What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Just Wants To Be Friends- Get Out Of The Friend Zone

1,563 thoughts on “The Friend Zone: What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Just Wants To Be Friends”

KB

March 20, 2017 at 10:08 pm

My boyfriend broke up with me 9 days ago claiming he just wants to be my friend. We dated for about a year. He admitted he has intimacy issues and can’t allow himself to be vulnerable. That is part of it. I personally think he just doesn’t know what he wants and wants to have the option to “test the waters” of the dating pool but keep me as a back-up. I initiated no contact after the break-up but he texted me yesterday telling me he was “thinking of me and hoping I was ok and to enjoy my weekend”. I did not want to feed into his ego by telling him I miss him and want him back. I ignored him until today ( I waited 1.5 days to respond). I just said “I’m fine. Hope you are well. Take care”. He immediately replied (which he never does) and said “Thanks, hope we can still be friends.”

How should I respond or should I even bother responding?

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 24, 2017 at 9:03 pm

Hi Kb,
I hope you restarted nc..

Penny

March 19, 2017 at 11:47 am

Hi Amor,

I know my chances are really low compared to others. Here’s my story.

I talked to this guy from tinder for about 6 months before getting to meet in person (different continents). Before we met, I told him i like him. He said he only see me as a friend. I asked him for one thing: just don’t build a wall and think that it’s impossible when we meet. He told me right at the start he doesn’t want LDR.

We met. He said it was more than friends. I came home.

For the first month I was whiny and shit. 2nd month improved a little. 2 weeks ago i pre-empt him about going to visit. The next day, he brought up travelling together.

The following day we talked about how happy we were when we were together. I brought up the trip… And he said if we do the trip he would be really sad when t ends and he would go into depression. He wants to feel, but not like this. So it went from he will think about the trip, to 99% no trip, to “i think we should move on”. He said he would still want me to be his friend because he still want me in his life. He agreed to go day by day, but still say we should move on. I think he already did.

I will be there in a year as I plan to do further studies. What should I do? I know that if we meet, he would feel. Problem now is he doesn’t want to meet. He doesn’t want me to fly just to see him.

We have been talking on and off. I want to try the cliffhanger text but I don’t know if I would ever have the chance. I am ok if we are “friends” and meet in a year… But a year is a long time.

I’m sorry for such a long post. I am well aware that my chances are much lower than others… But I really do want him in my life and back to talking.

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 24, 2017 at 8:54 am

Hi penny,

if you’re trying to friendzone yourself, yes, continue texting but if you want to increase your chances, follow the advice above..try the no contact rule

Michele

March 18, 2017 at 4:30 pm

My ex boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago because of the distance and he felt like we were growing apart. He said he had already moved on and he still wanted to be friends. I tried returning to him, asking why and what I did wrong. Which I regret now because I looked desperate. I’ve been trying the No Contact rule for the past 2 days and it’s hard, but it’s going to be worth it if I can get him back. Do I have a chance of getting him back? I’m nervous that he won’t contact me at all for the 30 day period of time. I haven’t contacted him since I was being desperate and I’ve been posting stuff on social media about me being happy in the single life without him. I haven’t heard a peep out of him since. If I could have a chance then I can purchase the program but I want to make sure that I can have a chance.
Thank you for your time.

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 22, 2017 at 3:01 pm

Hi Michele,

we cant guarantee that you will get your ex back for sure..It’s ok if he doesn’t contact you during nc..you can initiate after..check the links below too:
The Complete Guide To Getting An Ex Boyfriend Back In A Long Distance Relationship

What It Takes To Make A Long Distance Relationship Work

Erin P.

March 14, 2017 at 1:24 am

Hello Amor,

My ex boyfriend and I have been apart “as friends” for about 5 weeks, 4 with sporadic texting (my initiation) and last week was nc. I want to go at least 30 days. I have found some independence again so it’s much easier this time, but I have some concerns about my situation.

My ex and I were initially friends for 1 year, had a fight about whether we should date (I was tired of flirting going nowhere), and I ignored him/refused to be friends for 10-11 months. After that he started pursuing me and we dated for 3 months; now we’re broken up. I texted him right before nc that I would like to hear from him like actual friends, but I would let him initiate contact. Now, I fear being seen as a flip flopper if I try to text and dominate.

I would consider ignoring him again, but the first time around we were seeing each other at church meetings twice weekly. I don’t know if I can stay on his mind after our church breaks up in two weeks? But I should stick with nc and what I told him, at least for a month. Maybe master the art of Facebook updates…

I know I have a lot of changes I need to make for myself and whoever I date in the future. I know my ex and I would both need a Long Timeline to become more compatible if ever.

What should be my goal right now, and which articles would you refer me to?

Thank you so much, Amor.

Erin P.

April 19, 2017 at 1:05 pm

I’m here to testify that NC got me well out of the friendzone. 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor

April 25, 2017 at 10:14 pm

thanks Erin!
Erin P.

