What Your Ex Boyfriend Says Vs. What He Actually Meant- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

154 thoughts on “What Your Ex Boyfriend Says Vs. What He Actually Meant (Video)”

Amanda

January 18, 2016 at 5:30 am

Thanks for the reply…He ended up cancelling the pick up today of his stuff. I believe since I have not contacted him and blocked him he was just trying to find some way to get me to communicate with him. Don’t think he really wanted his stuff back. I know he will want to play this game with me and use his stuff whenever he is feeling lonely as an excuse to call… and unfortunately there are two things he wants that I cannot mail to him. So, when he txted he wasn’t coming because he was having friends over (Something he never does) and didn’t make arrangements for another day/time.. I just said, No Problem thanks for letting me know. My question is that I unblocked him so he could text when he was coming today and now I’ve blocked him again. Is that ok? I don’t really know if I want him back, but I do know that communication with him just causes this kind of grief and I know that with previous girlfriends he has purposely led them on just to see them think they were getting back together and I don’t want to get stuck in that pattern with him. With this No Contact thing…is it ok to just truly ignore his requests for awhile seeing as he did have a chance to get it and didn’t come. I really don’t think I would be in a good place to see him any time soon.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 18, 2016 at 8:42 am

Hi Amanda,
Yes it’s okay. specially if it makes you feel better

Lana

January 17, 2016 at 8:36 pm

Hello, I am in a real pickle with my ex. We were together for over 6 years and we haven’t been together for exactly 6 months now and during this time for the majority of it, I’ve been in NC as he broke up with me. If there has been contact, he’s initiated it with funny pics, inside jokes and general talk that would last only for a few messages. This was on and off until around 3 months ago I had a weak moment and asked him if we would ever patch things up. He said no to this and said we would not be getting back together, so I accepted that and went into strict NC for 2 months. Heard nothing from him for 2 months until he messaged me saying “I haven’t missed anything as much as I miss you right now. I’m sorry.” I didn’t reply to this as I was in complete shock and honestly had no idea on what to say to him.

Ten days later, I had changed my WhatsApp picture to a (smoking hot) new photo of me with a new haircut. He messaged me saying “You know you look better without the fringe.” This shocked me a little. I said “You seem to be the only person who thinks that.” This broke my NC. We had a small chat, he was saying how I should get my hair cut short etc. He was never controlling in our relationship, but he always used to suggest I got a short bob haircut – which I never did. He also sent a photo of him in Paris, I think this was him subtly bragging to me, but I actually didn’t respond to that, instead I said “You look like your dad there.” Completely not responding to the fact he has gone away to Paris. I don’t know how this conversation went to be honest, it seems pretty lack lustre, and I think I acted a bit aloof, but was a little friendly towards the end of the conversation.

Anyway, since then, 11 days ago, he sent me a photo which was a direct inside joke that we shared from when we first started dating 6 years ago. I responded to it by saying the inside joke as well and there was no reply. We haven’t spoken since.

I’m sorry about the long message, but I am confused by his behaviour and his somewhat conflicting messages to me. He misses me, then he tells me how I should do my hair how he would like it (he’s not a controlling person, he was never ever controlling in our relationship), and he’s sending me inside jokes with a lot of nostalgia.

I really don’t know what to do, I would absolutely love another chance with him, but I just don’t know what to say or how to tackle this situation. I really don’t feel confident as I don’t want to feel rejected, as it has taken me this long to feel okay and better about myself. Also during these 6 months, a lot of change has happened with me, physically and mentally. I am back at university, with loads of new friends and things are looking up for my career. But through all this, I still want to be with him and I know this for sure. Might sound so cheesy, but this time apart has made me realise how much I love him and want to be with him.

Please help.

