo where I am? Haha, subconsciously he could be thinking ahead, with me in mind. The man wants a baby with me and said he loves me. So it’s possible.

But yes, thank you Chris! I will keep you updated. Ryan and I still have a ways to go. Gotta make him want to make his official girlfriend.

Ttyl!

admin

October 6, 2014 at 11:35 am

Good work Taryn!

Getting a man to move out to you is a HUGE deal!!!!

A

September 18, 2014 at 3:47 am

Hey Chris! I’ve been an avid reader for months and you’ve helped me out by personally responding to my questions, and I really truly appreciate it, and admire you for it.

I actually have a question for a friend today. She was dating a guy long distance for 2.5 weeks and they really hit it off, and she felt like they really had a connection. The problem is that she has a fear of abandonment, and when he went from sending her daily texts to not texting her for several days, she panicked, and she wrote him this long message saying she thought he was great but couldn’t handle the stress of not knowing what was going on and waiting to see him. The crazy thing is that she very dramatically said goodbye to him, and that she could never stand to hear from him again, and he was completely cool about it. He kind of ignored her craziness and just said, “No worries, I understand. I’m still going to be your friend. I’ll talk to you after work.”

She and I share the same brand of crazy, and I immediately recognized that she really liked him, but as someone who is used to abandonment from early she assumed that meant he was going to leave her, so in order to feel in control and make it hurt less she pushed him away before she could. So, my question is, since he was kind of cool about it, and she’s come to her senses, is there something she could say to him to be like, “Haha, false alarm?” Like would it make her seem more cray to be like, “Honestly, I like you, and I got scared, so in a moment of panic I tried to push you away?” Or is that just a total red flag and turn off?

admin

September 18, 2014 at 4:46 pm

Did they ever see each other in person?
A

September 18, 2014 at 8:12 pm

Yes, I think they’ve seen each other a couple of times. She just got back from visiting him.
A

September 19, 2014 at 5:21 am

Okay, I know it probably seems like I’m the, “friend,” but I swear I’m not. I’m dealing with my own ex boyfriends’ (yes, that’s plural) issues that I think are beyond help… Also, that makes me sound like a whore with a lot of drama, but I’m 30, and I’ve only ever had 2 boyfriends in my life, and they both happened to have called me tonight (at which point I uncovered an ELABORATE, hilarious plot by one of them to seduce me. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the show Lost, but this was a long con type of operation)… Okay, I’m getting totally off track. The point is my question really is for my friend:

ANYWAY, he actually wrote her back, and it was this incredibly long and thoughtful message about how he respected her, and how he wasn’t making excuses for not contacting her he just wanted to take things slow because it’s long distance, etc., and he said he respected her decision, but wanted to stay in touch, and to let him know if she ever needed anything. So, I’m like, “This guy is great! You cannot let him go!” I told her if she still was interested she should just be honest and say she got scared, and see if he wanted to take things slooow, and just see where it went without putting too much pressure on it to be serious right away.

Do you think that sounds like a good thing for her to say to him? Clearly, my relationship skills are sub par. I don’t want lead her astray.

island girl

September 16, 2014 at 7:44 pm

Hi Chris. I love your blog. I don’t want my ex-boyfriend recovered. However, I would like if you could explain why he deleted me off Skype, snapchat, whatsapp, and league of legends? (I don’t have Facebook)
I was a “texting gnat” on the day of the breakup and only that day. Because we broke up over whatsapp and Skype, and I needed closure. But I never bothered him after that day.

We are both 17 and had been together for 3 months. The farthest we have gone intimately is making out, as I told him my beliefs. He said he didn’t agree with them, but he liked me too much and was going to show me how strong he would be by waiting until marriage for sex too. I had brought up breaking up about 4 times in the past because during the week when we did not see each other, he would not initiate conversations online or put any effort in to them once we did. I tried to contact him every 2-3 days, rather than daily. In the beginning of our relationship he would text me daily. We saw each other only once a week, or once every two weeks, so I was not “clingy” or “needy”. However, I told him that I wanted him to try to talk to me more during the week. And sometimes he would simply not reply to my messages. It felt like we were having a weekend relationship, only. But the days we were together were like a Nicholas Sparks movie. He would stare in to my eyes a lot and give me piggyback rides. He is a private person with few friends and he doesn’t go out to parties much. I liked him because he was a gentleman. But when he stopped talking to me when we weren’t together it made me feel neglected. So on the 3rd time I approached him about breaking up, I was crying because I was frustrated with the whole situation. He was surprised that I was crying over him, and took it as a sign that I cared too much. I think my crying scared him. But anyway, after that Skype session about breaking up, I told him lets try to make it work one more time. So we both agreed we would. I went to his house a few days and we had an amazing date in which he kissed me passionately, gave me chocolate and told me “I would have missed this.” Three days later he was acting distant in whatsapp, not replying to my texts. So I said, “are we still together or not?” And that’s when he initiated his break up speech. His reason was that he felt he wasn’t the right guy for me. And that he wasn’t making me happy. He said I probably cared too much for him, more than he cared for me. This is false because earlier in the relationship he was talking about marriage and the future and how much he liked me. He also said he thinks we were missing “him wanting to grab my attention at all times.” And that he could never recall talking to anyone who felt they had to “force” him into conversation. So we broke up. I did a bit of begging and lamenting during the break up. He said if i ever needed him and wanted to talk he would be there. I told him I didn’t want to talk at all. But that it might change in the future. After that, I sent him a long message telling him i respect his decision and that we had a great relationship while it lasted, and i wished him a good future. he replied “okay thank you.”

