When life doesn’t go according to plan it can be difficult.
When things with your ex don’t go according to plan it can be downright painful.
-Chris Seiter
I have been doing this for a really long time and the one thing that has become clear to me is that even if you have the best laid plans your ex can do something to completely screw your plans up.
It’s at that point that adaptability kicks in and becomes your best friend.
The problem is that most people struggle to adapt.
Well, that’s kind of what my guest today is a specialist in.
Christine Hassler is kind of a big deal, she has authored “Expectation Hangover” which is essentially the “go to” guide when things don’t go according to plan and runs one of the top podcasts on iTunes.
No seriously, she is super famous!
And to say she “brings it” in this episode is an understatement.
Check it out!
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWhat To Do When Things Don’t Go According To Plan With Your Ex
What We Talk About In This Episode
- How looking inwards is often the best use of your time
- What an expectation hangover is
- Sometimes it’s ok to be alone as opposed to being defined by a relationship
- There’s no perfect partner and why it’s important to know that
- Christina’s advice on how to draw someone in
- Having a list? Yay or nay?
Jenny
March 27, 2017 at 6:22 am
Hi Team!
I commented on this site ages ago when my ex broke up with me after we were pretty serious (a year ago exactly). Long story short he ended seeing his best friend’s exe less than 2 months after dumping me, all the while leading me on after NC and playing games while seeing her. Cut me off then contact me again a few months later. He would text me every day and want to see me every week. This went on for a couple months. Basically lead me on again but I played it real cool. He even invited me to his thanksgiving all the while still with the girl. Then he ghosted me and I contacted him weeks later and he told me him and the girl are gf/bf and proceeded to block me on all social media. Oh well! Good riddance I am moving on and have no desire to even pursue or see that guy again.
Anyways I need advice on a guy (not my ex lol!) so in January I met someone on tinder of all places lol! We hit it off and he really wanted to meet up with me. Even saying he’d ditch his plans with friends to meet up. But when he asked it was last minute and I had plans plus he should plan ahead 😛 anyways we went on our first date a week later and it went great. I could tell he was super into me (he was really touchy) and after the date he said he wanted to see me again later in the week. our schedules didn’t work out and I only saw him 2 weeks later and it was great again. He honesty acted like he was my boyfriend. Even though I was acting all casual. I ended up sleeping with him even though I turned him down at first. After that he texted me a lot and wanted to see me days later. I already warned him earlier that I had deadlines with work in the next week so I had to decline to catch up on my work. But since then he hasn’t been as excited and into seeing me…I thought maybe he was giving me space because I was busy. But I texted him after I was done my work things and telling him yay I finished. And he answer me and say we should hang out soon but never set a date…I’d text him every few days and he’d always say we should hang out this weekend! But never made the plans (& I never asked)..he even went 2 weeks without texting me and I finally initiated. I told him I’m off work for the next week hoping he’d ask me to do something but he didn’t. So in the middle of my week off I asked him to do something and we did and it was great. He acted like he was my boyfriend. Kissing me when I arrived. Cuddling me etc. Even though I hadn’t seen him for 3 weeks. After that we texted every few days and met up again 2 weeks later (he initiated). Same thing acted like my boyfriend. Now though once again I haven’t seen him in 3 weeks. I haven’t taken the lead to ask to do something though.
I just don’t understand. He seemed so excited to see me the first montheven when I had to decline due to being busy. He was still super eager. Now it seemed to stop. I know if I were to text him he’d answer and we’d have a good conversation. I know if I asked when he was free he’d tell me and he’d act like my boyfriend. I just don’t get it. How can we progress if we only see each other every 3 weeks?
I know he seems to have his life together (unlike my ex). He is almost done his masters so he puts in some hours at school, he goes to the gym, he plays tennis, he does side projects with friends, he volunteers etc. So he seems to always want to be busy doing something. Why not be busy doing something with me like he seemed so eager to do at the beginning? I’m not sure what to do to make him desire me more? Do you have any suggestions? I know It’s only been 2 months but we’ve only seen each other 4 times. He seems different. At the beginning (even 2 weeks after sleeping with him) he seemed soooo eager to see me it seems to have dwindled. But I know if I were to see him tomorrow he’d act like boyfriend. So I’m just confused! Your thoughts & ideas?
Jenny
April 2, 2017 at 2:19 am
Hi Amor!
I need some more advice…I haven’t seen him in over 3 weeks but I know he does plan on seeing me because he keeps referring to waiting for when I’m over to play a new game he has…
I know when he finally initiated seeing me again he is going to act like my bf. Kiss me on arrival, cuddle with me on the couch etc…but I don’t know how I feel about it. I used to just go among with it. But I don’t know he goes soooo long between seeing me that I’m not really old with him treating me like his bf….how should I act when I see him next???
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 3, 2017 at 7:12 am
be a little distant.. tell him the kiss and cuddle needs a boyfriend pass..
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 28, 2017 at 4:18 pm
Hi Jenny,
since you’re not officially together and he doesn’t seem to be committing, try the links below:
How To Ask Your Ex Boyfriend To Be In A Relationship With You
How Do I Get My Commitment Phobic Ex Boyfriend Back?
Blue
January 26, 2017 at 2:13 am
My boyfriend (let’s call him R.) & I have been together for 5 years in a long distance relationship. We met once a week, during weekends. R. always wanted to pay for everything during our dates. 2 months ago he lost his job & everything changed. He told me we should start meeting only twice a month. We had our last date 9 weeks ago, he treated me well, but avoided answers to my questions why he wanted to see me less. His emails to me became cold & finally, 8 weeks ago he called off our date without any reason.
Our relationship was exclusive, respectful & he was treating me almost like a princess. I know/feel he broke with me because he had no money & he always believed that a man should pay during dates. After he called the date off, I emailed him asking for reasons, but I didn’t beg, just told him my heart was still ready for him. After no response & got help from EXRecovery & you advised me he needed my support for now. So, I started emailing R again, but his replies were cold, short (like “yes”, “OK”, “No”, “Nice”), then R. stopped replying at all.
