What To Do When The No Contact Rule Doesn't Work- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

1,033 thoughts on “What To Do When The No Contact Rule Doesn’t Work”

Jowts

July 23, 2017 at 2:37 am

He blocked me after breaking up with me, so i got no choice but to go on a no contact phase. He did message me a month after, got back together and then broke up again. It was really bad. He said he will never ever come back. Will NC still work? I really really love him. Our relationship maybe just too strained coz we started LDR and until now we havent met each other in person. He is from US, i am from Philippines. Please help 🙁

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 25, 2017 at 5:04 pm

why did he broke up with you again?

Em

July 7, 2017 at 4:38 pm

So my boyfriend broke up with me a little over two weeks ago after we had gotten back together a month before that, he had been saying he wanted space for the first break up and then this recent one was completely out of nowhere. We have been together three years and each time we have broken up, which is three but the very first time was within the first two months of dating, I have chased after him completely. I have implemented the no contact rule since the day after he broke up with me so it’s been two weeks. He said things in the break up only in spite to make me hate him and not answer him even though I know him enough to know it was that reason so it didn’t work. This break up was completely out of nowhere, the week before he was talking about looking for engagement rings and the DAY OF he was talking about how he wants to raise our kids and we weren’t laying on the couch sleeping together, he went to run errands with his aunt and we were texting perfectly fine and then he all of a sudden stopped responding and a few hour seconds later showed up to my house and ended t saying he doesn’t see himself having a future with me and had put his wall up like usual so that he wouldn’t have to feel more than he wanted. He texted me saying the same thing that he doesn’t see a future and that he doesn’t want to talk and wants to take his time with The break up. After he sent that text two days after Thebes’s break up (those two days I blew up his phone with texts) I began the no contact and haven the wavered. He hasnt tried to reach out but I can see from his account that he watches only my Snapchat stories and doesn’t like posts or try to follow anybody new. Some days it seems like he doesn’t care and the some nights he listens to sad music (we share a music account so my phone automatically sends me whatever activity is happening). After the break up right before we got back together for the month I had told him to remove all stuff from social media of us, change our profile pictures, he changed all of his passwords, told him if he was for real he would give me back the key to my house and get all of his stuff from there as well but this time he broke up with me and hasn’t done any of that at all. Everything on social media is still up, passwords the same, still has the key and hasn’t collected his stuff. THe month we were together it was fantastic, no arguing, going on dates, we talked out any problems that rose and wasn’t genuinely the happiest we had been in a long time and he always brought up on his own accord our future and kids and moving in. I don’t know what happened. We have been together three years, eachothers best friend and gone on long vacations and done long distance various times due to him having to go to see family. I don’t know if the no contact is working, I think he is relieved

Em

July 10, 2017 at 11:50 pm

And all of his passwords haven’t been changed and he still listens to sad music
Em

July 10, 2017 at 11:46 pm

I was just told by a friend he was making out with another girl in public at his work. He has tried talking to other girls to see if he can be happy other times we have broken up but it’s never been to this extent and he still hasn’t asked for his stuff or given me my key back or taken social media down so I don’t know what to think or do. My birthday is coming up right after the one month no contact ends so I don’t know what to expect.
Em

July 7, 2017 at 4:43 pm

(The break up prior to this recent one he did return the key and take everything down and change the passwords but come to find out he changed it my name so even when he was saying it was completely done he was lying) but hasn’t changed or done anything that he knows I constitute as a 100% real break up
EBR Team Member: Amor

July 9, 2017 at 6:43 pm

Looks like he’s still thinking of you, continue to be active in posting in sites where the posts lasts..

Alice T.

July 5, 2017 at 4:01 pm

Hey Amor,im in a tough situation can i get a reply?

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 5, 2017 at 6:42 pm

Hi Alice,
Sure..what is it?

Shar

July 3, 2017 at 4:24 pm

My boyfriend of 9 months and I had a bit of a rough start. About 3 weeks into the relationship i broke up with him but immediately regretted and we got back together a week later. 8 months later he broke up with me. For about 4 days we go back and forth talking about breakup, of course with me asking for another chance. He said that he wants to be friends but just doesn’t think a relationship would work out. I said I’d try but need time. I immediately started no contact but broke it at about day 20. When I initiated contact I was inticing and he responded. We met up for lunch and made plans to grab drinks later that weekend. After grabbing drinks without me bringing up the relationship he says he “doesn’t like we should get back together.” We have a bunch of mutual friends so since this we have seen each other but have not really interacted. Is there anything I can do to salvage this situation? Which approach should I use? Please Help!

