What To Do When The No Contact Rule Doesn't Work- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

1,033 thoughts on “What To Do When The No Contact Rule Doesn’t Work”

Liliana

June 9, 2020 at 4:55 am

Hey !

What if I start the NC rule on someone who said ” he isn’t ready for a relationship”?

I didnot screw the situation. I just agreed and I didnot pressure him .( actually there wasn’t a relationship . We had long distance connection and we both had interest on eachother. After waiting of 6 months I confessed him that I have feelings for him. Then he said he isn’t ready)

then I started the NC . It’s been 2 weeks now. So is it worth waiting around him by doing NC or should I move on?

Help me ! I’m confused

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

June 11, 2020 at 1:28 pm

Hey Liliana, yes there is a chance that NC can work as you have been talking for such a long time he is going to feel the loss of contact with you.

fibiiiii

May 12, 2020 at 7:54 pm

Hi
Thanks for your guidance
I had a good relationship with someone and lied to him
I asked him for a chance, but he refused
I have been no contact period / 3month
but But he is not interested in me and I see his photos while traveling and having fun
Deanna

March 12, 2020 at 10:38 pm

I’ve been best friends with a gentleman for two years. We were friends with benefits. The way he treated me half the time was like he loved me. The other half of the time, he did things to make sure I knew that he didn’t Love me. We fought because of those things. Example: He would come to me and ask me for advice on a girl that he was into and messed up on. Then tell me he was sorry. He was trying to find a way to tell me. I would leave then and he would be furious with me for leaving. But it would hurt too much talking to him, knowing he was with someone else. Or he would tell my girlfriend that I was not for him and he was not for me. And then when I would stop talking to him he would be furious with my girlfriend with betraying his confidence. Or he would insist that he says to me that he does not love me and never will. Over and over again. I would walk away again because it hurt so much to hear it. And he would be angry with me for not finding a way other than leaving to deal with it. We finally agreed that it we were to be friends, he had to keep his lack of feelings to himself and I couldn’t hear about his escapades with other women. But he couldn’t keep to it. I tried to explain that I didn’t need him to be my boyfriend or say he loved me, I just needed him not to put his lack of feelings in my face if we were to be friends. He very angrily said, “But you get everything except words of love from me. Don’t you”. Yes. I did. He said that he needed to be honest with me and tell me everything. And I should find a way to manage my feelings. He was angry with me for not being able to find a way to deal hearing his feelings other than leaving. I tried to explain again and he said, “This is too much stress. I’m tired of trying to fix it. This isn’t working”. I let him go without a fight. It’s been 30 days. He has made no effort to contact me. He found two new friends. He doesn’t look at my story or social media. Nothing. I want him back, but I don’t want to change myself. I’m not willing to be his friend and have him continually put in my face how he doesn’t feel about me. So, I don’t want to reach for him when I feel that he needs to be the one that changes. If I reach for him, I feel like that will give the message that I’m willing to accept his conditions. And I can’t do that. What I wrote about him here makes him sound like an a**. But largely he was incredibly sweet and attentive. Fighting to keep me there, telling me that he didn’t grow up with the word, Love. His parents and siblings never said that. So look at his actions, not his words. He told me constantly that I was his best friend and he wanted no one there like he wanted me there. And that he told me everything and went to me with everything. He did. But he also kept having to find ways to let me know that he’d never Love me. No contact is over. I didn’t break it. But one guy that was in Love with me DID go to him about a week before it was over. He did it on purpose to spite me because I cut him out of my life. It was revenge. I told him NOT to. He told my friend that I told him not to tag him in things. I said no such thing. I WANT him back. But I am not willing to change and allow what he wants. I need him to understand that if we’re going to be anything, he can’t do what he was doing. But part of me thinks, the way he’s acted and the way he’s been during no contact, is showing me that he really has no interest in anything but friendship. It was so important to me that he was willing to hurt me over it repeatedly. But we were SO close. He treated me like he loved me. He wouldn’t even allow one day to go by without talking. For the entire two years that we were friends. He had to take me EVERYWHERE. All his family gatherings. All his festivals. He looked at me Always as if I was the most important thing to him. I don’t understand. He’s not trying to have anything to do with me. I’m 53 and this is the closest thing I’ve ever gotten to a relationship with anyone I have feelings for. I don’t fall easy. I don’t require just any guy. We actually have to have things in common. He has to be talker at least. Most guys aren’t. Most guys don’t have anything in common with a girl unless the woman likes things topically associated with a boy. I Don’t know what to do.
favour

