What To Do When The No Contact Rule Doesn't Work- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

1,033 thoughts on “What To Do When The No Contact Rule Doesn’t Work”

Ew

April 2, 2016 at 4:23 pm

Hi,

In my situation it is actually my exboyfriend who wanted to implement NC, and for 90 days. It’s gonna be over next week, and I don’t know if it should be me waiting or can I reach out to him. These 90 days have been tough and I’d like to know how things are, see my chances rather than wait for him to reach out as he did leave me with hope. During our last call, he said he just needed some more time, wanted us both to see what it was like to be alone, and that it was good to hear me.. Not sure what to do, but I would like to either start implementing the next “contact” steps or just know that he’s moved on and doesn’t want anything to do with me. Is it bad if I contact him first? Thanks for any advice..

Ew

April 28, 2016 at 8:41 am

Hi Amor,
So the end of month has come and it might happen my ex-boyfriend won’t reach out despite what he wrote 3 weeks back. What should I do then? Should I just wait? This doesn’t seem to make much sense..
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 1, 2016 at 7:52 am

if he’s not reaching out, don’t ask about it .. give it more time.. if after a weeks, he still doesn’t open it up.. you can try to initiate but don’t ask about the meet up.
Ew

April 12, 2016 at 7:36 am

Thanks Amor. I kind of did, thought it was too much not to know at all what he thought. Anyway, I reached out to him first, asked how life was going, was positive and all, that’s how I think I have become anyway. He did reply immediately, and with a 2nd message he wrote his plan was to try and meet me towards the end of the month coz he wasn’t feeling ready yet. He wrote he’d reach out so I just replied it was good to have time and wished him a good month. So am waiting and keep growing I guess. Hope it will be all right. What do you think? Thanks in advance for any advice/opinion.
EBR Team Member: Amor

April 13, 2016 at 8:45 pm

Okay, that’s a good plan, at least by then both of you are more emotionally stable.
EBR Team Member: Amor

April 4, 2016 at 6:28 am

Hi Ew,

nope, just don’t text immediately right after the 90 days

Rose

April 1, 2016 at 4:20 am

my relationship of 2.5 years ended about 4 months ago. He broke up with me and he told me that “Friendship I couldn’t find here that i needed to heal” It was so painful and it hurt but I had no choice but to respect his decision. Four months later he sent me a random text saying “Hi, haven’t heard from you for a bit” than 10 mins later another text came in “…Do know that you’ve been on my thoughts and prayers. Hope all is well” Ever since I haven’t heard from again. I never responded to his messages because I didn’t know what to say to that. I am obviously still in love with him and still healing. I did want to reply so bad but I was afraid that messages didn’t mean anything.

EBR Team Member: Amor

April 3, 2016 at 12:09 pm

Hi Rose,

Ir’s alright if you initiate contact with him.

Rachel

March 30, 2016 at 10:14 pm

I met a guy and we dating 2 months. Everything was awesome and then he disappeared. Shall i contact after no contact time? and how should i approach this?

EBR Team Member: Amor

April 3, 2016 at 9:22 am

Hi Rachel,

Just disappeared?. Yes, you can try to initiate after no contact but try to check out online what or where he’s been upto but don’t contact

Boleyna

March 25, 2016 at 11:29 pm

I met this guy almost a year ago now. We were pretty serious very fast. We talked moving in together and getting married. About two months in I found out I was pregnant. This wasnt a surprise as we had talked about the possibility of it happening and what we would do etc. Now we broke up that same weekend I found out we had a huge big discussion about two weeks later and agreed that we wanted to be together. I thought we were together, he apparently thought we were just trying to work things out and that meant he could talk to other women, in which I considered that cheating, we have talked almost everyday since, however I have had our daughter he has shown no interest in her, has accused me of cheating (when he was the one who cheated) I’m not entirely sure that I want him back, but I know at least for my sanity I need to establish the no contact rule, since our breakup we have cycled through agreeing that we love each other and want to make something happen between us, however, I have explained to him that I need more than a text or two a day, this works for two days then we are back to no initiation from him and me flying off the handle. I have started the no contact rule a few times since learning of it however I always break when he texts me, which he does when he realizes I am not trying to reach out to him. Now I’m not sure how to respond as I feel he will use our daughter to get me to respond. I had her three weeks ago and he made no effort to see us, and has talked to me plenty since then without much mention of her. I think it would be best to ignore these texts and continue the NC.

