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marcia
March 11, 2020 at 10:15 pm
Dear Chris, Dear Shaunna,
So I am re-starting no contact with my ex, as he blocked me back, after he answered my query when I was concerned about his well-being and safety after the emergency incident in my town.
Since then, he hasn’t unblocked me. Now with the coronavirus threat around us, I believe there is no room for bitter feelings towards anyone in the world. But he stays the same, and he is not unblocking me.
Do you think he will ever unblock me again? He has blocked/unblocked me 5 times already in 3 years. But his blocking intervals have become long (recently 2 months), and his unblocking intervals are very short (the last one was only being unblocked for 1 week). What a tactic and I wonder what is the purpose!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 12, 2020 at 1:09 pm
Hi Marcia, so not to downplay the virus right now.. but it not a reason to break no contact or a reason to reach out, and it is not something that is going to affect your ERP process. IF you are blocked you remain in No Contact and work the Ungettable, if you are unblocked and it has passed the 45 day mark of NOT speaking then you can reach out with a text that Chris suggests. He is blocking you because your conversations are more than likely obvious reach out to talk to him emotionally or he gets the vibe that you are trying to get him back. When you are willing to start moving on with your life is when you get better results
Chris
March 7, 2020 at 7:19 pm
Hi, I would love some help! Me and my ex have really gone through the paces. We were together 2/3 years. He struggled with my anxiety and I ended up not working which just made everything worse. He broke up with me and the anxiety caused me to reach out, stalk, message, email for the following 3 months (Fully blocked me on the phone and only replied to the odd email saying go away) 5/6 months later he unblocked me, I made out I was doing much better and we ended up getting talking and spending time with each other until he found out I hadn’t improved I had lied and it really hurt him! He said, I needed to get hold of it because it’s too depressing the one person he wanted to spend his life with just won’t get sorted. We split up and 3 weeks later, he was with someone new living the ‘perfect life’ which again triggered me into messaging and getting involved with his relationship. Since stopping, they ended up breaking up after less than 2 months…I’m still fully blocked and he hasn’t replied to any emails for 2 months.
We did really love each other and I’m working on my anxiety which was the total cause of our relationship not working.
I don’t know whether to keep focusing on myself and hope he unblocks me or ever try emailing and reaching out again.
It did get very stalker, I would message all the time via text until he blocked me then would email.
I guess it’s only been 3 weeks since I last emailed so I should just wait and see if he ever unblocks me in months to come like he has always done before?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 17, 2020 at 8:27 pm
Hi Chris, so from what you have told me you should do a 45 day no contact at a minimum but yes, until you are unblocked you have to remain in No Contact. You admit that your actions were very stalker like. That is not a good impression to leave on your ex so you are going to have to accept its going to take some time for your ex to forget those things. Do no email your ex again. You need to work on the Ungettable information and then from there you can apply this to yourself using social media to show the improvements you are making to your life
marcia
March 1, 2020 at 11:38 pm
Dear Chris, dear Shaunna,
I have news! There is an emergency situation today in my town and I was naturally worried if my ex is OK. So, as I am blocked by him in messenger, I sent a text to his mobile, saying ”I hope you are OK, I would love to hear that everything is fine with you”.
A while later, he unblocked me in messenger and he replied, ”yes, all is fine” and then we started talking! After 1 year of ignoring my texts, that was unbelievable! We talked for 30′. But I was the one who was asking him all the questions, and he was just replying in a cold way, and never asked me anything about myself!
Then suddenly he writes ”I am going to sleep” so I sent ”kisses, goodnight”. Then he sent this nostalgic text: ”I remember when we used to meet up at your house”. I read it but replied 10 minutes later ”I remember it too” . And quess what…. I find out that I am blocked again, and this last message didn’t even go through. So, he kind of said he missed me, then blocked me again, then went to sleep. Perhaps because I didn’t reply immediately, and he was angry?
I am sad, and happy and confused and I want to cry… He simply holds the key of our communication. This behavior doesn’t make any sense. What is left to do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 2, 2020 at 10:25 pm
Hi Marica, so you should have stayed away from emotional conversations and you shouldn’t really have reached out for this even though it was an emergency in your area, you have just made him aware that you still care. So re start a No Contact and make sure when you reach out again you need to use one of Chris texts where it is short and friendly but do not outstay your welcome where he becomes cold with his replies.