February 21, 2020 at 3:59 pm

i and my bf broke up on 7 of jan we had a terrible breakup and i did the no contact rule for a month and called on 8th of feb we greeted me well and sounded like he had really missed me and after 3 day i called him but he didnt pick about 3 times and and didnt call back so i went into the no contact rule again still he hasnt called back now am confused and scared cos when we broke up he told me that to move on and forget about him but he stil had my facebook picture in his profile though i blocked him on facebook am so scared that i dont know how to reach him and mess things up and at the same time lost him forever i really love him and want him back so what method do you think i can use to win him back though i havent called him since he ignored me then my bf had really love me and wanted me to marry him bt i messed everything up am so confused

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 2, 2020 at 6:19 pm

Hey there favour so when you do no contact you are supposed to take that time to focus on yourself to become Ungettable, and you are also supposed to use that time to read the program. You are not supposed to phone your ex after a no contact, you are supposed to reach out with a text message that Chris suggest that breaks a pattern interrupt to get him talking. Its supposed to be short and positive and not about your relationship. Then you are supposed to work yourself up the value ladder talkign to your ex thorugh messages and leading to phone calls and meet ups.

persia

February 20, 2020 at 9:13 am

Hi. me and my boyfriend were classmate in the university. after graduation he wanted me to be his girlfriend.
I was in a bad situation those days and I couldn’t show him my love and feeling correctly and I had a lot of responsibilities at work and home. I said him about my complex situation and he said he has not any problem with them and wants me to be in his life.
We called and texted each other everyday. we were in a long distance relationship. He always talked about future and things and works we wanted to do together.
He was working on his thesis and he was busy and still he is.
He wanted me to give him space about two weeks to work on his article.
after that two weeks, we wanted to see each other. I painted his portrait and wanted to give him. the night before we met,he said “I can’t come to see you. i’m busy.” I called and texted him and he didn’t answer. I got mad at him and send him some angry texts and i cursed him 😀
He only said “we will talk at night” and he didn’t.
I said him if you want to break up this way tell me. he didn’t reply.
some days later I texted him again and he sends me some selfies of himself and said” i miss u”. I called him the day after that but he didn’t answered. two days later he texted me that when can I call u? I was pertinacious and texted him so cold and short. he didn’t called that night,
after that every time I called him he rejected me or his line was busy .one day i apologized him for my immature behavior. he didn’t replied again. I said him your reaction is bothering me, let’s talk and solve this problem. he only said we will talk but didn’t call.
one day I said him if you don’t want this relationship I’ll go and become friend with another guy that care about me and my feelings. He was sorry and said he was just busy. we wanted to study together. I told him i’m going to study for master, you were supposed to help me in this process. again he only said I’m busy and i said if you only have no time for me I think I have to forget you and do my works myself, he accepted that and said “you go with another boy and I’ll go with another girl.its better to break up because you talked so bad with me ”
I told him “every time i called you, you didn’t answered and ignored me and didn’t care about me. it was not only my fault.”
we had an argue and broke up.
some days later I texted him: “let’s come back together, i love you, I’m always beside you. I was in a bad situation those day and…” He answered I’m busy with my thesis,
i didn’t text and call him about one week. new year has arrived and I texted him . he didn’t answer. i texted him next week and said him i wanna talk to you. he answered and said ok we will talk. i called him but he doesn’t answered.
I did no contact after this happened. Its about 35 days now and I haven’t received any answer from him. what should i do ? Is he over me? help meeeeee

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

February 27, 2020 at 9:53 pm

Hey, so I see you have completed 35 days is there a reason you have not reached out with a text that Chris suggests? That is supposed to break the ice and get your ex talking to you again to re attract him slowly

Nikky

February 18, 2020 at 6:47 pm

Hi,
I texted him after 3 months of no contact and he said he wanted to know everything that happened in my life in the past 3 months, but I did not share everything in the beginning. He said one of his friends passed away and he went through a bad phase. From his texts I understood he wanted to share that with me., it lasted about 2 weeks. After that he stopped texting me, its been 4 days. Should I text him again?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

February 20, 2020 at 11:01 pm

Hi Nikky yes you need to reach out again when its been around 10 days with a text about something where you are asking for advice something you know he would be able to advise you on

Chandra

January 9, 2020 at 4:15 pm

It has been over 30 and 90 days since me and my ex have had any type of conversation I did the no rule contact and like your articles here I’m reading yes the no contact rule have not worked I reached out and waited longer than two weeks still no reply I read and understand how it may work but in my case it has been nothing I’m about to literally move on since it seems easy for him to but before I just do completely not do just move on do you have any other examples to help me to get him to respond it worked the first time when we broke up but this time I really don’t see a respond a change or anything just asking cause I’m good with moving on myself b

