What Really Attracts An Ex Boyfriend To You- The SIX Qualities!

163 thoughts on “What Really Attracts An Ex Boyfriend To You?”

Confused and Needing Help!

May 20, 2016 at 3:20 am

Hello, my boyfriend of three years recently broke up with me. The reason he gave was that he wants to be independent and experience life. He says he’s confused, doesn’t know what he wants, and he doesn’t know if he wants to be tied down. He says he sill wants to be friends and hang out together. The day after he broke up with me, we spent the day together and it felt like nothing had changed. We were laughing and having fun. We have had issues in our relationship (mostly on my part) but the good times were more frequent. I am willing and wanting to change for the better.

The other day I contacted him and asked how he was doing. He said he was really happy and he has gotten to do a lot of things like hang out with friends and hobbies. He asked about me and kept the conversation going but he didn’t really show any excitement or emotion in the text messages. He also would text almost immediately. I’m not sure what all of this means.

I was wondering if there was still a chance to get him back. If so, what should I do?

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 25, 2016 at 9:39 am

Hi Confused and Needing help,

stary with no contact and aim to be the ungettable girl..with no contact, he’ll have his space and a chance to miss you

ConfusedCat

May 17, 2016 at 11:32 am

Hi Chris and Amor,
I suppose my case is unusual as me and my ex have been a non-traditional strong woman-weak man couple for the one year together. We were ofcourse the same age but I was the one with the more prestigious higher paid jobs with longer working hours. Also somehow me bring more outgoing always seemed more popular with guys etc than he has been with women (and I know he was always insecure about himself). Nevertheless this never bothered me and wasn’t an issue for me but especially towards the end of our relationship (he dumped me) this seemed to bother him as he made patronizing comments like I had too much money to spend etc. Throughout the relationship I had never really criticized or confronted him mostly because I didn’t want to somehow intimidate him/ make him feel worse about himself. Nevertheless when things got worse I did confront him about him constantly ditching me/ pushing me aside/ and going back on plans with me (this kept happening almost everyday) and his explanation was that he never liked me other than for the sex (he said that to my face like I am a prostitute! Can you believe it?) and dumped me. Ofcourse this hurt my ego and I never asked him to come back etc. I did drunk dial him twice but made some realistic sounding excuse for it the next day (like I needed driving directions as my gps wasn’t working but sorted that out). I went into NC but my ex started getting paranoid and saying he wanted to be friends and didn’t want to lose me completely so I told him we can do that but I needed time away and went into NC for 21 days (after which he started getting angry again so I stopped). I have been reading all the posts here and using them to try and re build attraction. I have been building rapport over text and did meet him twice for a coffee and then a drink (wearing red both times) and kept the interactions brief and cut the conversations short. But somehow I feel like he is trying to push me into FwB zone (he wants to meet me late at night etc. which I keep refusing and he jokingly called me a seductress. However he never showed any genuine interest in reconciling). He did indicate he wants to go on a short trip with me but ofcourse we didn’t book anything and even during our time together he was often all talk no action so I don’t believe him. Now my question is should I continue to build attraction or have a more vulnerable discussion saying I want him back (as I never said it even after he left me) or would this seem needy? I was also wondering if being the ungettable girl who is independent would actually help me? Also I get a lot of mixed signals from him which makes me think he is playing mind games. Can I still use seduction to reattact him when he clearly said he only liked me for the sex when he dumped me?

I would really appreciate any help as I am really confused.