EBR Team Member: Amor

April 2, 2016 at 2:20 pm

HI Boleyna,

Yes, only respond if he asks about his daugther and only talk about his daughter but for me, you should really be firm after nc. If he still with the other girl, better to just let him as a father and move on.

Brokenheart

March 21, 2016 at 5:59 pm

My exboyfriend and I were in a relationship together for 5 years. I broke up with him over a month ago (no one cheated, lied, or did anything to that measure) I did NC for 26 days. I ended up texting him on day 26 by sending a very long message on how I felt about us and our relationship (very positive). I never heard anything back then 3 days later I sent him another message (still positive)….heard nothing back. Then I waited another 4 days and sent him yet another message. Still haven’t heard back. Should I start NC again and wait another 30 full days?

BrokenHearted

March 23, 2016 at 6:40 pm

No, I’m definitely not blocked. I can see that he’s read the messages. In fact, he read them within minutes! What should I do? And thank you for replying…I really appreciate any feedback:)
EBR Team Member: Amor

April 1, 2016 at 1:37 pm

sorry for the late reply.. how are things now?
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 22, 2016 at 7:01 pm

HI Brokenhearted,

Could it be that you’re blocked?

Hannah

March 21, 2016 at 5:32 pm

Hi Amor,

I want to post my own experience and ask for some advice.
I am 32 years old woman and I have recently -and for the first time – used online dating. I met this guy 2 months ago and we immediately felt great together. He is 36 and we are both well educated and in the academic world.

He has been treating me very well and with huge respect from the beginning. He was really into me and he was always proactive eager to contact me to arrange a meeting. I was also very happy to see him every time and all our dates (12 of them) had been a great success. We also slept together after the firs month. In a couple of discussions we had he mentioned that he really likes me and he thinks I might be the one. This sounded as something that might bit too soon to say but it felt right back then. However, I never commented on that but accepted it with good vibes.

However, recently, the last two weeks, I started noticing that he backs off. He still contacted me but in a lower frequency. He used to text me almost every day and meet every other day. This got reduced to no text and one date per week. Which is normal for the dating period, I know. It is still too early. But I had the feeling that something changed. I also noticed that he went back on to online dating, using his account again which he was not before. Because we were always being open and honest (we were like that from the very first moment) we ended up discussing about it. He said that he is complicated and he knows that and that’s why he is 36 and single. He thinks I am a gem and a great person but he is unsure about us and he is always unsure about the people he dates.

I had some thought about it and I realised that I don’t like how it made me feel. I think it is normal to not be sure after only 2 months of dating. However, I find it alarming that he mentioned that. It sounded like an excuse to slow down things and eventually stop seeing me. I asked him what he needed from me and said time and space. I decided and told him to not see each other again until he figures out because this messes with my brain. he said that I should not forget that he thought I might be the one from the beginning and that he likes me a lot. He seemed sad but also accepted it and said that he will take the time to think things. Next thing I know is that he went back to online dating and blocked me.

I am really confused. I know that he might have got scared (also we come from different countries and our approach towards dating is different. I tend to be more expressive while he is more reserved). He is a nice guy, I really believe that. But I also feel that his words were misleading as to how he feels. I felt disappointed that he went back online and he also blocked me. This reflects my confidence issues, I admit that.

I am planning to give him 2 weeks time ( I will not context him) and if I don’t hear from him I will assume that this was not meant to be.

As a last note, I didn’t date anyone else while seeing him. My online account was still on since I thought was still too early to cancel it. He also mentioned -in a joking fashion- that I was checking my profile often. It seems we were both checking each other’s activity. I hate this new era dating style.

Thank you very much for the help!

Hannah

April 3, 2016 at 8:09 am

Hi Amor,

No. He never replied.

The more I think about it, the more I feel that he found someone else or returned to the ex. He had a 7 years old relationship which he came out from last October (they were on and off the last year though). I am almost sure he found someobe else.

I still think a lot about what happened. It felt out of the blue. I was wondering whether I should ask him to tell me the reason so that i have a proper closure. However, I am not sure whether finding out that he chose another girl over me is better for my feelings right now.

I am confused. I really don’t know what happened and I am not even sure whether i should be angry at him or not.

I want to stop wasting so much energy thinking. It is hard though.

