What To Expect When You Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

179 thoughts on “What To Expect When You Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back”

Roxana

March 4, 2014 at 1:48 pm

Hi Chris,

My boyfriend broke up with me three weeks ago from today. And I was a wreck. He told me he just couldn’t do it anymore and said he needed space and being the girl I am I begged for a couple of days. Then I left him alone. We are in a class together at our university and we are in the same friend group. So I have been using limiting contact. Sometime last week we sat down and I had closure with him. I told him that I thought it was a good idea to break up and it was a mature thing to do. He told me that he just wanted to be friends but at the same time would do anything for me? I thought that was odd. Because he isn’t really acting like a friend. I feel like he has this wall built up against me when I’m around.I have been making time for my friends and doing things for myself and I’ve been really happy. But at the same time I miss him and I want him back in my life. Oh an also he’s in the military and he leave for boot camp in two months I really want him back before this. But if not I want to try again in 6 months when he gets back! Please help
Thanks
Roxana
..

February 25, 2014 at 10:23 am

Hey! My ex boyfriend and i recently broke up about 4 months ago and for the past 2 months we have been seeing each other and acting all couply and he has been telling me he loves me and that he has fallen back in love for me so hard but he didn’t want to be in a relationship because he didnt want to get hurt. Last week he picked me up from a party and i was very drunk which i did not plan to be, but i convinced him into staying and talking to me after he dropped me home, after that we didn’t talk for a week. We spoke today and he said that he was going to get back together with me except on saturday after thinking about it he realised that he didn’t love me anymore and that he confused missing me with loving me, even though he had the i love you look on his face when he was with me and always talked about how he had such a good time. He said he can’t be in a relationship because he can’t love anyone right now.

What do i do… is it possible to confuse missing someone with loving someone after you have been seeing them again for two months? we were together for two and a bit years by the way/ do you have any insight into what he is thinking
Monica

February 18, 2014 at 7:00 pm

I think I’m in a fallout period of the worst kind. Sooo here’s a timeline:

2/14:
12pm: call ex, he’s cranky cause he’d been plowing all night and was trying to sleep. he wanted me to come over and nap w/ him but i was busy. we made a plan where i would finish getting myself ready for my weekend (i was going on a ski trip) and just let myself in after i’d finished.
2pm: he calls me and tells me that he has to postpone our plans because he had to go do a bunch of things & didn’t know when he’d be done (this was about 5 min before i was going to leave but he didn’t know that)
530pm: i call him one time, text him one time, because i wanted to know whether or not i was eating dinner with him or my fam. he ignores both.
715pm: i call him one more time, he ignores it, i decide to try to enjoy my valentine’s day by going out for my friend’s birthday. hear nothing from him.

the next day (2/15) at like 8am i text him in the morning to tell him how hurt i am, and he says “okay, have fun in PA. don’t do anything i wouldn’t do…” which was NOT the response i was expecting AT ALL. we proceed to argue because I’d had NO CLUE what I’d done because the last thing he’d told me was that he’d text me when we could hang out. i had to force why he was mad at me out of him. basically he thought i lied to him. the exact text was:

“I asked you have you been going out partying and you say no but i find out thats bs and i really didnt care about the trip until now that im not sure youre telling the truth about that. now have a nice weekend with your anonymous friends”
(he said anonymous friends because he’d asked if i knew who was going out of curiosity and i told him i wasn’t sure, i didn’t plan the trip, i was just invited so i didn’t know).

so then i spend some more time trying to prove to him that he can trust me, and he keeps saying he doesn’t care what i do and tells me to stop saying i love him becuase he doesn’t believe anything i say anymore. so then i leave it at saying that i’ve always been faithful to him and will continue to be and decided to give him a few days to cool off. later that day he put a facebook status up that said “i think people underestimate how far honesty goes in my book”.

i just now called him (2/18 at like 1:30pm) and he sent it to voicemail after three rings (which he has rarely EVER done). i sent him a text saying this:

“hey johnny, i wanted to give you a few days to cool off, but i see you’re still livid with me. i get it, but whenever you’re ready, give me a call. i really, really want to hear your perspective. you know i would never intentionally hurt you, and i think we’re having miscommunication. i’m sorry you’re upset with me, but again give me a call whenever. i love you so much <3" (ok, ok, i shouldn't have added the i love you part, but i did, so i had to tell you)

i'm just SOOOO freaking confused. with absolutely no warning we went from perfectly fine and working towards being official again to him just completely and utterly shutting me out.

what the hell should i do next?

admin

February 19, 2014 at 7:13 pm

Hmmm give him some time don’t rush it.
Monica

February 20, 2014 at 9:25 pm

Yeah, I totally get that, but like how long should I wait? A week and a half? Two weeks? A month, when I’ll be seeing him face-to-face again because the business we work at opens up again?

