What To Do If You Fail Your No Contact Rule (Will It Work A Second Time?)

201 thoughts on “What To Do If You Fail Your No Contact Rule (Will It Work A Second Time?)”

Monica

July 27, 2020 at 12:44 am

I kinda need to know if I am screwed. After two weeks of no contact, I sent him his belongings. It was random stuff and he said thank you I didn’t need to. I tried to have normal conversation but then he brought up my wrong doing in the relationship ( never his of course). I explained myself again, tried to change to lighter subjects: it ended ok and him saying this is nice. Next day I asked if he wanted to be friends for real (like he told me in lengthy language when breaking up). He said, he thought I was really upset (I reached out to him) and the occasional chat is ok. I overreacted because I felt like he was the one that said friends so why was I getting this answer. I asked and then he launched into more wrong doings of mine he never told me. I had had enough of trying to not tell him about his and told him he needed to learn to actually talk to people and play an active role in relationships and not lash out and never say sorry but expect others to not notice his moodiness. He said “hope that observation serves you, take care”. I feel bad for what I said but it was true and he mad the most nit picky things he was bringing up that he either never said before or I said sorry before ( he never does). I hate that it ended like this and I really wanted us to be friends. Anytime I do something wrong he amplifies it and doesn’t forgive so I feel lost in if no contact again would do anything. The way he was acting was like he just didn’t care which made me feel like horrible but why bother telling me about all my wrong doing after the fact? He does like to argue and I get tired of backing down so it’s an endless battle. I know there is another girl in the picture . Should I even bother?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

August 8, 2020 at 11:45 pm

Hey Monica it is up to you if you want to try to get your ex back, if you do and there is someone else involved then you need to do a 45 day NC and then reach out to your ex, using the being there method.

Hannah

July 25, 2020 at 5:50 am

My ex and I dated for about 6 months he dumped me saying that he is going through some things and is not ready for a relationship. I only called him 3 times after the breakup and with every call he seemed happy and appreciative that I called him, after suggesting to be friends I told him No but he did not want to lose contact with me. He made compliments on pictures I post on Facebook until I decided to block him. After a period of 3 weeks I unblocked him and told him that I miss him, he told me he couldn’t belive that I blocked him and that he had to accept it and let go and told me that a relationship is not on his mind at the moment. He is a great guy and I’d like him back but is this a situation where I should let go completely or do the no contact rule?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

August 11, 2020 at 2:53 pm

Hi Hannah, I would suggest the No Contact rule if you choose you want your ex back at the end of your 30 days then reach out with the texting phase, if you do not want your ex back then go into indefinite No Contact

Ruchii

July 22, 2020 at 8:36 pm

Hi. This is literarily my last resort. So I broke up with my boyfriend and I want him back. Should I still do the No Contact thing? Cause his last words were that he really likes me but since I want to break up, we should stay friends. He called me on the night of the break up. Since then I haven’t texted him and he hasn’t texted me too.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

July 24, 2020 at 11:57 pm

Hey Ruchii, yes you need to do a No Contact and work on yourself in that time, also giving your ex some time to miss you as of right now your ex is going to be emotional because of the break up.

Jane

July 8, 2020 at 3:02 am

Hi, we’ve been together for 4 months, then 4 months apart because of corona. He seemed to be very much in love with me. I noticed that he is not writing to me that much for the last 2 months, often times I would scold him and beg him and ask if it’s over, if he’s playing games, if he doesn’t love me until a week ago he ghosted me. Couple days later I sent him a message, but deleted it and he saw it. No reaction. Today I messed up with changing something on his profile, now I’m scared he wouldn’t even check it. And I obviously broke the no contact rule. What to do? I’m worried he doesn’t care put of the blue.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

July 25, 2020 at 3:13 pm

Hey Jane you need to restart your NC and make sure that you do not go onto any of his social media pages either. Work on yourself and your holy trinity so that you are the best version of yourself and show your ex that you are doing great with out them. At the end of the 45 day NC you then start the texting phase

