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Anonymous
July 13, 2014 at 11:11 pm
My ex and I dated for 7 months from August to February. It started out loving each other by rebound because I was not fully prepared and was forced out by a best friend who is no longer anymore than came into the struggles where either one of us are not happy about what we do. It’s either he becomes depressed or I become unhappy about the decision. Soon after the break up, he begin to slowly tell me to do things I did not want to do since he knew me well enough what I dislike, like homework, vegetables, etc. Now it gotten worse to the point where he begin sitting different desks in the classroom. I may have worm my way to sit next to him for my friend was sitting in the group he was in, but afterwards he begin telling his own friends that I was using him to get to someone yet to put this matter to short, I used the whole “Daddy made me break up” thing but soon after that I told him the truth, seems like he was somewhere else while I was trying to explain to him the truth. That I was not into him. I have done some breakdowns of my anger when there was certain actions I may have not really much like but after that I regret it. In common sense, “Talk shit” which I thought about it through and I should have been more patient or rather be mature. Nowadays his friends are giving me this idea of “He regrets not talking to you and he will always be at fault of this relationship” certainly he was giving me the silent treatment which I did not mind for in my perspective I deserve it but going as far to telling my sister that he thought my parents hated his guts and thinking he was used. Now I’ve been trying to be his friend which is my main goal but often he would give me the silent treatment and no way open door to make a conversation it was more like I have to make it. I’m the type that I am afraid of making a wrong move and destroy the friendship that I am trying to built for a while that or chasing for trouble. I don’t want him back but in a simple way, “Let’s be friends. Just friends” since I enjoy his company as a friend and play online games but since he had unfriend me and did not want to do anything with me than how can I possible make a move after something that has occured.
ileana
July 13, 2014 at 2:30 pm
Hi Chris,
I was on 21st day of nc and was thinking things are ok from both the sides. he started calling and texting. but i didnt reply to his calls and texts. he never admit that he wants me back but i was thinking everything is ok now so on 21st day he messaged me and i replied. but he shocked me with his words by saying i just want to know you are ok or not and happy that you are moving on easily. i want you to be happy that’s why did this for our betterness.
what should i do now chris.
please advice
admin
July 14, 2014 at 3:15 pm
Finish out NC.
ileana
July 14, 2014 at 4:49 pm
OK….but there is any chance of his coming back or not
Kris
July 11, 2014 at 2:32 am
Hello.
My ex broke up with me a week ago. We were only dating for 2 months but been talking as friends months before he asked me to be exclusive. We were very happy. He was very attentive to my needs and I did everything for him. We liked each other a lot. Met each other’s friends and families. We are on our late 20s and have good careers. He admitted he has been hurt when he was in highschool and never dated seriously then. I’m the first he opened up to and trusted me a lot. We were bestfriends. I fell inlove with him. He’s due to move to another state til the end of the year for his job. We talked about how we will overcome it and everything was fine. Everything was just perfect between us until we got into a discussion about our lives and things. After that he told me we need to break up and be friends because he doesn’t know the future and scared of the uncertainty. I begged him not to break up but he said I deserve someone who’s sure about the future. I was devastated for he was the one talking about us being perfect and how he’s happy with me and that I make him happy everyday. Even his friends and family were delighted to see him happy. He left me. Texted me everyday asking to be friends and that talking to me really makes him happy but I told him not to text me again for I love him and can’t be friends. He texted me drunk, saying he wants to tell me something but so afraid about opening up because he’s scared to make mistake. Been 3 days of no contact. I was very sure he was sincere with me in our relationship but I’m really confused about what happened. Im not sure if he will contact me again but I’m still hoping. Is there a chance on cases like this? I miss him and I’m just glad I deleted his number because I’m dying to text him
flowergirl
July 9, 2014 at 5:09 pm
Hi Chris,
First off, I know this is a long post so I thank you so much for taking the time to reply me. I really appreciate it.
So I’ve been in a relationship with my ex for a year (started May 2013) and we recently broke up a month ago. It was pretty rocky when we first got together because he was afraid to be in a committed relationship and he made out with this girl when we were exclusively dating. When I wanted to end things, he tried really hard to win back my trust and I eventually gave him a chance because of his sincerity. He began to treat me with all his heart and I am to feel that I can probably spend the rest of my life with this guy. But sometimes I would pick small fights to push his limits when he pisses me off but he would still give in to me because he loves me and doesn’t want to win a fight and lose what we have. During that time, I think I was subconciously taking advantage of having the upper hand in the relationship. But we also had a lot of good memories and he helped me dealt with a lot of problems in my life.