Daisy
February 27, 2020 at 5:52 pm
Hi Shaunna ,thanks so much for your reply , do you think him looking and ignoring my message but not blocking me this time is showing he might still be interested?
Should I be encouraged that he didn’t block me this time ?
Many thanks again
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 27, 2020 at 10:51 pm
Hi Daisy, I think the fact he didnt block you shows that he is less emotional about hearing from you which is good as if you give it some time and create the type of text that Chris suggests hes going to be more likely to reply to you for a short conversation. Where you need to make sure that you end the conversation not him, even if you just stop replying randomly
Daisy
February 25, 2020 at 2:49 pm
Hi ,I hope you can help ,I was a text gnat to my LDR (We are together 2 years) at his busiest time (I was bad) he blocked me everywhere ,I waited one month tried to sort me head out and then after a month I find I am unblocked so I message a neutral fun message and he blocked me again so I wait 5 weeks ,try to improve myself ,made a funny video of silly things that we did and then I find I am unblocked agin so I send the video ,my ex read it straight away but there was no response ,I have waited 10 days but don’t know if I should message again . Can he still be mad ,has he gone off me in this time ? I’m not sure what to do next ? Thanks in advance
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 26, 2020 at 10:05 pm
Hi Daisy, so when you are a gnat you become the person they dread to hear from as they are going to assume that one text is going to follow by a thousand others. Its good that you waited 5 weeks before reaching out but make sure that when you do you are following Chris texting advice and trying to get him to talk about his interests and ending the conversation at the peak
Chloe
February 25, 2020 at 12:44 am
Hi
I broke up with my boyfriend of a year about 3 weeks ago because he was treating me badly (hot and cold etc.). I became spiteful and messaged his housemate telling him- with the message og ‘please take care of him he has nobody else in Aus’ even though you dont get along. The housemate didnt realise that my bf didnt like him and I think I definitely accidently caused drama that my ex would have hated. I messaged my ex and told him what I had accidently said and he got very angry with me, telling me to leave him alone and goodbye because this shows I dont listen to him about things (like dont trust my housemate he is a snake). He has ended things 5 times over the year mostly via SMS and I would always tell him how immature it was that he did that. I finally did it via SMS when I was so upset that he told me to go away (that morning) because he was tired and didnt feel like speaking to me. He told me that he cannot believe I would dump him via SMS when I was always so against him doing it to me.
A week after I did this I messaged my ex telling him that I really wanted to be with him but that we needed to be nice to each other- that I grew up in a home with lots of name calling and I hated that he did that to me (even in jest). He didnt respond.
A week after that I messaged again and asked him not to ignore me. He responded that he did not want to be with me again.
I asked him if he used me for his visa (I did his visa paperwork for a year so he could stay in the country- he sucked at paperwork), he said no. I asked if he had found someone else and he said “no I have not been out, I have no interest in finding someone else, I want to be on my own.” I asked him if he ever loved me (he never said it but would always ask if I loved him) and he told me he would not answer this. I didnt let it go and I saw he had blocked my number.
I then messaged him on instagram asking him to please just answer- he said “go away!!!!!” and blocked me. I got annoyed and felt really disrespected (knowing I was also disrespecting him!) and messaged him on messenger and said “stop being so mean to me! I have always answered you when you have asked and I have never asked this! Please answer.” He wrote “do not do this.” I sent a sad face and he said “move on there is nothing to gain from this.” I said “please just answer some things before I let you go.” He responded “No” and blocked me.
I did the same thing on Whatsapp and he blocked me.
