What Makes An Ex Boyfriend Change His Mind About The Breakup?

902 thoughts on “What Makes An Ex Boyfriend Change His Mind About The Breakup?”

Kristen

July 19, 2014 at 8:22 pm

Dear Chris, today marks day one of NC for me. Already it’s hard just thinking about it, and I know it’s only going to get harder. I only just broke up with my boyfriend yesterday, but can’t seem to figure out what his resistance is, I am still unsure about our break up. When we met we clicked instantly, it felt like I’d known him before and dating in the beginning felt like we had been dating forever. We made each other laugh, we liked the same weird strange things that not many other people either of us knew liked. He was so beautiful and so incredibly handsome. He would tell me how beautiful and gorgeous I was. I believe we were each other’s total package significant other. Everything came so naturally with him. Things were always good between us. He went through a rough job that was very stressful and always told me I helped him through it and was very supportive to him through that time. He said he wanted to marry me, talked about buying a house with me someday, talked about having kids one day. So at first he wanted to take a break, which I knew was coming. I was unhappy (not all the time) because I felt like I couldn’t ever see him, work schedules got in the way and I just wanted to spend more time with him. Toward the end of our relationship we didn’t see much of each other because of work schedules; two days a week together tops, if that. With so much physical distance between us, I think it created emotional distance between us. We were both unhappy, him being unhappy was news to me he never led me to believe anything was wrong, so we both agreed taking a break was pretty much the only option. During this time he told me he still loved me, wanted to be with me, it’s not a break up, it’ll be over sooner than later for the good and made it seem like we’d be getting back together. During the break I started working on my issues and addressing them within myself with the hopes of rekindling what we had from the hope he instilled in me with everything he was saying. A week and a half into the break we meet up and he says ‘this isn’t gonna work’. Some of the things he said: “there’s nothing romantically there, after we’d hangout out for a few days in a row it felt like we had nothing left to talk about, I’ve had my heart torn apart.” In telling me all of this he told me it wasn’t fair to me, he wasn’t fair to me. Why get my hopes up? I don’t know where it’s all coming from? I don’t know what his resistance to me/our relationship is? I told him that I still loved him, even though he made me hope that things were going to work out and then just broke it off. (He thought the space from a break would help things, but also knew all along that he wanted to end it, apparently.) I still love him and I still want to be with him. I said to him maybe it isn’t the right time, maybe we need more space and time apart and in the future (near or not so near) we can be together again. I would very much like this to happen, I still want to be with him. The way we left things, seems to me like there is something still there between us. He said he would like that to happen too, for us to possibly be together again in the future, for us to not focus on that, but that maybe it just wasn’t the right time for us, or maybe we need a little more time apart to realize. I want to try NC for at least the 30 days, see if maybe he will contact me before then or I contact him after NC if/when I feel up to it.
What is his resistance?
What could his thoughts be on the NC, having his heart broken before? Does he know how all of this works and would it not work on him?
Will NC work and maybe we could have another shot at us in the future like we both said would like to happen?
What should I do?

admin

July 21, 2014 at 4:02 pm

How long did you date him total?
Kristen

July 21, 2014 at 10:11 pm

It was a year and month total
Kristen

July 26, 2014 at 2:48 pm

Just kidding, don’t think I want him back! A girl he works with is posting emojis of hearts on his facebook. Something’s going on. Sure it may be rebound, but I find him nothing but repulsive and disgusting right now. How could I confront him or try to get him to be honest with me about why he broke up with me? I’m only about a week into NC
What should I do!?
admin

July 28, 2014 at 2:42 pm

Finish out the NC first. Let things unfold.
Kristen

July 28, 2014 at 11:18 pm

So should I not contact him at all for the 30 days still? Do I even ask him for the truth for why he broke up with me and mention this possible new girl at all?

How the heck do I approach this situation now!? ..I’m a little lost in this case
admin

July 29, 2014 at 7:52 pm

Yup…
Kristen

July 29, 2014 at 8:03 pm

What do I text when NC is over? Do I ignore this girl and ignore trying to get the truth out of him?
admin

July 30, 2014 at 2:54 pm

Ignore both haha.
Kristen

July 30, 2014 at 2:59 pm

Ok so just send a normal casual text I can do that. But why would I want him back if he can’t be honest with me or he just jumped into a rebound relationship or was even cheating on me or something?
admin

August 4, 2014 at 1:40 pm

I think only you can answer why you want him back…
Kristen

July 19, 2014 at 8:25 pm

I forgot to mention that we were together for just over a year.

Beth

July 19, 2014 at 6:16 am

I was with my bf for 8 years. i was 19 when i met him and we lived together for the last 3 yrs. About 2 months ago, we had an argument about me not taking initiative and making the same mistakes and thats when he blew up and said that he loved me as a person but was not in love with me. we did not have contact for about 2 wks and then i caved and called him (i couldnt function in daily life anymore). we calmly talked about how we should stay friends and how he just doesnt want the responsabilities of a gf right now and said its not me its he feels he cant love anyone. we left it at that. 2 days later he called me to see how i was. it was a shock. since then we have been talking and texting everyday (he initiates), hanging out every weekend, but strictly as friends, he says im the only person he trusts and his best friend. do u believe there are guys that cant fall in love or is it that they havent found the right girl?

admin

July 21, 2014 at 4:00 pm

You met him when you were 19 yet you were with him for 8 years which makes you 27.