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

January 11, 2020 at 7:09 pm

Hey Chandra, so did you reach out with a text that Chris suggests? One that is focus on hooking his attention? Breaking a pattern? About his interest? There are many articles here about texting so make sure you read those before you reach out to your ex again so you are confident your first texting plan is strong

Dolores

December 31, 2019 at 4:26 am

me and my ex broke up in may, we talked for a month after the breakup then i went no contact, without knowing what it was at the time, and at the very last week of nc i blocked him for a week and then unblocked him. in late july he began viewing my stories on instagram before he eventually followed me again a week later and messaged me on that same day. he said he missed me, was sorry for how he treated me and asked if i was willing to try us again, so i gave him another chance but only under the condition of talking about it and taking things slow. about a month has passed and he didn’t come through. another month and he didn’t come through or showed me that he’s changed. another month and nothing. last month i asked him if he what he said was true and he tried to avoid the question and eventually said it was a “weird situation.” so i went no contact on him again, i still had him on snapchat for about a week or so until i unadded him again and on instagram i removed him from my followers and blocked him for a day. he viewed my story on my birthday and christmas but never tried to contact me. lately he hasn’t really been “stalking” me anymore so i don’t know if it’s because he knows about the nc rule or if he genuinely moved on and lied to me. i still miss him and i’m angry but at the same time i want him to reach out again like before.. i honestly don’t know what to do and i felt like i had no other choice but to leave him alone.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

January 3, 2020 at 6:08 am

Hi Dolores, so I’m wondering have you reached out at all as you have had a long time since the break up and have spent some time doing no contact even though you didnt know about it at the time? What work have you done during your break up to improve yourself? I would reach out to your ex and start a conversation if you have not had any interaction for at least 21 days now

Sarah

December 1, 2019 at 11:43 am

My ex had a bad depression issue. And he broke up with me. We tried to work it. But 1 month ago he broke up with me saying he can’t do it. I make his depression worse. All I think I did was support him through out. But he blames me for everything that happened. I even begged him to come back. But he didn’t. It’s been one month since our breakup. Things have been really complicated. Sometimes we meet and he says he still loves me but can’t be with me because we complicated everything up. I thought of no contact period but we work at the same place. How to do the no contact thing when he basically sees me everyday?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

December 1, 2019 at 11:05 pm

Hi Sarah, so sometimes people find it easier to blame the way they are feeling on someone, like your ex has to you, with you out of the picture and you doing your no contact to work on yourself. He is going to realise that you were not the issue and he is still depressed. What you may find is that you will take a long time to make progress with him until he is actually doing some positive work to help his mental state. So for now you need to No Contact and do the work that it takes to become ungettable. As for how to do this when you see each other every day, its called limited no contact where you only speak if it is essential, where you keep it strictly business and do not speak about emotions, the relationship or the break up

Engie

November 12, 2019 at 1:46 pm

He dumped me on November 1st. I begged repeatedly for about 2 hours (he stayed on the phone with me while I cried until he just hung up). I haven’t spoken to him since. I don’t want to, though I miss him a lot of the time. I’m not ready for him to come back. I woke up one morning and he had blocked me on some social media. So I blocked him on the rest of the social media’s and I blocked his number to stop the anxiety of hoping for a text to pop up from him. He owes me a lot of money (about £800) and it’s money I need back (he gets paid at the end of the month)… at the end of the money, how do I ask him for my money but in a way that doesn’t compromise his likelihood is coming back? I was planning on not talking to him for 60 days. A large part of me is really angry with him.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

November 12, 2019 at 7:46 pm

So as you want the money back you need to unblock him ask for it directly, explaining you need it back. Then do not speak to him about anything else just go back into NC. It is not great that oyu have blocked him as if you want him to come back in the end you need to show him how indifferent you are by him leaving and how youre happy in your life right now

Jen

November 2, 2019 at 4:37 pm

I dont have him on social media unfortunately! When I got him to text me back initially I did so with something I knew would catch his eye but then he just…stopped. So it’s now been 2 texts he has not responded to. Any other tips?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

November 9, 2019 at 12:11 am

Try one more time with a text that Chris calls a confession text, look for the the article or YouTube video where you can learn about the types of messages that get exes to reply