Thank you
EBR Team Member: Amor

April 4, 2016 at 9:17 am

well, if it’s for closure..either finding a new girl or knowing he went back to his ex will help you move on
Hannah

March 29, 2016 at 11:22 pm

Hi Amor,

Thank you for your reply. He contacted after 10 days of no contact. He sent me a text saying
“You probably don’t want to hear from me right now but I just want to say that we might not be dating anymore but I still care much about you and consider you as lovely as ever. It was nice seeing you at the gym and maybe in the future we can hang out in the come days.”

I replied telling him “Hey…What do you want from me exactly? I still care about you and I just cannot be friends with you right now.”

He hasn’t replied yet (it was an hour ago) but it is also late at night now. I get the feeling that he wants to reconcile and put me in the friend zone. he feels bad about how he treated me and how I might be feeling. I don’t feel that he is trying to reach out or get me back.

Thank you.
EBR Team Member: Amor

April 3, 2016 at 6:32 am

HI hannah,

has he replied now?
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 22, 2016 at 5:35 pm

HI Hannah,

It’s normal for the romance to slow down after honeymoon period but it’s not normal to go back to dating and block you.. Disregard his words and listen to his actions. He wants you to stay while he’s out there looking or probably already with somebody else. Don’t go back with him or make him work for it. If you go back with him without him working for it, this will just repeat over and over.

Sophia

March 14, 2016 at 4:53 pm

So my boyfriend of 3.5 years broke up with 2.5 months ago after we got into an argument at a friends wedding and then hasn’t spoken to me since. We got bsck from the wedding the next day and he said a flip switched in him at the wedding and he realized how miserable and unhappy the fighting had made him and he couldn’t relax in our relationship anymore. We had just gotten back from studying abroad together for 3.5 months and traveling the world together where he would tell me I was his soulmate and the love of his life, try to get me to elope, etc. We never fought. We got home from Europe and I started a few dumb arguments, and we always resolved them and I th ought everything was fine but I guess he was holding it in how much it hurt him and them blew up at me and that was the end of it. The morning after the wedding he said he was done. This flip switched and he was done. He was crying his eyes out for hours and I tried to convince him it was wor tn it and after 3.5 years we could work it out especially because when he graduates in may he goes into the army as an active duty officer. We had already talked.about marriage abd living Together, we were soulmate and he said he’d have no idea what he would do without me but here we are.
While it was happening he said I was the love of his life and he didnt wanna be with anyone else but he was done. I texted him maybe 4 times trying to reach out and he answered twice. Once saying people change and we changed and we grew apart,and then he angrily texted me 3 weeks in saying he wasn’t happier without me , and it sucked and he hated going out with the guys and drinking but he couldn’t sit at home and stare at the wall.
He hasn’t talked to me aince. I did 6 weeks so contact even though we go to the same university.
Then over the weekend I walked into a party saw him and just said oh hey! And kept movinf and when iv turned around he and his friend were leaving, mainly it seemed because i had showed up. Later on I saw him again and he just speed walked by me wouldn’t make eye contact, and just angrily raised his eye brows at me. His friend was drunk and he was dealing with him as well
So I texted him the next morning, ad just said hey sorry about the run ins last night, just making sure you’re okay after dealing wth your friend? And he never answered.
I thought the distance would let himcalm down but I guess not? His friend said you can tell how miserable he is all the time when they go outz and that he just tries to put on a happy face, but always says he is fine and if someone asks about me just says he is fine
I am still blocked on all social media even though I left him alone on that, and deleted out pictures together off of his media , so maybe he even blocked my phone number, but I have no idea.I am completely stuck, what do I do now? 6 weeks no contact seems to have not worked?

Sophia

March 15, 2016 at 1:21 pm

Is there anything I can say to him to help him out this wall down so I can start showi ng him I’ve changed?I feel like my chances are decreasing as time.goes on because he is still so upset, and its really hurting me that i put so much effort into working on myself and 2.5 months he still seems to hate me, when ive been nothing but sweet. but he leaves in two months for good so idk what to do, maybe try the letter?
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 15, 2016 at 3:48 pm

Yeah, I know. You’re doing the right thing but he’s not responding the way you would expect him to be. I’m puzzled too. You can try the letter, but prepare if he doesn’t respond but let’s hope that touches him..just extend your patience. Keep being calm.
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 15, 2016 at 1:00 pm

Hi Sophia,

it seems like he’s still hurting and trying to avoid you because he can’t talk to you yet. But you did good, you’ll leave him something to think about and once he’s ready, he knows you’re open to talking.

