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The Complete Guide For Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back
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The Ungettable Girl
The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)
The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule
The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule
What Your Ex Boyfriend Says Vs. What He Really Means
Here’s Exactly What He’s Thinking During The No Contact Rule
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Signs My Ex Wants Me Back
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Ariel
May 6, 2015 at 5:17 pm
Hi Chris, my case is a bit weird…my ex broke up with me and he was the one who initiated the NC rule and I was the one who said “hey let’s stay friends”, and I remember at the end of the breakup he said “see you soon” cuz we’ve decided to meet each other at a restaurant after all the feelings and emotions for each other are completely gone…but I do want to get him back now. The whole situation is a bit messed up. Did I just friend-zoned myself?
Laura
May 5, 2015 at 9:53 pm
Chris,
My boyfriend (34) and I (27) met online a little over a year ago. He hadn’t really dated much but I had. After a couple of months of casual dating we committed to each other. We got close really fast. I met all his friends and his family, we went on weekend trips, I stayed at his house. We r both alive to argue by nature so we love hard and fight hard. After several months of basically living together we kept getting into these fights
About his friends/activities. It always ended with us promising to be better. We continued to get closer while having regular fights and attempts to break up with each other. I moved in and two months after we had a huge fight that resulted in him breaking up with me. He has friends in from out of town and I got frustrated and said I wanted to break up. All of this happened when his friend was staying with us. We had a long talk were we both cried and were so upset. We basically came to the realization that I am an introvert and he is extroverted and we weren’t honoring that about each other. He said he allowed me to do what I wanted when I got upset instead of telling me how much he didn’t like it. We get along great when just is but have a hard time with out different social styles. After the embarrassing blow up and this realization we had to break up. I stayed for a week before moving out. We were very civil and he was super kind. He says he loves me and wants the best for me but he just doesn’t know if we can be together. We first have to work on ourselves before we make each other happy. Him and his brother moved my things into an apartment. A weekend went by and then he texted there were a few things I left and he was bringing them over. He got there and asked if I wanted to get dinner. I was bubbly and fun making jokes while we ate. He left and we didn’t talk for another week. Sunday he texts how my day went and news about a friend of ours. I responded back a little and then he tells me he got me something and there is still more stuff I left. He wants to bring it over and have dinner this week. I agreed but am worried I am becoming a security blanket. I was going to do the 30 day NC but I think ignoring these amicable situations would make him stop trying.
Michelle
May 5, 2015 at 2:13 pm
Hi Chris,
I desperately need your advice/expertise. My ex and broke up mid-January. Our backstory is basically that he has chased after me for several years. I maintained that we were just friends, and turned him down for over a year when asking me out. When he finally started dating someone else, I realized I had feelings for him – that way. I patiently waited for them to break up, and they did a few weeks later. After that, we started hanging out, and within a few weeks we started dating, and were together for over a year and a half.
When we broke up, he simply said he is “immature, doesn’t want the responsibility, and that he has only been with me, so he doesn’t know anything else.” He’s going to college in the fall, and wants to have “the college experience” but maintains he wants to be friends, since we’ve been best friends for over 4 years. We’ve hung out a few times, and yes hooked up a few times, but I stopped things because I felt like I was de-valuing myself and what we had. He gives me so many mixed signals. Tells me he still has feelings for me, but that we’re “never getting back together.” That we are “more than friends” but he wants to talk to other girls. That between me and him its more than just sexual, that we have an emotional bond and still does have feelings for me, but doesn’t want responsibility or to date anyone. That he can be more himself around me than anyone else, and wants to try hanging out a few times a week as “friends.”
In the beginning when we first broke up, we both took it hard. I have tried taking space, keeping my distance, and of course when I do that he chases me. I need your help. I feel like there are so many different factors that come into play, and all I want is the man I love back. Do I even stand a chance?
Help! Please and Thanks 🙂
martha
May 3, 2015 at 12:20 pm
hi
I’m just wondering what I should do after the no contact rule when I see him in public. Should I be enthousiast or act like I don’t care?
Also, what if our conversation ended? He was very enthousiast when I finally texted him after the no contact. He actually said: hey you’re responding 🙂 But he didn’t act flirty, he talked to me like I’m one of his mates. Our conversation came to an end, and now I’m wondering, should I start a new conversation or wait until he texts me?
Daisy
April 30, 2015 at 2:38 pm
Hi Chris,
Really need your help. Went NC for 4 months then bumped into him which re-opened contact from his side. Most texts have been initiated from him. However, he will text then disappear for hours then carry on like normal. No goodnight like he used to or g2g. We met once for a catch up it was ok but still awkward energy. how do i attract him back? i bump into him frequently and keep convo’s short. I don’t know how to build attraction if there is resistance. 🙁 please help me
Maggie
April 24, 2015 at 9:44 pm
Hi Chris. So I tried no contact for a week and he was going crazy because I was ignoring him…. I recently went to a music festival and he even drove out there to see me because he said he wanted to see me and he even wanted to take me out on a date. His actions don’t match his words. He makes efforts to see me when he wants to. it’s been a week since then and he recently asked me if he thinks we would make a good couple ? I said yes . and he proceeded to tell me that He doesn’t feel 100% about it. my heart was completely broken. because I don’t know which direction to go. I tried the 30 days no contact. I’ve done tons of mini no contacts with him … and he keeps changing his mind about me. when I do the no contacts he wants me more. when we get too close he pushes me away and says he doesn’t want a relationship or doesn’t feel 100% about us. I am honestly stuck. I don’t want to give up on him. I’ve gone on dates (not that he knows about) but I’ve tried to move on without moving on and I feel like it’s been too long . it’s been 6 months. Please help 🙁
This was my former Comment:
Chris Seiter
April 27, 2015 at 9:54 pm
You have been trying to get him back for 6 months?