And how should I contact him?

I’m scared that I’m losing him really quickly now.

Nadz

February 7, 2014 at 10:53 am

Hey Chris,

My boyfriend and I dated for a year and then we broke up last December. We were such a happy couple but I accept that I kinda pressured him in to do things like getting a job and settling down. And the day we broke up, we had such an amazing day in a beach and a lovely dinner. And then i started pressuring him how i wanna get married and have kids before i turn into 28. Well he was alright with it but i still kept arguing and i said ” i don’t wanna spend my life with an immature guy like you and we should break up”.
He snap out and said yea i was right and we should break up. And then the break up was so messy since it wasn’t a planned one and i never saw it coming my way. I was so annoying to be honest and kept ringing him and crying n stuff.
And i did the NC rule for three weeks but then he removed me on his FB so i was so sad and angry because he never removed his other exes from his fb. And when i asked him why he said well of cause you meant something to me and i have my personal reasons to keep me off his fb. I was so angry and said lots of things i didn’t mean. But then again next day i sent a message apologising to him.
And now he has started messaging this girl (Maybe he is seeing her too) and I just can’t get my head around this.
I don’t know what to do. And we both are invited to a party which is in three weeks time. I don’t know how i would react if he takes this new girl with him. And i was his only serious relationship. His family my family and everyone was happy about us and for us. And he even said that he won’t be able to start a serious relationship anytime soon. But then again he already has started talking to this new girl??? I’m torn apart. Please do reply Chris 🙁
marsha

February 2, 2014 at 11:55 pm

hi chris. i play hard to get too much. And i hurt his feeling badly and he couldn’t take it anymore. he even said that our relationship has no meaning to him because i don’t apreciate him the way i should. he said, he’s quite sure that i don’t love him because he don’t feel that i love him. i love him, but i just making mistake you listed above by playing hard too much.

we broke up because we haven’t been in contact for 2months (im sure it’s only a month, he must be double it). i can’t dissagree with his opinion about me, because what is the meaning to have a girlfriend if he doesn’t feel like have one?

So in my case, how can no contact fix things wrong? it would make us having no contact for 3 months. And he may sure that i don’t love him.

he pissed off. So angry. And he don’t want to see me again in the future.

Can you write an article about what to do when a woman hurt the man’s ego or pride? And that he pissed off, he doesn’t want to see you again in his life. Or maybe what to do to fix “playing hard to get too much” in a relationship (i know it’s very wrong, i’m very sorry now)?

thank you

admin

February 3, 2014 at 6:00 pm

Ya… sometimes you can’t play hard to get too much b/c then nothing gets accomplished.

Janelle

January 28, 2014 at 3:19 am

Chris!
I don’t know why, but in my head, I exclaim your name. You, your page, has been a pretty big motivator and guide through this stage of my life.

My ex and I broke up on December 14, 2013. The day before his birthday. It was horribly excruciating for both of us. He told me to move out-yes, we lived together. I stayed in the condo for six days before I left.
In a few moments of weakness and defiance toward NC, I contacted him after the holidays and saw him.

It has been 17 days since I have accepted NC and feel that I am not losing my mind.
I love him. I know he loves me too.
What else do I do? I feel like just being me and doing the things that will help me grow as a woman are not enough for me. Being with him again is my ultimate goal. I know it will require work- I look forward to it.

I guess I don’t really know what I’m asking- just, what else, I guess…

Thanks!

admin

January 28, 2014 at 6:25 pm

Glad I could help motivate haha.

17 days is pretty good!
Janelle

February 1, 2014 at 7:54 am

That feeling where you want to escape… Yeah, I’m there.

