What To Do When The No Contact Rule Doesn't Work- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

1,033 thoughts on “What To Do When The No Contact Rule Doesn’t Work”

Chris Seiter

October 1, 2015 at 6:36 pm

He told you that he is seeing someone?
sha

September 30, 2015 at 10:28 am

Hi Chris,

I’m with this guy for a year now but for some reason things have changed and he started telling me he cant commit to anything and all (we were not in a serious relationship because he didn’t want to)
but i was doing NC last two weeks and he contacted me continuously and we ended up meeting after 11days of NC (I know I shouldn’t have done it) the reason was he said he was sick and i didn’t respond then he blocked me i felt i was wrong because he was sick and i should have replied which led to meeting..
After meeting up he still saying that he cant commit and wants to be friends or ask me to leave
Im really in a very bad shape mentally because i feel like he used me (which I let him to)

will you advice me on this please
MsLady

September 28, 2015 at 4:30 pm

Hi Chris,

I believe I put my comment in the wrong area. My post is about the NC Rule and my comment ended up in the area about getting the boyfrirnd to miss you LOL. Maybe I need to repost it. Whew, more typing but I hope it’s worth it LOL. Hopefully I’ll get the chance to do it today.
RR

September 26, 2015 at 6:35 am

Hi chris,
(I’m 19 and ex is 21 if that helps?)

I have a question about the NC . I messed up during the first week. I contacted him 2 via Facebook (1st time he told me has moved on.. this girl likes him and he likes her..” I thought you’d be happy to hear this but it hurts to see you aren’t happy at all” From Ex) and second time (phone text again ” I don’t want to bring this problem and let it affect someone else. Is too late now RR I can’t do anything”)
A week later Uni starts and my ex’s friends and I meet up just to give them gifts that I bought while on vacation.
Turns out my ex decided to join in. His friends asked me if I wanted to see him… I should have said no. But he was right by me (within the area) so I agreed. We sat down face to face after that 2weeks before we broke up.
Nothing I said worked. I tried to explain my side of the story that I made a terrible choice on emotional state. I couldn’t tell him back then. But all he ever said was HOW he felt. I felt sad, I felt hurt, I was dying thinking what was wrong with you RR. Etc etc
I couldn’t take it I cried I bit but he then towards the end he cracked a little joke here and there and I just followed through.
Departed and never saw him again.
Couple of days later I told him. On text that I wanted to be alone and would not wish to see him around Uni and rather go on my own to fix my issues. That I didn’t want to block him from my life(cause that day we met by the way he wanted me to be friends with him and keep contact because he cares for me. Fricken asks about when every my bffs boyfriend meets him plus those days that I broke the NC he was messaging how he was hurt and cares for me a lot bleh bleh when I started the conversation of course he never started the convo since the day we broke up) .

The girl is some girl he went to highschool way back, they never really knew each other until 3months ago while I was vacation FYI
They became besties (On social media she went on to call him a hunk and attractive I didnt know about this until after the break. because yknow I got curious and bff screwed up telling she found who his new gf is) and yeah only 4 days had a elapsed since the day my ex and broke up.

Fun fact after that 1st facebook message about moving on my ex told me I had been stalking their photos on instagram (looking at the girls mostly since she is completely the opposite of me and is madly in love with him and his too which is less open to telling the world he is in a new relationship) Creepy stalker ex things.

Then after seeing him in person a week later I told him that I’m not going to be around , not willing to talk to him and need to be alone to fix my issues and that I don’t want to block him out of my life and that I know he wants me to be in his just as much as I do. (Filling is ego.. I was being a soft twit because the ex said :” you must really hate me right now for moving on, I responded with yes… I have thoughts of cussing at you and strangling you but I’m not that type of person- The day we met in person after our break up)

I messed up pretty much. I’m kind of stuck as to what do I do. At this point I’m set on fixing myself and the problems that caused me to make an irrational and emotional choice. Not because of him but to prevent from happening to others that I love i.e Parents, siblings, friends, cousins etc etc
I just miss him and the things that came with him. The world I never really saw he showed. I really wanted to meet his parents his sister enjoy sitting down and talking with them . I wanted to be a part of his life for a long time. And he thought it would happen to Until I just cut all strings spontaneously without saying a word leading to the fateful day.
NOW My uni Is just a big fat reminder that everywhere I go .. MY EX is present. We go to the same uni and he is graduating this year.