Jen

October 30, 2019 at 4:06 am

My ex and I split up in July. Did a month NC, texted back and forth, got him interested, and then he stopped responding. texted last week…nothing. Do I call him out on this?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 30, 2019 at 12:37 pm

Hi Jen, no you need to give him some time. SOMETIMES they back off because they start to feel old feelings which is where you need to stay calm and not appear as “needy” so up your social media UGness and do something you know he would have liked to have done. This may get him to reach out, if you done hear back from him within a week try again with a “you’ll never guess what I did” and tell him about an interesting activity or something he would think was interesting

Tamara

October 25, 2019 at 1:12 am

I’m posting this in response to your “if you have any other reasons it didn’t work” comment. I “broke up” with my boyfriend a little over 2 months ago cause he was being the general disrespectful self he is and it was getting worse, plus 2 dates in a year so not much of a relationship for me and dating was one of my known expectations. At first I said nothing but then started the 30 day no contact rule. I made it through and texted him on Monday when he needed help with his new phone, I helped him because we have children so he needs a phone. I texted your awesome first texts after no contact (to test his phone), and he seemed thrilled and nicer. Anyway, today I was finishing the work on his phone and had lunch with him and saw a letter from his deceased grandma addressed to family, which I consider myself to be cause I’ve been with him 7 years, and he snapped “don’t read through my mail”. I lost my appetite, told him I felt disrespected and left, and he refused to apologize even though I did for reading his mail. I’m not sure whether to do the staggered or extended approach as the first no contact seemed to work until he did the thing I broke up with him for in the first place. So he didn’t change like I was really hoping for, because I love him and we have kids. Anyway, that’s my other reason it didn’t work, because he’s too stubborn to fix what’s wrong with us (Btw, he was the midcaller/ignorer type).
Kiara

October 15, 2019 at 6:14 pm

We’ve been togther since a year. Initially he hurt me thrice but I let him in and gave him chances to work it out and he was pretty serious about us after that and then over a month we’ve been having fights about his insecurities regarding certain guys and the fact he wanted to make our relation public which I was never convinced of. Eventually we had a fight n he broke up with me and I told him I don’t mind doing anythin he says he’s like why now it’s too late. He told me to move on. During the first week of our breakup I kept tryna contact him go to his house n meet him and leave in messages n he said he wants his space and he’s getting annoyed with the things I’ve been doing. And eventually he called me once in between coz he said he’d call and after I though things were normal so I tried reaching out too but he again told me to stop calling and rach ain’t out to him coz he needs space and his parents have become strict regarding him being on calls. And after that I decided to apply the NCR and try taht it’s been awhile he hasn’t contacted. Now he feels he’s gonna move out fo the city in few months to study there and he thinks it’s best for us not to be togther and concentrate on his career as our fights were effecting that and he didn’t want to risk that. But it’s very unlikely of him to even breakup with me coz he always told me not to give up on him or leave him and thsi happened suddenly. All my friend told me he’s very firm about his decision he might not come back and he wouldn’t hurt you so much n be so rude if it wasn’t the case. The fact that he told me we need to learn to live without each other and move scares me as I feel the NCR might fail coz he’s using this space to get over me. How do I get things right and him back when he’s so firm with his decision if we not getting back?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 15, 2019 at 8:33 pm

Hi kiara, so you need to start with completing a NC and making sure that you work on yourself in that time so when you reach out again youre happier and more confident in yourself. You need to make sure that you become the best version of yourself. Hes firm on his decision as hes not long made that choice give him some time to miss you

Trupti

August 30, 2019 at 1:24 am

Hyy I am trupti.me and my boyfriend has a relationship of 3 years physical and mentally we are close but he break up with me because of my religion.we had agrument etc I used no contact rule then for 30 days but he still didn’t contact to me.i can’t live without him please help me so that he would come back to me forever please help
Tina

July 7, 2019 at 7:41 pm

My ex bf broke up with me 5 months ago, i begged him so much since then but he never returned and once he told me that he lost interest over the relationship before 4 months, it really broke my heart .
“He wants a girl who is independent, of course i am .. we are all in fact. But in love we want them always that doesn’t mean that we are dependent its just love and these guys never understand that anyway.”
Coming to the no contact rule i did that many times and broke it too,but he just never responded. He is not following me on Instagram too.
I moved from that city after the graduation now i’m in a different country(Long distance). I’m not using any social media now, because i don’t want to be a stalker, literally. After a 2 month of complete NO contact i texted him to see what he’s up to. He replied to me but was mean and did not show any interest in me . He actually made me feel that he completely forgot about me and he did not miss me even a bit.(by asking me which country i was living in.. which i’m sure that he knows it well.) After getting hurt by his behaviour, i replied to him that there was” no need to show such attitude, i’m over you and you were just an experience to me, chill” (in a funny way.)
Do you think that No contact period will work?(He is a very stubborn person)
pegah