This past night, I was out with friends. It so happens that it was the three week mark of NC. Guess who was standing in line in front of me. I didn’t even notice until he said hi that it was him- the ex, the one I love.

I noticed who he was with- a girl from his past…. He looked worried but instantly said “it’s not how it looks.” I thought I was about to die. He said let’s talk. We left and talked in his vehicle for hours. 4 hours actually. It was exhausting, calming, excruciating, friendly, familiar, unfamiliar, painful. I don’t know what the *(bad word!)* to think!!!!!!!

The one day that I was certain I would not run in to him! Why is life so confusing and why can’t I figure it out?!
Now, I’m thinking this is a sign- he’s mine- I will have him again. I don’t feel capable in coping with anything right now.

NC was broken- by GOD and the cosmos!!! I didn’t initiate and neither did he!!! Do I have to restart NC? Have I failed? Is this good or bad?

This is the most difficult phase in my life and I just need help.

Janelle

Dulce

January 26, 2014 at 4:52 pm

Hi! I am so glad I came across the exboyfriend recovery. Because I really needed this. So…. Me and ex have been friends since 8th grade. And we started dating in junior year and it lasted about 4 years. Four amazing years. So we broke up because I addressed him about just spending alone time just me and him one day. Because when we went out his friend was always there. ALWAYS. I have nothing against his friend I just like some alone time. So he breaks it off with me. We been broken up for 5 months. And I was that girl who would constantly send text messages the first two weeks. Then I just stopped because he was just not caring and was doing his own thing. Newyears came around and I kid you not I showed him no interest. And everyday I got texts from him. And I still showed him no interests. I was confused. So last week we hung out, and we had sex……… Yup I know. It was like make up sex. Pretty amazing. The next day he texted me saying he didn’t feel passion and that it’s shouldn’t have happened. He comes over Sunday. And we talked about what he said, and he just doesn’t wanna feel bad for doing it be because we’re not together. But after we talked he tried to do it again? That doesn’t make sense. So two agos I find out he has a girlfriend. He denies it. And I just told him I don’t care about him anymore and that I don’t wan a talk to him. And he says like he shouldn’t be explaining myself. The way I’m acting is just pushing him away and he rather not talk to me so he doesn’t have to go through with it. And it’s like does he care that I’m hurt ? Or like what? Mind you if I say anything about another guy he flip out. He says things to hurt me, he admit to it. I’m so sad i really am.

I did so much for him. Helped getting his GED. Stood by him in the hospital. And he just doesn’t care for me? I was his first love. First everything. When we were talking don’t get me wrong he would texts me how proud of he is of me… It’s just like what..

admin

January 27, 2014 at 7:09 pm

Go into NC.. I think that can be really effective for you.
Dulce

January 27, 2014 at 11:59 pm

It’s been two days since the NC rule. But I left off so bad I feel like he’s gone forever. I’m improving myself at the moment. Working going to school, losing weight (32 lbs so far!) and even taking vacation trips. I’m scared to lose him!

Leah

January 26, 2014 at 9:49 am

Hi Chris!

So my ex and I broke up 6 months ago (yeah quite sometime). After we broke up (I didn’t read this yet) we talked for about a month and then we had a month of no contact (kinda started by him). At day 35 I messaged him and we started chatting again. It was really slow and I got him to admit he misses me – but it wasn’t enough for him to ask me out to hang out / date. So I decided to bite the bullet and asked him to grab Starbucks. He said yes but it never happened due to our busy schedule. But we kept talking. In Dec he asked me if I would like to go with him to the new aquarium that opened up in town and to recreate things how they used to be in “old times”. I was leaving to go on vacation and agreed we would go after the holidays. during the holidays I kinda maintained minimum contact/ didn’t respond to him/responded in not an encouraging way to him cause I was getting second thoughts but I was excited to go to the aquarium. However when I returned our texts started to fizzle out (I have a feeling cause I leave him hanging during our texts to much? I don’t reply or when I do he doesn’t respond for a couple of days. In starting to feel like nothing’s ever gonna happen anymore, but I still have a little of hope? Like he did ask to go to the aquarium and he actually made the imitative to call before the holidays ( and he didn’t like calling when we were tgt – he only called when it was urgent). Anyways, I haven’t replied to his texts yet – should I implement a second, but shorter NC period? What can I do to help retire the hypothetical ball that has been dropped since I left for vacation during the holidays? And how should I break the NC period the second time – by responding to his last text or use the same technique as before ? Hahaha I’ve been using your advice on this website since our break up and I do sometimes see the progress but due to my work schedule it’s hard to consistently work on it.