He hasn’t made you his wife yet???
Beth

July 24, 2014 at 2:00 am

hahahaha, i know i get the same reaction from everyone. honestly its not a big thing for me, whose marriages work out these days anyway? i’d rather have someone that is committed to me than a husband who isnt. But yeah, he went thru medical issues for a few years before me (seizures) and when i met him he was barely coming out of it, a long depression. he says he feels he was robbed a few years of life bc of what he went thru and feels like he has to make up for lost time (getting his life together). he says he never wants to have kids or get married, hes 34 now. ive never asked him for either, i am happy just with him. i know, sounds lame.

Georgia

July 19, 2014 at 1:21 am

Hi, I was just wondering if the ’emotional hooks’ were to be put in place before the breakup or after? If after, how do you create the hooks?

Thank you so much for your help x

admin

July 21, 2014 at 3:58 pm

Usually after and the best way to create the emotional hooks is to end conversations at the high point where its getting really exciting and YOU don’t want it to end.

Maiya

July 18, 2014 at 10:46 pm

Hello Chris,

I stumbled onto your site by accident, just wanting to know how strict a No Contact phase should be. But then I saw your other articles, and I must say they have been very helpful to me, especially since I’ve just recently broke up with my boyfriend a month ago.

We knew each other from an overseas trip many years ago. From that trip, I really felt something for him and even more so last year when we met again. We entered into a relationship for a year despite living in different cities and hour and a half away. Unfortunately just barely into our first year together we broke up. The decision to break up was mutual–his reasons were that he could not see himself commit to going back and forth for another 6 months, and that he wanted a girlfriend who was nearby. He was also bothered about our different stages in life–that he was working and I was a student. And my reason was that I’m not going anywhere because I was still studying, and I told him clearly that this was my priority. Also, if he could not commit to going back and forth to see each other for the next 6 months, then I’d rather we break up.

Since then, he’s tried to reach out three times–two times by text and one when he tried to add me on skype. I stuck onto No Contact like my life depended on it, until now. I have to, because I needed to have my head on my shoulders because I have an important deadline coming up.

Thing is, I’m still very much in love with him. And for some reason, I know in my heart that he does too–why else would he reach out in less than a month? But our circumstances seem to prevent us from doing so–or at least to him. I don’t mind going back and forth, but to him it meant a lot. From your post, I think he is experiencing the Grass is Greener Syndrome–especially since he was saying he wanted a girlfriend in the same city.

Anyway, what I’m really trying to ask is–how about in circumstances such as ours? To be honest Chris, I want him back in my life as a boyfriend but I don’t want to go back to the way we were. The distance between us restricted the time we had together, and thus restricted the foundation for our relationship. This time I would like us to get to know each other again as if we never had a relationship before–so that we can build a stronger foundation.

How would you propose I go about in getting my ex boyfriend back who lives far away, but without compromising the responsibility that I have as a student?

Thank you very much for your insights.

admin

July 21, 2014 at 3:54 pm

I think you can do a shorter NC b/c he clearly seems very interested in getting back together.
Maiya

July 21, 2014 at 9:42 pm

Do you think so? To be honest he has not explicitly told me he wants to get back together. The first time he asked how I was. I answered briefly and threw back he question but right after he answered I ended the conversation, saying that I needed to go. The second one was also the same, but with a question whether I was doing much this weekend. That’s when I started to do NC, and did not reply to him at all.

As with skype, well I removed him from my contacts before but when I logged on again I see him as a pending contact request.

What do you think? I have been contemplating on breaking my NC, but I just want to make sure that him being interested isn’t just in my head.

Thank you so much again for taking the time.
admin

July 22, 2014 at 2:30 pm

Well, he seems interested in talking to you again. But I wouldn’t break NC..
Maiya

July 25, 2014 at 11:50 pm

Hi Chris,

It’s Day 3 and I’ve now broken my NC. I only sent a positive text telling him how I’m reminded of good memories with him on our travels. Viber has told me that he has seen it, but he has not replied. It’s disappointing but I’ve been telling myself that there should be no expectations at all.

I’ve a feeling his a bit shocked to hear from me after ignoring him for sometime. What do you think?
admin

July 28, 2014 at 2:34 pm

3 days hahaha you lasted 3 days.

You have to last longer.
Maiya

July 28, 2014 at 9:49 pm

Hahaha oh sorry about that Chris, I don’t know what happened when I lost that 0… It was actually Day 30, not Day 3. I started on the 25th of June, then ended on 25th of July.
Maiya

July 29, 2014 at 10:42 pm

So any thoughts, Chris?

Kuulei

July 18, 2014 at 2:01 am

Yes.
Is my situation a lost cause?

admin

July 18, 2014 at 4:01 pm

Not totally… But realistically when you look at it what percentage chance do you think you have? I am asking your opinion.

eeek

July 17, 2014 at 7:52 pm

Hey Chris, me n my ex seem to chat well from time to time, he compliments my profile pics but doesnt always respond to me.. I feel its time we finally met up to ignite more of a fire hopefully (its been 7 months). I recently asked him ‘are you busy over the next few weekends?’ but he didnt respond, oops. Now my question is… How do I come back from this?? Do I text him again after waiting a while?

admin

July 18, 2014 at 3:59 pm

You shoul dhave been more firm with a time and led up to asking him out.