Thanks
Regards
ConfusedCat
ConfusedCat

May 17, 2016 at 11:32 am

Hi Chris and Amor,
I suppose my case is unusual as me and my ex have been a non-traditional strong woman-weak man couple for the one year together. We were ofcourse the same age but I was the one with the more prestigious higher paid jobs with longer working hours. Also somehow me bring more outgoing always seemed more popular with guys etc than he has been with women (and I know he was always insecure about himself). Nevertheless this never bothered me and wasn’t an issue for me but especially towards the end of our relationship (he dumped me) this seemed to bother him as he made patronizing comments like I had too much money to spend etc. Throughout the relationship I had never really criticized or confronted him mostly because I didn’t want to somehow intimidate him/ make him feel worse about himself. Nevertheless when things got worse I did confront him about him constantly ditching me/ pushing me aside/ and going back on plans with me (this kept happening almost everyday) and his explanation was that he never liked me other than for the sex (he said that to my face like I am a prostitute! Can you believe it?) and dumped me. Ofcourse this hurt my ego and I never asked him to come back etc. I did drunk dial him twice but made some realistic sounding excuse for it the next day (like I needed driving directions as my gps wasn’t working but sorted that out). I went into NC but my ex started getting paranoid and saying he wanted to be friends and didn’t want to lose me completely so I told him we can do that but I needed time away and went into NC for 21 days (after which he started getting angry again so I stopped). I have been reading all the posts here and using them to try and re build attraction. I have been building rapport over text and did meet him twice for a coffee and then a drink (wearing red both times) and kept the interactions brief and cut the conversations short. But somehow I feel like he is trying to push me into FwB zone (he wants to meet me late at night etc. which I keep refusing and he jokingly called me a seductress. However he never showed any genuine interest in reconciling). He did indicate he wants to go on a short trip with me but ofcourse we didn’t book anything and even during our time together he was often all talk no action so I don’t believe him. Now my question is should I continue to build attraction or have a more vulnerable discussion saying I want him back (as I never said it even after he left me) or would this seem needy? I was also wondering if being the ungettable girl who is independent would actually help me? Also I get a lot of mixed signals from him which makes me think he is playing mind games. Can I still use seduction to reattact him when he clearly said he only liked me for the sex when he dumped me?

I would really appreciate any help as I am really confused.

Thanks
Regards
ConfusedCat

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 24, 2016 at 8:58 am

Hi Confused Cat,

move on from him.. That’s verbal abuse.. He’s insecurity is not an excuse to treat a person that way

So Confused

May 15, 2016 at 6:19 pm

Do you have any advice on how to pull off the push/pull method if my ex typically gets a little mean when someone puts him down (even a little joking put down). He will often say something kind of mean back or neutral and take the joke too seriously, and I’m not sure how to do push/pull in this situation

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 19, 2016 at 7:38 am

Hi So COnfused,

Push pull means you’re not available always.. For example, if you went out today and he asks if you could go out again at this day, tell him you’re not available and you’ll get back with him when you check your schedule.

So Confused

May 15, 2016 at 6:19 pm

Do you have any advice on how to pull off the push/pull method if my ex typically gets a little mean when someone puts him down (even a little joking put down). He will often say something kind of mean back or neutral and take the joke too seriously, and I’m not sure how to do push/pull in this situation

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 19, 2016 at 7:38 am

Hi So COnfused,

Push pull means you’re not available always.. For example, if you went out today and he asks if you could go out again at this day, tell him you’re not available and you’ll get back with him when you check your schedule.

HANIS

May 15, 2016 at 3:42 am

Hi Chris and team

I just broke up with my ex last week. It was a mutual split. We’ve been together for 2+ years. The reason he broke up with me was, he felt some kind of phobia to me, he did not like me being close to his parents because he afraid if he telling me secrets, I will spill to his parents. I have never told his parents about secrets but he afraids so.

Meanwhile, I broke up with him because he seemed to have taken me for granted, not replying text (we are on LDR, have not met for four months) seldom email me about his writings (he is a writer) and when I demand for those things, he said that I’m always complaining about him and this should be a reason why we should stop dating each other. He also cursed me with other cursing words and I felt abusive. I don’t get it. I only demand for affection and he seemed to be burden by this whole things. He used to be the most romantic person I’ve ever known for the past to years and he just changed recently. Maybe because we haven’t met for quite a long time.

So we thought of splitting. We haven’t contact for a week (and maybe more) since the break up, and I feel like the reasons we broke up is not that strong. We still have feeling for each other and I hope he will look for me again. After break up, he deactivated his twitter account and not active on instagram. He told me before that he will not change his egoistic attitude and we won’t contact and befriend anymore.

I am puzzled. What should I do now? I felt like contacting him again and want to get this straight. If I’m about to apply NC for a month, how will I start the conversation because I’m afraid the love spark will not there anymore and he said that he has totally moved on?

I would be glad if you could reply to this comment. Thank you 🙂

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 15, 2016 at 9:27 am

Hi Hanis,

I have to be honest, he sounds like he’s not that interested already and if you continue to talk to him, do you think that will spark it back?

HANIS

May 15, 2016 at 3:42 am

Hi Chris and team

I just broke up with my ex last week. It was a mutual split. We’ve been together for 2+ years. The reason he broke up with me was, he felt some kind of phobia to me, he did not like me being close to his parents because he afraid if he telling me secrets, I will spill to his parents. I have never told his parents about secrets but he afraids so.