He had deleted me from Skype yesterday, which was two weeks after the breakup, when he saw me online. He also deleted me from snapchat and whatsapp and league of legends. I am wondering why the animosity? Why is he acting like our relationship was so bitter? Does he hate me?

admin

September 17, 2014 at 4:21 pm

Perhaps the article on him blocking you could be helpful to you.
island girl

September 16, 2014 at 7:50 pm

Another thing. On the Skype almost-break up he told me that I was settling by staying with him even though my need of conversation wasn’t being met. He said that I have the looks, attitude, and brains to get better than him. And that if I ended up happy with someone else and he ended up alone for the rest of his life, the breakup would have been worth it.

That’s sweet and all, but why would he treat me so cruelly after the breakup by deleting me off of everything? Even during the breakup day, I know he was busy with homework, but he didn’t want to talk much and he was very blunt and robotic over Skype.

anonymous

September 16, 2014 at 12:20 am

I put NC into effect after my long distance bf told me he wasn’t sure I was the one and broke up with me. Before this we had been talking about me moving to be with him (across the country), together 2+ yrs
It has been almost 18 days and he is home visiting his family. he asked me to dinner next week (well in advance). I have not responded yet but because of the distance our chances to see each other are limited. I am not sure how I feel about dinner.
any thoughts?

admin

September 16, 2014 at 3:26 pm

I would go to dinner with him.

M.

September 15, 2014 at 4:22 pm

Hi 🙂
What does it mean when your ex is ignoring you? Does it mean he’s totally over you? He’s rude? 😉 Afraid?
My ex is doing this, so I’m curious.
I’m sure he’s going to ignore everything I text him…

admin

September 16, 2014 at 3:10 pm

Not necessarily…

Has he blocked you or is he just ignoring you?
M.

September 17, 2014 at 4:19 am

Ignoring.

Taryn

September 15, 2014 at 3:23 pm

Nice!

I like this article!

admin

September 16, 2014 at 3:07 pm

I hoped you would Taryn! I was thinking that this would be helpful for you especially.
Taryn

September 16, 2014 at 8:01 pm

Thank you! It does help. And things are getting even better. Today I tried your advice from the article about calling them on the phone. So I sent Ryan a very short video text to say hi. He loved it. He’s been so sweet to me. For me, I have learned that since Ryan is a straight forward man, I have to be straight forward back. That doesn’t always work for everyone. But it works for him and I so well. I am very happy.

I called him Saturday, but he was unavailable to talk at the time. So he apologized to me and said that he needs to be more active in my life. We have been talking almost every day.

The purpose of my phone call is to talk to him about seeing each other soon. He’s actually moving back to Rochester (from California) very soon. Originally he was going to wait until he graduated from school. But he’s moving back now. So he will only be 1 hour away from me in Buffalo :]

That’s much better than being 3000 miles apart and 3 hours ahead of him. So I will definitely see him more often.

He’s been making a lot of efforts lately. Trying to be present more. And apologize for not being there. He has changed a lot. I didn’t change him. I never would. But he has changed. For the better.

Last week when we talked he told me that he wouldn’t be a better person without me. And that I am truly amazing. That was nice to hear. The way he is feeling is the way I want him to feel when we see each other.

I am happy and thankful. This isn’t my happy ending. It is just the beginning.

When we see each other, then we can move forward even more. Slowly still. I’ll let you know what happens. My goal is for him to ask me to be his girlfriend, and keep building from there. And work together on things. And agree on things. And further down the line, get married. Pretty far of a thought, but I’d be wasting my time if I didn’t want that.

:]
admin

September 17, 2014 at 4:22 pm

I think things are really going in the right direction.

I really do!
Taryn

September 17, 2014 at 10:26 pm

Thank you :]

Last night he and I were texting and he told me that he loves me! Omg! It’s the first time he’s ever admitted that and said that to me. Wow!
admin

September 18, 2014 at 4:35 pm

Well what do you know..