Ramona

March 10, 2016 at 8:31 am

Hi guys,

I’d like you to weigh in on my situation for me. I dated a guy for several months, we met online and I was explicit in my profile that I wanted a relationship. On the one hand, our relationship was blissful, on the other it was conflict ridden because: he did not tell me from the initial stages that he was dating other people; that he wanted to remain open to other people; that he was not ready for a relationship.

I told him I didn’t want to date someone who was dating other people, it was just not for me at this stage of my life. I got angry when I found out he was seeing someone else (and blew up at him) and he broke things off …. but came back. I assumed that he came back with the understanding that I wouldn’t tolerate that from him, but then it happened again and I got angry again and I broke things off.

He said his dating people was nothing sexual, primarily platonic to help him figure things out because he was just out of a long. He came back again, said he was seeing only me, but went out on a date again during that time. I got upset again and blew up at him, and another time (when he didn’t go on a date) because his behavior was very reminiscent of the times when he went off the radar to go on a date.

It was only after the last blow-up (about four weeks after his last date with someone else) and him breaking up with me (again), that he verbalized to me that it had been some time since he was seeing only me and he thought I could see from his actions that he wanted/was ready for a relationship. He assumed that I would assume he was dating only me. But I couldn’t because his previous actions said otherwise.

Outside of our conflict over dating, we got along great and I believe had we had a truly honest start, we could have had a great relationship. So much so that when he broke things off, I begged him to come back and start over fresh. We called and texted a couple times in the week after the break-up and saw each other once but he said he could only offer me friendship. I declined.

Can no contact give me the opportunity to start over?

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 10, 2016 at 11:52 pm

Hi Ramona,

Most of the time it can, if not with the relationship, it can work in helping you heal too

Amy

March 7, 2016 at 1:54 am

Hi my bf of four years broke up of me last month because we fought too much and etc. I tried the the NC rule for 28 days and text him. We went on a date but I started being emotional and insecure. He told me the month we were apart was very peaceful. Is it too late to try another month of no contact ?

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 8, 2016 at 12:46 pm

Hi Amy,

nope, but make it worth it because the more you do nc, the less the effect. ..move on without moving on totally..

Ann-Marie Ryan

March 6, 2016 at 1:29 pm

Thank you for your reply. I messed up completely. When we broke up he did most of the talking and I didn’t say much. I met him yesterday by chance after 12 days and told him I wanted us to try again etc. Cards on table could we meet and see how it goes he said he didn’t want to. I asked was he seeing someone and he told me he was asked to go for coffee but said no but they are still in touch. We have a mutual friend who is also her friend and he told me they’re texting constantly (I didn’t ask). So I’m back in day 1 of NC and feel like a fool for telling him how I feel but needed to get it off my chest. He’s entitled to move on if he sees no future with me and I do wish him well. It’s just so difficult to get over someone after 10yrs.
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 4, 2016 at 6:07 am

Hi Ann Marie,

It’s ok you’re not an idiot, you actually replied smartly…Nope, you don’t need restart count.. if he sees your posts, and just keep in no contact, it will increase the chance of him missing you
Nway

February 28, 2016 at 4:18 am

been with this guy in LDR for over an yr. he blocked me on IG and i started to fight. We have many different things in common. we communicate via text only and not talking.He does not want to meet with me and ask me to wait until he came to see me. After I said I need to to forget about him, he said may be i should just forget about him and he is no longer replying all my text until now. To be honest, I have mix feeling and I Don’t know if i really can leave him nor he would hate and leave me.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 28, 2016 at 3:05 pm

Hi Nway,

you need to stop chasibg him.. stop contacting him and put you first.. heal yourself first..