Meanwhile, I broke up with him because he seemed to have taken me for granted, not replying text (we are on LDR, have not met for four months) seldom email me about his writings (he is a writer) and when I demand for those things, he said that I’m always complaining about him and this should be a reason why we should stop dating each other. He also cursed me with other cursing words and I felt abusive. I don’t get it. I only demand for affection and he seemed to be burden by this whole things. He used to be the most romantic person I’ve ever known for the past to years and he just changed recently. Maybe because we haven’t met for quite a long time.

So we thought of splitting. We haven’t contact for a week (and maybe more) since the break up, and I feel like the reasons we broke up is not that strong. We still have feeling for each other and I hope he will look for me again. After break up, he deactivated his twitter account and not active on instagram. He told me before that he will not change his egoistic attitude and we won’t contact and befriend anymore.

I am puzzled. What should I do now? I felt like contacting him again and want to get this straight. If I’m about to apply NC for a month, how will I start the conversation because I’m afraid the love spark will not there anymore and he said that he has totally moved on?

I would be glad if you could reply to this comment. Thank you 🙂

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 15, 2016 at 9:27 am

Hi Hanis,

I have to be honest, he sounds like he’s not that interested already and if you continue to talk to him, do you think that will spark it back?

Heartbroken and comfused

May 11, 2016 at 7:27 pm

Hi Chris!

I dated my boyfriend for 2 years and we just graduated college. We had a very deep connection and love. He would write me poems, was great with my family, and were so perfect for each other. We really made each other better people. 2 or so months ago, we had a fight over the future. He’s going to be in the army and has specific bases he will be sent to. Although we’d previously talked about me getting a job elsewhere and doing long distance, this fight was about our distant future. I know I was at fault for this fight because I brought up my fears about costs and living situations… We broke up for 2 days and Then got back together. Things were fine, but as the last month got closer, I felt him pulling away a bit. We didn’t constantly fight, but we were more snippity with each other. Still there were ups and downs like any relationship. Honestly, we had ended the honeymoon phase and the second year is always a little bit harder. It really was just a few months but I could tell he’d changed. We had a small fight 1.5 weeks ago (right before graduation) about why I hadn’t seen much of him lately and things escalated. I did say somethings I regret, but everything was adult and mature. After this fight he said he couldn’t see us ever working out… Then he said he wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore and insisted it had something to do with our fight in February. This is someone who treated me so well before… It was a long, painful breakup and we talked many times in person. Each time he was stuck on us breaking up. However he could never give me a reason why. He couldn’t tell me if it was he was worried about the army, graduating, starting a new life, me finding someone new, long distance struggles, etc. he just kept saying I don’t know. He didn’t know why he felt the way he had and I think he is overwhelmed and just unhappy right now. The shame of it is I could make him happy. Despite all of this, he wants to remain close and insists I was still his best friend. I regrettably slept with him the night before I left college… I thought this meant we were back on track to working things out, which is why I continued to text him everyday (3 days in a row). When I called him last night to ask how is day was, he was cold and obviously uninterested. I asked if I’d overstepped a boundary and he said kind of. He said he didn’t think sex had changed anything and he needs more space. This was too much for him. I’m just left in the dark on this one.

Heartbroken and confused

May 18, 2016 at 11:13 pm

Just an update: he has snap chatted me a ton (all generic and nonsexual) and we did briefly text. He was a bit cold and we just talked about how we each were doing, but I stopped responding. He texted me an her later apologizing saying he was watching a movie and would talk to me the next day. Today he has snap chatted me, but not texted me. I did not return any snap chats and will ignore him if he texts me.
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 19, 2016 at 6:59 am

it’s ok if he sees you’re snap chats during no contact, as long as it’s not for him.. it’s like posting in Facebook too.. that means you have to restart count of no contact.. It takes 66 days to make or break a habit.. so that means, it would take 66 days for him to stop thinking about you.
Heartbroken and confused

May 15, 2016 at 2:09 pm

Also during this no contact, how do I know he’s not just moving on?
Heartbroken and confused

May 15, 2016 at 2:07 pm

ive started the no contact rule! But I’ve also posted snapchat stories, which he always sees. Should I stop that? My problem is I don’t know why we really broke up. He never gave a reason. I think it’s because he never saw himself doing long distance/having a gf while in the army. How do I make him see this could still work?
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 15, 2016 at 2:11 am

Hi Heartbroken and confused,

so the only thing clear is that you’re still broken up.. Do active no contact.. focus on yourself now and heal.. so both of you can reflect.

Heartbroken and comfused

May 11, 2016 at 7:27 pm

Hi Chris!

