What To Do When The No Contact Rule Doesn't Work- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

1,034 thoughts on “What To Do When The No Contact Rule Doesn’t Work”

Emily

April 9, 2015 at 2:20 am

Hey Chris!
Your advice is amazing – it has really helped me out the past few weeks.
I’m a bit confused on what I should do. I initially wanted to take a small break with my boyfriend last august, but a week later he broke up with me saying that we need time part and need to “find ourselves”. (We dated for five years.. A little off and on but the past two years, we were in a serious relationship) I do believe that the breakup was great for me — gave me time to focus on myself and friends. But, I still love him and honestly really miss him. I begged for him back for about 5 months and he was nice, but made it clear that he was happy without me. However, we still hooked up for a few weeks (bad idea). In February, I did the no contact for 22 days but broke it when he texted me “hey” one night. I asked how he was the next day and he ended up telling me that I was looking good lately. I ended the conversation first but ended up texting him again drunk one night. He responded but we were both very short with each other. He’s a very jealous person, but I’m trying not to use jealousy to get him back. I implanted the no contact again, starting on April 3rd. I’m determined to go the full 30 days.. But do you honestly think he will start to miss me again and want me back? I’m afraid to fail and I just don’t want to see him moving on. Will the no contact rule work even if it has been 8 months since we broke up?
Thank you so much! You are truly awesome at this!
marry

April 8, 2015 at 5:11 pm

hey chris , i want to ask you about something that i didn’t get in this guide .let’s say that i dicided to choose the last one which is moving on without moving on you said i should do no contact but if he doesn’t contact me at all.i need you to tell me how much time i should wait to lose hope and start to move on for real !!!!!!!
Kristin

April 8, 2015 at 2:43 pm

So update like big time he and the girl broke up she broke up with him and he messaged me about our dinner Sunday we talked a bit he apologized for hurting me but I’m kinda not too happy about this because he seems really down about a 3 month relationship…compared to our 4 year….idk how to approach this ….and tell me what’s in his head? Please help help HELP
Am I just gonna be a back up plan?
Danielle

April 8, 2015 at 1:53 pm

Hi Chris,
I wanted to check if you got my e-mail as you had said to resend it, no contact hasn’t worked for me at all not because I’ve failed at it but because he’s been extremely stubborn and angry. Today would have been our 3rd year anniversary but he’s in an LDR rebound with someone further than me. I sent it to [email protected] and [email protected], could really really use your help please!
Gabby

April 7, 2015 at 1:18 am

Hi Chris! I could really use your advice! My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me recently, because he was bored with our relationship and became just too comfortable. I am 25, and he is turning 27, so this was a really serious relationship.
Of course I begged him to come back after he broke up with me, but he told me to stop contacting him. He blocked me on Facebook and possibly my number (iPhone makes it hard to tell if you have been blocked or not). I did my 30 days of no contact and I have really been focusing on myself, even though I do want to get him back.
A couple weeks ago after my 30 days of no contact, I mailed him a letter telling him that I accepted the breakup. And that I also have had made a lot of exciting and positive changes and would like to tell him about it when he’s ready. I haven’t heard from him at all after mailing him this letter. How do you think I should contact him now? Please let me know what you think. Thanks!

Gabby

April 10, 2015 at 11:19 pm

Hi Chris! Thanks for your response!
I understand that communicating with a letter might not be that effective.
Do you think if I text my ex boyfriend soon with an intriguing text message, that will help? I’m just not sure if he will even get it since, I don’t know if he blocked my number or not. Hope to hear from you soon!
I also love the new design! Definitely makes it better when using a mobile device!
admin

April 7, 2015 at 9:02 pm

Part of the problem is that you are communicating back and forth with a letter.

That is always very difficult.
Gabby

April 9, 2015 at 1:53 am

Hi Chris! Thanks for your response! Do you think I should try texting my ex boyfriend then? I am just not sure if he will even receive it, because I am not sure if he blocked my number. Hope you can help!