April 8, 2017 at 11:23 pm

Update: I realize I accidentally broke nc on day 20. I “reacted” to one of his texts, and I had not realized that “reactions” get sent to him.

That slip-up exactly happened exactly the day before he said, “See you Tuesday” and he has openly tried to make eye contact again since.

I am half-excited by his reactions but am also afraid that I may have to restart nc.
What should I do? Thank you, Amor.
EBR Team Member: Amor

April 10, 2017 at 3:14 pm

i think it’s ok to just extend a week more
Erin P.

April 7, 2017 at 9:45 pm

Hi Amor,

I have another question.
My ex notices eye contact (or lack thereof) as much as words.

He is in the habit of seeking my acknowledgement by trying to make eye contact & saying “morning/bye” or “see you Tuesday.”

So I’ve avoided eye contact at all costs, and only said the variations of “goodbye.”

Last time we saw each other, he came up to me, said “see you Tuesday,” & didn’t make eye contact. I glanced up quickly and saw his face was scary, like his poker face.
I looked back down at my book & said, “Oh. Okay. See you Tuesday.”

Considering that interaction, am I ignoring him effectively & appropriately?
Erin P.

March 22, 2017 at 1:33 am

Hmm, that happens to be the last day I’m obligated (and have an excuse) to see him in person.

Should I keep ignoring him in person and text him later in the day.. or strike up a conversation?

I don’t know if the timing will make it look like a “change of heart” on my part, also.
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 25, 2017 at 1:06 pm

if it’s more natural to talk in person,do it..
Erin P.

March 17, 2017 at 6:53 pm

Hi Amor,

Thankfully I didn’t say I would ignore him, but I did tell him I wouldn’t initiate contact.. which I regret. And he’s not the type to reach out much.

I’m betting on Facebook updates and almost completely ignoring him at church. The latter is definitely noticed.
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 21, 2017 at 5:31 pm

ok..but I thinj you need to initiate after more than 30 days, maybe 35..
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 15, 2017 at 5:04 pm

Hi Erin,

wait, you told him you’re going to ignore him for a month?

Ally

March 13, 2017 at 8:33 pm

Hey,
Me and my boyfriend were dating for a year. We had a disagreement which led to him ignoring me for a week. I ended up breaking up with him because I thought he had ignored an important text that I sent on purpose. I sent it a week after our disagreement.
He said he didn’t read the text yet and that he wasn’t always going to be there at the exact moment something happened, but he would help and support in my situation.

The next day we ended up talking it out and saying how we felt about our misunderstandings. When I asked if we were dating he said we could be friends for now and try again when his work situation was more stable or when he could see me more often.
We’ve had great text conversation after that for a few days. I’ve done no contact for 7 days. He said he wants to be friends at the moment. But I want him back. Any advice? Thanks for the help

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 15, 2017 at 4:51 pm

Hi Ally,

he’s trying to friendzone you.. restart the count of nc and follow the advice above..

Jenny

March 2, 2017 at 7:38 pm

My boyfriend was forced to break up with me by his parents and religious reasons. His family is very muslim. However, they don’t live in the same country as us, so they didn’t know until his uncle who does lives in the same city as us saw us, while we were out together, and told his parents about us. His parents gave him a hard time and recited religious teachings from the Qu’ran, muslim religion forbidding dating and a sin to date a non muslim. However, he is not a deceitful person and definitely didn’t play with me for fun. He was very sincere with me in all of what he said and did and his feelings towards me as well. He seemed in a stressful state, when he told me we had to break up. We were very alike in character and personality and had a particularly similar interest and liking for banters and comebacks which created this bond. It was rare to have this similar kind of humour I have and love, so I don’t want to lose such a rare friend and comeback partner He himself said we could be friends, but then after a week or two when I met him, he was cold to me and when I texted him he didn’t reply. I thought afterwards that I might have texted him too early on, and I texted him to meet up for a talk, maybe that wasn’t that well thought through on my side, as it might have been hard to meet then too. But as he ignored me, I got angry and sent several messages on top of that, no response either. So I decided maybe it was the best to not speak to him at all. When I met him around, I looked away, I think he was even looking my direction though. I still really want to talk to him and be friends. I am afraid to try, as I am scared of being disappointed again. When is it suited to speak to each other again? What is a good way to approach it? Given the muslim case is there a chance to become friends again?

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 3, 2017 at 12:38 pm

Hi Jenny,

do you want to try the no contact rule? if you’re both young, it’s less likely that he would have courage to go againat his parents wishes..