I dated my boyfriend for 2 years and we just graduated college. We had a very deep connection and love. He would write me poems, was great with my family, and were so perfect for each other. We really made each other better people. 2 or so months ago, we had a fight over the future. He’s going to be in the army and has specific bases he will be sent to. Although we’d previously talked about me getting a job elsewhere and doing long distance, this fight was about our distant future. I know I was at fault for this fight because I brought up my fears about costs and living situations… We broke up for 2 days and Then got back together. Things were fine, but as the last month got closer, I felt him pulling away a bit. We didn’t constantly fight, but we were more snippity with each other. Still there were ups and downs like any relationship. Honestly, we had ended the honeymoon phase and the second year is always a little bit harder. It really was just a few months but I could tell he’d changed. We had a small fight 1.5 weeks ago (right before graduation) about why I hadn’t seen much of him lately and things escalated. I did say somethings I regret, but everything was adult and mature. After this fight he said he couldn’t see us ever working out… Then he said he wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore and insisted it had something to do with our fight in February. This is someone who treated me so well before… It was a long, painful breakup and we talked many times in person. Each time he was stuck on us breaking up. However he could never give me a reason why. He couldn’t tell me if it was he was worried about the army, graduating, starting a new life, me finding someone new, long distance struggles, etc. he just kept saying I don’t know. He didn’t know why he felt the way he had and I think he is overwhelmed and just unhappy right now. The shame of it is I could make him happy. Despite all of this, he wants to remain close and insists I was still his best friend. I regrettably slept with him the night before I left college… I thought this meant we were back on track to working things out, which is why I continued to text him everyday (3 days in a row). When I called him last night to ask how is day was, he was cold and obviously uninterested. I asked if I’d overstepped a boundary and he said kind of. He said he didn’t think sex had changed anything and he needs more space. This was too much for him. I’m just left in the dark on this one.

Heartbroken and confused

May 18, 2016 at 11:13 pm

Just an update: he has snap chatted me a ton (all generic and nonsexual) and we did briefly text. He was a bit cold and we just talked about how we each were doing, but I stopped responding. He texted me an her later apologizing saying he was watching a movie and would talk to me the next day. Today he has snap chatted me, but not texted me. I did not return any snap chats and will ignore him if he texts me.
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 19, 2016 at 6:59 am

it’s ok if he sees you’re snap chats during no contact, as long as it’s not for him.. it’s like posting in Facebook too.. that means you have to restart count of no contact.. It takes 66 days to make or break a habit.. so that means, it would take 66 days for him to stop thinking about you.
Heartbroken and confused

May 15, 2016 at 2:09 pm

Also during this no contact, how do I know he’s not just moving on?
Heartbroken and confused

May 15, 2016 at 2:07 pm

ive started the no contact rule! But I’ve also posted snapchat stories, which he always sees. Should I stop that? My problem is I don’t know why we really broke up. He never gave a reason. I think it’s because he never saw himself doing long distance/having a gf while in the army. How do I make him see this could still work?
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 15, 2016 at 2:11 am

Hi Heartbroken and confused,

so the only thing clear is that you’re still broken up.. Do active no contact.. focus on yourself now and heal.. so both of you can reflect.

jennifer

May 10, 2016 at 4:46 pm

Here is another sucess story in progress:

My ex (who had been really distant) and me are texting, flirting, taking interactions in general for a period of time now. First I was the only one who tried but he slowly started to contact me, too. Yesterday we met up. We watched a movie, talked about his future and cuddled. Each of us said we still like one another. He told me he slept with someone else but is still single. I said I am single, too, but I am not sure if I should trust him. Thus I did not let him sleep with me. He also said that I should better not trust him because even he does not trust himself and I will only be dissapointed.
In july he will travel through germany for his apprenticeship as an officer in the German armed forces and won’t have much free time.
I asked him if he didn’t have to move away of if we saw each other more often, what he would want. His response was “only time has the answer”
He was happy when I told him I’ll text him often and come visit him. And as we said good bye he hugged me so tight and did not want to let go.

I do not have him back yet, but I am on my way. Thank you so much for your help 🙂 You guys are awesome

jennifer

May 29, 2016 at 6:20 pm

He got more and more distant. He wrote me he had given up on me a long time ago, has lost feelings for me and I should give up, too. The reason why he was so happy to see me was because of sex.
The reason why he gave up is because he sees no future. We will live far away and he had several relationships which failed because of distance. I explained how it can work but he ended it with a “yea”. He then came with absurd excuses like “besides, our humour is totally different” which is so not true. I then asked him what he feels when I am with him, but he was like “I somehow can’t answer that”.