Scarlett

April 6, 2015 at 7:03 pm

HEEEELP! DESPERATE FOR YOUR HELP!! PLEEEEEASE HELP ME!!!

I have a different problem (kinda). I am in a LDR (at least “I” thought so). But he loves his job more than me (in my opinion). He is ALWAYS working. Yes, I do believe he is working b/c I know him and what a workaholic he is. But I got very upset when he kept letting work getting in the way of meeting me halfway to spend the weekend together. (we hven’t seen each other in person since THANKSGIVING) Maybe I am just an idiot and it is just over. We did an “agreed upon NC” (before I found your website) for 2 wks. I didn’t take his call when he called at the agreed time. He went nuts for a bit as to what I was doing/who I was w/etc….until I answered him then he went back to barely answering me at all (like before).
There is a LOOONG story behind us and I have been the only one that has sacrificed and given in this “relationship”. I feel like a stupid idiot when my family starts in on me. I am about to be 51 yrs old and I love him more than any man I have ever been with but I also feel like I have already wasted almost 3 yrs on this man w nothing but a promise ring to show for it and a LOT of TEARS!

Should I just break-up w him and move on (is this as hopeless as my family is telling me)?
OR should I break-up w him and try NC for 30 days and see if he comes back?

Since I can’t seem to get him to text back or get him on the phone I was thinking about breaking up w an actual letter…?
I am not sure he will take a breakup text seriously.

CHRIS I AM DESPERATE PLS PLS HELP ME!!!

Feel free to email me [email protected] – I am BEGGING you for help!

Scarlett

admin

April 7, 2015 at 9:02 pm

Well if you are still together then I would try to work things out first.
Scarlett

April 7, 2015 at 11:24 pm

Well it is hard to say that we “are together” I haven’t seen him since Thanksgiving and haven’t talked to him over the phone in over 2 weeks.

I texted him our “code” for “I love you” and he didn’t respond for over 24hrs…. I haven’t responded to him yet. I am just tired of being at his beckon call and he’s never there for me.

sherry

April 6, 2015 at 4:48 pm

so by move on you mean really do move on? like have the mentality “ok if he comes back great, but if not, not?”. My NC is ending in 2 days. My ex and I were sleeping for a few months before really ending it. he got especially upset when I didn’t mention a miscarriage when we broke up. I feel like this is the reason he hasn’t contacted me during the NC?? he doesn’t want kids now, and neither do i!!! NOT AT ALL. we’ve been together for years. I’m afraid of being rejected when I text him in a couple days.

admin

April 7, 2015 at 9:00 pm

In a way yes.

Move on with your life with the intention of getting him back.

Anon

April 6, 2015 at 2:29 pm

Hey Chris, thanks for all the help and advice so far.

Been a long ride but i can finally say after a year my ex and i are back in contact. After a series of events we are finally there. But before we got back into contact, he asked some of my friends to hang and bring me along. Good sign right? This happened around three weeks ago. He asked more than once but i only went one time because i assumed he wanted to make amends, which isnt a bad thing.
Well anyway we back in contact and have been chatting every day for over a week now, usually its just joking or bonding through some conversations but i have never supported him emotionally or psychically in anyway, just general talk.
The last two days, he takes him time to reply though, coming online but not replying for ages (I admit that i did that too on many occasions) but his replies are worth replying too and he keeps the conversation going. So that’s nothing to worry about right?
Another thing worth mentioning is that he is currently on a break with his gf because of some family issues between them and also he feels that she is immature, lacks compassion and doesnt care about her appearance. Also he says she is a terrible listener and he cant talk to her. So they are on a break and if she can change they will talk about getting back together.

Is there any guide to how to respond to his texts or how to cement myself into his life again? Or to get him back? Because talking to him now has made me realise a few things. He isnt the type to be friends with his exes and we havent spoken for over a year till he asked my friends to bring me along. Also i see him almost every day!