admin

January 27, 2014 at 7:05 pm

So, are you saying you just don’t have time to focus on it?
leah

January 28, 2014 at 8:02 am

no, its not that i do not have time to focus on it, but from now until march its busy at work so i’m not consistently in town or in the country so it’s difficult to maintain consistent contact without me generating a huge telephone/internet bill from roaming charges. i’ve been working really hard to slowly work my way up into meeting with him, talking with him (but not too often – don’t want to seem too available as you outlined in your guides and not too much such that it leaves him wanting more). but considering our relationship lasted 9 months and we broke up a little over 6 months now, i’m worried he’s gonna move on, but i understand patience is key. as such i was just wondering if you would recommend a second NC period or if you have any advice on maintaining interest despite the fact our connection (from what i built up since we broke up) decreased as I was out of town to see my family for the holidays.
Leah

January 26, 2014 at 9:51 am

Oh I forget to mention – we never did go to the aquarium since I figured he would bring it up if he was truly interested in going with me after the holidays but he never mentioned it.

anonymous

January 26, 2014 at 12:44 am

Is it possible for you to write a guide on how to stop your ex from running hot and cold and how to get him to commit to you?

admin

January 27, 2014 at 7:00 pm

I just wrote that guide hahaha its the latest one!

Leah

January 25, 2014 at 9:52 pm

Hi Chris,

I did 35 days NC, and my ex ignored my text. 🙁 he dumped me, prior to that we never had so much as one argument. Why is he refusing to even be civil? I am just unable to comprehend it.
Naina

January 25, 2014 at 7:09 pm

Hey Chris,

So I was thinking the other day a lot about my past relationships and I saw how a pattern in my life was jealousy. I like to think I am a strong-minded woman who has a lot of good qualities in herself. I stay in shape, eat well and sleep well, I have my stuff together basically. I am accomplishing stuff in life too, so I don’t have as many insecurities in myself as much as my now exes cause them for me in the little things they did and said. I am positive that 80% of my insecurities stem from this passive aggressive behavior of my exes. All my exes were aggressive about trying to make me jealous. They flaunt that they can get any other girl they want when I had feelings for them. Can you possibly do a post on why men feel the need to bring women down a notch and how to deal with that? It could be very helpful to those who have dealt with an ex who made them feel this way and they probably reacted like a text gnat to check up on their man to make sure they weren’t messing around with other women. I feel like a lot of women in general deal with passive aggressive men in their lives who find the need to tell their partners that they are just an option and not the one, which probably fuels a lot of anger and jealousy and so called “craziness” in relationships. I never really participated in that nor ever felt the need to bring the men in my life down a notch because obviously I care about them, so why would I want them to feel like they aren’t important? But I can honestly say, every guy in my life felt the need to do it, and when I don’t react, they take it a step further. Then when I finally react, it’s like World War 3. If you can write a post on something along these lines, it would be great insight. I am not sure how you can frame it to meet the ex boyfriend recovery theme you have going on here, but I truly see it in so many women a day who deal with men like this and it’s really sad. A lot of my close friends at one point lost the light in them because how damaging a guy was to their self respect and happiness.

Thank you for being you and doing everything you do. I feel like a lot of women need a friend in their life like you.

HotLilTeacher

April 29, 2014 at 6:43 am

Welp, I got him back a month ago. things were good, or so I thought. He was so attentive. We were having fun again. We went to an event seperately but saw each other there. We talked about our relationship. it was a good conversation. Then, we come back home and tells me 4 days later, after no contact, that he met someone. What? When? Last Saturday. I was THERE Saturday.

He is now pursuing her, he wasn’t feeling what he was hoping he would feel with me when we got back together, and he felt something with her.

