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Jessica
March 18, 2015 at 12:19 am
No contact worked! My ex and I talked for the first time in 30 days and he said there was a hole in his life and that he missed me every single day. We are going out together this weekend, but he doesn’t wanna call it a date yet. He says we’ll figure out if it is a date that afternoon. The other issue is that he said he does not love me anymore and does not want a relationship, BUT he said he still had so many feelings for me and cared and wanted to be with me. So it is very complicated, I think if this is going to work his “feelings” need to fall back in love with me to make him stay. The other issue is that (he never drinks) he got drunk and kissed another girl. He said it was the biggest mistake of his life and he went out to a party that night because he was so depressed about us and missed me. He said the kiss was awful and he disliked the girl. He called it painful and said he will always regret it. What do I do? I want him to fall back in love with me and eventually ask me to be his girlfriend again, how do I go about having that happen and how do I work through my emotions about the fact he kissed someone else so soon after we broke up?
admin
March 18, 2015 at 9:19 pm
I wouldn’t take it too personally.
He was hurt after the breakup and I have had a kiss exactly like that before (disgusted with myself) and I hated the girl.
I wouldn’t take it personally.
Samantha
March 7, 2015 at 5:44 pm
Hi!!!
Thank you for this page. It’s really helpful!!!
About my problem: (I’ll be sooooo happy if you can give me some tips about what to do, please!!!!!)
-Been with him for about 6 months. Long distance relationship. Saw him for like a month in total, face to face.
-Due to problems in my life, I had been acting quite mean to him, also because of influence of some people in my life, showing distrust to him, criticizing him, etc, so he couldn’t take it anymore and ended it.
-At first he questioned whether I ever loved him or not… I have given all calm, respectful, loving, sweet answers during those conversations. Also he questioned the possible reasons of this break up. I explained, mostly because of long distance communication and stress factors in my life.
-He at first refused to even meet me for a coffee in the future saying if he sees me he might fall in love again and he’s tired of getting heartbroken and upset. Said, he can’t afford loving me, etc.
-Then slowly he started texting me, asking about my new pictures, whether i’m trying to impress other guys, etc, or telling about some random things in his life.
-He sent a photo of a party invitation of his friend with his name and my name on it, next to each other, as if we’re still a couple.
-I bought tickets to his city and let him know. We will meet but he is busy studying so for a short time.
-We had started as a very romantic couple almost like soulmates…I think we have a very strong emotional connection in essence. But I spoiled it, always questioning him, and making him feel like he might not be my best option etc. (he mentioned these in an angry tone while breaking up: me saying i can get rich guys etc. kind of things -i explained to make you jealous, because i’ve always found you really handsome and i’ve gained weight so i acted really stupid sometimes etc.)
-I also questioned his situation of being a single dad, and his past, from time to time in the relationship. So i think it must have been damaging too. These are delicate subjects.
-I’m moving to his city soon. But he is considering moving to another place (for his child) which is 45 mins by plane, from his current city. (Maybe that’s a factor he thinks he should end it with me, too?)
So now, we have a nice dialogue it seems, with texts, and I’ll see him. He helped me arrange the hotel etc. as well. (But didn’t invite me to stay at his house-he’s with family anyway; yet, I had stayed there before…He has exams coming up though, so he’s really gonna be busy)
I was going to arrange accommodation from a travel/hosting travellers site. He said he’s definately not meeting me if i go and stay at a random persons house!! (protective attitude??/ jealousy??)
How do you think I should behave before I see him face to face? And also when I see him there?
How can I make him trust that I will not upset him the way I did in the past? How can I ignite the passionate love that was once there?
I love him so much. I don’t ever want to lose him. I wanna be with him even when we’re old, when we’re 70 and all!!!
Give me some tips please?
Thank you sooooooooo much!!!!!
admin
March 8, 2015 at 2:48 pm
I think you should follow the directions on this page for how to behave face to face for him.
Joline
March 4, 2015 at 7:20 am
Hi Chris, really hoping for your kind response on my earlier post. Thank you.
admin
March 5, 2015 at 8:37 pm
Sorry I can’t find your other response.
Mind copying and pasting it?
Joline
March 6, 2015 at 4:24 pm
I kind of didnt save it but here it goes… hahaha
Okay, first off, my ex and I were in a relationship for 1 year and 7 months but things got complicated when my mom learned about me having sex with him (my family is super duper religious conservative) then because of my conscience I told him I cant continue with having sex with him anymore. At first, he protested then accepted it then eventually said he cant do it. So we broke up but since our break up was clean, we both agreed on staying friends.
I’ve been following this page for almost a year now since our breakup and followed all your advices but didnt really put much effort in getting back with him because 1) i still believe that the reason for our breakup is a douchebag move 2) since he was my 1st boyfriend, I want to follow everyones advice regarding dating and believing that there will be a better person for me.