Thanks Chris

Trying to hang in there

admin

April 7, 2015 at 9:00 pm

Well… PRO is kind of the guide for that.

Em

April 6, 2015 at 11:14 am

Is my situation hopeless? I ended things with this guy since he wasn’t “ready for a relationship” yet we’ve exchanged “I love you”. I was led to believe it was ’cause of circumstance (he hated his job, we were a long distance “friendship”, etc) but then I found his Adult FriendFinder profile and used condom wrappers (we didn’t use them) and that’s also why I ended it. Sorry if TMI. No contact for 7 months. I defriended him on everything ’cause thats how I cope. I need no reminders. Then he randomly spams my email address. So I replied that his email was hacked and to change his password. His response was what a cool friend I had to send his nudes (from adult friend finder) to all his friends. With a smiley face. I had told him if that was true, it wasn’t me telling whoever to do that and I had just emailed him since I didn’t want spam in my inbox, not to converse about the past. No response. It still agitated me to be accused of that. So I fb messaged him like 5 days later that I could see where he would think I have motive but I don’t hate him or have spite for him, that a similar thing had happened to me in the past so I wouldn’t do it to anyone else. And that if he had a problem or issue with me, to just tell me, since his passive aggressive remark made me feel he was trying to hurt or punish me. No response but he read it soon after I sent it. This weekend makes 5 more months no contact. I find myself wanting to reach out to him. But part of me feels it’s hopeless, especially now that he lives down south and I’m up north. And ’cause he might still be spiteful. No contact clearly didn’t work in my case, since no response. What do you think?

admin

April 7, 2015 at 8:57 pm

It is deifnitely not hopeless.

And just b/c he didn’t respond doesn’t mean he wont.

Kelsey

April 6, 2015 at 5:59 am

Hi chris! I have a minor problem… My boyfriend of two years and I broke up in February. I didn’t learn about NC until two weeks after we broke up. For for those two weeks we occasionally talked and met up twice to talk. Then I started NC, during NC I got a new job, lost 20lbs, started going to therapy, and I’ve just really been focusing on myself. I bought your book and read it too (:
Today my NC ended… And I texted my ex (following the rules in your book) and he never reasponed! Haha I’m so confused that he talked to me and texted me back and would even meet up with me… Before NC and now he won’t. He actually hasn’t even asked for his stuff back (he still have my stuff too)… When we met up before NC I told him when he was done reading this book I let him barrow to text me so we could exchange things, and that was a month ago and he hasn’t texted me at all… I know you don’t have the time to respond to everything in detail… But I was hoping to get some insight because Im beyond confused at this point. Thanks!

admin

April 7, 2015 at 8:57 pm

What was the text you used if you don’t mind me asking?
Kelsey

April 8, 2015 at 1:09 am

I used the “you won’t believe what I just saw text” my ex is really smart, and knows me really well, we were togeter pretty much everyday.. So I figured if I sent him something too out of character like the “I have a confession” text he would know something was off, or that I was up to something. So I’m not totally sure where to go from here… I don’t know how to initiate contact with him again, in a way that won’t make him think I’m, for lack of a better term, “up to something” because he does know me so well, and a lot of the first contact texts are really out of character for me. I really would love to be back with him, and I’m really serious about putting in the work and effort to make it work this time around. I just can’t figure out how to initiate contact with him, so that he will respond, but also still sounds like something I would say… If that makes sense. Thanks again(:

felicia

April 6, 2015 at 2:41 am

Hey Chris, great article as always! So i’ve been on your site for awhile now, and its been about almost 6 months, i know you’ve said it can take awhile, but this has been difficult for me though i’ve been making progress. I’ve done NC twice, and the second time i had to do it was because i used one of your good memory texts a few weeks after my first NC and he did not respond to it well. I assumed that he thought it was manipulative, so i have not been bringing the past relationship up at all. We’ve been somewhat in contact, averaging once every week or so because like you said i dont want to bore him so i only contact him when i have a good reason or find something that reminds me of him. He has contacted me a few times on his own, so i dont think this is hopeless, but it seems to be dragging on longer than i thought. So how would i influence him without using the good memory texts? He’s just a difficult guy to keep a convo with, it was like that when we were dating as well, he’s better to talk to IRL.