However, we were doing really well up until our long distance for 4 and half months because I had to move to the U.S (in Jan 2014) for work while he still lives in Asia. Since it was 13 hrs time difference, it was difficult for us to talk on the phone all the time so we began to fight a lot. We had a huge fight in Feb but we managed to fix things and then he started to make excuses like he’s always too tired and busy from work to make an effort to call or skype me. I know he has a demanding job so I’m pretty sure he hasn’t met anyone else but I would always complain and crave for his attention more and more because I was also really lonely there.
On the other hand, just 2 months before I flew back, one day this friend of mine who had a crush on me for over 10 years moved back to the U.S. where I happen to be. He had told me 2 years ago that he still had strong feelings for me, I was really touched and we kissed then when I was still single. Now he moved back to the U.S. so we started to hang out a lot, I began to develop feelings for him and he confessed to me that he still likes me. So i ended up cheating on my boyfriend two weeks before I flew back to home to my bf.
I really love my bf but somehow I was selfish enough to think that I could figure things out with my boyfriend until I’m back. However, my feelings for the new guy clouded my judgement because he told me he loved me but we wouldn’t work out because he doesn’t want to be the third person to destroy my relationship and he will be in the U.S. for the long run so we won’t have a future. So I called my bf to ask whether he still loved me but he couldn’t answer my question so I got really upset and brought up the topic of break up just 5 days before I flew back. He agreed and I got really upset because I thought that he would still fight for this relationship.
So when I got off the plane that day (June 2014), we had a chat and he decided to break things off. He doesn’t know about the cheating incident with my friend. He said although I have a lot of admirable qualities but he realized we have different mentality and goals in life. And he really tried hard to work on our relationship, he even had an emotional breakdown back then and he has already went way beyond his limits with me and he can’t take it anymore or else he will just be unhappy. He said he knows I was really lonely there that’s why he would always suppress his feelings to make me happy make this relationship work but the bottom line is that he isn’t happy anymore. He said his feelings for me has diminished to friends but he still cares a lot for me and he still wants to continue to keep in touch with me because I am like a family to him. I was balling my eyes out and pleaded him to give us another chance to work it out but he explained that there isn’t a point to do it now because we will just end up breaking up and he really lost feelings for me. However, he said that he isn’t closing his doors on me, maybe one day we will work out if the stars align again but right now he doesn’t see us being a right fit for each other.
We broke up a week before my birthday, and 2 days before my birthday he asked me to have dinner on my actual birthday (I think it’s because he felt bad that we had planned to celebrate my birthday together but now circumstances have changed). I didn’t want to be emotional in front of him so I told him I was going out of town and he said we should meet until I get back. I sent him a message a few days after I got back to tell him I am back and he said “cool just let me know when ur free”. I gave him a time but he replied me 2 days later and said he isn’t available then, and suggested “how about sometime next week?” Then he sent me an image of this clothing store event happening in the mall because I bought some clothes for him from that store to stir up a conversation with me. But I told myself that waiting for him to reply me and constantly checking my phone to see whether he read my message or analyzing why he is sending me those messages is going to drive me crazy so maybe it’s best to implement the no contact rule so I never replied his last message. It has been almost 3 weeks since I last spoke to him over text message.
I feel absolutely guilty for what I have done but I really want to get back with him and make up for what I have done and go back to those happy days. I didn’t want to tell him about the cheating incident because I would not want to hurt him. At the end of the day, we didn’t break up over that and I stopped talking to my other friend.
Do you think I can still win him back? What should I do…and when should I contact him again? I actually bought some souvenirs for his parents from the U.S. and am supposed to meet up to give it to him too. I want to talk to him when I feel better after the break up and after I’ve done some positive changes in myself, but I am afraid that the longer I wait, the sooner he will meet another girl and forget about me. But at the same time, I am not ready to talk to him right now.
Please help me.
Thank you so much.
admin
July 10, 2014 at 2:22 pm
Well, the distance provided a bit of an obstacle for you two.
He doesn’t know you cheated? Were you officially dating him when the cheating occurred??
flowergirl
July 10, 2014 at 3:36 pm
Yes we were officially dating since last year in May. He doesn’t know that the cheating occurred…I didn’t tell him because I don’t want to hurt him and nor do I want this to further destroy our relationship/friendship.
But do you think I still stand a chance to win him back if he only sees me as a friend now? I just don’t understand why he said he wants to be friends with me because he still cares about me as a family and want to keep in contact with me but when I ignore his message, he doesn’t try to initiate another conversation with me. I’m just not sure whether the no contact will make him miss me.
If I do contact him again, how should i go about it?
flowergirl
July 10, 2014 at 3:45 pm
Just to clarify we didn’t break up over the cheating incident.
We broke up because he realized we have different mentality and different ways of taking care of things in life. He said he already went way beyond his limits with me and he can’t take it anymore or else he will just be unhappy. On top of that, his feelings for me has diminished to friends but he still cares a lot for me and he still wants to continue to keep in touch with me because I am like a family to him.