Bummed

February 23, 2016 at 11:29 pm

Hi there, so here’s my sad story and I’d like an outsiders opinion. My ex and I started to date last year in April, he had just gotten out of a semi-serious relationship in March where she broke his heart so I wanted to take things slow so that I wouldn’t be the “rebound girl.” We got closer for the next 4 months and we had some issues but I think it’s just because we communicate differently. He ended it in July out of nowhere saying we were never on the same page, were too different and that it wasn’t working out for him because he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. I was devastated because I was falling completely in love with him at this point and I took it very hard and needed to go on meds. We worked together and two weeks later I found out he already had a new girlfriend and I looked like a fool. I left that job because of it. A month and a half into their relationship and she’s already claiming she’s pregnant but she’s also physically abusive to him and accuses him of cheating (he’s not a cheater by the way). By the two month mark, she claims a miscarriage and he’s a little relieved only because he didn’t want her to be the mother. Anyway, I did the NC for 3 months at this point when he contacted me again a few days after he ended things with her telling me everything that happened. I acted like I wasn’t excited to hear from him meanwhile so happy that he got what he deserved. Two more months go by with out a word from him and I did NC with him as well. This time he came back with the “I miss you I made a mistake” text. I was obviously happy to hear it because I did take it hard and always wanted him back. We talked it over and decided to give our relationship another try, things were amazing and we were talking about making future plans for vacations and getting a dog in the near future, he even spit out the “I love you.” I could tell he meant it but my mind was always on the fact that he left me before and I never knew where his head was at on only given day and this caused problems on my end. He kept promising me that he was’t going anywhere, that I am where he wants to be. So all this happened in a matter of 6 weeks when all of a sudden, a day after promising me he wouldn’t leave again… he dumps me again! Claiming he needs to be alone because he’s been through a lot this past year and it’s hard for him to completely see a future with me. That he’s going to stay single and work on himself to get him to where he needs to be but he wants to remain civil and the door isn’t completely closed for us in the future. I know I sound crazy but I am so completely in love with him that I still want to work things out even though I know that I can’t trust him with my heart because he’s done it before. I’m trying the NC rule again to help myself get over it but I still have hopes we’ll get back together afterward. Is the NC rule a good idea in this situation? Is there any hope in us? I really feel like our biggest problem is our different communication styles.

Bummed

February 25, 2016 at 12:38 pm

Just an update; yesterday he texted me already after day 5 of NC. A generic “Hey, how are you? What did I miss?” I’m worried that he is already texting me because I agreed to remain friendly with him and he is now trying to take me up on that offer. I don’t want to be though of as just a friend, even for the time being. When I ignored him he sent another one stating “I’m truly sorry for everything, hope you have a good day.” Meaning he’s sorry for coming back the second time and leading me on and then dumping me again. Now I’m stuck feeling like he is over it now but doesn’t want to feel guilty about it and there is no chance he would want to try again.
Bummed

February 24, 2016 at 12:57 pm

Thank you for responding! You are completely right. I know he cares for me but when we argue he thinks way too much about it and talks himself out of the relationship; thinking that this is how it’s going to be all the time so I better end it before she ends it and hurts me. He thinks way too much about everything. There is no way he could say all the things he has said to me, make plans and talk about the future only to say he’s starting to think “we don’t fit” because we don’t want all the exact same things. He thinks he is going to be with someone and there is never going to be any problems which is such an immature way of thinking about relationships. He’s a great guy underneath all the b.s. because I’ve seen it and I don’t want to let go of someone I feel in my heart is my “person” just because he’s not ready at this moment. I will go NC, but how else do you suppose I can make him not take me for granted if there is a next time?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 25, 2016 at 9:44 am

You’re welcome.. it’s going to be hard but it’s always being able to state clearly what you want and say why.. having your own life and being a oerson of value and then walk away when you know you’re being taken for granted
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 24, 2016 at 12:06 pm

Hi Bummmed,

I think you need to do nc because you have to love yourself more.. You don’t trust him and yet you want to be back with him.. are you ready to be dumped again whenever he wants? Know your worth, and make him earn so, he won’t take you for granted

V

February 20, 2016 at 12:28 am

We were only together for 3 months. How long should I do NC?

Second question, when he was dumping me he said he fell out of love but cares about me so wants to remain friends. I said I don’t want to be friends and walked away. So when I end NC and text, he’ll likely reply but will he just still want to be friends? Do I have a chance?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 20, 2016 at 10:20 am

For me just do 21 days.. That’s why you beed to build attraction through text.. You have to present value by being interesting and being able to talk to him about things that interest him and also, improve yourself during nc so when he checks your posts, he’ll miss you more