What should I do? I’m stuck and would sure appreciate some guidance.
What now

September 26, 2015 at 12:55 am

So I recently ended 30 days no contact and decided to wait a little longer because I wasn’t completely ready. I finally decided today to send him the first contact text (i hadn’t heard anything from him all no contact, but I did run into him and he just ignored me), but I sent him a really funny meme that he would really like, saying that it reminded me of him and it made me laugh super hard. Its been almost 12 hours and I haven’t heard anything. So my question is, does that text suck or do you think I should take the staggered approach to this and wait another week? (I might run into him again next weekend because of an event we both have to be at).

What now

September 26, 2015 at 6:30 pm

Well he replied at 1am, saying nice and sorry he had a busy day. I played it off like “it’s okay, the meme just made me think of you. But im out with friends, have a goodnight.” But why would he respond so late? Like why at the point even bother to respond? I’m going to wait another week to try to text, but don’t know if I should try to talk to him at the event or just ignore him or just say hi… Let me know what you think. Thanks Chris!

Denise

September 20, 2015 at 8:58 pm

The no contact rule is by far the most stressful thing I have had to do. I realize I cannot personally take someone ignoring me and it has made me emotionally distraught. My ex blocked me and I can feel myself dipping into depression and self harm. I am not in the position to go down these roads so I fight with all I have to not do so. I have obtained two jobs and am working to get myself out of debt. I am also working to increase my credit score as well. A majority of the time I am too busy to think about my ex but this weekend I have not been able to stop thinking about him. I am in desperate need of coaching to help me heal and work with what I do have which is not much. I am willing to pay on the spot for coaching, but since this has not begun yet, I am willing to listen to your advice.

Denise

September 20, 2015 at 8:59 pm

Please help

Bobbi

September 12, 2015 at 9:35 am

My boyfriend broke up with me and after a few weeks of things being on and off he ended things for good.i made contact after six days and he said he needed more space. I then said happy birthday after 24 days of no contact to which he ignored so i said am I not going to get a thankyou. He then said thankyou and that it meant a lot to him. I said your welcome and got no reply. What do I do now
Nicole

September 10, 2015 at 2:11 am

My boyfriend of almost 4 years broke it off with me because he wasn’t sure if it was what he wanted for the rest of his life (he calls it trying to find himself), a month after we split he started dating someone younger. The no contact rule would be easy to do if we didn’t share an apartment together (thou he has been staying at his parents since the split, but is still paying his half of the rent) and have bills together and that’s the only reason we text or talk. I try and keep the conversations to just talking about our bills but it seems like he’s trying to carry on the conversations to talk about stuff besides money. And he’s the one that said we shouldn’t talk everyday because then he wouldn’t know if he really misses me, but yet he trys to drag out conversations….What to do?
Deb

August 21, 2015 at 5:19 am

Okay, here’s the part that I am REALLY confused about, and I did purchase and read your book: what would make NC towards my ex for 30 days any different than it is for me? What I mean is, won’t I ALSO miss him more? Won’t HE start to improve himself and move on and feel better about his situation? If I am struggling to pull myself together and 30 days will help me do that, would it not do exactly the same for him? I guess I don’t understand why he wouldn’t feel exactly the same way and go through the same process I am, thereby healing and feeling better about himself and having less interest in talking to me. Why would he miss me any more than I miss him? I am the one that freaked out and told him never to speak to me again, so really, he’s kind of been “dumped” even though we were not officially together at the time that this happened. Why wouldn’t he heal just as much as I would? Why would he miss me more than I miss him? I don’t get it!

Deb

September 2, 2015 at 2:44 am

No no…he wants me back as a friend. He wants the best of both worlds: a new girlfriend plus me as his emotional support / standby. I have no intention of being an emotional prop while he dates other people.
Deb

August 25, 2015 at 10:00 pm

Oh, believe me, there will be no crying or begging on my part whatsoever. He is the one that screwed up. And the funny part is, I was on my way to being UG…two weeks prior to our blowup I had quit smoking, started working out, bought some new clothes (I actually lost 30 lbs during the relationship) and was generally feeling good about myself–and if you can offer any insight into why this prompted him to throw some other woman in my face out of nowhere, I am all ears. Either way, there is zero chance of any sort of crying or begging on my part. I just wasn’t sure if maybe NC wasn’t really appropriate because he ALREADY wants me back in his life, any maybe giving him those 30 days would convince him that he really doesn’t need me around after all. But I see how taking a break and letting things settle down would maybe be helpful.
Chris Seiter