I asked EXRecovery for help & you advised me to go to NC, 30 days. I did all well, applied all the rules . So after 30 days I still had no email or text from R. I asked ExRecovery if I should contact him; you told me to decide myself. I waited a week since the end of NC & 6 days ago I contacted R. by email and he answered. I wrote him something related to his dog(R. loves his dog); he only answered, “nice”. I kept trying. I found a pretext to talk about politics, we exchanged some emails, nothing personal. Then again, I asked his advice about something; he answered but was keeping neutral tone.
Last time, I sent him email was yesterday night & then today morning; the morning email I sent had the similar content as the evening one. I repeated email because I thought he might not get this one, maybe I shouldn’t do that. But I have had no reply from R. for 24 h. Maybe I should be more patient.
I see things don’t work the way I want but they are not that bad either. R. still responds me, so it seems he wants to keep in touch. I know it doesn’t mean he wants relationship. I wonder if it has to do with money. I don’t even ask R. if he got a job, because I feel that it’s a sensitive topic for him,.
Should I even continue trying? I just ask for a neutral opinion. Does it look for you that he might be even interested in relationship?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 26, 2017 at 12:55 pm
Hi Blue
ot looks like he’s just being friendly
kathy
January 13, 2017 at 8:31 am
Me and my ex met during my solo trip. We both fancied about each other and had a fun time together for 5 days. He was a quite experienced guy but for me that was my first ever relationship. After split, we had a distant relationship for about 2months then he flew to my country for me and lived with me for one month. Unfortunately we didn’t work out in the end. He left me. There was no other external causes of the breakup basically just he said we were not a good fit and he knew we wouldn’t work out. We are too different I am not the type compatible with him blah blah. For me it was my first relationship so I felt we could try to work things out. Anyways after he left, he contact me immediately the second day asked me if I felt better. I asked him to leave me alone for some time. But then we had some simple conversations on and off for a few days. I was also confused because he was still using our picture as his dp. Until finally after almost one month we broke up, he changed his dp. He asked me to find another bf. I stopped contact him since then. I keep diary everyday now as I know I can’t contact him. But I know I do miss him, and the feeling and pain is killing me everyday. I kinda still want to try to get him back. I even thought about impulsively fly to his place. I am just controlling myself not to do stupid things as my heart is so stupid atm. Suffering hard. Any advice for me? thanks
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 13, 2017 at 4:18 pm
Hi Kathy,
so, the relationship was 3 months? Do you want to try the no contact rule? If yes, focus in healing and improving yourself
Iris
January 11, 2017 at 5:51 am
Dear Chris,
I am posting second time here as I don’t know why my comments seems disappeared.
I and my ex boyfriend was together for only 6 months and we break up for nearly one year now. The reasons of break up is not clear, most probably is he love me too little and I am a bit pushy. We argue a lot and finally we break up. After that, I was very sad and angry, so I applied the NC rule. However, it doesn’t work out. He tried to post something on Instagram to remind me, but I can’t get it. Then, we have been no contact for a year. For a month before, i initiated the contact with him and we talked quite well continuously for a month, and managed to meet up for three times. However, I feel like he just wanna be friends, so I can’t control and asked him whether he would like to be together again. He answered he is seriously not ready for a relationship with me now and say it was a bit too fast. He say we can be friends first but he afraid i wont be happy. It seems that he totally moved on. After that, I didn’t contact him for 2 weeks already and he didn’t message me either, what can i do? If i stay as friends, will i be friendzoned? And as he knows i love him, he will find me gettable and don’t wanna get back together. So, what to do now? should i give up now? I hope to receive your advice. I can’t work now.
Thanks a lot.
Iris
Iris
January 13, 2017 at 2:17 am
Hi Amor,
Besides, I understand if i can get him to move one step more, then everything would be easier, but seems he don’t wanna put it that step! Besides, i don’t know how to show him i massively changed.
Thanks a lot.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 13, 2017 at 3:16 pm
At this point, it would be better to think of it that he has moved on from you.. Chasing is never attractive. You’ll either be used or ignored if you do that. You have to raise your value by improving yourself. If he can see you’re desperate for him, he’s not going to be attracted. Aim to be the ungettable girl. That means being willing to lose him if it doesnt work. Lose him than lose yourself.
Iris
January 13, 2017 at 2:05 am
Hi Amor,
Thanks a lot.
But would he totally forgets me and gets another girl if i don’t contact him through such a long period of time? I do think he is chasing another girl.
Also, he seems taking advantage of me chasing him previously, i do think he knows how i feel actually. I seems can do nothing to get him interested in me again. Should i chase him and treat him very good, then suddenly disappear from his life?
Or sending some message like ” OK, I do think we should be friends better” , then talk to him again? would it work?
Thanks a lot. =(
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 11, 2017 at 1:00 pm
Hi Iris,
I’ll copy paste my answer there here.
Hi Iris,
I think as a last approach, make it seem that you have accepted that you wont get back with and then improve massively..aim.to be the ungettable girl and then when you start to rebuild rapport, make good memories, have fun..I think you should do at least 45 days-3 months of nc.. but if it doesn’t work after this, move on..
Jay
January 8, 2017 at 8:31 pm
My ex and I were together for two and a half years. We had a special connection, we helped eachother through a lot in that time and really shaped eachother into who we are now. We were both committed to the long run, best friends, in eachothers families.
He started a new job, and in the final months we argued on and off – rather than support him I would get on at him for not prioritising me. I regret that. I lost sight of what was important. Eventually he said he couldn’t take the arguing anymore and tried to end things, but I convinced him to give us a shot – him wanting to leave made me realise nothing else was important. So we then spent 2/3 weeks just moving forward, no arguments.. but I catch him messaging someone else, and when I confront him, he breaks up with me – said obviously he’s not happy and he knows we won’t make eachother happy in the long run.