Jinsel

February 19, 2016 at 1:45 pm

My ex and i dated for 10months and officially together for 7 months. We were very much in love during the 1st couple of months. We missed each other alot even though we were apart for just a day or 2. We talked about the future, about having a family , about having kids. He showed me off to all his friends and colleagues and his friends told me how this was the first time he looked so happy and proudly announced he was in love. We also travelled together 3 times. About 2 months ago, i started noticing a gradual change. he started talking about his own plans, plans without me in the future. Eg. i will be going to another country for a short holiday and visit a friend at the same time, i wasn’t invited. He attended a party during new year’s eve with his friends and i wasn’t invited either. Yet, our meetings continued, he called me almost daily and it seems nothing changed. we celebrated valentine’s day and he bought me a gift. 2 days later, i asked him if he would go somewhere with me on saturday and he said he wasn’t available but he could do sunday. i felt insecure and brought up the new year eve’s party matter and questioned why he didn’t invite me. He simply said he thought i’d feel uncomfortable. The very next day.. he broke up with me. He said he still liked me but it didn’t feel enough and he didn’t think his feelings would change even if more time has passed. He wanted more. i cried alot and he cried as well. i could tell it wasn’t easy for him. it has been 3 days, there has been no contact since from either myself nor him. I’m not sure if the no contact rule applies. I don’t know if it would reignite the feelings he had for me before. i was wondering if i was making myself too available in the relationship. whenever he calls, i’ll be available to meet. i would shift my plans around just to meet him. perhaps he never had the chance to chase me and he got bored? if i stick to no contact, do you think he will contact me?

Jinsel

February 29, 2016 at 11:47 am

When you say he chooses to heal, does that mean chances are that he has completely given up and decided to move on? should i break nc? I’m lost…
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 1, 2016 at 8:42 am

it can mean he’s healing to move on but it can also mean he’s healing from the negativity.. it doesn’t mean he won’t want to be in contact again..nope just do nc… Be productive with your nc
Jinsel

February 28, 2016 at 3:41 am

Hi amor, today is day 11. still not heard from him. he put up a status on his messenger “got to love myself in order to love others” What do you think this means? the way i read it, it doesn’t seem like he misses me at all. *depressed*
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 28, 2016 at 3:03 pm

if that is about you, then that means he missea you and now he chooses to heal too
Jinsel

February 23, 2016 at 12:38 pm

Hi Amor, do you think i should do 21 or 30 days?
i have been reading many forums on break up topics and how no contact affects the dumper… essentially they don’t feel anything and i’m losing faith that he’ll even contact me ever again 🙁 it’s day 6 and still nothing.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 24, 2016 at 7:22 am

for 21 days will do…
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 20, 2016 at 6:56 am

Hi Jinsel,

There’s a chance he will because it’s out of your usual character to not contact since you said, you were always available

Heather

February 15, 2016 at 1:32 am

Will this work with a relationship that wasn’t exclusive yet? Also, we are both over 40 dating again, is this workable at our age? Seems like a younger game. We are at day 12 nc. We were dating only 3 weeks. But things were going well then silence. I think he is the stubborn kind waiting for me to show I’m interested.

Heather

March 1, 2016 at 3:43 pm

Okay, now today is day 30. Since he reached out I don’t know if I should respond right away or wait a few days after the day he wrote? And he just said hey baby how are you, do I just answer with a simple I’m doing fabulous? So he knows I’ve been fine without him. Uggg I really hate this. I don’t want him thinking I’ll come running as soon as he texts. Ya know, but at the same time I wonder if he has in fact been thinking about me this whole time.
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 1, 2016 at 4:58 pm

Hmm..reply tomorrow.. and reply with a text that is converstional…
Heather

March 1, 2016 at 2:30 am

I’m in shock…today is day 29 and low and behold I get a message from him! What do I do? Respond right away? Wait? Help! I don’t want to be readily available after he made me wait a month. Lol
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 1, 2016 at 3:31 pm

Nope dont.. 😉 come on, it’s just one more day..you can do this!
Heather

February 21, 2016 at 6:01 am

So what do you recommend? Sending a text after the shortest nc? Is the shortest no contact 21 days? And I’m confused by what you meant about picking his interests. What is that used for? Thanks!
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 21, 2016 at 2:40 pm

Yea, texting phase is the next after ni contact.. I think I used the wrong word.. I think pique his interest is the right word but.. what I mean is, you should interesting topic for him yo make the conversation worth replying… You need to be interesting for him to talk to..and if you a lot or have something about one or more of his interests, then he will want to talk to you
Heather

February 20, 2016 at 1:29 pm

It’s been 18 days since we spoke. So this works best with longer term relationships is what you’re saying?
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 21, 2016 at 5:19 am

hmmm not really longer as in long.. but yours is just too short.. It equates the shortest nc.. so, that means you have to do the shortest nc only..I’m not saying it won’t work. It can make him miss you but nc or not, you have to really think about what you knew about him in those 3 weeks to pick his interests
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 16, 2016 at 6:00 am

Hi Heather,

Yeah it’s applicable..but the concern with you is not actually the age.. three weeks is too short to apply a 30 day nc. how many days has it been since you last talked?

