What To Do When The No Contact Rule Doesn't Work- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

1,033 thoughts on “What To Do When The No Contact Rule Doesn’t Work”

Yun

April 13, 2015 at 3:47 am

What if I accidentally like his status during no contact or so? Thanks to touch screen, I did it twice in a row!! Feeling discouraged now. Help me Chris 🙁

Chris Seiter

April 16, 2015 at 4:27 pm

Not the hugest deal but its not helping you any.

Gloria

April 12, 2015 at 10:21 pm

Hi, I just purchased your book. I’m 18, I was in a sort of long distance relationship– he was two hours away, at school. He never committed to me but he told me constantly that he felt very strongly and that he really wanted to but was afraid it’d be a bad decision if it every fell apart due to the strains of an LDR. We did this for 10 months and he recently told me that he wanted to make the most of our time before we separated before the next school year because he “although he loves me, he needs someone there with him.” He is incredibly into parties but he had told all his friends that he is involved with me, and isn’t very likely to wander. I was kind of offended when he basically preemptively “broke up” with me, and told him that he could either have me and a relationship or no relationship whatsoever. We had a long argument and he decided that he “just couldn’t be with me”. He asked me not to hate him… but I hung up on him. Two days later I sent him a message that told him I didn’t hate him and to take care of himself, which he didn’t reply to. He works as a posted on Facebook two hours after seeing the message about a party. I’m committed to the NC rule… but do you see hope in this situation? How can I get him to actually want to commit if he comes around?

Chris Seiter

April 16, 2015 at 4:30 pm

Hi Gloria,

Sorry for the late response.

I think you have a shot. I definitely think its great that you are so committed to the no contact rule.

Brett

April 11, 2015 at 9:55 pm

Hi Chris. My girlfriend and I broke up 2 months ago after I was pushed and lied to but with no cheating. We were together for over a year. I’m a bit reluctant cause I don’t wanna be hurt again. We work together closely so it makes it really hard.
What your reckon? Your Aussie mate. Brett.

Chris Seiter

April 16, 2015 at 4:35 pm

Haha you should check out my other site, Ex Girlfriend Recovery (that is right up your ally.)

Ana

April 11, 2015 at 9:02 pm

Hey Chris,

My boyfriend broke up with me back in Feb., I was following the NC rule, but 2 weeks in, I was hit by a drunk driver and was sent to the hospital in critical condition for 10 days (thankfully, I am better now)…

Because my parents live overseas and my phone broke in the accident (so I didn’t know any numbers to call my friends), my ex became my emergency contact… And it was great! We were connecting again! While my mom made her way to the USA, he spent nights with me, was super caring and physical. After I left the hospital, he would still visit me 2 or 3 times a week… He always sent me mixed signals, especially when I had more people visiting while he was here (especially one guy in particular, because I think he thinks that guys likes me)… Massages, cuddles, everything! Then this week I finally had the courage to talk to him… I asked him about the mixed signals and what was going on. And he said that he was happy with just being friends and that he didn’t mean to be sending me mixed signals. I said that this was too hard for me. So he asked if he should stop coming over and I said “Yes, I’ll let you know when I am ready to be friends again.” He said he really wished we could be friends one day soon, and I said “me too, but we can’t contact each other until I am ready.” The next day he had already texted me. Saying something that my mom had called him while he was asleep and asking if I was okay. That is a lie. My mom hadn’t called (not even a butt dial, her phone isn’t working while she is in the USA). I didn’t answer… NC rule right?! Does that mean that he already caved in during the NC rule, or because of my condition his contacting me doesn’t count (I’m still recovering, strictly only in bed)?

I miss and love him, and all our friends think he still loves me… Should I go back to the NC rule? Do I still have hope? Or if he still liked me, he would have done something after the accident? Thanks and I love the new website design!! xx
Jemima

April 11, 2015 at 5:18 pm

Hi Chris

NC is almost complete and ex hasn’t tried to make contact with me at all, what do you think I should do? I feel he should be the one fighting for this but i feel like I’m the only one trying.
Jeanine

April 11, 2015 at 12:35 pm

Hey chris!
since I’ve seen your website my life has changed a lot in a poitive way!
Mentally i am finally over the breakup now, and Im sure i’ve moved on without moving on already 🙂
I can tell my job really helps with this as well (cabin crew)
I would like to thank you for this already:)
I was in an LDR for 3 months and we’ve been together for 10 months before that.
It was the best relationship I ever had and we never faught, even not during the breakup.
just before the breakup we saw each other physically and told each other we loved each other (a bit odd?)
but decided to break up since it was the best… it is the best, but I feel like its better if we would be in an relationship because he is really the one i see myself with in the long term and I dont want to risk losing this vision…
so im in the NC now for a week and im going strong still:)

I eventuelly got I thought the best reply ever: he told me he was still checking my pictures on instagram, he told me some of his mistakes during our relationship and even told me he would love to be in touch with me whenever i would like to talk…

but here is my question….

what if i reach out with this perfect first text, and he is indeed responding positively, but also asking me: why did you ingore for so long?
what is the perfect answer for this?