How did the text go exactly?
Taryn

September 19, 2014 at 6:44 pm

My plan is to take a break from talking to him for a week. To pull back for a bit. We’ve been talking almost every day this week. Gotta make him prove that love of his for me :]

He has moved back to Rochester now. So we’re only an hour apart. So it’ll make this whole thing easier. But I am going to pull back a little.
Taryn

October 1, 2014 at 11:36 am

Ryan called me yesterday :]]]]]]

I missed his call, but either way he called! And that’s a big deal for us because he hates talking on the phone. I’m excited!
admin

October 1, 2014 at 4:01 pm

Congrats!!!

Did you call him back?
Taryn

October 3, 2014 at 12:50 pm

I called him yesterday on break at work. We started the day by texting. And then I called him. He was talking up a storm lol. He did most of the talking. Told me what he’s been up to. Talked about work and school. He even talked about marriage and kids. And how he wants those things after he graduates. He was talking about how he would have new responsibilities to his wife, and as a father. He talked about how he won’t have student loans because he gets paid to go to school by the military.

He talked and talked lol. Then he got to work, and I was like, “oh. Do you have to go?” Lol he said no. And wanted to keep talking. He said that he can talk on his phone at work. But then we had to go. He texted me later after he got out of work :]

On the phone we talked about seeing each other. He said that he wants to save up money and see me soon :]
admin

October 3, 2014 at 2:44 pm

Well, Taryn!

Of all the people on this site you deserve something good to happen to you. You have been doing great!!!!!
Taryn

September 19, 2014 at 11:35 pm

Actually, I won’t do that :] I believe things are going so well. I’ll play it all by ear :]
admin

September 29, 2014 at 1:26 pm

Keep me updated.
Taryn

September 29, 2014 at 8:08 pm

Okay, I will Chris :]
Taryn

September 18, 2014 at 6:01 pm

It went very well actually. We talked for a bit. We said we missed each other. He said I love you. Twice. And we said Goodnight.

I could tell that he does. I already knew. I just wanted him to admit it. I hoped and prayed that he would. And all on his own he did. But love is an action word. So I will let him show me, with his actions, that he really does.

He and I will be just fine. I have faith in God and always have. So many answered prayers. He’s been very busy with school and work. But still makes time for me. We will be meeting up very soon.

And that’s that

:]
admin

September 29, 2014 at 12:39 pm

Thats Great Taryn!

Any new updates?
Taryn

September 29, 2014 at 1:07 pm

Since then Ryan and I have been talking almost every day :]

He moved back home to Rochester now, so he’s only an hour away from me. We were going to see each other this weekend, but he got busy with family. But we’ll see each other soon!!

Last week I reminded him of the first time we kissed. And he loved it. He has asked if he could sleep over, but I said no lol. And he took it well.

My goal is that he will ask me to be his girlfriend before the year is up. And then fiancé. Then wife lol. I’d be wasting my time if I didn’t want those things in the near future :] But he and I will have to talk about these things in person.

I am very happy :]

Girl

September 11, 2014 at 10:53 am

My ex Boyf broke up with me about 5 weeks ago. We had been together 1 1/2 years. We had long distance relationship. About 8 months into it we broke up as we had hardships. He kept texting me and I then drove down after about 5 weeks to talk things through. I found out he had been seeing his ex. He told me in front of her he wanted me and called the police on her because she tried to kill me and smashed up the house. He then moved out because she kept turning up. I got down and not myself a few months after. He booked a holiday for me to cheer me up for two weeks. He then broke up with me two weeks after he booked it. Three weeks later he is currently on holiday with her. She’s actually mental and just turns up and is there always. I’m so hurt and humiliated. He’s been texting me saying he loves me and misses me and wishes things were different. Yet failed to tell me he took her on my holiday. I’ve even asked him to delete my number and he refused sometimes texting me 12 times before I responded. He blocked me on Instagram so I didn’t see the pic of her on hol but my friend saw and told me. What is wrong with people. I’m sat at home distraught and they are having the time of their lives. How is this fair ? Do people regret treating people like this or have karma? I’m so hurt. I’ve been faithful and loyal unlike her who stripped behind his back, does drugs and causes scenes. She’s even cheated on him. She loves she’s there but why doesn’t she have self respect and he’s absolutely vile. I want to know that I won’t always feel like this and that he will regret his behaviour to me. I have blocked him off everything now. I would never ever go back as I am humiliated and trust is broken. But he refused to leave me alone and until I blocked him I would hear from him every couple of days crying about breaking up with me. He said if it wasn’t long distance it would be different. Please help just for my closure.

admin

September 15, 2014 at 3:33 pm

Ok, well someone who goes back to someone who strips, does drugs and causes scenes isn’t someone you probably want to be involved with in the long run.