He also said he isn’t closing his doors on me, maybe one day we will work out if the stars align again but right now he doesn’t see us being a right fit for each other.
admin
July 11, 2014 at 1:54 pm
Explain a little more in depth what you mean about different ways of taking care of things in life?
flowergirl
July 11, 2014 at 2:51 pm
As in different ways of handling things in life. i.e. if he sees a problem arise, he will handle it right away because he is a very efficient person. But I might take my time take all of the factors into considerations before I take care of it and he thinks that I procrastinate too much and don’t really know how to take care of myself etc.
admin
July 14, 2014 at 2:50 pm
In other words, it takes you longer to handle things because you are thinking of all the outcomes that could occur?
flowergirl
July 18, 2014 at 6:46 am
Yeah in a nutshell– i’m a huge procrastinator and i know i have lots of room for improvement and he is a very efficient and hardworking person. I know I need to work on improving myself but how do I reconnect with him and change his impression of me?
admin
July 18, 2014 at 4:05 pm
I am a procrastinator too sometimes haha.
flowergirl
July 21, 2014 at 2:25 pm
so what do you suggest me to do in this situation?
lizzy
July 8, 2014 at 3:54 am
Hi chris.
I emailed you for help but read that you answer your comments usually and not your emails. PLEASE help me! I need an opinion from an outsider who won’t judge. my ex and I talked for a year before we started dating, we lived together for almost four months and then long distance. it obviously wasn’t easy but we made trips to make it work.. he spent Christmas with my family and I and then i found out in February that he had cheated on me in September (6months before I found out). he had a fake Facebook profile to sext his ex girlfriend and then multiple little lies. I broke up with him cause I was so upset and then he went crazy. he called my parents and friends crying, he sent flowers and letters and voicemails. he then got a tattoo for me. I decided to take him back because long distance was almost over and I move to the city he is in soon, I moved there and he broke up with me after a week and said we aren’t right for each other. it’s been almost four months now and we haven’t gone longer than a week without speaking. he was so mean and rude for the first two months and then when I finally have up he started to try and talk to me and be my friend. he kept saying he wants to be friends with benefits. I saw him two weeks ago and he came home with me that night, we had so much fun at the bar and walked home together and had a great night; cuddles included. even the next morning we cuddled. he went back to the city he is living in right now and told me when I get there (in 3 weeks) he wants to take me for dinner. he kept trying to contact me and then whenever he is drinking he tells me he misses me and can’t wait to see me and doesn’t want to hookup with other girls and doesn’t want me sleeping with other guys. Saturday night I drank a little too much and when he called me I broke down. I told him my feelings etc. we hungup the phone at 4 am and I called back the next morning. I asked what his intentions are because I wanted to fix things and he said he wants to be friends he doesn’t want to lose me out of his life. he says he doesn’t love me and doesn’t see a romantic future but that Saturday brought back some feelings. we hungup and later on that day had a quick convo. he ignored me so I texted saying that I hate being ignored and if he continues to I won’t try either. he told me it’s not a big deal so I just didn’t answer. that was yesterday morning and we haven’t talked since. I have no idea what to do anymore because I want him back and Move to where he is in three weeks. help 🙁
admin
July 8, 2014 at 2:37 pm
Are you two still long distance right now?
lizzy
July 8, 2014 at 8:34 pm
no we haven’t been together for the past three and a half months. I do live in a different city but I move to the same city he is in… in 3 weeks
So confused
July 8, 2014 at 1:55 am
Hey Chris,
Thanks for this amazing site! I’ve been dating someone for a month and it was a hit from the get go. We talked about future plans, etc etc. We didn’t get the boyfriend/girlfriend talk. Things also got physical, even though we didn’t have sex. He tells me after the 2nd time that things got so physical that he’s religious, and that we should build our relationship on a friendship first. I said no. And he said that he’s not saying we will not be together in the future, he just wants to remove the physical and have a friendship first. I am going to do the NC. Is that what you would suggest?
admin
July 8, 2014 at 2:33 pm
Absolutely!
So confused
July 8, 2014 at 5:33 am
Actually, we spoke again. He said maybe my feelings are strong so being friends won’t work for now & that he will call me some time in the future to meet up/hang out as friends. Any advice?
Caroline
July 7, 2014 at 10:38 pm
Does this only work for official couples? I was dating a guy for about 2 months and I broke it off because he started distancing himself. We started texting again a few weeks ago and he is starting to see me as a FWB although nothing has happened yet. I have been NC for almost a week now. Do you think it would work in my case? And how should I approach it if he initiates within the NC for 30 days to get myself out of the FWB zone? Thanks!
admin
July 8, 2014 at 2:15 pm
I imagine it can work in many different cases but I am not going to lie, this article is tailored to couples.
