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The Complete Guide For Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back
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The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)
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Post categories
Emer
October 4, 2014 at 8:18 am
So, my ex and I are back to being “friends” after break up in June and after the 30 days NC. But he is sending me mixed signals likening tomorrow. He acts like we are still dating, minus the kissing and sex. Just as protective and caring, if not more sometimes. People often ask if we are together. His reply would be “no we are just friends” or “we are just really good friends”. But resently he hasn’t done that.
We were hanging out with friends and I was slightly depressed after learning my dad may have cancer. He acting “boyfriendy” as my friends call it, and some asked if we were dating. He said “no, we’re actually exs.”. Later that evening, he texted me after he arrived at the dorm of the girl he’s sleeping with, something that he usually only does when I ask (and he did without me asking) this stuck me as odd. A friend replied to the text as I was calming down from a panic attack after a talk from my dad. She told him (no idea why) and his reply was he hoped I would be ok soon. My friend told him she was looking after me. My ex said good and that even though we weren’t dating anymore he still cares about me because I am his friend an I Am a good person.
I have no idea if he wants to be friends or more again. Can you give any insight?(
admin
October 6, 2014 at 11:52 am
You gave him way too much power. The problem in my opinion is that he knows he can have you.
Emer
October 7, 2014 at 5:10 am
Is there a way to reel back on that power? I have been going on dates with a guy on and off for about three months if that helps any. (I do like him, just there isn’t much of a spark, but not for lack of wooing on his part).
heather
October 3, 2014 at 5:11 pm
we dated for a couple of months, everything was really great. then his entire life blew up (work stuff, family stuff, all really legitimate and complicated), and he started shutting down. he says he just doesn’t have the emotional energy for something serious right now and cares too much to lead me on, but doesn’t want to lose me (hence wants to be friends) and revisit once everything has calmed down. obviously, doing no contact, for my own sanity, and not sure where it will all end.
but here’s my question: trying to not feel really misled by him (because it was really, really great and intense). which leaves me wondering what to make of his explanation. do men really end relationships with women they are into simply because they have too much on their plates?
admin
October 6, 2014 at 11:29 am
This is stupid… He should have leaned on you and used you for support rather than pushing you away.
I am not a fan of his breakup reasoning.
heather
October 6, 2014 at 1:33 pm
funny. i’m not a fan of the reasoning either, but it is what it is. i’ve sent you emails in the past, but would love a little more insight based on the longer story (which i can’t post here). will resend email today (10/6), subject “from heather.” i’d really, really appreciate your thoughts.
admin
October 7, 2014 at 1:28 pm
Generally people who post in the comments get more responses than emails b/c the emails overwhelm me completely.
heather
October 7, 2014 at 1:58 pm
i definitely understand that you’re overwhelmed by the emails, and get that the comments are helpful for people beyond the original poster. that said, i think in some situations, the details are really important, but are also dead giveaways, and some people need to keep those details under wraps for personal and professional reasons.
i bought your book a couple of weeks back hoping that it would be responsive to my particular situation. although it’s been really useful and insightful, it’s just doesn’t address what’s going on for me right now. hence the emails.
admin
October 8, 2014 at 12:37 pm
Alright Heather!
Ill respond to your email. Whats the subject line?
heather
October 8, 2014 at 1:47 pm
will resend (on 10/8), subject “from heather.”
Meghan
September 20, 2014 at 8:58 pm
Alright, so I recently read your article about all the different situations involving NC and that helped a lot. However, me and my ex broke up nearly a year ago, and we’ve become best friends. Legitimate best friends, not the whole ‘let’s just be friends’ game. In fact, while he has lots of acquaintances, I’m his only real friend; he’s told me as much.
It’s been awhile, and I know he’s moved on, as he liked a girl a few months back (it didn’t work out). I get that I should initiate NC, but I’m not sure how I should go about it.
If he initiates a conversation, I respond, but keep it short. I get that. But won’t he get mad after awhile? I can imagine it’d be frustrating. Also, since he’s already been interested in other girls, is it too late? Do I basically have to work from scratch? Just some advice about how to go about this would be great.
admin
September 29, 2014 at 4:28 pm
Well, the end goal for you is to re-enter a relationship with him?
Meghan
October 15, 2014 at 1:15 am
Sorry for my late response.