This was 4 months ago. I did a month of no contact, and then tried far too soon to reconcile, we met up a couple of times, just to talk, nothing serious.. and it was nice. I probably hadnt changed outwardly. The second month he was very hot and cold. Since then I’ve decided to close the door and just move on, I’ve grieved. We’ve spoken very rarely just the odd message on Christmas/birthdays/when I had a family problem he was there for me.,
Now I’m working on me, trying properly to move on, date etc. But I truly miss my best friend, and appreciate so much what we had together. I just want that chance that he never really gave me – to not be petty about little things, just appreciate him, and our relationship.
How would I go about doing this? I’m not aware of him having a new gf or anything..
Jay
January 9, 2017 at 6:59 pm
Hi Amor,
Thank you so much for getting back to me!
How do you mean move on.. and how can I move on and make him realise…
I dont feel ready to date anyone, else and I dont think that me plastering all over social media that im with someone new would be at all attractive to him.. thats not who i am either..
I cant figure out my next steps!
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 9, 2017 at 7:37 pm
you dont have to date anyone but you have toove forward in your life. Make a new routine, improve yourslef, do new things and make new friends
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 8, 2017 at 11:16 pm
Hi Jay,
if you really want a chance of that, he has to see you differently first, because pushing for a chance like that just looks like you’re using it for a way back.. he has to think you’ve moved on first.. so move on first
Linda
January 8, 2017 at 6:37 pm
My boyfriend broke up with me 8 weeks ago. He said we had too many problems and that this is the best for us right now. He keeps on saying that we might get back together in the future but today he told me that we probably won’t get back together. We’ve been together for 3 years and in LDR for 1 year. I know we can fix our problems but I don’t know what to do now when he told me that we probably won’t get back together? I don’t know if he got annoyed or if he really means it. Ever since the break up he has been really cold and distans. What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 8, 2017 at 10:59 pm
Hi Linda,
follow the advice on this one:
The Complete Guide To Getting An Ex Boyfriend Back In A Long Distance Relationship
Charlotte
January 7, 2017 at 3:54 pm
So i’ve gotten into a bit of a complicated situation with my ex…
We’re both 25 and originally dated for 5 years. We were each others firsts and it was our first long term relationship. He’d never dated before me, whereas i had dated others before him. Things got bad after i found him on dating sites 6 months into the relationship and i threatened to walk out. He begged me to stay and i did, however things just became worse and worse after that with our trust breaking down and both of us resenting each other, feeling more alone when we were together than apart. So i broke up with him.
Fast forward to a year since the break up and I’ve completed NC successfully, and we’ve been seeing each other for 4 months. He flat out refuses to call me his girlfriend. We act like we’re in a relationship, he messages me every night, talks about a future with me and having children, and wants to see me more often. I’m even starting a new career and he’s asking me not to move abroad because he doesn’t want to lose me. He never wants me not to be in his life.
I pointed this all out to him and asked why he refuses to call me his girlfriend. He keeps saying he’s stressed, he can’t move on with his life until his parents get back together, he’s not ready etc. He seems to think that being my boyfriend again means marriage. I’m certainly not thinking like that, or ready for that yet. He on the other hand is combining marriage and being my boyfriend.
I have no idea what to do. He’s doing everything he can to avoid the title, while actually doing everything that a boyfriend would be doing. He knows that i’ve fallen back in love without me saying it, and i know that he cares just as much, but i can’t carry on like this. I’ve given him another week to decide until i make my choice, because i honestly can’t keep wasting my time if he doesn’t want to take this further. Especially since it’s been 4 months of us dating already.
I don’t want to lose him, but at the moment i don’t see any other choice if he won’t make the decision to call me his girlfriend. Any advice?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 8, 2017 at 7:30 pm
Hi Charlotte,
yup..lose him or lose standards.. because at this point, you’re basically allowing him not to commit
Sherry
January 5, 2017 at 11:07 pm
My ex-boyfriend and I are older (51 and 48) and started out pretty hot and heavy about 6 months ago after meeting on eHarmony. We are VERY similar (matched between 96 and 100% on all categories by eHarmony) and love to crack each other up. He talked pretty early about moving in (eventually) and marriage (“unless something MAJOR happens”). (This would be his 3rd marriage and my first.) Unfortunately, we both experienced about 3 months of VERRRRRRY stressful time (work mostly) and we had less time for each other (we even went over 4 weeks without having sex because he was SO exhausted–genuinely!). I thought that once things settled down (in December, but then there is Christmas!), we would regain our connection and time for each other. We took our first vacation together after Thanksgiving, but it was uncomfortable for me and it wasn’t very romantic, despite being in a very beautiful, mountainous, romantic setting. When I asked him about his distant behavior, he said I was “reading too much into it.” When we got home and talked about it (New Year’s day after playing tennis and laughing/hanging out having fun!), he said maybe we are too much alike because, although we still have AMAZING sex, he feels we are so similar that I’m more like a friend (or even a sister–ugh!). We jointly and amicably split up because, despite my belief that we could regain the passion we once had, he didn’t believe he would change his mind (he said he had “thought” about it for several weeks). He asked if I’d still like to be friends and I said, “The girl in me says yes, but the psychologist (yes, I’m a psychologist!) in me says that won’t likely work,” since our future partners aren’t likely to appreciate us spending time with an ex, even as friends. We hugged goodbye and I heard him take two quick breaths (like he was crying, although I didn’t see any real tears). As he walked out to his car, I told him I loved him and after a couple second hesitation, he looked back and said, “I love you, too, Sherry” and got in his car and drove away. The next day (as expected), I stalked his FB page and saw that he unfriended me already and I wasn’t following him (I’m not sure how the following thing works, honestly). I thought long and hard about it for two days and (before I found Ex-boyfriend Recovery) decided to write him a brief e-mail saying that since we are basically in the same field and have SO much in common, I felt I made a hasty move (as my brain was BUZZING from the fact that he wasn’t willing to try to fix things) and would of course like to be friends, since I generally enjoy smart and funny people (like him!) for friends. I sent this Tuesday morning and haven’t heard a reply 2 days later (I know he saw it because he has to monitor his e-mail for work). I read information from your pages about NC and what to do on my FB page and how to focus on my own self (I posted that I’m returning to ballroom dance lessons and plan to post a pic when I play tennis tonight). So, my question is:
What do I do if HE is doing NC to ME???