I give up. We had just spent a weekend flirting, and having fun. And then this. What happened? Was he faking it the whole time? He made it seem like we were so good and on the right path. He even told me how important I was to him and how he was glad we were taking it slow. That he was scared, even if he doesn’t show it. Now he tells me he didn’t expect to meet someone but he did and he feels strongly about it.

I guess he was stringing me along? He is now pursuing her. Any insight? I have to accept this and move on. I am crushed and sad and confused. And I don’t think I could ever take him back, not that he would come back. but maybe I can just learn something.

Annie

January 24, 2014 at 1:32 pm

Hi Chris,

Thanks for all of your guides here and your E-book 😉

I have read most of them and it helps me to understand men more. Just sometimes I’m confused. Cause we’re women tend to be emotional, I know it’s good to control and keep calm.

But sometimes I just want to be myself, I’m tired of playing with emotion to the guys. Even though I know the fact that you guys like chasing. But it’s really tiring, don’t you think so?

Should we, women have to keep playing like that for the rest of the life to have guy’s intention?

(just my thoughts, not mean to offend you :P)

Thanks Chris

admin

January 24, 2014 at 6:21 pm

I hear you.

Eventually the games will stop. That is ideally how things are supposed to go. However, some games are necessary.

Anonymous

January 23, 2014 at 8:47 pm

Your guides just keep getting better and better!

Can I make a suggestion for some new material? Looking around the comments..and thinking of my own situation.. maybe a guide on what to do if an ex comes back to you only looking for a hook up or a friends with benefit situation?

admin

January 24, 2014 at 5:23 am

YESSSSSS! That is a good idea. That is going on my list of to-dos!

Terry

January 23, 2014 at 12:40 am

Hi Chris, I need some advice. My ex and I broke up 4 months ago. He dumped me because he doesn’t think he needs to inform me of his whereabouts at all times yet he wanted this info from me. Immediately after he started calling and taking me to lunch everyday. Since I didn’t want to be away from him I obliged. I asked him what this meant and he said he is confused. This continued for 2 months without him saying he wanted us to get back together. So I found someone to distract me. When he found out he completely freaked out and since then things changed between us.
He then started going to lunch with my coworker secretly and when I asked him about it he said they were just friends. Anyhow my jealousy took over and things got worst. He still called me everyday but just to ask how I was doing that’s it. I finally got fed up and told him not to contact me anymore. This is day 4 do you think NC can work for us? Another big prob we had was he puts his friends over me every time even though I told him he has to learn to balance the two.

admin

January 24, 2014 at 4:49 am

I do think it can work for you.
Terry

January 24, 2014 at 5:26 am

Thanks for the response. Given that I didn’t immediately enter into no contact after the break up, how long do you suggest I keep up the no contact. Yesterday was my birthday and he texted to say happy birthday. I wasn’t sure what to do so I said thanks. Do I have to restart my no contact or does that not count?
Terry

January 23, 2014 at 1:08 am

Didn’t mention we were together for 5 years

Martha

January 22, 2014 at 5:52 pm

Hey Chris,

I just wanted to tell you that your site helped me a lot to get my boyfriend back-thanks for that.

But now that we’re back together (4 weeks now), problems have come again. At the beginning we had this “mini Honeymoon period” I dare to say, it really was awesome. But as we lead a Long Distance Relationship in different countries, I had to return home 1,5 weeks ago. Since then, he has barely texted me. We settled to skype twice per week, which I’m totally OK with, but during the other days he doesn’t really write a lot and I often feel ignored (he writes like two or three times a day). He also isn’t really happy with his life right now, and says it’s not my fault that he doesn’t communicates a lot, and that he wants to change this, but so far he didn’t really do it.

Any advice on how to behave towards him? Or do I just overreact and should settle with what I get?

admin

January 24, 2014 at 4:34 am

I think you should approach him very calmly and try to get him to communicate better.

Relationships can’t survive without two things.

Sex and communication.
Martha

January 24, 2014 at 10:56 am

What do you mean with “very calmly”? Because we already talked a lot about it, without fighting, and he always promised to change it, but it hasn’t really improved (yet).

And concerning the sex, that’s generally rather difficult in LDRs and I don’t really know how to pull it off via skype. I’m afraid he won’t like it and I don’t want to ridicule/embarrass myself…

Linda

January 22, 2014 at 5:28 pm

Thank you for these helpful posts! It’s great to have a guy’s perspective.