Lana

January 18, 2016 at 11:52 pm

Thank you so much for your reply again, that’s very insightful. On my end, I’ve had a lot going on with starting my new career path etc. I’ve made a lot of new friends and it’s all been good changes in my life, I have definitely gained a lot of self confidence on my own, but I still want him in my life as my partner, this time apart has made me realise that. I have no idea what’s been going on with him, I only know he’s moved to another town with his family and is doing well at his job. Agh it’s all really making me anxious and I don’t know what I can do about it.
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 19, 2016 at 5:30 am

Just go through with your feelings right now. Because the more you avoid it, the more it will hurt.
Lana

January 18, 2016 at 8:01 pm

I have been pretty much in NC for a solid 2 months, but even before that, communication was next to nothing. I’m feeling super unconfident about my chances to getting back with him, I feel very hopeless and pretty nervous about contacting him. I know it’s super lame, but I don’t want to get hurt. Any other words of wisdom would really be appreciated. Thanks in advance, Amor.
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 18, 2016 at 9:43 pm

hmmm for me, it’s better if you build your confidence from within. whether he comes back or not, at least you’re happy. And besides if you weren’t talking much before maybe because you having much happening in each other’s lives.
Lana

January 18, 2016 at 7:05 pm

Hi Amor, thanks for your reply. Do you think I should stay in NC with him or start texting him? I don’t know what to text him, maybe some inside jokes, but then I don’t want him to think I’m chasing him or anything. I just don’t know what he’s feeling as his texts have been pretty contradictory since we broke up.
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 18, 2016 at 7:30 pm

welcome lana!
finish Nc as much as you can. Here’s a post that can help you with texting. Texting An Ex Boyfriend (The New Rules)
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 18, 2016 at 11:36 am

hi lana,
why not just continue texting with him without opening up anything about your relationship status. Just enjoy and see where it goes.

Lisa

January 17, 2016 at 1:25 am

Hi Chris,

Im not very tech savvy. I tried to comment on your other articles but didn’t seem to have success. Anyways, my ex bf (we were together a year always in a LDR) fell silent and kinda angry about 2 months ago. For the first month I asked him everyday what was wrong to the point where I became a gnat and we argued. He has always been very open and honest so i grew concerned when he shut down. I asked him if he needed space, if he was having second thoughts about me, if he was having problems at work, if there was someone else or was the distance taking a toll and he wanted to see other people. I asked ever possible scenario yet he would just respond “i don’t want to talk.” He stopped calling/ texting but would always reply to my text or answer or call me back. Finally, after a month or arguing he asked for space and I said ok. In his defense i never gave him the space. I kept asking him whats wrong but he grew more frustrated. During the last month I tried the NC rule but I only last 10 days and called. He answered and was nice. After small talk and seeing he was in a good mood I asked him what was bothering him a he immediately grew angry and barked “leave it alone”. That started another cycle of daily arguing. After a few more weeks he stated “I can’t do this anymore, move on.” I told him I could respect he wishes but was just curious as to what happened. I again explained, if it was the distance, or if he met someone else or even fell out of love with me he didn’t have to spare my feelings and I would understand but I would just like to know what happened. He yelled “I don’t owe you any explanation. I don’t have to tell you anything and you can’t make me talk if I don’t want to” Annoyed I told him he was acting like an 8 year old and not a 36 year old man. He told me to leave him alone and not to call or text anymore “today”. Glutton for punishment I again became a gnat. He told me he didn’t want to fix anything or be friends and I explained that I understood and wasn’t trying to push for either. I told him i just wanted to know why he became silent and angry suddenly. I wasn’t looking for a long drawn out convo about it I just wanted to know why so i could have closure and I’d stay out his life is that’s what he wanted. Again he told me he wasn’t answering. Im very frustrated. I’ll be honest. I really am in love with him and want to work it out but could respect his feelings of not wanting to work it out. I just want to know what is the source of his rage and why he can’t just be honest with me whatever the reason is. Oh and after two months of him being mean and the arguing and telling me to move on he told me that if I ever decided to move over there call him if I ever need anything. Im just confused and lost.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 17, 2016 at 2:19 am

Hi Lisa,

I know it’s hard to go over the the no contact period but congratulations on making it in ten days. Have you noticed how he got better in talking with you after that? I know it’s confusing why he wouldn’t just say his reasons but sometimes a person needs space because he himself needs to sort out what he really feels and rest from all of the negativity. Like a detox. Maybe it’s not that he won’t say it. It’s just that he really needs time.