September 1, 2015 at 9:10 pm

Did he say he wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you? If that is your goal go for it, just make sure he actually wont do it again.
Chris Seiter

August 25, 2015 at 8:42 pm

The NC rule isn’t there to make you get over him. It’s there to reset the relationship and make him miss you. You probably will miss him too but you should keep your emotions under control. The NC rule also makes you more of a prize and makes you seem confident. If you cry, beg him to go back with you or call him all the time how do you think he would view you? Most likely as a push over right? I know it’s scary to do this no contact but give it a shot. If it’s done right its very effective.

Jane

August 19, 2015 at 4:21 am

Hi Chris,

My ex and I broke up last month and after 20 days NC, he suddenly sent me a message online saying I should be less controlling etc with the next guy I meet, maybe we’d be happier. He also said I was way out of line (I really don’t know what he means because when we broke up I just said goodbye and he’ll never hear from me again) then removed me from his contacts. I was so surprised with his message that I replied how hurtful his words are. He did not respond afterwards. I’ve been doing great during the NC period and was actually moving on quite well. Was responding to him a big mistake? Thank you :’)

Chris Seiter

August 19, 2015 at 7:24 pm

It wasn’t the best thing to do but you should still be fine. How long have you been in no contact so far?

Alyssia

August 18, 2015 at 4:18 pm

Hey! If you have the time I’m looking for some insight….

We both get along really well and we have no ill-feelings towards one another. I suggested we don’t talk for a month but on the last day we saw one another he said he didn’t want to see me or talk to me because he knew things would just go back to how they were and nothing would get fixed. He also said he doesn’t see me in his life as more than just a friend.

We have been on again off again for the last three years. Though I’m not really sure how that really worked since we lived together that whole time. It was always a week of walking on egg shells and then we would just go back to normal. He kept saying he wanted things to end and I would tell him since I didn’t want them to, it was up to him to figure out all the details to make things finally over. Well he never did. In the end I was tired of him telling me he didn’t want to be with me but all of his actions said otherwise.

So in the end we both moved back home and haven’t talked in over a month. I am on really good terms with his mom and see her and the dog him and I had together about once a week. His mom is totally in my corner (along with the rest of his family) about him making the biggest mistake of his life by letting me go. I know she pressures him in her own way to get back together with me so I have just told her to stop talking about me all together. It’s not going to help and I don’t think we should be together right now.

What I really need to know is how long I should wait to contact him. He needs to work on being an independent and how to like himself. He couldn’t handle me being in his life because he didn’t feel as though he could focus on himself. Or should I keep waiting for him to contact me?
Kyle

August 4, 2015 at 1:58 am

Hi Chris, I am a gay male who has found your website incredibly helpful. I have been dating a guy for around a month. Towards the end he was a little distant and I acted needy and pressured him to reply to my message. He reacted by telling me that this is becoming too overwhelming for him and he needs a break.

I implemented the NC for 30 days, and during he has tagged me in a Facebook post of a video we used to watch, as well as liking a few of my posts. He didn’t wish me happy birthday.

On the 30th day, I messaged him the “you are not going to believe what i just saw” text and he replied very enthusiastically – within 1 minute. I heeded your advice and waited for 40 minutes to send the next text, but he seemed a little pissed at the extended delay, and he ignored my second text. Basically my 2nd text involved an inside joke that he will no doubt get, which i thought was a winner, but it doesn’t seem like this anymore.

Do I still have a chance? I really, really appreciate your help, Chris. Thank you so much.

Chris Seiter

August 6, 2015 at 10:37 pm

What’s up Kyle!

Ironically this stuff can be effective for gay males as well.

Probably wasn’t a good idea for the 40 min wait.

No biggie. The fact that he responded so fast is a big positive in my mind.

Charlie

August 1, 2015 at 1:11 pm

Hi Chris

My boyfriend and I Broke up on the 17th of July very heated fight and he left the same day on a month holiday, he message me on the 21st asking how I was, I replied saying “not to contact me again” (very upset after him breaking up with me over the phone) I kept my NC then on the 27th his father passed away – he was with him. I sent an email saying: I’m sorry for your loss i hope you are ok. He replied : all good. I appreciate your kind note. after that no contact again (both sides) .
By sending this email, did I break the NC?