Luna

July 17, 2014 at 4:33 pm

Hi Chris. Been awhile since I posted. Basically it’s been 5 months since my ex broke up with me. I already slipped up on NC because we texted briefly and saw each other at two events with mutual friends. I told him over Facebook I didn’t want to be just friends and some other things and he removed me from FB. On impulse I requested him a week before my birthday and he accepted and wished me happy birthday and that was the last time we spoke (towards the end of May)

He apparently removed me again sometime after that and I really don’t know why or why he bothered to accept me again except just to wish happy birthday. I’m trying to give him space and work on myself but I don’t want to leave off on a bad note before distancing myself. I wrote up a brief, casual letter, to just apologize in one sentence and to wish my regards and let him know I’m doing okay. A mutual friend also wants to talk to him in a non-confrontational way to explain my side of things from an outside perspective. So I don’t know if I should send the letter until after that, or at all. Should I even try to leave off on a better note?

admin

July 18, 2014 at 3:57 pm

I am not a fan of letters…

Ely

July 17, 2014 at 3:07 pm

This is my second time doing NC. I’m halfway through and he’s reached out once. If you enter NC a second time, would you do the full 30 days or 21?

admin

July 18, 2014 at 3:55 pm

I tend to be on the 21 day side for this.

lisa

July 17, 2014 at 9:20 am

Hi Chris! Just wanted to start of by saying thanks so much for this website, you have helped us all so much wish you all the best in your future endeavors!

Anyway; my bf and I have broken up since September 25th of 2013 so that’s 10 months… And last time I saw him was 8 months ago but recently about two weeks ago I messaged him saying hi and he was shocked and replied with a ” Wow, hey did not expect you to message me, how are you? How’s your holiday?” I was shocked because I asked how he knew it was me and he said he still had my number … (Even thought I deleted his) and then he knew I was on holiday from my Facebook post (which I don’t have him on, saw from a friends post or stalked :P) so the convo went pretty well talking and now we’ve been talking a fair bit. Tried to give him space at the same time … And he also kept saying how happy he is that I’m happy and yesterday when I snap chatted him “sick” he asked if I was ok and what was wrong and I said just went to hospital and he said “you’re always like that, take better care of yourself” (kind of cute to see he still cares…)

My question is… I don’t know where this leaves me, he thinks of us as friends, and he is t the type to go out and find girls.. All he does is study, work and game and he never has casual talks to people.. So if I wanted to wait for him to talk first id be wasting my time since he is stubborn and doesn’t see a point (plus exams are 2 weeks away) but I’ll be back in my country in 3 weeks or so

Should I stop talking and wait until he talks first? ( even though she showed that in this 8 months he didn’t I had to say hi) Should I wait until I bump into him while he’s working? It it too late…. We went out for 2 years and 8 months… Help give me tips on what to do or how to get him interested without annoying him…
He’s just too nice and cares a lot but might not think we can get back. And I don’t care how long this takes but I don’t want to rush (like you mentioned)

Just please reply with a reply to help me.

P.S im back home and we still talk… im first on his snapchat top friends… and he is on mine.. i send photos and tease him and he is obviously keen.. suggested sex and stuff.. we’ve even sexted and he called me on viber… he is following me on instagram.. and yet he doesnt like my photos but he likes this other girls photo that he likes/liked but she is still going on about her ex and doesnt like my ex? (if that makes sense..)

i dont know what to do… we talk, he replies, we laugh at jokes, were both flirty… but if i dont talk he wont.. unless he randomly says “haha nice snap” and we continue from there…

admin

July 18, 2014 at 3:18 pm

Has he mostly been interested in sex?

I noticed you mentioned sexting.
Lisa

July 18, 2014 at 5:44 pm

No not mostly it’s just I can tell he wouldn’t mind getting physical since I wouldn’t mind either … but we talk about other stuff as well.

Yes… He started flirting and saying your breast are fake full of tissues and just flirting and I said but I’m sure you remember he said nope it’s been awhile since I’ve been with anyone last.. You were my last and I know for a fact you stuff tissues ! And I laughed and said it’s not then it progressed from there and he viber called me and we did some stuff … ( I know I know.. What was I thinking.. Desperate right?) but I know him.. I know he just has to see me or verbally talk to me to miss the old times..

Is all hope lost? He is keen… he said even if we so have sex only once … And doesn’t want anyone to find out… I know it sounds bad but how do I show him I’ve changed since we went out and grew up a lot .. Were both turning 20 in November.
admin

July 21, 2014 at 3:07 pm

Full of tissues?

That’s his way of flirting?
lisa

July 22, 2014 at 1:36 am

haha yes… he meant the photo you sent me… “you stuff your bra..” flirting as in send me another photo so i can say yeap they are real.. and i replied with don’t you remember and he said no.. its been a while 😉 … ( face palm)

would it even make a difference if he saw me after 8 months? (last time we had sex.. and saw eachother on my birthday dinner with friends)
* ive lost weight… and look happier (like my old self)
is it too early to ask for a catch up coffee? or would he think.. great… shes not over me .. wants me again because he suggested we have sex again (but only if im up for it) only.. once..

I don’t understand his intensions.. he’s keen (yes) he’s flirty (yes) (he misses me… maybe) he wants to see me.. (maybe.. scared it’ll give me hope)

HELP lol
admin

July 22, 2014 at 2:39 pm

I don’t know… maybe I am a fan of more romantic flirting haha.

