What To Do When The No Contact Rule Doesn't Work- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

1,033 thoughts on “What To Do When The No Contact Rule Doesn’t Work”

question for you chris

June 30, 2015 at 10:42 pm

oh wow hello, thank you for answering.

CHRIS I broke the nc on the 13th day! ,he kept calling and texting to meet up, it was then I responded that I can’t meet up and we can reschedule for another time. he had ignored me since then. so now what? Should I start again ? i can`t ignore him for too long , the relationship was only 3 months young and he said i never showed him enough affection, so what you think?

Thank you again!
question for you chris

June 22, 2015 at 9:28 pm

Hey chris i have a question for you

Would the 30days NC rule still will work if you dated only for 3 months and he said i never show him enough affection ?
(isn`t that too much time in this case) can i use 21 days instead of 30 ? this is my 10th day
seems like u forgot this thread haha

Thank you

PD i know you have many comments here, but i`m taking your site and your word as the bible lol also and i don`t want to make mistakes , so if you can answer me would be great

Chris Seiter

June 29, 2015 at 6:35 pm

Yes I think it would.

But just to be safe you can shorten it to 21 days due to the affection thing.

Cate

June 4, 2015 at 9:32 am

Hi! My boyfriend broke up with me about six weeks ago because he said our relationship wasn’t working and he had fallen out of love. We dated for over three years nd I have been doing NC for over 30 days now. He has not contacted me and I now it is partly because he is a very proud person ja partly because he always starts running away from failed relationships. This is why I am scared of contacting him because he may either not answer or then he is very distant. I am also growing more and more sceptical about getting him back. I can imagine that in the future he will ignore me and act distant like he has done with his other exes because he doesn’t know how to handle feelings. Do you think I should soon text him something?
sofia

May 30, 2015 at 3:23 pm

Hey. my boyfriend and i broke up because he said he needed space, he was confused and didn`tknow what he wanted. But this happened 2 months ago, what should i do to get him back together? we are goingo to prom together, any tips?
Laura

May 29, 2015 at 1:14 am

Hi Chris!

So my boyfriend of a few months broke up with me 2 days ago after we went on a break for a little bit. Both of us had a lot of stress in our lives, and when we met up 2 days ago I made sure not to be desperate, etc. I was crying, i admit, and I told him that all the problems he’s citing are fixable and in fact are being fixed right now. He cited other reasons (all on me basically) that I know are BS, and I told him he was only focusing on the negative. He was being pretty immature about it, honestly.

Long story short, I’m going to be following your guide. I sent him a text today like you say we should do if we didn’t end on the best note, the one where I say “No hard feelings, wish you the best, etc.” This is the only communication he has received from me since I left after our breakup conversation. I didn’t expect a response for at least an hour or perhaps ever, plus he was at work. He responded immediately with 2 texts, very positively. A friend of mine witnessed it and we both couldn’t believe it. Definitely helped me feel more confident! Now, no contact officially initiated 🙂
Jamine

May 26, 2015 at 3:39 am

Hi Chris,

I’ve been doing NC well after our breakup and today is the day 30. I got a message from him last weekend (9days ago) and he said he had had a erotic dream about us and dont reply. (I didn’t reply at all.) I was going to send him a first text msg this week, maybe on day 35 (I got your ebook!) but I’m not sure how he is feeling about us at this moment, I mean, cuz of this msg, I’m so confused about his feeling and thinking. Do I need to care about the his msg (about erotic dream)? or just ignore it and send the first msg which I was going to send?
Bianca

May 22, 2015 at 5:39 am

I’m on day 13 of NC and I’m actually feeling good. I feel “not worried”. It would be wonderful to be able to talk to him again though. Earlier this week a friend of his offered me a ride home and it was kind of weird not talking about him but I made sure not to give her something to tell him. I haven’t seen or heard from him, but I’ve seen a lot of his friends in public and I’ve always looked good and was very nice to each one of them.
I’ve started Yoga which makes me feel peaceful. I’ve lost weight also. I guess if I’m striving for anything right now it is to have peace.