But because of some circumstance that happened last week, we met alone. At first it was for drinks (as he suggested) but since he was coming straight from work, he said dinner and then drinks. So I said okay, but I dont want to eat at his favorite restaurant because I didnt bring enough money.
While waiting for him I asked him where he’ll park the car, he told me at the usual, so I waited for him there. He greeted me with a kiss on the cheek and a short hug and then while walking he placed his arm around my shoulder the whole time. He suggested that we still eat at his favorite restaurant and offered to pay since he’s working now. While we were eating, he was the one who opened up the topic regarding our past relationship:
-how long we dated
-how long we’ve broken up
-that im using the bag he gave me for our anniversary (its actually his christmas gift)
We also had this conversation regarding contact lenses. We both wear glasses but he’s not wearing his and I’m wearing mine so I asked him, “are you wearing contacts already?” “yeah, it looks more presentable this way.” “are you saying i dont look presentable?” “no, you make it work.”
Then, when we’re about to finish our meal he suggested that rather than going for drinks we should just eat dessert. I said okay then after a while he said we should go to the ice cream parlor where we used to always go.
While going down the escalator to go for dessert he placed his hands around my neck. Then he played with my arm and told me that its smaller now (i lost a LOT of weight after our breakup) but that its still fun to play with and then suddenly when we arrived downstairs he back hugged me!! I was so shocked that I wasnt able to stop myself from accusing him of “you missed me!” but he didnt reply. He also withdrew money because he told me he was already saving up since he started working and he just didnt want to save money as he was with me. So i looked at him, told him thank you. I think this is also the part where he said “You do know you’re the only girl that lasted that long with me right?” His usual relationship lasts for about 3 months only while we had 5 months of courtship before our actual relationship.
When we were at the cashier of the ice cream parlor I told him that i wanted to sit on the couch so he told me to go on ahead. When he arrived, there was only one ice cream and one spoon, so we had to share….
Anyway after a few minutes I had to go home. I asked him if he can bring me to the place where I can ride the bus and he said yes. While we were walking he told me that I still walk awkwardly, he forgot all my quirks but now remember all of them.
In the car, I reclined the seat and sat comfortably then he asked, “did you miss it?” “how can i miss it when we have the same car?” “not that” “ohh i missed the smell” Only after a few days did I realize that he can mean 3 things: 1) the car 2) the date or 3) him. When we’re almost at the place where im supposed to go down.. I forgot how the conversation went but he said “bun” (the nickname we call each other) then corrected himself with “joline.” I didnt react at all and pretended I didnt hear.
Everything happened in a span of 2 and a half hours…
Well now, I really dont know how to process this. I do understand that we agreed to be friends but I feel like I was tricked on going out on a date with him. He knew that I wouldnt go if used “date” to invite me.
Is he showing that he wants to get back together? But after that day, we havent texted each other. And if he is, what do I do to be sure that he’s sincere and honest about it? Or if this is a bad idea, what are the boundaries of being friends with an ex when it comes to being touchy?
Thank you soooooo much for reading this super duper long post btw. I’m hoping for your response soon!
admin
March 7, 2015 at 6:03 pm
Hmm…
Are you afraid of being friend zoned by him?
Joline
March 8, 2015 at 1:49 pm
A part of me is scared. I feel like I havent really moved on yet, as in completely, even though I tried dating people.. While my head is saying that I should just accept it cause that’s the right thing. I dont know, I’m so confused.
Joline
March 6, 2015 at 4:27 pm
Actually at the last part I forgot to mention that when I was about to go down the car, I looked at him and he was looking at me and I kind of got the feeling like he was waiting if I will kiss him on the lips????? But i didnt and just kissed him goodbye on the cheeks.
Hannah
March 3, 2015 at 3:39 am
Hi Chris,
I was in this weird non-relationship thing with this guy for about 4 months. I would initiate hanging out every time, but he always was enthusiastic and wanted to…so I didn’t get it? The summer past and I never heard from him. Just recently I texted him and asked if he would be interested in hanging out. He said yes and we set up a date for this weekend. Does this mean he’s interested-interested in me>
admin
March 3, 2015 at 9:57 pm
Was this “non relationship thing” the same as friends with benefits?