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 5, 2017 at 4:12 pm

Hi Shar,

Restart the 30 days nc and then take it slow in building rapport after while continuing to improve yourself

Jupiter

July 2, 2017 at 11:26 pm

My ex and I broke up 2months ago after a 1.5 year relationship. We have been in contact over the last 2 months mostly by my initiation. I reach out every 3 to 4 days. sometimes the conversations are ok and sometimes it is alot of fighting. He continuously asks for space. He says if i would back off he would contact me. He says that there may be a chance of reconciliation in the future if I would allow time apart from this but i don’t know if he is just saying that because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. Some days I miss him a ton and just message to say hi. is there a way i can turn this around? He says we broke up because we grew apart and we were starting to bring each other down rather than life each other up. Please help.

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 5, 2017 at 10:36 am

Hi jupiter,

Are you going to do at least 30 days nc?

Natalie

June 27, 2017 at 11:50 pm

Hi. He broke up with me a second time about a month ago. The first time we dated for a short period of time and I got him back my own way, just by continuing being friends with him but the second time after a longer period of dating it’s not working. He does answer when I text him sometimes (sometime he ignores) but most of the time he responds. His responses are very boring though, it’s like he doesn’t want to talk to me, he’s very cold towards me and avoids me in person. I decided to try out the no contact rule. I’ve been in NC for 2 days but I’m starting to worry that he doesn’t care I’m not contacting him and that he’s not going to contact me.

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 30, 2017 at 9:32 am

Hi natalie,

It’s ok if he doesn’t contact you.. You can initiate after nc… Focus ib improving yourself now..and continue doing that after nc while bulding slowly rapport

kayte

June 25, 2017 at 12:04 am

hi there,okay broke up 9 weeks ago after 3 yr on and off relationship, but remained texting,decided to go no contact i want him back but was fed up of the same arguments, i’m on day 15 feel’s like forever feels like its hurting me and not bothering him, i’ve not initiated any contact i have not answered no texts, there only really short asking(if i’m okay ?) ect i started no contact after i felt he was losing interest and respect for me long story but i felt i was the one putting all the effort to try and work thing through i felt i was starting to act desperate for his attention as i wasn’t getting any at one point, but i bumped into him yest in the supermarket at the counter purely accidental i’ve not seen him before this for 9 week and he started to talk me first thing was what’s wrong? why aren’t you responding to my text’s? then how have you been? i felt myself blushing as this was in front of cashier as i was getting served and instead of sort of thinking quickly and saying something like i don’t want to talk about this right now my nerves got the better of me and replied with i need some space so do you.after that he talked about things he’d been doing (well bragged) and i just said i had to go i was in a rush so have i messed up?? he texted straight after (it was lovely to see you today xx) and (thanks for answering my question).now have i messed up and start again?
i’ve not replied i wanted to hug him when i left him yesterday but i didn’t i’m starting to panic he’s going to just ignore my text after day 30 as i think he will see it as a game he’s very stubborn my words don’t work when we try to work through our problem’s in the past so will my actions make any different’s i love him very much still i don’t want to lose him altogether Thanks in advance.

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 29, 2017 at 5:34 am

The question is did you improve yourself,how much and how active were you in posting?

Kassie

June 15, 2017 at 2:24 pm

My boyfriend of nearly 5 months broke up with me last week. This was after he had already decided he would give me another chance after almost breaking up with me 2 weeks prior. Basically we moved very quickly from the moment we first met and it got to a point where he was starting to feel smothered (his words). I didn’t see it right away, and once i did, i didn’t know how to best handle it. When he said he’d give me another chance, he said we could see each other and reevaluate things. He works out of town during the week, so we would only see each other Thurs-Sunday as it was. He said he needed space for things to get back to where they were, so i didn’t ask to see him, hoping he would ask to see me. Well 2 weeks came around, and I couldn’t take it anymore and texted him, and asked if I was going to see him that weekend (this was last week). He got upset with me, saying that i kept pushing, and that’s exactly what the issue was to begin with. That this was the same type of behavior that led him to wanting to break up in the first place.