Mj

January 16, 2016 at 10:01 am

My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday. We’ve been having lots of problems. He said that it’s him and not me with a little variation like he said that the problem is with him, there was no one else involved and that I was great (but my mental state was already foggy by this part that I’m not quite sure). He also said to not contact him anymore.

I don’t know what to do. I’m scared. I want to work this relationship with him because I believe in what we have or had. I want him back but I’m really sure that whatever I do right now might just push him away. What do I need to do please?
Amanda

January 15, 2016 at 3:15 pm

Chris, I just ran across this website…been sharing it with my friends and we are all really impressed with what you post on here. I have a question that I could use your advice on and perhaps it could be a good blog post for you…(Didn’t see anything about it on here) My ex and I broke up 3 weeks ago after a HUGE fight where he said some horrible things…(I kept my calm mostly) and after needing to contact him a couple days later regarding a gift card for his son that he had left with me (Which, yeah, I shouldn’t have, but I did) Immediately after that started the NC rule. (In this exchange he did say he felt really bad about how we broke up and that I was the closest thing to a match he’d ever had. But I could tell he was still very angry and I knew we needed some time apart to process what had happened. I did block him from my phone and The next week he had his son contact me again about picking up his stuff. I was out of town for work and said I would get in touch when I got back…realized later that the ex had called and left a voicemail too(if someone is blocked you don’t see that they called, so I hadn’t noticed the voicemail) He said he figured he was blocked and he wanted to make arrangements to get his stuff back. I txted him when I returned from my work trip and said Hope he’s well and when does he want to get his things. He wanted to come the next day ( He lives over an hour away) but I couldn’t that day and we are planning on doing this Sunday. So, here’s my question…what do you do regarding the exchange of belongings? Do you leave them somewhere for them to get, do you talk to them when they are here? Do you just act normal, as if you didn’t just break up a few weeks ago? What if he brings up the relationship or the fight. OR what if he just grabs his stuff and goes? (PS, he has some socks and tshirts here…nothing I would consider worth an hour drive) I’d love to hear your thoughts on this seeing as during the no contact time, returning their belongings is the only time you should reply to them. I just don’t see any advice on here about how to handle the actual return of items. It’s too early in the no contact for me to think about even discussing our relationship. I still need time but I don’t want to appear mean. Help. if you can!

Jennifer Seiter

January 16, 2016 at 9:28 pm

Hi Amanda, Thanks for all the support and sharing with your friends. That is wonderful. I am helping Chris out with some of the comments because it has been overwhelming. There’s about 1500 today.

When you exchange the items just be quick and pleasant. Don’t act angry or anything like that. Avoid talking about the breakup, that will only lead to fighting. If he wants to go back out with you and says sorry that is fine but other than that keep it short and sweet. 🙂

HELP

January 12, 2016 at 10:38 pm

Hi Chris,
First off, thank you for your posts. Your words have helped me a lot after the break with my ex. But, there are some questions I have regarding the current situation between my ex and I and I am seeking some wise advice from you. So to give you a bit of a background, my ex and I dated for about 10 months and broke up mutually last week because of minor infidelity issues on his behalf.. I say ‘mutually’ because I wasn’t an angel in our relationship either. I’ve had insecurity issues throughout our relationship and pushed him away to the edge of the cliff. On the day of our breakup, I called him a few times but no answer. So I haven’t tried to contact him since. I know a week of breakup is not a long time AT ALL but, last night he texted me saying that I left some of my belongings at his place and to come pick them up whenever. I texted back okay. End of that. So my questions to you are :
1) Should I talk to him about what happened in our relationship when I go to pick up my belongings? I feel I owe him some kind of an apology for what I’ve put him through during our relationship. Also, I feel like if I don’t step up to the plate and admit my wrongdoings, I’d regret it forever for not telling him.
2) If we do talk, what do I do then?