Elizabeth
March 1, 2015 at 8:40 pm
Hi Chris,
So after 2 months of no contact, a LOT of resistance at first from my ex and then slowly rebuilding communication again to the point where I would mostly initiate contact but our conversations were always light and fun I was finally able to get us to the point of meeting up! It took a lot of effort but when we hung out it was great, we just laughed a lot and did not mention anything about the breakup. I felt like I got some mixed signals though, it felt like a fun first date but at the end of the night when I was leaving he hugged me, kissed my cheek and we both went in for more but then he pulled away saying he couldn’t and it got a little weird but then as I was leaving he made a flirty comment about how good my butt looked??? A few days later I txt him something random and he did not respond. I’m so confused! Why did he say he couldn’t kiss me?? My friends keep saying our roles are reversed, that he’s playing the girl and I’m the man in the situation and honestly it feels that way! I know men like to pursue but our situation feels like a role reversal. Thoughts???
admin
March 2, 2015 at 9:24 pm
He must have known that he would have been hooked on you if he had kissed you and hes just not quite there yet.
Try reaching out and seeing him again. I think he legitimately enjoyed being out with you on the date.
Elizabeth
March 3, 2015 at 2:43 am
Hi Chris,
Thanks for the response! I think you are right, we both had a good time and I really felt like it went well. I was also thinking that maybe he is just not quite there yet, like you said. However, I txt him the other night and said “hey! you free on Thursday? I’ve been craving restaurant XYZ” and he never responded! Why did he suddenly go cold again? I’m feeling discouraged now because I thought we were making really good forward momentum and now it feels like we just took a giant step back. Not sure what to do now??
Marc
February 25, 2015 at 2:41 pm
I have a question.
He is not my ex. He is a FBud who became a friend (three years in total (the last 8 months with no contact but lots of chats, socializing and meeting eachother’s friends) I split two weeks before valentine’s day. It wasn’t horrific but it never ended with a hug either. I am seeing him at a dinner-gathering and I am curious if I should apply a watered down version of ” dinner party with an EX ” At the end of the day we became close and the “break-up” did damage. I’m not sure what to do here. Everything on Fbuds says “walk away” but while not a relationship, he was and is more than a fbuddy and I want the guy in my life (not as a partner)
admin
February 25, 2015 at 10:07 pm
FBud?
You mean fwb?
Jina
February 22, 2015 at 8:27 pm
I need some help in figuring out this!
My boyfriend broke up with me on January and i started NC after it! I contacted him last weekend just asking “how are you?” and he said “just same old stuFf 🙁 and you?”! I asked to meet him, to talk in a more calm way (we fought when he broke up with me and said he wanted to meet after two weeks and talk as friends. He asked me for a time to think before breaking up, but i didn’t want that and called two days after it)! he answered sure and “lets see when we can”! On Friday i sent a message asking if we could meet on weekend, but he said “maybe next week? Bcs it’s a big holiday now”! Is he just being nice or there’s more to it?
admin
February 23, 2015 at 9:26 pm
Only time will tell…
If he stands you up again more attraction needs to be built.
Vika
December 12, 2014 at 1:49 am
Hello, Chris! I found out about your site not long ago, so i seems like I already did lot’s of mistake, and not sure if my situation is reversible. Please, share your opinion 🙂
We broke up unexpectedly, he did not give any explanations. He called next day after break-up but I just couldn’t pick up the phone. I haven’t contacted him for 2 weeks after that.
In 2 weeks I texted him just a funny fact about a place we went together. I did not expect him to reply but he did. After that I asked him what he was doing and ended conversation. Next night he texted me to come to bar where he was, but I could not. I was actually on a date with someone else.So I answered the next day that I haven’t seen his text.
Later I decided to invite him to one of the events I was attending. He agreed very fast and also suggested to meet and talk a couple of days before that. He seemed to be very eager to meet as he kept texting about it. We were texting each other for 3 days arranging the plans. I tried not to look too interested. Wiated for 20-30 minutes to reply to his messages. He said he would clarify the timing the day we would meet, said he would be in the bar with his friends and said I could bring friends with me.
But he did not text back the night we were supposed to meet. That’s where I snapped. I gave him a call but he did not pick up. He texted later in the middle of the night that he did not go out and that we would meet later that week. But I know he went out with his friends. I answered that I did not believe him as I was very angry at him. I just do not get it, why would he suggest meeting somewhere, keep texting about for 3 days and than just not show up. He did not show up for the event later in the middle of the week either
.
Week and a half later I texted him to congratulate him with thanksgiving. He replied and apologized for not going to the event, said that he thought that I did not want to see him there, apologized for hurting me and said we need to clear thing up. I replied back only in a day. Texted him that we should meet and time when I would be available. He suggested to meet in 2 weeks.
I will be honest I am afraid that he wanted to get back but now I feel like he reaffirmed his decision to break-up completely. And I am also not sure whether we are going to meet at all, 2 weeks are almost over. He hasn’t contacted me yet. I don’t know whether he will contact me, or should I contact me, or will he even ever text me again…
Sorry if this is too long. Do you think I can still do something in my situation? Is there still a chance to get back? Should I wait till he contact me? What if he won’t?