I think it would make a difference especially if you look amazing!
Lisa

July 23, 2014 at 12:29 am

Hmmm so you’re saying be more romantic? How do I do that when i don’t want to seem so keen and still in love ? It’s hard because it feels like I have to do the chasing the he has too? Is that bad? (Since my ex is very stubborn)

So if looks do matter… HOW do I ask to catchup if I’m scared it’s too soon? (8 months since we last saw) should I suggest to catchup or should he… (He won’t, scared to give me hope)

Do you actually see hope ? What else can I do.. We can talk without being awkward on text… we can flirt.. We know sexually were both interested, and it’s just what’s next for me to show him I’m better than the girl he thinks he likes 🙁
admin

July 24, 2014 at 2:37 pm

Don’t ask to meet up until you are ready to meet up.
lisa

July 26, 2014 at 1:33 am

so if i keep doing what im doing would a meet up be too early ? (its been 8 months since i saw him last)

he’s just interested in sleeping with me :p it’s quite funny when he asked when my dad would be home or not.. then i said nope only 1 hour sorry he said not enough lol.. then i told him today that he’s been gone for more than 4 hours and he got really angry!

is that bad 🙁 why did he get angry because i acted like a derp and he couldn’t have his sex or?
admin

July 28, 2014 at 2:35 pm

I don’t think it would be too early no.
Lisa

July 25, 2014 at 1:28 am

Ok cool, thanks!

What do you personally think of my situation? Is there hope? What should my next step be?

P.S we were messaging again yesterday about laptops and what brand is best then he randomly sees my snapchat and acts cheeky and said “nice snap, too bad your dad’s home 😛 ” and convo continued but nothing happened I fell asleep and he messaged brb then said you there? I was gone lol

He is keen… But how can I use this to make him chase me ? Both emotionally and physically
admin

July 25, 2014 at 3:03 pm

Seems to me you already kind of have him chasing. Just keep doing what you are doing.
Lisa

July 18, 2014 at 5:47 pm

Like he sends me snapchats of with his new shirt and he really cares… When I said I was sick… All he replied was you need to wear more clothes at home and take care of yourself better…

He still cares.. Or when I’m sad he whatsapped me… What’s wrong you ok? But that girl.. She seems to be more important even though she isn’t interested in him but misses her own ex
admin

July 21, 2014 at 3:08 pm

Sounds like a classic love triangle.

You want him, he wants her, she wants her own ex.

Eventually though if you go full NC he will start to see your value.
lisa

July 22, 2014 at 1:33 am

it does seem to work… i tried NC when i was on holiday… then 2 weeks later he makes a random excuse to talk to me; “ahaha heard your country got smashed in the world cup” then i replied and we talked.

I can do NC but I’m very afraid it will make him closer to her… if im not around?
Taryn

July 22, 2014 at 3:39 pm

Hey girl!

Don’t be afraid to do full NC. Staying closer to him will NOT change his mind about you. It will NOT make him chose you over her. If anything, you will become his “side chick”. Or just an Ex that he still talks to from time to time. No one wants that. Chris’s advice is So legit. Take his advice. He’s telling you these things for very good and valid reasons.

The best thing you can do is back off. Ignore all of his texts for 21 – 30 days. Not matter what (unless he says something crazy). Become an ungettable girl. Become the better deal. None of us should ever think that we are better than other girls. But we can become better versions of ourselves. Read the Ungettable girl article :] I think that will benefit you a lot. And of course, the ebook

You can do it!
lisa

July 26, 2014 at 1:30 am

thanks so much!!!

it’s just so hard… if i randomly stop ignoring him now.. and we nearly planned to have sex… oh god.. it’s starting to look ok i think.. scared to do NC again.. i did NC for 8 months.. until 2 months ago
lisa

July 17, 2014 at 9:24 am

but its obvious he still has something for me? either he is just being nice or he actually misses me but when we send photos he’s like dont show anyone this please stuff like that… like he is ashamed anyone finding out (obviously i would to) but the girl… is an issue shes second on his snapchat and obviously they talk… but he just seems like were friends.. but how do i become more in his eyes?

Helen

July 17, 2014 at 7:58 am

Hi Chris:
Thanks again frist for your consistently hard working on bring up the new articles and answer questions for all the confusing and lost ladies here:).
My exbf went back to home country Canada for summer holidays,its almost been one year since he left for Vietnam ,so I am working on try to get my exboyfriend back in a LDR. eversince he got back, he even texted me more activly and positivly, I felt things was going on the right way, so at July 1,which happened to be the date he left me last year, I sent him text as below:
“last year today is the day you left , time flies, its already been one year, I still remember clearly how I sent you off at the airport，you lost your SIM card, glad we found it at last:).I must thank wechat to let us stay close, though literally we are thousands miles aways from each other. I am very happy can contact you everyday ,I care about you, you are very special to me (you know the reason ),I am sorry, Markie, I never meant to bother you or hold you back, I just want you be happy. I miss you at here, those memories of we happily stayed together often flash back to my mind from time to time, each moment is precious to me, thank you!and I do hope one day if there is chance for us to meet again! Enjoy your holiday back home, send me some PICS if you can, I got go to catch the train now ”
I said that because he often sent me PICS before and I was at train station for travelling, since then I havent heard from him, at before also happened he didnt contacted me for almost two weeks,but finally he will always came to me with apologies for late reply, this time, I dont know, my gut feeling tells me hes the kind person will still contact me, but I really have no idea how it will goes,do you think the text I sent to him will be too desperated? sorry for the long words, really appreciate your time and comments!
Bsrgs!
Nj

admin

July 18, 2014 at 3:15 pm

It depends on how you send the texts and the amount of priming you do.
Helen

July 26, 2014 at 12:05 pm

sorry, Chris, I sent you this comments again, cause I really dont know what to to next.do I just wait for him reach out to me or should I send him one text ask him if hes alright ? I mean if he never gonna talk to me, at least should let me know , cant just hang people there like that,just disappear in the Middle of no where, I am worried,please help, Chris! thank you so much!
Bsrgs
Nj
Helen