I really like what you’re doing here. I appreciate the topics. I come here to read when moments of missing him are very strong. And so far it looks like odds are on my side. It’s there anything right now you suggest that I do? Please let me know. Thank you.
Alicia

May 11, 2015 at 7:29 am

Hi Chris,

I did a 41 days of NC.. because at the 15th day of my original NC, I contacted him due to his health issue. After that, I restarted NC and on 41th day, I accidentally called him on his cell. I ended it immediately of course but it left a Missed Call notification to him. He texted me 4 hours later asking “You called?”, I responded by “I pressed wrongly, thanks for asking”. Then he ended the conversation by “Okay, take care then.”

He used to respond to me immediately regardless of what situation but now he responded 4 hours after. Is this a bad sign? And his cold tone in his text. Does that mean that he had moved on? I do not know what to do. I wanted to text him more and call him but I am afraid that I will destroy things further. During the first and second of NC, he never contact me at all. Is this another bad sign as well?

Just some background:-
We were together for 7 years, we met in University when I was 21 and we had be together ever since. I used to stay at his place. But last year, I went to work at another country for 9 months. I came back and stayed with him for about 3 months. Things seemed just like before I left. But, I couldn’t get a job and I was offered a job at another city. I moved to the city and he dumped me a week I was there.

Any advice is greatly appreciated please…
Maddie

May 10, 2015 at 1:11 am

Hi Chris!
I’ve read a lot of your guides on this sight and i find all of it very helpful! I do have a question about the nc rule though. I am currently on day 23 of my nc rule and I have not texted my ex once. However, I go to school with my ex. Yesterday he came up to me at school. I had found out that he had been talking bad about me (making fun of my instagram wishing guys i talk to “good luck” etc.) and he came up to me after school because he found out that I knew what he said. What happened was that he came up to me and said he never said any of that stuff about me. Before he really had a chance to say anything I had said to him that I don’t want to talk to him if he is just going to be mean to me. He said he wasn’t trying to be mean he just wanted to know who had told me that he was talking bad. I said Justin (a guy I’m friends with one of which he had wished “good luck” to) and he said I never said any of that stuff I don’t even follow you on instagram I never even saw your videos (i post singing videos). I responded with that’s a lie i heard you listening to them after school one day. I turned around and walked away. My question here is do I have to start my nc period over again if he came up to me in person? I tried my best to avoid the confrontation as he had texted me asking to talk to me (I did not respond) and tried to get my attention several times all of which I “did not notice”. The conversation was short and several times I told him I didn’t want to talk to him if he was going to be rude.
Emma

May 8, 2015 at 2:36 pm

my ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago, we work together every other week, in-between we don’t text or speak, he has tried to text me a few times and i have stupidly replied- angry at myself. He is always eager to talk to me yet 2 weeks ago he was telling me he hasn’t changed his mind and doesn’t want me back, we split up because everything got “to much for him’ after the break up he wanted me back but never contacted me, only weeks after did he say he initially wanted me back. today i saw him at the gym and he came over to talk to me, told me about his family, we are in work together tomorrow so said he will see me tomorrow. i want him back more than anything as the breakup was so silly and sudden, but i have no clue what he is thinking.
Anna

May 8, 2015 at 11:36 am

Hi Chris

Thank you so much for such wonderful blog!

I broke up with my boyfriend and he broke up with me after a huge and heated fight. I had to promise him to never ever contact him again and delete his number. So I did do that. We also removed each other from Facebook. I still want him to write to me and at least apologise for all the things he said to me, since they were so horrible. I just want him to realise things.
Do you think there is a chance he will contact me if I apply the NC rule, even thought he asked me to never contact him ever! Well I have to do it anyway since I promised, but in a way I still feel weak at times and want to contact him. But since he made it sound so much that he does not want any contact with me at all, do you think that he might change his mind and write me?
Christie

May 3, 2015 at 10:25 pm

Chris,

Firstly, congratulations on what is undeniably an incredibly resourceful (and well thought out!) guide. I was hoping you might have some advice for my situation?

