Today we’re going to be talking about exactly how to handle accidentally seeing your ex in person.

Specifically I’d like to divide this article up into the following categories.

• How all people should react to seeing their ex
• If the guidelines for women are any different
• If the guidelines for men are any different
• Workshopping specific scenarios

Let’s begin!

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Understanding How Exes Will React To Accidentally Seeing You In Public

Regardless of how you broke up, who broke up with whom, why you broke up, and what’s happened post-breakup, seeing an ex accidentally in public is going to be AT LEAST somewhat awkward for both of you.

No matter how calmly or “fine” your ex may appear, all exes will feel at least a short, sudden rush (interpreted as shock or surprise), followed immediately by uncertainty, and then an outward/visible attempt to appear at ease.

What is unlikely to happen is your ex running to you with arms wide open, asking how you are, telling you how much they missed you, and asking for you back.

What actually happens in the interaction is completely up to you, and, to make the most of that interaction, you should be prepared.

I’ve put together a list of rules, based on gender, on how you should be approaching things.

How Women Should React To Accidentally Seeing Their Ex In Person

Describe to yourself a woman – fictional or real life – that you believe is strong, confident, carries herself well, and radiates both power and attractiveness.

This woman has true “main character” energy or vibes.

Now, imagine this woman went through a breakup that is similar to yours in terms of who broke up with whom, general reasons for the breakup, the presence/absence of fighting, and what, if anything, that happened post-breakup.

Suddenly, this woman sees her/their ex while out in public.

What would that character do?

What do you think this woman’s ex would think on seeing HER accidentally?

What would be going through her/their ex’s mind? Another way to think about it is…what do you value most about yourself?

Is it your friendliness, your humor, your happiness, your intelligence, your loyalty?

Whatever you value the most, fully step into those values for those moments when you interact with your ex.

Although most cultures raise men to initiate interactions, in the situation of an accidental run-in in public, women should be prepared to initiate and to chat with an ex at least a few minutes.

For LGBTQ couples, women should expect to first catch the eye of the ex, wave in a friendly and gentle way, and make your way to your ex at a normal pace and assuming the ex is a few feet away.

Do not try to impress or show off to your ex, and do not ask your ex about anything that could make your ex feel bad or references the past.

Also, if you are still angry or sad, focus on being pleasant in that moment with your ex and exit as quickly and gracefully as you can – getting on the phone with your closest friend, your therapist, your coach, your family member as soon as possible to rehash.

Do not ask if your ex misses you, thinks about the past, or regrets anything — UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO HEAR AND ADDRESS THE WORST.

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Moments such as those are the absolute worst timing to have such conversations; there’s time later to have them and in a way that stacks the probability of a favorable outcome.

Compliment your ex or, in the very least, note that you appreciate the chat but you have to go.

How Men Should React To Accidentally Seeing Their Ex In Person

In many cultures around the world, men bear the burden of initiating or being on the offensive in social interactions.

So, if you see your ex accidentally, you should be prepared to smile, wave gently and in a friendly way, and, if you are within a few feet of each other or less, walk up to your ex at a normal pace.

Do not run away.

Do not turn away from your ex and walk quickly in the opposite direction.

Remember, no matter how your ex may appear, internally your ex is also on his/her/their own rollercoaster of emotions:

• Surprise
• curiosity
• uncertainty
• trying to appear calm.

If you approach the situation with a positive frame of mind, understand generally how you’re doing to behave, and plan to exit after a short while, you are going to be fine.

Similar to women, men should have a general gameplan in their minds regarding what to do and what to say if they see their exes in public.

Like women, men should assume that there will be some awkwardness, surprise/shock, and an attempt to appear “okay”.

Think back to what you value in yourself as a person – not your physical characteristics, your job/school, your friends, family or network – as that is most likely what your ex valued in you during your relationship.

For example, you may be a smart, funny, down-to-earth person who listens well and asks good questions.

Whatever you value most in yourself as a person, lead with those characteristics in mind.

Do not try to impress or show off to your ex, and do not ask your ex about anything that could make your ex feel bad or references the past.

Do not ask if your ex misses you, misses experiences with you, or any similar emotional conversation – UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO HEAR AND ADDRESS THE WORST.

Moments such as those are the absolute worst timing to have such conversations; there’s time later to have them and in a way that stacks the probability of a favorable outcome. Compliment your ex or, in the very least, note that you appreciate the chat but you have to go.

