Learn When The No Contact Rule Won't Work On Your Ex

748 thoughts on “When NOT To Use The No Contact Rule On Your Ex Boyfriend”

F

October 10, 2020 at 11:52 pm

My boyfriend of 2 years initiated the break up however we kept in contact as it was more of a break from the relationship as he said he had a lot going on hun life and the relationship wasn’t a priority to him right now. I felt he was just keeping me on the side lines so I decided to end it for good a week ago, there’s been no contact since. I don’t know if the no contact rule will work as I was the one who kind off the ended it for good? Shall I continue NC or reach out to him? He’s very stubborn and I’m scared he will never contact me

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 22, 2020 at 7:39 pm

Hey F I would suggest that you continue your NC for 45 days and then start the texting phase, remember there are many articles that can help you with reaching out to your ex after your NC

Emily

September 30, 2020 at 7:15 pm

Hey,
My boyfriend broke up with me 5 weeks ago, but since then we’ve been in regular contact (messaging every day, but not flirting or anything just friendly).He says he wants to be friends and doesn’t rule out that we could get back together but says he doesn’t want to be with me now and we should both move on. I wondered is it too late to start no contact now, because we’ve been talking since we broke up? Should I continue talking to him as a friend and try to get him back from there? Or stop being friends with him and start no contact? I don’t know which is best!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 4, 2020 at 9:09 pm

Hi Emily if you want to follow this ex recovery program then you need to go into a No Contact, you do not want to be in the friendzone if you want him back in a relationship

Jen

September 29, 2020 at 4:25 pm

I used the no contact rule and my ex boyfriend he contacted me to see how I was doing during the coronavirus. Things got heated again so I went no contact again for a couple months and just recently got in touch with him again. He reciprocates conversation but it feels forced to me even though he said let’s stay in touch. I told him it feels forced so I plan on going no contact…is that a good or bad idea? I honestly have no interest in trying to get back together if it’s going to be one sided. My thoughts are if I go no contact again it’ll spark his interest and he’ll be like why did she just disappear. Thoughts?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

October 1, 2020 at 9:37 pm

Hi Jen, as you have gone in and out of NC a few times you may find that he is less inclined to reach out to you before 30 days so I would consider doing the 45 day and sticking to it while working the information about the holy trinity and being ungettable. Using social media to show how great you are doing in life and how happy you are

Kate

August 25, 2020 at 11:51 pm

Hey there,
I have been with my ex for 8 months. We had a great relationship but he broke up with me because of another girl. There are 2 months after our break up but we are in touch. He is still thinking about me and things between him and that girl are not going well. They are meeting each other but he told me it should be better… He is not sure about his feelings, what he exactly wants but he wants to be next to me and texts me. I just wanted to ask you if it is too late to do no contact rule. (Sorry for my english skills)

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

September 6, 2020 at 9:55 am

Hey Kate it isn’t too late to start, but you are going to have to make sure that you stick with it for 30 days and work on yourself in that time

Katie

August 11, 2020 at 5:15 pm

Hey there

I have been dating a guy for a few months and it had been going really well. Recently we have been spending one evening together and every weekend and I even went to lockdown at his flat for a month during the covid crisis. Every evening for the last nearly 4 months (when we haven’t been physically together) we have spoken on the phone for at least an hour and up to four.
However last week he almost completely ignored me as he was busy moving house and I got mad and sent him some messages in anger that I shouldn’t have. He has now said he doesn’t want to see me anymore as the angry messages have reminded him of a previous relationship where he was treated really badly. This girl he was in a relationship with messed him up and he is still having counselling because of it and he says it’s not working so he is looking for a new counsellor. I have said many times that I am not this girl and he shouldn’t be scared to be with me because of what she did. He is clearly still struggling with the situation as just a few messages from me has brought on very strong negative emotions.
I think we are compatible and I have told him I feel strongly for him but this situation is getting in the way and it could take him a very long time to get over it. Should I wait for him? Would a period of NC work? Thanks!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