Ivan

July 1, 2020 at 8:48 pm

I technically completed the 30-day no contact rule and contacted my gf thereafter. At first It was all good but after awhile she said that shes going out with another man, I was shocked so I a became a text GNAT then she blocked me. What should I do?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

July 1, 2020 at 9:24 pm

Hey Ivan, so you would need to go back into another NC because you gnatted and then start the being there method after this 45 day period

Christina

June 25, 2020 at 7:08 am

I didn’t realize watching ex’s social media stories is considered breaking no contact. Is there any way I can turn things around or is it too late?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

June 27, 2020 at 8:45 pm

Hey Christina, you need to stop watching his social media so that you are not spending your time focusing on him, you should be focusing on you. So switch your mindset to being all about you and use social media for a positive Ungettable so that your ex wonders why you are doing so well without him

Mr r m ottaway

June 1, 2020 at 11:43 am

Hi
I broke up with my girlfriend during lockdown things where fine to start with texting etc then she went a bit quite ,so I asked if we were ok all I got back was how busy she was at work ( care home manager ) so I send nice texts etc to cheer her up ,but didn’t get much back ,I explained I was missing her and needed more to which again all I got I was she’s shattered ,until I was practically being irgonored over three weeks ,so I said if she felt different I understand but I don’t deserve to be treated like this .then it came out she knows she’s shut down but needs too .I said what about us she said we are in limbo until its over .I’ve tried texting getting cold replies ,I’ve just broken two weeks of no contact as it was her birthday . I don’t know what to do help .

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

June 3, 2020 at 9:47 pm

Hey there, so if you havent done so and she is leaving you in limbo you need to spend sometime following a No Contact where you show her you are not going to be left unsure of where you stand. Spend the rest of this time working on yourself best you can with the lock down. Be sure to read and work on your Holy Trinity

Emily

May 16, 2020 at 10:13 pm

Hello! I feel crazy commenting here, but I’m reaching for anything at this post. My ex and I have been together for almost a year and a half, lived together for 9 months. We definitely had issues, but quarantine escalated them all terribly. We went from rarely arguing to arguing every couple days these past couple months. 8 days ago he abruptly moved out. I did what I shouldn’t- tried to beg him to stay for hours. It just made it worse. He packed up all the important stuff (except a couple things i know he accidentally forgot that he wants back) but literally left behind all his clothes. When he actually left, I went in the other room instead of watching him leave, and I didn’t contact him at all for 7 days (although I have been in contact with a mutual friend). Today, day 8, I contacted his Mom to see if I should send his clothes because I am sending the stuff he wants back anyway. When she didn’t answer, I kind of freaked out and called him and realized he has me blocked. So then I messaged him on something he doesn’t have me blocked on, and he didn’t answer but hasn’t blocked me there yet. Clearly, I’m out of control and am starting no contact again (but for real this time, not going to contact our mutual friend anymore). Is there still hope? Is mailing his stuff breaking contact?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

May 21, 2020 at 12:16 am

Hi Emily no you are not breaking NC if you return his belongings

Chloe

May 4, 2020 at 10:14 pm

Hey,
So I recently got dumped after a long distance 4 year relationship. We had a shaky start to the relationship when it first started, with dishonestly and power imbalance but eventually we got passed those problems and we were happy in eachothers company. 2 months ago he stayed over at my house for a month before returning home once the whole lockdown situation started and he feared boarders closing etc. 2 days before he left we had an argument, but it was more just me being upset that he is leaving and I wasn’t sure when I’d see him next, I got mad at him over something he did and overreacted. 2 days after he arrived home he had a talk with his sister and decided that its best that we break up as we have too much bad history and he cant see a future with me. I was devastated and felt I was completely blindsided. I didn’t speak to him for 10 days and it was tough but on the 10th day I noticed that he blocked me. I felt worse than I did at the beginning and I couldn’t help but email him and ask him what was wrong and why he blocked me? He was happy to receive my email and said that he wanted to cut me off because he kept being reminded of me and he didn’t think I wanted to be friends. We spoke for a little bit and we decided that we should exchange emails every so often and explain what went wrong and how we feel about the relationship & update eachother on our lives. I was the last one to send him an email and once he replies I am wondering if I should start the NC again for 4 weeks? He says it’s not our time now and that we should try again when we can live together, since I have university for another 3 years & he doesnt want to spend his spare time travelling aswell as that he wants a gf that he can see daily and lives close to him rather than different countries. But I don’t want to wait and hold onto false hope.
I know I broke the NC rule the first time around so I am wondering if there is any point in NC again or if we should keep communicating?