I don’t feel overly anxious (well, not as much as I usually would in this situation) and hope that he will see all the fun I’m having on my FB posts (I changed my privacy settings from “friends only” to “public”). I hope he will look at my page eventually and I have to believe that he will remember how much fun we had and how much we have in common, but if he never contacts me, I guess NC doesn’t work! Should I EVER contact him (after a month or two)? Any advice??? Thank you!
Sherry
January 10, 2017 at 6:59 pm
Thanks for the reply, Amor!
Well, right after I sent this question to you, he replied via text (I guess he’s not ghosting me after all?):
“I did not mean to just ignore your email from the other day. I don’t know what I think about trying to maintain a friendship. You were pretty clear and decisive when you said that you didn’t think it would work. I’m not sure which side of this you really stand on. I kind of think that we should just leave it the way it is. I think it could just lead to making each other feel badly at some point. I don’t know that there needs to be more discussion on this, but if you feel strongly about it we could talk.”
He has a history of misinterpreting me (making assumptions that aren’t true), but I DID underline in my original e-mail the words “Of course I would like to still be friends.” So why does he use such hesitant language (kinda, I don’t know, etc.) and say he’s not sure which side of this I really stand on? He sounds insecure…?
Anyway, I did not reply and am one week into NC now. I am still posting on FB all the fun things I’m doing and looking into getting a professional photo taken (also good for professional reasons), but I just wonder if I should just move on if he isn’t sure if he even wants to be friends (?). Your thoughts would be really helpful. Thank you!
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 11, 2017 at 11:37 am
maybe it came across to him that you were trying too hard to be friends, because later on you would want to be back. finish nc first, then if he’s not friendly after that, move on..
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 7, 2017 at 6:07 am
Hi Sherry,
If he doing the nc rule, that means he wants you back because after it he would have to build rapport. But I think what you mean is that he’s ghosting you. There’s no guarantee that the no contact rule will work but it wouldn’t be nice to keep messaging you when it’s apparent that he’s ignoring you. And I think what he meant with what he said is that there is no mystery in you, because you two are too alike. He can’t see you as someone intriguing enough to make him interested and chase you.
Deb
January 2, 2017 at 2:47 pm
My ex boyfriend and I broke up on not the best of terms. We were together almost 2 years and the last year of being together he cheated, we took breaks, and he overall just did not treat me well. After the breakup I tried to leave things on a positive note however he didn’t seem to care, went off on me, and told me he didn’t think we should ever speak again. So I came to this site and it’s been seven months since I’ve spoken to him. I’ve changed my look, dated other people, and I’m in a pretty good place. However I miss him and the other night I was drunk and called him so his phone rang once (little imature I know) but then he called me back a few minutes later so it rang once and then proceeded to txt me “did you call me?” I then responded I “I got a new phone it was an accident sorry” and he responded “ok”. Now we haven’t talked since that and I’m not sure what to do from here. I thought he’d deleted my number but I guess not and I didn’t think he would have answered me in the first place. I’m curious why he called back and I wanna contact him again but don’t know how to do it without seeming desperate. Plz help.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 5, 2017 at 6:30 am
Hi Deb,
check this for your first contact text after that incident.
EBR 063: When Texting Goes WRONG With Your Ex…
Suhani
December 18, 2016 at 3:25 pm
I met this guy 6yrs ago, we have been good friends and I started developing feelings for him, but he always friend zoned me out and after some months, we both started being in friends with benefits relation.. he never committed to me but we kept on continuing our so called benefits relation from past 5yrs, he left me twice and after his relation didn’t work he came back to me. Recently 3months ago, he ended everything and reason was he met someone new in his life. I was very much in depression, I came to this site and I read about no contact rule. Yes, I didn’t wish him Birthday nor contacted him by any means.. Day 26 of NC he texted me and he said he missed me and I didn’t wished him birthday hurted him most. And he confessed me that he misses me and wants me in his life but he likes someone too. This irked me, because from past 6yrs I have been waiting for this guy and he just used me. I was in depression, I used to stay home, cried for hours.. it took me a lot of courage to block him everywhere, I focused on moving on and I changed myself into a better person.. I coloured my hair, got new look..and he tried contacting me through our mutual friends, he stalked me through fake profiles and texted me I look hot, and for moment I only told him I hate him and I wouldn’t talk to him ever, he said he missed me, he wants me back as friends with benefits only.. he can’t promise me to commit and all I m doing right now is No contact rule from week, I don’t know what should I do? I really love him still.. how should I make him commit to me?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 21, 2016 at 11:10 am
Hi Suhani,
you cant force him. The only approach is to refuse being friends with benefits. We train others on how they treat us. What you keep allowing is the reflection of your standards.
layla
December 17, 2016 at 10:21 pm
Hi! I wrote on another article before but I forget where so figured this best fit me now. Anyways you probably remember me and how things definitely did not go as plan with my ex. I’ll try to make a quick recap. I’m 30 and my ex is 26. We were together a year and I basically lived with him and he broke up with me because he was “unhappy with himself and needs time to be alone to work on himself.” He basically was unhappy how he hasn’t found a fulltime job in his field (instead he only works in retail 2 days a week). I honestly thought we’d work things out because I know I was with him practically everyday since I basically lived with him and I told him we could spend less time together and just go on date once a week or so but he told me that was not a relationship. I went into NC and a month later reconnected and next thing I know we sleep together. We speak and hook up several times a week for awhile. Then I find out 6 weeks after we broke up he started hooking up with his best friend’s ex Anna. He had us both. I know this for sure because I just got a job next door to his place (I’m a teacher) so I’d see her car over when I would go to work or leave work. Anyways I still put up with him….testing to see if he wants me over Anna. Then in the middle of May I felt he lead me on by acting like my BF (and not friends like benefit which is how I felt he treated me before). However next thing I know he becomes sooo distant with me. He starts blowing me off and then just ignores my texts completely. I was upset and mid June I confront him. I ask him what his problem is when we used to text almost everyday and hangout several times a week and now you want nothing to do with me. He told me he only saw me as a “once a month or less friend” and that I was suffocating him and needy and he was even debating being friends. I told him he initiated texts and hang out just as much as me and suddenly you are over it and won’t say why. He did not answer and a couple of days later I just texted: I know the reason, you have Anna and you slept with us both at the same time. I done being the only one putting in an effort and you made it clear you want nothing to do with me by the way you started treating me.”