A Quick Recap Of The Basic Principles Of Accidentally Running Into Your Ex Regardless Of Gender

• Approach your ex with open body language
• Say hello
• A hug isn’t necessary at this moment.
• A friendly wave, a friendly demeanor, and a smile will suffice.
• State that you didn’t expect to see your ex here. Ask what brings your ex to that location.
• Ask one open-ended question about your ex or your ex’s top interests, family, friends, or work.
• Answer any questions that the ex may have.
• Then say that you’d like to talk longer, but you have to go as you have a few other places to go today.
• Tell your ex that it was good to see him/her/them.
• IF YOU FEEL THAT THE INTERACTION WASN’T TOO WEIRD, you can hug goodbye and say that you’ll text him/her/them later. In general, the Ungettable person wouldn’t run away, hide, or freak out (at least visibly).
• The Ungettable person is still human, so he/she/they are most likely to save that behavior for when they’re alone or with their close friends doing a debrief. However, in the moment, the Ungettable person has already determined and planned how they would behave, generally what they’d say, and how they’d exit as gracefully as possible.

Specific Scenarios On Accidentally Running Into Your Ex And What To Do

In this section I’d like to talk through some specific scenarios we’ve seen in our coaching practice and how to handle them.

• Your ex runs away from you
• Your ex is angry or unkind to you
• They get really sad or emotional
• They are with a new romantic partner
• Dealing with a situation you can’t avoid

Let’s begin!

Your ex runs away from you

• Just know that your ex believes that you are the stronger person emotionally
• Your ex also believes himself/herself/themselves to be incapable of interacting with you in an emotionally calm manner
• Your ex is panicking or very anxious because they don’t know what to do
• Your ex is withdrawing out of fear (not fear of you, fear of not knowing what to do and not wanting to make everything worse)

If your ex is angry or unkind

• Stay calm
• Simply state: I do not have conversations with people who speak to me like this
• Turn around, walk away, and get away as quickly as possible from your ex
• Do not engage

If your ex is sad or gets really emotional

• Stay calm, use a slow-paced, low speaking tone
• Suggest to your ex that both of you should go a quieter place, then explain that you should both sit down until the ex feels a little better
• If the ex asks a lot of emotional questions (e.g., getting back together, missing you, what have you been doing or thinking, etc), say that now is not the time to have this discussion, because this discussion needs time, attention, and thought and you’re not prepared.
• Explain that you care for your ex and value him/her/them, but that the past is in the past.
• IF YOU WANT YOUR EX BACK, SAY: However, while the old relationship is over, that doesn’t mean that there can’t be something valuable between you moving forward
• IF YOU DON’T WANT YOUR EX BACK, SAY: It’s better for the time being for both of you to focus on being your best individual selves now and in the future.
• You’re working on yourself and trying to be your best self, and you want your ex to be doing the same
• If your ex asks if you’re seeing someone, be truthful: We’re both single, and I’m still definitely healing. I’m open to talking to people, but there is absolutely nothing serious, exclusive, or committed in my life right now. • Then redirect conversation for your ex to tell you about work/school, family/friends, or top interests.
• After the ex is calmer, state that he/she/they seem better, and that makes you happy.
• Then stand up and say that you have to go because you still have other things to finish today.
• State that it was good seeing him/her/them.
• DO NOT SAY YOU’LL TEXT IF YOU DON’T WANT THEM BACK.
• If you do want the person back, tell him/her/them that you’ll text in a couple of weeks and see how they are doing.

If your ex is with a new romantic partner

• Do not run away.
• If you’re within a few feet of your ex and the new person, walk up to the ex and introduce yourself (by name only) to the new person.
• Smile, be friendly, and have open, confident body language.
• Ask how your ex is doing and ask an open-ended question that demonstrates you know a lot about your ex – work, family, pets, etc.
• Say that you’re only there for a few minutes to get something or check on something, but you had to come by and say hi.
• Hug the ex and wave at the new person, say it was nice meeting the new person and seeing the ex
• Walk off as if you own the world.

If the situation is one you can’t avoid, such as work, Church, a small party, etc

• If you must attend this function, be prepared to have small talk with your ex
• Only address your ex if you are within arm’s length of your ex at the function
• Greet your ex in a friendly way
• Ask a function-appropriate question or two
• Make a friendly comment regarding the function
• After 5 minutes or less, put your hand on your ex’s arm and say that it was good to see your ex
• But you see (person) and need to chat with them for a bit
• Compliment your ex as you leave and say that you’ll text them in a few weeks