Yes, that is definitely the end goal. However, I’m starting to wonder if enough time has past that I’m really starting from scratch…? Like, some days he seems to be seriously interested, and others only as friends. That’s confusing, but in the past it only seemed as friends so I don’t know if I should do NC or if I should just continue on and see where things take me.
Talls
September 16, 2014 at 4:43 am
Hi Chris! So, I was hanging out with my ex all weekend. Me, him, and three other friends of ours all went to an event for the weekend and ended up getting a hotel. While we did get 2 beds, we ended up sleeping in the same bed together, next to each other(mainly because we were watching tv together before passing out). He cuddled me during the night while one of our other friends (also a girl) slept on the other side of him. The entire night he kept cuddling up to me. I fell out of bed a few times. He would wake up, ask me if I was ok. I would tell him I was fine, and offered to sleep on the floor or in the other bed. He told me to not be silly and just get back up on the bed with him. (I was too tired to argue) but the few times, he rolled onto his back, taking the room so I would lay on his chest. I wouldn’t and within a few minutes, he would turn and cuddle up to me.
At the event, he would be walking around together as a group. Because it was rocky and crowded, he would offer me his arm or keep moving over to me when I talked to other people. Several people who knew us both asked if we got back together. He heard once, and he made sure to a lot of emphasis on the word “friends” in the sentence “We are just good friends”. But even after that, when I tried to separate myself from him a bit, he would follow me. And when I hugged a guy, he took a step closer to us while a friend of mine seemed to think me made a face.
Meanwhile, he keeps telling people we are “just friends” but his actions seem to say otherwise. What do you think?
admin
September 16, 2014 at 3:31 pm
Sounds like he wants you physically…
Talls
September 17, 2014 at 3:02 am
Hi again Chris! Rereading my question I forgot to mention something >< (sorry about that). He is with another girl right now. We were talking, and since she and I used to be friends, she keeps trying to get me to visit her. I expressed a general annoyance of people wanting me to do things (not just her) he told me "If its (the girl hes with) feel free to snap at her!" He then went on to tell me his pet peeves about her, something I have never heard him do before. I also mentioned that a guy at my school (I live in a college dorm) was kinda being annoying (as in asking me out over and over after one not so good first date) and my ex got kinda upset and offered to "sort things out".
I don't know if that changes anything, but I thought it worth mentioning.
admin
September 17, 2014 at 4:57 pm
The girl thats dating him wants you to visit her…
Talls
September 18, 2014 at 5:00 am
Yeah. We used to be friends (until she broke the bro code), and apparently, she is “lonely and wants to see everyone”. She is also trying to bribe me to see her with my favorite foods and gifts. (I personally would like nothing more than to write her off, but sadly, I am just too nice of a person it seems.) I haven’t visited her, and I don’t plan to in the near future. But the attempt is still there, clogging up my skype chat 😛
Val
September 15, 2014 at 8:17 pm
Hi Chris. my ex broke up with me 3months ago and i had been waiting for him during that 3months. I didnt do anything. I didnt chat or call or make any contact with him as u suggested. Surprisingly he chat me yesterday night and now both of us keep chatting. And on this weekend we have plan to meet up. I know it may leads to “friendzone” since he once said we could be friends but i will do anything u suggested to get him back. Wish me luck!
admin
September 16, 2014 at 3:18 pm
Well, I always suggest by starting out with the NC rule.
palak sehra
September 15, 2014 at 3:26 pm
Hi chris i hav a query..
I was in a relationship with my bf for 1 year.. it was a long distance relation.. I broke up with my boyfriend almost a month back.. the reason he gave was that he is stressed because of his personal tensions.. actually my bf was trying for his PR from lasy yr.. becoz of which he was extremely frustrated and so it startd spilling over our relation.. everything was perfect until he said he is not able to keep me happy and so want a breakup as he is not giving me enough time and we cant have any future together.. i tried convincing him.. but he had made up his mind.. he said we can be friends but he doesnt want to be in any kind of relation as his things are screwd up.. i tried not texting him for few days.. he contactd me then.. we spoke casually.. but his views were same.. this has happend twice or thrice.. once he contacted.. nd twice i contacted via text only.. all these tyms it was casual conversations about his nd my job and all.. otherwise we dont speak..
Now i dont understnd whether to support him with his decision of remaining friends and just go on like this only.. or to stop all contacts..
He once said that i did nt support his decision of remaining friends when he was not with me.. that is aftr break up..