Valerie

February 13, 2016 at 6:39 pm

I don’t understand the strategy of “move on without moving on.” How does it work and how effective would it be?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 14, 2016 at 5:34 am

Hi Valerie,

It means going on ahead yor life like you were moving but still having the agenda of getting him back… Because actually, the process of moving on and getting an ex back is exactly the same.. because men want what they don’t have

jojo

February 7, 2016 at 6:21 pm

Hi. I have been in a 6 years relationship with my ex-boyfriend. We had a fight because I think my boyfriend is starting to take me for granted. He’s just seems a little off everytime we meet. To keep it short, when we broke up I said that if he thinks I am a burden maybe we should just go and start seeing other people and he agrees and we hung up. I came across the NC rule once I broke up and agreed that I should give myself time to evaluate the situation. I didnt even cry at all and I am not depressed. I changed my hairstyle, I went out with my friends more often and I post pictures in facebook but it has been 3 weeks and he did not even call me back or texted me. I am dissapointed on how he is treating me now and I don’t want to compromise with his attitude anymore. I want him to willingly change and realize that he is wrong and realize the things that I have done for him. I have 1 more week till the NC phase will end. Do you think he will find me or should I just move on? And is it normal for him to not react at all? He did not reach out for me at all.. It’s just really disappointing.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 7, 2016 at 6:51 pm

Hi JoJo

6 years is long, do you think the relationship got boring in the last months?

Dana

February 7, 2016 at 7:55 am

Hi Chris,
My boyfriend broke up with me and the entire situation was very strange. We had been fighting a lot in the few months before, and he had tried to break up with me previously but we ended up deciding to work things out. I thought that everything was going really well until randomly one day he began acting very strange, came over, and ended things. The breakup was hard and we both cried. He told me that he didn’t want to break up but that he felt that it was what was best for both of us. It hurt me because I felt like it had come out of nowhere and he didn’t even talk to me about any issues we were having or what was going on in his head…he just ended it. He was coming up with all of these reasons that sounded like excuses. He would tell me that he still cares about me and that he hates to see me hurt, but he would say that he just wasn’t feeling the relationship anymore, he wasn’t happy, we were too different. But none of that really made sense to me because we had never really had any big issues before. For 3 months before we broke up I was very depressed and in a bad place, and he wasn’t himself either, but I was finally getting better and I thought that our relationship was becoming stronger again…until he ended things. I decided to implement NC but a week after we broke up I found a card from our 1 year anniversary a few months before and broke down. I ended up texting him, I played it cool at first and he was being nice, but then I started to get emotional. He caught on to this and started pulling away again. He told me that he was happier since we broke up. I decided to start NC over again and it has now been almost 4 weeks since I last talked to him. I want to reach out again to him soon but everyone is telling me that it’s a bad idea and that I need to give him more space. I feel stuck and I don’t know what to do. I’m also scared because he hasn’t tried reaching out, he removed me from social media in attempts to help us both move on, and I’m worried he still won’t want to talk to me. What should I do?

Thank you!

Dana

February 7, 2016 at 6:28 pm

Hi Amor,

I honestly have no idea. None of our mutual friends have really seen or heard from him since the breakup. He had a lot of his own personal issues. He said he wanted to focus on school and his brother because he felt like he hasn’t been there for him enough. I don’t know if everyone thinks that maybe he needs more time to focus on those things? Or maybe they want him to just move on? I’m really not sure, they just say that it’s not a good idea right now.
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 7, 2016 at 6:54 pm

Oh, then it’s better if you try.. If he doesn’t repky wait another week before sending another text
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 7, 2016 at 5:20 pm

Hi Dana,

why is everybody suggesting to give him more time?