Well, that conversation basically ended that way. He stopped responding to my texts begging him for a chance (stupid, i know). The next morning, with a clear mind, and a bit more calmed down, i texted him and basically told him that i didn’t feel as he had given us a proper last chance, seeing as we didn’t get to talk in person, face to face. Only text for 2 weeks. I said to him, let’s take a week apart and talk next week. I told him hold on to my things (which he had threatened to mail to me the night before). That i would miss him, but i respect his wishes for space. That was almost a week ago, he never responded. Haven’t spoken to him since. Been trying to just cut out contact, give him space, hope he reconsiders.

The issue is, I don’t know if he didn’t respond because in his mind, he’s already done, finished. Or is he really trying to see if i can go a week without contacting him? Meanwhile, he hasn’t mailed my things, so i can’t help but think that may be a good sign? Also, he has a plane ticket that i need to get from him for a trip we were supposed to go on together to visit a friend of mine, but because of all this, I plan on going alone. SO i need to get that from him in the next 2 weeks. I was planning on waiting more time to contact him, hoping he will contact me first.

I haven’t given up hope. I am madly in love with this guy and I now realize where I went wrong. If he gave me another chance, i would treat the relationship completely differently than before. I just want HIM in my life. I’m not afraid of being alone, he is literally the man of my dreams. Will he come back? Should i contact him in another week? Am i stupid for thinking he may come back at all?

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 17, 2017 at 6:18 pm

start the nc period now.. do at least 30 days.. you can talk about the ticket but only make it about that

Jamie

June 15, 2017 at 10:05 am

I was in a relationship for about a year. We were best friends before and during our relationship and had a lot of love and support for each other. Towards the end, he told me he didn’t feel happy and we had been fighting a lot and he just gave up. He told me it was over, immediately to move on, to give up. He told me there was never going to be a possibility of getting back together. I cried every day for a month. I tried to talk to him every day about it. He always left me in tears. He said he needed space but I couldn’t give it to him. I tried to give him a weekend and then talk to him, but still no change in heart. That was how it was for an entire month. Last week, I showed up at his house. We fought but in the end decided to talk. He once again said we needed REAL space, like no talking to him or ABOUT him with his friends. It hurt but I said, if that means there’s a chance, okay. Then he hugged me and I left. Now, I don’t know if that “space” he’s taking about is just an excuse to get rid of me or if he really is taking the time to think things over. I know what I want, he makes me so happy. What should I do. I haven’t talked to him or talked about him in a week. I want to go at least a month but even after, I’m not sure how to talk to him. HELP.

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 17, 2017 at 7:03 am

HI Jamie,

why not do the no contact rule?

Rola

June 13, 2017 at 7:02 pm

Hi Amor!
I was in a short relationship, two months. He suddenly told me he thinks this relationship won’t run in a long term although he really likes me.
After we talked about our honest feelings without being emotional, and he said to me, let’s see if this works out. He also told me he wanted to stay friends even if this wouldn’t work out twice, but I said no. He asked me out and went on a date, everything looked good and I was relieved so didn’t act like being a needy person. But he started being distant and disappeared for 10 days. He reached out at me in a casual way, so I suggested talking on the phone to ask him where we are. He stumbled but told me he thought we’re just friends. I didn’t agree with the term but I told him this is not working. We enjoyed chatting, which made him said we should do this sometime. I responded like let me think about it since I didn’t want to be in his friend zone. After that, I started no contact and I could last it for 22 days. He sent me a casual email during the time, and I ended up replying to him after ignoring him 10 days.
After that, I texted him about the thing I left at his house and called him. He took the call without waiting a second. He asked me how I’m doing etc, and promised to text me back, which he didn’t. I called him again after waiting for a week, and he texted me to find my thing, but he couldn’t find it. After that, conversation stopped, and I don’t know what I should do. For me, texting is confusing and I felt like talking on the phone is better way. Is that too soon or too much?
It has been two months since last time I met him. Could you give me any advice to make him want to get me back?