I am about to give up. But I still see a chance. Still, I am crying every day because of all of those rejections.
jennifer

May 21, 2016 at 6:04 am

Even though I made a big step, I still have a huge way to go. Yesteray I got some answers from him:

-he wants to stay friends
-he had been distant because he has other stuff on his mind
-he doesn’t care if I send him something sweet. He had always been like “I don’t care what other people think of me” (Yes, he’d already told me this several times. But there was a time when he cared about what I think..)
-he was jumping from one relationship to another. But I am not “only another one”
-when I asked him if he even wants to meet up again, he said “to be honest, I have no head for this right now”

So till he has to move away, we probably will only see each other when we have to work together. So I will still stay friendly, text and try to flirt with him. But maybe I should stop sending him hearts or anything like that. What do you think?
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 25, 2016 at 2:09 pm

it depends on how you send it, if it’s a serious message with hearts that looks like you’re the only one pursuing him, then definitely stop it
jennifer

May 10, 2016 at 5:57 pm

Oh and the information on what I did:

– 30 days active NC: I became calm, emotional stable, started thinking logical again, got my life together

– first text: I told him about my internship in the hospital where he also once worked. I asked him if I should say hello to somebody for him. I got a positive and long response back.

– the tide theory: Very important! I slowly made steps towards getting close again. But I made more breaks between the texting days and a slower texting progress then you recommended. At some point I thought I did not have any progress but then: BOOM! He started texting me and send me a facebook friend request, even though I was the one who deleted him.
Right now I do not feel stupid when I send him a big heart, because I get one in return.

– dates: Well, we are both in a paramedic aid organisation and saw each other 2-5 days a month. There I showed the best of me. We laughed in groups and worked together. One day he suddenly asked me when I would come visit him again. Then I knew it was safe to ask him out. We went to his place, watched a movie and talked.

-push/pull theory and chase: Even though I made the most steps, showed him admiration and love, I rejected him from time to time. Most of the time it wasn’t even on purpose. He wanted to meet up, but I had a lot to do. When we were in service and I asked who wants to patrol with me, he said yes but someone else was faster than him. etc. (So I did this without even noticing it)

– And the greatest thing: Never giving up: On many forums I saw people giving up on getting their ex back. I even met someone who was in the same situation as my ex and me. But even though I thought there was still a chance for them, they quitted. I can unerstand why, but it seems that they were not really commited to get them back. As soon as their ex said they did not love them anymore, even though they showed admiration, they collapsed an gave up.
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 14, 2016 at 3:26 pm

Thank you for sharing Jennifer! I hope you do have a happy ending with him. 🙂 And thank you for the tips!

Lyra

May 8, 2016 at 8:52 pm

Hi Chris and Amor,

I have started trying to re-attract my ex boyfriend after NC by texts. I am also trying to date others as I know he is dating others too. But I think I am starting to get attached to my ex boyfriend again and don’t seem to connect with the new guys I meet. Should I go back to NC again?

Look forward to your reply
Lyra

Lyra

May 9, 2016 at 4:23 pm

Hi Amor,
Thanks a lot for your advise. I will try to focus on one of my old hobbies I returned to during NC. 🙂

I also have another question. I have been trying push/pull. But everytime I “push” my ex starts to call or text a lot on those days. Should I act busy and keep my replies brief or completely ignore him for a day like during NC?

Thanks so much for all your help 🙂

Cheers
Lyra
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 10, 2016 at 3:31 am

actually that’s the effect of it.. he will do more because you’re doing less..don’t respond or respond later in the day
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 9, 2016 at 7:45 am

Hi Lyra,

you don’t need to be totally into nc.. just focus more on your activities that you started when you were in nc.. lessen the texts if you must but you don’t have to totally stop him for now..

Jennifer J

May 8, 2016 at 1:48 am

My ex and I have been broken up for about one month. I haven’t exactly done no contact, but absolute minimal contact. Unfortunately we’re in college, live close, and have all the same friends. But I have barely spoken to him unless it’s unavoidable and I don’t seek him out. I still have him on social media and recently he’s been “liking” a lot of my stuff… he never used to do that when we were together. I don’t respond to it. What do you think I should do? Just continue to ignore it? We had a very clean, mutual breakup. We hit a rough patch and he handled it very poorly. I tried to be there for him but he completely shut me out so things just fell apart. Thank you.

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 9, 2016 at 2:07 am

Hi Jennifer,

Continue what you’re doing right now of how you avoid him and add activities that will improve yourself.. join other groups of friends.. or be active in what you’re currently doing.. have a make over..