Kahlan

September 10, 2014 at 2:03 pm

Chris, as a guy, I hope you can answer our questions about how the male minds work on this one:

Why do boys, and exes in particular, warmly wish you happy birthday, happy new year and merry christmas every year, like your statuses and photos, etc but when it comes to real communication, they do not initiate conversation, or sound cold when we girls do finally reach out?

I told an ex that I am going to his city for work for a few days, he was super cold. Whereas normally, he would always say things like “I hope I can see you again” ?!?!?!?!

This hot and cold is driving me mad!

admin

September 15, 2014 at 3:31 pm

B/c its socially acceptable to.
Kahlan

September 10, 2014 at 2:04 pm

Gosh I just realized the previous comment is somewhat related to the question. Why are exes hot and cold and passive aggressive?
admin

September 15, 2014 at 3:32 pm

I think passive agressive depends on the person and their inability to just be up front and honest about tricky situations.

Anonymous

September 8, 2014 at 10:54 pm

I wasn’t sure which article to comment on for my question, so I guess I wanted to comment on this one since it’s the most recent and least amount of comments.

So I haven’t spoken to my ex in about half a year. A mutual friend of ours got into an accident and her sister messaged me telling me about it (I am really good friends with this girl, so I have actually met her sister a couple of times and hung out). She asked me to tell the rest of our friends since she felt like she was invading her privacy by going through her phone and messaging her friends while she was in the hospital, so I agreed. I messaged everyone about it through a group message and my ex immediately texted me individually asking me questions about it and asking if he’s okay. I responded to his questions and then later he started saying really nice things about me. I was confused and a bit shocked that he picked that opportunity to say things like that when it wasn’t the best time to do so, so I asked him a bit rudely to stop saying those kind of things since it’s the wrong time to do so.

I felt confident in my decision to say that, but I definitely regretted being meaner than I should have been. A week later, I decided to make plans to visit our friend at the hospital, (who lives in a different state now), I felt that I should try and make things right with him by offering to take whatever presents he had for her with me (he wanted to send flowers and a card to her). He was so appreciative of my gesture and wanted to meet up to give me her stuff, but then a couple of days later, backed out and decided to mail them instead.

I am a bit confused and hurt. I was being really genuine and I really wanted to make things right since I am tired of this weird awkwardness and avoiding certain opportunities to hang out with mutual friends in fear of running into him.

Although I don’t want him back, we did end on a bad note, and I just want to make things right. I feel like in serious situations like this, I would like to be able to put our differences aside and just have each others’ backs (not in the sense of talking all the time as best friends, but at least being able to do each other a solid every now and then).

Do you know potential reasons for this change of heart?

admin

September 15, 2014 at 3:18 pm

The change or heart on mailing the presents instead?
Anonymous

September 18, 2014 at 2:49 am

Yes, exactly what I am asking. It felt a bit cold. He wasn’t appreciative of the gesture anymore, it was more of a “nah, nevermind”. I am not sure how to describe it, but the mood shifted a bit.
Anonymous

September 30, 2014 at 8:09 pm

Hi! Have you figured out the answer to my question yet?

Namy

September 5, 2014 at 9:53 pm

Thank so much for the writing, Chris!
I found it’s exactly what we had in our LDR. We thought each othe were “the one”. We were so happy, untill the problems came. We broke up half of year ago, bcause jealousy from both. Now I see that both of us are jealous too much, it hurts so badly. We have tried no contact rule many times, but then it didn’t work because he didn’t belive that I didn’t cheat him, and I can’t accept his relationship with a flirty girl.
We hurt each other so much, so bad, so terrible, that 1 month of no contact rule can’t be enough any more.
Should I just leave him alone some months? Should I explane to him once again before I leave? (I explained many times but he doesn’t belive and doesn’t want to forgive. He came back to me but then brought the story up again and again).
Do you think we still have a chance?

admin

September 15, 2014 at 2:36 pm

Just leave him alone for 21-30 days.

sarah

September 5, 2014 at 1:03 pm

I’m in a LDR right now and we live 8 hours driving away from each other. he just told me last night he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. he hasn’t been replying to my messages and I am devastated. I’m doing my internship for my senior year of college, so I can’t just pick up and go see him. What should I do? I don’t want to necessarily bombard him with texts but at this point I just don’t know what to do.

admin

September 15, 2014 at 2:20 pm

NC seems smart at this point and then slowly rebuild things with texts which lead to phone calls which lead to a face to face meeting.
sarah

September 5, 2014 at 8:51 pm

he still won’t talk to me. we have been together 4 years.
admin

September 15, 2014 at 2:34 pm

Just give it time. This process doesn’t happen overnight.

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