Sam

February 15, 2017 at 12:28 am

Hi all,
Im just after some advice. I’ve been with the guy 2 years after 1 year we split as I moved location, we were broken up for 1 year but never went to long without contact he always initiated, found myself back in the same area and we pretty much took off where we left.
Recently I ended things because he wouldn’t give me a commitment.
Started no contact, exactly a week after I got a sorry message, continue to another week later another sorry message and week after that he asked if we could meet up because he didn’t want things to end the way they had.
I have a lot of things at his house and responded with a message telling him nothing he said could change what had happened, but i would like to collect my things. We met the day after in a mutual space, gardens and we spoke almost as if nothing had happened, spoke for half an hour and he walked me home, he asked for a hug as i went to leave so i gave him a hug and he said he had something else to give me and would see me another time.
Two hours later that night I got a message very plain just saying thanks.
I responded and now 3 days later I haven’t heard a word for him, I just am so confused as to what to do now, is he happy now that he knows I don’t absolutely hate him, is that all he wanted? Does he want to just be friends, I am so stuck and so confused!
Please any advice would be fantastic

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 15, 2017 at 6:02 pm

Hi Sam,

honestly, probably yes. He doesn’t feel guilty anymore. So, he’s at peach.. Did you improve yourself in the last weeks?

Caitlin

February 13, 2017 at 12:41 am

Hey,
Me and my boyfriend were dating for just over 4 months. He left me because of my anxiety, he basically thought it’d take years for me to change (When i know it won’t), i think he found me a little too clingy and needy.
He said he didn’t love me anymore.
But on the day he left me (we sat and talked for hours) he was still hugging me loads and even kissing me still (even when he left my house and we said goodbye)

I’ve tried no contact but it’s just not going to be possible. We have a lot of mutual friends and there’s often social events which we both go to. I’ve done no contact for one week and we talked once on facebook after 7 days.
He says to my friends that he wants to still be friends with me.
But obviously I want more than that. I really want him back but as I said, no contact just isn’t an option at the moment. Any advice? thanks.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 13, 2017 at 11:46 pm

Hi Caitlin,

that’s too short… because right now, if he thinks you’re clingy, his perspective of you will not change if you’re always there.. it just confirms, you’re not changing and probably still hoping.. and now, it looks like he wants to friendzone you too.. even if it’s not a guarantee that nc will work, what I’m sure is, one way or another you have to change something in your life and that starts with improving yourself. Attraction is from desire, desire is felt with something you dont have.. desire in a stable relationship is reignited with absence or distance because the both are not always available because both have their own lives..
when the guy thinks that his partner is amazing, a good and caring partner and that he will lose her if he doesn’t put effort because she will not hesitate on leaving because she has standards, the right guy will step up because he knows the girl is willing to do her part in the relationship and not lose herself and continue to improve herself and life at the same time..

but when a guy thinks you’re clingy, that more likely means you don’t have a life but him.. it’s like he views you as a responsibility and that there’s no mystery in you anymore that he would be interested with..

the reason why nc is effective most of the time is because even if you improve yourself, if you’re still always present, he would start to think you’re doing it for him. Therefore, there’s still no feeling of interest from him..There’s no feeling of losing you if you’re always there.. That’s why most of the time, the exes wanted to be friends because that way he doesn’t lose you but doesn’t have to go back with you to keeo talking to you..

Erin

February 12, 2017 at 12:19 pm

So right now, I’m very confused and going through a breakup and unsure if any of this will work for me. My boyfriend and I were bestfriends before we started dating, when we first met we both had other partners, cut to three years later, both single and getting really close and I end up liking him, so we end up together. It’s long distance. Same state just a few hours away. We weren’t together long ( 3 months ) before he pulled the, I can’t do this anymore, I stopped loving you, maybe I never loved you in the first place. So I do the crazy girlfriend thing, 37 text in 12 hours, yikes I know. He was very understanding because of my mental illness ( Chronic OCD ) and I was obsessing on trying to talk to him. So he pulls the, lets go back to friends card. But he dances around it, does ” maybe one day if things are right we will end up being together again but right now I think we should just be friends, but I’m not ruling anything out. ” so being desperate I was like ok ok whatever you want. So we tried to talk as friends, but he just kept ignoring me. So I snapped and go crazy, about like ” oh if you are my friend still you should care that Im hurting, you were my friend first, how could you be so cruel! ” and you know what he does, he ignores it. So I was like fine then, I can play that game too. So I haven’t reached out or been needy for 5 days I think. But here is where it gets more complicated. He lives with one of my other bestmates, so they are hanging out nonstop and having a blase, my ex is happy, he has freedom and all that. But I call my friend who lives with him, just to talk, and said friend tells my ex to contact me when he feels ready. So I finally got a text off my ex, but only after I spoke to our mutual friend. It says ” I know you needed time to think, how are you feeling? 🙁 ” so Im like yay, finally something, but he only sent it because the mutal friend told him too. Also, we have an event in like three weeks at the house they both live at. Not to mention we game with the same crowd. So what on earth do I do? Do I still continue NC until that event? And does NC work if he can still see when I’m online gaming or on facebook? Because he pulled the friends card, we haven’t deleted one another. I just don’t know what course to keep on. I’m very confused and feel like he is so happy without me and only reached out because of said friend. 🙁