I am sure we will be in great touch with each other, no doubts there.. but im afraid this will only be on a friendship level… how to break this friendship into a romantic level in the beginning after NC already?

Thanks a lot for everything on your site so far, it helped me a lot already!
xx from abu dhabi
Jess

April 11, 2015 at 7:14 am

Hello
So if you’re trying to get your ex back should one delete all the shared facebook pictures or anything else on social media you have of you and your ex?
He still hasnt deleted them and im not sure if i should.
NJ

April 10, 2015 at 6:39 pm

Hi Chris,
my boyfriend and i broke up at the beginning of march (he broke up with me and moved out) and we were together three years, the beginning was exquisite and then deteriorated over that three years especially after moving in together after one year, but got really bad towards the end when his resentment of just about everything was just too overwhelming. yet we were still very close.

I was beyond devestated and cried and begged for 5 weeks, i discovered NC too late i think. i know he cared about me alot and still had feelings for me even though he said he doest want to be in a relationship anymore (he was married for 16 years just before we got together).

He still wanted to be partners at these events we go to together, up until the other day when i said something that offended him yet again and he lost it and said he doesn’t want to see me or talk to me or be with me ever again, time to move on and start our lives anew.

after reading everything on your site i see maybe he said that out of anger and it wasn’t really true.
so much on your site gave me hope and has been the only thing that helped, until i read this:

“well if our relationship was absolutely horrible and riddled with fights, disagreements,jealousy,trust issues and drama 24/7 there is a pretty good chance that my feelings are going to be lost.”

this is how he sees our relationship, even though he played a big if not equal part in all the bad things, he mostly blames me for everything.

do you think will time do anything to this feeling!? Will NC do anything?

he is attracted to me even though now maybe not and i was the only person he’s slept with in the last 5 years due to erection problems he has from a medical condition.

i am still just so devestated and can’t function without any hope. but he is so stubborn and resentful and he couldnt see past that in the relationship at all. I don’t know if time will do anything. usually once he makes up his mind thats it. (He’s Latin)

he did say (before we had the last fight) maybe in a year if i’m a completely different person we could. he also said maybe in a few months we could have fun (i assume meaning have sex).

I just need hope. advice. anything. Thankyou!
Anon

April 10, 2015 at 5:32 pm

Hi Chris, loving this site. It is really helping me gets some perspective on a bad few days. My ex and I broke up on Monday and have argued furiously for hours since, we have a lot of hurt between us due a personal trauma. He said he couldn’t handle me anymore as I was too much for him with being upset and a general mess after we had been through some stuff, he said he had just had nough as he’d asked for space and I wasn’t giving him, he was right. He told he couldn’t see a future with me anymore because of how messed up I was acting. I am on day 2 of no contact, but I am all already wondering if I blew it before I started. Before I came across your site, I had text him to say wasn’t going to contact him for a while as I needed to sort myself out and apologised for my behaviour. He replied kindly saying he knows I am good person underneath and agreed we need to separate for a while, but at the end he said. I wish you all the happiness in the future, so that makes me think he has no want at all to get back with me ever. My question to you is will the no contact still possible work even though I said to him I wasn’t contacting him. I wish I had saw your site before I sent that. Thanks 🙂
Shannon

April 10, 2015 at 5:26 pm

Hey chris! I love the new layout of the site. It’s great! Need your advice. My ex and I have been texting and it’s been going really well. I asked him to hang out tonight and he said he can’t because he’s busy and he can’t tomorrow night either because it’s his sisters birthday. So my question to you is how can I ask him to hang out with out seeming needy or desperate? He’s only home on the weekends and asking him every weekend to hang out screams desperate to me.

Chris Seiter

April 16, 2015 at 4:44 pm

Glad you like the new layout.

Maybe ask for a group hangout. Invite him to a group gettogether.

Briiiii

April 10, 2015 at 3:38 pm

Love the new design! Its so modern.

I do have a conundrum though.