I have a slight role reversal here. My ex is actually the one who has explicitly said he will not contact me (and he is true to his word). This has stemmed from the fact that each time we see each other, if alone, we end up getting together. He understands that this hurts me and recognizes I am still emotionally invested. He suggests a few months of avoiding each other completely so we can both “move forward”.

How often is it the ex who instigated NC? I feel at a little bit of a disadvantage and as if I’m not in the ‘drivers seat’ so to speak.

Background for you: I’m 23, he’s 21. Together for about a year (LDR 3 months), I was his first girlfriend. Moved to his city a few months ago, will be here until the end of the year. We broke up (November last year) because he admitted that, despite his physical attraction for me, he no longer has feelings for me (“routine” and “the magic is gone”). The reasons were only revealed to me in Feb when I moved here.

So any advice when NC is being used against you? He’s true to his word, can guarantee he absolutely will not cave.

Well done again on all of your work and I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts on this!

C.
lesley

May 2, 2015 at 5:31 pm

hi ive been dating a guy since new year and 2 weeks ago he started pulling away. the after 2days silence from him after he said he wanted to give me space I msg him to ask if he still wants me and he says not sure. he says hes not happy that guys have been leaving romantic comments and when he was last round a guy msged me. I had only responded to be polite. at the time he didn’t say anything but weve barely spoken for 2 weeks. ive been bit of a text gnat and he would send one msg a day. hes still checking my social media but is pretty angry. Thursday he said that he never txt any girls and that I cant expect him to accept this as he thinks I think its normal.
SMJR

April 27, 2015 at 7:49 am

Chris,

Woke up really struggling today…I’m at day 22 NC and have done brilliantly so far and not done any of the standard things women do. I haven’t heard anything though from him. It was a depressive ‘seeing no future for us’ breakup despite him
Saying I’m amazing, and I walked away gracefully. I want to try again though. We are Facebook friends and can still see each other’s posts.

Help, I’m struggling.
christina

April 26, 2015 at 4:53 pm

Hello Chris. first of all sorry for my bad english. I need your help.
My boyfriend (ex) and I had been dating for 2 and a half years. It was going great….sometimes he used to say things were going bad but I never understood why he said that, so I was like “no, everything’s fine”, and that made him mad every time. So 3 months ago he broke up with me because of a jealousy issue. I didn’t know anything about the NC rule so I did all the opposite. I tried to call, sent him letter saying how sorry I was etc. Well, for some reason it woke out for me and we got back together. I was so happy! BUT 2 weeks ago, it happened again. We had a little fight, about something really dumb, and suddenly he got all mad and said it was over. I was shocked, of course he saw me crying and everything. The next day I came back to his house to pick up all my stuff and we had a talk. He said we should’ve never come back last time, he said it was a mistake. He said he was really worried about me because I was depending on him very much. He asked me not to contact him and try to get back with him because “that’s not going to happen”. So after all that and more, he said he loves me, we hugged, and I left. It’s been 2 weeks since that day and I’m using the NC rule, I’ve followed it perfectly. Sometimes I feel very sad and I miss him like crazy though :/ it’s been very hard. What do you think? Am I on the right path? Cause he asked me not to talk to him….so I’m making his wish come true :/ I don’t know….please help me!
Amanda

April 22, 2015 at 6:49 pm

Hi Chris,

My boyfriend and I have broken up and he has asked me for space. So I am not contacting him. I really want him back. But I am waiting for him to contact me with an answer whether he wants to work things out or move on so should I still imply the no contact rule? I also emailed u my situation.