Is that what you are saying?
Maggie
April 24, 2015 at 9:45 pm
THIS WAS my former comment : Hi chris,
I am such a big fan of the podcasts and the site. I’ve been reading the site for months now. Here’s my situation. I feel like I’m currently in the friend zone with a guy i’ve dated for over a year. I did no contact for 30 days (month of Novem 2014) and he contacted me about a month after. We have been in contact since (for about four months). I have only seen him twice during this time… the first time, he asked me to hang out and the second time I did. I feel like at first he was chasing me and wanted to date me again, but now I feel like he doesn’t care and he isn’t trying at all to get me back. I have been too scared to emotionally mention anything between us because I’m afraid it will push him away. But since I haven’t mentioned anything I feel like its pushing him away already. I never text him first because I want him to talk to me when he wants to. He texts me i’d say 2-3 times a week currently, whereas before it was almost everyday right after no contact. I don’t know how to bring up that I want to be with him because I have a feeling he’s happy the way things are now. I haven’t had sex with him because he hasn’t committed to me. Last time I saw him, he wanted to and I said no because we are friends. I think that probably made him more angry, but I did it so that way my value could be raised. I just don’t know which direction to go. I read your article on mixed signals, and I feel that’s what he is doing to me. But lately, I feel like he isn’t trying to be anything more than friends with me. I feel like giving up and trying No contact again but I’m not sure what to do. What do you think?
Mary
April 19, 2015 at 6:38 pm
Okay , Chris … I have a big big problem . He broke up with me 1 month ago , after pleading and begging I decided to went into nc and it worked , he texted me several times . The thing is , after nc , and before I could say something to him he texted me saying he really wants to remain friends and I…accepted , as I didn’t know what to do . He claims he doesn’t love me anymore … What now ? How can I get out of friend-zone ? I dont think nc again will work … Please give me an advice
Irma
April 11, 2015 at 11:19 pm
Hi
I have a question about what to do after the no contact. What If you ex is pissed because you haven’t answered his texts and he asks why… What should I say?
Brit
April 2, 2015 at 5:04 am
HELP!! OK My ex and I have been talking since the breakup. Off and on since August. My ex started dating someone two weeks after the breakup. I did no contact twice in this period. I seem to always get clingy and it didn’t help that when I bumped in to him on a bad day I started bawling. Should I reset and start no contact? I have never made him live without me or miss me to much because i always respond. I think I am to available and he is getting the best of two worlds. Any helpful tips?
Lea
March 30, 2015 at 10:01 pm
Hello,
my bf broke up with me a week ago because he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and also he lost his feelings for me as a result of all the fights we had. He wanted to be friends and i said oke. For the last week we have been texting eachother occasionally, but always very friendly with a lot of smilies. A lot of people say i just have to accept the fact that he lost his feelings for me, but i find that hard to believe because barely a week before we broke up, he was texting me i’ll always love you, and we’re so good together. I don’t know if i should still do the no contact rule because he’s still very sweet to me and we have a great band.
Please help me because i really love him…
admin
March 31, 2015 at 10:24 pm
Did you read my mixed signals page?
Lea
April 1, 2015 at 2:54 pm
I have now…but I still don’t what what I should do. Should I do the no-contact step?
Lea
April 1, 2015 at 10:20 pm
Also, this friday there is a party to which my ex will be going, but there will also be some other guys who always flirt with me. Should i go so that my ex sees them flirting with me? Or should i do the no contact?
sorry for all the questions…
Lea
March 30, 2015 at 10:08 pm
Also we’ve had sex only 3 days before the break up and he was the one who took the initiative, but he’s not the kind of guy that would take advantage of my love for him just for loveless sex. That same day he was also behaving very much in love, telling me how beautiful i looked and looking at me with love in his eyes. Later I asked him why he did that if he wasn’t in love with me anymore and he said he could’nt explain that…
Dani Tan
March 30, 2015 at 12:50 am
I’m gay, I met this guy who I had a relationship for a month. I noticed he does not always tell the truth about anything. But he shows he cares about me, but after 4 weeks he became a bit cold but still tries to tell me he has the same feelings. Then there was informal breakup and I was friendzoned. I didn’t show up for 3 days and when we met again he said it was just a joke to make me mad and he’s still into that relationship. But before that day end he was firm again that he just wants me to be his friend, and let go of our plans. Now, should I get any chances on the NC rule, or what? Am I just being paranoid. Please help.
admin
March 31, 2015 at 10:07 pm
Welcome to the website.