D
July 4, 2014 at 7:58 pm
My ex boyfriend wants to be friends. I am talking to him over text and he initiates the convo. He says he misses me and has never cared for anyone as much as much as me. He said let’s meet up for dinner and I agreed but he then changed his mind and said he was shocked at how quickly I had got over him and unlike me he had feelings for me still. I don’t know what to do as he broke up with me as I didn’t trust him but he also felt we didn’t communicate well and had different interests. He also says he doesn’t love me anymore.
What should I do now?
admin
July 7, 2014 at 5:52 pm
I know what he is saying but what are his actions saying? Are his actions consistent with someone who has fallen out of love?
M
June 22, 2014 at 6:39 am
Hi Chris!
So after 4 years of dating, my boyfriend and I broke up amicably. I implemented no contact immediately and was very disciplined. I contacted him after the NC period and went on two dates (1st date I asked him out, 2nd date he asked me out) with him, both of which went extremely well. Our text conversations have been great as well although I have been the one who has initiated the conversations mostly. At the end of my second date with my ex I asked him where this is going and he said he wants to be friends, that this is what he wants at this time. I texted him the next morning and told him I can’t be friends right now because I still have feelings and it would be too confusing. I said maybe someday it could happen but not now.
It’s so confusing hearing this from him because we have been getting along so well! Everything seemed like when we were a couple again, I thought we were on the way to mending things and getting back together. He has told me I looked great when I have seen him and our conversations in person and via text have been engaging.
I don’t know how to proceed. Should I implement no contact again? I know it may not be as effective as the first time. I would love to work things out with him but know that at this point it may not become a reality.
Thanks,
M
admin
June 22, 2014 at 3:46 pm
Why didn’t you just keep going on dates to keep influencing him?
Marianna
June 22, 2014 at 5:01 pm
I wanted to find out where he stood, I don’t want to be stringed along! Have I ruined my chances now?
Marianna
June 23, 2014 at 4:42 am
What would you recommend I do? I was worried about getting friend-zoned 🙁 I didn’t want to be taken advantage of and have him enjoy all the benefits of a girlfriend figure in his life without any of the responsibilities.
Jenny
July 3, 2014 at 1:53 am
I am in the same situation Marianna! I don’t know what to do either!
Michelle
June 17, 2014 at 10:52 pm
Hi, my boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me totally out of the blue 3 weeks ago. I did the usual things which didnt work but the thing that makes it harder to understand is that we are both in our 40’s and both had previous 15-20 year relationships with othrr people where we didnt feel love as we do for eachother in this short time. It sounds crazy but on our second date we both knew and we knew eachother knew we were the one eachother had looked for all our lives. He told me he couldnt handle a relationship after being on his own and he knew he would ruin my life at some point. I couldn’t understand this at all but now believe it is because of how his ex partner was with him, she did some awful things and somehow because of that he genuinely believes he will ruin my life. He is a very genuine person and has told me a few times he doesn’t want to lose me from his life altogether and wants to stay friends. I told him I couldn’t do that as we love eachother which he admits. But faced with a choice of friends or nothing I changed my mind and told him we can be friends. He has said he will meet this week or I can go to his to watch a movie. I have said I will but we havent set an exact date yet. He lives 35 miles away and has said I can stay over and he will sleep on the sofa, which I know he definitely will as he is not the type of man to want FWB. I am hoping once there and we wat h a film and start talking he might change his mind and decide he wants a relationship again, if not do I continue to see him bearing in mind I have agreed to friendship as opposed to nothing or do I then do no contac t in the hope he misses me. Im just scared it backfires and I lose him altogether. I know hes the one I searched for all my life.
admin
June 18, 2014 at 1:42 pm
Well, I mean you can try to so the couch thing but doing so pretty much prevents you from doing a tactic with NC.
Teresa
June 16, 2014 at 1:56 am
My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me about 2 &1/2 weeks ago, after a rather shocking 2-week period in which he started to doubt that our relationship was on the right track. Now I’m about 9 days into NC. When he “ended” things (by saying he “thinks” he wants to break up) he said he didn’t want to lose me as a friend, and he hoped that eventually I could separate our relationship from friendship feelings for him. At the time I told him that I didn’t know if that would ever work for me.
Anyhow.. Since I’ve started NC he has continued to like and occasionally comment on my facebook posts, and send me links to things on the internet that he thinks I might like. I am avoiding his profile and not responding in any way, but do you think this is a good sign or that he is just reiterating that he wants to be “friends” by interacting with my facebook things?
admin
June 16, 2014 at 2:21 pm
I think its good that he is commentin gand doing things of that nature.
Teresa
June 16, 2014 at 2:16 am
And I guess today is the first time he has commented on anything, in the past it a just been links in a message and an occasional like here or there.
And the post wasn’t anything exciting, it was about my dog who I know he loves.