So i finished out my 30 days NC, and implemented the texting technique. Success the first and second day! He kept asking me so many questions and I was so excited I didnt cut the convo the second day, I just wanted to keep talking. The first day i *did* cut it short and he responded “I hope you’re doing well and have a great day. :)” the second day after his plethora of questions(ugh i should have just stopped it early) he said “When you start school in the fall you should come chill out with me inbetween classes” then after i said okay, he stopped responding..i tried talking to him twice since and while he still responds now he stops responding after a text or two and I can’t cut it off first. Frustrating. He is an accountant though and says he is beyond stressed and busy(make sure you meet your deadline Chris if needed, make your accountant happy ;)). So I’m wondering if I should mini nc until after April 15th, and how can I gain control of the conversation?

Chris Seiter

April 16, 2015 at 4:45 pm

Super happy you are liking the new design.

(I wanted it to be more female friendly.)

I met the deadline for taxes this year and am going to get a small refund I believe I overpayed.

Yes, use the mini nc.

Julia

April 10, 2015 at 3:24 pm

Hello Chris, I hope you can help me with my situation, I am so confused

I’ve done NC and reach out my Ex with a text, to which he responded positively, we ve been texting but most of the time it was me who initiate the conversation, I mean he initiated texting just a couple of times, in one of those conversations he asked me about why I didn’t contact him before and that he has been dreaming about me, I was responsive to this and expressed my feeling too, I know I was getting ahead and jumping over steps :/ then he tried to turn it into a sexual conversation, fortunately there was no more internet on my mobile. After that It was always me intiating, sometimes I take about a day, 2, 3 days sometimes week between each conversation and it is always me initiating contact, he respond quite positively but lately he became so distant in his way of responding that he told me he is busy in a conversation, so I didn’t want to bother him, If I send him a text again I will look so needy and I doubt he will text me first again . We are both 25 Y O and in a LDR.
I have 2 questions
1- Should I go in 30 days NC again
2- Was he talking to me just to get sexual in his conversation
Thank you 🙂
Mimi

April 10, 2015 at 1:48 pm

My boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me over Facebook…. just said he’s done. pretty outa the blue… we’ve slept together said i love you etc planned to go on holiday in the summer been through so much birthdays , christmas, new year valantines day…. he said he still cares. then called me a stalker etc etc and just wont give me any answers he’s unfriended me on fb and then added me back then unfreinded me again….. then 4 weeks later sent me a message saying dont go to the party blah blah blah helpm me i want him back but i dont know what he wants
Danielle

April 10, 2015 at 11:07 am

Hi Chris, I’ve been speaking to you on EBR: 004 but everything was getting a little lost I think my comments were too long I re-sent my e-mail to [email protected] and [email protected] as well, please please help! 🙁 I’m literally willing to do anything you say in order to get him back and I have the determination and discipline.
Lara

April 9, 2015 at 9:27 pm

Hi Chris

I’m freaking out and I’m praying you can help me.

I’ve tried no contact a few times in the past but always ended up breaking it after a week or so. Last summer, I tried no contact and was able to make it for 6 weeks before I reached out to my ex. I called him, he was really happy to hear from me and we ended up talking for nearly an hour. That conversation ended with him saying: can we talk again in a few days? I said sure and told him to call me.

But I never heard from him. That was surprising given that how happy he’d been to hear from me and that he had said CAN we talk in a few days not LET’S talk in a few days. He’s not one to play games or say things he doesn’t mean so I don’t get what’s up there. I didn’t want to go chasing him so I held off contacting him and tried to wait it out for him to come to me.

I ran into him at Christmas but nothing happened. He was walking in as I was walking out, we passed and we were both too surprised to see each other to say anything. But then 3 days later he showed up at my church. I didn’t notice him til after the service was over and when I saw him I panicked (I don’t know why) and went outside. My friend dragged me back in and I tried to act natural but I could feel him looking at me and I never went over to talk to him and he never came over to talk to me.

I asked my priest about it afterwards and he told me that my ex has never attended services there ever before. He also hasn’t been back since. The whole thing was just so weird and I’ve been racking my brain about what he could have been doing there. And then it hit me, he was probably there to see me. Now I feel like a total idiot that I finally had a chance to talk to him in person and I not only blew it but I accidentally sent a pretty powerful message for him to get away from me.

Is this fixable? What can I do? Please help.
Piper

April 9, 2015 at 6:55 pm

Chris, What’s a girl to do? Our relationship was good, but he broke up because he didn’t want a long-term girlfriend. He didn’t contact me during no contact.We don’t have any common friends so he doesn’t hear anything about me or my awesome life. He’s not on any type of social media. We live about 25 minutes from each other so there’s no real chance of bumping into each other.