I think you should try NC and a lot of the advice here is applicable to your situation.
Jordan
March 27, 2015 at 6:29 pm
Hi Chris,
I am a little heartbroken. I dated my ex on and off for 3 years. We met and felt an instant connection, and found out later that our grandmothers were best friends! The first half was sketchy, although there were great times, and he wasn’t committing so I left. He was hurt terribly in a previous relationship, and had personal issues. He admitted it up front. I did the NC rule, and it worked a little, but when I finally left and started dating someone he came back to me and said after 8 years of being single he wanted to try with me.
So we did, and there were some rough spots because of his issues, but each time we grew, and he truly would do anything for me. Except say “I love you”. Or want to really let me in. He seemed so scared. But he did things for me constantly (fixing things, buying me little presents, etc.)
We were best friends. In the past few years his father had died, and while we were dating his brother died. Then last year his mom died, and his drug addict son showed up on his doorstep with nowhere to go.
So he retreated. I wanted to understand, but at this point he shut me out, and since I had never really felt secure, after 6 weeks of us not really seeing each other (except when he would come over to fix things for me) I asked if he needed to break up. He didn’t answer as usual … he is so afraid to talk … so I took that as a yes.
I would flip flop between acting mature and acting crazy. I explained I just needed to know I was wanted and I would be there for him. After his usual vague responses, I accused him of not caring, whined.
This went on for months. I would try NC and he would often reach out. Saying he missed me.
Then finally New Year’s Eve – the long email came where he explained his problems and said he loved me, always had and wished he would have said it.
Then a text New Year’s Day – I love you.
It had been 5 months since our break up and I went on a few dates with a guy. So I immediately stopped because I didn’t want to use him.
My special guy said he wanted to get together for my birthday – and guess what he did – he threw me a surprise party!!
He would say things like “when I fix myself”…
We both miss each other terribly – that part is true.
But guess what else? After an argument because of his lack of reaching out, he reassured me I twist everything because he just wanted to be friends.
I packed up all of his stuff and left is on his doorstep. I was done. Sad.
Then a week and a half later he showed up at my doorstep, hugging me for over a minute, and he said I missed you.
But guess what again?
I told him a few days later he probably shouldn’t call, and our discussion proved he still just wanted to be friends. That he knew he messed up a lot, that he knew he couldn’t make me happy, and that he had to deal with his problem (son). That is would love to be friends because I was his best friend.
I emailed him nicely to let me go.
I don’t understand why he would do these things…
admin
March 29, 2015 at 2:36 pm
What give you mixed signals?
Jordan
March 29, 2015 at 2:56 pm
He kept coming back with presents and texted he loved me, and asked me to go out on my birthday, throwing me a surprise party. So I am twisting things then? I thought he wanted to work back toward a relationship and we even talked about it before my birthday – I said spending it together didn’t have to mean we were full on dating again but that it did have to mean SOMETHING because I had feelings and he said ok. I am really confused.
Jordan
March 29, 2015 at 4:06 pm
So let it go?
Jordan
March 30, 2015 at 2:10 am
Chris my story was the epitome of mixed signals and your answered explained nothing for me. I bought your program but you obviously have no true help for me. I’m done on this site and your products. I wanted help – not a confusing question from you.
admin
March 31, 2015 at 10:12 pm
Hi Jordan,
I am really sorry you feel this way.
I am a little spread thin so it’s hard to get to everyone. I really do apologize.
Jordan
March 27, 2015 at 6:32 pm
And I must say that although he says he just wants to be friends, I am confused if he has feelings for me, and he said obviously he does because he wouldn’t keep coming back for this punishment from me for 8 months (when we argue and I constantly push him away). But that he can’t see himself in a relationship right now. “hopefully” in the future he can. UGH!!!
Boo
March 23, 2015 at 4:51 pm
Hi, I asked for your advice 3 months ago on another topic that I can’t find now. Anyhow, I’ve been dating a guy for 2 months and he broke up with me saying that he did not fall in love with me. There wasn’t another person involved at the time, of that I am sure. I found your website and started NC but he contacted me on the first day. I answered politely, but that was it. We’ve met few times at clubs and talked but nothing more. He wanted to stay in contact. After some time we started going out together and finally he asked me to spend the new years eve with him watching movies. I was so happy. We’ve spent 3 days together and it was really great. I know I shouldn’t have done that. Few days later he told me that nothing has changed concerning his feelings for me but I insisted that we keep this as it is. So we spent another 2 months watching movies, having sex and so on… But no relationship talk. We talked a lot and he said that he often looks cold on the outside and this behavior has ruined his previous relationships and he gave a word to himself that he will never do that again to anyone. He also told me that he cares about me very much but he doesn’t really understands what’s going on between us because there was no initial fire, no butterflies. I thought that we could develop something from the friendship, but in the end I was wrong. I’ve noticed that his ex contacted him on facebook and I think that this triggered another talk where he told me again everything like the first time. I asked him if there is someone else (we had this kind of honest relationship and he could easily tell the truth) but he said no. He wants to stay friends and I really like him as a person and as a friend. But I also want something more and now I ask you if there is something I could do? I still enjoy talking to him, but it hurts me so much to know that it’s not leading anywhere. He knows that I care but I suppose he doesn’t know how much. Is this really a dead end or I could turn things in my favour somehow? A friend told me that I should tell him how I feel and that I can’t be friends with him, but losing him completely hurts even more. Stalking their Facebook profiles and creating stories in my head is driving me crazy. I miss him so much and I cant just ignore when he contacts me, but it hurts so much.