I love him a lot.. nd i know he also does.. its just these circumstances that hav ruined our relation.. i want to support him with this decision as i love him a lot..
Please suggest me what should i do.. because i really want him back..
Waiting for your reply..
Thanx..
admin
September 16, 2014 at 3:10 pm
You know what I am going to vote…
I vote go NC!
Jess
September 12, 2014 at 3:50 am
Hi Chris,
Love love your site, great source fore real honest advice. I dated my ex for just under a year, I’m in my early thirties, he’s in his late thirties. While I may be a slight commitment phobe, I’ve still have a few serious relationships, the ex unfortunately, quickly approaching 40 has never had a serious relationship before me, and has commitment phobia to the extreme. He and I did get to a point where we told each other “I Love You” (he said it first), and met each other’s friends etc., and saw each other frequently. However, we hit a few bumps along the way, but in the past always manged to work through them. It was hard again because he’d never been in a serious committed relationship before, so he really didn’t understand that getting to know someone, and communicating with someone sometimes takes work and hits snags.
Anyway, I asked him one day where were headed, if this was serious. I didn’t think of it an ultimatum of “marry me in the next year or else” as I’m in no rush, but instead I just wanted to make sure that he and I were on the same page, and wanted the same things, and that he was committed to making things work, to us. At the end of the day, I didn’t want to end up that woman who wakes up and realizes she spent the last 3-5 years waiting on a guy to marry her. His response to my question of “Are you in this with me”, “where is this headed”, was “I don’t know.”
I got upset, and suggested we take a break. We took a break for about a month. I tried to do no contact, but changed my mind as I was afraid I would lose him. After a month he told me he still didn’t know how he felt and it wouldn’t be fair to keep me in limbo any longer, but asked if we could still be friends.
Have been trying the friends things for a little, but it’s terrible. I thought I’d be fine, and I was for a little but he constantly texts, or e-mails and any progress I made is lost as I feel myself drawn back into the relationship, which now is a non-relationship. I’m suffering, but he’s getting to eat his cake and have it too.
I’ve decided to commit to No Contact for good this time. However, I haven’t told him that I’ve decided it’s best we don’t speak, and he unfortunately keeps texting or e-mailing me. Should I tell him I need some time? Also, do you suggest I do the 30 day, 21 day, or as some people suggest 60 or 90 day.
isheworthit?
September 9, 2014 at 10:11 pm
I dated this guy, we did not dated for long, we dated about 3 months. We got into 2 fights because I did not trusted him. This was due to the fact guys that have repeatedly cheated on me in the past. So apparently to him I was this clingy girl that always wanted to hangout with him. So we broke it off and still I feel like this needy/desperate girl. He still acted interested in me and thought he wanted me still. Than he message me that he would try not to do that anymore and still wanted to be friends. I was going to play it cool but instead I was this depurate girl that wanted him back. Than after this crazy bickering with him I finally agreed to be his friends. I feel like He never saw the true me, I am very honest, faithful, kind and trusting. He never saw this in me and I just want a second chance but his brother told me he might be interested in this other girl. I don’t know what to do. Im doing the no contact rule right now but I’m trying to figure out what I should do after. just give up and be his friend or ignore him until he contacts me? I need help, i Don’t know what to do.
Bank
September 9, 2014 at 1:38 am
Hi Chris,
My ex broke up with me 8 months ago telling me he wanted to be alone. I know he hasn’t dated anyone. During this time we have hang out, talk every day, have sex (i know) but he said he was unsure about what he wanted.Right now he has 2 jobs and gets home by 11:30 pm and has only sundays off. Yesterday I went to his place and we cuddle for a while. I wanted to sleep with him but he said we better not because I get too emotional afterwards (it is true, I try to play it cool but after a few days I start to freak out). So, we had one of those heavy conversations, he said he loved me and likes to be with me but he can’t be in a relationship. He also told me that we shouldn’t see each other anymore, but that he wanted to be friends. I made alll the mistakes, needy, clingy, demanding….He has not contact me since yesterday. Now i don’t know what to do, should I wait for him to contact me? Do the NC rule?? Please help!
admin
September 15, 2014 at 3:21 pm
Yep, do the NC rule.
martha
September 9, 2014 at 12:08 am
hey chris my boyfriend just broke up with me because first he said he sees me as a sister but now he told me he sees me as a friend. he wants to stay just friends for the moment to see if the flame gets rekindled and we can make it work. what can i do?