Samantha
June 14, 2014 at 2:02 am
My ex boyfriend broke up with me 1 month ago. During the first two weeks, I begged him to fix our relationship but he told me friends only. So I requested if we can be bestfriends. He agreed. I tried to do the NC but, after 3 days he kept on calling and texting me so I replied on him. After that time, I tried NC again and broke it again for about 4-6 times. I guess I am already friendzoned because he views me as just a bestfriend and I was very confused if I can get him back? Should I tell him that I dont want to be bestfriends with him because I wanted to move on and after I move on I can already stay as bestfriends with him? Or should I just stay silent suddenly without saying any word on him? What should I do? Help, please.
admin
June 15, 2014 at 4:17 pm
If you truly want to move on.
Samantha
June 14, 2014 at 2:07 am
Or should I tell him that I will cut any means of communication on him because it’s so hard for me because I really love him? I told him once that I’ll never contact him again if he doesn’t want me in his life anymore, but if he still wants, he should make an effort. At that time, I didn’t contact him then after 5 days, he suddenly texted me and told me if I want to go out with him.
Ruth
June 10, 2014 at 1:11 am
I did NC, then afterwards, I reconnected with him via email (and in it, I mentioned I had accepted the break-up and thought it was a good idea) and he said that he was hoping I would contact him. We texted for a bit and he would also occasionally even send me emails. I think I got a bit too eager, though I tried not to (e.g. I should have been cooler and waited awhile to reply, but I tended to reply pretty soon after). Anyway, we ended up meeting up a few days ago for lunch (I asked him) since we work near each other. It was generally good (I made sure to look my best, and during NC, I did become a better version of myself, am more positive and I think I showed that positivity during our lunch meeting, etc. I have also been keeping busy with my life and we talked about some of the things we have both been up to). He paid for lunch and told me I could get it next time. Later that afternoon, I sent him a text to say that it was nice to reconnect and hang out, and thanks for lunch. He did reply but he mentioned that it was nice to have a new “lunch friend” so it sounds like I have been friend zoned. Even a bit prior to our lunch meeting, we had slowed down on the texting and emailing, and definitely now as well (compared to when we first reconnected – e.g. it is always me who initiates now, including just prior to our lunch meeting). I think I should stop initiating now – what do you think? Also, what should my next steps be? How do I get out of the friend zone? Should I go back to NC? (will he not care and think I lost interest since meeting him?) Or should I just go with the flow and see what happens (just be the better version of myself when we meet again, etc.). Not sure where to go from here…
admin
June 10, 2014 at 3:49 pm
Yup, you might also want to check out my guide on making a man fall in love with you.
Ruth
June 12, 2014 at 4:59 am
How long should I do NC for this time? got an email from him today with a one liner and a forward of something he thought I would like. I ignored it as I am trying NC again. Also, which specific article is it (the title)? Thanks!
Gina
June 8, 2014 at 8:58 pm
Hi! Please help!
I did the NC period immediatley following the breakup, we started texting again and met up for a fun weekend (2 months later). I let him know I was not going to accept a FWB situation. He kept up the contact but was not ready to “commit”. I wrote him a goodbye e-mail letting him know I accept the decision but communication with him has to stop. He never responded back (even though we were talking daily at this point). Why would someone just NOT respond? Is it time to move on? Go back into NC?
admin
June 9, 2014 at 3:05 pm
Go back into NC…
Ala
May 31, 2014 at 1:26 am
Greetings,
I come searching for advice since I have yet to figure out the answer for myself.
My boyfriend and I broke up about a week ago. He was the one who instigated the break up by using text then saying come get your stuff. This provoked an even bigger fight between us. About five days after breaking up and trying to go no contact I just gave up and thought I’d tell him I missed him and start to move on.
This sparked him to say lets be friends. Now I wasn’t impressed with this since we have been friends for four years and dated for a year and a half. Throughout our relationship he’s dictated these breaks and space he needed over any little thing. He now texts me non stop about his day and everything that is going on like how his phone broke and he got new one or that the dog misses me. I told him how I felt about us and what us talking was causing. He continues to text me daily and want to talk. His biggest excuse is he wants to help me get over him since no ex would do that for him. I don’t know what to make of this.
Through all this texting I finally told him look if you are going to text me it can’t always be about you. I told him he needed to ask me about stuff too and make an effort. He’s made an effort to contact me and ask me questions.
What exactly could his intentions be? I don’t know if he just wants company since she said he doesn’t fair well alone and misses the companionship; or he just wants to keep me locked down in his sights like a hunter with an animal making sure that I can’t move on.
He knows how this is making stuff feel and it’s not like I wouldn’t like him back but I have no idea what to make of anything he has said in the five days.
Jenny
May 26, 2014 at 10:22 am
Hi, so my boyfriend broke up with me just under 2 weeks ago. We are both 18 and had been together just over a year and a half.