Thank you!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

May 17, 2020 at 9:40 pm

Hi Chloe if you want to get your ex back and follow this process then you need to complete a full 30 day NC and I suggest that you ask your family not to discuss your relationship with him going forward either as it is not going to help your end goal

Brian Kayume

April 29, 2020 at 4:43 pm

About a months or so back after I finally gave up chasing my ex she came back. She was very hurt and broken by what was going on and had finally realized and missed me. I didn’t respond in time I gave it a few days but I saw she was hurting so much. We started talking back and in time she got better and would say she missed me and stuff but she didn’t know how to feel at times. We’d talk like a couple and talk about doing couples stuff but we still werent together. I was trying to show her I was in no rush for a relationship and that I was different now. But we fought for petty stuff time and time again and I’d notice sometimes she’d be distant and what not yet she still asked me to trust her and stuff. I let the old me seep through the cracks sometimes and more and more it drove her away till one night we fought and she blocked me again. This time it was different I was anticipating that she would’ve started to losing some feelings because we’re in quarantine and distant from each other rn and she lives quite a while away. She’s a big over thinker and we both have trust issues I got sick one night and called her after a week of being blocked again saying it makes no sense that we go through all of this and that I’m sorry. We started talking back for a day or two and I noticed her texting different everything seemed weird then I found out she was losing emotions. I gave it some time before asking again how long she felt that way so I could know how to distant myself and what not but then she hit me with a low blow saying we broke up for some while now and that none of that is my business anymore yet done weeks before she’d say and act the opposite of that. She said I shouldn’t care and that she’s fine and then she said I shouldn’t come with pitty face anymore cause she doesn’t care anymore. And she left saying just bye and blocked meI feel used even though I was the one who initially was there was she was broken and upset, all that speak of loyalty now I feel as though she has someone else or doesn’t wanna say anything. I tried no contact before and she came back in two weeks, I agree that I replied too soon and shouldve given it some more time. But after seeing what happened now it hurts more. She would get hurt when I tell her stuff like she’s my ex and what not but it seems like she doesn’t feel that way as much now. Should I try no contact properly again . Since we broke up we’ve been in a state of back and forth but never became a couple again and idk what to do. She blocked me and it was said that it was because I was too clingy , too much and stuff along those lines, yet it would also in some cases be a problem if I wasn’t there alot. She said leave her alone and that was it now I’m fearing alot of stuff. I want to try coaching sadly my country or means of income at this point doesn’t allow it . Will no contact even work now again?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

May 7, 2020 at 5:55 pm

Hi Brian, I think it could if you are willing to work on yourself a little, I would say that you show signs of being insecure if she is distant. You need to show how you are confident and secure this way she is going to be more appealed to trying to get your attention again, but for now. No Contact, and work on your Holy Trinity but I would say that you would need to follow a 45 day No Contact this time around

Ben

April 29, 2020 at 6:47 am

Hi
So my ex boyfriend and I broke up in January due to contrast bicars and fights but from there me and him were still in contact and did meet sometimes, come March and I decided to put the NC in place as I still love him and want to be with him however he doesn’t feel the same, a few days later he starts messaging me and we talk for an amazing 3 weeks until he told me he did go on a date and was intimate but he felt nothing and wanted to see how it could go with us, I unfortunately got very jealous and did lash out and being lockdown all we did was go back to our petty fights and bicars. It’s got too much for him and he wants me and him to have less contact. Should I do the NC rule and is there a chance we could get back together from this?