I heard from him 2 weeks later when he called me to claim a friend saw me drive by (a lie) and he said I stalk him and he sees me drive by his house in the day. I told him yes because as you know I worked at the school down your street but now that school is over I’m not in his town so he has nothing to worry about. I told him it was very shitty of him to get a gf so soon after breaking up with me when you claim you need to be alone. He said she isn’t his GF they just “hang out.” So I said ok then why cant we hang out anymore? He wouldnt answer and said he had to go. I went into NC. He ended up seeing my cousin a few weeks later and he talked to her about me. Told her he felt I was stalking him and she said no she isn’t and that he is going to regret letting me go because I am amazing.
Anyways after 45 days of N, in August, HE TEXTED ME. He asked me to a movie. I declined saying I was busy. I thought it was weird given he is still with Anna though not official (I know people who know) plus he thinks I’m a stalker why would you talk to a stalker….Anyways he kept initiating texts will me and I was very non chalant. About after 3 weeks into him texting me every few days, he invites me to a movie again and I go. It was great but nothing happened. Then he starts texting me every day and asks to see me every week (in september-early october) I play it cool the whole time. I swear the initiating score was ridiculous. Like 300 to like 5 for me lol! Anyways then he gets a fulltime job in his field and starts being distant with me. I want to say it’s job stress that made him that way but I don’t think so because I know Anna still goes over so he clearly still make time for her regardless of his new job. It’s insulting. Anyways I begin initiating the texts since he stopped and he only replied to them 2-3 days alter very short. I initiate going to watch a hockey game and he accepts and we had fun. I dont initiate any contact but he finally texts me beginning of October to go over to his Thanksgiving with his friends (he texted after midnight) I ignored it until the next day. Thought it was weird given shouldn’t Anna be there? and well it was all his close friends and their GF….Then I don’t hear from him…a week later I ask to hang out. I honestly wanted to talk to him about why he can go from texting me every day and asking to see me every week to barely anything this past month. Like what changed? It’s not just the job because if he really cared about me he’d make the time like he has for Anna. Anyways he invites me to his house to watch hockey (mid October). He was in a really weird mood so I did not feel it was the time to talk. He told me he is exhausted and hates work and feels he has no life becaise all he does is work and gets home late and has no life until the weekend and he claims that isnt living. He seemed depressed and we had a really deep conversation lol. Just not about us which is what I wanted to talk about…..anyways I leave. Don’t her from him and I text him 2 weeks later. He tells me he broke his arm last week and had surgery so he cant work for may weeks. He said he isnt in the mood to hang because of his arm….yet Anna is over almost everyday since he isn’t working.
This upset me because he never told me about his arm when it happened. Don’t friends share that? And now he seems to be making a lame excuse on why he cant see me…when he can clearly see Anna….I back off completely. DOn’t hear from him. A month later (end of November) I text him. He says he can’t do anything because he is going to his gf house. WOW. I text oh so is that why you have stopped talking to me or wanting to see me lately? Because you have a gf? He said no he has been with her since then. There just was not any good movies to see and he broke his arm and has not been in the mood. I said breaking an arm does not stop someone from communicating with a person they wish to keep in contact with. It’s weird no? He said no we are friends and he has friends that he goes months without speaking to and that if I can’t just be friends with him he understands. I asked is it normal for someone to text a person every day and ask to hang out every week for a month and then just disappear? he did not answer and I wrote your silence speaks volumes. He wrote back well I asummed you knew I had a gf and becuase we were just becoming friends again I did not want to talk my ear off about her and yes its normal to stop talking when I haven’t been wanting to leave my house in a month. I asked to call him to discuss it and he did not answer. then I tried calling him the next day. No answer. So I sent a final text: I don’t understand why you refuse to talk to me now, but if I don’t hear back from you by today I’ll just assume that for whatever reason you no longer care to have me in your life. Please don’t text me out of the blue to see a movie again because I know it will only lead to you talking to me and asking to see ma again but that will inevitably lead to you cutting off contact with me for no real reason. I don’t know of any friends who treat their friends like that and I value myself too much to let anyone treat me that way.
I haven’t heard from him. It’s been exactly a month. The kicker ANNA AND HIM AREN’T OFFICIAL. I asked his close friend and someone I know straight up asked her and Anna responded we spend a lot of time together, we always have but she does not know what they are. They just enjoy each other;s company and for now thats it. I’ve been very active but I blocked him on snap (the only social media I post constantly on) because I did not want him seeing what Im up to when he rarely posts things. I saw that he deleted me off his videogame’s friendslist this week. Guess he figures I won’t be playing on his PS4 again…
Anyways I’ve been keeping really busy. Found my job contract has been extended to te summer (when it was supposed to end in January) so I’m happy about that. Things are going great for me…except with my ex. I know I should just move on but I can’t help thinking we will work out eventually. It’s not like he is stopping me from dating I just haven’t met a worthy guy…I don’t know what to do…do I reach out to him after many months? Do I only wait till I know he no longer sees Anna anymore??? What is going on with him and Anna anyways? She a rebound? It’s been over 7 months!