Thank you!
admin
December 15, 2014 at 5:30 am
I would say you should contact him. Don’t be afraid to.
R.
December 9, 2014 at 9:43 pm
Hey thank you so much for this website, its really good!
I will resume the story to make it fast.
We dated for 5 years and the last year and a half it was a LDR, somewhere in the middle things got really ugly: I became very needy and complained a lot and he started pulling away and became disrespectful and mean. Then I was so lonely and feeling so sad far away that I met someone (just fun) and told him about it… Hiw reaction was very bad! Thats when it all crumbled. After not speaking for some weeks I moved back to my home country, but there was still a lot of baggage and so things didnt turn out well.
Then we stopped talking for good.
Thos 2 months appart were very good for us, we saw other people, I worked on myself and am feeling good, confident and for the first time after a really long time HAPPY.
And then he texted me some weeks ago… We met 3 times already.
The first date didn’t go extremely well because towards the end I got all insecure. But we had a second one which went well, and the third one a week ago which went very well (all according to these rules)… Now my question is… Now what?
My attitude is “I am cool, I am doing great, I am happy” and he is a little lost (looking for a new job) but is also happy… we have fun together, its nice, and he keeps on texting me almost every 4/5 days (he initiates it 90% of times) but we still doidnt kiss and I dont know what he wants. So now what should we do? I don’t want to get friendzoned but I dont know what else I could do… Flirt? Invite him to more dates? Then what?
Thanks a lot for your advice
Good luck and I wish you the best
admin
December 10, 2014 at 3:32 pm
Friendzone him…
hahaha Disappear for a bit and then come back.
..
December 10, 2014 at 4:02 pm
Haha. What will I achieve with that?
..
December 9, 2014 at 10:29 pm
(the fun part with the other guy, a year and a half ago happened when we were broken up, but my ex still got really mad at me for it then, and thats when things got reall ugly)
Christine
December 4, 2014 at 2:22 am
Hi, I was wondering if you could email me and I could talk to you about my situation in private? Thank you!
admin
December 4, 2014 at 1:26 pm
[email protected]
Christine
December 10, 2014 at 1:48 am
Hi chris!
Thank you for the reply. I sent you an email on Sunday. Please email me back! Thank you!
Kay
December 3, 2014 at 2:32 pm
hI..im on LDR for 7 months. 6 weeks after we broke up I agreed to see him after I started to initiate contact with him once NC has finished. During the date he asked if I met other guys, how I was doing etc. He felt a little awkward but I told him to relax coz it’s just me. We had some coffee and we went to bistro by the lake for lunch. I went to sit on a bench in front of the lake to bask in the syn while waiting for him from the loo and for our order. He joined me sat close to me and I jokingly introduced myself and asked for his name and giggled like I used to do when we chat. Moments later I could hear him take deep breaths and told me he really wants to kiss me..and I actually kissed him back. He said that he is still in love with me and have thought of getting back with me many times and thinks a lot about me. He was supposed to stop by for 1 hour but it lasted almost 3. During that time he actually got “excited”. He looked at me a lot, touching me and kissed my temples. We were holding hands and we sing to the songs in his radio. He dropped me home but ended up kissing me so passionately.. I said no a few times..but gave in (non penetrative im a virgin). 🙁 He said he still wants us but he still needs to sort himself out in the next few months..going pro in his sport. and at the moment coudn’t really afford financially and timewise to be with me even if he wants to. I told him what if im not available when he’s ready and he was like you do whatever you want and I don’t need to wait for him. When he left we were kissing with all the I love yous.. I phoned him 8 hrs later just about the time he arrives home.. and his tone was not as affectionate and no more I love yous. I never heard from him..txtd him 4 days later maybe a couple of times..he would reply but nhas never initiated. Even during the NC period.. he txted me 5 days after breakup ,I didn’t reply except for a short message later that night and he has never contacted me first. I asked him bout this and he said he thought I didn’t want to talk to him when I didn’t reply.. and he thought we were actually communicating (???)..I believe he is not dating but in constant communication with a young girl he plays golf with (Im 28 shes 18 hes 23) but they are “besties”.. he might be looking for hookups which hurts me a lot when I think about it… Im not really sure if I should wait for him.. I don’t have time to date guys and I don’t trust people from dating sites. Wondering what steps could I do in the next few months.. I really want him back still..its been 2 months.
admin
December 3, 2014 at 5:13 pm
Did you read any of my LDR articles?