Kim
September 2, 2014 at 5:03 pm
Hi!I could so use a males opinion!! I started to date this great guy back in Feb we kinda moved fast on being exclusive. I knew he just had his heart broken (ex of 5yrs was sleeping with his best friend for 2yrs) and then I found out it happend only 3mo before we met!!! I knew I should have walked away but I just couldn’t there’s is something about him. We were great together… Had so much fun as the mouths went on I met his friends his family but not his son (something we both agreed should wait).then he got hurt in July & was in the hospital for a few wks and when he got home his ex started in on her normal craziness(long story)..& we went from everything being OK Mon to Fri him sending me a “I’m sorry I have to take care of my son & makes sure his mom is OK & can’t be there for anyone romantically right now etc” text!!! A text to break things off after 5 12mo’s!!! I was so shocked & hurt. We didn’t talk for a few wks (& him liking my stuff on fb all the time..which i hated lol)then I had a weak drunk moment & sent him a text saying he was a coward & thought I meant more to him….ya kicked myself for being that weak. Well after a wk he sent me a text saying I was right & that text was called for & if we could talk soon. Then another wk went by & he just came over this past weekend for coffee. It was like no time had past we chatted for a little then he asked how I was doing..I told him the truth. Im OK life goes on but I can’t lie & say i don’t miss you.told him he really hurt me by sending a text. He said he couldn’t face me..that between his company, getting hurt, his son & ex & us getting serious all at once he freaked and ran. That I mean so much to him etc & he agreed he tried to move on too fast. He asked if we could try to be friends..yep the friends word!! I told him I don’t know. I can’t be your friend & know your dating girls or have you talk to me about other girls because I’ll flip lol his response was “if I’m asking you to hangout I’m not going to be dating other girls” What does that mean!?!?! When he left he hugged me again & said he would pick me up the next day to show me something he just got for the business. Few min later he is texting me a smiley face & jokes for a few hrs. Next morning I get a text asking about my night & that he’ll be over in a hr for that ride. It was a fast ride & we were back at my place chatted about the rest of the day & he was off to get his son for the day. We talked about maybe bbq later but nothing 100% text a couple times then nothing for a while.. so I gave in a
& sent a text in the afternoon & told him to let me know if he wants to BBQ nbd if not I’m still doing it.. And nothing back. I know between work, 1st day of school & a boys weekend trip he’ll be crazy busy this wk..so I’m doing the no contact rule for now but how long do I wait? Should I send one later next wk? And what did he mean by the above statement!? I’m so lost because I was prepared to say goodbye when we had coffee but now I don’t know what to think or do..
admin
September 3, 2014 at 2:35 pm
Definitely do the NC rule I say do it for 21 days in this case.
Kim
September 3, 2014 at 5:12 pm
Yes definitely not going to be getting a hold of him for awhile! But how do I take the “if I’m asking you to hanging out I’m not going to be dating other girls” statement? Trying to figure out what he was trying to say..I should have just asked right there but we kinda got interrupted and started talk about other stuff.
Emy
September 1, 2014 at 10:52 am
Hi Chris, in my case is a little different. My boy have had an avoidant relationship behavior, because he had abandoned for his mother when he was 8 years. She came back when he was 14., so everyrelationship that is going to the right place scares him and he finishes. We NEVER fighted, we go so good together, specially on sex, but he is full of restrictions with woman, and says he is still looking for something special. I know it is an excuses for his problems, bec I am psychologist and I showed this point for him. I feel I am not neither girlfriend, neither friend neither friend with benefits, because he talked too much about his life, problems… And now a tragedy happened in his life 3 weeks ago… Her only son died in an accident… He is disturbed and we keep talked everyday. But he told for me dont go to his city because he want stay with family and his heart was shut up.. And he told me, that he cannot give to me what I am looking for that is love, only friendship. Curious is that always is he that mentions LOVE in the talking, not me….. i tried only to use my professional side at the texting. His last contact was friday morning… He called me on skype… He is devasted, and I offer him to help doing a trip or if he comes to the farm… Now, I am waiting him to text me another time… But I dont know if i can wait, text him normally or do the NC time…. Give me your sugestion.
admin
September 2, 2014 at 1:16 pm
So, his mom leaving screwed him up. Did you reassure him in the relationship?