admin
March 24, 2015 at 9:05 pm
I would actually recommend listening to this episode of the EBR podcast,
https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/episode24/
It covers dealing with social media.
Boo
March 25, 2015 at 4:46 pm
Thank you. While I was listening to this I realized something. Every time when I share a link or a photo that could easily mean that I’m moving on or that I’m angry at him or something…he likes it. It happened few times. Now, I think that he is just afraid to lose my friendship and this is it, but I still have hopes. I’m aware that I’ll have to use some tactics now if I want to get out of the friendzone, but it’s really hard not to be there for someone you care about when he needs you just because this means that he will always look at you as a friend. We still chat every day, we even met last night for a drink, strictly as friends. Do you recommend that I move on or to try to get out of the friendzone? I know he cares about me a lot, but I want him to be in love with me too. 😀
admin
March 31, 2015 at 8:00 pm
I completely understand.
Sometiems the best way to get out of the friend zone is to actually move on….
Weird, huh?
Boo
April 1, 2015 at 8:46 pm
Yes. I’m moving on without expectations. My life needs many changes now because I feel partially ruined by this relationship. After some time I’ll see if I’ll want that person back after all. I started to ignore his chats in past few days (and the more I did it, the more he seemed to want to talk to me)and it started to annoy me because it seems so selfish of him. Right now moving on is the only option and who knows what will happen. Thank you for your advices and listening. And thank you for this website, I’ve learned a lot here.
Meg
March 19, 2015 at 10:10 pm
I have a situation and could use some advice.
This guy and I had a fling a few years ago but he broke it off because we work together and was nervous if things got more serious.
We both went on to date other people and during those 8 months we barely spoke. When we were both single again we reconnected and became really close friends. Would actually say he’s become my best friend, and he’s said the same about me. Thing is I found myself still having feelings for him.
The last few times we’ve hung out, he’s mentioned wanting to spend the night but wouldn’t act on it. I was left very confused because we get along great and obviously are both attracted to each other.
He now tells me he feels there’s too much pressure and doesn’t want to risk our friendship because he values it, but that he wants to start dating again, just not me.
I feel we’re really connected and could have something if we just gave it a chance, but now am at a loss if I’m just friend zoned and it’ll never happen.
admin
March 22, 2015 at 3:57 pm
You should listen to some of my podcasts about the friend zone and how to navigate it.
I think you would get a lot out of it.
Meg
March 20, 2015 at 9:47 pm
I should also add that he’s told me he’s not looking for anything serious and has some significant trust issues.
I feel that he feels it would be easier to date someone else because they don’t know all his insecurities, so he can avoid dealing with them by personifying an image of who he wants to be, and then also make the girl out to be a fantasy without it getting too deep.
But it’s just frustrating because he’s come so far with opening up to me, that I feel there’s strong potential but he’s just avoiding out of fear.
And because of his trust issues I’m nervous about the “no contact” because I don’t want him thinking I would just abandon him, but I’m nervous if I’m always there, he’ll take me forgranted and not truly appreciate the connection we have.
Thanks again for your guidance Chris.
Mimi
March 16, 2015 at 11:46 am
Hi Chris, could you please advise? I have had a 1,5 years long distance relationship, he broke up because of the long distance but we remained in touch for 4 months after the breakup. When I brought a visit to his place after 4 months of contact he liked to meet so we met 3 times, the second meeting he said he wants us to get back together, we agreed we will talk about it the next time as we had to speak about how and what. The third time we met he was being distant and we didn’t really speak about the how and what. From then it felt like he was avoiding me for 3 weeks, then he liked to meet for the fourth time and that’s where he told me “actually I don’t know what I want I just see you like a friend now”. He totally broke my heart and felt sorry for me. He kept on calling me afterwards and asking how I’m doing, we are 2 months further. Sometimes he calls me every day for a week long and sometimes we remain silent for 2-3 days. I do not call or text him till he does. We met twice since the final break up, the first was after 1 months since he broke up and he was feeling very attracted and he didn’t feel like ending the meeting and going home. The second time we met was also one month after and that is when I told him I don’t want to be your friend. He asked me if I was sure about that and I said yes because every time I talk to you it hurts. He said let’s talk about it next time we meet (1 wk) before you travel back to your city. I left but he sent me a text message the next day asking how I’m doing, I didn’t respond. A couple hours later he gave me a call, again I did not respond. Then he texted me right after asking me if I don’t want to talk to him anymore, if talking to him hurts me and I want my space then I should let him know because he does not want to hurt me anymore. I haven’t responded. What would you advise? Shall I apply the no contact rule from now on or after meeting with him this week and explaining why we can’t be friends? He seemed confused when I told him I don’t want to be friends because he asked me to think about it again before I break up the contact.