Thank you Chris.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 16, 2016 at 10:48 am

HI Help,
Definitely talk. It’s a good thing that you want to apologize. If you do talk remain calm as you can and understanding. It’s your chance to talk things through so, why not do that? Why not try to talk about solutions if he’s open with it.

Morgan

January 5, 2016 at 7:10 pm

Hi Chris! Thank you so much for all of the advice posted thus far, it has been the most helpful out of everything else that I tried. I have tried NC four times throughout the 7 months we were apart. Well, I bought your bible, and I did NC in September. He tried to contact me four times, and I finally started to talk to him. Things were going great, as I was building rapport. Well, it got to where he started calling me, asking me to come over and skyping me. I was ecstatic that he responded, but I told him that I couldn”t come see him (I didn’t want to be his booty call.). But after a couple chats, he went silent. Did I screw up? How can I get his attention and steer clear of the ”friends with benefits” without losing his interest?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 17, 2016 at 9:06 am

Hi Morgan,

Maybe focus with other interests/activities that you two can do together.

Lisa

January 5, 2016 at 1:26 pm

Hi Chris,

Im not very tech savvy. I tried to comment on your other articles but didn’t seem to have success. Anyways, I ex bf (we were together a year always in a LDR) grew fell silent and kinda angry about 2 months ago. For the first month I asked him everyday what was wrong to the point where I became a gnat and we argued. He has always been very open and honest so i grew concerned when he shut down. I asked him if he needed space, if he was having second thoughts about me, if he was having problems at work, if there was someone else or was the distance taking a toll and he wanted to see other people. I asked ever possible scenario yet he would just respond “i don’t want to talk.” He stopped calling/ texting but would always reply to my text or answer or call me back. Finally, after a month or arguing he asked for space and I said ok. In his defense i never gave him the space. I kept asking him whats wrong but he grew more frustrated. During the last month I tried the NC rule but I only last 10 days and called. He answered and was nice. After small talk and seeing he was in a good mood I asked him what was bothering him a he immediately grew angry and barked “leave it alone”. That started another cycle of daily arguing. After a few more weeks he stated “I can’t do this anymore, move on.” I told him I could respect he wishes but was just curious as to what happened. I again explained, if it was the distance, or if he met someone else or even fell out of love with me he didn’t have to spare my feelings and I would understand but I would just like to know what happened. He yelled “I don’t owe you any explanation. I don’t have to tell you anything and you can’t make me talk if I don’t want to” Annoyed I told him he was acting like an 8 year old and not a 36 year old man. He told me to leave him alone and not to call or text anymore “today”. Glutton for punishment I again became a gnat. He told me he didn’t want to fix anything or be friends and I explained that I understood and wasn’t trying to push for either. I told him i just wanted to know why he became silent and angry suddenly. I wasn’t looking for a long drawn out convo about it I just wanted to know why so i could have closure and I’d stay out his life is that’s what he wanted. Again he told me he wasn’t answering. Im very frustrated. I’ll be honest. I really am in love with him and want to work it out but could respect his feelings of not wanting to work it out. I just want to know what is the source of his rage and why he can’t just be honest with me whatever the reason is. Oh and after two months of him being mean and the arguing and telling me to move on he told me that if I ever decided to move over there call him if I ever need anything. Im just confused and lost.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 18, 2016 at 10:21 pm

Hi lisa,
he’s just not ready to talk about it yet. sometimes we need to give that kind of respect to others even if it seems unfair to us because sometimes they don’t even understand what they’re going through. at least he’s open to communicate again someday. when you start to text again, don’t ask him about that. build rapport again first, if he’s comfortable he’ll tell the reason even if you’re not asking