August 11, 2020 at 9:03 pm

Hey Kaite, yes I do suggest that you go into a No Contact, working on yourself in the mean time, look up how to control your emotions too. If you know he was moving house and not replying to you out of spite. He was just busy. Also the mention of this other girl. You need to understand that you need to show patient to be with a guy who has been through something like this. Working on yourself and then start reaching out to him at the end of 30 days as a calm collected person is going to help you going forward

R

August 1, 2020 at 6:26 pm

My boyfriend split up with me after 7 months of dating as he felt I wasn’t making the effort. After taking a day to think about it I agreed with everything he said and told him how much I liked him and wanted to make things work out and try again however he is adamant he has no feelings anymore and it won’t work. 2 days after ending it he was back on tinder, we have messaged 5 days out of the last week since we split up mainly me telling him how much I want to make it work and realise where the problems were and him saying it won’t work out and I replied to him 3 days ago and he hasn’t replied, Will the no contact work if he says he has lost feelings and he hasn’t replied to my last message? He was completely normal right up until he ended it he wasn’t distant in any way for it to be expected however he says he has been feeling this way for around a month

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

August 15, 2020 at 2:24 pm

Hey R, it is hard to accept that someone has been feeling a certain way even though they hide things. He would probably be thinking about how to tell you and preparing himself for sticking to his decision (this doesn’t mean its over for good) He just feels the way he does right now. Which is why we go into a NC and spend some time working on ourselves to show them that they made a mistake to leave. Read about the holy trinity and being ungettable and then start reaching out to showing interest

Jp

July 29, 2020 at 6:39 pm

Super confusing relationship here… My boyfriend of 4.5 years ( lived together the whole time) just moved out. He has depression issues and has been self medicating heavily for the last few months. We have had a fantastic relationship for years, have animals together, and his best friends are my family. The last 4 months or so he has been different, distant, pulling away from all of our friends, family, and myself. He has been telling me he is dissatisfied with himself and his life because he isnt ” going anywhere” and his money struggles stress him out. He has been saying he isnt happy and that he has been trying ( yet no communication to me about it until the break). I have been pleading and begging him to hang on and let me help him… He admitted to seeing/ kissing his ex gf.. Who has been a nightmare psycho the entire time we have been together.. He knew that would be the one thing he could do to make me let him go… He moved out last week.. He cried to me during this entire convo, sayinf that he is broken and depressed and he needs to go find himself. I am obviously crushed.. He texted me 2 days ago saying that he is really sorry. I did not respond. He has since deleated the pics of us from his main Instagram page, yet were still in a relationship on facebook … He even took pictures of us when he moved out.. I’m sooo confused, hurt, angry, sad, unsure of what to think and what will happen.. He is not the person that I fell in love with. He abandoned me, our house, animals and entire friendgroup… Help!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

August 2, 2020 at 9:53 am

Hey JP, it sounds as if your ex just needs some time to work on himself and sometimes people who have depression can not do that with the pressures of a relationship. Follow the program and work on yourself while he does the same

A

July 23, 2020 at 10:08 pm

Hello,
I recently broke up with my ex. He and I struggled for the last 5 months in our one year and half relationship. He started to tell me that we are not compatible and that his needs were not being met. We continued to try and did my best to meet his needs however he was not changing his feelings. We even started therapy together but he just said it was giving him clarity that we were not meant to be. I had to give up.. then when we agreed to stop and break up he finally admitted that he is still very hurt from his last relationship where the girl cheated. She left him for someone better and smarter than him so he projected this to me in order to win her. However he learned this was destroying himself and he wants time to focus just on himself and improve his mental health. I tried to tell him that I would be willing to help him and he now acknowledges this but he said he is too guilty for treating me badly and just guilty for his current situation. We stopped talking since the break up but I still have strong feelings for me and want him back. I reflected these past few days and I also learned that there were definite faults on my end too and I want to express this to him. Should I still continue the NC or at least send him an email about what my mind went through since the break up. Thank you.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

July 24, 2020 at 11:14 pm

Hey A, yes you should still follow a No Contact and during this time work on yourself so that you can be the best version of yourself.