My fiancé and I have been together 3 1/2 years. We dated for a year and he chased me and begged me to be exclusive with him. He asked to date me, he said I love you first, he asked to be exclusive, and in 2012 he proposed. I waited until engagement to be intimate cause I didn’t want my heart broken again.

He works out of town 5 days a week so we see each other every Saturday. He’s done A LOT for me–he does repairs around the my house, he’s helped me with my animal rescue, he buys me whatever I want (and he’s not a rich man), he helped pay for my M.A. classes, he wants to take care of me when I’m sick, he helps my family, I could go on and on. He’s been my consistent “Steady Eddie” and we love each other very much.

Last year was tough cause I was getting frustrated about him pushing back the wedding date over and over. We argued. He said I nagged him. The distance was hard. I wanted him to get a job here in town so we could build a life together. I was ready to put in a job transfer for a less stressful, slightly less hours, less pay so I could spend more time with him. That scared him cause it meant more financial responsibility for him, so I cancelled the transfer.

Around November/December he started changing. He’d hang up the phone on me when I was upset at him. He backed out on a trip we planned cause it was his brothers birthday (much older brother!) He tried breaking up with me a couple of times saying our relationship was toxic. I calmed him down. He set up a civil wedding for after New Years. The day before the wedding, he was gone all day, never came over, we argued, he broke up with me again, I tried to calm him down and he asked me to leave his house. Then he started calling and texting and showing up at my house. He said he wanted the engagement ring back. I ignored him for a week I was so upset. He wouldn’t stop calling and texting. He finally got a hold of me, and I calmed him down, asked him if he loved and missed me and wanted to start over from day one, and he said yes.

He set up some wonderful, romantic dates. He’s arranged several romantic getaways for us. He texts me good morning every day, and calls me after work every day. Meanwhile I find out that he has several on-line dating profiles posted on different sites! I was crushed. I didn’t say anything to him cause I wanted him to admit it. I pressed him hard each date asking if he was cheating on me, if he was out there looking, if I should let him go, if we should take a break, if we should date others, and he kept saying NO! I WANT YOU! I LOVE YOU! He told me he planned on marrying me this year. He’s always told me I’m his soul mate, the only woman for him, the love of his life, etc. Last weekend he took me on a very romantic date. I couldn’t hold it in anymore and told him I knew about his dating personal ads. It was eating me up inside. He had actually sent a message to a friend of mine on one of the dating sites, that’s how I knew! He admitted to it, apologized a million times. He said he posted the ads around the time that he was losing feelings for me and wanted to see what was out there. The next day he deleted the ads.

We aren’t officially broken up. I called his bluff last Sunday and told him I wanted to go wedding ring shopping and he agreed to it, that we were ready. When I showed up at his house, I told him I was hasty and I’d rather it be his decision. When we’re together, he’s all over me. My mom says he acts like a lovesick puppy. When we go out, strangers approach us and tell us we are the cutest couple and that he’s crazy about me. I give him space, I don’t chase him, Im very lady like around him and let him be the man (not is a Stepford Wife kinda way. LOL), I make it a point of praising him for things he does right, I dress like a feminine Goddess!!, I have my own interesting life full of passions, hobbies, friends!! What more does this guy want?!

I found out another thing. He joined a dozen singles and speed dating groups in the city where he works. I have a lot of friends there and she saw his name and picture in the group and told me about it. He joined them several weeks ago and I don’t know if he’s doing anything with them, or just seeing if the grass is greener on the other side? He’s gone all week, so I have no idea what he’s doing, if he’s seeing anyone, and that scares me. He still calls me his future wife, that I’m The One, that he’d do anything for me, he loves my qualities, he thinks I’m gorgeous. He wants to marry me this year. We’ve been getting along GREAT since we had several long talks over what we needed in the relationship. But I have to wonder if he’s messing around on the side? I’ve asked him and he always says no. My biggest fear is he’s looking for someone to REPLACE me. I don’t want to be dumped again! Just yesterday on the phone he asked me to email him a wish list of jewelry that I wanted. He’s arranged a fantastic Valentines Day too at my favorite restaurant out of town.