Kay
December 9, 2014 at 10:09 am
Yes I actually did. I didn’t see the breakup coming coz we seemed happy with the set up and we know that at some stage I will be with him. Last few weeks though i had trouble with sleeping due to my shifts and our time didn’t match. My ex bf has becoming quite busy and he said he can’t juggle his sports, pressure, financial (I don’t mind shelling out for the time being until next year when I can move to his city) and me at the back of his head and not being able to spend time with me even if he wants to. we did everything txt daily call skype meet at least once a month. He didn’t wanna cool off.. he wanted to be by himself. he was cold and told me it doesn’t feel right and he doesn’t love me anymore.
Now after we met him telling me that he still loved me and still wants our relationship but after he sorts himself out confused me a lot. Especially that he never initiated contact after he left. I began hoping again. I told him my that he could come find me when he’s ready..Now im not sure if him coming to see me was just for intimacy and pawned me with his I love yous or it was his true feelings. He might be moving on now.. he still doesn’t initiate contact. I space my messages to a few days or a couple weeks. I feel like im running out of time. But then again..its LDR.. 🙁
Punky
October 8, 2014 at 8:30 pm
So Chris i got some news for you!
after 3 months since the break up… 6 weeks of NC (i had decided to move on) i got a text from him saying “kiss from an ex (work place) to an ex (work place)”. That was on a thursday about 4 pm.
i reply to him hours later at 2 am “you quit?” and we chatted about the work situation til 3 am (he got fired). i told him i had to sleep cause i had stuff to do the next day. He replied “oh the party you’re organizing?” Me: “Yeah.”
he said “gnyt. kiss” and i told him he could drop by the party on saturday to finish telling me the work place story (no kiss from me).
he asked me if i was going to be working all night or if he could have the whole night to himself. we continued texting the next day. he asked when could we meet and i told him saturday + sunday i was busy working so he could have friday or wednesday.
we met up that night (friday) in a street which is half way from his place and half way from mine. walked around a park. 2 hours he talked about his work situation and i was just listening. he was trying to touch me when he would tell me and at a certain point he told me he had realized how important friends are for the couple. when he said that he hugged me saying that usually for him, when hes in a relationship it’s him and the other person against the world, so its a whole new discovery for him at 43 that the couple needs a social life. (you know how much of a introvert he is).
anyway… after this first encounter i read this post and realized i had really fucked up alot during the first encounter. it went on for longer than it had to. (4 hours). We spoke about the relationship. Didn’t really get into an argument but we were close. I apologized for what i had done wrong in the past and also thanked him for things in general.
after leaving the park i was hungry, and asked him if he wanted to acompany me to grab something to eat. there i started talking about other things that were going on my life but he hadnt slept all night and hadnt eaten anything either, so he was absolutely spaced out.
when i dropped him off at his place he hugged me for a really looong time (another mistake) and tried to kiss me but i didnt let him.
the next day after the meeting i felt really heavy… but i had told him i had free either friday or wednesday so i was just waiting till wednesday to arrive to see if he would appear. i was also pretty busy all weekend after the meeting so i didnt really have time to think.
monday came and i started digesting all of the information. tuesday i started to go through the messages we sent each other while i was waiting for a meeting and as soon as i go into the meeting i realize my phone dialled his number accidentally!!! man i wanted to shoot myself. Had a hard time focusing on the meeting but i let it go. I thought to myself, “I’ll wait to see if he returns my call” but i wasnt sure wether he had already picked up the call either when it dialled accidentally.
i let a couple of hours pass and decided to own the mistake. Sent him a text saying “hey i think my phone dialled your number by mistake just as i was walking into a meeting (oops smiley)” to which he replied “you called me to say nothing”. I asked him how his new life was without having to deal with set times to which he replied “quite well actually”.
Man! There i was starting to panic a bit thinking “hes being really cold and distant”… I wasnt going to let it stay like that so i send him a text saying “Are you up for coffee tomorrow?”. He asked what time and i said i was open to suggestions. He then followed with “I’ll give you a call tomorrow morning or midday. kiss” so i replied “Cool”.
Next day (2day) he sends me a text at midday of a mural i had done in the street. i replied smiley face. he told me he was going to a travel agency, so i asked him where he’s off to. He told me he’s going back to his country. I reply “im curious. so what time is our meeting today?” he suggested lunch and after going back and forth about the time we agreed to meet for lunch.
When i arrived he was already there. My friend owns the restaurant, it was her mothers birthday. I put a beautiful summer dress on so i was looking fantastic and i had my best attitude on. When i arrived i said hi to everybody and everyone told me how great and skinny i looked.
Then i walk to the table where he is and i give him a short hug saying hi. I had my energy up and feeling great so we started chatting back and forth about his plans and things i’ve been doing (all the great things that are literally happening in my life) i showed him pictures of my amazing weekend and told him that initially i wanted us to meet at night cause i wanted to invite him to play bowling. His face light up.