July 3, 2019 at 2:33 pm

hey chris tnx for ur great article , after ending NC period is my ex’s birthday . do u think is it good initiate to text my ex for that ?
Bobby

April 27, 2019 at 9:20 am

I’m a man but thought you could help my gir left after almost 6 years no real reason but I was pretty clingy because she worked late and everyday off she spent with her friends, the week before she picked out an engagement ring I brought the night before she was upset and she has suffered from depression because of her child hood but she had a break down the night before she hadn’t had one in a while so I asked what was wrong and if it was us she swore over her dads life it wasn’t and it was just the same things after I calmed her down she was still a bit upset she went with her friends for a drive to have a smoke come back and it was like she didn’t want to talk to me, we were lying in bed and I went to get up to go to the lounge room to watch tv but she begged me to stay in bed and cuddle so I did and she said good night I love you the next day around 8pm she text whilst at work and says she’s done, that was 6 weeks ago yeah I begged for a few days for a second chance after about a week she came to speak to me about it but she didn’t really say much I asked if we were done I said I understood the reasons but did understand why she never wanted to try fix things and she said she did I said no you didn’t come to me once and say there was problems and she said I know we didn’t really say much about our problems and she was sorry and I said to her are we done for good she said for now yes. We went out the back for a smoke with our dogs who we both love very much then she got up went inside to our room and stared at things cried and walked out and left. Couple weeks went on I hadn’t contacted her again so I’ve been no contact for 5 weeks I had to break it a couple times because she asked to come grab some over her clothes and some stuff she needed there is still a lot of stuff at home of hers, and she messaged me twice about it my messages back were just blunt yeah and that’s fine, skip couple weeks I get a message saying people have been telling her I said she is coming back but I actually never said that to anyone at all and she asked me not to see her family which o did see a couple of them because they are and were a big part of my life, but I replied I promise I didn’t say that and yeah that’s fine I won’t see them any more and she also said I hadn’t left her alone but I have so i was a bit cofused from that, she also said in the message she isn’t coming back so stop telling people that but like I said I actually hadn’t told anyone she was coming back, so now I’m just stuck on what to do since that message which was 6 days ago I havnt messaged again or she hasn’t what do I do from this point on? When my no contacted is pretty much finished? I’m worried if I do leave it much longer she will move on and it is very hard not to see her in public but when o do she just looks straight past me like I’m a stranger we have argued or anything so it didn’t really end ok bad terms so I don’t get why she’s acting like this and the way she’s gone about it it honestly doesn’t come across like she isnt doing it like it’s soneone else if that makes sense please help????
Yee

April 5, 2019 at 6:14 am

My ex and I have been dating for 1 year then we broke up. It was his idea. After the break up, his parents has come up to me for a few times to ask me to find him, but I applied no contact rule.
I waited for 5 months then contacted him. I asked him to hang out during Christmas but he rejected me. So I applied no contact again for another 3 months then contacting him and his parents again. He has agreed to meet up with me once but with a common friend. Later on he said he does not love me so he can’t even be friends with me. His parents also asked me to move on. I tried to contact him again but he was firm that he won’t hang out with me again. Should I apply no contact again?
I have applied no contact for 8 months in total. However within that 8 months I have went on rebound for 3 months.
What do you think?
PS: I have tried to move on so I have just contacted my ex ex ex boyfriend who I have applied 6 years of no contact. But he ignored me too. Seems like no contact does not work?
Carla

February 12, 2019 at 12:11 pm

My bf of almost 6 years broke up with me, now he is going around chatting to other girls and adding every girl on facebook. He goes out with his friends and it’s like he has forgotten about me. We used to talk after the break up but he would always be distant and mean. I started the no contact rule today and it has been hard. He initially broke up with me because he felt I was breaking him down and being controlling. Do you think the no contact rule will work?

Chris Seiter

February 13, 2019 at 12:45 am

Hi Carla!

6 years is solid traction and roots get laid down and that can come into play later. He may be in some form of denial. Guys usually have a delayed reaction to a breakup..hits them later. I do think NC is a good choice going forward. Take a look at my 485 page eBook, “EBR PRO” as it will walk you through the whole process!

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1,033 thoughts on “What To Do When The No Contact Rule Doesn’t Work”