Erin

February 17, 2017 at 2:15 pm

Okay, thank you for clearing that up. I understand now what you are saying. That I need to let go of thinking I will get what we had back, because that is never going to happen. But to focus on improving the problems we had because of my issues, and slowly rebuild a new relationship, a better one. A restart. After no contact of course. I’m sorry if I seemed rude. I understand now that I need to let go and spend this time actively working on myself and maybe in three weeks, reconnect with him and see if we can build new. After all he said he wanted to stay friends and see if we could build back up to a point where we could be together again. Maybe a restart was all he wanted all along. Thank you for being kind and answering everyone of my comments. It’s greatly appreciated.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 17, 2017 at 8:51 pm

Nope, that’s ok. I understand. It’s actually common for an ex to be want to be friends because they still have that feeling of missing you because they’re used to having you and talking to you, but not really enough, or not in a romantic way to want you back. So, be really active in improving yourself, having your own routine that you would continue even after nc, enjoy it. Because after it, you would have to juggle that while rebuilding rapport.
Erin

February 16, 2017 at 6:11 pm

I feel like you telling me to just accept that he doesn’t love-care-miss me and to move on defeats the whole purpose of this website? I came here to try and find out whether I could get the man I loved back, not to be told he has probably moved on and is only being friendly.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 16, 2017 at 9:21 pm

Yes, that is what I’m telling, but not really too.. What I meant is it would be better to accept that he has moved on, so that the goal from there is to attract him and not to try to harness back feelings that are not there anymore. That’s why you need to treat it like a restart. Like, you’re starting over as strangers. We don’t guarantee that you would get your ex back, I hope we could though.. but nope.. We can only help you increase your chances. When you try to approach it that way, it would be less frustrating because you know that you’re not trying to figure out if he still has feelings, but you’re cultivating it. Kinda like 2 strangers slowly falling in love with each other as they get to know each other more. Your edge is, you know what his interests are already.

And also, if you do need to move on, we will say it. Because this is not a site to keep you hoping and holding on when the better option is to really move on.

but right now, do no contact process first, if it doesn’t work out, then you know you’ve done what you can in the most dignified way before moving on.
Erin

February 16, 2017 at 5:37 pm

I understand that no contact if to heal myself and I am slowly getting better. Since I last messaged him it has been 9 days, and the breakup was a week before that. I even took NC further and have disconnected from any area online where he could see me active for a little while. Including FB, Messanger, My DS and Playstation. Just so I could have a week purely for myself. So far no messages, other then the one I mentioned before that our mutual friend told him to send. I understand NC is for myself, but I came to this page seeking how to get out of the friendzone so I could maybe one day get him back. And he honestly doesn’t seem to care about no contact. So I am confused as to what to do. I am continuing NC of course …. but I just feel like he is completely over it and this isn’t doing anything to help.
Erin

February 12, 2017 at 12:31 pm

I would also like to add, that multiple times he has said he doesn’t want to string me along, that he doesn’t want to leave me on the backburner, but he also said he would ” give us time as friends. I dont jump from girl to girl. ” But the only reason he is thinking that maybe one day I’ll get a second chance is because when he dumped me I made him promise not to rule anything out. So I feel like he is humouring me because he didn’t want to hurt me more. So he promised to still be around, and game with me and text me, because I asked him too. He also said ” I still care about you. I just don’t want to say anything that makes it seem like I’m still there with you like that. I’ll be here as a friend, but not as your partner. I don’t have faith in how we were, I wanted us to work so bad. ” Mixed signals everywhere. Everyone says its pity, or because I asked him to stick around. So I’m so confused and don’t know what to do.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 13, 2017 at 8:54 pm

Hi Erin,

don’t do nc, just to make him miss you. Those are just probable feelings that he will feel. Do nc for yourself, to heal, grow and improve. It would be better if you accept that he has moved on, that he doesn’t have feelings for you anymore and that he’s just being friendly because he’s still used to having you around. Be active in improving yourself. Take this as a restart. After nc, slowly rebuild rapport while continuing to improve yourself. I think you should restart the 30 day count after he sent you a text when your friend asked him to. And tell your friend you appreciate the help but it would be better if he let your ex be.. and then just be casual and polite at the same event you’re going.

Jessica

February 10, 2017 at 3:11 am

On day 23 of no contact I broke it and then since again In am doing its it has been 31 days should I go in no contact again or just follow these friend zone method.He daily calls me and texts me and now I am getting a impression that he started forgetting me what should I do? I really think I should message him but don’t know it will work or not so please help!!