Stella

January 4, 2016 at 6:38 pm

Hi Chris,
I think I made great progress since the breakup, but I’m not sure what to do now. He broke up with me, it was all very confusing but in retrospect we figured out what the problems were and how to work with them, it was a million of tiny things and some greener grass on the other side of the fence as well. I never did a proper period of no contact as we’d see each other roughly every two weeks because of friend’s parties etc, but I kept back. He always came to me to talk and I have to say it was enjoyable for both (talking was our strong suit, always). I also came to the decision to solve my financial problems by leaving the country for a year. There was never any bad blood between us, not really, everything was very respectful and confusingly almost romantic. Before Christmas I had a panic attack due to my PTSD and contacted him because I was terrified of going home and hoped talking to him would help me (I was walking outside for good 4 hours in freezing rain at that point). He actually rode to town and took me for some coffee and helped me calm down. He was in tears over how I trusted to open up to him – I became very private with my emotions, one of the problems in the relationship. Since then we’re talking a little more often, always those 5 hour conversations we had when we just got together and it’s really great, we both missed it so much 🙂 He kept saying how he loves me, but that I have to leave and he can’t… Last time he invited me to see the new star wars next week and said he’d like if we could get together and make use of the time I’m still here. Buuut…. I don’t want to have mere two months together – there’s something like a long distance relationship. Long-term commitment from his side was already an issue before the break-up. What is a better way to get it working, going for it now and make it so he won’t want to lose me again, waiting some more in this “dead zone” until he ups his offer (I always wanted to have a “complicated” relationship on facebook because it’s just so absurd LOL), or put this concern out there upfront…
WTH

January 3, 2016 at 8:32 pm

Hi!

My bf broke up with me during an argument, I left without saying anything more, waited 4 days to get some important belongings back (he left while I picked them up) he said he was still very angry (NO clue why so angry, but whatever) and had nothing more to say to me, I responded with “I don’t either, I just want my belongings.” I have been nc for 11 days with my own doing (just found this site). I really don’t have anything else to say and won’t beg for him back, although I do love him and THINK I would like to work on us down the road. Also, a few days after i picked up my stuff he liked a fb picture of mine with nothing since. He also still has something very important of mine at his place that he’d have to bring to me since it’s so big, but it’s not an emergency that I get it back right away, so I’m waiting for him to contact me about it.

We were together for over a year and he was fully immersed into mine and my kids lives with plans to move out of state together. No big issues with each other directly, just a lot of stresses that we brought to each other to vent and made us distance ourselves.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 19, 2016 at 6:15 am

Hi WTH,

Is there are no issues, then all you need is a break from each other. A little time apart doesn’t hurt, if it causes you to have a clear mind. You don’t have to break up. Especially if there’s nothing really to break up for

Kerrigan

January 1, 2016 at 6:04 pm

Chris, my boyfriend of over a year broke up with me a couple of days ago. We have lived together pretty much our entire relationship so his reason for the break up was that he needed space to be independent because he was too dependent on me. He seemed genuinely sorry for how he had treated me in the weeks before the breakup and he reiterated how he wished things could’ve been different and he could’ve been better. I tried to get him to continue the relationship with me moving out and us living in different places and he agreed that that would be a great idea. Then one day later he decided he couldn’t even do that. I have not talked to him at all since I packed my final things and he hugged my goodbye. I think there is a strong chance of us getting back together after we both have alone time and gain some perspective. Would you agree or do you think I am in denial and it is truly over? Thanks.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 19, 2016 at 11:06 am

HI Kerrigan,

I think you have a chance but we wouldn’t know if you wouldn’t try right?