Samantha
August 29, 2014 at 6:31 pm
Hi Chris
This is the second time around my ex coms back to me after breaking up last april (I broke up w him), the first time, after breaking up he reached me and started texting me, I asked him if he wanted to fix things, and he told me no, he wanted to be friends and I told him I was not interested in a friendship and he disappeared, even blocked me form facebook and whatsapp. I applied NC immediately.
A couple of days ago, 1 month after this second NC period he sent me a txt saying he missed me. We started talking about how we were doing and such, and suddenly he told me: I missed you, talking to you, you make me smile. I responded to him that it was very sweet of him, and I also felt really good about having him close, so I asked him why he decided to approach me again, he told me that he wants me in his life in any form because I am really special for him, so I told him that I wanted to be clear on this, I was still not interested on being friends only.
He told me that I am someone for whom he feels a lot of things, that he has feelings for me still.. he is attracted also in a sexual manner.. he told me he doesnt have with other women the type of conversations he shares with me.
The truth is that I am really confused. I explained to him why I could not be freinds with him (my feelings for him) and he responded that right now he doesnt want to commit to me or to have a girlfriend, that he is doing ok on his own, he is having a good time and that he doesnt want to come back to fight with me. Buttom line, as I see it , he wants to have all the good atuff we used to have when we were together, but now he doesnt want any commitment or relationship rules.
Let me tell you that I broke up with him because he used to flirt with girls online behind my back, even when we agreed since day one he was not going to do that anymore. So I caught him and I had to terminate the relationship, but I always have expected him to come and talk to me about this.
When we were having this intense conversation via facebook, he told me that he knows that I get upset when he flirts online, and told me that he will never change and that is why he thinks we cant work as a couple. That obviously hurt me, so I told him you know what there is no rush on this, I am out of the country anyways until december so I dont want a relationship right now. Take your time to figure out what is that you want and we can keep texting through Facebook having a nice chatting time, we can expect to have something resolved by the time im back.
Chris I really love him and it makes me happy to have him around, but right now I dont know how well I am handling the situation… Should I be cold or friendly with him? Or should I back off and stop talking to him? I do not want to change him, I only want him to commit to the fact that I deserve respect and I want him to stop flirting. The flirting I talk about is giving likes on Facebook, hearts on instagram, I am not able to stand any type of flitring, thats just me. I know we all look at attractive people but hey, cant he just see a cute girl think to himself damn she is hot and keep on with his life? Why does he have to make contact, complementing them, liking pictures.. I told him this yesterday.
After everything we talked, he told me I was right, and that yeah he wanted to let things flow until I came back, but that I should not feel we are having something right now….
I was really polite and firm, but now what?? I am thinking about just cooling it off and just focusing on making him feel great when he talks to me, since we had a really intense conversation and I dont want him to feel like I am expecting something right now.. I really want this to flow so we both feel the need of committing. I am coming back until december so I have plenty of time to reconnect with him, and get in shape you know.. like improving the whole thing. I am a little worried about him finding someone else or him doing other girls but.. I guess I will have to cool down since we are not a couple right now.
What do you think I should do? Am I handling this the right way? I dont want to screw this great opportunity of getting my ex back.
I hope you can help me understand how to handle the situation from now on, I want to do this the right way, no rushing like I did before.
admin
September 2, 2014 at 12:13 pm
Him finding someone else is always going to be a risk after a breakup. I would say that right now you are better off being patient and slowly working him.
Samantha
September 2, 2014 at 6:05 pm
Thank you, I will be patient then and work this slowly 🙂
Niki
August 28, 2014 at 9:30 pm
My ex and i had been together almost 3 years,always had our ups and downs but got through them. About 2 weeks ago he text me out of the blue and broke up with me, his reason was thathe felt I didnt like his family which was total rubbish. Anyway a week later he texts me again and we talk about the reason why we broke up and he begged me to get back with him said that he could never be with anyone else and that he wanted to marry me. We got back together and spent a nice day together about 3 days later just laughing and cuddling ect. 2 days later he texts me again and tells me that he just wants to be friends. I told him that i gelt he was playing with me, politely said goodbye and deleted his number. Now i really don’t know what to do because i really don’t know what I’ve done wrong. Should I just let it go or still try and pursue he relationship?
admin
August 29, 2014 at 12:03 pm
Only pursue if you think he is best for you long term!