Jessica

February 12, 2017 at 1:31 am

Hello amor can u tell me what is time build rapport
Actually Jessica he used rubbish tactics so he can talk to me on day 23 he called on my mother’s cell and told me that if I won’t talk He will disturb my mom.So we had a conversation on that day and now since then means it has been 8 more days and he wants me to be his best friend.So what should I do?
Should I start no contact again of 30 days
Or should I just follow Chris advice to ends things on high notes?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 13, 2017 at 7:12 pm

sorry that was a typo.. I meant it’s time to build rapport now..

but since you answered and it’s was after a threat, that means the power is over him, which shouldn’t be. It should be equal..Because he will repeatedly do that in order to get what he wants.. And right now, he wants to be friends because he wants to do what he’s used to do until he’s comfortable enough not to talk to you anymore.. you have to talk to your mom about that or have her block his number amd then restart the no contact period..
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 10, 2017 at 5:00 pm

Hi Jessica,

Did you mean you restarted the count after you broke it? and did you mean he contacts you everyday in this second nc and you’re not answering? If you’re answering him, that’s not nc.. but if you mean you restarted the count, so all in all you did 54 days, and thst you didn’t answer, then it’s time build rapport now

Bardcore

February 5, 2017 at 10:30 pm

This was really insightful and I live for these articles.

So my ex and I had a talk last night and are no longer boyfriend and girlfriend but he did make a point to tell me that he genuinely enjoys my company and wants to be friends, and that he’ll be available if I ever need anything, which I appreciate. After our break-up, though, we got to talking about the D&D campaign we’re gonna be in with a ton of mutual friends (which isn’t for a few weeks), and we arranged to meet up tomorrow to help me create my character. I do genuinely need the help to make the character. My learning how to make D&D characters is how we first got together, so there’s that too. Can I start on N/C after I get my character figured out with his help? Naturally I’m gonna look awesome when I go see him and I’ve got plans after so it’s all good.

Thanks guys!

Bardcore

February 6, 2017 at 6:20 pm

I really appreciate your advice!

I do have an additional question though. If, at some point during N/C, he wants to meet up with me (whether it be just to talk as friends OR to (best case scenario) try dating again), how would I proceed? He’s pretty dead set on keeping me in his life to some capacity. Would I keep on with the N/C and ignore it or do I go meet up with him?

Also I’m not quite at UG status yet but I’ve been trying to improve my health (mental and physical) since before we even broke up, and I’m pretty confident I’ll be there relatively soon.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 7, 2017 at 11:17 am

if it’s just to meet, nope. But if he really says he wants to be back in a relationship with you, as boyfriend-girlfriend, then yes of course you can break it..that’s good..keep improving even after nc
Bardcore

February 5, 2017 at 11:42 pm

There currently isn’t anyone else available until after the campaign starts.

Side note: one of his best friends actually thought my ex was an absolute idiot for ending the relationship, and they’re hanging out today anyway. And his buddy’s not the type of person to just not hold someone accountable for their choices.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 6, 2017 at 1:08 pm

ok..of that’s really the only choice, start nc after it..
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 5, 2017 at 11:30 pm

Hi Bardcore,

what about getting help from other people?

Julie

February 5, 2017 at 10:08 am

Dear Amor

Last time, we talked about my situation and friendzoned. Actually, I had a dinner and watching a movie at cinema with him last night. I would like to stay this was just “hanging out between friends” however it was not I think. It was a date, well-dressed up, he paid everything for the night. He seemed a little bit nervous. No physical contact during the date by the way. After the date we said good-bye each other and as usual he said text me when I am at home. And while I was on the way back home he texted to me right away that thanks for the nice evening. I am confused what he thinks about this date and me. If we are just friends both of us should not be able to feel no intense….? And I want the second date of course. From now on, what actions will be the best way for me to have the second date?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 5, 2017 at 10:05 pm

Hi Julie,

that’s good for you. go back t9 your activities, dont be too available..let him work for your time..He should be the one thinking how to ask you for a 2nd date

lulu

February 2, 2017 at 9:39 pm

So what should i do ? Stay his best friend but without showing him or indicating that im emotionally available for him and that im not making the option of being together available ?
And does this mean that basically all we’re ever gonna have is friendship?

lulu

February 6, 2017 at 7:22 am

I wont let him know that i stayed for his educational status ill just pretend that I gave it a try as being his friend but thats not working out for me and i cant deal with such situation would that be fine ?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 6, 2017 at 2:38 pm

I still suggest you should go straight to nc, but if you really want to be friendly first, yes, that’s the best option you have
Lulu

February 5, 2017 at 10:01 am

Im planning on staying for a while now just until he get stable with his university studies and then would it be okay if I just started the NC then ? And since we talk way too much during the day should i tell him that i decided to leave because ignoring him outta no where when we contact almost throughout the whole days doesn’t feel appropriate
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 5, 2017 at 10:02 pm

it really wont feel appropriate because you made him think you’re his best friend and then you’re just going to disappear.. for me, I dont advise that you do that because you’re like mommying him and it would be harder to appear as an ungettable girl later on because you’re so available now but I respect your decision..The best you can do is tell him being friends is not really working out for you and then do at least 45 days of nc and focus in having your own life and widening your world, make new friends, date, explore and grow as a person during and after nc..
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 2, 2017 at 10:10 pm