Ally

June 26, 2020 at 6:09 am

Hey,

We are on a relationship break as my other half is confused about what he wants. He was behaving differently and admitted to kissing/ going on a date with a colleague. Does the no contact rule work for breaks In relationships and not full breakups. He says he’s confused and doesn’t know what he wants

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

June 27, 2020 at 8:36 pm

Hey Ally, yes the no contact rule works as it shows him that you are not going to chase bed and plead for him to come back to you. Allow him some space and let him consider his feelings. If he decides to end the relationship then continue with a 45 day SOLID no contact where you use social media to show how great you are doing without him

Chiyo

June 26, 2020 at 1:17 am

Hi. My bf of 2 yrs and a half broke up with me a week ago. We were LDR since we live in different countries, however we spent several months together within that period as he came to be with me and vice versa. Our relationship was really good and didn’t have any fights at all. Just the usual petty ones which can be resolved soon. But then a week before our breakup, he was acting distant and finally pulled out the plug to me. His main reason of breaking up was he’s not ready for marriage yet while I’m already on that certain age.(even though I already told him I’m willing to wait for him).. actually I’m 6 years older than him. But I still accepted his decision and he said he wanted to stay friends. So, 2 days later, he tried to call me and sent messages..but I ignored. Since I decides to do NC with him although he thought I was OK with the breakup. Now, I wonder if I did the right choice?? Should I respond to him instead since I still want us to get back together. I’m afraid I’m pushing him away by acting like this. I need your advice.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

July 15, 2020 at 8:45 pm

Hey Chiyo, you did the right thing going into a No Contact and make sure that you use this time to work on yourself and then reach out at the end of your 30 days NC with a text that Chris suggests in his articles

Confused

June 14, 2020 at 12:48 pm

There is an answer I couldn’t find in any blog, YouTube or program: what if I broke up because he didn’t wanted to take the relationship to the next level (meaning it was a good relationship for 18 months but he never talked about a future with me or introduced me to his parents). He said I didn’t understand what he was going through but finally told me he couldn’t give me what I wanted (compromise and marriage). I feel I should apply the NC but I’m confused because I feel like the dumpee.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

June 14, 2020 at 9:42 pm

Hey there, you are right you still need to do the NC as you ended the relationship because it wasn’t advancing. I would suggest that you follow a 30 day NC and work on your Ungettable so that your ex can see you are not going to wait around if he is not going to introduce you to his parents etc.

Veronica

June 13, 2020 at 11:38 pm

Hi!
Can you please help me in my case..it is complicated, of course.I met a guy that doesn’t do relationships at all, he said it is for life..he dated before, but he thinks he is better off alone and now he enjoys his freedom being with any girl he wants. I guess he is scared of strong emotions and when he read me and found out I developed feelings, he didn’t want to hurt me and said it is not good for me and it is best if I stay away from him. We have a strong physical attraction to each other, we have a lot in common.. I think of him 24/7, but he says he doesn’t have feelings for me, but my intuition tells me it is not completely true, because he cares about me, like asking how was work, he knows it is stressful..and he cared enough not to sleep with me, because after it might be painful emotionally and before that he told me many times it is over and then sent me meaningless messages, just so to start a conversation. It is like back and forth..in one day he might ask me to come to him and then cancel, because of the consequences for me..very undecided. I don’t know..maybe he behaves like this with other people too, maybe he is a caring and considerate person with everybody..But for me it is a bit weird, because in the beginning he didn’t care about me much, was even a bit aggressive.. all he wanted was sex..and when I fell for him and was his to take, he refused..So now I want to try no contact, because I drastically lowered my standards, became clingy and asked many stupid questions..but I have doubts if it will work on him since he told me there were girls before me and he ended things because of them becoming attached..the only chance I have is if I really managed to hit his emotion buttons or impressed him in some way and I think I did..I mean I was memorable.
Thank you.
Emilia

June 13, 2020 at 1:06 am

My fiancé of 1 year dumped me. We were long distance due to work, he moved, I couldn’t since I’m a teacher. It was supposed to be temporary. I am hurt. Should I mail him the engagement ring? If so, should I send it w a note? Is this considered breaking the no contact rule? Or should I leave it alone and keep the ring??