July 22, 2014 at 8:43 am

I just sent it as exactly above at the train station, as we are talking on daily basis since he got back, and its kinda my turn to send the text, so maybe its the priming not enough :(,till now, I start to get worried, will he stop talking to me forever? what should I do? please Chris, your insightful comments will be the second most things I wanna hear, sorry, I still put my exboyfriend’s reply at the first most things I wanna hear .thank you very much for your help!
Bsrgs
Nj

nicole

July 16, 2014 at 8:53 pm

My no contact period is actually over now and I was thinking about contacting him I just need advice. We had a very difficult break up because we had been together for almost 5 years. It was very sudden too because he showed no signs of losing interest and would constantly tell me how excited he was to spend the summer together and do all that we had planned. I really want to try talking to him again but I’m afraid to. Before I started no contact I made all of the common mistakes of calling and texting him telling him I missed him and I love him. He was very cold in his responses back to me every time I tried reaching out to him. The last thing I ever said to him was that I wanted to keep in touch but he ignored that. So it’s been about 6 weeks since we last spoke. His birthday is coming up in the end of July. Should I just wait until then to contact him again for the first time or is that too long to wait? I’m just unsure of what to say in fears I’ll be rejected once again.

admin

July 18, 2014 at 3:06 pm

How serious was the relationship?

How old were you two?
nicole

July 19, 2014 at 12:17 am

Very serious, we were talking about our futures together after college because we both go to the same college. He is 21 about to be 22 and I am 20. We have been together since 15 and 17. I know this is really young but it’s an irreplaceable relationship. What should I say to him?
admin

July 21, 2014 at 3:58 pm

Well that is a very long time together.

What kind of future did you have envisioned with him?
nicole

August 5, 2014 at 1:57 am

I wished him happy birthday via email on July 27th and I’ve still had no response. I’m thinking I will just give up now? I don’t know what to do.. It’s been over 2 months of no contact now. I noticed he deleted all of our photos together he had of us on his Facebook 🙁 Should I try again or not? I don’t want to annoy him but I’ll never be over him considering we literally grew up together 🙁
nicole

July 25, 2014 at 1:36 am

We were probably going to live together after school was over. We walked about marriage before and he always told me he could never picture himself with anybody else. But now it just seems over for good because it’s been 2 months with absolutely no contact. I also heard that he has started rumors about me among our mutual friends which really upsets me too. Should I still say happy birthday to him? It’s in 3 days…

meriem

July 16, 2014 at 12:56 pm

hi chris i really need your advice on something my boyfriend and i have been together for 5 months now in the first 4 months he was the perfect boyfriend carring loving sweet he missed me all the times called me all day long we talked too much everything was perfect but in the last month i sense a change in his attitude towards me he is not him anymore no sweet talk no i love you or i miss you until i say it and he say it back bach i feel like he say it just because i say it to him so i tried to talk to him but he said there is nothing and that he is like he was and nothing change when i talked with him over and over again he got angry and gave me the silent treatment he became even colder and our conversation became shorter and shorter here i was fed up and i told him i want to break up with you he said no and gave me sweet words to forget so i forget but after one day he bacame like he was and we fight again and say i want to break up inside me i didn’t want to break up i want my boyfriend back so he felt that and when i kept saying that i want to break up latly he’s been ignoring me complitly when i say that 2 days until he is sur that i forgot because he know that i love him and he come lik nothing happened and say i don’t want to here this talk again and that there is nothing wrong and we have nothing wrong between us to break up.i was so confused with him being even colder and more and more distant until yesterday he came i told ms that he wanted us to break up when i ask him he said (i don’t know we don’t understand each other and we fight all the time and i feel that i’m not in love with you anymore i’ve been loving you for a long time and you did’t love me until last month so i hated the situation and it’s just too late).i gothered my strength and calmely said i think that we should work it out and find a solution he said no,i said but a don’t want to break up he said let’s just stay 3 days away from each other to see if i miss u if not we will break up ok friday.what should i do plz i don’t want to loose him

Taryn

July 17, 2014 at 1:08 pm

Hey girl!

Go into NC asap. Don’t give him the satisfaction of waiting 3 days. Start following the program now and make him wait 30 days. He’d miss you much more after that amount of time passed.
meriem

August 6, 2014 at 5:04 pm

Taryn i wish i saw your coment that day but i didn’ see it till today and i think i blow my chance to get him back with the mistakes i did after that day 🙁

Cole

July 15, 2014 at 7:38 pm

As terrible as it is that is cowered the Internet looking for help on this matter, the information you’ve published on this site has calmed my nerves. Thanks for the investment of time to create it and also for engaging and answering readers’ questions.

I think I may know the answer to this, but I’d like to pick your brain a little. I dated a guy for almost 3 yrs exclusively. I was his first girlfriend. He was emotionally immature (I probably was a bit too), a lot of on and off at his discretion. We are 25+. Games have been apart of our situationship since we got together. He wanted a commitment when I didn’t. When I was ready, he wasn’t…blah…blah…blah. The thing is, I’m totally out of his league. Not to toot my own horn, but it is what it is. People who know us both are always shocked that I would date him.