Chris Seiter

August 10, 2015 at 10:12 pm

Technically yes but under those circumstances it may have been the right thing to do. Where are you at with him now? Have you spoken since?

D.

July 27, 2015 at 6:34 am

Dear Chris,

I broke with boyfriend two weeks ago. The last contact was 7/20/15. I have been in no contact, but he texted me on 7/26/15. What should I do? Respond to the text or just wait it out?
Sofia

July 26, 2015 at 3:09 pm

Hi Chris,
I did 35 days of NC
Yesterday I sent a “remember when” text message and no response. Is that bad?
Britney

July 20, 2015 at 5:43 am

Hey Chris,
Before the NC my EX would get mad I wold be texting them so much, but then I did the NC and they got mad I wasn’t talking at all ! Do I not reply even then when they threaten to never talk to me again? It’s like they only wana talk when it’s convenient for them..or just keep it short when they do text? Thanks so much Chris !
Jennifer

July 15, 2015 at 6:11 am

Hi Chris 🙂 glad i bumped into your site !
was hoping to see if the NC rule will work for my scenario maybe.

My boyfriend and i met on Christian Mingle and we started out as friends emailing each other multiple times every day ! after 100 emails, i gave him my phone number. We started video chatting after a week. Then on our 6th week of everyday communication, told him the news that i was a single mommy of a 7 month old. He needed three days to think about wether or not he wanted to pursue me still. Later, He forgave me for not telling him sooner. Then two months later, i told him i would like us to be more than friends, and he agreed. So we’re good until last week -_- His behavior started changing on me from “happy to see me boyfriend’ to “silent don’t wanna say much boyfriend. ” So i didn’t want to pry it out, but asked politely, how’s everything going with you ? and he kept saying, ” it’s been good ” he hasn’t been affectionate that whole week nor cared to ask how my day was or how’s anything ! so i got upset and contentment build on me. We had made plans to meet. He bought an $800 ticket from Pennsylvania to Los Angeles to finally see me two weeks prior to this last week of silence

Last night,his behavior didn’t change, and he even contemplated on coming out to meet still. He admitted he was being very indecisive about me. IDK WHY.

so i couldn’t take his ssilence and uncaring behavior and told him how he was making me feel. I was upset. He didn’t like that i did & cuz i said that he seemed to be in this relationship for himself. so he got mad too and said, ” I’m done ” and i literally took it as a break up. Then i sent him a text that night while he was sleeping letting him know that he can just get his refund and go live his life. and I’m done hanging around with him, have a nice life cuz this long distant thing iisn’t working out.

he called me today after his work and i didn’t answer, he left a voicemail saying that he wasn’t happy how i handled that situation. I called him back and left him a voicemail saying he didn’t understand my feelings and that all he said last night hurt my feelings. So he called back and i answered, and he didn’t let me go first on explaining. Then he told me he already cancelled the flight. He then asked, ” so did you mean what you said in your text ? ” and i said, ” I’m not taking it back. ” so he got upset and said, ” that’s all i needed to hear. “and basically ended the conversation by saying, ” ok have a nice life. ” and hung up on him. He texted me afterwards saying that was disrespectful and that i should have a nice life too and hopes i find someone better. and i said, ” ok whatever ”

but i want him to miss me and apologize to me cuz I’ve apologized when i know i did something wrong and he never does -___- i want him to regret losing me.

You think this NC rule will work maybe ?

Jennifer

July 15, 2015 at 6:15 am

Also want to mention that the only reason his behavior changed cuz he was dwelling on the past when i didn’t tell him i was a single mommy. Honestly didn’t say it cuz i wasn’t planning on dating him that time.