Right there my aunt and her friends asked us to come over to the birthday table so it was a really nice family setting. We sat over that side to eat some cake with the birthday girl. Him and I shared a little piece in the same plate and just chit chatting with the people in the table. Then we decided to go bowling.
We played two bowling matches and he beat me in both. He said “whoever loses pays the fuel to go to (trip place by car that we had once planned to take together)” . I told him “whoever wins, pays the fuel back”
durign the whole meeting we both kept talking about that one baskteball match we never played that we owe each other, challenging each other to it.
after the bowling (he payed for the drinks in the first restaurant, and he payed for the bowling game) i told him lunch was on me.
we got some fast food and just sat at the lunch place of the mall eating and talking about the present and future. In a month he goes back to his country for two weeks and then comes back. (i wanted to know if he was leaving for good or not since he got fired).
as soon as we’re done eating lunch i tell him i had stuff to do (cause i knew he had a meeting in an hour and a half) so we walked to front gate of the mall. We said goodbye and i hugged him (short hug) kissed him on the cheek and said thank you. He looks at me and asks me “Why thank you?” To which i respond “Just because (I swear it just came out of my gut)” so as we’re walking away from each other he yells back “hey! the basketball match?” and i yell back “whenever you say!” to which he replied “tomorrow” and i said “tomorrow it is then!”
Chris, I feel good. I think everything went very well. This second encounter was fundamental to erase that first disastrous one! I left the encounter with a really good vibe and feeling really light unlike the first one. It lasted two hours and a half and was quite dynamic.
What do you think? Any advice on how to proceed?
admin
October 9, 2014 at 1:37 pm
Think it went really well.
Se him again, and keep the process going. His actions as conducive to someone who is into you.
Punky
October 11, 2014 at 3:33 pm
So thursday (the next day after the 2nd date) he sent me a text about the basketball match, if i was up for it on friday. We kept texting back and forth about the ideal time because of the heat and he ended up inviting me over to a bbq at his place on friday night with some ex colleagues.
the bbq was at 8 pm. at 10 pm i get a text from him saying the meat was going to get cold and short thereafter i arrived. people started leaving around midnight and his best friend and i stayed to help him clean up. when his friend goes to the toilet we kind of hug and i tell him i have to leave, but before that i wanted to know if he was up to comign with me to a wedding on saturday (the next day). He tells me to stay over a bit more so we talk about it. His friend leaves and we finally are alone.
he lights some candles. it was an amazing night the wind running through the house. everything was chilli cause it was raining but very softly. he took me to his bedroom and i tried to resist myself until i gave in. We lied together for very little playing who would get on top of the other until we ended on the floor. We never locked lips but were very close to and finally i decided to leave under the excuse that i wanted to get an good nights rest because i wanted to look fabulous for the wedding.
he walked me to my car and i came home. you see… i just want to make sure both of us are on the same page about what each one wants from the other this time around cause man, i really want to make it work this time. I just read the how to make your ex commit guide https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-make-your-ex-boyfriend-commit/
so i want to approach this in the best way possible. I always read your advice on the comments such as “dont give him sex until he commits” or “dont kiss him until he commits”… so my question is. how do i go about it? Perhaps bringing the subject tonight at the wedding? Mainly asking him about what he wants from an ideal partner? (i dont want to sound demanding and start with myself first about what i want, i think thats just counterproductive). What do you suggest?
admin
October 13, 2014 at 6:05 pm
You are right not to give sex to him until he commits.
Maybe not sound demanding about it but ask him the ideal partner stuff.
Punky
October 14, 2014 at 8:10 pm
Chris i think i fucked up and i want to know how to turn things around. we went to the wedding and had fun. i ended up staying over at his place and… yeah… you can imagine everything that happened. we had sex many times throughout the day, cuddled and all the things we used to do when we were first starting our relationship.
in between we spoke about things in general. we spoke about the trip he wanted us both to take and at some point he said “we’re not together”. so i told him the trip was on standby. he kept saying that i should still find things out information about the trip.
he’s in the country until the 29th of oct. and supposedly comes back the 16th of november. he really has no idea of whats going to happen with his life in the next two months. he got a new job offer (here in my country) but right now he wants to take vacation (since he didnt take vacation for a whole year and a half of work). he told the guy that offered him the job here that they’d speak when he came back (on the 16th).
when i asked him about his ideal woman one of the qualities he mentioned is that she lets him travel alone.