If you’re going to stay being his friend now, more likely that’s just it. You’re going to stay his friend. If you want a higher chance of him seeing you in a different light, do not stay in the same position. Risk losing him. Do at least 30 days of nc and then focus in having a new routine, improving yourself, having your own life, meeting new people, have a makeover, be active and productive and continue that routine even after nc while slowly rebuilding rapport

Karen

February 2, 2017 at 8:30 pm

GREAT SITE!
Ok so I grew up with this guy, who is a couple years younger always had a crush on me slightly. We would talk on occasion via text or social media when one was single. But for the most part we both always were involved. Until recently he reached out on social media and asked if I was single again and why I hadn’t contacted him? I was on vacation at the time, he said have fun and text him next week and we should get together. I didn’t. A week later he text me saying good thing I didn’t hold my breath waiting for your text. We text back and forth. Ended up hanging out a few days later. Both had a great time. He always for the most part initiated the conversation. We basically talked daily consistently for 18 straight days and hung out/dates 7 times. He was 100% all about me and we had talked of taking things slower.
We bumped into his crazy ex that he has a past on and off 4 years and most recently has blocked her from all forms of communication the last few months. She approached him 2 times while we were out and was causing a scene till we left. He was uncomfortable doing the one step back while she takes one step forward and he was just shaking his head. This was a Saturday night. Sunday I could feel he was pulling away. I finally text later that afternoon and he was short. We had originally had plans to hang out but was not feeling good(aka hungover). I said I hope you feel better and he said thanks. Let it be.
Monday I text asking if he was alive and he replies right away saying he was and he hasn’t said anything bc he feels bad and needs to be single right now. Im awesome and he doesn’t want to hurt me and would be best to be friends right now.
I asked if it was something said or done Saturday night or if it was seeing her and getting in his head?
He replied, Seeing her was weird but he’s not going to talk or see her. Said he promised it was nothing I did and it’s all him, he just needs to be single and doesn’t want to hurt me, that I am too good of a person.
I followed it up with appreciate his honesty and little bummed about it all but have had a great time and he’s a great guy and not to settle for less than he deserves. NOTHING MORE monday.
Tuesday night he calls… I didn’t answer and later called back and he was chipper and asking what I was doing & then jumped into the convo please don’t be mad at me, and don’t be a stranger now… I just don’t want to hurt you and youre a great girl. I don’t want my ex, but realize I had this door wide open for her for the longest time and Ive never fully been “single”. I don’t want to realize this 2months down the road etc… Its hard to explain bc I don’t get it myself. He’s like you’re great, and actually you’re too good for me. Then basically said again dont be mad at me, and stranger comment again and said call or text me tomorrow.
Wednesday I did make mistake sending a couple snap chats but being “funny”…. no conversation further…
Today is Thursday. Im driving myself crazy if I’ve ruined this all already or is their still a chance?
Do you think seeing his ex stirred something in him and the drama of it all reminded him he didn’t want a relationship right now?
Just confused how it was all him pursuing and BOOM… I need to be single/we need to be friends right now?
Think it was going too fast even though we said slow and got freaked out?
Or is it truly just all done and over?! Did I throw myself into the friend zone? I want out… HELP! 😉

karen

February 3, 2017 at 5:32 pm

As in do the 30-day NC?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 3, 2017 at 8:49 pm

yep! I know you started, that’s good but try to restart it and then focus in improving yourself.. make him regret through your improvements..
Karen

February 3, 2017 at 4:42 pm

Thanks for the reply…
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 2, 2017
Hi Karen
more likely you are friendzoned, but why not try the advice above first?

You suggested try the advice above as in the NO CONTACT?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 2, 2017 at 9:58 pm

Hi Karen
more likely you are friendzoned, but why not try the advice above first?

lulu

February 2, 2017 at 7:20 pm

oh forgot to mention we started out as friends stayed friends for 6 months until that day he confessed and we became together..thought u should know

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 2, 2017 at 9:33 pm

Hi Lulu,

you became his rebound and now you’re friendzoned.. in order to meet the right guy and for a guy to value you and respect you, you have to respect yourself too. You have to learn to let go of the people who are not within your standards.. it’s ok, if you want to be good friends with him, but keep in mind, your actions send him a message that you’re just there waiting for him if in case it doesn’t work out with the other girl, even if you knew he left you and went back with her..So, if ever it gets well with the other girl again, it would be easy for him to repeat what he just did..