admin

April 7, 2015 at 8:56 pm

Well, my first piece of advice would be to try to get in more frequent convos with him.

anna

April 5, 2015 at 3:25 pm

hi. i really need your book, but i don’t have a credic card or pay pal acount. 🙁 is there any other way to pay it? please help me. thank you so much.

admin

April 7, 2015 at 8:53 pm

Unfortunately right now that is the only way to pay for it.

Cynthia

April 5, 2015 at 2:28 pm

Hi Chris,
Me and my boyfriend were together for a year and a half and he broke up with me a week ago with the “it’s not you, it’s me” reason. He said I was perfect and he felt happy when he was with me. He moved to another city about six months ago ( so we were in a LDR for about half year) after we’ve been together for a year. I thought everything went well with him. We both met each other’s parents and he took me to his friend’s parties, it seemed like he cared about me a lot but just never wanted to talk about our future. I tried to beg him three times when he called me and told me that he wanted to end this relationship, but he also said he won’t talk to me anymore and he won’t read any messages I send him, so I unfriended him on Facebook right after we hung up. Now it’s my second week of NC, but I started wondering if he has ever loved me and if he would even think about me during NC period. I have been reading your E-book this few days and I really want to get him back. Do you think I still have a chance to win him back? What game plan would you recommend me to follow?

Thank you!

admin

April 7, 2015 at 8:52 pm

I really think you do.

Also, remember what I said.

Men say a lot of stuff they don’t mean in moments of anger.