J
July 30, 2014 at 7:14 pm
How can no contact help if I was the one who hurt him? We broke up two and a half months ago and I haven’t implemented no contact because he told me the only way to remind him of good memories is to talk and be friends now, and that if I stopped talking to him he would have nothing good to remember. But being so close now is so hard for me.
admin
August 4, 2014 at 1:54 pm
It can give him time to level out emotionally and missyou.
J
July 30, 2014 at 7:16 pm
And a lot of the reason we broke up is because he felt as if I didnt prioritize him or care, and now I am overcompensating to show him how much he does mean to me. Because I feel if I do no contact it will just validate to him that I dont care when I really do
Linda
July 29, 2014 at 10:10 pm
Hi chris. My Ex and i live together. He broke up with me before he left for a month long trip. Our contact had been all over the place from fighting to cuddling and so on. He agreed to take a vacation with me but insists that were are still broken up and that his mind is made up I agreed with him that we are still broken up and this is a good bye trip clearly I’m hoping for more but have come to terms with his decision ….. Im a bit confused I pushed for the trip but he did not have to agree so Im wondering whats going through his head? And also if there is anything I can do during our trip to change his mind…. Of course the story is a little more complex but you don’t have all day for that.
admin
July 30, 2014 at 3:06 pm
I think the problem is that he knows he can have you…
Linda
July 31, 2014 at 2:47 pm
Yes I think that may be true as well. This trip is a trip we have taken with friends before this time of year. Stuff came up last minute so I will not be joining the trip however he will do so for 3 weeks. Should i implement no contact while he is away? ALso the lease is up in a few months on the apartment, Im trying to pull strings and see what I can do about moving out sooner. He invited me dinner and some other thing this friday. SHould I decline? How should I play my cards?
Linda
July 31, 2014 at 3:00 pm
Also I learned he is so respect about our living situation that he joined multiple CHEAP dating websites he did not even have the decency to wait to till we have our own places.. What is his rush with all these girls?
Linda
July 29, 2014 at 10:14 pm
ps he had been back now for a week and a half from his month long trip where we had little contact but still managed to argue and also of good contact. Its difficult because we live together. Our trip is scheduled for 2 weeks from now
Arie
July 29, 2014 at 4:27 pm
Hi Chris, I have been reading all sorts of blogs in the last few hours like a lost puppy trying to understand “what does he mean when he says he wants to be friends?” The problem is he is not exactly an EX. So it will take me a while to give you the background and this may be as long as a novel. So, thank you in advance for reading this…
We are both expats currently living in Asia – he is in Japan and I am in Singapore, and we both travel a lot for work. We met at a work function in Japan in Jan this year, where he eventually followed me back to my hotel and we were supposed to have an one-night-stand. It did not end there. He told me he was going to Singapore the week after for only a day, and asked if he could see me. I said yes. He asked if he could stay with me, and for some reason I said yes. Fast forward, during the first 3 months we saw each other 5 times. It’s quite a lots consider we live in two different countries with a 5-hour flight in between. We do not exchange texts or calls when we are not in each other’s country – so clearly it was an arrangement. However whenever we were with each other, things were great – sex was fun, we were both considerate, we slept together with lots of intimacy and cuddling. I was fine with the arrangement until in April when he was in Singapore for an event and I asked him to meet me at a club. He had friends with him and when he tried to introduce me to his friends, he could not remember my name. I was upset and I left the club despite the fact that we made plans to go back to my place together. He called many times that evening and wanted to come over. We met up and made up because I decided it was ok because it was what it was – it’s supposed to be an arrangement. Then we stopped talking for two month between April and June. I was feeling flirtatious one night and started texting him. His response was enthusiastic and he told me he would be in Singapore for a month for work. His service apartment was a 5-min walk from mine. I got excited and was ready to have fun this guy during his stay. The first time after two months was not great – we got into a fight on why women blame men for the problem on prostitution!! We had sex, we slept together, but no hugs or any sort of intimacies like we used to have. Again we both travel a lot and have high demanding jobs…we made plans and sometimes he had to change it and he always asked if I am upset….Finally there was one time we met up and he was too hung over to have sex… he sent a text the next day apologizing for not being good company…then he had to fly out to NY… and had asked if I would like to go hiking and do dinner when he gets back…I freaked out a bit but told him I would love to. Anyway, he I s finally back and we made plans to meet last Saturday for dinner. On the Friday night before, I asked if he was just sitting at home in his underwear and if he was I would like to go over… he asked if it was a booty call and I said yes….I went over… he was a bit hesitant… I asked if he wanted me to go home.. he said no…anyway we had sex on Friday. On Saturday, he was trying to get out of dinner, but I told him I already made a reservation… so we kept the plan… Dinner was enjoyable…then in a Taxi, he told me he just wanted to be friends. I was drunk… and I asked him – Can we be friends with benefits. He said no. I asked does that mean we do not get to sleep together anymore… he said we will need to see about that…I asked him why did he want to be my friend? He said because I seem to be a very cool person to have as a friend. He got off the taxi and said we needed to finish the conversation before he leaves town again on Thursday. So we had a chat on Sunday – he told me that the reason he has been moody and difficult to deal with is because he has been thinking what to do with this, whatever this is…and he decided he wants to be friends. He asked me how do you think this is going to go, or end… I said I don’t know. I want to continue. I told him that I like him and I think he knows … and I asked if that had made him feel uncomfortable. He said – he knows I like him, otherwise we won’t be having this conversation.