Liz

July 12, 2015 at 4:25 pm

Hey Chris: I just have a quick question, I followed every step to get him back and happily it was working, we talked, we flirted, we went out, he hugged me and he even said he wanted to see me again. I was happy again, but I found out he had also gone out with another girl the week before we went out, so I listened to friend’s advice and talked to him about that. I ended up telling him I still had feelings for him. And now everything changed, he’s distant and cold. Should I start the no contact rule again, or did I just completely blew it?
Marsha

July 11, 2015 at 4:17 pm

I have been reading your posts for the last two months and they have helped me so much. I also purchased your ebook and I left a voice message for you last night….When you say that NC is sacred and should never be broken–I believe you. Here is a shirt version of my story: we were together about 4 yrs. We are both in our late 40s. He is emotionally unavailable and has the reputation of being a cheater–in fact, when we first met, I had two of his former lovers tell me all about what a weasel he is. I wish I had listened….He dumped me over the phone at the end of May but kept texting me. I tried not to respond, but other websites (which shall remain nameless!) said that 30 days was too long and if he contacted me I should respond so he doesn’t think I am angry. (BTW–he hates confrontation or arguing and avoids it at any cost). So I would respond and I came across as happy, not needy, etc. I even told him that I have been seeing other guys but nothing serious. Last week, he asked if he could see me and I tried to get him to go to a coffee shop, but he refused–now I know why–he’s seeing someone else. Anyway-I had an hour before I needed to leave for another appointment, so I caved in and he stopped by–we had a great hour talking and laughing and he couldn’t keep his hands off of me–so we had sex. After he sent me six texts telling how much he enjoyed it and that he loves making me feel good and begging to spend the night the next night. So the next day at work, (we work together) I was thinking that we were going to get together, but I didn’t hear a thing from him until about 1pm….he sent me a very terse text saying that he is now with someone else (he named her–she works with us too) and telling me not to contact him because he wants to build a like with her. And then he blocked me. I was not being a t ext gnat and I didn’t call him after the breakup. I know that I shouldn’t have had sex with him, but the chemistry between us has always been strong and sex is amazing and I wanted him to want me back. I need to know what the heck he was doing? Why dump me so callously? I did nothing wrong, and yet, he seems to be playing the victim card…..and since we had sex the day before, I feel so used– he slept with me and then discarded me like an old candy wrapper. I cannot believe how much this hurts….I have never been dumped before and I didn’t realize how painful it is. I just want the pain to stop. I am now going into NC and work on becoming The Ungettable Girl (which is ironic because I have always been the ungettable one….If you could help me figure out why he did this to me maybe I can start healing. We never fought–although I admit to being needy at times due to his past. I am seriously at a loss–I am shattered and I can’t sleep or eat….I have lost 10 pounds in the last few days–and I can’t afford to lose weight as I am petite and underweight. Please please please help me with this….thank you so much and your site is the one that I frequent the most. You give the best advice and I like your written voice–your personality seems to come through in your posts…thank you again…
Nicole

July 2, 2015 at 1:34 pm

Hi Chris!
Thank you so much for what you do, you’ve helped me so much by helping me feel like I have control of the breakup and in figuring out what is going on in my ex’s head. I’m feeling really discouraged right now so I would really really appreciate your help. Basically, my ex and I were trying to be friends after breaking up in November because I studied abroad and we thought it was the best thing to do. However, we still talked during that period and I thought we both stil had feelings for each other. When I saw him for the first time in about 5 months we had a great time, but he kept trying to kiss me and I didn’t let him because I wasn’t sure if he wanted to commit to me again. At the end of the night, I let it slip that I was struggling to move on and he said he thought we shouldn’t get back together but he wanted to be friends. So I found your site and started NC. I know you’re not going to approve of this, but his birthday was a week later and I texted him a simple happy birthday message because we didn’t end on bad terms and want to be friends later. So I decided to start NC over to make sure it was effective. However, last night he called me at midnight and because I was half asleep I accidentally answered and hung up. Then remembering what you said in a previous podcast to the girl whose ex called her on a private number, I thought hanging up was not the best thing to do so when he called immediately after I answered. He said he needed “travel advice” so I tried to briefly help him and get off the phone ASAP but he kept talking to me, told me that I was being rude and immature for ignoring him, asked me if I’ve been on any dates, and asked me if I wanted to get lunch with him and I said no. I actually just went on my first date a few hours before and I’ve been eating very healthy and working out so I’m trying to follow your advice. He said he would try calling me again later. I’m extremely disappointed in myself for answering the phone, especially because it was an accident, and I know I would have had the willpower to ignore him if I was fully conscious, and the conversation went on longer than it should have because he wouldn’t let me hang up. Should I restart NC again or try a different approach? Based on his reactions it seemed to be working well, but I’m just worried it will lose its effectiveness by now. I’m not sure if I want him back but I definitely want to be in control of the situation. What should I do now??

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1,033 thoughts on “What To Do When The No Contact Rule Doesn’t Work”