Liza

April 5, 2015 at 9:30 am

Hi Chris!
So I broke up with my ex two months ago. We were on a nearly 6-year relationship. He said that he wanted to end things with me because 1) he fell out of love with me 2) he wanted to do things that he wanted to do without anyone getting angry (I admit that I was controlling when it came to vices and partying. And were both in our early 20s) and 3) he found a girl who makes him happy (the girl has a boyfriend and her boyfriend does not know about their relationship at the moment. She also has no plans on telling him about them. I know this because I talked to her  ). At first I begged for him to stay and allow me to work things out and also begged the girl to give us some space. They both responded negatively and I realized that there was really no point in pushing things because they were both emotionally charged at the moment so I decided to just let it go. Even though he wanted to stay in touch, I said that we shouldn’t contact each other anymore and did not contact him ever since. In 2 weeks of NCR(which I did not realize I was doing), I found your EBR site and read almost all the articles to understand my ex more(and I did! Thank you!  ) . So I decided to push through with 45 days NCR and focused on improving myself physically and emotionally. I also posted lots of pictures in FB(though I unfriended him when I ended things fearing to see pics of him with the girl. But I opened my profile so that anyone can see the posts in my timeline) about my activities. I also had several dinner with common male friends.
So I obeyed you and did a successful 45-day NCR. But I sort of extended it because I was anxious about something: our supposed 6-year anniversary. It landed on the 50th day of NCR. He also did not contact me during the NCR though some of his friends (who I rarely talk to) texted me and asked how I was (I responded to some saying I was getting better). Things started to get weird from here. On the 48th day of NCR, I was panicking because I was scared about what I would feel or do on our supposed anniversary. So I had dinner with a common close guy friend (my ex and I are part of a big circle of friends) and explained how I felt and how I was. You see, I also developed depressive episodes (not depression) a month prior to the break up. I told our friend that those still happened and that I had plans on trying to get him back. That night, after my friend posted us having dinner together, my ex chatted him and was asking about how the dinner went and how I was. Apparently, our friend told him that I was depressed and talked a lot about him. He also told my ex that we had plans on the day of the supposed anniversary and would invite some of our common friends as well. Then the next day(49th day), my ex was inviting for a hangout that coincided with my plans! He texted almost all the friends that I invited and was even making them choose between us . Because of this, I told our common friend that he should stop making our friends choose. If more of our friends wanted to go to his hangout then I wouldn’t stop our friends and even accompany them so that our friends wouldn’t feel awful. Sadly, both my friend and ex misinterpreted this in me wanting to see him. My ex then told my friend that if I wanted to see him, it was fine with him but he didn’t want any drama if we hung out. He also asked me via our friend if I was fine that he would bring his new girl. I said that it was fine with me but got angry over the fact that he was the one being dramatic and assuming and was projecting those feelings to me. He even told our friend that he would give me free therapeutic talks if I added him again on facebook (how mean can he be?). So I just ignored this and still pushed through with my plans the next day since none of our friends backed out from my invitation. So what happened during our supposed anniversary was I hung out with nine of our common friends in the mall, had dinner with them, and watched a movie. During this time, my ex was constantly calling and texting the men, asking where they were and why they weren’t coming to him now (he was in an irritated tone when one of the guys answered his calls). He kept reiterating that there shouldn’t be any drama. I was surprised that the guys actually ignored his texts and calls, and some responded that they weren’t going to his hangout anymore. After that, he called our friends ‘traitors’. It has been 4 days since this happened and I still haven’t contacted him because of what happened and I did not know what to do next. Now, my friends are telling me that he is trying to justify his cheating by saying that I wasn’t faithful to him either (which is not true. I have clarified this with my friends and have proven my innocence).
So after everything, here are some of my conclusions (based on what I learned from your site):
1) He’s angry with me (as evidenced by him countering my plans and accusing me of infidelity) and may be even punishing me (seeing how I would react if the girl went? ‘cause I realized if it was true that he had no feelings for me anymore, he wouldn’t even mention the girl or invited her to the hangout if he just wanted to hangout with friends)
2) He feels that he is the victim (and I understand why he feels this)
3) I realized my faults prior to the break up ( being controlling, lack of time together due to academic activities, did not appreciate/admire him)
Are my conclusions correct? 
I still want him back but I don’t know what actions to pursue now. I also listened to your recent podcast about how to deal with an angry ex. So I don’t know if I should do NCR again or apologize or build rapport?
Sorry for the long post. Thanks in advance for a reply!
P.S. I really want to thank you for this site because I wouldn’t be able to reach this far and understand the situation better if it weren’t for you. THANK YOU!
Elle

April 5, 2015 at 2:23 am

Hello Chris,

It is I – ‘words a plenty.’ I’ve returned. Mine is still a story of failed NC (scenario 1, no response from the ex). My initial NC period lasted 45 days, after which my ex had a nervous breakdown appearing at my apartment in the middle of the night. (It would be gratuitous to say the two occurrences are anything more than correlative, though I’d love to believe I’ve that power.) Once he was found I sent him a message wishing him well, heard nothing. I waited for three weeks and sent him another message. No answer. Note: he and I have not spoken since our initial break up/fight. I’m heart-broken, saddened, frustrated, and generally perplexed by this person and our current status. Paradise is lost. I wave the white flag (I clearly thrive on melodrama and ridiculously horrid literary puns lol).

What advice have you for recovering from a bad break up? I work in the luxury fitness industry, so I already live to sweat pretty. I’m more interested in the internal cleansing. What can I do to ease my mind?

admin

April 7, 2015 at 8:49 pm

Well, if you want to get over an ex I would recommend this article,

https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-get-over-your-ex-boyfriend/

Stephanie

April 4, 2015 at 8:49 pm

Hey!
So I actually use the NC on a Player kinda of Bootycall guy. I am on NC for 8 days now. He texted me 4 times since and his last text was, that he hates me. I don’t know if it’s gonna work on a player, he told me that he likes me but he always disappeares after a time.

admin

April 7, 2015 at 8:45 pm

Haha Its definitely having an affect on him. He’s not used to not getting his way.