Anyway he said we can still have lots of fun “hiking and having dinners, and exploring new restaurant together….” I told him I am not sure if I can be friends with a man whom I slept with. I have many guy friends, and actually my 3 best friends in Singapore are all men (it’s a fact. I have always been a tomboy), and that I have never slept with any of my guy friends… he asked me “ so, what are you saying?” I said “ I may not be able to be friends…” He said “ you don’t have to decide now.. sit on the idea, and when you are ready, you let me know…”
We went on talking about other things and it was time to say bye. He kissed me on the cheeks and said “see you later? Or maybe not?” I said “maybe not. But if you change your mind you can let me know…”
I do realized I don’t know anything about him to make a conclusion… Is he just being nice and sensitive to let me down gently? Or is he acting like an ass without know he is acting like an ass (sleeping with me on Friday and telling me he wants to be friends on Sat)
So why does he want to be friends? Would I even get a chance to take this further I agree to be his friend?
admin
July 30, 2014 at 2:00 pm
Did he specifically ask for a FWB type of relationship?
Arie
July 30, 2014 at 6:18 pm
Hi Chris” thanks for getting back to me. No, he never specifically ask for one? We just never talked about it. During the conversation on Sunday, he said he is not good at the fFWB thing, and it’s not like he has a list of women to choose to sleep with. He also said he has been thinking about what to do with this…whatever this is…but he never said he wants a relationship either. And now he wants to be friends? Very confused.
I told him I am not sure how to be friends when we parted. Then I ran into him on the street and we chatted a bit. I texted him on We’d before he left for NY and told him that I gave some thoughts into it, and I asked when he is back and told him I want to talk? He responded with some chitchats and said “see you when I am back. We need to take you dress shopping anyway…” (He owes me a dress) He has not told me when exactly he will be back yet. Should I just wait? I mean what does he mean he wants to be friends? Finally want to get to know me as a person? Or to just keep me in his back pocket?
Elizabeth
July 27, 2014 at 10:31 pm
Hi Chris, I have have actively reading your website for about 2-3 months now. I don’t have a lot of close friends so I thank you for this website,for helping me feel like someone cares about me in this process. Anyways, I am at the stage where my ex and I finally met after the no contact rule. We met up and had a good time catching up. After dinner where I suggested splitting checks even though he suggested an expensive restarant. He asked if I wanted to come by his new home to see the work he has done on his home improvement projects. I said sure. We went to his house. Looked around, talked, stayed to watch a movie. And of course I couldn’t control myself and initiated a kiss. He kissed back and one thing led to another. So after being intimate I left to go home. In the morning he texted me it was amazing:) but that he just didn’t know what to do next. He wasn’t ready to just jump back into a relationship with me. He said his heart is still locked up. He said he’s still hurt and his heart wont allow him to jump into something so soon. So he suggested being freinds with benefits or just friends. So I said Just Friends. That I respect myself to much to just be a cheap friends with benefits. He agreed. He said he wants to give the friend thing 8 weeks to see if I have really changed. I need advice. Please! Does it sound like he’s just going to hurt me. Or like he really does need time. I’m also afraid that I wont be able to control myself with him. That I will try to initate somehting with him when are together as Just friends. What should I do???
admin
July 28, 2014 at 2:47 pm
Hmm… commitment issues with him it looks like.