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 14, 2017 at 4:06 pm

you have to restart the nc and stick to at least 30 days..

avianna

June 11, 2017 at 2:30 pm

Hi! I’m in NC for 9 days now. My ex contacted me 3 times during this time but I ignored him until day 6 when he texted me that he got some letter for me that came on his address, I replied him shortly how to pass post to me. Since that time he is not cotacting me but I don’t know if I should start NC from the beggining or just continue the one I started…

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 14, 2017 at 10:00 am

You can just continue

Ann

June 10, 2017 at 2:22 pm

Hi
My ex bf broke up with me 2 and a half weeks ago after 5 months of relationship.
Our relationship was good apart from a pet of his I disliked , which he brought 4 months (only) earlier. As we were talking about moving in together and me keep trashing about his pet he started to behave differently and saying he feels he is losing himself in the relationship. 2 weeks after when he formally broke up with me it seemed like he did not have any real good reason , he was very cold and distant and looks as if he is trying to logically convince himself with stupid reasons – he blamed me for not wanting the relationship in my subconscious (WTF?) and maybe it is just wasn’t “it”. i tried to talk with him the days after to explain it was a lack of communication but he said he can’t give me answers and he is sure of his decision.
Since then I started NC , 2 weeks have passed and I did not heard for him.
I know he starts a big job, which he was excited about, in 3 weeks from now and I fear that due to the stress he is in ( towards preparing all sorts of stuff for his new position) and the excitement he will be in once he will start that job will make him “too busy” to ever think of me and maybe try again.
As I contacted him right after the break up and tried to talk some sense to him , I’m kind of reluctant to try and initiate contact ever again …
Is there any chance he will initial contact with me ?

Ann

June 15, 2017 at 10:37 am

I actually did no nag , just mentioned I wouldn’t live with this pet ( as he was talking about us moving in together) , immediately he flipped and took that as an ultimatum and mentioned it reminded him of a manipulative ex of him, who divided him from his family before.
However, I never tried to change him and to get him to give up stuff for me ( the pet is actually the one thing that bothered me and he had it for few months only, got it after we were already together…)
When I asked to talk with him he was cold, did not make any eye contact and basically was a stranger.
I tried to tell my side of things, that this is a communication failure ( he never mentioned that he felt bad, and broke up with me out of the blue).
I truly felt that if we both knew our soft spots , that we would be able to avoid drama in the future as we were so good together.
Anyways, as he was so off in our meeting , I couldn’t get to him at all. He said he was sure of his decision and was anxious to leave.
We did not speak afterwards, which makes the NC around 3 weeks…
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 17, 2017 at 7:15 am

ok, it’s not about the pet, it’s about you trying to tell him what he could and could not do.. either he’s pet is important or not, it did sound like you’re not trying to compromise with him because a pet is not actually a bad thing.. unless he’s doing something wrong, you would make sense to him. And if that pet is important to him and it’s a non negotiable with you, then think about if you really want to be him
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 14, 2017 at 8:50 am

There is.. But the question is, did he get tired of you nagging about his pet because his pet is important to him, adding to the factor that he is also stressed in his job?

a

June 4, 2017 at 1:26 pm

hello, my ex and me wer in a relationship for a year and seemed to hav no problem but after a year he started complaining that its becoming difficult for him,he is unhappy and needs peace though he loves me but doesn’t want me anymore. seeing his previous relationships I was his first serious and the longest one. he said that he doesn’t need me now at all and wants to focus on his career and wont be back with me ever. it was a shock and our break up was unexpected and a surprise for all.it affected me a lot and I sounded needy and desperate at the start. he told our mutual frnd that except his emotional needs he is a lot happy now. I dunno if its true but then he is enjoying his singledom for now since his frnds are giving him a lot of comfort now. he told he wont be dating atleast for a year now..so even if it means a 1%chance for me to get him back I will do that. I love him a lot and also want him to be happy with or without me.but as a human being I m a bit selfish to want him back so want to try this out.. so I have started this no contact period and its been a week.. for how long should I continue this and then how do I approach him after that?

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 5, 2017 at 9:01 pm

Hi A,

do at least 30 days and check the links below:
The Ungettable Girl
EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message

Ashwini

May 27, 2017 at 4:11 am

Hi Armor,

My boyfriend broke up with me 4 months ago after a 2 years relationship.. Dring those 4 months we were in touch, we kept meeting each other but each time i has asked him if he loves me, he said NO. lately i have been very needy as he has stopped replying to my text and blocked me on his phone. i have sent him long messages, i got angry, i have blocked and deleted him in every social media and told him hurtful things. I am missing him loads and feels guilty about my behaviour. I came across this website and learnt abt the NC.
Is it too late to start the NC. Have i lost him forever by my behaviour ?
How many days of NC should i do based upon how i have reacted. I really want him back and he forgets all i said to him and forgive me 🙁
Thank you in anticipation for prompt response Armor.