Thanks Chris!
admin
March 18, 2015 at 7:15 pm
I wouldn’t meet up with him at all. I’d just go right into NC.
Mimi
March 16, 2015 at 2:21 pm
Excuse me, we met 3 times after he broke up. The second time we met with other friends in the same time and it felt like he wanted some time to be with me alone as he was trying to tell our mutual friend that he does not need to join us to travel back home. My ex was trying too much so it was very clear for me. But our mutual friend insisted so we did not have the chance to spend some time alone.
He is trying to revive some memories whenever we talk. This is just confusing because he tells me he likes me as a friend. Maybe afraid of commitment and can’t tell? I’ve tried to talk to him about if there are other reasons but he keeps saying that he does not feel the same way like when we were in a relationship and he sees me as a friend.
Kate
March 13, 2015 at 10:26 pm
Hey Chris, Does the NC rule work with getting friends “back” too?
admin
March 15, 2015 at 4:22 pm
I have not seen it used that way too much to be often. Though I suppose it could be effective.
Jessica
February 22, 2015 at 5:58 pm
Hi Chris,
I’m sorry but I’m not sure if this would have fit over the voice message, so hopefully this will catch your eye!
My ex-boyfriend and I dated for 10.5 months before he dumped me on Valentine’s day after a massive argument that was a result of not being able to see eye to eye during long distance. It left me devastated because prior to when he moved to another university, we were doing completely fine.
A little bit of a background info: I was good friends before we actually got together. His family lives down the street from me and I suppose that’s how we got so close – having mutual friends and interests and being able to talk a lot one on one while carpooling together and the like. I developed romantic feelings for him, but originally didn’t think it would work out because his past relationship left him with some major issues and mental scarring that made him want to avoid being in another one until he was ready, which basically would be after his undergrad or longer because it also set him back in school quite a bit.
But eventually I picked up on that he had feelings for me too and confronted about it, and though he was still unsure if being in a relationship was the right thing to do at the time, he agreed to give it a shot. The transition was hard with the mindset he still adopts towards relationships because he thinks they shouldn’t be even close to a top priority and as such, didn’t give it much attention until we got more used to each other’s company. Eventually we settled in and everything was good and although there were the occasional squabbles and tough times, we always got through them.
In the middle of our relationship he finished junior college and chose to attend a university on the opposite end of the state, which posed a new challenge for us. I especially found keeping in contact difficult, because he’s not the type to reach out to anyone unless there’s a specific reason to. Hence, he’s not good at like texting or messaging each other and also isn’t very keen on Skype calling or webcam. It got a bit better and we again settled into a groove where we’d at least message each other idly throughout the day each day and maybe Skype calling once on the weekends to watch our shows together, which was good enough for me.
However in the bast month, It’d been increasingly hard to actually get his attention when I’d appreciate it, mostly because he’s too engrossed in online gaming with our other good friends. And while I realize that it’s a totally normal thing for him to do because after all, I share the hobby and they’re my friends too, it’s like the attention he gave me now wan’t his full attention when I find that a very important thing to do when you’re speaking to someone. It was just like he was always distracted when we talked. And even when I asked him to specifically set aside time so we can talk, sometimes I have to wait for hours and hours on end because he’ll just keep playing his games and it’s become increasingly frustrating to deal with. So in an attempt to remedy this, I tried bringing it up to see if we could somehow meet halfway and the issue wouldn’t be recurring. Needless to say, it didn’t go over very well.
Basically, he thought that there was absolutely nothing wrong with what he’s doing and he’s unwilling to change or form a specific schedule when it comes to communicating with me. When I brought up that communication during LDR is how I get a semblance of caring when he’s away, he told me that it’s not his job to make me feel cared for and that I shouldn’t expect more because I’m not a priority right now. However, when I tried dropping the subject because it was only making us both more frustrated, he said he didn’t want to push the issue under the rug as it would only create more problems down the road. Agreeing with this, we’ve discussed the problem many times over the past month but it only went nowhere and strained our relationship even further.
Granted, now I realize he had perfect reason to be upset with me. One of our last exchanges prior to the rough patch happening was one concerning my self-esteem issues when they came to the forefront on a bad day. I’d like him to be the person to listen and be able to support me through rough times, but the way he is I’ve realized that he’s just never going to be that guy. He finds listening to those kinds of problems tiresome and exhausting to deal with. In turn, he attributed my qualms about communication to my low self esteem and is saying that I should change my mindset and improve that first because he’s tired of dealing with all the problems I “make” that are perfectly normal and commonplace to him. I will agree that I need to work on said self-esteem issues and have said that I would and I took some steps on trying to improve this not only for the sake of the relationship, but for the sake of myself and the relationships I had with our mutual friends that were becoming strained because of our dating life as well.