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

June 13, 2020 at 9:58 pm

Hi Emilia, I would suggest that for not you keep the ring and leave things while you are in No Contact

dee

June 8, 2020 at 11:30 pm

my ex and i lived together but he moved out leaving his old car at my house and he owes me money….. its been 6 months now that he has moved out… i keep telling him to move his car out and i need my money. dont know how else to approach him…. 10 days now of NC…. want to ask him again but i feel like im not being heard…
Nicola

June 5, 2020 at 9:54 am

My boyfriend of 7 months has lost his job due to the Covid 19 and has been offered another job 4000 miles away. Our feelings were very strong for one another and we planned to move in together this year and talked about marriage. He feels he has choice but to go and wants to break up as he doesn’t believe in long distance relationships and can’t see how it can work. He feels added pressure by it. He is extremely stressed as he would rather not go.

We broke up yesterday. I am very confused as to his reasoning to break up and not to wait and see: But agreed to keep contact and text etc. Does the no contact rule apply?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

June 7, 2020 at 12:08 pm

Hey Nicola, yes the No Contact rule applies here too. He needs to feel that life without you in it is like.

Brook

May 24, 2020 at 11:48 pm

I’ve been with my guy for four years. Our relationship has changed over those four years from being exclusive to him waking up one day and telling me that he always wants me around but he wants to build a “stable” of women to have sex with whenever he feels like a threesome. I let him know that there is no way that I will lay next to him every night knowing he is out there having sex with multiple women. He told me he wasn’t. I overheard him talking to a female friend of his setting up a three some with some other woman and saying that I was too emotional. That led to a huge incident later in the week where he told me that if I felt disrespected that I needed to leave when what he did was clearly disrespectful. I left. Eventually (about a month later), we reconciled. Then 45 days later when I was at his house, he left at 11PM to take Some specific photos and me asked if I wanted to go along. It would’ve be quick. I stated that I didn’t because I was tired from the night before when he kept me up sending videos and pictures to another female. So he left and I fell asleep. When I woke up, it was three hours later and he still hadn’t returned home. I promptly packed my things and went home. I haven’t spoken to him for thirty days as of today. Not sure what I should do next because it isn’t the first time he’s done something like that and I need his behavior to change. He claims to love me so much but has not reached out to me during this period of me going no contact. What should I do now?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

June 9, 2020 at 9:57 am

Hi Brook, I think you should consider moving on as he is not going to give you the relationship you want. Hes openly told you he feels he has the right to sleep around and you have expressed you are not happy with that. As people in a relationship you are not compatible. He wants an open relationship it seems. I suggest that you work on your Holy Trinity, and the Ungettable girl information. When you start to feel up to it I would also suggest that you start dating casually so you can see how other men treat women. This is disrespectful to you as you said, and it seems he doesn’t see a problem in his behavior

Jo

May 16, 2020 at 4:11 am

I had been with my ex for six months. A few weeks ago, I noticed that he was being less attentive, affectionate and quite frankly, weird. I wanted to be sure that I was not making it up in my head and over-analyzing before I brought it to his attention and asked him what was on his mind/what was going on after I had noticed it for the three weeks. (I had an idea that there could also be something else on his mind, that he had disclosed to me at a a much earlier time and thought it could have been a recurrence.) He admitted that he need space, and I asked him a few questions about it, but he is an adult and made up his mind, so naturally, it followed that we could not be together. I have texted him once in the past few days, only to get my spare keys back, and to say to him: ” I totally get that you want your space and I can respect that. I have to ask so that I know for me and for the future, what was it? What could have been different? You can text or not, but regardless, I won’t text you back to respect your wishes.” He has not responded, and I’m staying strong in not texting back. (The ongoing conversations I’m having with myself makes me feel like I have multi-personality Disorder AND schizophrenia.) Trouble is, I’m heartbroken. He is truly an amazing person, and someone that I’ve never had such a natural connection and conversation with, and I say this with ten years of dating experience!! I feel like I’ve lost one in a million. We also LIVE in the same apartment building but do not live together. Doing NC feels tricky and I’m losing my marbles because I’m doing everything I can to listen and try to do what every cell in my body is saying: DON’T TALK TO HIM, but what happens if I run into him? How can he understand that I’m doing NC if we are similarly avoidant or unable to avoid each other? Signed Girl Next Door