Layla
January 13, 2017 at 12:37 pm
How long should I keep being in NC and try to reach him somehow even though I’m most likely blocked?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 13, 2017 at 4:34 pm
at this point, I think you should do 6 months. if you’re still blocked by then, move on…
Layla
January 11, 2017 at 3:16 pm
I know it’s just easy to see that happened because as you know he liked a pic I posted last month and I just posted 1 or 2 more so I saw that his like was gone and checked….I just don’t understand why now and why get Anna to block me too? I think he thinks I’m doing something like last time when he accused me of driving by….but yes my goal is long NC. Its been 2 months since I last had a conversation about his poor behaviour (ghosting me when he was all about texting and seeing me) and in that convo he lied to me saying Anna was his gf when she is not…then last month he drunk called me but I didn’t answer but fb messaged him next day seeing what was up…now I’m worried I’m blocked on his cell too so I have no way to reach him if I want to later down the road…..how long should I keep remaining in nc? What do I do if I’m blocked everywhere?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 13, 2017 at 9:08 am
if they blocked you, the more probable reason is because they both think you’re chasing.. So, if it’s a long nc and if he sees and hears through mutual friends you’re moving on, he’ll probably unblock you..
Layla
January 11, 2017 at 5:39 am
It gets worse………..I snooped and see that Anna (whom I’m not friends with blocked me too…) all today I assume…
What gives? Clearly this does not look good for me….and I don’t know if it’s worth trying to contact him in a few months….it’s already been almost 2 months since I spoke with him (and well 1 month since he accidently dialed my number drunk and I texted him asking why he called the next day…) I don’t know what to do Amor 🙁
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 11, 2017 at 12:55 pm
if the goal is to do a very long nc..then whatever he does during it shouldn’t matter because you shouldn’t have been checking on him
Layla
January 11, 2017 at 4:48 am
So I saw that my ex blocked or deleted me off face book today….not sure how to take it….as you know I haven’t spoken to him since November….
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 11, 2017 at 12:53 pm
if the goal is to do a very long nc..then whatever he does during it shouldn’t matter because you shouldn’t have been checking on him
Layla
December 28, 2016 at 7:56 pm
Sorry Amor I forget if on my new comment I wrote today if I added: should I try re-add my ex on snap chat now and see if he accepts…. Or is it too soon/bad idea?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 30, 2016 at 7:11 am
it’s ok.. Yeah, it’s ok to add him back..if he doesn’t accept, so be it.
Layla
December 28, 2016 at 5:53 pm
How long should I remain NC and see what’s up with him & Anna? 5 months? I know that’s around his bday so it’s the perfect time to text out of the blue…and that’s around the time him & Anna have been doing whatever they’ve been doing for a year….
Also should I re-add him now on snap chat?
Layla
December 26, 2016 at 5:47 am
Hi Amor!
I know the problem is him. I don’t get what I did to be treated the way he has…lead me on twice since dumping me while having another girl in his life…and the second time I was very non chalant about it and played it cool….
Anyways 2 things. First you say I should build a rapport as friends in a few months if they aren’t official….but what do I do if they are official? Not bother? I ask only because maybe they are now? I don’t know I haven’t asked anyone but it’s the holidays and I’m sure they would establish something by now given it’s been 7 months…plus I know he went over to her place at night on Christmas Day…
Also more has happened since he saw me at theatre, snubbed me, & ignored my text…2 days later I get a call from him around 11 pm. I decline it. The next day I texted him: I noticed you called last night but I was with a friend and couldn’t talk. What’s up?. No reply….hours later I try to call him (figure I could given how he called me). It went straight to voicemail with no rings (so I’m thinking he blocked me…pretty sure that happens when ur blocked). I know his phone was not off because he was logged in on fb….
So then I started doubting he eve got any of my texts lately. But I can’t know for sure you know…so I decided to message him on fb: so was there a reason you called last night? He finally replied that it was an accident because he blacked out last night from his work Christmas party and must have called me while trying to reach his brother to crash at his place….
MY name is no where close to his bro…did he drunk dial me you think? Oh and just before I called him he liked a selfie I posted the day before on fb (and as you know I rarely post things on fb…and he hasn’t liked any of my pics in the past…) what the heck???
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 28, 2016 at 5:16 pm
For me you should move on if they are official or if the girl is still present.. If you still want to try, set a limit until when you’re going to try to rebuild attraction.. maybe he did drunk dial and he just doesn’t want to admit it
Layla
December 21, 2016 at 5:08 pm
Don’t worry I only asked his friend that one time when he told me. I backed off after lol! Well I ended up seeing him at the movie theater when I was waiting for my friend to arrive. He was leaving. I was hoping for a cordial greeting or something because he was passing me. But he put his head down and past me quickly. This bugged me because what you need to avoid me now? It’s been over a month….I ended up texting right after. I probably shouldn’t have but I wanted to test the waters. I simply wrote. I have to ask, was that you I just saw at the theater? he didnt reply and 15 mins later I wrote “sorry. I realize I sound like a creeper and I know if I got a message like that I’d be weirded out lol! But I swear I’m at the theater and could have sworn I saw you walk by. Anyways just want to clear the air that you don’t need to be a stranger.”
no reply :/. I don’t know I felt it was the perfect opportunity to reach out and I wanted to test the waters and I figured my second message was kind and broke the awkwardness and I figured only a dick wouldn’t reply to that. Well he didn’t, which has showed me his true colours. Was all that a big mistake?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 25, 2016 at 11:11 am
I agree with you.. Your texts was ok, the problem is with him..