I began to attend counseling. The decision was difficult for me, and it was just as difficult to deal with the self-realization it brought me. It gave me new perspective on some of the things I was doing that I wanted to apply to our relationship. But again when I tried bringing these things up so we could talk about it and maybe meet in the middle, he just seemed so tired and fet up and just didn’t want to. I held out for Valentine’s day however, because he had promised to come back home for the long weekend and was still going through with that at least.
However, when he actually came home, I realized his attitude towards me had changed. Before, when he came back home after being at school for a month or so, he would be very affectionate with me to show how much he missed me, etc. This time, that wasn’t the case. His interactions with me were very lukewarm, which only led me to worry and stress more which affected the interactions we had when he was here. He was disinterested in having conversations with me, wasn’t interested in even the smallest intimate actions such as holding hands, and when meeting with out friends it was like he was paying attention to everyone but me. I know this was a direct result of all the strain that had been piling up with our long distance, and it was eating away at me inside but he just never gave me time to express it. So I chose the day he promised to devote to me – Valentine’s Day – to try bringing it up again.
And it was actually a good day. Despite acting a little reluctant still, we were able to enjoy ourselves. Until of course, I tried talking about the issues we’d been having. Again, he conversation got strained, and he’d admitted that because of how things had been lately, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue the relationship. Hearing this I immediately tried to bargain. I began to cry. I wasn’t in clear mind and rambled the same things over and over to no avail because of the mental block that had built up in his head with the past month’s stress. I told him that I really wanted to try fixing things because I did have new found resolve, and making it clear to him only painted a clearer picture of my goals but he said he’d given me enough chances and wasn’t sure if things would change later, that he didn’t have enough patience for it anymore which I thought was rather unfair because he said he’d given me chances but not to their full extent, simply because I wanted to explain all of this first, all of what was on my mind to make him understand and not being able to prior had also put the strain on me. It was like a punch in the gut, thinking that all of the struggles I’d had to deal with that led me in my decision to seek professional help for us basically amounted to nothing.
We fought for hours. I cried a lot. And eventually he decided he said that although he still had feelings for me, they were buried far under exhaustion and that he didn’t want to be in the relationship for the sake of his own happiness and left. I had to see him the next day because I’d promised to go to a group dinner for his last day back before he left to university again. I took the afternoon to clear my head. I also asked for the perspective of one of our mutual friends, who deemed the matter as “stupid and completely fixable” had we approached it the right way. He basically explained to me that the “issues” we’d been having with long distance and in general were basically my expectations of what my ex should have been doing compared to how he normally is as a person: stoic, not overly communicative, values his own interests and hobbies when they’re some of the only things he has to partake in when he’s on his own. In that sense we both had problems as individuals with how we viewed relationships. But even so, I shouldn’t have let those things distract me from the fact that he did care and that when he felt like it, he would actually contact me and it would be pleasant as opposed to the times I tried to force it just because I wanted it which ended up fruitless. Although I tried to do a lot of bending to avoid breaking, I should have just tried to understand him as a person because he as a person is who I fell for.
I chose to explain this to him as he drove me home for the last time. He seemed to take it to heart, but eventually said that had I said those things the night prior when he broke up with me, it might have been vastly different, but he believed that we should just take all of it as a lesson for our future relationships.
Which of course, only devastated me even further. It was like the thing I wanted to hard to work, that I wanted to improve myself for, was gone just like that and I didn’t even get a chance to prove myself.
He stated that he still wanted to be my friend, but I told him it was too difficult when we didn’t want the same thing. So we treated our last interaction like a bittersweet goodbye. I blocked or deleted him on my social media afterwards, so in that sense I’ve been keeping the no contact going for a week. However, it’s been difficult for me not to overhear things he told our mutual friends, because he chose to explain to them one by one why I was suddenly going to be MIA whenever he was around. Apparently he stated nothing bad about me, only what he was dissatisfied in with the relationship which alluded to my self-esteem issues and the way I’d handled problems. After a few days he told them that he didn’t have romantic feelings for me, but he still really wanted to be my friend though I seemed unwilling to do so.
And here I am. I want him back so I can prove that I was able to change myself for the better, so that we can regain the happiness we had amplified tenfold with a new mindset concerning how I’m supposed to treat a relationship. He’s a tough nut to crack however, not outwardly acknowledging his own faults concerning his relationship views. He’s very set on something when he puts his mind to it, and stated that it would be very hard for him to be willing to retry. I don’t know if I’m being hopelessly optimistic by even wanting a second chance, but I really hope you can help me with this. The next time he’s due in town will be a month from now, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to see him face to face that early. The next time after that will be summer after our university terms our over and I’ve graduated from my own university. I apologize for being so wordy, but is there anything I can do to get him to fall for me again after such a bad impression I left towards the end, and any chance that I can get him back?
– Jessica
admin
February 23, 2015 at 9:15 pm
I think you have a shot.
By any chance have you listened to any of the podcasts yet?