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 29, 2017 at 3:05 pm

Hi Ashwini,

well, try it first.. even if it’s not a guarantee it will work, it can help increase your chances.. try at least 45 days

Jen

May 22, 2017 at 5:19 pm

Amor, thank you so much. That gives me some hope. I have been posting but I don’t think he checks social media, plus we don’t follow or friend each other anymore so I definitely don’t know how he can see I am doing well. We do have mutual friends I talk to though.

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 24, 2017 at 2:04 pm

That’s ok.. if you can make it public, make it public.. what’s more important is that he has something to see if he gets curious or that mutual friends will see and get curious and ask him, or when he get curious when you’re already building rapport

jen

May 20, 2017 at 3:05 am

Hi Amor, I have been seeing a therapist biweekly this entire time and I feel so much better about myself. I suffer from bipolar disorder and lost a family member so it was really hard for me to cope and he had difficulty empathizing with me during this critical point in my life. It’s been three weeks today since we last talked and I have made no attempt to get in touch with him again. I have removed him from every social media site and we’ve both deleted pictures or any trace of “us” off our accounts. I don’t know what’s the next step I should take, because even though I am still a bit upset with him for abandoning me when I needed him most, I am willing to forgive him and start over at some point.

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 21, 2017 at 6:36 pm

ok, that’s very good but if you weren’t active in posting, restart the count because that’s your indirect way of showing you’re moving on and improving..check the link below too and about your question, he’s probably just respecting your space.
The Ungettable Girl

jen

May 19, 2017 at 1:24 pm

my long distance ex broke up with me over the phone three weeks ago. I told him I didn’t want to talk to him again because he insisted we stay friends. it’s been three weeks on NC and I’ve heard nothing from him. could this possibly be because i rejected his offer to be friends? what do i do next?

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 19, 2017 at 11:00 pm

Hi Jen,

first, how active were you in improving yourself and in posting?

Jane

May 13, 2017 at 9:46 am

Hi I split with my ex a month ago and since then we have been in frequent contact and it was mostly positive. However the past week I got a bit needy and asked if there’s a chance we could get back together. He said no. Then I text him and asked him out to the cinema and he replied saying he wasn’t sure it was a great idea. I have ignored this text but is it too late for NC to work now?

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 13, 2017 at 3:52 pm

it’s not yet too late.. you can still do it..

Hannah

April 30, 2017 at 7:57 am

Oooh Amor, this guy just keeps on pushing and pulling… we text, build rapport, he says some really sweet loving things that give me hope but I stay cool, we get into a skype call (but oh he lured me into cybersex), afterwards he pushes away and we’re in mini nc again. He is just the typical guy you describe, I wont give him the sex anymore but hell this guy will just keep pushing and pulling trying to make revange by making me jealous and push/pull games.. it drives me bonkers and maybe I should just give up? We’re only going in circles here. I think he wants me back but first he wants to play with me like a cat with a mouse. I’m so tired of that. How can I break the circle, how do I improve myself? By saying sorry I waited so long before committing? It’s something I couldn’t have done differently so I’m not entirely sorry about it. Aaaah….. it’s crazy!

EBR Team Member: Amor

April 30, 2017 at 2:09 pm

how long have you been building rapport

Nella

April 22, 2017 at 12:38 am

Hello, I dated a guy for 2 months, at the begining everything was awesome, he called me everyday to ask how was my day, we were never official but we hanged out all the weekends together and he was very nice with me, but then suddenly he started calling me less and it happened almost when I started showing my feelings to him, he passed from calling everyday to call twice a week, and sometimes only Saturday night, so I did 2 weeks no contact athen he called me back those 2 weeks I thought he would start calling everyday like before but he didn’t, I didn’t hear from him since Wednesday till Saturday night, I felt he was calling for have fun only, then I sent him the breakup message, I told him I didn’t see we were going somewhere together and told him goodbye. It has been 30 days already and haven’t heard from him at all. I wanted to texted him so many times but I held back , after one month he hasn’t contact me, what do i do, should i contact him or just forget about him.

EBR Team Member: Amor

April 27, 2017 at 2:57 pm

if you were active in improving yourself and in posting in the past month, initiate contact and slowly build rapport. If not, do that first.

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1,033 thoughts on “What To Do When The No Contact Rule Doesn’t Work”