The last time we were off, I moved on for good…or so I thought. During the latter part of our relationship, I completely blocked him out (ignoring calls, texts, blowing off invites to dinner, etc.). He laid it on thick when he thought I was gone for good. I started dating someone else and moved very quickly and accepted a marriage proposal. I am almost certain that decision was heavily motivated to erase him from my life completely and leaving no way to reconcile or go back to him.

We had a major falling out, not because I got engaged but because the months of me exing him out of my life without proper closure crept up on me in the worst way. I literally went insane. I knew all the things I was doing was only making things worse, but the fact he was ignoring me drove me to want his attention like I needed air to breathe. I acted a plum fool. I probably set the world record for sending the most text messages with no reply in a given sitting. I called repeatedly and even left drunk voicemails, I emailed uncontrollably. He even threatened a restraining order. I was not myself. We didn’t speak for 9 months the longest we’ve ever gone without talking or seeing one another.

Out of the blue, I get a msg thru social media. Funny thing is, I am no longer engaged to be married, I’m single now. Him asking how I’d been doing. Talk about shocked, I was certain this man had written me off as needing meds and someone he should stay far far away from. We chatted, convo ended and I let 3 weeks pass. Then I reached out to him. We exchanged communication he gave me his number and asked me to call him. I did, we chatted for all of about 7 minutes, told him I had to go and he could call me the next day. After we got off of the phone he texted and said he was glad I called.

We’ve visited once, we had a few hours to talk and he invited his friends over who I knew well. He remembered foods I couldn’t have because of medical condition, asked about family and friends and even gave me career advice. He reminisced about some old times and some positive things I’d said to him when we were together. We had drinks, chatted, relaxed and it was like old times. We text, talk on the phone here and there but the past few weeks, I’ve had to initiate contact with him first. He always replies to my communication and rather quickly. I invited him to a gathering of mine and he accepted the invite.

The problem is he is resistant to my advances for more. Anything that resembles coupledom 🙂 he shies away from or says it is too soon. To some extent I can understand. I went crazy on him and we haven’t spoken in almost a year, but how slow is too slow? I’m thinking I should stop initiating and let him come for me as he knows I still have feelings for him.

Did I answer my own question or can you provide some further insight?

admin

July 16, 2014 at 2:48 pm

Why are you a coward to look for help online??

I think maybe the previous engagement has something to do with it.

Annie2014

July 15, 2014 at 6:01 pm

Hi Chris
It’s been more than a year apart now. We see each other almost every day at work. He’s in a serious relationship now (they have moved in together). There has been a large period of very limited contact (no contact was not possible in work sircumstances). But recently, he has shown me a lot of attention. He has initiated all the casual talks, he gave me a very nice gift on my b-day and offered help with my car. Why would he be so nice around me? He doesn’t seem to be unhappy with his gf but sometimes he shows more attention to me than he should…
Could it be that he can’t resist my attraction? Or does he want to use me – sexually or emotionally? Is there any way for me to understand his motives or any tricks to make him open his cards?
Thank you!

admin

July 16, 2014 at 2:44 pm

I tend to think he is a scumbag if he is treating his current gf like that by flirting with you (no offense to you.)

Whats to stop him from doing this to you if you were to get him back?
Annie2014

July 16, 2014 at 5:43 pm

Could it be that he just likes talking to me or thinks that it is polite to offer help? Could it be that he does it because he subconsciously regrets leaving me? How can I magnify this effect? I can’t help missing him or wanting him back. He was the one who made me feel so special, beautiful, sexy, intellectual… It breaks my heart that he is spending his love, his time and energy on the other girl.

On the other hand, if my impression is not exaggerated, and if you are right, then I wouldn’t like to be in this girl’s shoes now…
admin

July 18, 2014 at 2:56 pm

Well, right now I would say just try to keep the focus on you as opposed to him.
Annie2014

July 21, 2014 at 8:00 pm

Btw, Chris, if you ever look for ideas for your further guides, could you please give some get-him-back advice for the following situations:
(1) age difference (e.g. I’m 9 years older than the guy)
(2) when the two work together and the perfect NC is impossible. Contact is inevitable and frequent, even daily.

Thanks!
admin

July 22, 2014 at 2:23 pm

I like the age difference idea!

I like that one a lot.

Amy

July 15, 2014 at 5:01 pm

I kind of feel stupid. The last time I commented on your site I was at the beginning of no contact and frantic and confused. I have been using this website as a guideline for understanding my last relationship and have found that it has been useful for me and also helped me realize I didn’t truly want my ex back, just the idea of a good relationship. So thank you so much!!! :] You brought me a lot of clarity, as I’m horrible at understanding relationship dynamics, let alone men.

In the early stages he would pop up here and there on my sister’s social media. Never enough to concern me. I expected he would, so i didnt let it get to me. Recently, just nearing the end mark of thirty days he has started to pop up enough on my sister’s social media that it has really started to aggravate me. Most of the time from what I saw it was just liking her posts or pictures (she’s 5 yrs younger than me and has a year long relationship still going strong). Nevertheless it irritated me, but I said nothing.

My sister always wanted me to be with him so was more than resistant in removing him. Two days post break up he was pissed at me. It confirmed he had been emotionally invested, contrary to what he wanted me to believe initially when he was “mutual” about our break up. I got into a huge argument with my sister over her resisting to remove him, so eventually I told her I have to remove her. My mother stepped in and by the end of everything he was removed. It was a mess. A huge mess.