So many things can happen right now. there’s an option he might not even be back at all and just go to NY for 2 months since his sister has an empty apartment there.
i know right now anything can happen. I know im not a priority in his life. he told me hes not sure he wants to take us right now with things being so uncertain in his life.
we havent spoken since sunday (the day we had sex).
something tells me he will show up again (cause he prolly assumes im his booty call or friend with benefits now and he’ll probably want goodbye sex). so far im doing NC til he shows up.
i read the post on how to know if your ex bf is using you
https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-know-if-your-ex-boyfriend-is-using-you/
I suspect i might be allowing him to use me both emotionally and physically (emotionally cause he just got fired, and physically cause of sex). he really has nothing to lose since he’s leaving the country and maybe coming back or not (or perhaps he’s just playing with my emotions using that as an excuse to torture me with the possibility of him not ever coming back).
im confused. my question is. when he does show up (before he leaves)
1) do i continue NC for a week more (delivering the message that i dont really care if he stays in the country or not) and just respond amicably wishing him a safe trip and that all goes well
2) (considering that he has very little time left in the country) do i still respond to him, take him on that basketball match. and when he does want to get physical after the match, tell him “you told me we’re not together and i dont have sex with someone who isn’t my stable partner”
your help is greatly appreciated!
Robin
September 22, 2014 at 2:51 pm
I had a date with my ex, last week… Seemed to go well. Went to the cinema. We chatted. Ended the night with him dropping me home, chatted again, he said we should do this again and he initiated a kiss on the cheek (which I gave). We text after briefly said I had a really nice time and he said yeah it was good. Etc
Good signs?
I’m away at the moment and he’s is too. No contact since the meeting, I was planning on contacting after a week or so but do I intiate the second date if he doesn’t?
Talls
September 2, 2014 at 5:40 pm
Hi Chirs! So what do you do if you ask your ex out (“Hey, I’m in the area, why don’t we do lunch?”) and the responce you get is “Well I can’t leave right now, but you can totally come hang out here and I can cook for you.” Is this a good sign or is he pushing you off?
admin
September 3, 2014 at 2:38 pm
Its a very good sign!
kim
August 31, 2014 at 1:22 pm
hey,
I had a LDR almost 10 months ago, but we broke up due to the distance (and maybe other reasons I don’t know) after 3 months. A week ago I accidentally met him on holidays and talked for about 30-45 minutes. In the end he said maybe we can meet again in the country where we both live now…but he hasn’t been really talkative since.
How should I proceed? Try to get him into 2-3 conversations and then ask him if he wants to meet? Is this our first or second date then?
admin
September 2, 2014 at 12:26 pm
He hasn’t been talkative since youve suggested a meet up?
kim
September 2, 2014 at 5:15 pm
No, since we met accidentally (but he said we could meet in our country again) and then he didn’t really reply to my messages, just a neutral reply or stopped texting.
what should I do next…until I can ask him to meet up?
filledoux
August 30, 2014 at 5:31 pm
Wow this blog entry is AWESOME! This is thoroughly refreshing and on point 🙂
I have been with this ex for FIVE years. I left the relationship when I found out he was pursuing other women while being with me. I completely cut him out of my life for exactly a year and he started communicating with me back in March. He said he wanted me back and still loves me. SO, I went on a date with him to a baseball game last night and BOY it was the LOOOOONGEST game ever in the entire universe. I guess I did good by the looks of it–seems like I completely ticked off every bullet point here. No sexual advances, no tease-touching, just comfortable good friends atmosphere. i did hug him 10-15 seconds long and almost blurted out “i still love you” but managed to keep it in. it made me quite sad, how this beautiful relationship left hanging. It hurts. But i will see if he asks for a second date.
admin
September 2, 2014 at 12:23 pm
He cheated on you?
OMG I am so sorry.
I think you did really well on your date.
Lexi
August 11, 2014 at 5:15 am
Please help me Chris. I have been following your guides & just had the first date with my ex after 8 months of not seeing him. We went to dinner and then just hung out for a couple of hours afterwards (I know in your guide you suggest short first dates but we live an hour away from each other which is why i stayed longer). The thing is he kept trying to grab my butt & also kept trying to get me to go to a hotel with him and flat out admitted he wants to be intimate with me again cause he misses that. I wouldn’t go to the hotel with him and at first I resisted his physical advances but he got a little upset because I wouldn’t let him touch me & he said I am acting as if I don’t know him. So eventually I showed him a little affection, but didn’t make out or have sex with him. Honestly, I didn’t know how to handle myself because I do not want to end up in “friends with benefits” territory, but I also didn’t want to come across as cold or make him feel that I am completely uninterested in him (in case he ever was considering in his head to get back together). Do you have any advice/tips on how I can handle this situation if we see each other again? Such as how I should act with him? Like I said, I really do not want to end up in friends with benefits territory.