Steph

February 2, 2016 at 8:11 pm

Hello. Regrettably, I found this site too late to implement the NC rule. I contacted my ex the day after breaking up with him to tell him he left some things. When he got here I spoke to him and told him about some realizations that I had. He opened up to me as well but ultimately said it wouldn’t work and left. The next morning I texted to ask if he was sure about his decision. He was vague but said he’d like to stay friends and maybe after we’ve gotten our lives together and improved our attitudes we could become close again. I said staying friends would be painful, but he insisted that exiling him would be unfair, and basically indicated that he’d write me off if I blocked him out so I said I wouldn’t. His last text was open-ended and I think he may text me later. If he doesn’t then I guess it’s safe to start the NC period. But if he does…I feel that if I implement the NC rule now, he’ll become confused, assume I changed my mind and move on.
What do I do?

Steph

February 6, 2016 at 1:08 pm

Thank you
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 6, 2016 at 1:13 pm

Welcome 🙂
Steph

February 5, 2016 at 1:11 pm

On that note, the Deadpool movie is coming up on valentine’s weekend and it was something we were both really looking forward to seeing. I think there’s a 50/50 chance he may ask if I want to go, as a friend. If I accept I may lose the “control position”, but if I decline I may discourage him from future offers. How should I approach this? :s
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 6, 2016 at 9:34 am

Thank you for the compliments Steph. Hmm, if he asks you, you can still gain control by deciding time, asking him to pick you up if he happens to be on the way, those kind of things. 🙂 But don’t over do it or you’ll sound demanding.
Steph

February 5, 2016 at 1:06 pm

Thank you very much. Because of this site and its team, even if I never get him back it’s prepared me to take on the world. Because of the articles I’ve read, I’ve discovered how to appreciate myself more, make changes and understand others better. In just a few days this site has pulled me out of insurmountable depression and uncertainty and put me on the road to recovery, ready to either embrace my happy new life with my ex or accept that it’s not what he wants and move on.
I honestly wanted to buy your book because everything I’ve read so far is so insightful and I can see many reasons why it can continue to help me in the future, even if I have a happy relationship. But it’s really out of my budget right now. Please let me know if there’s ever a sale.
Keep this site going strong! Millions of heartbroken women need you. Honestly, it saved my life. Thank you.
Steph

February 4, 2016 at 4:27 am

I wish I could remove comments before they go through moderation lol. There’s an update to my scenario :s
Turns out he left more things here and wanted to come get them today. In a last attempt to put myself in a positive light I told him about the soul searching I had done and told him that I accept that he needs to move on. He seemed happy and pointed out again that it’s possible someday we may reconnect but told me not to wait for him. He seemed on the verge of tears a couple of times. But he still basically made me feel as though he is done with us. Maybe he wants to pursue a different relationship, who knows.
Anyway, he then made offers to take me for groceries and other helpful things, which I declined. Before he left he gave me a very warm hug and as he was leaving my 3-year-old intercepted him and begged him not to leave. After he left he immediately texted me from my driveway offering to keep in contact with my son. My son adores him and doesn’t have many people in his life so, thinking only of my son, I accepted his offer. The visits will be few and far between but in the meantime I feel the no contact rule is out 🙁
If I start to act strictly friendly and keep it businesslike, wouldn’t that give him the green light to move on completely? I think I have been utterly friend-zoned 🙁
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 5, 2016 at 4:45 am

I think he got alarmed he thought you were moving on… So, basically yeah no contact is off BUT look your best every meet up… thay might sound shallow, but that’s the first level in attraction and then be nice.. You din’t have to be bubbly or go chasing him, just don’t shut him away
Steph

February 3, 2016 at 6:46 pm

* neither of us is right or wrong
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 4, 2016 at 2:09 pm

Honestly it’s not really shutting him out. You’ve said that it’s painful for you. So, it’s like having your own space and time. That’s called respect. You can do it by saying you really need space for you sanity and then just don’t tell him how long.
Steph

February 3, 2016 at 6:45 pm

I feel like there is no winner in that situation. He feels like it would be unfair for me to shut him out, I feel like it would be unfair for him to expect me to stay friends. Neither of us out right or wrong :s
EBR Team Member: Amor

February 3, 2016 at 2:50 pm

Hi Steph,

You already said it was painful for you to stay friends right? And if he thinks it’s unfair for him, wouldn’t it be unfair for you to continue being friends with him even if he knows it’s going to hurt you?

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