Welcome to the temper tantrum phase of NC.

kanary

April 4, 2015 at 6:33 pm

what if my ex (deployed husband) contacted me every month since January saying that he’s still not ready to talk? and with these messages he keeps saying “I’m sure its been difficult for you as it has been for me”. He tells me he doesn’t have much time to talk but his friends and family tells me he contacts them often.

He also wanted to know how i was doing. He asked his best friend then contacted me to see how i was doing. He told his best friend that he has a feeling that IF and when he realizes he wants to be with me, its probably going to be too late. and as of right now, he’s not ready. not ready for any of it. not ready for a relationship. he said ” i just want to do me. find myself. figure out what i want. it sucks”.

i find myself thinking about him daily and missing him like crazy since he’s been deployed since November and we’ve been broken up since January. His friends and family told me to give him his space and to wait until he comes back home and that won’t be until august.

How am i suppose to initiate a conversation if he tells me he is still not ready to talk to me?

admin

April 7, 2015 at 8:44 pm

Can you explain how he says it to you?

What does he say exactly?
kanary

April 8, 2015 at 12:20 am

Feburary: “I’m not ready to talk to you yet and i know you must be going through a tough time. I need the odometers for both cars. I have to go in to work now”

March: “i don’t have a lot of time but i’m just wondering how you’re doing. I’m still not ready to talk but i feel that its unfair to you so i’m forcing myself. I’m sure its been very difficult for you as it has been for me”

April: “hope you’re ok”

These are his exact text messages to me.

Moon

April 4, 2015 at 11:50 am

Hi 🙂
I and my ex had been together for 2 years. We broken this January. I had tried some ways to get him back but he just said that he was not ready and he needed more time. So I decided to do No contact for 30 days. And I have done it.
During 30 days, he didn’t contact to me.
After 30 days, I texted him first, short message and he replied me. I think it is a positive reply, I can see that he cared in the message. Or at least, it wasn’t a negative reply.
However, I am really nervous now. After breaking up with me, he move on really quickly to another girl. Although this girl didn’t accept his love but he seems to keep chasing her. After 4 months, I don’t see any signs show that he did give up this girl.
I feel quite hopeless now 🙁 Please give me some advices

admin

April 7, 2015 at 8:42 pm

This is a good NC rule. You got a positive reply.

Remember the reason he is chasing that girl is he doesn’t have her.. Men want what they can’t have.
Moon

April 8, 2015 at 7:22 am

I am so scared that if I keep acting like I am moving on, he will think that ok, she moves on, everything ends. I think it is the negative side of being ungettable. He will back to chase me or he will move on too. What should I do to make sure that he will chase me but not move on?

sari

April 4, 2015 at 10:56 am

What would you recommend to do when after 27 days of NC my ex does respond, but in an angry way? I asked him if he could help me pick new graphics card and he told me to eff off. This was after 27 days of no contact.

admin

April 7, 2015 at 8:41 pm

I would treat it as a failed NC for sure…

I would follow a staggered approach or a prolonged NC in that case.

Amanda

April 4, 2015 at 12:52 am

Chris I really need your help please. My ex and I have had a complicated relationship on and off. I did a lot of awful things to him. I never cheated I just did other stuff to hurt him. I pushed him away, I was very needy and clingy and smothered him, I was mean to him at times and just really put him through a lot. He said he does not want to date me again and he never wants a relationship with me again even though I’m working on myself and he said there are other girls. Please help me 🙁

admin

April 7, 2015 at 8:36 pm

Ok, when did you two break up?

Have you tried a no contact rule yet?

« Previous 1 … 20 21 22

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

1,034 thoughts on “What To Do When The No Contact Rule Doesn’t Work”