So Confused

May 7, 2016 at 5:57 pm

Hi Chris and Amor,

I’ve posted a few times before and your advice has been helpful. My ex and I broke up nearly a year ago because one of his new female friends was acting inappropriately around him and some other stuff nonrelated to our relationship got in the way as well. I did 30 days nc after we broke up and when I reached out to my ex his responses were all neutral or positive. But I got super anxious around the start of a new term and said I wanted to be together again, to which he (obviously) replied that he had moved on.

Come the new year, I had actually improved myself, etc. After a longer nc, we started texting (he even initiated some) and I got a lot of positive responses. However, I think we’ve texted too much and he stopped replying a couple weeks ago. I’m going through a pretty busy time right now so I haven’t contacted him since he stopped texting me as I don’t want my anxiety to get the better of me again!

My plan as of now is to reach out probably next week, build some more rapport, then go for the 3 mini dates. However, I just found out from a mutual friend that something happened in my ex’s life that may upset me. I don’t know what this thing is, but I’m thinking that maybe my ex likes another girl or something along those lines. I’m not sure what steps I should take now that I know this. Should I pretend I’ve heard nothing and just reach out again next week and ask to go out for coffee or something after more positive conversation? If this outing happens, I’m thinking of using the reverse psychology and say that I don’t want a relationship….

Thanks!

So Confused

May 10, 2016 at 7:15 pm

Hi Amor,

I just wanted to say thank you for your advice! If you hadn’t reminded me to just focus on the “good” I probably would have let the situation I am in bother me a lot more than it should have. Instead, I have had a productive past few days… And today, unexpectedly, after nearly three weeks of nc my ex texted me! I didn’t have to resume contact. This honestly came as a surprise, and while I’m not sure how good this is I wanted to say thank you. I think focusing on the good in any situation is a good thing to remember
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 15, 2016 at 12:21 am

That’s good.. it is hard but it’s not impossible… So continue doing that! 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 8, 2016 at 10:45 am

you can still proceed with your plan.. if it’s just a girl, that’s ok as long as they’re not together yet.. but don’t focus On that..focus on the good things right now

HM

May 7, 2016 at 4:15 am

Hi, Chris and Team!

Your website resonates with me more than many other websites I’ve researched this past month, so I’m turning to you for advice about a unique situation that I haven’t seen covered by the archives and new material, which I’ve pored through extensively. I’m trying to figure out how to apply the amazing research and analogies in this article, especially the push/pull effect, but again, I’m stymied because of how different my situation seems.

1. My long term, long-distance boyfriend of four years broke up with me suddenly and unexpectedly a little over a month ago. He told me he loves me, cares about me deeply, and still thinks I’m beautiful, but he just hasn’t been happy in the last few months, that there was “too much pain and not enough joy” (because of how my mental health affects my happiness, which in turn affects him) and doesn’t want to be in a romantic relationship with me anymore. I tried to tell him that my mental health was taking a big turn for the better, but he told me it wasn’t up for negotiation.
2. HE asked for no contact, and has blocked me on Facebook, Twitter, email, Snapchat, and taken out all mention of me on OkCupid. Since no contact is a clear boundary he set, I am working hard to respect it by not texting or contacting him in ANY way, even though all of this breaks my heart. He has not reached out to me since he broke up with me. He told me the social media blocking was for one reason only, which is that during previous heartbreaks he’s seen me project my insecurities onto new statuses and the like, and he didn’t want me to do that with him.
3. He and I are both polyamorous, but his live-in girlfriend is emotionally monogamous. He’s been dating her as long as he’s dated me, and she is now his one big committed romantic partner. During our relationship she told me she was supportive of my relationship with him, but looking back I think she placed a lot of negative emotional pressure on him about it, whether she meant to or not.
4. Two of my friends want to write to him at the end of the month (once Mercury goes out of retrograde – they’re real big into astrology), and I know one of them wants to tell him to break his no contact to reach out to me, and the other wants to tell him that while she knows he doesn’t owe me anything, she can see the work I’m putting in to examining my role in him feeling like our romantic relationship was strained and unsustainable and all the ways I’m committing to changing, and that she knows he and I could have a happy romantic future together.

Chris and team, I’m crushed and unsure of what my best options are. If my boyfriend told me he’d move in with me I’d pack and fly the 3,000 miles to him in a heartbeat. We’re soul mates, truly, and this utterly blindsided me. I’m determined to get him back, whatever it takes, but I don’t know how to use Chris’ amazing approach with my situation! Parts of it apply well, but parts of it are unique. How do I get him to return to me as my boyfriend, even more devoted and committed to me and in love with me than before? How do I remove his other girlfriend from the picture? Are the emails my friends want to send in a few weeks a good idea?