I don’t know if I should pull back, trust him, break up with him? I’ve already tried confrontation and really don’t wanna do that anymore. Is he getting cold feet? Is he just wanting to date up a storm and sow his oats before he gets married?! Any advice?

G

February 2, 2014 at 2:45 am

From a completely unbiased outside perspective – and I’m saying this to enlighten you – not to hurt you: he doesn’t want to settle down with you right now. It seems like he knew what he was feeling the first time he broke up with you and you kind if coerced him into getting back together with you, but when you’re not around he’s seeing what his options are. Maybe he does this because it easier for him to appease you then it is to be broken up with you. I think you really love him, and he loves you but you’re acting completely out of fear. You would benefit to take a step back and realize that as amazing as he is you will be okay if the two of you break up forever. You have your own life, and I know you want him in it, but don’t let the fear of not having him in dictate your relationship. Relationships are not about control. If you ask him enough times he will say that he loves you, but relationships are not about having to constantly reassure your partner about insecurities. I think that you would both benefit if you would really focus on loving yourself again. Release your tight grip on the relationship, and relax. Do things with friends. Enjoy yourself. Then you will a) become more attractive to him b) be more logical and less fear driven over him. Also, it makes me sad that you have to ‘act’ around him like a Stepford wife. It makes me wonder if you’re doing that to trick him into thinking that you’re so wonderful, and hope it works long enough to get him to marry you, but as soon as your married you’re going to either have to keep up the act for the rest of your life, and never truly be yourself, or he’s going to be disappointed when he realizes that’s not who you are, and things will unravel quickly. I’m struggling with this myself, but please remember that just because you’ve been with someone a really long time does not mean you have to be with them forever. I know that thought of meeting new people and starting over with someone else seems like a hassle, but its not the worst thing that could happen. In fact it could actually be very goo. Anyways, the bottom line: don’t be lead by fear, love yourself first, don’t try to change or control him. Good luck!
Linda

January 26, 2014 at 7:17 pm

Hi Chris. I read all of your articles. My guy and I have been spending wonderful times together! He is becoming intrigued again and I’m giving him lots of space and compliments/admiration. He’s even said our relationship has turned around and is going great.

Wondering if you’d take some time and comment on my situation please? I don’t know if I should assume we’re “together” again and resume the intimacy? Or should I make him work a little harder, like he said he wanted (to “work for my love, care, and respect”)? He’s arranging these fantastic dates and trips and telling me how much he loves me and wants to be with me forever. What do you think??
admin

January 27, 2014 at 7:11 pm

You aren’t together until you both have that talk..

I think it is ok to escalate things a bit but don’t go too far. Always leave him wanting more.

Liz

January 22, 2014 at 3:10 am

After 35 days of no contact, he contacted me to return my things. I met up with him and at first it was just proper and we were going to leave it at that until we hugged. It was a long hug and I went for it and asked him all the questions I was holding back. We talked, I told him my side of the story, I told him all I learned and how I’ve grown and how I feel better about myself and basically that I’m over the hurt and he cried. I never shed a single tear, I felt empowered and confident and strong and happy to get my closure but he cried. Eventually we were laughing, talking, catching up, making jokes and just happy and relieved. He asked to see me for lunch and I agreed. I have reason to believe that maybe he is involved with another girl but I still want to try for it, even if he friend zones me. What I want to know is, what do you do if you’re in a situation where you’re willing to forgive and forget and move on to a better relationship with your ex but your family and friends want you to hate him and move on? What do you do when no one backs you up? Our relationship was never bad, the problem was my jealousy, insecurity and the really bad fights due to these issues. He treated me wonderfully but the breakup was what was really really bad and that’s what everyone is judging him on. Do you have any advice for that? On what to do when your loved ones don’t support your decision to try to reconcile with your ex?
anonymous

January 22, 2014 at 2:57 am

I wonder if say, the ex girlfriend pursues and chases her ex boyfriend after nc, to the point where he friendzones her or maybe acts cold towards her if she’s trying too hard. Can she redeem herself? By doing nc again will it work? Will her ex boyfriend start to regret it if she did nc on him again? Or what is going through the male’s mind?