X

December 31, 2015 at 11:58 pm

Hi! This may be long but I’d appreciate your advice!! So, my boyfriend and I dated for almost 2 years and then we mutually agreed to breakup. From the beginning, my ex boyfriend loved me very much, yet I didn’t because I never really talked to him Anyways, I did fall deeply in love with him and we had a really great honeymoon phase but after he visited family and school started back up again, that faded. I had a short temper so often times I’d take things out on him but of course regret it and apologize and as time went on I learned not to pin my anger on him. However, there was always the problem of me juggling everything I didn’t have great time management skills nor did I make the effort to go see him even though he made himself available for me at anytime. This kept going for a while and even though i said i would change, I didn’t. So later he told me he just felt dumb and stupid for waiting for me because he obviously wasn’t worth it. We definitely had a lot of good memories and we became best friends; but we had many bad ones too. This hurt him a lot so of course he broke up with me because he felt like I wasn’t going to change. When I lost him I realized what I had lost and that I loved him and would change, soon after, we got back together. For the next month I made him breakfast and lunch and saw him all the time and definitely put that effort in, yet now he wasn’t making himself available and told me that right now he’d choose to see his friends rather than me (I’m assuming its because he associates me with bad memories) but that we should just see where things go. Then, the next week we both had some time off from school and things genuinely got much better and we were happy. We were going to have sex again (first time in a while) but I said not until we’re really steady and he agreed and he said he loved me so much and would wait. But the next week, I was stressed about life and reassured me I’d be okay and then later said don’t let this affect us like how it did before. From there, things spiraled down quickly and by the end of the week he broke up with me. Of course I did the begging but I stopped and cut him off for a bit, which helped me feel much better. However, right before going to see his family for the holidays he almost kissed me but I pulled away and then said you can’t do that and he said maybe I wanted to. I had told him about things that were stressing me out recently and he sincerely said that I could reach out to him anytime to talk or whatever because he’s always here for me. This pulled me back. So 3 weeks after the breakup, we began to talk again like how we were in the relationship. He was complimenting me and he even said he had really good dreams about me (having a good day hanging out and then uhhh getting busy 😉 ) and he was contemplating getting back together. He was finally showing me that he was deeply affected by the breakup and said he had such low self worth and self esteem. However, he said he knows its wrong because he’s not the one for me or else I would’ve changed during the relationship and we wouldn’t be in this situation. I told him i didn’t realize all of this until we actually called it quits to which he said if he were the one then I would have. Shortly after, things got back to normal and he talked to me as usual. But all of a sudden we talked about how hard the breakup was and he said its best we just not talk to eachother because our convos always end up with us talking about the breakup which depresses him. Now I’m having a hard time dealing with this again and he seems fine. I know a big problem is how much I hurt him in the past and I’ve apologized but he can’t seem to let go even when I tell him that’s a big problem. So now we are not talking. How can I make him let go of our past and convince him to try again? Or what seems to be his thinking right now?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 18, 2016 at 9:51 am

Hi X,

Well, we can’t know what he’s thinking and it’s also up to him if he wants to let go of the past but on your part, focus on starting positively and making new memories

Erika

December 30, 2015 at 11:52 pm

Hi Chris! I want to stay in NC but I have a trip with my friends starting on the 16th and he’s part of the group. I and my ex broke up 2 weeks ago. I broke my NC after a week but now I’m in NC again for more or less a week now. How do I do with the trip? Just ignore him? Well, I’m not even sure if he’s coming with us but just in case he decides to go, what should I do?

So a little background, he and I was supposedly going to a temporary breakup. I was going through a lot of stress that time and I wasn’t able to control my outburst. I think he took that as me permanently breaking it off. When I tried to apologize, he didn’t even want to talk to me. I made the breakup mistakes. Haha! Text gnat, call gnat, pleading, even meeting him unannounced. I tried to go NC but broke it after a week and sent him a letter and few more texts and calls. In that one week, he met with his ex and went on a date. This ex was an “in between girl.” I’m not really sure how to interpret or describe this but basically, this girl is someone whom he dumped before so he could go back to his ex before me. Now , my ex is with her until she goes back to Australia after a week. He went on and posted a photo with her just days afyer we broke up. I’m not sure if he’s already in a relationship with her again. He has this “I don’t like talking to an ex.” attitude but went on a date with her and now spending a week with her. Do you think that this is still a case of rebound relationship? Or it’s possible that they really rekindled the old flame and just forgot about me within 2 weeks? We dated for 10 months and I don’t really think that our relationship was bad. His family likes me so much as well and they were geniunely shocked that we broke up. I’m still in contact with his mom and insists that we go out in few days. A part of me hopes we’d fix things between us but I’m also learning to live my life without him. Haha! So I really want to go on doing NC for a while.
Anatasia

December 30, 2015 at 6:37 am

Hi Chris!