I have NO WAY of contacting him now. I am so upset. It has been 5 days and I feel as though I have completely ruined it.Is there anything I can do now?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 3, 2020 at 10:37 pm
Hi Chloe so you have to do no contact at this point as you have no way to reach out so during that time you can focus on yourself and your holy trinity. Which is going to be to your advantage when you get unblocked it just takes time for your ex to get curious about what is going on in your life. Read the posts about being Ungettable and prepare yourself for your first text reach out but make sure you do not do it in the same week that you notice your ex unblocks you
belynn
February 22, 2020 at 1:11 pm
I was dating this guy from January 2019, everything seemed great until September when we had a misunderstanding that led to cutting off of communication, he went mute for almost 3 months and during this time I was the one initiating communication because i was trying my best to apologize for all the hurtful things I said to him.
but in January this year, I felt tired of his continued silent treatment, so I approached and asked him if he was still interested in fixing the relationship and he said he wasn’t sure so I decided to let him go after having an in-depth discussion with him he decided to end the relationship because I couldn’t keep giving my life and time to a person who is undecisive .i respected his decision and didn’t beg him to stay
After 3weeks of no contact he starts calling and texting, i didn’t pick or reply because I knew I wasn’t emotionally strong enough to talk to him
I went about with my life like everything was great but unfortunately, this was valentines week .on vals day I ordered flowers and had them delivered to my workplace.
he got to know about the delivery, got really angry I guess.
so when I figured out that I can now reach out to him after the no contact period has ended and also I feel am now emotionally strong, only to find out he has blocked me on WhatsApp, Instagram, unfriended me on Facebook.and cant figure out what his issue is because it was him who wanted to be free from me,so Why act bothered about the flowers?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 28, 2020 at 9:06 pm
Hey Benlynn, so being bothered by the flowers is a natural reaction for an ex, even if they wanted the break up. It is an emotional reaction. He is upset that you could be dating someone else, so you now know he is struggling with the break up too. I would attempt to reach out with a text that Chris suggests through normal text message and see what sort of reaction you get from him
marcia
February 20, 2020 at 9:24 pm
Dear Chris, dear Shaunna,
I may have good news! My ex who re-blocked me 3 days ago, he now put a new fb post, saying that ”he is feeling fantastic”, and the post then says ”you have no permission to view this post, or it is viewable to a limited number of people, or the owner may have deleted it”. Several people have ”liked” it, so that means it is real, just I am not allowed to see it.
He normally doesn’t make public posts more often that once per year! He never had put such a post before saying ”I am feeling great”. So putting this up, just 3 days after re-blocking me, I think is made on purpose, to tell me that, he is doing fantastic after he blocked me!
All we can do is laugh!! I hope I am right…!!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 20, 2020 at 10:13 pm
Hi Marica, I think you area right that this is justify to himself that he is doing “great” if he was happy he wouldnt feel the need to announce it publically
priya verma
February 17, 2020 at 7:59 pm
hey i was seeing someone for three months we went on holidays etc .. i asked him few times if its going somewhere he always just ignored me .. i got a bit annoyed ans said i want to stay quite for a while he said ok . then i messaged him after a couple of days and asked how was his day and he never replied . i messged few times but no reply .its been two weekks now and looks like he have changed his ph number too as i tried calling him last week . i dont have his any social media or no mutual friends what should i do ? thanking you in advance
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 17, 2020 at 8:39 pm
Hi Priya, it seems as if your “ex” didn’t want to have a more committed relationship than what you had at the time and avoiding speaking to you about it was his way of dealing with things rather than being honest. If you do not hear from him within 30 days and no other way to contact him than texting or phoning him then I would suggest you start to focus on moving on
marcia
February 15, 2020 at 10:24 pm
Dear Chris, dear Shaunna,
One surprise after the other! After 1 full week of being unblocked on messenger by my ex, he now blocked me back again!
I didn’t try to reach out to him, in that week that I was unblocked, but I was just posting facebook stories of posh places that I visited (but he never viewed any of my stories). What does this mean I wonder! Could he be obsessed, or just making fun of me? I wish there was a way to find out…
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 16, 2020 at 9:12 am
Hey Marcia, so he isn’t making fun of you, he may have unblocked you to see if you would reach out to him and when you didnt he was disappointed especially when he sees that you are posting stories etc, try not to worry about this action though it is more common than you think and usually is a result that he is feeling angry/ emotional about the break up. You will be unblocked again soon
Becky
February 11, 2020 at 1:54 am
Got a situation where everything was going good.
His got a family member who was in hospital all week. I played cool girl was sweet didn’t harrass him checked up on him brought groceries for the house etc.
He sent me a msg saying good night sweet dreams babe etc.