However, I suddenly realized I was so adamant about his removal because I felt he was doing this to annoy me. He hadn’t reached out to me at all during the no contact besides two days after break up to cuss me out. I assumed he was doing this to get a rise out of me. Was it safe to assume that? How exactly can you tell after not speaking for that amount of time what his intentions are? I feel I may have overreacted if he truly only wanted my attention, but I hate him now and took it as him trying to instigate bad feelings, even jealousy in me. I don’t plan on ever getting back with him, but fear I may owe my sister an apology if I was wrong. What are your thoughts? Was he seeking positive or negative attention?

admin

July 16, 2014 at 2:40 pm

I guess by looking at his actions as opposed to his words. Thats the best way to tell what someones true intentions are.
Amy

July 15, 2014 at 5:03 pm

* also I should mention when I said early stages, I meant early stages of no contact (I did 30 days successfully)

Madi

July 15, 2014 at 4:25 pm

Hey Chris,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 and a half years and just about a month ago he broke up with me, saying he wasn’t happy. I did no contact for 15 days but he texted me saying he was sorry and wanted to get back together so I caved. We saw each other 2 days in a row and things went great but the 3rd day he told me that he just didn’t want a girlfriend right now. He said he’s not interested in other girls he just wants to be able to do whatever he wants without worrying about me being upset. We are about to start our senior year in high school so I don’t know if that has anything to do with it.. I don’t know what to do from this point on. If anyone else has advice feel free to give feedback also. Thank you.

admin

July 16, 2014 at 2:39 pm

He is also very young and a bit immature so I bet that plays a role in it as well.
Madi

July 16, 2014 at 7:29 pm

So do you think just give it time?
admin

July 18, 2014 at 3:00 pm

At this point… yes.
Madi

July 18, 2014 at 4:09 pm

Should I not talk to him then? Is there anything else I could do or not?
admin

July 21, 2014 at 3:05 pm

Right now giving him time means laying off talking to him for a bit yes.

Mya

July 14, 2014 at 11:23 pm

So basically, it’s been nearly 5 months since my ex and I separated. I made some mistakes in the first month, but after I found your site, I initiated the no contact rule and succeeded for a whole month. (I honestly thought I couldn’t do it) Eventually, I initiated the first contact, and things went well from then on, or so I thought. Now it’s nearly month 5 since we split, and I tried contacting him with compliments and stuff, and apparently, I think he’s ignoring me on purpose now. It’s been almost 3 weeks since he last replied to me. I don’t know what to do now, I tried initiating contact once every 3-5 days giving him time, assuming he was too busy to reply. But, I don’t think he’s busy, I think he’s just ignoring me on purpose now. But that’s just me assuming. I need your advice Chris, oh and thank you for the articles, you’re very helpful when I am stuck on what to do next. (:

admin

July 15, 2014 at 3:16 pm

What are your initiation texts looking like?
Mya

July 16, 2014 at 4:41 am

Most of the time, I would use your examples or input a different subject close to your samples. Then again, I would sometimes doubt they’re even good enough for a reply. But lately, all I’ve been saying once in a while is, “Hey, how has your week been? Still smiling and showing your sparkling personality?” or something like that.
admin

July 16, 2014 at 3:01 pm

Try to make it more personal to the two of you as opposed to my examples.
Mya

July 17, 2014 at 1:42 am

Oh yeah and, sorry if I’m bothering you, but I have one last question as of for now. Do you think my ex is just replying to me out of courtesy? Because, I honestly think he’s just replying to me out of courtesy, and I asked my best friend about it, and he thinks so too. Like, it was a straight up, “Yes,” from him.
admin

July 18, 2014 at 3:12 pm

Hmmm give me an example of some of his responses?
Mya

July 23, 2014 at 2:13 pm

Well, let me add that I tried out making things a bit more personal between us, and since he’s the type to rarely ever show his emotions to others, I’ve learnt quite a lot about him in that 30ish minute of time. It kind of ended up with me nearly losing control of myself because of his stubbornness. Mainly, it was about us, and the scar that he has and me just asking if we can start over on a clean slate as just friends (I think I made a huge mistake by doing that though…) I feel extremely bad for deepening his scar. When he admitted that the time we met again eventually dated, he was so relieved to have found me because he rarely ever dates anybody. I believe him because, he is the type to rarely ever let anybody in through all of his protective walls. When his best friend told me of his ex girlfriends, or well, the things she knew about them, I found out he dated much less than my expectations. He truly is very handsome, and I rarely judge someone by how they look. The way he acts towards most girls are just common courtesy of a gentleman, sometimes he’s really cold when it comes to a group of girls he dislike a whole lot. He’s very picky when it comes to choosing people. But I can always tell that he’s just being nice, because it’s how he was taught since he was born. His responses in the past usually appear as, “Oh thanks, I actually did have fun.” Etc, etc. It’s usually something like that and he’ll probably stop talking for a long while, or ever until I tried again on another day or so. Oh, and may I add that, I think it went from a little personal to really personalish… Very quickly, or so I think. It really all started out with me asking if he hated me, since I found out he said, “Well that was a year wasted.” After we broke up, and sorry for replying later than I intended too. I’ve tried posting this countless times, but it keeps on giving me errors.
Mya

July 16, 2014 at 9:58 pm

So, when do you think I should try again and try to make it more personal between the two of us?
admin

July 18, 2014 at 3:08 pm

Did you read my article on priming? That kind of explains what you should be doing.

Christine

July 14, 2014 at 8:25 pm

Hi, Chris.