Thanks

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

May 1, 2020 at 9:20 pm

Hi Ben, so yes you can follow the No Contact rule and work on yourself and the Holy Trinity so that you are in a better place when you speak to your ex again. It is never nice knowing that your ex has been intimate with someone else but that is part of single life, so if he does mention it again try not to react, to knowledge. As this is going to make you appear jealous and not mature to deal with the fact that he is living his life. You need to be doing the same, you need to date casually if you can – lock down rules over of course. But dating apps etc would do you some good to help you work on your confidence and also if news got back to your ex that you were online it would cause a reaction

Ale

April 20, 2020 at 2:13 am

Hi Chris and company!
Can NC work a third time?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 20, 2020 at 12:18 pm

Hi Ale, is it a third break up? Or you’ve broken it three times?

If its a third break up then yes you can do it again but you must be strict. If you have broken the same NC period three times, then it can still work but you are lessening the affects of it each time you break it. This would mean you need to do 45 day NC and work on yourself in that time and work on your emotional control to stop yourself from reaching out or replying to your ex

Mariah

April 18, 2020 at 5:23 pm

At the end of Feb., I broke up with a guy I was seeing for 3.5 months and said we should be friends. It all happened so fast and we both caught feelings within the 3 months. We didn’t have sex, but we did initiate things and spent nights sleeping over by each other.

The truth is I didn’t (don’t) want to be friends with him because I still have a lot of feelings for him. He agreed to the friendship. I broke up with him because he bailed pretty frequently whenever we made plans, and I felt like he lost interest, so I ended it. I still want to be with him, but I don’t think he knows that. I’ve been distant and unresponsive these past 2 months, but we’ve been in contact and he still reaches out. I miss him a lot, but I don’t know if I should try to get him back or just move on… I implemented NC at the beginning on April, and he has reached out 3x so far via text. He texted me to say Happy Easter last week, and I responded saying Thanks. He followed up that night and I didn’t respond.

Will No Contact work in this situation or should I just move on? He’s seeing other girls, so I feel like he’ll get over it/me and move on by the time the 30 days are over. I just don’t know what to do but I still have so many feelings for him and have been crying literally every day since no contact.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 25, 2020 at 9:45 am

Hi Mariah, so you would need to do a 45 day NC as he is spending time with other girls you need to give it time for this to get boring to him and also giving him time to realise that you and he had a better time than he will with these other girls. I would then reach out after 45 days with the type of texts that Chris suggests in his articles and videos to get your ex talking and you remain unphased by the other girls while doing the being there method.

Maria

April 11, 2020 at 2:01 am

Hey there, i dated a guy and realised that he is texting other girls we broke up a month and half ago. He wants to come back together but i don’t think that he is planning to stop chatting with others. We met two weeks ago and talked about everything he said that he needs time to think, we didn’t talk for two weeks and yesterday at night i called him, he didn’t reply at morning said that he was sleeping. He asked me to come and meet with him, i guess he wanted me to sleep with him. I made a mistake and showed him some jelousy and insecurities. At first he answered to my jealousy messages and he in one moment he stopped, i wasn’t too jealous just little bit kinda joking. When we met two weeks ago he was so nice to me, we had short kiss for goodbye that day because we knew we won’t be able to meet soon because of the situation with coronavirus. What should i do, i’am not ready to move on, but i already broke the NC rule several times… Plus how to have good NC when your ex knows that you are at home doing nothing probabbly? Should we use dating apps, will that help? 21, 30 or 45 days? Thank you, stay safe

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 14, 2020 at 11:08 pm

Hi Maria, yes I would be on the dating apps but do not get too intimate with someone else, and then I would also follow the texting phase but do not show him jealousy or concern for who he is talking to as if they are a threat you need to remind your self that you are the best he is ever going to get to be with

Alexandria

April 7, 2020 at 6:25 am

Hi I read your forum and im not sure if its okay or not to ask questions but my ex and i initiated no contact on feb 24th, come march 19th he reached out to me worried about how i was doing and just making sure i was safe during the pandemic, so we had one of the most positive video chats since our break up and no contact.. i tried to get into relationship talk and he said he wasnt ready just yet but the more we talk the more would be seen and we should go slow and rebuild foundation and trust and that hed talk to me in a few weeks to a month, so i said ok. come yesterday i had some drinks and i got emotional and intoxicated i then proceeded to reach out to him and i did blow him up and i was very emotional which is why i dont drink but i ended up doing it, the next day i apologized and he said leave it as it is ill call you in a few months and he said that our last convo from march 19th does still stand and said bye, does it sound like he means what he says? did i ruin everything..