Saturday came around and I responded to the text saying good morning and how is your family member .
Didn’t hear from him. Called him later on in the day he picked up and had an attitude towards me.
I slightly cracked it and told him all I’ve done was see how you are and not give me attitude
Said I’ll speak to him later when his less moody.
Sent him a text telling him to not let out his anger on me.
He didn’t respond – wrote him a message how I feel like his shutting me out for no reason and his not consistent. He responds back – if you don’t like it then don’t bother with me. Which then pisssed me off so I said k. Take care wish u all the best.
Next day I was calm explained how it pissed me off the way he disregarded me when all I was doing was explaining why I was so upset then all he wrote was your better off with out me take care then BLOCKED
Me being annoyed reached out with different numbers to call him. Msg him off my friends numbers trying to make it right he was responding back being so resentful.
I let him talk to me like crap for 3-4 days then I told him he cannot speak to people like this.
He says take care wish u welll
Left it since. Haven’t bothered – he still has me blocked. Been 5 days. How can someone switch up so suddenly?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 17, 2020 at 8:12 pm
Hi Becky it is odd that he would change that quickly but if he family member is close to him and they are seriously unwell that could explain the anger he has and has no where to direct it sadly you got the blunt of it. I suggest that you avoid reaching out to your ex again until 45 days has passed or he makes the effort to get in touch with you an apologise for his attitude
marcia
February 8, 2020 at 10:28 am
Dear Chris, dear Shaunna,
I can’t believe it… my ex he unblocked me today on messenger. I was blocked for around 2 months, this being his new year ”blocking punishment”. This must be the 5th time he blocks/unblocks me in 3 years. Of course I stayed indifferent, and didn’t message him anything.
So, as you said, he likely isn’t married, otherwise why all this messing me around? Does this look like a pattern to you? Turning the chat on / off every 2 months or so!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 8, 2020 at 4:32 pm
Yes it seems odd to be doing it ever two months or so. Make sure you DO NOT reach out but put some stories on your messenger feed to see if he does view any. That way you know he unblocks you when you are on his mind. Do something you know he would have loved to do (example would be surging)
Beth
January 24, 2020 at 9:30 pm
Hi. So my situation is a little more complicated. There is this guy I’ve been talking to a few months who has liked me ever since we started hanging out but I didn’t return the same feelings. However, now the tables have turned and I like him. Lately we’ve been fighting a lot. He said he’s not ready for a relationship and things are different now. But he gives mixed singles because the other day when we were with his family he told them that he didn’t think he would be getting into another relationship. I’ve met his family and when we’re around friends he’ll cater to me as his gf. He’s not afraid of showing me off and treated me well. He blocked me yesterday. I wasn’t an angel and am not gonna lie, i get jealous a lot and that has caused him a lot of distress. I recently found out he had slept with this girl years again who is still in his friend group and I felt uncomfortable about it so I told m to block her. He lied about it and I found out and went off. He told me goodbye and blocked me and then went on ig to message the group chat we had with other fiends about going to Hawaii and asked them what are the plans and right after asking removed me from the convo so I couldn’t answer. I feel always and I don’t want to harass him more.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 25, 2020 at 9:32 am
Hey Beth, so it sounds like you have put “relationship” obligations on him to which he didn’t want thats why he said he did not want a relationship, for example telling him to block a girl friend when you are not actually girlfriend and boyfriend anyway. Showing jealousy to a lot of guys is a big turn off so you need to work on that for future reference. I suggest that you focus on yourself for 30 days with a no contact regards to the ex and just be with your friends without mentioning him or what has happened. The more indifferent you seem to the situation the better the outcome is for you
marcia
January 20, 2020 at 11:30 pm
Dear Chris, Dear Shaunna,
Happy New Year to you both! Here I am to attest that Saunna you were right when you said my ex ”is not likely playing games, rather this was a failed attempt of communication”. If this was a game, he would have continued. I think he is not free to receive messages from me, that was why he opened my chat for 30′ in secret mode and then, after I did not reply, he blocked me to go back to his cave.