My ex is resistant to the idea of getting back together because I have 4 young children. My ex is a highly sensitive person and doesn’t feel that he can handle being a stepfather. I disagree with him. I think there are accommodations that can be made to make it easier on him while they are still young and unruly. They won’t be young forever, so it makes no sense to me to ditch the whole relationship because of this.

And… I definitely did everything wrong in terms of begging, pleading, crying, stalking, etc. I’m pretty sure that had something to do with it, too.

I only recently overcame my ex’s resistance to talking to me. We are trying to “be friends,” but he knows damn well what I want. I’ve learned a lot since our breakup in January, and I am not pushing him. I’m trying to get him to feel as good as possible whenever we have contact (texting, emailing, occasional phone).

So my question is:
1. I can’t get rid of my kids. Am I deluding myself by thinking there is hope for us?
2. If this is more about me acting crazy when he expressed doubts about his ability to be a stepfather, as I suspect, how do I overcome this resistance? He really believes that it is about the kids, and therefore, our differences are irreconcilable.

Please help!!

admin

July 15, 2014 at 3:06 pm

Does he have any kids of his own?
Christine

July 20, 2014 at 2:55 am

He has one son, who is 23 years old. My ex divorced when his son was very young, so he has pretty much always been a part-time dad.

We are going to an art museum tomorrow. It will be the first time we’ve hung out since February. We’ve been texting and have spoken on the phone a few times, and the vibe has been mostly friendly. I’ve noticed that he tends to ignore or rebuff my flirtatious remarks to him, but he has initiated some flirting, too. In short, I’m feeling nervous he has already committed to friendzoning me permanently.
admin

July 21, 2014 at 4:05 pm

Don’t let it get in your head. Just go there and focus on having a great time!

Melissa

July 14, 2014 at 6:08 pm

My ex boyfriend and I were in a LDR for 2 years and we broke up after a fight. Less than 2 months after our break up he started dating another girl from my country.

Chris can you please consider writing a guide on how to get an ex boyfriend back after he moved on with someone else who’s in a long distance relationship. Thanks

admin

July 15, 2014 at 2:59 pm

What was the fight about?
Melissa

July 16, 2014 at 12:39 pm

Telling him that he doesn’t say stuff like “I miss U or I love you” and he said some people are impossible to please..and basically that lead to the part where i told him that he’s arrogant, self centered and have him head stuck up his ass that he cannot appreciate good people he has in his life…that’s what lead to the breakup. This happened since February and he started dating the other girl in April..during that period he used to message me asking “how am I doing” etc. almost every week.. but recently about a month now I stopped all contact with him.. he told his cousin that he’s glad that he’s not with me and it’s about time i know it’s over and two days ago he messaged me asking me if i’m ok..I haven’t replied to him..
Melissa

July 16, 2014 at 12:54 pm

I should also tell you his new girlfriend is 19 and he’s 28 and I’m 27
admin

July 16, 2014 at 3:01 pm

Sounds very reboundish doesn’t it?
Melissa

July 17, 2014 at 3:18 pm

While I agree with u, I can’t help to ponder that maybe they met awhile and was probably communicating for a bit that lead to that point.

To tell you the truth, I don’t care anymore, I made up my mind and decided that I don’t want him back, it’s not worth it..If a guy really wants to be with you, then he would be with you, no excuses.

I must add if it wasn’t for you Chris, I would have been doing all the clingy needy desperate bit..So big thanks to you Chris and your articles (ALL of THEM), you helped me to re-realise my worth and value as a woman.

Beauty may get you through the door but it’s your personality that keeps you in the house..
admin

July 18, 2014 at 3:56 pm

Good for you Melissa!

Good luck with everything that you do in the future.

Elle

July 14, 2014 at 3:15 am

Chris

I was so happy when I saw what this article was about because this is EXACTLY the situation that I’m in right now.

Things ended with my ex a little more than a year ago. After 6 months of getting nowhere, I went no contact and as soon as I did, I realized I needed to do some work on myself that went beyond he and I.

When I contacted him again, I apologized for the mistakes I made and asked for a fresh start. He responded a week later and told me he was glad I was doing well and he was proud of me. That was followed by another 6 months of false hope contact—i.e., I’d hear from him/he’d respond occasionally.

Then 6 weeks ago, I called him, told him I miss him and I’m frustrated. What was really surprising was we actually had a conversation about things between us. He told me how he feels about things between us, we had a lot of drama and miscommunication and he doesn’t want to go back for more of the same. I told him I don’t either and asked how can I show him that things are different and I’ve changed if he won’t take a chance and see that for himself. He said he didn’t know. He also kept saying this conversation was entirely for my benefit, he didn’t care and he wasn’t listening. But he was the one who kept talking more and asking questions and repeating what I just said that he supposedly wasn’t listening to.

Since I first reached out to him again after ending no contact, I’ve tried really hard to avoid old patterns/behaviours and I think he’s been pleasantly confused that I haven’t acted/reacted the way he’d expect. During our convo 6 weeks ago, I didn’t try to argue with him about what he was saying and told that while it was hard to hear, I completely agreed with him about things and I was grateful that he was telling me how he feels. I’m pretty sure that surprised him in a good way and it’s why he kept talking.

I’ve been really stuck on what to focus on doing so that he’ll want to start over as much as I do. I am so excited about your article because I think it’s the insight I’ve been praying for!

I need to think it through and figure out how to apply what you’ve outlined but can you give me some ideas on what to look out for from him as clues that his mind may be beginning to change?

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