I came across your website in hopes of finding some sort of insight of when a guy says he is having doubts about the relationship. Everything was smooth sailing for us until he had had these “gut feelings” that turned into doubts in his head. He was battling with himself for 2 weeks and decided to end things with me saying that he does not think he can have a future with me because of these doubts he is having and therefore cannot commit to me, and this isn’t the “right time”. He never had any serious relationships in the past ( relationship lasted 2 months at most) , and I was his longest relationship for almost a year. He is thinking in a negative way and does not want to discuss these doubts or is willing to work things out. Yet he still cares for me, he is still attracted to me. I am confused by him. We never fought during our relationship and had really good communication between us. Its been almost a month now of not seeing each other however we communicate through texts and phone calls- he does not want to talk about the break up because its too ‘ painful ‘ for him and insists that I move forward. We talk like we are friends and nothing has happened between us. Do you think there might be a chance for us? Please help! Thanks

Chris Seiter

January 16, 2016 at 11:10 pm

Those darn “gut feelings” they always screw us over, don’t they?

Well, I think you should just stick to the basics here with regards to the “get your ex back method” that I teach.

Lauren

December 28, 2015 at 3:24 am

Hey Chris,
I need advice. My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago, but I didn’t know about all of these strategies until now. When we broke up, he said he still wanted to be best friends and still do things all the time, just without being “together.” He will be leaving on a two year mission in the summer, and said that if we were in another stage of our lives we’d still date but he just doesn’t want a serious relationship right now. He said we are only on a “break” and we will date seriously when he gets back. I accepted that as a way to keep him in my life, and for the first week he really meant it. But as time has passed he has faded away. I barely hear from him, and he only invites me out to go to church with him. How can I get him back? Is it too late for no contact? We never really had a serious relationship, we were together for seven months but only saw each other once or twice a week. If anything, we were more serious in the first few months of our relationship. Now, we are very friendly when we do spend any time together, but there is no romance and it’s never for very long. I see a very happy possible future with him, but he’s drifting away from me. If we aren’t close when he leaves on his mission, the likelihood of actually reuniting when he gets back seems very small. He also doesn’t seem to miss the relationship at all, while I crave for it back.
Please help!!

Lauren

January 17, 2016 at 5:31 pm

I’d really appreciate any feedback I can get, I’m so stuck!

No Hope?

December 26, 2015 at 2:37 am

Chris I am on day 17 of my 21 NC rule. NOTHING. I understand it was only almost 2 months he knew me but we were so into each other…I am wrakking my brain trying to figure out what i did wrong…he admitted hes a moody person..but how can you change so f***ing quickly? Also the other day after like 10 days NC I got extremely frustrated and anonymously signed his email upto a few spam things…thinking he won’t know its me(immature, I know) does this count as breaking NC? Its not like I directly talked to him, I just felt I had got the shit end of the stick and needed small payback.

Have I ruined my chances?

Part of me also hoped if he was smart enough to figure out I signed him up he would confront me with a text….but dead silence instead…which is probably worse.

He has had days off work for christmas to think…clearly he feels he made the right decision or I would have heard back by now.

I just wish I was spending my holidays with him, instead of focusing on how to get him back…
Shannon

December 24, 2015 at 7:55 am

My ex boyfriend and I were together for almost 3 years. This is our third time breaking up. The first time he said he “thought of me as a friend”, the second time he “didn’t see a future with me” and now it’s that he “doesn’t want to miss any opportunities and the relationship is just comfortable and doesn’t feel like it used too”. He also mentioned that he still wasn’t ready to move in with me or marry me and he thought he should by now. We are 21 years old and definitely am not early to move in or marry either. Every time he broke up with me before it was rash, and all of a sudden. Then two months go by with no contact and then he’d text me. But here we are again. We never fight, only silly things and get over it a few minutes later. We have common interests, always on the same wavelength. It was honestly a great relationship. Is this the end of the line for us? Or is he afraid of commitment (that I’m definitely not ready for either) or thinking the grass might be greener? He always runs away when things get hard instead of working on it. We graduate in a year and if he wants to go to grad school in another state I wouldn’t stop him and I wouldn’t stop myself either. I want us to succeed in life. But he would rather end the relationship now than have to worry about it later? I’m exhausted and know I should be fed up but I really think we are a good match. But he hasn’t had many long term relationships. Before me he would date for a couple months and break up with them. He can barely even remember some of their names. What do you think about this guy? I love him and care for him so much but he still has a lot to learn.
Tormented in Toronto