I think he got married, because I read (from another facebook account, as he has blocked me from seeing his wall) that a friend wrote to him ”happy new year my friend and enjoy your family”. But which family exactly does he mean? His mum is a widow. His brother is married. He lives alone since last year. So I think something changed in his life, perhaps he impregnated a girl and he suddenly had to marry her…. If he now has his own family, then this message makes sense.
This can explain why he ignored me for a full year, and now decided to block me from messaging him on FB, if he is married. This will explain the times when he had also blocked me in the past during Christmas and disappeared at the summer holidays. Obviously he was busy with an official girlfriend at those times – whom he now likely married, while I was just believing his silly excuses ”oh, probably I blocked you by mistake”. We all know, you need to press several buttons to block someone. It doesn’t happen by mistake!
I hope I am wrong, but until the opposite is proven, to end my misery, I will assume he is married, and will officially declare him void. What a vauge story ending, with just darkness….
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 22, 2020 at 7:47 pm
Hi Marcia, I am really sorry, but lets not assume just know that right now he has blocked you he is doing it so that you can not message him for some reason. I would assume girlfriend no wife as there would be proof of her on his social media as a wife I am sure there would be at least a photo of him suited up. Keep working on being Ungettable and remind yourself that you deserve better that what he is giving you!
Hani
January 16, 2020 at 1:01 pm
I have long distance relationship with a guy for a year. I had observed his behaviour. He always blocked me after argument. Sometimes, the reason was silly like I fall asleep and he kept calling for couple times (our time difference = 6hours). I always find a way to contact him back and say sorry.
Last week, I had enough. I give him the power to manipulate and abuse me. I decided to let him be. Once I am strong enough, I will contact him again to let him go for good.
Lynn
January 6, 2020 at 10:22 am
We lived together for 3 years and after an argument he moved out, however it really wasnt a move as he was at home 5 days a week still, spending the other 2 at his parents. As time went on, I believe he started seeing people from Tinder, but was still at home 3-4 nights a week. At christmas he took a vacation with me and my family, but would mention, I was single or he loved me but couldnt be with me because I was mean.
I would like to point out that we had no arguments during the time he left in the end of Oct to the vacation because I was so timid mainly because just saying hi could have him blow up. I tried no contact but he kept coming home and I didnt know how to handle.
We return from vacation and hes gone MIA for 2 days, no answering texts, phone not at parents etc. Day 3 he shows up and spends the next 2 nights at my house. I asked if he had a girlfriend before sleeping with him and he denied it. The thing is, I knew he was lying, I knew who he was seeing. He had spent the night with her 4 times since meeting her 2.5 weeks ago.
We want out Friday night, I got drunk and finally let it all go. I said some horrible things to him and fb messaged her and told her about both of us. He came to my house the next AM and asked why I did it and I said I felt it was fair she knew since he was being deceitful. A few hours later I packed up all of his things and took them to his house, rang the door bell and left. He answered the door and asked me to come in. I did and he told me it was over between them, he felt bad I ruined it for him cuz he loved her but he also loved me. I apologized cuz thats not the kind of person I wanna be. He said he doesnt know if he can ever look at me again. I left. I am blocked on phone, whats ap, Facebook, snapchat. I am not blocked on instagram but I dont know if thats just cuz he forgot.
I am indefinitely going NC and I am not sure what I want, he broke alot of trust but we have been together 6 years. What are your thoughts on this?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 11, 2020 at 12:59 am
Hey Lynn so I suggest if you want to get this person back then it going to take some time and patience on your part. Maybe read about the Ungettable girl information and work that into your lifestyle so that you end up becoming the absolute best version of yourself. And when your ex unblocks you (which usually does happen after 3-6 months) he will then look at you and wonder if he made the right choice walking away. When that happens it is up to you to show that you are not the same person he left, you know your worth and you will not just drop everything to reply to him either, you go slow and you follow this program
Mary
January 5, 2020 at 7:00 am
We were seeing eachother and we had a verbal argument over the chat.
He blocked me on both the chats we were using:WhatsApp and telegram. So yes he did go out of his way to block me …but I think is really exagerated…as I was adding some positivity in his life. Until the night before we were chatting fine and laughing etc..