We’d arranged for him to come round to my house for tea, but I knew we were ‘talking about things’ also. So when he came over, I asked about what he wanted to talk about and he went on to say how he ‘couldn’t handle a relationship’ and just doesn’t want a relationship anymore. Obviously I went into total embarrassing meltdown and cried and cried and got angy too. To my surprise, he was in tears too (he is not the type to show his emotions like that!) He assured me that he hadn’t just randomly gone off me and cared a lot about me, but a relationship was ‘too much’. Personally, I didn’t find it too much at all as I’m not a massively needy person in a relationship and the weekends prior to the breakup he acted perfectly happy and normal. When I mentioned this to him, he said at that point he didn’t know he was going to break up with me (as I questioned why he carried on acting romantic etc) however I do find this hard to believe as this was 5 days before he broke up with me? I’ve made him swear that he’s not telling me that he can’t handle a relationship to cover anything up and he promises he is being honest and genuine, which I do believe. He did say though, when at my house, ‘this is just a different us’, as he wants to remain close friends and ‘very much wants me as a part of his life’. We’ve met up since and texted etc, trying to talk about being friends, but clearly it is too difficult for me to contemplate right now, as we were both each other’s first loves. I just can’t understand how he can be happy going to a friendship after everything and seems so certain that he doesn’t want a relationship, when he hasn’t acted gradually more distant or anything,hence why it feels so out of the blue. He said he had a few gradual thoughts that he couldn’t handle a relationship, and then more so, but hadn’t decided he was going to end it at the weekend to prior when he did end it (only a few days before). He said obviously he’s still attracted to me and does have feelings for me, but doesn’t want to have those feelings as he doesn’t want a relationship. He assured me it’s not because of anything I’ve done or because he doesn’t like me anymore. We are both in the midst of our A-levels and I asked if the stress of the exams are contributing to his decision, but he said no, but the stress probably has made the situation explode a little more than it would have done otherwise. So, he seems pretty set on his decision that he can’t deal with a relationship, but is very set on us having a close friendship and being able to go for days out etc. This confuses me? I think I’ve come across a bit crazy lately by bombarding him with texts and I realise that’s wrong now and will definitely stop! He seems concerned about not ruining any friendship we may have in the future. He’s guaranteed he’s not going to go and get another girlfriend, as it’s not me that’s the problem. He just doesn’t want a girlfriend for a matter of years? We are both due to go to the same business school within the same university in September and we will be at a lot of social events together in the summer, such as friends’ gatherings due to a lot of mutual friends. He says he wants to make sure we’re okay for university. So, it has been a week and a half since the break up has happened. Am I too late to start no contact? Or is it best not to do that and to support each other through exams? Baring in mind he was my best friend too and I was close with his parents, so this is very difficult! His friends seem to think that things will rekindle after exams because he’s just stressed at the moment, but my (now ex) seems to be pretty convinced that a relationship is just too much at this time in his life. What do I do? It doesn’t seem like he’s upset but was in tears last week? I don’t want his feelings to fizzle out for me. Please help! I was really happy in our relationship and I don’t want him to be able to look at me without any feelings. I don’t know how he’s feeling deep down and if he’s hurting or if it’s likely he won’t hurt at all or if he will hurt later on if I move on? What’s the best thing to do?
admin
May 27, 2014 at 2:32 pm
I think hes hurting deep down.
Hes probably just too stubborn to show it.
Jenny
May 28, 2014 at 9:47 am
What is the best thing to do? I really miss him.
Jenny
May 31, 2014 at 1:44 pm
Please help! I’m in NC now and have been for a few days. Will he miss me?
Emily
May 18, 2014 at 7:57 pm
We were FWB first, started dating bc i said i couldnt do it anymore and he was scared to loose me, so then we have been together for almost 4 years, moved in together, then he broke up with me 8 months in( 2 months ago). He said he wasn’t happy, that overall he felt he wanted to be on his own and worry abt his self and his future, that i should focus on me for once since i never do and that really the friendship wasn’t the same anymore and that was what he liked abt us the most and why he thought a relationship would even work. He’s right and our relationship became more abt our future then out present and I think I didn’t give him enough space.
He wants us to stay friends, and I want that because he really is like my best friend. Also we have some commitments together that won’t be over for awhile, so we have to talk. Which is why I am having trouble with NC., he wants to be friends, do I just not talk to him at all? Then what do I do when we have to talk abt anything financial we still share for now? Do I keep it short and business like? What if he wants to hang out, when we broke up we said we would be there for each other bc of everything we’ve been through. I don’t know what to do or how I should implement NC here. I feel like I’ve failed. I started NC wed. But called Sunday abt some money stuff, then he started catching me up on his life impromptu and we talked for 20 min (where he told me that he hadnt called before bc he thought we needed time, not bc he didnt want to talk to me) but he ended it by saying he had to go eat. So I didn’t even get to really control the convo. :/ also he has said the door to us getting back together is never really closed, but he wants to see me change, prove I can be my own person first. I just don’t know what to do.
admin
May 20, 2014 at 9:04 pm
Why does he want to see you change? Why do you have to change? What did you do wrong in the first place?