December 23, 2015 at 5:40 am

I ve just came across this site and been reading probably too much to get any sleep tonight but here`s my situation…

Generally I always ignore after every break up always but this one has me messed up…

I was dating my ex for one year, long distance between Montreal and Toronto, all year he asked me to move in with him and I always said no lets wait to see what happens with him applying to university close to Toronto in London ( I ve been engaged before and lived with someone and I know moving fast can go really wrong..)

So he got into university in London ( an hour and a bit from Toronto) and he wanted me to move in with him still, everything was great for about 1 week, then while at my house the next week broke down when I asked him about looking at apartments and said he isnt sure its the right time because he will be busy with school and felt it would be a distracted. We discussed it at length and agreed I will stay in Toronto and we will continue the long distance for the 1 year that he is in university. He asked me to come visit the next week in Montreal and everything…then three days later called me and said he needed space and time and is feeling very confused.

I didnt reply to his messages he was sending every single day to me, he told me when he said he needed space to not come to Montreal, so I did not. Then the day I was supposed to come asked me if I was on the train and said that I “shouldnt have listened to him when he said not to come” I removed him from all social media and he just keeps messaging me… The messages arent negative, he says things like ” I wish things between us hadnt changed” but he is the one who changed them! There are no actions to put meaning to these messages.. what do I do?
Mon Chi-Chi

December 22, 2015 at 6:37 am

Something’s been picking at me for a few months now. My ex broke up with me in April, and by his request, told me not to call Jim for the months (actually, what he said was I “could” call Jim in three months and see what happens). During the first month is when I found your site and have shared my progress a few times. Last time I was on here, I mentioned being at a standstill with him; we have awesome conversations when it happens, but that’s it. Here’s what’s bothering me:

I’m not sure how he truly feels about me, but clearly has no problem talking with me (we haven’t gotten past phone talk and texting). Yesterday, he calls me saying something to the effect of “I know this is out of the blue, but something just happened and I had to tell someone.” Then he proceeded to tell me about a funny incident that just happened to him. While the conversation was good, in my mind I was thinking, “Why *did* he call me and not someone else…?” Like, he hasn’t really called me much, so I’m not sure how to read his actions or words. In the same conversation, I asked if I’d been calling at the wrong times (he has a funky work schedule and trends to rewind when he can). He seemed annoyed by that and said, “Call whenever. I don’t care!” Again, what is that supposed to mean? Should I call more? Are his actions saying he misses me? When it comes to communication, he’s not the most direct guy I’ve ever met lol, so I’m wondering if my being cautious out of fear is about to backfire, and if I should just be more aggressive.

Mon Chi-Chi

December 22, 2015 at 6:38 am

That should say him, not Jim lol.

Courtney

December 20, 2015 at 1:50 pm

Chris, I have purchased your book but still request personal advice due to my unique situation. I have been yearning for this advice for such a long time, so I am hopeful to hear a reply 🙂

I broke up with my ex years ago. During the break up he was obsessed with me and we’d still hangout. He found out I was hanging out with other guys (which I lied about :/) and didn’t talk to me for some time. Now I want him back, but he says he wants to go “experience life,” “doesn’t want a girlfriend to tie him down,” is “trying to get over everything that happened” still, and “still likes me but can’t be with me right now, but one day in the future.”

I don’t know what to do to get him back into me again. His ego is so high he doesn’t care about anything anymore. If I tried to get him jealous, it would make things worse due to our circumstances where he can’t let things go. If I did NC, he would get incredibly mad and move on because he says he’s sick of my games and it’d be hypocritical because we just finished a conversation about how he always one words me (even when contacting me first).

I just feel like I’m failing but I know you will know what to do, or at least point me in a good direction. Thank you so much Chris.

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