KK
January 5, 2020 at 6:24 am
I caught my boyfriend of 2 months in a white lie. Imo a lie is a lie no matter how small. I went crazy. I started questioning everything he’s ever said to me. He kept apologizing and apologizing. Saying he wanted to fight for us and that he loved me. I let my anger get the best of me. I said the words “We are done.” I felt terrible and immediately took those words back. You and I both know that you can’t take words back. I apologized and apologized. I also said I wanted to work it out. Silence. Next day I apologized again in a long message. He blocked my number. 3 days later, he broke up with me via text that sounded like his mom texting instead of him and wished me the best. He blocked me back but this time total blockout. I couldn’t say anything due to his block. I am devastated. So 3 days after that I sent his hat back with a mutual friend along with a letter which was probably a no no but I felt like I should have let him know I was trying to work it out. I said I missed him and wanted him back but I wished him the best and maybe down the road we can try again. I know now I shouldn’t sent the letter probably. He may not have read it but it was for my closure but I miss him dearly. I don’t know what to do. It was our first fight and he just shut down and didn’t communicate. I blame myself. Your help is greatly appreciated. I feel like crap for saying those words but it’s too late to take back. You think he’ll ever come back? Thank you!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 8, 2020 at 4:44 pm
Hey KK so there is no way to tell you that he definitely will or wont come back, but you can start following the program and attempt to reach out to him, if you are in a total block then all you can do is work on becoming ungettable until you are able to see or speak to your ex again
Keisha
January 3, 2020 at 5:36 am
Hi, I have an ex or guy I’ve been talking to for a year heavy. Met his parents and all. Around May we got into an huge argument soon as I left from visiting him and meeting his parents and we wanted a break. During the break we were still conversing daily. Then around July he decided to end the break fully and not get back “together” but we were still talking and texting. Flirting and everything. He left for bootcamp and while he was away his texting was scarce. But we still communicated and flirted a bit. When he officially graduates from camp he proceeds to tell me he’s talking to someone and it is serious. That he didn’t want to hurt me. I also found out a little before he told me he was talking to the individual. Then he proceeds to tell me that he told me to move on after the second break up but continued to talk to me and flirt so I thought that something was still there and that we may get back “together”. In the end I wished him luck on his new relationship but I also went off in a way of maturity. I didn’t curse, nor call him out of his name. Just immature for talking to me while still talking to her. Anyways after him responding to my long message that he agrees. He’ll work on it and thanks. 10 days later after me not texting back he blocks me from all social media’s. But I’m still able to text him. My messages are delivering but he’s not responding. Though of course he’s with someone else at the moment. He always stated that he would never block people. Even to the point that he still keeps all the females he’s talked to in the past on his social media’s. So why block me? And why after 10days? I didn’t speak harsh on him nor go off on social media. Just posted regular stuff on the daily. And of course I miss him and would love for us to get in contact again I just want a hint on why me? And why after 10days? And why only social media and not text messages? And is it crazy to still want him back even though I know he’s with someone else now and that our relationship wasn’t always perfect?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 3, 2020 at 6:12 am
Hey Keisha, so I cant really tell you why hes blocked you now, I can tell you though that if you are living your life and social media is portraying you as a happy person he may have struggled with the idea of that you are happy with out him. Or the other woman he is with has asked him to block you as they see you as a threat to their relationship. If you want this person back then you need to spend a little bit of time in No contact so that hte new relationship has time to pass the honeymoon phase, gives you time to work on yourself some more and also read about the being there method. Which I think you are doing with out even putting in the real work yet if they have blocked you from the start
Kathy
January 2, 2020 at 6:25 pm
I noticed my ex has unblocked me on Instagram. He blocked me when he ended things with me.
It’s been 3 months since we’ve spoken. We had a big row so I decided to block him on WhatsApp as I felt really hurt by his actions one night. I decided to unblock him on WhatsApp due to noticing he had unblocked me on Instagram. Shale I wait to see if he reaches out? Or shale I reach out? What do you think is wise?
I’m not planning on getting back with him just want to be civil and perhaps talk. I think we do care for eachother still. I don’t want to get my hopes up.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 3, 2020 at 1:27 am
Hi Kathy, so I would make sure you have spent at least 30 days in No Contact before you reach out and when you do make sure it is a text like what Chris suggests, one which is going to hook his interests and make him want to talk to you