Emily
May 21, 2014 at 3:53 pm
Well basically there are 4 big things he felt weren’t changing that he couldn’t handle anymore:
My weight: when we started dating I was overweight, but he knew how I really wanted to loose weight. Then I went to doc who said i was pre-diabetic. So now after 4 years I’ve sadly gained like 40lbs more he said he felt like he couldn’t trust me and it was scary and to worry abt me and frustrating when I didn’t even seem to really try to because I didn’t go to gym much and kept jumping on different diets all the time.
I tend to try to win arguments instead of just let them go (my parents even say I do this a lot) and he was mad that his opinion never seemed to matter and that I did this to everyone.
He thought I took care of him and everyone around me too much, even those who didn’t do anything in return for me. I did it so much and I wouldn’t really take care of me and my own needs. Like i would babysit for free instead of go to the gym, or lend money out; and for friends who didn’t even appreciate it much.
He said he wanted an individual not a slave. He wanted partner not a mom.
So he felt we should also break up because he wanted to worry about himself and also wanted me to focus on myself and also to have some experiences he felt I should have alone. He always felt my parents take care of me too much and i don’t know how to be on my own.
Lastly he said the friendship we had wasn’t what it used to be. He felt like he couldn’t talk to me, that I didn’t listen or let him vent or have those long conversations we used to have. And for him, our friendship, being best friends, was like the biggest thing he liked about us and without it, he didn’t think it was worth it.
He said if these things changed that maybe we could try again someday, but at this time he didn’t see it happening because in the last year he just really stopped believing I would do it.
Gina
May 14, 2014 at 4:25 am
Ok so i’m following your advice, he me that our relationship was beyond repair…. It was then that i decided to accept his offers of friendship. I have implemented the no contact rule since that day and he texted me a ” hi. How are you” text two weeks later. I did not reply but His birthday is in 8 days.
What should I do?
admin
May 14, 2014 at 4:11 pm
Don’t wish him a happy birthday if you are still in NC.
Gina
May 15, 2014 at 11:35 am
Actually his birthday is a Thursday and the 30 days of no contact end the Saturday on the same week, this is the reason I have doubts
PD
May 13, 2014 at 10:53 am
I was a rebound girl. But we fell hard and fast. He started to turn on me and after one really bad weekend (don’t think we had argued once the whole six months), he said he needed time. Two weeks later, in so many words, he broke up with me. I was devastated. Didn’t go too crazy…a couple of texts. A couple of calls, and a short letter. About a week ago in a rebuttal of sorts, I wrote him a short final classy goodbye letter thanking him for forgiving me for some bad behavior on my part.I have not contacted him anymore. So I guess you could say I’m on day 9 now of nc. Anyway on day 5, I get a random email pertaining to a joke we had had. Day 6 he comments about a picture of mine on fb, and I find out he had been to an event I was at, day 7 I get a like on fb. Day 8 a text saying he saw me at said event and was going ton come speak but was afraid of how I would react, etc. I have responded to none of this. Should I? The two main qualities I would use to describe him probably would be stubborn and sensitive. Thank you.
admin
May 13, 2014 at 5:38 pm
How long did you date?
PD
May 14, 2014 at 2:52 pm
6 months
PD
May 13, 2014 at 10:33 pm
6 months. Last email (and contact before all if this) he said he thought a lot of me and wanted to be friends. I in turn told him I could not be friends (other than fb) because it was too painful.
PD
May 13, 2014 at 8:38 pm
6 months. Intense. Talked of marriage. I’m still not sure what caused all of this. Btw he will be 50 this month. I am 47 . ..if that means anything.
admin
May 14, 2014 at 4:01 pm
Has he been married before?
PD
May 14, 2014 at 6:19 pm
Yes. Was married for about 15 years. Has been divorced for about 10 years. Has a 17 year old daughter he adores, but suddenly does not get to see much.
Last 7 years he was in another relationship with a woman who has 3 kids. He broke it off with her (according to him) after about 6 years. They got back together within a couple of months, then a year later (Aug/Sept 2013) she broke up with him.
He and I met in Oct 2013. He broke up with me April 2014.
BTW, I think he may have some identity issues…but that is just a guess. Thanks.
admin
May 15, 2014 at 2:08 pm
What makes you say he has identity issues!
PD
May 16, 2014 at 1:31 pm
Because for the last 7 years his routine was: he lived and worked alone in one city. Every weekend he would come back to stay at his parent’s house (another town) and his daughter (whom he adores) would come too (from yet another town). He would spend the weekend with his daughter, his girlfriend, and her kids. The daughter and the girlfriend were the focus in his life. Well all of a sudden, last fall, the girlfriend breaks up with him and almost simultaneously the daughter starts dating and she quits coming as well. So “who am I”. He is also a very routine-oriented person anyway. These are just some thoughts I have.