admin

January 22, 2014 at 5:58 pm

I think she can but a drastic change has to be made. And obviously there is no 100% success rate.
anonymous

January 22, 2014 at 3:32 pm

And if doing nc again is the only solution, how long should it be for? Till he misses her or that he may want her back (though she was coming on too strong the first time)

Honestly i did really well for the first mth after nc. His replies were positive. Coming the 2nd and nw 3rd mth, he made it clear there’s no more hope. Which i admit, i’m at fault for wanting too much too soon 🙁

Monica

January 21, 2014 at 1:32 am

Chris. I just want to give up. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. My NC is done in just a few days and I have good reason to believe that he is hanging out with someone he formerly “hated” because of me. Now, quick backstory:

One of his friends seemed to be putting moves on me when the ex and I were in a rough spot (his friend was in a VERY rough and dramatic spot with his girlfriend of a long time then as well). I told my ex because at the time it didn’t seem to me like he was hitting on me, it seemed like his friend was talking trash about him behind his back. Well, hindsight is 20/20 and my ex knew this kid was making his move trying to make him look bad, pointed it out to me (and got moderately pissed at my ignorance in the process) and we both cut off contact with the kid. Like straight up, I ignored every. single. text. from him after that, because I didn’t want my ex thinking I was trying to sneak around behind him or something.

(Super-back-behind-story: Ex’s friend has had a pretty traumatic life. His parents were murdered when he was very young and struggles with serious PSTD as he was a combat medic for the Navy, BUT he is still extremely strong-willed. He has a very, very close knit group of friend’s he calls family, and he’s VERY exclusive with this group. Ex and I were in said “family” until we fell off his social sphere.)

So back to reality, I think my ex is hanging out with this kid again, which is making me panic because I don’t know what to do… I never told my ex’s friend why I stopped talking to him, and he didn’t really seem to notice that my ex stopped talking to him, so the fact that they picked back up isn’t surprising. If me and the ex do end up getting back together, I’m assuming I’m going to have to do something about this situation? I can’t tell my ex not to hang out with him because I don’t think that’s fair, but I can’t explain to my ex’s friend why I stopped talking to him because that would just cause completely unnecessary drama…

What is your take on this situation? I’m just… I’m in knots about this and holy hell do I need your insight.

Thanks :/

admin

January 21, 2014 at 6:01 pm

This person he is hanging out with are they romantic in any way?
Monica

January 21, 2014 at 7:30 pm

No no no! haha oh wow I must’ve done a terrible job explaining. Let’s see if I can do better with bullet points haha.

– Ex and I had a friend
– Friend talked bad about Ex behind his back to me
– I told Ex
– Ex said Friend was hitting on me (which, now that I look back, yeah, he was and I was blind to it)
– Ex and I both stopped talking to Friend without any explanation
– Friend would text me from time to time, I never answered, he eventually got the hint and now I’m probably on his blacklist
– Now, I think Ex and Friend are friends again
– If I get back together with Ex, I don’t exactly know what I’m supposed to do… I know it’s a situation that I’m going to have to take care of, and I can’t necessarily brush under the rug. I could tell Friend why I stopped being friends with him (because Ex didn’t want me to and I agreed that it was a good idea), or I could talk to Ex about situation. Both of them are probably not going to end very pretty though.
– I’m leaning towards more talking to Ex about the situation? But making the focus more on “I need your advice” rather than “Well gee, I’m in a shitty spot”

So my two questions are:
1) What is your opinion on how I handle it in that would the “I need your advice” approach be best?
2) Or does the fact that someone he’s friends again with someone he hated so much while we were dating (again, because he was hitting on me) mean that he doesn’t really care about me anymore?

I hope this makes more sense! Again, sorry haha.
Monica

January 21, 2014 at 2:09 am

Or, does it mean that he’s moved on and doesn’t care about me anymore?

lizzy

January 20, 2014 at 7:21 pm

Chris let me tell u, this site is amazing. I appreciate how you take the time to elaborate on each point. That you say you care for us was just so sweet and it shows!

I am in the process of getting my ex back thanks to you. Now I have HIM chasing me. He is alrwady planning dates with me.

Thank you so much!!

admin

January 21, 2014 at 5:55 pm

You are so welcome!

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