Lexi
August 11, 2014 at 5:41 pm
Can you please give me some advice about this : (
Annie
July 3, 2014 at 3:23 pm
Hey chris. I followed your guides and book and got my ex to comit to me again. He says he loves me. Started calling me his again. Kissed me and said its the best thing to just be with me…. problem is… he says there are no second chances in relationships. So no matter how much he loves me there would be no point in retrying a relationship….
is there anything i can do to change his mind and reconsider? Or is this the end of my journey trying to get him back?
admin
July 7, 2014 at 5:42 pm
Don’t let him kiss you if you aren’t in a relationship with him….
Samantha
June 30, 2014 at 1:29 am
Hey Chris,
So I followed your guide and eventhough I messed up a couple of times before reading it I actually made it through the first date with my ex 4 days ago.
The thing is that Im really confused, since I had a great time with him, but he asked me out inviting me to his place to play with his bulldog (I love dogs) and to give me muy stuff back (Xbox and a book) This really disturbes me since.. Ive seen a lot of Green flags about him still loving me but at the same time, for instance, he cleaned up his room and took away every gift I gave him. He only kept a present I gave him on our 2nd anniversary.
So can you give me your point of view?? At the time I didnt react about him returning me my stuff but i makes me wonder that if he is considering coming back together, he wouldnt had done that, right? And also, how long should I keep the frind vibe going on before he friendzones me?
He told me he had a great time and so did I, and the next day he told me he loved seeing me again.. so what do you think? I dont understand why he gave me my stuff, I find it hard to believe it was an excuse to meet me, since the “would you like to come over and play with my dog” wouldve been enough. I hope you can help me on this, thanks.
Btw, we are still in contact and he has started to add kisses on the txts, something he did when we were together.. but still I feel too much of a friend vibe, Id really like to know how long it takes or how long should I wait for a second date to happen,or what should I expect or do now after completing the 1st date phase. Thanks a lot
admin
June 30, 2014 at 2:49 pm
On your date did he get physical with you at all?
Samantha
July 1, 2014 at 11:01 pm
Hey Chris thanks for answering, well he did, a couple of times he touched my knee when we were in his car, or approach my shoulder to start a phrase like.. hey (touching my shoulder)did you know blablablá.. I dont know if that counts? Other tan that, we just hugged when saying hi and goodbye, and at the end I dont know whos fault it was but we kisseed really close to our mouths.. I didnt want to pressure things or say something about coming back. So what do you think? Yesterday he showe me a movie he bought and said we should watch it together and I said sure, but didnt set up a date. As far as I understand, I shouldnt be the one asking him out right?
Sally
April 18, 2014 at 2:28 am
Hey Chris
I went out on a date with my EX. He had basically designed my ideal date.
On the date he told me that he liked another girl. He also said that he would like to be friends and asked me advice to help him get her.
After excusing myself to cry in the bathroom, I came back and continued talking and pretended all was fine because I knew that we shouldn’t quarrel on the date.
I tried hard to ignore it but when he repeated it the third time later in the night I told him that he should be bringing the other girl for the dinner at the beach instead of me. Then he tells me that he doesn’t like the girl or that the girl doesn’t like him that way and that he wants to be friend zoned by all girls.
I don’t know whats wrong. I followed the NC. Then did the whole 1 week NC after that when I realised that I don’t want to be used emotionally. After that we just continued talking and I followed the texting strategy. Its been 4.5 months since we broke up and I am out of answers.
admin
April 18, 2014 at 3:35 pm
Hmm… did you build up a lot of attraction before the date or did you rush right into the date?
Sally
April 19, 2014 at 3:01 am
well its been 4 months since the 30 day NC. I did build attraction through text.
He was the one who asked me out. I also managed to get a second date this wednesday. But I don’t know what his intentions are.
I dont know if he likes this girl or is just saying that because i keep hanging out with my guy friend. I don’t know if he even likes me as a friend or if he likes me more than a friend.
He is going on a road trip with this girl and his group of friends.
I certainly don’t want to be friends at least till after I move on…
Sally
April 21, 2014 at 4:23 am
Should I go on the Wed date?
admin
April 21, 2014 at 4:07 pm
I think you should!
Sally
April 22, 2014 at 1:02 pm
Today the Ex just bought a bunch a groceries to my home and insisted I take it.
When he left , he sent me a message saying that he can’t meet me over the next few days because he has a lot of work to do and we should keep it platonic.
Now I am confused…
admin
April 22, 2014 at 5:00 pm
….. thats strange… hahahaha I think its a good sign that he got the groceries though.
Sally
April 18, 2014 at 10:20 am
well asked him about his plans and he told me that he was interested in the girl. He also told me that his friend told him that the girl isn’t interested in him.
I felt hurt because he let it slip that no one was available, hence he decided to spend time with me.
He swaps from wanting me to be his GF to now he appears to have friend zoned me. He said that he wanted to bring me out because I am a nice friend and he would like to hang with me …
Obviously I am now even more confused. I dont know if he wants a relationship or a friendship.