Jessica
February 23, 2015 at 9:30 pm
I have listened to the podcasts, especially #004 concerning long distance, but the situation is a bit different in #004 in that the woman’s boyfriend still has feelings for her while I’m sure my ex’s have dwindled away as he takes the time to recover. I also submitted my own message as I stated in a comment earlier if you’d like to answer in one of the future ones.
My main concerns are his stubbornness and how he’s not going to dwell. With that kind of mindset, it’s going to be difficult to get the timing right, isn’t it? Along with the fact that it would continue to be long distance until he finishes his undergrad as well and moves back home, so I don’t know if he would be so willing right away.
I plan to keep to the no contact, but I’m scared about what kind of repercussions it would bring so soon. I am willing to bide my time with this because I do believe that it was a rash decision to break up, but again, just not so sure if he would be so willing right away even if I were to remind him of all the good times we had and improve myself as a person.
I feel a little weak making that as my main motivation instead of feeling like I should make it a side goal while keeping my options open, but I do feel strongly for him still and despite the arguments I get from mutual friends saying that he didn’t want it to begin with, that my confrontation about him having feelings for me as well pushed him into it, it didn’t mean that the memories we had were fake and meaningless, which is why I want to make things right and get the chance to prove that I’m still the same girl he fell for along with some improvements after gaining some clarity along with the willingness to accept him for who he is, bad communication and all.
admin
February 24, 2015 at 8:18 pm
Gotcha, for the record I will be doing more podcasts on long distance.
How long has it been for the breakup for you?
Jessica
February 24, 2015 at 10:55 pm
I will be sure to look forward to those podcasts then. It’s been 10 days now since we broke up on Valentine’s day and it’s now the 24th. I haven’t seen or talked to my ex since. I was headstrong about maintaining no contact, but today I’ve felt a bit hopeless in the situation concerning our mutual friends. I wanted to reconcile with them first, but it appears as if they’re just sick and tired of dealing with me after all the stress I tried to unload on them about the relationship as it progressed. And while I’ve been trying to apologize to them with a clearer mind, it seems as though they’ve just taken to ignoring me completely and saying nasty things behind my back in my attempts to remain friends with them.
This makes me miss my ex more in a way because he was my closest friend in the group of friends, and he said he would always be there for me as a friend and if I needed to talk to someone when we broke up. I feel as though I lost so much more than just him now, and if those mutual friends had talked to him about how much they dislike me now, I’m very worried that it’s left him with an ugly impression of me that would be hard to change.
Please lend me a hand, Chris. Whether or not I get him back, I would rather he remember the good memories of me, not the bad ones everyone else experienced because he really did know me better than the others. I only hope that the times we spent together that were good will trump the negative impressions being piled upon him, but I don’t know if I can be that optimistic.
But if by some small shred of hope it was possible to remind him of those good times, to trump all the negatives and proving to him as well as everyone else that I’ve inproved myself, then that would be wonderful. I would like to be able to charm him again, as an improved version of the girl he fell for before I lost myself within the relationship.
admin
February 25, 2015 at 9:23 pm
Definitely check out the podcasts!
Jessica
February 23, 2015 at 8:23 pm
I ended up trying to record a summarized message anyway, though with not too much detail. Hopefully if you decide to answer on the podcast, you can refer back to this post for more information.
Dee
February 21, 2015 at 12:00 am
My situation is a little different. I dated this guy way back in high school so it’s been 8 years. We have been chatting lately and I pretty much confessed that I liked him (told him I wanted to kiss him) and he said friends don’t kiss and that it’s weird. He basically laughed it off. I want him to want me too. Can I make him see me as more than a friend?
admin
February 22, 2015 at 4:24 pm
So, it has been 8 years since the breakup?
Over in Virginia
February 20, 2015 at 5:07 am
Hello, I am going thru a really hard time getting over my ex of almost 9years of off and on again relationship, when we first met it was exciting and he treasured me, then with my depression it made me manic where I would leave him and then beg him back, now I am not going to lie and say this a few I stances, more like 10 plus times of leaving him and begging bac, but in the last 4ish years things were looking up, when we fought I wouldn’t run off. I would stay cause I do love him and didn’t want to hurt him anymore, now that being said I also have an ex husband with two kids, my running away from my ex boyfriend was of my guilt of ruining a family unit as my ex husband would say. Okay getting to the matter at hand, this last time was very different, the morning of the argument started off with hi. Saying how much he loves me and happy he is with me, then minutes later I responded with I love him too and need to visit my son in another state which my ex didn’t or should I say detest me doing the visit, now another thing is my ex hubby and I are close friends, we went thru a horrible break up divorce but at the end realized it’s not high school and to be adults..needless to say he is a great friend..nothing more, but my ex thinks differently as this ex hubby and him were co workers, my ex had co e to terms with me leaving to be with the ex..as you should know when I ran away from one I would go to the other..but never a sexual way with the ex hubby, always respectful and platonic. Okay back to that day of me telling my ex that I was making the visit..he responded with a harsh and mean text of if your going to go don’t ever come