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

May 20, 2020 at 10:51 pm

Hi Jo if you bump into each other when you you are allowed to be civil and say hello, you do not stay around and have a friendly conversation for 10 mins. You just say hello and carry on

Alana

May 14, 2020 at 9:11 am

Hi, my ex broke up with me when I was 36 weeks pregnant. Our daughter is now 6 weeks old and because I want him to build a connection with her, we often take her for walks together and talk as friends. Would this be considered a breach of the no contact rule?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

May 20, 2020 at 1:40 pm

Hi Alanda, I would say it is if you are having conversations about your relationship getting back or the break up yes. Or any other emotional conversations. I would suggest that at 6 weeks old he could have time with her by himself. Make sure her baby bag is sorted and there is a feed for her. He could have alone time with her and allow you to have a break from being a new mother.

Rachelle

May 6, 2020 at 6:09 am

I was with my ex for several years.. We broke up last October. He’s not a very verbal person when it comes to expressing himself unless he’s upset about something and even then he’s not the most verbal but what he does manage to say is more than a mouth full. He’s this way with his mom, sisters and others as well as me. We definitely had our ups and downs during the course of the relationship but he is the one who decided to separate in the end.. Since separating in October we talk pretty much everyday and he comes over to see me at least once a week every week (not a just for sex visit) either. This past Saturday we had a bit of a tiff because I was in an emotional place when I called him and he didn’t answer, though he called back about twenty minutes later but by then I was already annoyed. The frustration for me is the fact that he wanted to separate but now talks to me on the almost daily basis, comes to see me and we tell each other we love each other but he hasn’t made mention of working through the separation.. When I finally responded to him the other day I texted him and expressed to him I was annoyed and told him I needed to focus on myself and healing my heart so I can get to a healthy place emotionally.. In my case with us talking everyday and pretty much getting along better than we have in years should I had of started the no contact rule? It’s just very frustrating to me that he wants to be around me and talk to me everyday but not discuss a reconciliation.. I know he has a new found freedom with me not being in the home at this point and him feeling like he doesn’t have to answer to me which he never really did anyway but PLEASE HELP!! I feel like my life is a mess minus the drama that comes with most breakups!! It’s been three days of not talking to him and I miss him like crazy but I feel like I am doing myself a disservice if I continue with things like they are with giving him the benefit of a relationship without him not wanting to commit to one right now or at least with me anyway. I feel extremely shortchanged and exhausted at this point emotionally..

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

May 12, 2020 at 7:51 pm

Hey Rachelle, I wanted to tell you got it right and that you are going to need to complete NC and not give him the benefits of a relationship when he ended things. Good luck and keep us updated 🙂

Megan

May 3, 2020 at 5:51 pm

Hello. I did have a very healthy and loving four year relationship with my ex boyfriend. He broke up with me in order to grow up and develop on his own. And he wanted to start his first career on his own. The first three months I would reach out to him sometimes. But now I am doing no contact and its been three weeks.

He has contacted me a few times. But I have no idea what to do with this situation. Every time I talk to him he has been very distant. Because he doesn’t want to hurt us and he hopes to one day get back together. I just don’t know if the pandemic gift one year is actually going to be enough for him to do what he wanted to do. I’m waiting for him to talk to me, but I told him I couldn’t talk to him while he acts this way.

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748 thoughts on “When NOT To Use The No Contact Rule On Your Ex Boyfriend”