lulu

February 2, 2017 at 7:15 pm

Hi, To whose reading this.. i know this is long but please read along </3
Im kinda in a tough situation and I'm really really hesitating when it come to the NC rule cause I think this is going to cause me somethings and in a negative way.. So let me explain my situation first, so this guy i met..at first we were both crushing on different people and he was basically helping me get that guy i was crushing on but..eventually I fell for him instead but I kept quite because I knew he had feeling for that other girl tho I showed it to him, hinted him so he basically knew i had feelings for him and acted as if he didn't know tho he always treated me with so much care and talked to me in an intimate way and spends way too much time with me that at some points i suspected that maybe things are changing ?.. so after i while they got together for most likely a month or so i thought ( he later as in recently explained that they weren't officially together just acted like it and thats when he thought theres no chance and then we got together..read on all find the details) after that they broke it off and after a while he confessed that he loves me! and we got together for 5 months exactly lol.but during those 5 months i caught him going out with that same girl behind my back for couple of time not much but still..we fought about it but he always said that its nothing were just friends (which i knew anyways that they were) or ill explain everything for u later just give me some time and wed eventually just forget the whole thing..until recently when i found out..again..that they met this week without me knowing so i got so mad and confronted him…and things got complexed in a weird way..he said that i forced myself onto him from the very first (thats when i mentioned that i hinted and so) and that i forced him into this relationship but I mean come on he's the one who confessed first :/ how come did i force him lol ? anyways so 2 days ago (around 4 days after our fight) we talked about it and he explained it with a little bit of more details (i still don't have the whole story)..he said that at first as in the days where he was into that same girl (btw that girl and him has a long story as well they kinda both have feelings toward each other"long-complicated story" ) so he had feelings for her but he thought they never had a chance with each other and since i was there and hinting him and such he decided to give it a try with me </3 and so we did but during our relationship things happened between them and he realized that they do might actually have a chance with each other and thats when he had to ends things with me i guess and during the relationship he always took care of the fact that he doesn't bring me so close to him being afraid that id get hurt in the end.. anyways i did ask him tho if whether he ever did actually have feelings for me during our time or nothing at all he said that Yes he did actually have feelings for me tho i still don't know the whole story cuz i kinda cut him off and refused to talk or give him the chance to explain things but were planning on meeting up soon so he'd explain the whole thing with further details.. now my problem is that i did cut him off from the very first day all of this happened but he just wouldn't stop reaching me out calling, texting,checking up on me and to be honest i did answer him but not in my normal attitude but he just acted as if he didn't notice and kept trying to keep things normal..and when we talked he really explained that he needs me In his life so much and that why can't we stay together just because were not in a relationship he said" if blocking me from everywhere and cutting me off is what u need and would help get u a peace of mind or heal ur heart then you have the right to do so i won't stop you" well for what he says that he can't stand seeing me hurt…he strongly doesn't want to do that at all but if thats what i want he'd do it..(for me).. when i thought about it I told him that its fine and id stay in his life and love u like always i mean i can't force his feelings 🙁 but he needs me as he says he really really needs me i quote him to be specific after telling him my decision to stay he said " This might be inappropriate to say but I really need you" and after the whole conversation we had he said : "I really really missed you" ( its because i kinda cut him off for the whole week and only replied to him if he reached me out, he was trying to reach me out a lot and have couple of random conversation but i never really responded to him that much.. it like he was doing that so we don't grow apart) look he's a virgo aka very very complicated mind If i chose to do the NC rule he might think of it that i don't want to be in his life and that i chose to let go and leave and he's actually gonna respect that (according to what i already mentioned) and he might just leave and another thing we are really really close to each other he even said and i quote : " i never had or kept any female friend this close to me in my life and that knows every thing about me " (its like he's indicating my importance in his life)so were basically keeping what we have, just ignoring the part that we were once together 🙁 i do still love him and explained that to him and he understands it too ,so I'm scared that doing this and being away for 30 days would literally destroy the close connection we have </3 like he still reaches me out throughout the whole day actually 5 minutes ago he called for no reason he took a break for 5 min from what he's doing and called me but had to go back to it so he hanged up and said that well talk later he said I'm just calling to mess with u .were even going to the movies on sunday too </3 oh my god i literally don't know what I'm doing I'm in a very complicated situation please help me <///3 he has a lot of problems in his life majorly his education problem and I'm helping him out way too much for him to get back into it and stand up on his feet again and he needs me so bad for that he needs my positive boost he always says this : "you always weirdly give me that positive energy somehow" and he said as well "I've never felt this positive in my life" and he's going to start his semester next week this is a very sensitive time and seriously needs my support he always talks to me about it when he gets his anxiety attacks and start re worrying and like have all these obstacles in his head and I help make things simple for him and clearing them out of his head I'm even the one who registered the semester courses for him cause he was too scared to face it and do it himself, not him nor her, i did :/ so it really feels wrong to leave him at such time not when he needs me most that'll just crush everything we have..itll crush him and it'll make us grow apart and maybe even gives that girl the chance to take that privilege from me and he'd go to her instead of me since I'm no longer available..sometimes i feel more closer to him than her to him but i donnu really whats between them its a long story between them and its kinda private between them and respect that privacy..basically because they had feeling for each other but then he backed off and got with another girl because everyone was pressuring them to get together and he didn't want it that way and she got shocked from that fact because she thought he felt the same and left his life for a year( i didn't exist in his life at this time) but never got with anyone and never got over her feelings for him and now she's back almost the exact same time i met him she came back.. I'm sorry i know this is too long to read </3 but I'm really holding all of this in my crushed heart </3 and have no idea how should i deal with this

Erin P.