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 21, 2016 at 6:07 am
Hi layla,
Cross the bridge when you get there.. You have to move on without fully moving on first because when you sent messages before even if he was not responding, that really looks like chasing.. So, you have months ahead.. we dont know if they will become official or not by then.. and stop asking his friend too, believe me that will reach him at some point that you kept asking about him.. If they are not offcial after months, then try to rebuild rapport again
Ash
December 15, 2016 at 5:13 am
This was a great podcast! My scenario is a bit different and I’m stuck on what to do next. My ex broke up with me out of the blue in May. In the summer we continued to date/text etc while he worked through his issues. (His depression came back) End of August I found out he’d been talking to several random girls and slept with at least 1 girl. I went NC for September. since then we are back to talking everyday and hanging out about once a week but we are not kissing/sleeping together etc. I think he may have started seeing a girl but he hasn’t said ANYTHING to me about it. How do I get him to go on a romantic date with me or movie it forward?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 15, 2016 at 12:07 pm
Hi Ash,
what do you do when you hang out? If you have built rapport, just invite him..make it a casual invite. Tell him let’s go watch this weekend!
Lilly
December 14, 2016 at 8:07 pm
Hello, my boyfriend told me he needed a break from me for a while because I had some traits that were getting on his nerves. He was stressed out about school and working full time and I was being goofy and trying to cheer him up, but instead I think I made him feel his feelings were irrelevant. We had only dated three months, but had a real strong connection, but he started pulling away when he started his classes for his MBA. When he asked for a break I went into immediate NC and waited three weeks. I messaged him yesterday and asked him if we could talk, but all he responded was “I don’t think you should have to change”. I asked him what he meant by that, but he hasn’t responded back. How do I get him to talk to me? I feel like this can be worked out, but only if we communicate.
Lilly
December 17, 2016 at 2:31 pm
Hey Amor, I didn’t mention in my first comment that he untagged himself in our facebook photos on day 9 of nc, day 10 he unfriended me, and day 15 he untagged himself in all the facebook posts that we were together. I wanted to reach out to him before he did all of this, but I felt like he was trying to get a reaction out of me, and the fact that he said he needed a break and he was really stressed (very type A personality), I felt it would be best to wait. There was nothing really wrong in the relationship, just a build up of things he didn’t tell me about until he blew up at me. This is also a man who met my family, helped me train my dog, fixed the belt on my car, and told me he had nightmares about me leaving him for another man. Why is it that sometimes guys can be so stubborn and stonewall you out of their lives? I ended up texting him that I felt like we were throwing something good away and that I wanted to fight for us, did that push him away further?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 20, 2016 at 11:10 pm
Not really.. but if he’s a Type A personality, that means you have to level up and be at par with his achievements to be able to really see you’ve changed.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 15, 2016 at 10:03 am
Hi Lilly,
if he doesn’t want to talk which was what you clearly want and you told him that.. then you can’t force him.. It’s clear he doesn’t want it now. So act like you understood him. Give him space but this time, don’t just wait. Be active. Act like you cant wait for him forever because you have your own life too.. Heal, improve, explore enjoy.. I think this time you need to do another 3 weeks or 30 days, if he’s still like that, it means he’s ghosting you, and that you have to move on..
Confused?
December 14, 2016 at 10:18 am
Hi,
Reading the comments section, I can’t help but notice almost 80% of people seem to have contact from their ex in the first days or early on in NC. I can’t help but feel somewhat jealous, considering my ex hasn’t reached out at all and tomorrow is day 21 of my 30 day NC. Does this mean NC isn’t working? I feel like the longer the time frame..the more hopeless. I am improving myself but I’m confused why other people have more luck with NC than I do? I mean I was with him nearly a year.
Confused
December 17, 2016 at 6:24 am
Thanks Amor, I don’t see how he can tell I’ve improved myself cos got me blocked on FB and I deleted his number. He’s still got mine as far as I know. It’s been over 23 days of NC and I’m beginning to feel I need to give up.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 20, 2016 at 1:34 pm
Your posts need to public..so, that even if he’s blocked, he would still see it if he checks it through a different account
Confused
December 15, 2016 at 8:16 pm
I implemented straight away NC. But during the break up he said he needed weeks/ months for himself, he’s facing uncertainty as to whether he will stay in the country and I said “you won’t contact me after weeks/ months” and he basically agreed with me. So now I’m thinking me giving him NC isn’t actually making him miss me, just giving him what he wanted in the first place. Especially since its day 23 of NC. He didn’t want to lead me on if he wasn’t gonna stay here in this country..so maybe he went back.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 16, 2016 at 8:34 pm
Well, he probably doesn’t expect you to move on and improve..and if space is really what he wants then you’re respecting his decision by doing nc and leveraging it by improving yourself..and a person wont miss you if you’re always present but the reason we also encourage initiating and building rapport after nc is to help him be reminded of the good times and to notice the new you but that’s also why it’s very important to change first because if you didn’t, he might think you’re chasing.
Confused
December 15, 2016 at 10:05 am
But aren’t the chances of getting him back after NC a lot less? Have you seen cases where after 30 days or more the ex reached out?
Thanks for your insight Amor!
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 15, 2016 at 12:19 pm
just 30 days after the break up, yes. There are a lot that get back together after completing straight 30 days, especially if they were able to do it right away.. But the more you do the no contact rule, the less the chances because you’re going to look like you’re just ignoring him to get him back and not really change..
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 14, 2016 at 9:27 pm
Hi Confused,
It’s not really luck. It’s more of about the situation. There are a lot that doesn’t hear from their exes too during and even after nc. It’s when they start to really move on, when the ex starts to contact them because the change becomes real but of course there are a lot too that really doesn’t progress and just continue to move on after nc.
Celeste
December 13, 2016 at 8:19 pm
I’ve been dating my ex for around 6 months now. We’re exclusive with each other but i’m getting quite a few mixed signals from him.
So he’s talking about marriage and children. Saying everyone he knows are having children, he’s getting old, that he’ll be there when we have children, and that he doesn’t want to spend the time to find someone else etc. He basically wants to settle down. He’s telling me how beatuiful and cute i am, and that he’ll miss me when i’m not there.
Then the next minute he’s completely different and treating me like a friend with benefits. Despite us being exclusive with each other, he refuses to call me his girlfriend (we’ve been exclusive for 5 months yet he won’t call me his girlfriend). We see each other every once every 2 weeks where i stay over at his place. He also tried teasing me about dating someone else. I was honest and told him it would seriously hurt if we broke up, and he quickly says there’s nothing to break because we’re not together?!