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 7, 2020 at 11:19 pm

Hi Alexandria, I would say that you got too emotional too soon for your ex and that is why he has backed off. I would complete 45 days No Contact and then reach out in a friendly way avoiding any emotional talk

Sarah

April 1, 2020 at 7:03 am

Hi, my fiance broke up with me suddenly when his mother died following a long illness about a month ago. We were together for 4 years, and had purchased a home together one year ago. I was very close to his mother she was one of my closest friends before even dating him. The first 2 weeks following the breakup we continued to live together, and I did all the wrong things begged him not to do this, to give us a chance to work it out, asking him why, telling him I loved him. I did spend time comforting him and grieving with him during this time as well. He told me he wasnt happy, and had not been for a while and didnt love me anymore. He said he needed some time but there was a chance we could work things out after he had some space to deal with losing his mom.
He moved out and I was devastated. I was so angry with him for doing this that I lasted out a few times. We work together so no contact was hard, everytime I would go a day or more without talking to him he would send me nasty text accusing me of sleeping with other people to the extent I changed my number. He began messaging me on social media and we were talking daily and I made a stupid mistake of sleeping with him several times believing we were in the process of reconciling. He swore I was the only woman he was involved with and he wasnt seeing anyone else or trying to. 10 days ago I found out that was a lie, a friend saw him on tinder and told me, I also questioned him and found out he had spent a few nights with his other ex at a mutual friends house but swears nothing happened. I don’t believe him. I told him if we were working things out, he couldn’t be spending the night with her. He became very cruel and said he wasnt going to stop and didnt want me anymore if I was going to act like this. So I told him he was wrong if he thought he could use me and waltz in and out of my life whenever he wanted and I had no desire to be just one of the women he sleeps with. And cut off all contact. I was great until today, he hasnt even tried to contact me or even spoke to me at work, and I panicked and text him asking if we were really over for good. He did respond but stated “that was a random thing to say, since I blocked him (I didnt, I just dont use social media much) and switched shifts at work and haven’t talked to him. I told him we both just needed space and I didnt block him kn anything. Then we talked about work for a few minutes and the conversation ended. Did I blow it or can “No Contact” still work? If he is sleeping with other women, will he even miss me?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 9, 2020 at 11:47 pm

Hi Sarah I would say grief is controlling most of his decisions right now and thats a strong emotion to be dealing with where logic is not going to be his strong point right now. Yes No Contact will work giving that you stick to it and do not watch any of his movements as it is going to delay you healing. Understand he is not coping very well with the loss of his mother if he is making fast decisions right now. You focus on yourself, get over the break up and work the HolyTrinity so that you are at your best self when you start texting your ex again