I would go NC for 2 weeks and then slowly advance things again. Except don’t be physical with him. Make him work for it.
Elizabeth
July 28, 2014 at 3:22 pm
Hmmm a whole 2 weeks? Even though he is basically only giving me 8 weeks as a friend to see changes? I trust your advice. Its always helpful despite my thoughts. But I just want to made sure you read the part apart the 8 weeks he’s giving me.
admin
July 29, 2014 at 1:29 pm
Try two weeks. Lets do things on your terms and not his.
Elizabeth
July 28, 2014 at 3:36 pm
So sorry, I also forgot to mention it is my Birthday this weekend. So I assume it’s okay to reply with a Thank you if he txt Happy Birthday? But should I reply if he asks me what i’m doing or wants to do something
-Thanks Chris
admin
July 29, 2014 at 1:32 pm
Nope… if you are in NC you can’t even reply.
Elizabeth
July 28, 2014 at 5:18 am
Also I should mention he does not want to mention what happened between us to anyone. Friends, family, anyone. Basically he wants to keep what happened between us a secret and that he’s talking to me as a friend a secret. And he will not readd me on any social media. He said not until I have showed him I have changed. Is this a bad sign???? Or normal considering he’s confused and hurt. And may not want to look like a fool taking me back. And no i did not cheat on him. I did make mistakes though.
Amanda
July 17, 2014 at 12:25 pm
Hi Chris,
I have been actively reading your site for three months now. And THANK YOU! You have helped me more than anyone.
I just read “when to stop trying to get your ex back.”
I feel like I’ve done everything right. No contact, emotional connection, I’ve had him saying things like he’s mad a mistake. And after going on a date with someone else, he professed that no one meets standards like I do. However HE is unable to give me what I require from a relationship (is attention.. He just doesn’t have anything to give.) but we have a depth and connection I have never felt before.
In one of your articles you talked about how one man had a hard time expressing his feelings and te more his gf felt and expressed, the more scared and inexpressive he got. That is my ex in a nut shell. We for together last night to have our open and honest conversation. And it went awesome! We almost didnt want to, bc we know he have such a great time when were are together. We had a lovely evening, I told
Him I didn’t want to be his gf (reverse psychology) and that I am fully supportive and so happy for all that he is doing in his life. I know he needs his freedom and time. And this is his time, so go kill it!
However I can see us together, raising children together in the future. And I’m not sure if this is where I should give up. Or stay in this limbo and keep trying. Please help me. I’ve done everything right… But you’re right… It is so hard and not black and white!
Thank you for everything Chris,
Amanda Peter
admin
July 18, 2014 at 3:44 pm
Tell me, your ex, who has trouble expressing feelings, do you think he has issues with commitment as well?
K.A
July 16, 2014 at 8:39 pm
My ex and I dated a little over a year. He claimed it was because he needed to get his life together and that he doesn’t have time for a relationship with any girl until that happens. Now I know some guys say things like that to make is a little easier. So that night he freaked out and kept texting me that he was going crazy because he didn’t know if this was the right choice and if he could live with this decision. So I told him to go to bed and just think about things. The next day I stopped by to give him his stuff back and his reasoning for breaking up with me was different. This time its as because he didn’t feel that ‘spark’ anymore. Which I explained was normal, sometimes people get lazy or couples get into a routine. So I left, and he called me that night crying and saying how he didn’t know how he felt. Now, being stupid, I had called him the next day because I really wanted some closure, and seeing as he had called me the least he could do was answer when I did. Well, he didn’t, so I had texted him explaining my stance on things because I had a gut feeling he wouldn’t reply. It wasn’t until the next day when he called me and yelled at me telling me he needed space to figure things out and that he couldn’t be in a relationship because he needs to get his life straight (yea I don’t even know which breakup reason to believe). He also said that if he doesn’t contact me before I leave for school then I should text him and let him know the day I’m leaving (which is actually a month away). I know the probability of us getting back together is slim. However, out of the 8 relationships I have had throughout my life I can honestly say I have never been this upset over a breakup because I really thought we had something going and I saw a future with this guy. What I really want to ask is, would the no contact rule still apply here? Or would I just be wasting my time because we had texted a little after the breakup?
admin
July 18, 2014 at 3:05 pm
He sounds like a basket case and you sound like a really grounded person.
I definitely think the NC rule is the way to go here.