Please advise!
HM

May 7, 2016 at 4:15 am

Hi, Chris and Team!

Your website resonates with me more than many other websites I’ve researched this past month, so I’m turning to you for advice about a unique situation that I haven’t seen covered by the archives and new material, which I’ve pored through extensively. I’m trying to figure out how to apply the amazing research and analogies in this article, especially the push/pull effect, but again, I’m stymied because of how different my situation seems.

1. My long term, long-distance boyfriend of four years broke up with me suddenly and unexpectedly a little over a month ago. He told me he loves me, cares about me deeply, and still thinks I’m beautiful, but he just hasn’t been happy in the last few months, that there was “too much pain and not enough joy” (because of how my mental health affects my happiness, which in turn affects him) and doesn’t want to be in a romantic relationship with me anymore. I tried to tell him that my mental health was taking a big turn for the better, but he told me it wasn’t up for negotiation.
2. HE asked for no contact, and has blocked me on Facebook, Twitter, email, Snapchat, and taken out all mention of me on OkCupid. Since no contact is a clear boundary he set, I am working hard to respect it by not texting or contacting him in ANY way, even though all of this breaks my heart. He has not reached out to me since he broke up with me. He told me the social media blocking was for one reason only, which is that during previous heartbreaks he’s seen me project my insecurities onto new statuses and the like, and he didn’t want me to do that with him.
3. He and I are both polyamorous, but his live-in girlfriend is emotionally monogamous. He’s been dating her as long as he’s dated me, and she is now his one big committed romantic partner. During our relationship she told me she was supportive of my relationship with him, but looking back I think she placed a lot of negative emotional pressure on him about it, whether she meant to or not.
4. Two of my friends want to write to him at the end of the month (once Mercury goes out of retrograde – they’re real big into astrology), and I know one of them wants to tell him to break his no contact to reach out to me, and the other wants to tell him that while she knows he doesn’t owe me anything, she can see the work I’m putting in to examining my role in him feeling like our romantic relationship was strained and unsustainable and all the ways I’m committing to changing, and that she knows he and I could have a happy romantic future together.

Chris and team, I’m crushed and unsure of what my best options are. If my boyfriend told me he’d move in with me I’d pack and fly the 3,000 miles to him in a heartbeat. We’re soul mates, truly, and this utterly blindsided me. I’m determined to get him back, whatever it takes, but I don’t know how to use Chris’ amazing approach with my situation! Parts of it apply well, but parts of it are unique. How do I get him to return to me as my boyfriend, even more devoted and committed to me and in love with me than before? How do I remove his other girlfriend from the picture? Are the emails my friends want to send in a few weeks a good idea?

Please advise!

HM

May 8, 2016 at 11:44 pm

I see what you’re saying! I hope it’s okay for me to clarify a couple things:

1. He and I are also seeing other people, it’s just that I want his live-in partner specifically (and only her!) out of the picture because she turned out to be emotionally dishonest and not a good influence on him or us. If she hadn’t acted as she had, it would be a very different story.
2. I’m definitely doing no contact, but mostly because HE insisted on it. Is that a bad sign?
3. When he does contact me he said it will be after he’s “healed and moved on.” Does that mean it will be too late?
4. Is it a good idea for my friends to write to him in a few weeks to say he should give our relationship another chance?

Thank you so much again!
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 9, 2016 at 8:51 am

oh ok.. I get it now.. nope, not a good idea for your friends to write him.. and to be honest, when he wanted to do no contact with you that means he’s more on her side.. she’ll probably still be jealous.. so just keep in no contact… be active in posting and do things that will help you be more emotionally rational and for him to see you’re doing better than her.. let him be for now.. and focus on yourself..
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 8, 2016 at 6:25 pm

HI HM,

I’m confused.. I’m not judging you ok? You said you’re polyamorous but if you want the other girl out of the picture that means both of you are not actually polyamorous.. because if he’s leaving you for her, that means he’s ready to commit to a monogamous relationship and you want to be monogamous with him right?

The basics still applies to you… do nc and work on your self esteem.. if you want to stay polyamorous, you have to be more emotionally prepared for this kind of instances that somebody leaves to choose the other, because honestly for me, it’s just a matter of standards.. Her standards is for monogamy, and it looks like she has the stronger will in the two of them because if your ex is set on being polyamorous, he would leave her because she has different values..

if you wanted to become monogamous then your improvements during nc will help for him to miss you and maybe trust you more that you can be faithful to him, even if you didn’t cheat.. it’s when he compares you to her..