So I brought it up and he says that if things happen they happen. Then he tried hiding behind his work, saying he’s really busy (there’s always going to be work in our lives). So it’s now gotten to the point where i’ve told him that i’m not continuing to sleep with him until he figures out what he wants. I’ve made my choice but i won’t wait forever. He’s admitted he’s scared of things turning out like they did before, and we broke up and got back together multiple times but he won’t see that he’s pushing me away by acting like this.
I’m so confused. Do you have any insight on what’s going on with him? Any idea of what i should be doing?
Thanks!
Celeste
December 15, 2016 at 5:34 pm
Considering it’s been 5 months and he’s still not willing to commit to me, i think i only have one option if i truly respect myself. I deserve the respect and love that i’m willing to give. I deserve more than what he is currently offering me. Someone is ready to commit to me in return. Sometimes we just need that confirmation of what we knew all along! XD
Even though it looks like things aren’t going to work out between me and my ex, going through NC and having the time to truly find myself has been amazing. I’m stronger, and know that i’ll make it through this without becoming closed off or bitter. So i cannot thank you and the whole EBR team enough for your support, and advice 🙂 x
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 16, 2016 at 7:11 pm
I’m very happy you chose yourself.. Keep being like that because when you respect yourself,more people will respect you too
Celeste
December 15, 2016 at 2:01 am
Sorry if the email i used before doesn’t show up. I was having a few issues with the webpage accepting my comment. So i also tried again with another of my emails, I’m not sure which of my comments will show.
He’s only said that to me in private. He’s invited me out with a few of his friends who i knew while we were dating. But he’s very vague when they ask if we’re together again or not. He simply says that we’re trying to connect and has introduced me as his friend.
Even earlier on the phone he brought up that a girl he dated while we were apart. She didn’t want to see him because she didn’t feel any chemistry between them, so he felt better about a coworker saying they had good professional chemistry? Then he’s saying he dated her because she reminded him of me. That he has a type and i’m it.
He also reacted quite badly to me saying that i was going out with one of my male friends. We’re off for a hike and he’s saying things like ‘booo’ over the phone. I know that he’s a little jealous of the guy, but he tried to be competitive. Saying he needs to find himself a female friend to do things with? I reassured him that we were friends, and asked if he wanted to come along. But he refuses and mentioned again that we’re not boyfriend and girlfriend?
I can’t understand why one minute he’s acting like my boyfriend, and the next keeps insisting that we’re not a couple. Even the way he says it is blunt. Yet he doesn’t want me dating other men, and insists that he’s not dating any other women.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 15, 2016 at 10:52 am
Oh no.. You’re not exclusive.. That’s what he wants you to believe to keep you hooked but truth is you’re not..what’s your plan now?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 15, 2016 at 12:24 am
Hi Celeste,
did he tell publicly that you are exclusive or he just kept saying to you only?
Louise
December 13, 2016 at 7:14 pm
My ex boyfriend and I broke up nearly 8 weeks ago. It was all very out of the blue, we were supposed to move in together and he booked our anniversary the day before he broke up with me, he said it was the hardest thing he had to do as it’s the best we’ve ever been and he loves me / is in love with me. Anyway, we spoke every few days for about 6 weeks after, I kept trying to implement the no contact rule but he’d text me with something he needed from me, so I eventually said to him to come to get the rest of us stuff from my house so I could implement the NC rule properly ( I didn’t tell him that’s what I was trying to do). He stayed for about 30 minutes and it was quite heated and he was angry and said he never loved me etc which isn’t remotely true. Following this, I sent him one message saying I disagreed with what he said and I was moving on and wished him well, no reply. I was out on Thursday with a group of mutual friends, he wasn’t there but went to the meal after with all of his friends who were at the first event with me, some of them like to cause drama even though they are in their late 20s and that’s exactly what they did. Apparently they were talking about me and he was asking lots of questions. I saw his friends again after the meal when he had gone home and they kept trying to talk to me about it and I wasn’t really obliging. They did tell me that he was asking who I was with and talking to, and asked why I wanted to go to the meal (I didn’t – one of his friends stirring again saying that I was trying to go). Some of the nice friends said that from what he’s told them he couldn’t put a reason on why he broke up with me and he seems really confused (he’s 28 and I was his 1st girlfriend). Anyway, it had been nearly two weeks since I contacted him but I had to do so yesterday as the present I ordered for him before we broke up arrived at his office and he has the insurance documents for a holiday we were supposed to go on together that I need to try and get a refund for, so I tried to call him and left a voicemail. Heard nothing back so I text him asking if he got my voicemail and saying it would be greatly appreciated if he could update me on those things, he text this morning saying he’d emailed the stuff and returned the present and to ‘please never contact him anymore’. I’m not sure why he’s being so cold when I’ve only contacted him for one valid reason in the past two weeks. It’s confusing and I don’t understand why he’s so mad?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 13, 2016 at 10:44 pm
HI Louise,
Maybe because something about what he and his friends talked about. It’s ok to talk to him about his stuff during nc, as long as it’s only about the stuff. What’s more important is that you really improve. So, this time, focus in improving yourself.
Ashley
December 13, 2016 at 4:39 pm
I just want to say that I absolutely love this episode. I’ve noticed that the more I look into myself the more I’ve managed to decipher why I felt this ever growing need to cling onto my ex. With that, I’ve then been able to also try to deal with exactly why I had this extra clinginess. This just has just been one more push to help me step in the right direction, I’ve been trying so hard to learn to love myself, and it’s only after this breakup and after finding this website that I’ve really been able to take a step down that path. Thank you so much for everything you both do.
Also, just looked into getting that book at my local Chapters ;P
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 13, 2016 at 11:12 pm
Thank you Ashley! I’ll forward this to Chris so he can forward this to Christine as well 🙂