Chris Seiter

April 23, 2015 at 12:38 am

Yes I would still use NC.

Amanda

April 22, 2015 at 8:31 am

Chris, what if after our breakup my ex asked for space and for me not to contact him. I’m waiting for him to contact me and give me an answer whether he wants to work things out or move on. Should I still imply the 30 day no contact rule even if he contacts me with an answer?

Chris Seiter

April 23, 2015 at 12:23 am

If he doesn’t answer then do the NC rule. If he does and says he wants to be with you then you can answer.

Angel

April 20, 2015 at 9:41 pm

Hi Chris, I been reading your website along with a bunch of others and I haven’t really come across anything that answers my situation. Ex and I were friends first, he chased me for a couple of months then I gave in and we dated for 7 months. All was going well, we hung out all the time then unexpectedly broke up with me. Mainly because he needed to focus on himself and get his individually back. I didn’t meet up with him after he asked to meet as he felt so bad how ended and I was too emotional. I did NC for a month! Bumped into him and he suggested we catch up for a drink. We do and goes well, I’ve improved but he has been going out and doing the opposite of all the self improving things he wanted and broke up with me for. He tries to kiss me when I tell him I still have feeling and get me back to his place but I dont and he apologies via text as he was drunk. We have since had a few blocks of text. Where I’ve initiated and he has responded. It’s been a week of NC and I’m thinking if he wants me back now it’s his turn to make a move. I feel like I’ve done everything right in the book and he has not once msg me or given any signs that he wants me back since we broke up 2 months ago. Should I keep contact or do moving without moving on?

Angel

April 22, 2015 at 11:47 am

He wanted to see me and I thought I did right by NC for a month? What would you recommend I do now? Should I try stay in contact and build rapport or just leave it and move on? Its doesn’t seem right for me to initiate contact all the time?
Chris Seiter

April 21, 2015 at 5:39 pm

I think part of the issue is you didn’t build any rapport or seduce him at all before you saw him in person (after NC)

Rachel

April 20, 2015 at 2:04 pm

Chris,

I’ve messaged you a bunch but have gotten no answer via Facebook, email, recordings, comments. I really need some advice since I graduate college in 3 weeks and will potentially never see my ex again. We dated for 1.5 years and both called it quits– his heart wasn’t in it and I’m sick of being his doormat. We’re great together, but he wouldn’t try anymore. He wants to be “best friends” for the time being. What do I do?
mara

April 19, 2015 at 5:14 am

I and my boyfriend broke up over a week ago. We’ve been together for over 3 years. Our first and 2nd year together was bad due to our past relationship experience. We got engaged after 1 year as bf,gf and all a sudden he change his mind not to get married nad and doesn’t want to have kids. I freak out when he totally made up his mind that he doesn’t want kids, I get up set and bothered him because he saw me so depressed. I told him before that I need to know what he really wants for his future because I don’t want my time get wasted if he is not interested to get married or to have kids. Lately, we had deep and very serious conversation about our problem and still I was so depressed. He told me he wants to travel sometimes by himself and I get upset because it feels like he doesn’t want me to be with him.
Now, biggest concern after we broke up, we still living together but in separate room. After we broke up, I beg a lot and had physically contact with him twice but after that I stopped. I did not come home for 2 nights with no contact with him. He did not call or txt me. Actually, before I did that..we already talked about our situation. He told me he will never go back to our relationship.
Yesterday, I decided to come but I txted him that night too to see how is he doing and replied to my txts. I am still cofused because looks like he is not affected anymore even I tried or pretend to be happy and look mysterious for him. Sometimes he invite me to watch our favorite show and tell me what he did for the last 2 days no contact. Please help me, I think no contact rule wont work for him now because he was very clear to me that he will respect all my decision and told me that he wants to move on. I really tried hard to move on and avoid him. What should I do???

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1,033 thoughts on “What To Do When The No Contact Rule Doesn’t Work”