back..so later that night he wouldn’t tLk to me and comes Friday when I go to make visit he gives me an eviction letter stating I have month to get out of his house. I still made the visit to my son seeing it was his birthday.. I get back and had stayed on the couch for almost two years. During that time he was mean rude and always called me hateful names, stupid and ignorant was his favorite, he has also beaten me in the past, but just the one time when he found a text on which my ex hubby text me with the word bitty call..my ex got enraged and proceeded to choke me and slam me against the door, I left and thought I would never come back, I did,okay well during the past 2ish years I have found a place moved out on my own and am still chatting and doing dinners and breakfast, mind you we have 3dogs and my middle daughter who lived with us for those years he is very close and fond of as he is like a father figure to her. He says he never wants to be with me that he wants someone who isn’t going to cheat on him and be unfaithful..I have never cheated on him and been unfaithful in any way, when I went back and forth to the exes I never slept around. Too much more going on in my head to want any intimacy. Anyways as I now sit here crying over my ex, and wanting…longing to be with him and I have tried so hard to restrain myself from begging like I always have in the past. It’s been about 6months we have not been in the same house, okay… Well my real question is this…when he texted me about 4months ago telling me he didn’t want to hear my feelings and that I need to move on as he has done and continuing on doing, he has done everything to make me feel bad when we are around each other with his snide comments or his look of disgust for me, I wanted to know why? If he has threatened me that he was going to stop any communication with me if I don’t stop with the sad puppy eyes and he is not going to put up with it, then why does he still text me once in awhile or even come over for dinners and hangout with me or my daughter, I am still deep in love with him. I still pamper him and will do anything for him, how do I make hi see I am here and have always been there for him..is there any hope for us for me…sorry for such a long post. Just really confused sad and hurt..I feel empty and only a lobotomy would cure me of my thoughts for him.
Over in Virginia
February 20, 2015 at 5:19 am
Sorry if it wasn’t clear when I state my ex it’s the ex boyfriend, and of course the ex hubby. I am really needing direction on how to do this and go about getting my ex boyfriend back, I know he has told me he doesn’t want to be with me but when I invite him out he always comes. He is a great person in my eyes, it’s hard to move forward when all you want is that person..btw I usually intimate dinners lunches and breakfast and at times text, he actually hardly text me and I am feeling like he is truly over me and doesn’t care. But then again why want to be around me if you can’t stand me?
admin
February 20, 2015 at 11:52 pm
Can you maybe make this easier for me to digest by putting things in bullet points….
Over in Virginia
February 21, 2015 at 5:18 am
I am missing my ex more ech day
I wonder about him all the times
We see each other for dinners and lunches
He text me at times and or emails me when I haven’t contacted him
He has told me he is moving on and still working on it
He staes that he doesn’t want to hear about my feelings as he doesn’t want the drama
He always makes snide comments to me
He never respond to my text unless he feels like it
He always says things like I must be busy with all the men coming over since I am alone on my own
I am wanting to understand if he wants me back eventually or is this a loss cause
Eva
February 19, 2015 at 10:35 pm
I have a tricky case for you:
I met the guy 4 years ago. We established a close bond, fun, laughter, all that stuff. We live miles away and live very different lives, so we really never could get our act together romantically. But we flirted, talked lightly about a possible future etc. He became my best friend, but definately also more than that. We had like..the prospect of a relationship hanging over us, it just was never the right time, plus we were so very comfortable and maybe also a little cowardly.
4 Weeks ago i noticed some change in him. I know him inside and outside and quickly figured, well…he found a girl, and to my shame, i totally lost it. I cried and sobbed, and didnt even know why. I figured out after 3 days of misery (with a little help from friends and heaps of white wine), that this new girl there, totally changed our dynamics. My prospect was taken away from me. We have never been JUST best friend, but we didnt have a relationship neither. We talked every, single day. We know everything of each other…some said, we re like some old, happy married couple. It kinda woke me up to the fact, that he could be my “True love” (ugh^^), but we were both too busy and stupid to even try…And OF COURSE, now that she has him, i want him like a huge bowl of Ben and Jerry’s…
After those horrid 3 days i couldnt really take all of it, and told him, we both need time. I told him not to contact me, i wouldnt contact him either. I understand his actions, i dont want to pressure him etc..Which is true. I do understand him, i dont want to be the nagging chick fighting for his time.
Do you think the NC Rule is a good way to go here? As we werent really physically involded, will he miss his best friend with the “prospect”? Or will he just be happy with the new chick, happy that i leave him for now so he wont have to devide his time? I want to make him see that i might be chance too..a trickier one, not that easy, but a chance.
Thats one case for you Mister! 🙂 Greetings from Germany
admin
February 20, 2015 at 11:35 pm
Hi Eva,
Would you like to ask this question on the podcast?
Eva
February 21, 2015 at 5:19 pm
Oh, you really want to tackle that one?^^ Sure, i’d do it. How do i go about it? Is it that 90 Seconds recording thingy? I’ll have a hard time squeezing that nutcase into 90 seconds 😉
admin
February 22, 2015 at 5:08 pm
Hahaha do your best!
I would really love that.
Eva
February 27, 2015 at 4:36 pm
Recorded it and sent it! I hope you can tackle it quickly, i’m in desperate need of some advice 🙂