Rie

May 5, 2016 at 11:31 am

My ex and I broke up a month ago, we were only seeing each other but he treated me really well like his actual gf (reserved gorgeous hotel which costed over 200 bucks a night) but we both got out long term relationship before we started seeing each other and we both are busy with work so he told me we need to stop seeing each other and he isn’t ready for another relationship so after that we didn’t talk 2 weeks and a half and I just randomly texted him and asked him how he has been and how’s work and I immediately got texted back and we started to talk again since just last weekend we happened to be at big summer camping festival with both of our friends and we had a passion (hook up lol) weekend together even after the festival we still continue talking and he texts me more then before (he is the type of a guy doesn’t text much), we are planning to spend time together in the near future again hopefully I have a bright future with him but yet im not rushing anything with him 🙂

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 8, 2016 at 4:13 am

Hi Rie,

you’re doing good in texting now, and it looks like you’re building attraction right? But you slept with him, am I right? don’t do that again, so you don’t end up being friends with benefits.

Chicken

May 4, 2016 at 3:09 pm

Hi! I absolutely love this page and find both the information and jokes amazing. Its been almost eight months since my ex and I broke up. It was over jealousy and I think we were moving too fast (dated for ten months). However a few months ago, we started texting again and he admitted that he had a new crush, he told me her name and everything but then admitted that he was jealous of my friendships with other guys, one in particular. A few weeks after that, we talked casually about his crush and just our lives until one night we both had this…closure moment and told each other how we had felt. He said that even though his new crush makes him happy, she’ll never do as well as me…except that day he was flirting with me again for the first time in months..hugging, hand holding and he even admitted he wanted to kiss me when we were alone. Unfortunately one day he instantly stopped replying and a week later he said that if I don’t talk to him in person, don’t text him at all. He’s got a new crush but I just want to give this one last go. I know him like the back of my hand and will start the NC rule tomorrow, even though we never talk in person or text anymore. I still do small gestures of politeness such as holding the door open and stuff but other than that…I don’t think I stand a chance :(((
We’re both in 10th grade, by the way…
Any tips?

~chicken

Chicken

May 6, 2016 at 1:26 pm

Update: he started texting her today…I’m starting to think that there’s no chance now 🙁
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 7, 2016 at 12:50 pm

Hi Chicken,

I didn’t get the end part.. you saif you don’t talk in person and don’t text but how does he hold the door open for you? and how do you talk?
if you’re still in nc be sure to do activities that can help you excel and have a change of look, go out more with friends and be active in posting it social media

Anxiety

May 2, 2016 at 8:15 pm

Tomorrow is my very last day of nc and I have really bad anxiety so I am really panicking about what to text my ex. Could I get a few pointers please??

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 4, 2016 at 8:34 am

Hi Amxiety,
don’t text if you’re not emotionally ready.. compile interesting topics for him that he loves to talk about

Anxiety

May 2, 2016 at 8:15 pm

Tomorrow is my very last day of nc and I have really bad anxiety so I am really panicking about what to text my ex. Could I get a few pointers please??

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 4, 2016 at 8:34 am

Hi Amxiety,
don’t text if you’re not emotionally ready.. compile interesting topics for him that he loves to talk about

Sally

May 2, 2016 at 5:42 am

Hi! This article was really interesting and funny!

I ended NC after almost two months to heal myself from depression, now im doing better! He called me asking for meet up, in that encounter he was nice like always wanting to touch, contact, hug, but we ended talking about the relationship and he said that he dont want anything (i think he was looking for friendship, cause he asked me to see me soon and help him with some things) so when i said that its gonna be difficult to be friends he kind of get sad and that day things ended good, but i feel bad later. That day he ask me what i want, “get back?!” he said…and then i just responded that “no, i don’t know, im ina process”, then he kind of said that he dont want me to be sad or cry over him.

A week later he write me, about a friend and a re-encounter- we talked about that, they were distant and i always reccomend to make things ok with him- so we started talking fun, also he remembering and old joke of us, talking about his things, like we always did… He stills puts likes on my stuff on FB.
A week later i texted like he did, and the same result: nice talking, funny and he also said that was really nice to talk with me, and was really great.

Then he didnt contact me in this week, and i feel anxious about it…don’t knowing if i have to write or wait till he do it.
What should i do?
Im worried that he knows what i want…and don’t wanna talk to me… (i never mencioned somthing about the relationship in our chats)

Thank U!!!

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 3, 2016 at 12:34 pm

HI Sally,
let him be for this week, if he doesn’t text the whole week, you can try to initiate next week.

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