PD
May 15, 2014 at 2:53 pm
Because for the last 7 years he had had a very set routine. Lives by himself during the week and each weekend he would come back to his hometown and spend the weekend with his daughter (who lived in yet another town during the week), his girlfriend, and her kids. All of a sudden the girlfriend is gone, and the daughter starts dating so she no longer comes to see him on weekends either. They seemed to be the main focus in his life. So now “who am I?” This is all just conjecture on my part.
Ashley
May 7, 2014 at 3:48 pm
My ex and I would have been together for 5 years this month. About a year ago, i moved away for a good job with his blessing. We agreed it was something I needed to do for me and for us. A few months back we began having problems and he stopped communicating with me. We broke up on Valentine’s Day when he didn’t message or call me to say “Happy Valentine’s Day” and didn’t even acknowledge my gift. I called him very upset and we broke up. He called me5 days later and said he was miserable without me and wanted to see if we could try this again…so I agreed. Once we were back together I found out in the time we had not been communicating ( still together before the break up), he had been spending a lot of time with a co-worker/friend. At first I didn’t think anything of it but then I noticed that everytime I spoke to him he would always been with her doing something with her and her kids, or helping her and her fiancée move, or helping her bake a cake for her grandfather,or just hanging out. I told him several times that I felt like he was being treated like her boyfriend not her friend and I was uncomfortable with it. He assured me I had nothing to worry about but nothing changed. We went on like this for a while until I went to visit. When I arrived after having not seen him in a year, I was overcome with emotion and I just hugged him. I felt like he missed me too. I met his “friend” and everything seemed fine. Over the course of my visit though, it seemed like he was distant, sort of cold to me. He wasn’t affectionate, said he was trying to decide if this is what he really still wanted. I tried to ignore the constant texting from him “friend” and other people the whole time but it got to be too much. It’s like I wasn’t important. I had a meltdown in the middle of the trip and we stopped speaking for 3 days. I sent him a message telling him how I felt and that if there was any small chance for us, he knew where to find me. He messaged me later saying he wanted to meet for breakfast. When we met, he gave me my promise ring back and said this was the last time, that his deal breakers were me taking work stress out on him. We hung out the rest of the day at an amusement park and things seemed great. Later that night he said he didn’t feel anything for me, that he felt like just my friend. I continued to try to work on this the rest of the time I was there but as soon as I got back to my city, when we talked…it felt like he didn’t even want to talk to me. I asked him if he was ready to be done with us…and he said yes. He said we could be friends but he didn’t see us ever getting back together again.
I didn’t speak to him for a week and then I texted him and we talked. We agreed that communication was a problem and we didn’t handle the bad times well at all. We agreed to speak later and when we did, the conversation was very generic ( movies, tv shows, jokes…). At the end, I slipped up and called him “baby”.
I have not heard from him in 3 days. I don’t want to be just his friend, I love him. What should I do?
admin
May 8, 2014 at 4:17 pm
It sounds like the conversation went well.
How did he react to the “baby?”
Ashley
May 8, 2014 at 7:26 pm
He waited a second and then said “later”. I replied “later” and hung up the phone. That was 4 days ago. Just this morning he texted me “morning”. What do I do. I really love him and miss him terribly but I don’t want to end up as just his friend.
admin
May 9, 2014 at 3:31 pm
He is initiating stuff so that is good.
I can’t remember, are you in NC? If you aren’t then I say respond and try to have a meaningful conversation.
Ashley
May 9, 2014 at 4:09 pm
Well technically, I believe I am in NC considering I texted him a week after the break when we had that general conversation and haven’t spoken to him for 5 days now. Does that count as being in NC? If so, then should I not respond to his message? Interestingly enough, he is still not really speaking to his family and friends he used to hang out with … only people from this job he has ( he changed when he started working there – total 180). His sisters and mother say he doesn’t even realize they aren’t speaking to him. It’s like he cut anyone who loves him out of his life and is relying on these new ‘friends’ for all his support eventhough they are seriously misguiding him.
Ashley
May 12, 2014 at 1:19 pm
So I started a very casual conversation with my ex. We had some laughs and joked a bit. I told him I was glad we could be friends, trying to keep it light and casual. During the conversation he flirted with me a couple of times but I kept it cool and didn’t fee into it. This was yesterday. do I wait for him to contact me back or do I initiate again? Please help
Ashley
May 8, 2014 at 6:21 pm
He waited a little while and then replied “later”. I replied “later” and hung up. Today he sent me a text message saying “morning”. I don’t know what to do. I still love him so much but I don’t want to end up just his friend.