March 14, 2017 at 2:06 am

Hi Lulu,

This is my humble, nonprofessional opinion: what is your ex boyfriend doing for you that makes you more to him than a caretaker? Why would he deserve such a commitment from you when he hasn’t been loyal or committed to you?

He can say whatever he wants about needing you, missing you, or valuing you. But if you don’t feel comfortable or valued as his friend (especially after the repeated betrayals when you were together), then he is not valuing you.

I suggest you withold what he hasn’t earned. I know how hard this is to actually do, because I get so emotional when I try to ignore my ex and feel his eyes on me. I feel so sad when I see him sad, especially if I was the cause. But he will not value me if I give him everything he wants on his terms.

So, hard as it is, you need to let him feel the pain of not having you in his life so he can make a choice, once and for all.

P.S. Until you get the full story and he stops spending time with the other girl, you are much safer not taking him back. And if you catch him with her while you are dating, you need to end it first.

I will be thinking of you and hoping this situation gets better. Prayers

Julie

January 31, 2017 at 11:52 pm

I ended up with my boyfriend on 22nd of January. No contact for 1 week, in 2 days after he texted me however I did not answer. And he texted me in 2 days after, I continued no contact however I contacted him the day after I received the message to him. On 31 January I finally met him. We met at cafe and talked about how I and he have been doing. And he asked me why I did not reply to him however, I changed a decision and contacted to him.

I said, I needed a space and time from relationship. And I tried to show I have gradually been improving myself from issue which lead to break-up. I think it was too soon to meet him… The improvement will not show him too soon.. Of course not.
The reason why he contacted me was wondering how I have been doing and based on friendly basis. He wants to keep contact with me in friendly basis. He said he is able to have a dinner, go to cinema, and meet his family with me however, in FRIENDLY basis. He said right now he is too busy with work and study. He was always busy with work during the relationship with me….. He does not want to give any false hope to me that one day we will get back together for sure even though he still has feelings for me. I cannot understand how he can stay a friend with me after break-up even though he misses me…. For right now, he does not want to consider a relationship with me nothing but meeting me as a friend. I am afraid acceptance of friendship would make me being ended up a friend to him… He said if I cannot stay friend with him he would respect my decision and it will become nothing. I feel really hurt and stuck in this situation. I cannot see any hope or do not know what to do from now on. I feel so weird to become a friend with him. Seems he cannot break the contact with me after break-up and sounds like he just wants to keep me in his life….

What am I supposed to do ?….

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 1, 2017 at 1:02 pm

Hi Julie,

he’s probably friendzoning you because he’s still used to having you around.. do you want to restart no contact period?

Rachael

January 31, 2017 at 2:37 am

Hey, 🙂 so I have been doing no contact for a week now, and he hasn’t tried to reach out once. We ended on relatively good terms. What he said I 100% believe, he said that he needs more time before he can be in a relationship (which as i said i completely believe. he is going through a lot right now, and seriously doesn’t have any time and hasn’t for a while.) and that he def wants to stay friends forever, as for getting back in a relationship, he said he really does want to be back with me when he has either more time or I am out of school. Once again, i believe him. My point to this is that 1. im not sure if the tips on the website are really going to work well for me or maybe drive him away? Also more specifically if its normal that he hasnt even tried to text me in the past week since i stopped speaking to him. thanks

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 31, 2017 at 3:28 pm

Hi Rachael,

there’s no guarantee that nc will work. It only helps increase your chances. If you kept talking, there’s a higher probability that you would be friendzoned.. If he’s busy, yes it’s common that a guy would not reach out after breaking up

Julia

January 28, 2017 at 12:56 am

I was talking to a guy long distance but we were never offical but our convos were deep and he said he could see with him for good forever the only issue was the distance different countries. Recently he told me hes going back to his ex to try make it work. Blindsided me i texted him a long text about how he did me dirty ( he never told me he was in contact with her or dating other girls). We stopped talking even though he msgd me randomly. But then we talked on the phone and he basically told me again no that im not listening to him. To move on. Then i texted him recently for closure asking why he doesnt care.. he said he does about me he cant be faithful to a girl in his own country how can he be faithful to me in a diff one. I felt like i said what i had to although not at all. I told him we can try be being friends but he thinks i might not be ready if he posts pics on social media of them. I dont want to be weird cause i know his family… should i still do nc?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 28, 2017 at 11:45 am

Hi Julia,

hmm..why shouldn’t you?

Ashley

January 26, 2017 at 4:18 pm

I posted a comment but not sure if it actually went through, but my ex sent me a message saying “I want you, but I can’t keep going back and forth, lets see what happens if we are friends for a bit, okay?” Do I not answer it and immediatly go into no contact? I really want to be with him and not caught up in the friendzone.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 27, 2017 at 10:18 am

Hi Ashley,
yes, it did went through.. Tell him, sorry being friends is not workable for me right now, but thank you.. and then start the no contact rule

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