How do I get him to see I’ve moved on, I’m having fun, I’m happy? How does he know I’m ungettable if he never sees me? How do I get back the invisible man?
Julia

April 9, 2015 at 6:20 pm

Looove the new design

Chris Seiter

April 10, 2015 at 2:01 pm

Thanks Julia!

Lola

April 9, 2015 at 5:30 am

Hi Chris,

My Thursday boyfriend (we saw each other every week, sometimes twice for almost a year) and I are writing a screenplay together. I dated other men casually, but was exclusive with him where it counted, and he was with me. He didn’t date anyone else until recently he met up with an “old friend” who confided in him about her bad break up, blah blah. She was quite assertive in honing in, he was flattered, and decided to see what happens. I told him, fine, but I was changing the relationship to friend/business from then on. He may or may not have made any real moves toward her (although she is aggressive). I can’t do NC because we are writing partners. He came over tonight, was very nice, talked about some of our fun times, asked me where I was on Saturday night (I blew that off, I was on a date, and he knew it), and was casual, cool, business like and fun. He kissed me good bye. Complimented my food and me in my jeans (never complimented me before) and said he’d bring lobster next week.

He’s in a rebound (if it’s anything), and she’s definitely in a rebound, with them being familiar with each other. But, he’s texting me stupid things and sending me middle of the night emails, just as he did when we were dating.

What should I do since I can’t do an NC on him and get this work done? We will be working on this project for a long time, perhaps even another year?

I think I’ll just find a new romantic relationship and let him go. But, I do wish he’d reconsider us being together for real. We are very, very close and I think he’s a little screwed up.

What’s my best strategy? Being the cool UGG?
Aurora

April 9, 2015 at 5:27 am

Hi Chris. I need some help here as i think my situation is rather puzzling. I’ve been with my fiance for 2 years plus now and in January he asked for us to split. So i went for NC for 35 days and through out the NC i received few email here and there about the reason to him asking for a split and his update about his life. On day 40 we meet up as i want to tie loose end and agree to the break up. It wasn’t pretty or horrible just a little bit emotional as both of us cried.

So speed up to two weeks later, he came by my crib to talk to my old man about us splitting up. He told my old man that he still love me, only that he need space for himself as he is going through depression and hard time in life. He told my old man it is hard for him to return back my stuffs as per requested by me and he reminisced some of our good old days to my parents with a teary eye. He was warm to my family only a little bit distant. My old man asked whether he wants to give it a try again. Reluctantly he agreed. Eventhough he agreed to it, our communication has been pretty much as we are still ex-fiance’s kinda communication. I didn’t push him to jump back to normal.

He emailed me recently saying that, nobody ask what does he wants, he said he has no option but to get back to me as his parents and mine insisted we try again and he asked me to plan the wedding and he will just go through with it. He said he don’t find it necessary for us to catch up on the loss time or to meet up for a date.

I’m on my NC again now as i’m hurt by the email. What should i do Chris? Its like i have my fiance back, but i dont have him back? I do not know which topic this situation fall on so i hope i do get some advice. thank you.
Emily

April 9, 2015 at 2:20 am

Hey Chris!
Your advice is amazing – it has really helped me out the past few weeks.
I’m a bit confused on what I should do. I initially wanted to take a small break with my boyfriend last august, but a week later he broke up with me saying that we need time part and need to “find ourselves”. (We dated for five years.. A little off and on but the past two years, we were in a serious relationship) I do believe that the breakup was great for me — gave me time to focus on myself and friends. But, I still love him and honestly really miss him. I begged for him back for about 5 months and he was nice, but made it clear that he was happy without me. However, we still hooked up for a few weeks (bad idea). In February, I did the no contact for 22 days but broke it when he texted me “hey” one night. I asked how he was the next day and he ended up telling me that I was looking good lately. I ended the conversation first but ended up texting him again drunk one night. He responded but we were both very short with each other. He’s a very jealous person, but I’m trying not to use jealousy to get him back. I implanted the no contact again, starting on April 3rd. I’m determined to go the full 30 days.. But do you honestly think he will start to miss me again and want me back? I’m afraid to fail and I just don’t want to see him moving on. Will the no contact rule work even if it has been 8 months since we broke up?
Thank you so much! You are truly awesome at this!

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1,033 thoughts on “What To Do When The No Contact Rule Doesn’t Work”