Mel

March 21, 2020 at 5:59 am

Hi, I’m Mel. I firstly want to thank you so much for guiding so many people around the world through their heart breaks.
So about me, Ive been seeing this guy for over 2 months now, and it was obviously great at the start. Sometime towards the end of feb we had a bit of a disconnect. I work with him too, so it’s not very easy to bump into each other. Anyway, we got into silly fights and all i wanted to do was sort it out and get back to where we were. But somehow we reached a point where he asked me to give him about two weeks of time and space, i obviously freaked out and “gnatted”, till about last weekend actually lol which was the 14th of march. As horrible and embarrassing as it sounds i did beg etc from the 1st week of march till the 14th of march, thats when i asked him one last time if he wants me to move on, and to that he said “not to someone else”, he just wants time to himself cause he didnt want to lose his feelings for me, and he wanted me to do the same. Anyway, so since last saturday (14th march), i respected his wish and gave him that space, no unecessary texts or calls. Although, i did call him yesterday morning (after 5 days of zero contact), it was a very casual fun conversation, i wanted to know if he was okay during this whole covid-19 pandemic. we spoke for about 7 minutes and he said he had to go back to his workout and that he was really glad to hear my voice. I never pestered him about our relationship or anything, but i did ask him “hey how come you didn’t call or text me, i thought you’d be worried if i’ve caught the virus” lol, he laughed and said “no i thought we decided we need time apart for 2 weeks since the 14th march”, and to that i laughed and said i was only joking i just wanted to make sure he was okay. We ended the call yesterday on high spirits and with a good laugh, but i do feel bad i broke the no contact rule. As we decided to give each other space for 2 weeks since the 14th march, which means i have another 7 days to go, i have now decided to not call or text him until he does. How effective do you think this would turn out now that i kinda broke the no contact? i really do love him and want us to eventually work on us. Looking forward to hearing back from you. Stay safe XOXO

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 31, 2020 at 12:33 am

Hi Mel if you want the program to work then you need to reach out after you NC period is complete that being 30 days or 45, where you use texts that Chris suggests doing. If you break NC you start again from day one, and you need to make sure that you reach out at the end of the NC period to develop through the program. Working your way up the value ladder.

satyam

March 20, 2020 at 7:32 pm

my long distance ex gf just broke up with me 2 days back saying that the never loved me eventhough being with me for 3 years and we met every 6 months for at least 1 months and she was only accepting this because she was doing this out of sympathy on me as i use to cry and try to convince her every time we had a fight and everytime she ignored me and she texted me 4 times and then deleted it and also called me 8 times what should i do right now i have been following the no contact rule for the last 2 days blocking her and all her mutual friends from every social sites except watsapp and today she texted me what should i do but i fear she wont text me back
Jay

March 19, 2020 at 8:36 pm

So I’m in a difficult situation. My ex of 3 months gave me the ole “It’s not You it’s me, I’m not in a place where I can give you what you’re wanting as far as exclusivity.” “So maybe we can take a step back and be friends, then if you’re available, and when I’m ready.” He also gave me an option to be friends and said communication doesn’t have to stop with him and it’s ultimately up to me. After the break up I continued to send him the typical “Good morning” text which follows up with small talk. After 3 days of doing this it made me miserable and quite depressing seeing as he kinda left the door open. So day 4 I figured I will not text him and start the NC rule. He texted that afternoon “Hope you’re having a good day.” I ignored it until this morning Day 5. I called him thinking I’ll go ahead an tell him I don’t think this friendship thing will work for me and I need sometime to detach myself. WHY DID I CALL HIM!!! He rushed me off the phone before I could get to the subject and told me he would call me after he got out of the shower. Here we are 5hrs later and I’m feeling pretty stupid cause he never called me back or even text to tell me why he hasn’t called me back. My question is how do I reinstate the NC rule at this point. I hate that I had a weak moment and now I feel like he took the power in his own hands seeing that I upset him by ignoring him for a day. Will this ruin the effectiveness cause it’s blown up in my face? I want him back but I also want him to miss my presence cause we spent a lot of the day texting and FaceTiming if we weren’t spending quality time together. Yes I failed NO CONTACT IN A DAY!!! Ugh what do I do?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 20, 2020 at 10:57 pm

Hi Jay just re start from day one but make sure you stick to it, the more times you break it the less of an impact it has on your process

Marc

March 19, 2020 at 2:59 am

My ex cheated on me and I broke the no contact by asking how she was, she said she misses me so I asked later if she loved me still. She got angry and blocked me then unblocked me after 5 minutes. But I never replied. Still worth restarting?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 19, 2020 at 10:41 am

Hi Marc, yes re start and do not reach out to ask if she loves or misses you again even though it is hard to deal with someone who cheats on you. You need to show you are not going to accept being treated that way

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